The Pain of Loving a Dismissive Avoidant

[@Musicisthelanguageoflove]

"Very" painful. Very sad they want to get close but just can't

[@IlCanaleDegliEroi]

Crazy how spot on this piece of content is. Today marks 4 months since my avoidant partner broke up with me (obv. out of the blue). What really makes it hard to move on is the potential they show during the honeymoon phase and, at the same time, the fact that they can mask pretty easily what they feel after breakup (they might seem almost unfazed by it). Also a big point is that when they find a secure person they get bored/scared by the perspective of a healthy realtionship and start to pull away: seeing them pursueing unhealthy dynamics just to feel an emotional rush is so hard to understand, but it's something that they do without even knowing why. And then, when their emotions start to rise, you are scared for their mental health because of the connection you once had with this person, so you would love to be helpful, but they think that they can do all by themselves because of their sense of hyper-self-reliance. And, by the way, they would be the first to suggest you to detach and move on but at the same time play the role of the victim once you do it. I guess you understand that it's some crazy shit, and if you can't jump off the rollercoaster be prepared to feel emotional and physical pain due to rush of feelings, stress and misleading behaviours (coming from a secure person who now feel anxious related to his avoidant).

[@TheCloggydoggy]

You are absolutely right! I WAS 'secure' before I was with an avoidant person. Then I became a bit anxious (for a little while). Now, after 2 break-ups in 6 yrs, that was their choice (and could not even justify it to themselves, let alone me), I think I may be verging on 'avoidant' myself; in that, I feel pretty emotionless about the relationship. After the 2nd break-up it has now been 3 months back together. I am constantly questioning myself now if I want to be in this relationship. My partner IS being kind & caring towards me *at the moment*. I don't feel that I can be the same this time. Whenever I am kind and caring towards them, they leave.

[@jackiel7726]

Unfortunately that is the dynamic The approach and avoid push and pull. I went through that for many years with my avoidant husband. I myself an anxious avoidant. When I would get close he would pull away When he would get close I will pull away. Both of you have to do the work otherwise it's going to end. So sorry❤️‍🩹

[@TheCloggydoggy]

@@jackiel7726 Sweetheart you are right! I said 6yrs, but it has only been 6yrs recently. It's actually been 40yrs 'on and off''. We were apart for more than 27yrs.(Because I moved to another country) During that time we were 'friends'. THEN, He put his arms around me and kissed me ''in that way'' .... I think I was probably his 'phantom ex' ;-) The last 6 yrs have been either good or awful, there has been NO in-between.....I don't even want to live with him, let alone ask him to move to my country. BUT the last time he broke up with me was 2 days before our 40th aniverssary of 'first date' in the 80s..... BIG date, lotsa lovin, not neccsearily BIG effort, but yeah.... emotions? and THAT might have been the problem? . (first break-up was during Covid.... soo....)

[@garywillett6396]

When I broke up a situationship with and avoidant after three years, he told me “I never loved you, anyway!”

[@antriggs4190]

I was told the same thing. She told me I love you at least three times a day and said she was so in love with me it ached. She was very anxious and fearful of being alone. Then one random day she told me she never wanted to see me again. Eventually she told me she never loved me when I tried to say hi to her several months later. We both were head over heels in love then we were nothing.

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Alexis your videos are really different and great. Please don’t stop making them! You have a very unique perspective that no one else shares. 💛 can you do a video about how to bring up the idea of attachment work and gently bring up the idea of change and growth when they don’t know about attachment and don’t know it’s possible to reprogram attachment. Thank you

[@mcrusith]

I think I entered into it fairly secure but ended super anxious … these people are just like quick sand. The more you try to move the more you get stuck. Best to wake up before your head goes beneath the surface and have health issues. It takes time to unlearn what they conditioned in you so gradually

[@roxannarawson9259]

This video was super good🙏

[@yellowtheresunshine]

Alexis, thank you for this brilliantly gentle and informative video, covering such a bast area so well. One of your best!!😊

[@TheCloggydoggy]

Actually, Alexis, don't 'avoidants' ALSO want to 'stay in their comfort zone'? MORE SO than anxious types and secure types?

[@FrankyboyFloyd]

Very true. The anxious are the ones to usually self reflect and do the work. DA usually dont’ even think they have a problem. They just don’t self reflect

[@jackiel7726]

THANK YOU!!🙏 For this wonderful helpful video. What makes me sad is That after so many years together he is going to go and try with someone new. Instead of going to therapy with me and working it out together.❤️‍🩹❤️