The Key To Dating An Avoidant Woman

[@philipramsden4975]

Can confirm. The dance is addicting. The trick is to stay about one step behind her and stay present in the moment. If you pour everything into her you're going to find yourself in a world of hurt.

[@Persephone44]

Can you give some specific examples?

[@bushikciwa]

@@Persephone44pretty straight forward

[@philipramsden4975]

@@Persephone44 Like what?

[@Ainttrippin]

Gave my -exfiancé everything -- poured everything into her -- and I am the total package, she wanted for nothing. As soon as I put up healthy boundaries to her toxic controlling and neediness she discarded me and disappeared. You do have to move slower than them and let them prove they truly want to be with you. It was my fault giving her that much without her ever proving she was a woman of that quality.

[@jaer.6540]

i mean...this sounds exhausting. Walking on egg shells is not a way to live. These relationship dynamics only work if both parties are aware and work at it to get to a secure point in each of the individuals, and then the relationship

[@victorivri8092]

You've described my 10 year relationship, which felt like a hundred years. Not worth it to invest in this. I tear up now whenever a girl I'm dating is emotionally or physically expressive and giving, like this is something I knew was possible, and I needed it really badly. Let the avoidant do most of the work, and want to actually heal.

[@TheMissVenga]

@victorivri share the work ❤her work is to heal and yours is to understand and see the healing. Expecting her to do all the work is unrealistic and you’ll wait another 100yrs. She needs your trust and support ❤

[@maxsheerin8219]

If you put up with it for 10 years, the irony is you too were an avoidant, amd worse still, most likely trying to change "her" instead of leaving.

[@maxsheerin8219]

​@@TheMissVengashe needs a "psychologist". Avoidants need psychology. If they dont get it, his trust and suppport are pretty useless and abuse waiting to happen. As he experienced.

[@RyanPs3gamer123]

Here's a more simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!

[@NINJED1]

1. Start communicating your needs that you keep secret / afraid to say. 2. Ask yourself what you are not giving in your relationship. Whats missing? 3. Be willing to confront and have conflict / argue to get what you want. 4. Dont let conflict linger.. repair the problem by reconnection. 5. Tell (do not ask) your partner to talk about their feelings / day. 6. Give thanks / appreciation instead of criticism to get attention. 7. Give clear directions of your wants and needs expectations. 8. Dont chase her. Instead invite and create oppurtunities for touch.

[@dseve9]

Love the clarity of this! Are you able to provide examples of how to "invite/create opportunities"?

[@NINJED1]

@@dseve9 it was like pulling a tooth to take a break & get her to lay down for just a few minutes to share a kiss.. 5 minutes passed & she asked how to end the meeting already getting too sleepy wives get bored of their husbands after 45 menopause starts & they get amnesia of how they used to kiss you but dont be triggered just be supportive & keep asking / inviting to come lay down politely. Kindness and patience will win the avoidant over as the more they say no the more they feel obligated to invite you to do something else than have affection (by saying yes to that offer youll get a yes to yours later). Google movies / tv series & find one that you both like, offer a walk, go shopping, hiking, bike ride, art gallery, or gardening together etc during the activities make subtle not forceful contact to rekindle the attraction avoidants are turned on by your interest in them they never chase & dont want to be trapped so its a fine line to success be available & also its okay to do the same things regularly to get them to open up. Most importantly Never complain that they are unavailable / preoccupied instead make yourself appear that way but always be emotionally & physically prioritizing their company if they are interested “just offering” is the attitude act like it doesnt matter even when it hurts like hell that they refuse.

[@rachelworthing6863]

This is great advice. I'm an avoidant woman, realized it and have been trying to heal for about 2.5 years now. I'm now in a committed relationship, 1 year in, and we live together. Healing takes time and a lot of uncomfortable work, but its totally possible and worth it. I'm not 100% and will still find myself falling into avoidant thoughts and tendencies, but I've come soooo far. My man has been the biggest part of my healing. Moving into someone else's space, allowing them to support me, and sharing my feelings has been such a challenge but so transformative. I always have had such a fear of being a burden, physically and/or emotionally. My BF also made it clear to me what he expects, and also that I can mess up and that he's not going to leave me for it. I think a lot of avoidant people fear that if we share our feelings we will be burdensome to our partner and it may be taken wrong and then we will be rejected or not loved because of it.

[@johnny_roots]

One question, do you have any insights on how do we create space for the avoidant partner to share without putting pressure on them? I'd appreciate any help. Thanks a lot!

[@rachelworthing6863]

​@@johnny_rootslet them know how much you love them and that you want them to share more, because you want to grow that love and to love them even better. Make it super clear that their shares and that you supporting them does not make them a burden, but rather a blessing. When they do share make sure to thank them, give them some praise and let them know how important it was for you and how that makes you feel loved and closer to them. Reaction is super important too. I hesitate to share because of fear of being a burden but also because i fear a negative response. Make sure to respond with openness, acceptance, and love. Try your best to be a stable grounded force for them.

[@mahalie23]

@@johnny_rootsavoidant here. for me a tricky balance of self-respect, confidence and extension or care and support. a specific example: i’m fiercely independent and one way my partner (now of 10+ years) earned my trust was creating solutions to our financial entanglements so we could move in together but had very clear boundaries, contracts, shared expenses, etc.this made me feel both independent and able to be in partnership. knowing he had healthy boundaries and wouldn’t just swoop in and save me (i’m an anti damsel-in-distress) made me respect him MORE. he helped my by sharing his knowledge, connections and always being there physically and emotionally without creating any weird savior dynamic. Eventually over the years we have helped each other through small things and then bigger things and I’m now able to accept his help without triggering my entanglement phobia.

[@johnny_roots]

@@rachelworthing6863 amazing, that was super helpful! 🙌🏽 I can work with that. Thanks a million

[@rachelworthing6863]

​@@mariab.gonzalez6130what helped me heal was actually just working on my relationship and communication skills. At the time I was living in Asheville and they had local community events called 'authentic relating' where I was put into different conversations and relational situations. This helped me learn to practice speaking, sharing my feelings and what's was going on inside me, how to hold someone's gaze, and even learning what my boundaries where and how to speak them. This practice with the other participants felt 'easier' because I didn't know them really, it felt more safe to practice being open and vulnerable with people that didn't know me well. I then took these skills and used them in my dating life. A few months later I entered a committed relationship, and then really got to practice what I'd learned. I found that what I needed to heal was putting myself into relational experiences (romantic and otherwise) that forced me to slowly open up and move away from my avoidant behavior. I will note that in my dating life and even with my friends I let them all know I was avoidant and healing and that my healing had to happen within connection. So basically I made sure everyone around me was on board. I didn't want anyone to have any surprises. I made sure they all knew what to expect, so that no one felt as though I was using them to heal.

[@stevenmorris5562]

The algorithm just showed me this after 6 months of watching other great KZbins on attachment. You are the first one to do clearly address the anxious man avoidant woman. Thank you. Thank you!

[@StrnGuy]

I have made major progress repairing my relationship with a fearful avoidant/bpd partner. I can COMPLETELY vouch for the tips in this video. Very solid. Do not chase her. Do not try to fix her. Let her have space. Tell her you’re there for when she wants to come to you. I am anxious, and I was just leaning in, leaning in, leaning in. Why cant I solve this problem???? If that’s what you’re doing-do the opposite. And if that makes her nervous, you can just tell her: Look, I can tell that you need your space sometimes. I’m always here for you. I’m gonna give you that space. Come to me when you want or need to.

[@mahalie23]

yes

[@shadowsbruther]

That is not fair to you.

[@derekazyan9942]

@@shadowsbruthernot at all

[@tb7633]

​@@shadowsbruther it may not be healthy for him. But maybe she just needs it for a bit to grow stronger.

[@StrnGuy]

@@shadowsbruther maybe so maybe not, but knowing youtube i would get the same response even if i posted “my relationship has been a lot better since I agreed to stop farting on my girlfriend”

[@RobbZombie22]

Too late bro we broke up 2 days ago. I tried so hard, but she only pull away further. Im tired even tho i love her. I hope she can heal some day. Because no matter how much i offered to, she is to inastable, it sad tbh. Thank you for the video

[@Jaeby.12]

hugs bro, i hope you get better. you deserve better!!!

[@fredpantis2084]

Hey man, you did everything right. It's not you. I'm in your shoes. They believe that commitment = abandonment and they are constantly thinking that you're too good for them and self sabotaging themselves. They are used to the chaos of emotionally unavailable people like narcissists because those people don't activate their triggers which is literally commitment. It's mind shattering. Best we can do is let go and let God handle it. It's not their fault for growing up in that environment, but it's their responsibility to heal from it.

[@truthbom6172]

The fact that you're still looking at these videos post a video shows how much you care. Great work

[@tlourensentl]

im in the same boat, sadly after the first month of dating she made profiles for dating apps while on a holiday at her best friends country shouldve let her go at that point but i didnt and everything went downhill from that cuz i didnt set up my boundary and shouldve let her go but i was already getting feelings for her and gave her another chance because we were dating i told myself, how stupid i was... now im in NC for 10 days now and its pretty hard because i catched feelings for her in the couple months after trying to fix things and communicate but she was perfecting me and couldnt let me be who i was and the stuff i was working on (so no baggage she had to deal whit) everything else clicked

[@PainxSorrow]

Fk her she for the streets anyway she bouncing on bbc rn better get that money and sl**t these girls out that’s all they deserve

[@majorbalrah]

What I've learned from dealing with this issue with my wife is that it's like communicating with someone that has the emotional intelligence of a child. Tiptoeing and being extremely careful with your tone and the way you phrase your sentences is vital, and it's exhausting. When they fall back into this mode, everything is considered an attack. Then it's shut down, deflect, blame, etc. Your pointers are much appreciated and on point, but I could never show her this video. Me merely mentioning watching this with her with an open mind would send her into a triggered fidgety shutdown state. I've just adapted to taking it like a man and trudging forward for our kids.

[@BodhiPolitic]

She may have BPD or something else involving insecure narcissism.

[@maxsheerin8219]

You too are avoiding leaving someone and allowing them hurt you and make you walk on eggshells. Put up and shut up is so toxic and unhealthy.. Eventually you will need more help than her. Because when you need her most, its a guarantee that she will not be there where you need her. They are avoiders after all. You are fooling yourself dude, her triggered shut down state is a defensive f-you. Passive aggressive demons walking on earth, sent to destroy...if you let them. Yea its trauma, I have trauma. I also chose to seek help from a professional, because I actually gaf about more than myself and my own scared ego.

[@quincycuthbert5408]

show it to her. I figured this was me an I am at work trying to hold back tears. But from this moment forward I will put the effort.

[@michaella5799]

When kids are gone dump her on her ass so you can experience a real relationship where someone works for you too.

[@capturetheloops]

all we can do in this world is trudge on... godspeed

[@StacyA406]

I am an avoidant woman and this was very helpful for me.

[@CitiesOfAsh]

You're the devil 😈

[@lmart16]

Same. Appreciation and gratitude go a long way, as does NOT ignoring an avoidant. Being available and letting me know you're there, and appreciating my efforts to bond go a long way. One thing he said that really resignated with me is when we share something we want to do, take the opportunity as a bonding moment. I remember the canceled plans and disinterest in my interests. That builds up and definitely contributes to the resentfulness avoidants feel in the end. But, ultimately, it's the space left without communicating that ends the relationship. He said 24 to 48 hours max to seek resolution of conflict and that's 100% true.

[@jennyjugs13]

Same! I see so much of myself in this, I just didn't know what to do and how to fix it. I really do care and want to change.

[@sibanoo]

​@@jennyjugs13good to hear that you want to change. I have bin in a relationship with one for 20 years. She could not handle an argument. I was met zero tollerance and no selfreflection. I was allways to blame and no argument was ever resolved. My wounds run to deep now and I don't want to get burned ever again. 😢 it ended 2 weeks ago and everything I learn now about attachment relationship will be for the next one.

[@jennyjugs13]

@@sibanoo I'm sorry to hear that, it's awful. Take care of yourself and you'll be okay. ((Hug))

[@sixfootse7en248]

I dated an avoidant woman earlier this year, and I cracked the code. I walked away.

[@derekazyan9942]

Honestly it’s either this or put up with their shit 🤷‍♂️

[@getin6952]

😅😂😂

[@joygibbons5482]

Bet she was relieved to see the back of you

[@sixfootse7en248]

@@joygibbons5482Spoken like a true avoidant. Get help, or have all quality men continue walk away from you.

[@lizardluminals9324]

@@joygibbons5482 it’s alright, she’ll just grow old, alone and miserable.

[@johnevemerton]

Cool video. My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[@hildamusovic]

its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back

[@johnevemerton]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?

[@hildamusovic]

Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@johnevemerton]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@TimMillernapavalleyfilmworks]

I hear you brother! I loved my avoidant so much! It gets easier w time🙏

[@Kv-pk2st]

Yeah this is all a wonderful idea. The part that's not being mentioned is often the avoidant doesn't have enough self-awareness to be able to even address this

[@snaakie]

Yep, my avoidant ex had no idea about her own struggles. She couldn't reach into herself to find things to improve, it was all too scary.

[@Kv-pk2st]

@@snaakie yep it's sad and it's true most of them are too chickenshit to face themselves

[@RyanPs3gamer123]

Here's a more simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!

[@Kv-pk2st]

@@RyanPs3gamer123 REALLY Sherlock? Most of the time you dont even realize whats happening untill your waist deep.

[@Ramdapanda]

@@RyanPs3gamer123 It's very different to date someone who is aware that they're avoidant to someone who has no idea and is not ready or willing to work on it. As men that is up to us to take responsibility for ourselves and decide if it's worth it or not.

[@christopherkusek1362]

If you don't need to be in the relationship (kids, dogs, cats...) find a different partner if you are interested in a loving relationship. You are worth more, and have more important things to do, than dealing with her crap. Not toxic, just honesty.

[@bradleex22]

I mean you can tell yourself what you're saying is not toxic all you want

[@lesliebean4594]

@@bradleex22someone hurt him, clearly. It likely wasn’t “her”.

[@bradleex22]

@@lesliebean4594 Anxious attachment comes from a deep wound and can cause just as many issues as avoidant. The dynamics at play here equally go both ways and feed off of each other. As someone who's anxious in the process of healing his attachment style and recognizing my role in the problem, I'm so sick of the dehumanizing language about avoidants. These are from people who can't take accountability for their own wounds. They smother others and project the blame on to them. Someone with a secure attachment style wouldn't make those kinds of comments.

[@anthonyc5039]

@@bradleex22people have loved and cherished avoidants only to have their years of relationship investment turned off like a light switch. It’s hard not to dehumanize people who throw love in the trash because of a whim or a change of heart that just may arise from an off day. I genuinely though feel deep sadness for avoidants and truly love to meet the ones who are taking accountability and willing to learn and change.

[@wadihmassaad1712]

Totally relate… I am a man that was in a relationship with an avoidant woman, and I did all the things spoken about the other way I around, I couldn’t “save”. Her nor the relationship… I wish I knew all these when we were still in the relationship. Thank you.

[@Openhearted2024]

This is so comforting as an avoidant woman. I realized that I have had the pattern of attempting repair in many relationships, family, friends and dating but was dismissed or shut down by them despite my efforts to open up. I wish I’d had this kind of counselling /education in middle and high school. What a difference in managing my expectations and understanding/communicating my needs in slightly different ways. Despite the woes of social media and its impact on relationship matters, I am so grateful for free access to this solid information on the internet. Thank you!!!!❤

[@chickenpop1666]

dismissed or shut down "by them" despite my efforts to open up. Keep in mind not by them by yourself OK?

[@Openhearted2024]

@@chickenpop1666 ok

[@fredpantis2084]

Avoidants are afraid to communicate and what looks like an attempt for yourself, may look like nothing to someone else. When you attempted to repair, how did you bring up the problem? Were you direct about it or indirect hoping someone would notice? It's important because how would your partner even know you're making an attempt if you're not making it clear?

[@wolfgangschanner5947]

Well, I'm married to an avoidant woman, while I'm an anxious man, and when I watched this video I saw all that's happening in our lives. Everything you said is true. And I will watch this video more times to enable myself to put it all into practice.

[@frankgeary7574]

This is my dynamic. She is an avoidant and it is so hard

[@nickcsuki8123]

Man, I recognize that dynamic? What is the hardest part for you in dealing with your partner?

[@wolfgangschanner5947]

@@nickcsuki8123 The main problem now is that she doesn't want to live in the same house with me. We have lunch together everyday in my house. We spend all sunday together after sunday school and she comes to my house twice every week in the evening, but she still doesn't want to live in the same home. It's not so easy, but it's improving slowly.

[@nickcsuki8123]

@@wolfgangschanner5947 That sounds so rough. Couldn't imagine being in that scenario. Where I struggle is this: 'Do I love myself enough to accept this? If so, do I prefer letting go or do I want to stay with her. If so, there must be perspective.' I cannot imagine you are okay with this? Do you use the time you have at hands building/taking care of yourself? I hope you can make some decisions that help you getting the life you want.

[@wolfgangschanner5947]

@@nickcsuki8123 Getting out of these troubles is extremely complex. It would be content for a book to describe the chessboard I and my woman live today. Going on like this and have patience with her seems to be the best way to improve life. It's not easy to live together with any woman. So I think trying to live better with my current woman is the best option I now have.

[@johnankrah299]

Rule 1: Don't. Rule 2: Refer to Rule 1. (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED) God has better for you than a rubix cube in human form. Love to all the good men.

[@bradleex22]

Even the worst avoidants have more love in their hearts than the person who posts dehumanizing garbage like this

[@RyanPs3gamer123]

Here's a simple trick to date an avoidant woman: DON'T EVEN DO IT!

[@SanctifiedLady]

This is great advice for women who are aware of their traumas, wounds, and have started a lot of the work on her own. ❤

[@ModernDatingMastery]

*With avoidant women, patience and emotional stability are key. Rushing or pushing too hard can trigger them to pull away, so creating a safe, non-judgmental space is crucial for building trust over time.*

[@tombain5665]

I just came out of this relationship with an Avoidant lady. Everything that you say and I mean everything is correct. You are incredibly perceptive. I was a securish attachment style before the rollercoaster ride has pushed me to a more anxious disposition. Working to get back to me. Thanks, great channel and delivery. Well done

[@michelletaylor9256]

Very well said and explained. Its the best explanation so far. As a dismissive avoidant woman who has only become aware of this after my 22 year marriage failed. I could never work out what was going on and intellectually I knew I was pulling away or clamming up. However unfortunately neither of us knew how to deal with this resulting in our divorce two years ago. This video spells it out so clearly and I can tell these are strategies that would work for me. It was great seeing the strategies for both partners yoo. My ex though it was my problem and therefore I should fix it. Resulting in me diving back into my protective mechanism even further. I didn't want to but couldn't figure out how to stop or understand what I was doing. 😢 I have learnt so much more over the last few years thanks to videos like these. Thank you for the clarity and suggestions, its really appreciated - from a dismissive avoidant woman.

[@loveandhappiness1111]

I'm an avoidant woman and I can't stress enough how important it is for me to feel safe. Right now I have all my walls up because my husband makes me feel emotionally unsafe in our marriage. I avoid intimacy at all costs. An avoidant woman doesn't resolve conflict though sex like some attachment styles can. Conflict repels us emotionally. We even feel repulsed by intimacy because of resentment. I can't give myself to a person after they've been cruel. That feels like a doormat. To get to a place of safety is extremely slow.

[@1offCEO]

When you ladies avoid us we feel neglected and abused. Look at it from the other side. It only gets worse when you avoid us.Bottom line IT HURTS and we want you to stop avoiding us. PERIOD

[@loveandhappiness1111]

@@1offCEO I completely get it. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m empowering the condition I’m trying to change. When he stops being mean and cruel, my walls might come down.

[@WhoIsAmaze]

Yeah i got stuck in that dance, she ended up blocking me because i couldnt comprehend what she was doing. It seemed very shallow and she just wanted me to give up. She then turned to off putting strategies which didnt work. I love this girl. She blocked me and there’s nothing i can do but learn and get better. I just wish shes doing what in doing. Self development……

[@philipramsden4975]

Been there man. I didn't understand the whole pullback at the time and got blocked. She ended up unblocking me after 3 months and reached out. Took another month or so before we were in regular daily communication again. Been almost 6 months since and have dealt with her pullbacks with ease.

[@MetaPhysStore0770]

So many men have told me, "i really really care, tell me all about whats going on", but weeks or days later its all thrown in my face, used against me, put downs, and smear campaigns😢

[@sevenpounds1463]

The healthy response is, to see, that your sharing was not the problem, the other person is. You could also see it from an egoistical standpoint as a win win. 1) I show up authentically and share my emotions (which won t stay in my body and actually start to damage it--> life expectancy/quality of avoidant is actually reduced) 2) The other person shows me his/her true face much earlier! ....

[@vjbhatia77]

Most likely you shut down again and he got frustrated

[@shanebanx9631]

Constructive criticism isn't him throwing crap in your face it's him trying to help the woman he loves and you're taking it as an assault on your person. If you can realize that his critiques are meant to open a helpful healing dialogue you'll do a lot better.

[@azhaz578]

@@vjbhatia77found the guy who threw it in her face 😆

[@smokingcrab2290]

The problem is not that it is used against you. It's that you are hurting the men you are seeking comfort from and it breaks their trust and they see you flip flopping and betraying them.

[@jaxbchjim]

Wow you just crystallized what other channels take dozens of hours to convey, and with useful strategies that are often omitted.

[@robertdeskoski9783]

Advice like this doesn't work because you can't regulate someone else's nervous system for them. And you can keep giving them space until the cows come home, but there are many, many anecdotes of relationships becoming untenable because one partner wants to tsee the other once a month or every two months, which isn't really a relationship. Saying, "Give them more space and let them come to you when they want!" is like saying "Btw, don't have any expectations that anything will happen". You're not 'getting better' by being fine with that behaviour.

[@marguskiis7711]

Avoidant women are very strange ones and they act act hardcore contraintuitive and abnormal way. Problem is, they themselves never see any problem with it. They think they are super and all others are stupid, weak, pointless, evil.

[@400BadR3quest]

I agree with you. Thats an emotionally immature woman. We don't have to deal with that. If you address it and she doesn't change, leave her. So many mature women to date in this world

[@marguskiis7711]

​@tomkingg where the hell are the mature women? I know the answer: married already.

[@marguskiis7711]

​@@400BadR3quest​@tomkingg where the hell are the mature women? I know the answer: married already.

[@SanctifiedLady]

@@marguskiis7711 some are working on themselves in late age because therapy is 150/-160 a session 50mins 😅

[@TheHighwinder]

Cracking the code means identifying her as quickly as possibly as an avoidant and then using the first legit excuse that comes along to end the relationship (don't worry - she'll give you one very quickly). Congrats, you've cracked the code to self preservation.

[@jacobsaenz7050]

Hmm very avoidant of you

[@TheHighwinder]

@@jacobsaenz7050 No, I don't go through the repeating cycles they do. I'm secure slightly leaning anxious, actually.

[@richardbirch2544]

@@TheHighwinder i agree. anxious and avoidant leaning people should not date or court each other. their needs are too diametrically opposed

[@100theDork]

Today my avoidant lady friend said I need to figure out what I want in the relationship…I needed this video it’s actually helping me to get a better sense of what I want to say and how. Thank you 🙏

[@maaikevermoen1727]

Yes, a woman can be avoidantly attached. So often men are categorised as avoidant and women as anxious. So glad that you aknowledge that women can be avoidant. Not broken, just adapted.

[@ryanbailey8588]

I actually see it as the opposite. Men are usually anxious and women, avoidant.

[@cspace1234nz]

There are heaps of avoidant women. I’ve avoided three of them myself over the years.

[@lizardluminals9324]

@@cspace1234nz how do you find out they’re avoidant before investing emotionally into them?

[@cspace1234nz]

@@lizardluminals9324 ….ask questions, they will make themselves apparent quite quickly. Then of course you have to be able to walk away. That’s the discipline. That’s not so easy because you’re often already attracted at that point. You also have to have been through the pain of having been with one, suffering through the emotional unavailability and been discarded by one before you’ll be strong enough to avoid the avoidant, especially since they can be very appealing at the start. Particularly if you’re empathic as that’s a marriage made in hell !!

[@mrsherwood2599]

Or...you know...broken.

[@TK-to6zz]

I'm an extreme case of an avoidant woman and you understand someone like me more than I do myself. Everything you've said was 100% true and it helped me so much. I know I'm very hard to handle for my very emotional husband and need to work on myself, I just didn't know where to start. This helps a lot! Thx

[@danielleo6855]

I'm an anxious attatcher and those four beliefs are all things I've said to myself, but the difference is that I very much wanted to solve that pain with being a being ABLE to trust someone safe

[@CamaguNcoso]

I ended the relationship with an avoidant woman early this month. A sense of relief I felt and peace of mind.

[@dewalta]

I am just healing from a nasty breakup and a ton of pain separating from a fearful avoidant, who on one hand showed heavy anxiety and neediness for emotional (and real world support) while also “needing space and space and more space” while refusing to relate. Now, as much as it might be fun trying to assist an avoidant some things are pretty simple: relationships REQUIRE relating. Neither the anxious nor the avoidant are safely attached yet, the anxious bring the ability TO RELATE in a RELATionship. This is also the reason why avoidant get more heat than the anxious because they REQUIRE awareness about their state in order to address it. If all those basic ground rules aren’t set, you’re screwed. No chance I could’ve even watched this video with her… so, I love the tips and tricks and all, but none of this works if the avoidant or even anxious avoidant doesn’t have the capacity or ability to work on anything…

[@karabo3079]

This is the first time i've been so anxiously attached in a relationship, i don't know if she is a catalyst or rather i've always been like this and only seeing it now, but she is basically almost everything you spoke of in my eyes.

[@mrsherwood2599]

100 percent catalyst 👍

[@joygibbons5482]

“I want to hear about it, tell me when you are ready to talk about it” Excellent wording. It gives us avoidants time to come up with a plausible lie to get you off the scent but keep you happy.

[@daviddoan9447]

I keep hearing that everything leads back to emotional safety. To make relationship work, only 2 things is needed, stoicism and empathy to women's emotion. Easy said but very difficult to do.

[@leeroyjenkins867]

Please make more content on dealing with avoidant women, especially reconnecting (we had agreed to take some space apart before reconnecting). It was my first time encountering an avoidant and i didn't know how to handle it, but after watching this it makes sense

[@darshjoshi4316]

How's it going for you bro

[@leeroyjenkins867]

@@darshjoshi4316 We had only been on a few dates so it was difficult to really read her feelings. I ended up reaching out to her saying "Hey hope you've been well. No rush or pressure at all as I want to respect your space - just wanted to let you know I'm here to talk if you ever need. Take care, hope you've been happy and healthy". She responded immediately saying she wasn't interested. I left her message on seen It's been a massive ego crush cos i've never met a woman like this before (personality) and in beauty too, so it was hard for me to understand how to cope with it. But I understand in the long term it'd be too difficult to sustain a relationship with her because conflict resolution skills are paramount for a successful healthy relationship.

[@AdamEfrati]

Needed that 2.5 years ago. :/ Everything you said is spot on!

[@kimberlyhumphrey4408]

Its because avoidant poeple arent hateful, agressive, or need to be seen/heard. Anxious does, they are the people online that are so upset and aggressive. DAs hurt just as bad, if not more. We are dealing with it alone.

[@annamarsch6091]

Thank you, very helpful advise. I find your take on attachment styles very spot on. I am a fearful avoidant woman with a mainly secure partner. its been tough for both of us but we apply some of the tools already and we are making progress ( 2,5 years in not linving together) If both are willing you can grow towards more happyness and togetherness. I must say the credit, that we are still together goes to my partner, it took me so long to trust, but he stayed solid committed. It took me a while to understand, what is going on with me and how to start to adress it. Thank you for your work, it will help many people.

[@alfvred7969]

I did my best to give my partner space. I told her that if she needed someone to talk to, I was there to listen and I really, really cared. Her response was “I don’t NEED anyone.” Then she blocked me. It has been months and the only conclusion I can come to is that she chose independence over me. I think a lot of these tips involve simple and clear communication while maintaining space, but if you are in a situation where your partner shuts down or breaks under their pressures, especially if it’s early in a relationship, there might not be anything you can do. Hopefully you are lucky enough to have a partner who is emotionally mature enough to communicate and who doesn’t resort to cutting people out of their life. I don’t think I will ever be able to fully devote myself to anyone in that way ever again.

[@lizardluminals9324]

@@alfvred7969 same happened to me, at least we can take solace in the fact that we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and have good relationships with people.

[@Mia1827]

Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.

[@Mia1827]

Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@Jennyfenty-n1b]

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

[@Mia1827]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

[@oneawakenedsoul]

Wow, great advice Connor, thank-you! I just lost a relationship with an avoidant woman. I suspect that she's a rare one, fiercely independant and feels stifled by too much contact. Likes to live in her house, garden, do pottery, walk her dogs, and have a relationship with a very long tether, or no tether at all. She found me clingy, and I didn't see myself that way, I was definitely trying to escalate the frequency of our time spent together. We shared int8macy, which was great, but after six weeks of me trying to spend more time with her, and expressing myself honestly in terms of what I needed in the relationship, she tapped out.

[@victorhunsaker7705]

Dude, you hit this on the head. I have never been able to find any videos to address my issue. My wife is an avoidant and I’ve been trying to figure out how I can get to connect with her. We’ve been married 22 years and still working on it, but I think you finally gave me some key information that can make us create Headway and I believe she is open to it

[@darshjoshi4316]

Hey bro, I can understand the situation you're in since I am dating an avoidant right now. Brother to brother, I would really appreciate it if you let me know if that worked for you. At times like these, it's good to have a chat with people who we can relate with. How's it going?

[@cvrobinson]

Your videos have been so helpful to me recently and I’m really hoping it says my relationship by learning the things that you are teaching. Me and my girlfriend are currently separated because things got pretty bad in our relationship and I did not create an emotionally safe environment for her. She is an avoidant and the I’m an anxious and so much of your videos resonate with our relationship. I hope it’s not too late to implement these changes.

[@lorirober2536]

Thank you so much. I am beginning to realize, we all are broken in some way and the only way to heal and repair is in a good, loving relationship. ❤

[@alanrodriguez210]

If avoidants feel interrogated, scrutinized, observed, etc. They will shut down and most likely not open to you again easily. Active listening without too many questions is a good strategy, as well as letting them do whatever they want when ehey go out for example. Just be like "cool, have fun!" And believe me, they will send pics and tell you who rhey're with, where they are, etc. on their own

[@zebrapleco7895]

@@alanrodriguez210 or just date a mentally sound woman and not have to deal with that nightmare

[@mattnelson9987]

I'm pretty reticent to listen to any advice on how to 'manage' a relationship with an avoidant of any sort - particularly a female one. (They tend to be fearful, which is a bag of disaster) The general psych literature on this stuff is pretty clear - they typically do not change and what little change that might occur takes a very, very long time. And as a general rule, if you are dating an avoidant female you are likely a more anxious male capable of empathy and self sacrifice (or else you'd be long gone). This isn't a great place to be, either. Your efforts will be ultimately unappreciated and/or perceived as manipulative. You will be punished in the long run. They will resent you. They will have no respect for you. They will lie to you. Having empathy is a great trait but I think in these cases it is most healthy to remove yourself from a situation where your needs are not being met and come to the hard realization that they will likely never be. Save that empathy for someone who understands and appreciates it for the treasure that it is. Furthermore there is significant evidence to demonstrate that avoidants will cheat. They do this for a bunch of reasons, but validation or immediate gratification or the relief of having a need met without the pressure of an actual relationship are the general ones. They can shut off the parts of their brain that are responsible for feelings and operate, robot-like, in whatever fashion they so choose. Downright creepy. You'll find a lot of these types working as first responders, particularly nurses. It's a useful trait to have if you must witness horrible things and then go carry on about your day as if nothing has happened. So keep in mind that if you continue to advance relationships with these types of people, these are the risks. The push/pull cycle is chemically addictive, so leaving hardly comes to mind. But once you're out of it reality sets in and you realize that there is absolutely nothing healthy about a relationship with those characteristics and it is quite possible to piss away valuable years of your life vying for someone's attention who cannot give it. If you happen to find the rare one who is making actual progress with a therapist, walk guarded and slowly. Be aware that they are often master manipulators (subconsciously) and unless you're onto them from the start they'll have you wrapped around their finger. They'll manipulate their therapists, friends, etc. They'll get triggered and flip out of the blue even if everything is great (especially if everything is great) years into the relationship. They are not stable people, but rather scarred children who are more intent upon acting out their childhood trauma on an unwitting partner than looking to free themselves from their it. The childhood wound is obscured by a big burly ego that literally blocks any sort of self reflection or self awareness. Very low reflective function in avoidants. Look into the literature yourself if you don't believe me. How do I know this? I dated a fearful one for a mere two months. It was the most disorienting thing I've ever experienced. Got out, got my head screwed back on straight and listened/read/researched for many months in an attempt to understand WTF just happened to me. Very illuminating. Choose wisely, boys. I'm lucky that my 'encounter' only took a relatively short time out of my life and did not cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars as it has others. Sex was good though - thats the problem.

[@Joel-uv5tg]

Fearful avoidant/disorganised is a tiny subset of people and most of them have personality disorders, especially borderline. Straight avoidant is not like that

[@ClusterB-Magnet]

​@@Joel-uv5tg I agree. He described a borderline (especially the good sex 😂) but he's right about a couple of things.. he's lucky to have figured it out in 2 months. It's scarring for sure. Goodluck.

[@TommyLomeo-k5d]

Patience. Consistency. Understanding. Love.

[@KEN-du2iz]

Man I swear you hit the nail on the head. This is exactly how she is. Unfortunately it's too late I did not realize. I am a anxious attachment and apparently she is a avoidant woman lol. You talk about a nightmare. We met very young and stayed together for quite a long period of time. And what you're saying about wanting to pull this person out I've been trying to do for almost 20 plus years. I wasn't happy quite a bit of time however I didn't want to be lonely I realized that now so I continued. And you are also correct I carried a significant amount of the emotion in the relationship. The only thing I don't understand is you would think over 20 years she would have finally opened up. I know her upbringing well I know what was done to her and I know how she feels however I was unable to continue that relationship I sometimes wish I didn't have children with her looking back now. But I wish I seen this video a long time ago.

[@saidakil7033]

if you could go back and show yourself this video at the start of your relationship and give yourself some advice, what would you say? leave before it's too late? or there are ways to do it better?

[@KEN-du2iz]

@saidakil7033 you know I thought about that after watching this video. However knowing what I know I would still choose to leave. Obviously everybody knows women are more emotional than men. Having said that trying to navigate this specific type of personality is too dangerous in my opinion when you have children involved. She was a great person however, I couldn't guarantee taking this information he has provided and applying it to the relationship that something else wouldn't change. As I speak right now the kids are having the same issues that I was having now that we are apart. It is extremely difficult to explain this to a 9 and 11-year-old. With that said, no I would not be involved with this type of character.

[@saidakil7033]

@ good to know, I am going through it with an avoidant woman right now, my feelings for her are so strong and i’ve never felt this way about anyone else, she can’t even recognise her emotions for me, I can tell that she DOES have feelings for me but she won’t tell me how she feels, any type of conflict or tough conversation is too hard and triggers her into avoidance for 2-3 days. Right now I feel like I could hold out a while longer, try to get close to her which i know take a long time and then try to help get into a healthier place or I could just leave and find someone else. I am torn

[@KEN-du2iz]

@saidakil7033 you are exactly where I was and I understand exactly what you're saying. I once told her she would have to destroy me before I could break away. I struggle for years and she finally did. I sucked really bad at first. Not going to lie. But now I truly do regret not doing it earlier. We tried therapy but that was short lived on her side. She pretty much closed up and disregard the therapist's suggestions. I'll leave you with this " if she wanted to she would, if not then she won't" you will not change that. At this point her mind is made up. You have a extremely hard decision to make.

[@saidakil7033]

@@KEN-du2iz damn, I hope I am strong enough.

[@jondabasol4613]

Currently dating an avoidant woman. More videos on this plssss. Excellent video!

[@nickcsuki8123]

Again, this is really helping me in a lot of ways! ❤

[@kiingsized4261]

Honestly, this was very powerful for me! Thnx 🙏🏽

[@CryptoTaurusMoon]

Good luck! If the woman isn't receptive to listening or working together to repair a relationship, which they already have a subconscious telling them won't work.. then it will be a lonely road for you men. These women are extremely controling and not particularly open to changing. They believe all relationships are doomed to fail or there is someone who is a better fit or they are broken and its not worth trying. It is truly saddening

[@mahalie23]

controlling? i’m not sure that’s an avoidant. my way or the highway maybe…ready to leave, fiercely independent. controlling is more of an anxious ppl thing in my experience.

[@swezeneb]

​@mahalie23 avoidants can be really controlling. Examples would be around time, what they're going to do, that's not my responsibility it's yours, etc. But I would agree that anxious types are worse. People on the other side of it do find avoidants controlling, even if they don't recognize their own

[@Yusa_Beach]

​@@mahalie23I think its the opposite more often, avoidents have more boundaries or walls that they put up, than someone who is anxious, where they are more invested and have less boundaries inorder to protect themselves. Whoever is less invested usually holds the most control or sway of the relationship. the only time an anxious person becomes "controlling" or "possesive" (because that's how it comes across, when you're the avoident and the person who is more invested tries to get you to relinquish that control) is when they try to regain that power, so they themsleves can become secure.

[@dewalta]

If yall scared of avoidants, try anxious avoidant- there you’ve got the controlling and pull away all at the same time 😅

[@Jupiterrbbyz]

I appreciate this is the first video to explain this while at the same time providing solutions. Very true in description and the solutions have worked

[@ChrisDutka]

Eat properly Get enough sleep Get enough exercise Cut out the shit ideas off internet And start living your life.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Best comment ever

[@alchemicalsoul]

I didnt realize I was fearful avoidant for many years. I also supsect autistic/ADHD. It also depended on who I was with whether the anxious preoccupied or avoidant side came out. It wasn't until I dealt with a dismissive that I could remember my avoidant behaviors. The way I engaged men was straight up narcisistic. I was VERY dysfunctional and destructive. I needed to revisit the traits to see how far I've come. I had a controlling grandmother and inadvertently neglectful family. Being with an avoidantan has helped me see the damaged left in my wake. Moving more toward secure if not already. Solitude is my preference, but I save that inner world for a specific man. I suggest not getting involved if you know she has someone in her heart or memory. You will not transcend it. Give the energy to yourself.

[@kristinaadams2745]

Just as I was thinking you could be both, depending on the dynamic, and then your comment I read.

[@harry-james-books]

The best video on the subject, full stop. It's still a thankless task, but this can help.

[@sophieg6707]

thanks for un-demonising us!!! and really big thanks for helping men/women of other styles understand us :) they can still chase a bit tho! ;)

[@dolevv9967]

This video is just great! It helps me understand that the woman I'm seeing is an avoidant woman. I experienced almost every example that you mentioned and it was scary accurate. I love it that there is a way to reach for her and handle her correctly, instead of giving up on her And I love that you taught us that. I hope it will help me improve my relationship with this girl, because I truly care about her and be the "savior" type for her I guess. basically I just want to have a successful relationship with her and I might know how now. Thank you!

[@dannywholuv]

Gentlemen, please dont bother. The juice isnt worth the squeeze. You can do everything right but avoidants need therapy to help them lower the barriers. You are not a therapist and your just wasting time. Ive learnt my lesson, it was a tough one and very confusing at the end. Save yourself the heartache and find someone that can communicate / love you properly. This isnt it

[@ctt82]

So true!

[@Jaeby.12]

i agree

[@NoName-oq9bx]

Yeah, it hurts sm but ultimately ur right

[@chueyeeyang777]

I feel like this is what I’m going through, but I have a son with her. 😢

[@luckyduck8297]

This is the most relevant video about avoidant

[@predrag1]

Wow, this is my marriage(11 years on the 29th of this month), we have two boys. We are in a really bad spot right now, and I wish I had known all this earlier. I dont know how to deal with these scenarios when they arise. My wife hasnt said a word to me for the last three days. She has really retrieved into her shell, and I feel so bad about it, and my anxiety won't give me peace. I dont know how to bring her back. She's a cold boulder right now. I was definitely taking up way too much emotional space, and I pushed her away....again. we've been here many times. I already apologised to her, and I told her, "I am your husband, I love you, and I understand you want space, but you dont need to be so distant." I feel sadness for my wife because she is an amazing woman. I just am not properly equipped to sustain this relationship by my self until she realises what she needs to work on. We are both broken. I would apreciate any advice on what to do in this situation right now.

[@pipolepaw]

Tape some distance , relax, and dont Chase apologize, she will Côme back

[@pipolepaw]

If you can, RUN From thèse people

[@Cre8Fire34]

Tell her that you want to do couples therapy with an attachment specialist. She may get really, really cold and gaslight the hell out of you. But do it. And hold to what you want. You CAN work on your attachment style and core wounds - but if she doesn't see the need to change and work on things - it will be doomed. And endless hamster wheel of emotional neglect and coldness from her.

[@dustins965]

She needs a cool off period, leave her alone. The more you try to use logic and reasoning, the more she'll resist. When she is in the state, its best to let her calm down by giving space cause that's how she been programmed. After about a week, she may be more opened to talking but only talk about the small things, a little each time and spread it out doe days so she doesn't become emotionally and mentally triggered with anger by it. These kind of people are extremely hard to deal with, you need to be an expert knowledge of attachment styles do know how to deal with these types of women or else you will feel you're always walking on egg shells, not knowing when she will crack again. They can be easily triggered by certain conversations, they tend to let things build up then blow up on you rather than conflict resolution at the begining or at the smallest occurrence. Like a balloon, easier to deflate some air if always letting it out but these people tend to hold it all in and wait till it pops. Give her space then tell her you like to talk and work out your indifference or conflict to make both feel better and to improve your relationship for a better future. After giving some time, tell her to tell you/notify you when she is ready to open up again. I am with someone like this, the 1st 7 years i didn't knew exactly what's wrong with her but knew she was much different than many women i dated in the past. She's most challenging to be with but since I invested so much time, i tried to learn why isnshe like this. Took after 7 years to figure it out with a therapist. There's still tons of work needed but my advice is a start for those that are looking for some guidance. Would i date one like this again if i had to relive life again? Most likely not. It's too much emotional strain.

[@timtrygar4780]

I love your videos. They are informative and not judgmental. From someone who actually does acknowledge and want to improve myself I appreciate how you approach these videos from both perspectives. Do you have any videos on Anxious-Avoidant attachment styles? While I am definitely an avoidant in many traits I feel like I’m a bit of both….. sounds like the perfect storm 🫤

[@ThePatricenice]

very helpfull video . i have started a relation with an avoident women and I am anxious partner ...we dated a few times and she is really better & better every date - its a long distance relationship since we are 300 km away - so she has her space - i always wait for her text then i reply - i noticed she is very emotional - one of our first date she was really happy to be in my arms - i noticed she had tears in her eyes for part of the date - she keept me always behind her so she could hide her tears - i really hope i will not make too many mistakes - i need be very careful since she is so avoidants ...wish me luck ...🎉🎉🎉🎉 i hope I did the right analysis ...but i am sure that very close to this anyway

[@zayyanfa3116]

Be careful about the tears brother. I also had the same thing happen. And I believed was an avoidant. These tears make you fall for them more and you think they are so innocent. I’m Not saying don’t try, but I would recommend keeping your options open since you are long distance. Don’t get invested too much until you see real commitment. The one I was seeing did all this, but would then go missing for days and weeks, eventually ghost. And also we would see each other every 2-3 weeks. Just a heads up man. Was painful AF

[@jamesmann4501]

Absolutely brilliant man!!! Never seen a more insightful video on relationship dynamics.

[@fenegroni]

Amazing content! Wish I had found advice like this years ago

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

Maybe the most helpful video I've seen yet for my situation. Much appreciated.

[@CB97113]

You’re describing an exact picture of what my previous relationship was like…

[@lincmitch]

So clear, true and helpful. thank you!

[@jawndeau2084]

I think the tips mentioned in this video are helpful but both partners need to be willing to look in the mirror, accept some hard truths about themselves, and put in work. Most avoidants I’ve come across simply aren’t willing to do that, so c’est la vie.

[@mahalie23]

Agree it’s important to be sober about your needs and their interest/ability to do the work. A lot of avoidants feel just fine and have no intention of changing. Don’t be a victim, accept reality. We all know changing others doesn’t work. ❤

[@jawndeau2084]

@@mahalie23 victim? Lol.

[@j-star1]

fantastic explanation, thanks for sharing

[@lythsian]

The vitriol around the avoidant is wholly justified. If they bring their broken selves to another heart with no care for the damage they can cause it deserves all the ire it gets. Notice those who say avoidant don't deserve this were 'once' avoidant but are now 'secure'. First thing i did in my new relationship was to quiz for avoidant tendencies and i can't express how much more free, secure, safe, cared for and about, valued, cherished and clear i feel. Do yourselves a favour. Find what you deserve. Stop trying to change the way you want to love.

[@emmierow1980]

This was truly excellent. Thank you.

[@johnpolese6575]

Don’t do it. In my experience, “avoidant” just means “not interested”. She will just resent you the longer it goes on since she will always think she can do better. Better to just end it.

[@toddyrich118]

Absolutely striking because this is my exact situation. Unfortunately, we just broke up a week ago. I want to figure out how to save the relationship. She is exaclty what you described. An avoidant who has a father who abused and continues to abuse the mother. I started no contact after she broke up with me because i refused to stay in a silent treatment situation that was lasting a few weeks. Now I'm thinking to reach out.

[@c4m774]

Take my word here all this sounds straight forward.. you can’t have a happy life with them you’ll end up in pain and mentally exhausted. There’s also zero accountability unless there in therapy. All in all it’s not worth the time. Stay single and save yourself

[@MultiRandman]

Great stuff. Helps me tremendously. Wish I'd known this stuff years ago.

[@themakuachronicles]

Wow, every single point in case I mean, there is not a single detail that wasn’t super useful and mind blowing! I always knew growing up. There was something very, very dark and strange about my mother’s patterns, and I would often confront her head on. I just like to address things immediately and move on to the next task of the day, of course our personality styles are way way opposite and, I process too much emotion from my environment. Energy is sometimes strong enough to make me feel nauseous. I have to go inside my room and shut the door. Very interesting too is the fact that all the relationships I’ve seen her go through her for failed marriages, I’ve seen her go through and in between this is exactly the type of supportive partner. She’s clearly never had it even more fascinating that another generation before her, w where my grandparents and my mother was the youngest out of seven, and when my mom was born, my grandmother went through a nervous breakdown of some kind and sort of abandoned my mom when she Had very severe trauma experience with the psychotic break that seem to lasted for years at least until high school😢

[@Toni266-k4j]

This was great . Thank you

[@ManTalks]

Glad it was helpful!

[@StraightGuyStraightTalk]

Yeah if these men don’t fill up the emotional void. There will be no relationship.

[@TheOakenwulf]

Be sure to fill it with something useful.

[@marguskiis7711]

​@@TheOakenwulf what is useful?

[@TheOakenwulf]

@marguskiis7711 the sort of emotions that a genuinely loving husband has for his family.

[@cooper7604]

1:40 Thanks for pointing this out.

[@neilwattoo]

Men, listen to me and listen good. No relationship should ever require you to do this much work. If it needs all this, she isn't the one. This is not how you want to live. Trust me, I've lived it with my now ex-fiance. This situation is the perfect, "you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't." Nothing will ever be good enough for her. Yet if you do too much, she's still gone. She's so confused, she wants 2 polar opposites. 1- To maintain her independence, because that's where she's safe - alone with herself. 2 - this fallacy of what the perfect relationship is. Which hers does not exist. She wants everything, but she wants nothing. You will never be able to understand this person. They dont even know why they do what they do. Stay clear. This woman is indeed "damaged, dangerous, broken, and an issue." And unless you want to be too, you better run. Run like the damn wind.

[@CGillSP]

Great video. DO NOT CHASE is very powerful. Thank you. My wife is avoidant, anxious, and blind. She relies heavily on me to help her calm down and to get around, but refuses to reciprocate. She says it’s what I get for marrying her, and my problems aren’t her problems. I’d like to hear how easy is it for avoidant attachment to verge into narcissism. She has also fired a dozen therapists and sabotaged our couple’s counciling.

[@Emma-ox4ki]

Good lord, this is so spot on

[@milesmatulionis]

Awesome video man! 👏

[@emilyh7951]

My partner and i move between avoidance and anxious and its difficult. We deeply care for one another and are both scared.

[@GoobilisDoobilis]

I wish I would have found all this information years ago. I just ended a 13 year relationship with a Dismissive Avoidant woman. I am the Anxious Man. I hope my Ex find this information for herself someday.

[@marguskiis7711]

Wow. 13 years. Maybe the woman just hit menopause which make most women act avoidant.

[@mahalie23]

@@marguskiis7711😶

[@magicisreal111]

I think I have disorganized attachment style because my parents were very loving and safe but I had a large birthmark on my face and it was when I left the home that I didn’t feel safe because I was met with staring and pointing and little kids who didn’t know better told me I was ugly and socially rejected me. This caused me to shut down and become selective mute for three years so I was further isolated. I’m hyper independent now but also a long time recovering love addict where my addiction was marked by severe anxious attachment but I’d never let my needs be known and I’d only date unavailable men and then be triggered and spiral into deep depression. Gratefully I’m very happy and healthy now but I still tend to lean avoidant. I did, however, have an 8 year committed live in relationship that ended a few years ago - and I really saw how much I had healed because I felt very content and wouldn’t have left had there not been some very big irreconcilable differences.

[@ольга-п4я]

I am avoidant woman and it has nothing to do with "I can only rely on myself" I pull back every time I have feeling that I am not loved back. I do step forvard he is not reciprocated back, I pull away. Easy to explain - it is a deep fear of not being loved, and yes it is childhood trauma. You are not getting rejecting if you not even trying. There is an anxious basis under it, and it became so strong that you are predicting trouble and simpy managing the damage before it happens by not asking for love, not going there, not trying or pretend to not trying (but being extremely anxious inside)

[@itude1237]

I understand what you are saying by stating “Avoidant’s are not bad”. However, my 2 serious relationships (15yr marriage & 2 yr girlfriend) in life so far have both been avoidant woman. They both cheated, stole, gaslit and lied daily. They used avoidance to enable their behaviour. Granted they were both severely avoidant!

[@jannameyer2069]

It’s not only early in life! You can have an amazing childhood but have negative experiences as an adult that flip a woman into avoidant strategies

[@jankiedron1955]

Thank you for this.

[@jc-jg9pp]

this would've been the perfect video for me a few months back :/

[@LePainetLeVin]

Same bro...

[@jc-jg9pp]

@@LePainetLeVin 🫂

[@ndndndnnduwjqams]

Totally

[@johnkaiser6710]

Very insightful, I would always ask which as you say she would deflect or gloss over. Never occurred to me to use the tell me about. I also went into hopeless and helpless mode as she slow faded on us. I had no idea about attachment styles or how to properly and caringly interact. Hopefully I get a chance to try what I'm learning with her. Wouldn't these behaviors increase emotional closeness? I ask because my partner detached and even deactivated as we did get closer. I'm also working on becoming secure and changing my own behaviors.

[@MyShapeofmyHeart]

1. move from questions to statements, tell me about your day, work, your mom etc. foundation of its safe for you tell me and i want to know. not asking do you saying i want to know. And if she says no just say okay i want to know so tell me when your ready. and building trust and it safe and creating genuine connection. 2. give thanks instead of criticism. dont go into hopelessness. appreciate the small things. the phone, call the hug, telling me about your day appreciate all the things she does no matter how small. her interal reality is welcome in your relationship through priase. 3. be clear about expectations. i expect us to talk about xyz. talk 3 times a day or have a date night is it fair to you? how do you feel? about that?. safe engagement and how she feels about those things. whats okay and not okay you create opening allow her to come in dont chase.

[@MrVronscki]

It's hell on earth. Am infinite push and pull, worsened by narcissism

[@jluis333]

If she isn't fat or ugly someone will come along and save her. I did this 35 years ago and eventually made it work, minus the 6 times she said she was going to leave me but didn't.

[@lavado1phinn]

would you be able to cover disorganized attachment? :))

[@angelm6497]

Im pretty sure as an INFJ personality type, I have been called avoidant. I am not avoidant, just selective. I can't do superficial relationships, but I will talk about the tough stuff and what has hurt me in the past. If you ignore me, you will be left in the dust. So guys, please make sure you educate yourself on the difference between an INFJ and an avoidant, because you may just be loosing out on a GEM. Rather ironically, while going through healing I have been pretty clear on telling those with no chance, I'm not interested and those that have potential not now, I am dealing with a lot, always leaving the door open slightly. But I don't chase.

[@sivezt]

You sound like you are living in your ego or possible high on the narc scale. Maybe you should practice empathy to balance yourself out.

[@angelm6497]

@@sivezt OMG, I take it your having a dig at me, obviously triggered by something within yourself, leading you to strike out at me. The Empath🪞 effect. I have exceptionally high empathy, and I am an Empath. In the truest sense. In my Myers Briggs personality test scores, the intuition score was almost at 70 (69 if recall correctly) and the other markers below 10, 6 and 7. I posted the actual test scores from the personality test to encourage others to do the test, rather than just accept or own any adverse comments from an obvious narcissist, and just so they could claim the label of the rarest personality type. Which actually is a SIGMA INFJ, not just INFJ. To me, being an INFJ has been more of a curse than a blessing. I can assure you that any arrogance, inflated ego, or any other narcissistic trait was beaten out of me at a very young age. Then came adolescence and my mid 20's onwards as an independent, and mostly single woman. Did I fall prey to becoming bitter and twisted, yes at one point I did, with the trauma I have endured, of course, that's only natural. However, I identified these toxic traits in myself and I made a conscious decision to change. And I did; I didn't like the person I was becoming, a reflection of others that had hurt me, so I made major life changes to address these traits. Having just also left a 20 plus year relationship, following a medically induced coma and multiple NDEs, with extended severe illness during recovery, I finally woke up to the fact my husband was a covert narc. I had to take a cold hard look at myself and accept that on some level, I had accepted and agreed to the level of abuse I was enduring on a daily basis. The saddest part was, the realisation that I had been so badly abused in the past, I had a accepted this level of abuse as normal, even positive in relation to how I had been so badly abused in the past, and by many different relationships, including my mother, and siblings. Don't speak to me about shame, humiliation and humility, because, as a psychologist said to me once, most people that have endured half of what you have been through in life, are either dead from drug overdoses or hooking on the streets. The fact your sat here clean and sober and living a clean life is a success in my eyes. Despite the fact I felt that I had never reached true full potential. That part inside me of me that felt like a failure. Not all hurt people, hurt other people, some choose to break the cycle of abuse within their lineage and help others. Just because you can't manage it, doesn't mean that other people can't, if they choose to do the work, they very much can. I choose to believe that people can, with the right support. Not the nastiness that you spew out, for reasons only known to yourself, but I'd suggest that you reflect on that. Look in the mirror and have a chat with yourself, if you can bear it. Otherwise pray that you will be shown the way forward, to a more positive life. And from that I disengage. I have nothing more to say to you, with your current adverse attitude.

[@sivezt]

@@angelm6497 you are proving my point further. The problem is everyone else right? All you’ve said is Me me me me me😂

[@sivezt]

@@angelm6497 instead of taking what i said and reflecting on it, your forst instinct is.. HOW DARE YOU! 😂

[@angelm6497]

@@sivezt tell me, why should I care about someone as offensive as you and who is clearly looking for some source of their own narc supply? What; do you think I can't recognise what your doing? As I said, look in the mirror 🪞 and stop projecting your 💩 on me; like a typical narcissist. I take it you couldn't read what I said, because it's pretty deep with reflection and admission of my own failings. You just can't do it can you, so you strike out in your own bitter and twisted way. TRIGGERED!!