How A Secure Person Reprograms Their Mind When An Avoidant Pulls Away

[@guitarskooter]

I just affirm to myself this statement. "I dont want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me" and it snaps me into the correct mindset every time.

[@GrowthwinSpace]

Yeah pretty much the same. But I like what this guy is sharing about positive re inforcement stuff.

[@rpstgag]

That's also my favorite affirmation. So helpful in course correcting away from wallowing.

[@thetraveller6578]

The best way to reward yourself is to leave a toxic avoidant who doesn't want to acknowledge the problem and refuse treatment. Reward yourself with healthy loving relationship with a secure person.

[@user-of9bx1uk3u]

❤✨👏🏼

[@marguskiis7711]

Take "love" as business. Never have feelings. Simple.

[@FrankyboyFloyd]

Exactly!

[@adreaminxy]

@@marguskiis7711 you are big on this idea and very wrong, it’s called having standards that come from having your own emotional maturity and ability to regulate even when faced with love and heartbreak - a very hard thing to fathom for many of us who never grew up with good relationships and modeling

[@moreobsidian]

“Treatment” lol so secure

[@Alexandramkv]

Great timing, I’m going through a breakup, they left me, I’m not going to beg, doing the work and praying to god to self regulate

[@OjRod28]

Stay strong!! 💪

[@777-h6n]

Good! Move on, focus on yourself😊

[@MichaelMike]

There are other people out there. Don't blame yourself, just take responsibility for your part and improve. Almost no relationship is based on two people who are perfect for each other.

[@lenurbatalov6445]

They will come back! Make sure you don’t fall into trap

[@xannecorinnex]

@@lenurbatalov6445how long do they come back? I’ve heard if you leave men alone, they will come back at some point

[@dennismasalunga3158]

I respect and understand an avoidant. But, I respect myself more by not being romantically associated with any of them.

[@comeagyn]

Preach

[@justagrlwithnoname]

I won’t chase…absolutely not. And trust me it’s not easy as a secure it still hurts. Still cry and still feel like I got punched in the gut and triggers me feeling unlovable, unlikable, unworthy. But I learned to self-regulate and coping mechanisms in therapy. I also just respect my boundary when I realize someone refuses to hold themselves accountable. Dated an avoidant for a little, he pulled away…I let him. And he’s now dating a clear anxious person. Seeing their dynamic play out in real time is wild. I wish them happiness.

[@6X636-o8f]

I was in their situation as an anxious person… it sucks

[@catlanzuliani2157]

I just went through this heart break 3 days ago. I'm also secure attachment, and she managed to through me into an insecure anxious person these past 3 days. I pulled myself out and secured myself. I still love her, but now I understand what she needs. She knows she's an avoidant, she knows she needs to change. She ended things with me to allegedly work on herself (I doubt it). If she shows back up in my life, she will be with conditions to meet. What once was, will never be again. Either way, I'm open to a matched attachment person and moving on after healed

[@lesleygonzalez8784]

Girl we both know that relationship is doomed… and until ppl recognize something needs to change and do the necessary work to get there the patterns talked about in the video will continue

[@777-h6n]

Avoidants are toxic and emotionally abusive. Secure people do not tolerate such things. We understand their situation but know we deserve better. Graciously wish them well and move on. I’m secure😊

[@777-h6n]

Yes! We do reward ourselves. We feel proud that we did not accept toxic behavior.

[@cspace1234nz]

...yep, I am mature, well-adjusted and relatively secure in relationships. Just that I recenlt brought a near-perfect 3 month relationship to an abrupt end just 4 days after she shut down emotionally. I didn't need a second go as I have zero tolerance for emotionally stunted adults. It was too good, too loving and too intimate, as you are suggesting, these people are extremely destructive in relationships and 4 days of griowing anxiety for me was a stark reminder of what happens. I think the anxiety is good because it's the indicator that this person is just plain wrong, no matter how amazing that illusory 3 months was.

[@MonicaKM111]

YES! 100% agree,

[@marguskiis7711]

So, the secure people are never in love. They take relationships like business.

[@seanmurphy2679]

​@@marguskiis7711 you kind of have to man. It requires leadership, cooperation, communication, compatibility, reflection, improvements, everything that is said in business philosophy. In truth it isn't that it's like a business, and more that they both are 'child' elements of the 'parent', a healthy philosophy

[@ThaiWithSarah]

Wow. I didn’t realize I slowly went from being anxious to being secure in a few months by dating an avoidant. This is mind-blowing 🎉😂 Thank you for this video! ❤

[@gauhar10]

Wow! 😂 I went from secure to anxious after a year of dating a dismissive avoidant. He destroyed my confidence, chipped away from it daily… and he was so good at it! I’m not the first one he did it too clearly.

[@patriciapeeters7]

Yippeeee I just realized I became a secure person, at age 47 🎉 Thank you for this video 💯🙏🤗

[@razz6475]

YIPEEEEEEEEE🎉

[@mariaisabel-rx4in]

As a secure attachment person , I would have love if you include the fact that even if after you regulate yourself and calm your "anxious toughts" not being with them its also ok, because you can see the value of your life and your independency to know when its enough of "pull-push" games

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@maria. Surprised I haven’t seen this question elsewhere. Yeah as a secure person it gets exhausting to be the one doing the work while the avoidant is off in lala land. I’m cool with it but I’m out. My patience is only so much. I can’t be the relationship. Someone has to be meet halfway. And each person is different. There are some avoidants that might do the work however that wasn’t the case for me. The game is lame and I’m out. And like you said, it’s ok.

[@brennam954]

Exactly. And securely attached people are rarely in relationships with avoidants. Avoidants tend to primarily date other avoidants or anxious folk.

[@PepsiGirlZZZ]

As a securely attached person, I second this. After a few cycles (sometimes realistically only even one) of going through self-regulation and positive feedback loop, it gets tiring and my patience runs out. I know what it is like to feel regulated and safe, so I tell myself that these extremes are not healthy and that I should be seeking more “balanced” connection. I end up rationalizing it to myself because I don’t like feeling anxious.

[@lucerorodriguez6842]

Okay, i thought something was wrong with me. 😂 im an anxious person learning to be secure and not chase people when they lead me on or ghost me. The last situation, i just ghosted back, and not as an action to get a reaction. I saw their games as a lack of interest. And i cant do hot/cold or inconsistent communication. I do feel bad for not saying anything. But ultimately weve only went on two dates and he didnt really care, in my perspective. I guess if i was still anxious, id be chasing him? Unless im avoidant now 😅

[@BlackWolf-gk8sn]

@@lucerorodriguez6842 I think you might just went to the other extreme. As a secure person I simply don´t play the game. I refuse to play mind games. I communicate openly about my feelings and thoughs. The reactions will tell me enough, if it makes sence to stay of not. If I noticed this kind of behaviour from my ex, I spoke up and pointet it out. She became super defensive and at this moment I knew. She has still a lot of work, infront of her and this will not last. I wated to be sure, asking if she wants to work on that together? Her response was clear. No, she wants to work on herself first, alone. At this point, the relationship was over and I axcepted it imediatly. I went no Contact the time, the break up was there. No fixing. No trying to rebuild. Just focusing on myself, how to get better again, after the hurt.

[@nataleekennedy6544]

Yea a secure person doesn't *function* out of fear, they process any fearful emotions and release. The thing is that you can't make yourself available for someone who can't meet you where you're at in terms of secure attachment, emotional availability and willingness to communicate with *truth.* It's hard for people to be truthful when they aren't aware enough to see what they're doing to themselves through the avoidant game, or understand how they truly feel, or what they truly want. Because if that's not you, they need to communicate it. A lot of avoidants do know what they're doing though, shutting down with too much emotional proximity, and they don't have any accountability to their partner in this process. Worse is when they do this intentionally to control the dynamic, to make you chase. Now we're getting into mind games, lies and trash behavior. The Hallmark of a secure person is that you know what you want, you can speak directly to it and evaluate if the other person can meet you there consistently. If not, it's a goodbye.

[@Saturn57]

We act immediately bc we're trying to get rid of the source of anxiety. Doing shadow work and inner child healing helps. The anxiety for me resulted from having a narcisstic mother who would retaliate every time I stand up for myself by mocking me in front of other people, give me the silent treatment or complain about me to me abusive father, unless I act cheerful and repent immediately. I had to force myself to act against my intuition and my true self and that is how the anxious response started.

[@gauhar10]

I hear you ❤❤❤

[@philipramsden4975]

Honestly, what helps me the most is reminding myself that I did nothing wrong and working on a project. She always comes back, so yeah, it's a little uncomfortable, but she has to work through her stuff and I can't control that.

[@amandar5457]

I agree, I think anxiously attached people blame themselves waaay too much. I have so many friends that fall into that. Forgiveness for yourself and others that’s natural. ❤

[@Selin14.03]

So are you still together with her, how are things going for you?

[@phoenixrisin2269]

Yes you can. Never take an ex back; they are an ex for a reason. Do you even know what she bringing back with her? Accept the fact that some people are for recreational use only and very sparingly as not to entangle yourself with all the other people’s energies she’s been with plus the energies of all the other people they have been with. Toxicity is very contagious!

[@Confessions089]

Stop letting her back, don't take back again because she doesn't love you. True love would stay, communicate and work through problems.

[@fathima1639]

As an anxious individual who gets too attached to people, this sure helps!

[@alaia-awakened]

This video is confirmation for me that I’m healing from disorganized to secure. Someone just broke off a tight friendship and finally I’m not chasing; I’m reestablishing me needs and giving those to myself.

[@sharnamajor]

Thank you for confirming that I WAS in fact secure in my relationship with a DA. After his discard, I've regressed into AP but know I can get back there. Him saying my anxiety was too much, was him flaw finding. I knew it!

[@alaia-awakened]

“I know I can get back there” I love that you know that!

[@sharnamajor]

@alaia-awakened thank you! It's a steep mountain and I'm still in the grieving stages. But doing it once means it's possible to do again 🙂

[@Mate_Mateo]

I was the same. I was in such good place before this one... Even thru whole relationship I was secure, i noticed shes pulling away but gave her space and hoped for the best. Eventually she made a move to pull away, saying she dont feel anything and i respected her wishes and i let her go in the most gentleman manner, after which she cried. Afterwards I became so freking anxious hoping she would return. Did no contact and i broke it just so i dont feel that void anymore. We had a pleasnt and casual chat, texting each other for 3 hrs and i went to sleep. Hoped for a day or two she would start a convo again but no... i just let her go and finally after 2 months I feel at peace. Still thinking of her but accepting it for what it is and i know i did everything right i could have. Im actually so proud of myself. Wishing her the best and praying she will heal 😊

[@johnnycalderon9951]

At the end we need to except that if we did everything right its not our fault. My ex left me cuz she fell out of love and didn't have the urge to see me anymore. I said no problem. I would of liked to work it out but she didn't. Almost 3 months later she still breadcrumbing and I'm just completely ignoring not worth my time. They will keep on repeating the same mistakes. While we will keep improving our lifestyles.

[@smokingcrab2290]

So basically the strategy is to just forget you're even with the avoidant and just invest in yourself till they come around again when they want something from you. There's literally no reason to have the avoidant in your life.

[@FreshStart2024-qg8zm]

Well it depends how good it is when they are back as in are the wins during the good times enough to make up for the weeks you have to sometimes spend alone focusing on you. My line is when they cheat during these 'spaces.' That really pisses me off as they say just need to find themselves but do that using others.

[@smerdopsis6092]

Yo that's exactly how I feel. In my opinion, if they aren't going to show up as a partner or a friend, they don't deserve that title spot. We have choices for our relationships, so I invest my time and energy into people that have the capabilities necessary for secure relationships.

[@harry-james-books]

You don't get to choose who you fall in love with, and unless you're psycic you'll have fallen in love with them long before they reveal their problems. They're not being devious about that - their "problems" will kick in at the point where they realise that it's not a dream and you really are great and everything they wanted, and it sends them round the bend. Your choice is either hang on for the ride or jump off. But it IS, your choice.

[@Confessions089]

​@@FreshStart2024-qg8zmit's not a win. The win is when there's no breaking off, no toxic chaos, and healthy communication.

[@MsBaster12]

Avoidants scar you for life

[@shehasagoodheart]

Only if you let them.

[@ke1tor]

You are YOU. And YOU are loveable just as YOU are. Someone who you need to fight for? - Not the right fit... Someone who wants to fight for your love? - Not the right fit...

[@ivansj612]

This. Exactly what im going through right now. I've been scheduling my day and following it religiously , waking up early at 4am, drink them water, journaling, reading my book, going for a walk at 5.30am, working out at 6 am until 7 am. Have been the one thing grounding me and keeping me sane. And rewards 😂 i just had a dark chocolate this evening, because i feel proud of myself for being discipline doing my workout 3 weeks straight, 6 days a week. Thank you my avoidant partner. I was able to realize and grow through this. The savior mentality is something that i still need to work on. But, keep working on yourself. I believe in you. Hopefully i find myself in a secure relationship next ♥️

[@lunarseas6144]

I'm at the point of embracing my independence. That's what feels good now. And I see that focusing on wanting a relationship with a particular person has been self-induced tunnel vision, when there are unlimited things that I can do with my life that would likely be more rewarding. So I stepped way outside my comfort zone and I'm pretty sure the rewards will follow.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Yeah man. I'm coming to realize I will never have the love I want from a woman so I'm just going to focus on me and only me.

[@lunarseas6144]

@@smokingcrab2290 When we know what we are passionate about, and especially if we also have an animal companion, it's really all we need to feel complete.

[@connorphilipp]

I realized today I am healed. I used to be anxious avoidant but I am secure now. The main thing I realized is that I genuinely hated myself. Making a list of things I like about myself took care of all of that. It also shed a light on my unresolved issues

[@dozzzinggg]

I'm secure attachment ♡♡♡ I recently got rejected by an avoidant crush (well at least I think this person has avoidant attachment), and I emotionally was experiencing anxiety for a while, but I gave space and validated myself. I got into working out at the gym as my way of taking care of myself and self-soothing, and I'm feeling really well right now because I let the feelings flow through instead of shaming myself 🥰 Also, I feel hella attractive because of my newbie gains 😂

[@colorfulmoree]

Beautifully said chris. Your work on the anxious avoidant has significantly helped me reprogram my mind. I never thought I'd overcome my breakup this time last year. But since then ive not only overcome that, ive also moved into a more secure attachment style and found love again. Your work has definitely helped me a lot man. Appreciate it ❤

[@ancyeulalie1211]

We are getting so much better

[@JenGrice]

This is exactly what I have been doing while dating a fearful-avoidant for the last year. And he always comes back even after I remind myself I’ll be okay if he doesn’t. Love the information on the positive and negative feedback loop!

[@whiggygirl]

Do you never get fed up or annoyed at them keep disappearing?

[@cspace1234nz]

...why ? I mean, why bother ? Who wants to willingly be in a relationship like that when ultimately you must go they will find new ways of sabotaging the relationship and ultimately discard you or worse, keep pushing and pulling and controlling and manipulating you and the relationship ?

[@FreshStart2024-qg8zm]

Mine always comes back. 5 years now. His longest relationship. I have started to see his meltdowns as time to focus on work. Then when I am with him I drop everything. But know I'll have time to work later when he runs again. Lol.

[@cspace1234nz]

@@FreshStart2024-qg8zm ….dysfunctional !

[@brennam954]

@@FreshStart2024-qg8zm You do you, but please, don't have children with this person. A child does not deserve to grow up in such a toxic environment.

[@elevatorman7945]

This is so encouraging, I had assumed all this time that a secure attachment person didn't feel uncomfortable, now I understand that they just know how to in an effective and healthily wsy manage their emotions

[@Kaapalkeens]

I wrote a comment about "please make this for Avoidants :D" but I also decided to put a few thoughts for the ones in wonder, maybe that will, I will try to give some ideas I've collected myself on how to (hopefully) fix and better-up the Avoidant style. (They are not really in order or comprehensive, but there might be some tips) 1. Be more of a giver than a taker - We Avoidants don't like making gifts. It's someone else territory. Can we even? Who knows! Talk to a stranger outside, give someone you adore a gift. Small one! Tea set! A little doodle! Who knows! Give happiness to someone but yourself! 2. You are mostly an introvert - Start taking steps out of your comfort zone. Talk to new people, start opening up, start trusting people. At most you start noticing people don't betray and are really good to you! 3. Anxious partner will be like an overbearing mother to you - I know what it feels like. And it is. They are not, they are like you, but they are not your mother. They won't ever be. They invest their time in you and if all they get is ignorance and avoidance, only filling YOUR needs. It won't get you far. They will BREAK UP with you. And it will feel like the End of life... of your Mother. Treat them like the person you wanna be with, give happiness, not the person you wanna take all the juices from. The more they TEND to your TENDENCIES the more you become of an infant. 4. Your security comes from NOT inside of you - Avoidance is a tendency to run away from the problem and if you always do it you will never come into the opposite territory. You have to do Step 2 + also reward yourself with it. Mine rewards usually are the happiness I could make a gift to begin with, then gift it. Sure, the reaction probably nothing interesting but it is the idea, that the gift is kept/used. And, maybe months later somebody else reminds you of that little thing you gifted. It's heartwarming. 5. Stop thinking you are the powerhouse of the world - You are not, you are a cog, you've done nothing serious. And that's fine! Do your little job, just understand you are as any other person out there. Living your life and enjoying it. 5.2. It's fine being wrong - You will close in up on yourself because of pride or some other things. But who do you show the pride to? To the person you love? To the person you adore? You gotta fix that. You are not god. "I'm wrong! I'm sorry!/Thank you for saying it!"... HARD TO SAY. But sometimes you should. 6. If you shut yourself down... you can't run - If you start running away - it's over. Your patterns took over your life. Sadly, there is no easy way out like "Hey, I can bear it!" No, you probably can't, but the video up above does also give you a hint on how to handle it. - Acknowledge and accept the feelings of avoidance. - Try to find soothing in your partner. The way they care about you. The way they think about you. -- Their world is different from ours, where we, Avoidants try to find soothing in OURSELVES, they can't do that (yet!) so they try to find SOOTHING IN YOU. The ONLY PERSON THEY CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW. -- So as an Avoidant you have to find your soothing in others, while Anxious needs to find their soothing in themselves. This is a double-edged rewiring. You BOTH gotta work. AND YOU, MR AVOIDANT, should work THE HARDEST. - You've dealt with stress of Anxious person in a correct way? Reward yourself, reward you both! You both dealt good if you un-stone-walled, and they became calm. THIS MIGHT FEEL like a temporary solution BUT! It does wonders in long term. RELATIONS are DYNAMIC. So even a small gift, of calming your partner once, twice, thrice will have effect MONTHS LATER. - Build the confidence in yourself... and OTHERS!. You can do it, you've done it... YOU BOTH HAVE DONE IT. You can manage people, you can be with people. It's fine. There is nothing to run away from. They care about you, You are as important to them, as they are to you. - Consistently choose healthy behaviors. - Reward yourself for those choices. - Build confidence with yourself and with others. 7. You have to be a strong backbone of a relations - As it sounds no person will stick to you if you succumb into your worst fears every time. You have to fight your insecure tendencies and raise as a winner, than to fall into darkness of Avoiding the partner you care about. BUT FUNNILY ENOUGH, this is MORE than a RELATIONS ADVICE! - "Sometimes it feels like an impossible task! My job is never too much! I can't work it anymore! I stress it 24/7 but I get so little? Why the world so hard and unbearing? I don't think I deserve anything! I've done so little! Others work harder than me!" It's fine, others also work. You don't know how much and what they do. Some people might have other ways out. Ask them! Maybe they work way lesser than you? But you don't ask them, you don't get into their world. "It's scary what if they bump you away?" Oh, man, they won't! People are way more friendly than you might sometimes think. They will help you out, like you wanna help them out. - Life is not about doing what you can't, its about doing what you can do. - and you can do little steps (what it seems to you) but we all tend to overestimate what we can do in a day. And we underestimate what we can do in a year. - Do your job consistently, I know you have ADHD or all that other fancy words. It's true. Wake up in the morning, have that "melancholy feeling" and go work. You don't even realize what you do, but in the long run you do way more than you think... Also, pre-plan your main idea from the evening. Scary? Ask somebody else to be with you while you do it. Might help! - Doing things you thought are scary/hard, overcoming them might help you with self-esteem too. "Work is hard, what do I even do?" Do what you can, and enjoy the process. Life is hard. But people aren't there to bite your head off. 8. After being in love. It will be a choice of your life priorities. Not every couple is destined to be forever-in-love. And that's fine. Some want to be rich, some are fine being poor? Some want big family? Some want to just be in the moment? It's all fine. But if you find you BOTH CONSISTENTLY agreeing on things like. - Your place in a world, home - Family relations - Friends relations - Your inner and physical health - Carriers, realization of money and self-success - Having self-space - Loving each other - Hobbies and spending free-time You might have a relations that might last longer than a few months! That's about it. That's all I could find... Plus like a 120+ pages google doc I wrote over some time 😔 We can get over it, Avoidant bros. Don't give up on true love.

[@brendanavarro4111]

Treat others as you would like to be treated. 🧠

[@brennam954]

@@brendanavarro4111 That's an impossible concept for avoidants

[@brendanavarro4111]

@@brennam954 no is not, I learned! if you learned something you can also unlearned it!

[@brendanavarro4111]

@@brennam954 It took me years! But I was willing to do the work!

[@livewires8637]

I like your videos Chris. The subject matter was fascinating when I first wanted to understand attachment. Predictably I would exhibit anxious behaviors when dealing with avoidant people. To save my time and energy I simply no longer entertain avoidant people. I used to listen to videos like yours looking to understand myself and others better and effect change. I no longer feel the need to. Keep up the great work. You are making hard to understand things easier.

[@chrisseitercoaching]

Thank you for the kind words!

[@smokingcrab2290]

Never ever ever commit to an avoidant. Ever.

[@livewires8637]

@@smokingcrab2290 you’re preaching to the choir

[@Mate_Mateo]

​​@@smokingcrab2290 problem is you don't even know it until you hit the wall. After you hit it you begin to dig and find out. I learned the hard way.

[@amandar5457]

I know many people who claim to be secure on here seem to be quick to toss aside anyone with an attachment issue. The sad thing is that anyone who has an attachment issue can’t fix it without secure attachments. I think sure don’t accept toxic behavior.. but we’re human and I don’t think a single person can say they haven’t ever been toxic in some way. It’s more about willingness to be introspective and grow in my mind. Sure some people aren’t, but if they are I’m willing to compromise to help if possible. Secure people recognize it’s not anyone’s fault (extreme situations aside). It helps with anxiety of conflicts to realize that and reserve judgments and forgive. It should be about growth and if that person is worth it doing it together. Don’t get me wrong, if willingness is not there it’s a firm I’m sorry I can’t forgo all my needs for yours… it’s not personal just you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.

[@teresafan2285]

I agree, amen. The best response I've seen so far here! It's all about growth for both secure and the insecure/ avoidant attachment. It's just one is leading the healthy behaviours and hopefully the other learns from you. Who are we if we are not human right

[@kippyc98]

Agree and - I think at least half the people claiming they are secure - are not.

[@lattipatterson]

I really love your comment!❤ Perspective is everything… you sound like someone is quite self aware and empathetic! It can be difficult for people to be introspective… it can be scary to see the truth… but once a person is willing to put in the work and heal parts of themselves to become whole again, it can be the most rewarding thing ever, and it opens the door to feel free, embrace one’s authenticity, and become unaffected by toxic people, manipulative people, and energy vampires!

[@alaia-awakened]

I’m someone healing from disorganized to secure. Both my parents were avoidants, and most of my relationships were with avoidants. I absolutely need a hard stop on the attachment style in my life. I’ve given so much time and effort to these people. I think that exhaustion is the place where a lot of people watching these videos are coming from.

[@brucefullwood]

Some interesting thoughts, Amanda!! I have comments: "I know many people who claim to be secure on here seem to be quick to toss aside anyone with an attachment issue." - I don't think any healthy person "tosses" anyone aside. I think healhty people speak to how they feel, describe ways to address it, and if those needs continue to go unmet, move on. "The sad thing is that anyone who has an attachment issue can’t fix it without secure attachments." - Well, I don't know that I agree. I think someone that is avoidant can go to work on solving that issue without any sort of attachment. More troubling, however, is the implicit entitlement in your thought. Sure, someone who's secure can help an avoidant. Possibly. But are avoidants entitled to such help? "I don’t think a single person can say they haven’t ever been toxic in some way. It’s more about willingness to be introspective and grow in my mind." - Sure! It's just that avoidants, as a rule, aren't introspective. They know they're doing harm; they expect it; and they don't address it. "Secure people recognize it’s not anyone’s fault (extreme situations aside)." - DEAD WRONG. If I hit you, is it still not "anyone's fault?" Sorry, Amanda, but avoidants are "at fault" for their avoidance and the damage it causes.

[@suhailballim4159]

As a secure Attachment the first step is managing anxiety. It's not that it doesn't exist. It's just accepting it and progressing it

[@thankyoujesus2836]

I think it’s better to confront them or do what they do. Pull away too. Mirror them. Otherwise you will always be the one that’s being played. Nobody you’re in a serious relationship with should just pull away from you and for it to be ok. You’re not insecure if it makes you feel unsettled. You’re aware and know it’s not supposed to be like this. Don’t give and avoidant attacher all the freedom he doesn’t give you. Hold them accountable and state your boundaries. Tell them they’re either going to be in this and deal with their incomfortableness or they can end it. You can’t be the only one doing all this internal work so they can play by feel. You’ll get played and be uncomfortable all the time while They don’t care

[@fenegroni]

You really hit the nail on the head with this one : rewarding ourselves for healthy behaviours. Thank you! Sometimes we forget how works on others works on ourselves too. ❤

[@lisesin1]

Mot easy, but it works. Respecting each other and accepting who we are, is a huge part.

[@AXALRZ]

My biggest lesson i’ve learned is that love is conditional, not unconditional. Set strong boundaries and stick to them. Secure people are better at that which makes boundaries the thing to work on for avoidants.

[@trudymeans3520]

Perhaps the most helpful and useful KZbin video I've ever watched.

[@chrisseitercoaching]

Wow, thanks!

[@dalpaos0974]

As a Secure, I just knew the day coming in the future of him BEGGING to come back (which was his pattern) would happen again, so I took the initiative that FINAL time and dumped his ass....and left him alone. No contact, which, ALWAYS works. He couldn't stand it, and, I kept ignoring all his messages...he still won't to this day stop messaging me from time to time, trying to squirm his way back in, but I've long moved on, and although he knows it, he also knows his -ahem shortcomings, and knows that NO OTHER WOMAN ON THE PLANET would give him the time of day anymore, so, his sorry avoidant ass gets to worship me from afar, as that "Ideal" woman that avoidants love to put on pedestals. Thanks for coming to my TED talk!

[@jakebulette6485]

Hey. I recently went through something similar. Are you doing okay? I could really use someone right now. But, only if you’re in a similar state of mind

[@zakhadjali957]

Lmao this comments reeks of insecurity 😂

[@cspace1234nz]

...yep, I did the same. I 'hurt first and hurt hardest' after her first emotional shutdown so she might experience the full consequences of her bad behaviour just 3 months in. I have zero tolerance for these people. I've never ended a relationship where we never had an argument, let alone a single cross word. It was actually a really beautiful relationship and we got on fantastically well, just that after 4 days of emotional retardation I was done, she had to go and I too kicked her sorry arse to the curb. As a pretty secure guy usually, the anxiety I experienced over that 4 days was a torture to me, I was in shock at my discovery of who she really was. I don't want to stick around and overcome the anxiety thank you, I want to experience it and I will react to it accordingly.

[@dalpaos0974]

@@zakhadjali957 So does your "KZbin Channel". 😂

[@hibiscushoney3759]

😂love your comment

[@mvalwa]

This is one of the best videos on navigating a relationship with an avoidant. Thank you.

[@rorymills271]

If you've ever come off drugs its the same so treat it the same its just withdrawals healthy coping strategies will save your life. Trust me avoidant people know exactly what they are doing most people that come from broken homes do this and that's most people now days.

[@malapauta]

thats exactly what im feeling right now i used to be a heroin addict years ago and i feel the same way with this break up

[@rorymills271]

@malapauta it's a dopamine deficiency issue you've become dependent on them for dopamine. try macuna powder in your coffee or hot chocolate, and L tyrosine and ALCAR in water or a sports drink they will boost your natural dopamine levels.

[@marguskiis7711]

Yeah, its easier to live without a love. Take relationships like business. Transactional dealings. Simple.

[@rorymills271]

@marguskiis7711 it's actually not their lives. They are actually shit the self-aware ones that are honest will tell you exactly that if you know them well enough.

[@vandittpatel]

So, what Chris is saying is: Forgive and forget, do your thing happily and then reconnect. Basically, let your partner be. Keep taking their abuse. Even a secured person will become frustrated if this is done repeatedly. Avoidants are villains indeed.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Basically, just abandon your entire relationship needs and expect nothing while the other person uses you

[@sthembiso2nkosi697]

You need to set your boundaries and communicate your needs to the FA, believe you me they are not bad people at all, they are so loving and caring, talking from experience.

[@chloe2472]

@vandittpatel Hes saying if you want to stay with the person, this is what you can do as an option. But he's also stated that secure people prioritise their needs, so in my opinion, if the avoidant doesn't work on themselves and change, the secure person will eventually leave.

​@@sthembiso2nkosi697 Mine was the only woman I ever loved so deeply. Including my ex wife. She even asked me if we could get married. I said absolutely let's go, I love you. The very next day a drug addict moved into her house to do labor for her,and she texted me she has feelings for him. I've been ghosted 12 weeks now. Loving woman? Yes. Evil yes.

[@ak_akemi]

Nope, both need Therapy

[@heatherberry01]

Proud to say I went from an insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style at 40. I am a late bloomer but I am proof that You can heal once you get real with yourself that those that pull away is the universe protecting you from the wrong people. 💪🏽

[@0KaitoShion0]

Can I just say that your videos are really high quality? Not only in content, but the way you speak and pronounce keywords. It gives your speech a nice tilt that makes me enjoy just listening to you! I also think your voice is really nice to listen to, but as good as the audio is, you always accentuate the topic with nice pictures and effects! Your videos are carefully and expertly put together. I'm glad I came across your channel! Keep up the great work! 🙌🏻✨

[@Downstream33]

Mmmmm, I don’t know. A “secure” person who has to reward themselves is just an anxious person trying to feel secure. A secure person just thinks, “ok they need space” or “they don’t want to be in a relationship” and they adjust their plans and expectations going forward accordingly. Also in acknowledgment of this new epiphany, a secure person pulls back as well as they reset to go in a slightly separate direction.

[@brucefullwood]

Here's another very helpful, positive, reinforcing response to an avoidant, Chris - LEAVE. Sure, your ideas of a) acceptance of your anxiety/discontent, b) engaging in behaviors that self-sooth/self manage, and c) delayed response . . . they make sense. But for a constant and consistent avoidant, why stay in such a relationship?

[@smokingcrab2290]

It's like in order to be with an avoidant you have to pretend they don't exist and not have any needs or desires yet remain in emotional purgatory so they can use you when they need.

[@erklesnerp]

For real. The most helpful part of his videos are the comment section that showed me this is my life, if I sign up for it. Really put it into perspective and changed my course.

[@brennam954]

True. To deal with avoidant folk we're taught to calm our nervous system when they pull away and just sort of..."know" that they still care for us. But when they pull away, in fact, that is when they're trying to sabotage the relationship. That often is part of their deactivation. Why are we gaslighting ourselves "oh, they love me, I just know it" when they treat us like $hit? Just say no to avoidants, kids. They're like drugs: the highs are high, and the lows are even worse, and the relationship will never be as good as it was in the very beginning.

[@alaia-awakened]

Agreed. As long as we all keep doing ALL the work, avoidants never have to. It’s about time. they feel the consequences of their actions

[@svetikchum6988]

I think like when non-mental health professionals make contact, they don't really realize that there's an entire subsection of people that are not anxiously attached by still dealing with avoiding partners, so they should do Kat self soothe, disrespect, or lack of progress, or lack of clarity or Transparency or accountability, because anxious, preoccupied attachment is anxious attachment in instances and situation. That's excessive and uncalled for not appropriate reactivity to unsafe behavior so the only two options would be for the avoidant person to heal, or for you to walk away or stay and tolerate things and tell there's so much space and time in the relationship that it falls apart.

[@bnatalie]

Wow, I learned myself though this video. Proud again I closed the door after him and never reached back, however it was painful, switched my focus instead. Thank you so much for this video.

[@cspace1234nz]

....Nope, I am perfectly happy to act on the anxiety I feel when in the company of these emotional stunted people. I'm usually a very clam, relaxed and well balanced man but when someone in my vicinity feels the need to sabotage a good thing I have zero tolerance and they must be gone, I wouldn't even want to know them as a friend. I just got rid of one of these people, in fact my anxiety over a 4 days period when her 'honeymoon phase' ran out of gas was the perfect indicator that she was no good. I 'hurt first and hurt hardest' so she might feel the full consequences of her bad behaviour, I don't care which of her parents dropped her on her head, as an adult she must be responsible for her actions and 'do the work' like the rest of us. She had never been dumped before, of course, so experiencing that may be a bit of a wake up call for her, though I doubt it. If she comes back I am absolutely not interested, I am here learning all I can to ensure I never get stuck with one of these ones again. Such a waste of time and energy and terribly heart breaking as well of course. Avoid the avoidant at all costs !

[@rpstgag]

Your point about not even wanting them as a friend is the REAL tell. If I wouldn't put up with this in a plutonic friendship, why the hell would I tolerate it from a partner.

[@ksmith7402]

I really appreciate how you’ve explained the process like a scientist, thank you

[@jessicamerced9116]

Wooohoooo!! I love this video, I can tell I’m healing…very very slowly but I’ve made lots of progress in the past several years. Acknowledgement and acceptance is powerful once you build emotional resilience and distress tolerance. Before you know it…you’ll realize you’re doing much better 😊

[@marialazaridou7924]

This video came at the right time!You 've just validated what I just done for the first time!!!I bought myself a new laptop to reward me for handling the situation in a secure way. .Of course, I needed to buy it but I gave it to myself in a reward mode.This video was the first to play ! Thank you for the great tip. I want to say to all anxious people who find avoidants toxic...that we also have to cope with that anxiety and overthinking finally and don't blame avoidants . They are in our life to make us acknowledge our own triggers as not to carry them for the rest of our life.

[@ivansj612]

Well said! I appreciate my avoidant partner, I was able to learn a lot and grow from it ❤️

[@scottgodkins2017]

Wait…isn’t figuring out how to put up with the effects of an avoidant partner just enabling their behavior? That’s not good for EITHER person!

[@monikaleszko5343]

I use to be anxious attachment and chase when they didn’t text etc I did a lot of healing and once they ghosted or pulled away I lost feelings for them 🎉

[@stoomdoom6148]

This is exactly the help I was looking for but didn’t know the right terms to find it. I cannot thank you enough 🙏🙏

[@liev3430]

Omg I dont get anxiety anymore. Read about this years ago and practice it just fine. I want my privacy back and idgaf about their choice. Hurry up. Im tired of wasting time. Who cares how you react to them. They are the avoidant. They can go to therapy if they really wanted to...and if you can accept it, you will stay since the relationship is worth it.

[@jermiahrules]

always find videos that explain what anxious attachment looks like but never how to deal with it until now, huge vid for me

[@smokingcrab2290]

My wife isn't avoidant. My relationship with her is hell. It's as if I don't exist in all she wants is for me to solve her problems. That's the only time when she Chimes into my life is when she needs me for something to fix for her. We have no connection whatsoever. Everything is extremely surface level. We have no bond. Every single time I express a need calmly, it is met with nothing but either being ignored or total gas lighting. Being stuck to this ball and chain and being put in this emotional purgatory is something I would never wish on anyone, and if I have to reward myself by basically being myself and doing the things I enjoy in order to cope with normalizing this level of ridiculous emotional abandonment on a daily basis, I would rather be single

[@xannecorinnex]

Why don’t you separate and get a divorce then if it feels like hell with her?

[@Tdawgg.]

Coming from a nearly 30 year old woman who’s been through intensive therapies, whose father stayed with my abusive narcissistic mother “for the kids”, leave. I don’t care if you have kids or not. Leave.

[@anandanabila8439]

Run fast as fast as u can

[@doroparker1702]

Are you a masochist? Why do you let her treat you like this? You need to stand up for yourself because nobody else can do it for you.

[@aquamondo-aquafitness-onli9668]

I would really love to see videos, which not only dump the emotional work on the anxious or secure part. They are accountable - but with 50% like the avoidants. This kind of information keeps the anxious in the same loop as they have always been - being 100% responsible for all the work.

[@joannegild8001]

This is great! I must be basically secure, because I self-soothe and simply don’t try to change him. I talk to a therapist. Recently I became depressed because I feel I’m living a lie! Once I talked about that to the one person I could tell, I felt better. I left him twice over the 3 years we’ve been together, but he wanted me back. The rewards thing is so helpful.

[@DavidHernandez-ph8sn]

Dating apps and cell/text culture has killed dating.

[@pilarn3347]

This is totally spot on...legit psychologically relevant references, clearly explained step by step patterns...love the written addition to words and imagery. Perfect! Thankyou!

[@matildastanford7019]

lve just discovered that there's nothing l can think, say or do that can beat or control the "anxious"-ness bit but l can control the attachment part. Also that the depth and severity of my multitude of wounds means that l just cant be loved, so l give up any possibility of ever being in any relationship. Relationships equals only pain & suffering, and its always me who bears the brunt. l havent yet fully mourned the hurt of childhood let alone adult life. l havent probably wept in over 40 years. Have always buried it deep and now it's all come flooding out, there's scars that'll never heal and there'll never be enough tears. l'm beyond intimacy now hopefully, in time, l'll come to love myself.

[@jasomon2115]

If you can't fix it on your own, seek therapy. Many people with terrible afflictions like bpd goto therapy. And succeed

[@maxk5741]

If you’re just as anxious and able to rationalize your anxieties and control the outcome and your response to those emotions does not make you more anxious or more secure , sorry to break it to you psychology 101.

[@maxk5741]

Exactly because your attachment style is rooted deep in your childhood, not coping mechanisms that you learned or able to cognitively somehow miraculously soothe your anxiety. This is just pure BS and a slap in the face to the attachment. Dairy guy has no idea what he’s talking about some of his points, the avoidant attachment cycle is valid but Applying Skinner’s behaviorist principles to explain secure attachment oversimplifies and misrepresents both concepts. Attachment styles are deeply rooted in early emotional bonds and experiences, not just in behaviors reinforced by rewards. Secure attachment isn’t about self-reward for positive outcomes but about an intrinsic sense of safety and trust formed through consistent caregiving. Unlike conditioned behaviors, attachment styles reflect core emotional security, which cannot be reduced to simple reinforcement mechanisms.

[@purplebutterfly314]

Very good advice! In the end it comes down to having a sense of self and purpose beyond your relationship with this person.

[@smokingcrab2290]

Wanting love, attention, affection, and to share life with this person is not Boi g void of a purpose or sense of self. If it's all about being totally independent, then there's literally no point to the relationship

[@ilariocolli]

I feel this is true, but only half the equation. Secure people don't only manage their anxiety better once it pops ups, but they feel it less intensely and less frequently too, so it is, effectively, easier for them to manage. Both things are true at once. I was anxious and am now secure, and the above is / was definitely true of me.

[@Tdawgg.]

Months after my break up and feeling normal again. But, this video has made me realise I’m much more secure than I thought I was, especially through my actions, yet I believe now that I was dating an abuser.

[@judith460]

When you truly love yourself.Detachment is a breeze. Match the same energy and walk away.

[@eurolex2446]

1. - Acknowledge your feelings of anxiety 2. - Practice mindfulness & meditation 3. - Acceptance of anxious thoughts as normal (instead of trying to suppress them) 4. - Handle anxiety (by using cognitive behavioral techniques to challenge negative thoughts) 5. - Practice healthy communication and independence (express your needs calmly & maintain your independence) 6. - Reward yourself for handling it in a healthy way

[@Mousettii]

The thing is I know I WAS a securely attached person in all my former relationships, but after 4 years the relationship made be behave in an anxiously attached manner because of all the stonewalling and not speaking for days/sometimes a week. I grew tired and sick of it and intolerant and just called his bluff and let him rot. Now after the resontment has built up about this and sime of his other stubborn traits and trauma in more than happy to let him go. Never, ever again. Learning about attachment styles has educated me and I will now avoid like the plague. Only healthy secure attachment style partners for me now on! 😊

[@clintondouglasiv603]

Best video this helps with self-love and healing. Keep making more like these!!!!❤

[@saltcitytarot]

Secure, who use to be anxious here. Definitely doing the work, sit with it, therapy-- take accountability for my part, and understand the other person did what they did. Heavy on the mindfulness. I also work in mental and spiritual health. 😊

[@Elizabeth-nq9ly]

Hey this is actually pretty good. You have confirmed for me that I am on the right path.

[@chasehughesofficial]

Chris this is truly such a great video, man. Awesome job.

[@mariacampos5994]

Love your videos!! The effort for getting the info, the production, pics , voices! You really invest a lot of time! And are really helpful! Thanks a lot!! ☺️

[@4udioFour]

One of the best & most direct/practical videos on this subject. Thank you!

[@LynL-v7o]

Yes, well said! You definitely deliver the best information on Avoidants and you’re absolutely my fave on KZbin. Your topics have all been super helpful for me to learn to be secure with myself, very empowering stuff Chris, brilliant work!

[@Integr8d]

Before hearing what B.F. Skinner has to say, the thing that has made me much more secure is KNOWING that my happiness comes from within. I used to BELIEVE that my happiness came from my significant others. And that’s a massive fucking mistake. Do not make it. If you’re feeling anxious that another person is pulling back -> there is a reason for that anxiety. And I’m going to guess I already know what it is. Hold that belief up, front and center in your mind, and use your RATIONAL faculties to take it apart and realize how silly it is. And then ask yourself, “If my happiness doesn’t come from him/her, from where does it come?” Now you’re on the path🌄

[@ke1tor]

The dichotomy between secure, anxious and avoidant is as follows (as adhering to the white and black of the Yin/Yang).... The avoidant says: "This is black... Yeah bye.".... While an anxious person will say: "Ok, ok, I didn't mean it it's black ok? I mean, I didn't mean when I said it was white, it's black... Honey? Ok?".... While a secure person says: "Wait? Black?... Naw dude, that shit is white..."....

[@pacman311085]

Just went through this two months ago, would be quite secure but had emotional response to said breakup, avoidant is a new experience

[@Sai3495]

This video was very very very very very good and I've gone through this previously.

[@momog5615]

If you feel your pain once you won’t have to keep feeling it again and again. If you leave when you recognize the pattern, it hurts and you get over it. If you’re pursue you continue to go towards the thing causing your pain and never escape from it

[@caddycallaghan]

Excellent information and presentation delivery. Really hit the mark for me. Very valuable. 👍🏼☀️

[@brendabrinkerhoff1363]

I have a secure attachment style and do not like the on-again-off-again relationships with avoidants or the clingy, needy, anxious style. I would love to find another secure who has healthy boundaries and wants a long-term healthy relationship that progresses naturally toward marriage. But it's hard to find.

[@Danae1079]

Would be glad to see the same kind of video but for how secure people handle the anxiety of anxious attached people. That would be EXTREMELY helpful. (Would have sent to my ex lol)

[@SilentPhilly]

I'm feeling, that I'm becoming secure.. now I'm making it fast the same way.. so at least i can say thank you to this man for this.

[@monicaw-thecounselor7769]

I will never beg or chase and I didn’t. I’m matching energy, period…take all the time you need.

[@yratoRB31]

Growing up with one is a whole lot harder. You have this childhood of memories and it’s literally a piece of you. 6 years from 14 to 20. I wouldn’t wish this on anybody. I don’t know where it all went wrong and why I’m made to feel so unwanted. And it’s so much harder to just walk away and leave them to their own devices. You just end up caring more than you expect. And you want to help. But they don’t want your help anymore. Let alone around at all. I played my part. Don’t get me wrong. But the push and pull man…. I just wish I didn’t have to be this way.

[@User-vz4xm]

This is the most helpful and useful videos on this topic so far!!! Thank you algo god for sending me this valueable video and thank you so much for your work!!

[@johnkaiser6710]

Don't forget the importance of being able to sit in uncomfortable feelings and letting them: 1) be felt and 2) pass through you. Ya gotta feel it to heal it fits. The activities will create emotional space which will allow them to change or be changed from negative to positive. Denying how you feel will keep you stuck in that feeling, also just staying busy to avoid feeling an emotion will just prolong the process. I think it's called emotionally maturing by working through your emotions rather than reacting to them like protesting with passive aggression for instance.

[@mandym6471]

Sorry it’s sounds to me like the anxious partner needs to beal and become secure to fit around a avoidant, have to say the more secure I feel the less I’m attracted to avoidant’s

[@moreobsidian]

Sounds like the anxious type to me

[@thehermitscorner]

It is more complex than that. Both the avoidant and anxious type have similar core. Both avoid intamacy. They both do it in a different manner though the anxious chases people away so they dont have to be intimate and the avoidant just runs to avoid it. Both types need to heal and learn the strengths of vulnerability when to use it safely and become adept at when to open up and when to withdraw. The reason they both are drawn to each other is the different expression of avoiding intimacy and hence they go for a long long time and cannot give eacg other up even if it is not good for either in the 3D world

[@timetraveller22]

Awesome one. Tangible steps we can take. As a woman, i feel very empowered with this advise. Tq

[@HVO2024]

As a secure woman I feel the confidence mostly comes from being/remaining present & understanding/compassion for the other person and their challenges. We just don't want to "deal" or take on emotional challenges we don't quite understand and although it saddening that a potential partner pulls away, truth is, life goes on. That person would have to learn a secure person will not chase and will allow them their space in efforts to see if they grow emotionally and if not the secure one will continue to move forward. The secure person never stop moving forward as stated in your video.. Heal, engage in positive distractions (where time spent with the person of interest would gave been), and continue to work to achieve goals etc = law of attraction organically. We are then shown that the universe has our back and don't need to depend on anyone but ourselves to get by. It's not only confidence that we gain in the process, it's the security in that what most are afraid of, the Great Unknown... where it truly is all at. ❤

[@Roooofuss]

I don’t think most ppl understand how profound this is. Do you think you are naturally like this or did it develop over time w practice

[@HVO2024]

@Roooofuss good question! I'd have to say it's a combination of both. Compassion has always been here. I function from a "other persons best interest" perspective. Meaning, I make sure that my actions never affect the other negatively, i.e., I never lie or cheat. I'm as loyal as they come because... how terrible would it be if someone did that to me? Right?... . I was hurt by an avoidant, and I healed. It took a while but the pain of being betrayed by a person I felt was the one was so uncomfortable I chose to be happy and not drown in that pain ever. I learned that even avoidants don't know what they're doing or better yet realize the pain they are causing and if they do, then I learned how crappy that trait is and that I don't allow it in my life. You have to let these people figure things out on their own. They truly need to be alone until they heal they're childhood trauma. The experience just made me see not everyone is like me as you stated. I live in gratitude, love and always choose happiness.. 🙏 💕

[@Roooofuss]

@@HVO2024 beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

[@tofasten888]

Thank you. Thank God, I have the tools. But, I am anxious. I want to believe that my friend and I have a spiritual connection.

[@marji_mozart]

I love that I did all this🥰 and now I’m in love with myself and my life.

[@miyawinn623]

This video is gold. Thank you, Chris.

[@cathrinesinna4889]

This video is one of your a slam dunk Chris. Brilliant work. Thank you 🙏🏾

[@libelulaz]

Great video. Thank you. The only thing I am not convinced about is the rewards step. For me that is just healing and taking care of yourself... Calling that rewarding yourself sounds nice, though.

[@AD-hh6dd]

Then why do people with maladaptive behaviors keep repeating them despite negative consequences? Your description of Skinner’s work was incomplete. The answer to my question can atleast partially be found in intermittent reinforcement if we’re looking in the context of conditioning. This can also affect secure people.

[@hattinghj]

Because the maladaptive behaviour rewards by avoiding (or shielding from) whatever negative self judgement the inner critic spawns. The negative consequences hold less weight than the inner critic's judgement.

[@brendanavarro4111]

This message is for the “avoidant” people: Treat others as you would like to be treated. 🧠

[@leithmark959]

Our state of mind depends entirely on the quality of thoughts we allow ourselves to entertain.... stoicism at its best.

[@GrowthwinSpace]

Great time indeed.

[@essaundiema5745]

One thing that seems to be working for me is GROUNDING myself. I'm an anxious-preoccupied working towards secure. I prefer walking long distances to reconnect with nature and working out. As long as my body gets exhausted, I get to care less about my anxiety. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I read the Bible and pray. Oooh, I also keep my phone silent and periodically check for notifications and missed calls. Take yourself on solo dates too!

[@joseeduardoparra2812]

the timing when I found this is perfect