Allison Gives Gabe Very Real Dating Advice

Her time has come.
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[@PopcornEmma]

this is a really great unintentional ad for alison’s book

[@JustBetweenUs]

ahh thank you!!

[@catbeara]

As an Irish person, that intro was a jumpscare lmao

[@jw844]

I agree with Allison that a relationship thats mostly good, low conflict, shared and separate interests, where you are friends too is definitely possible and attainable. Its a combination of finding compatible people (which is partly luck, partly meeting new people) and keeping in mind what you are looking to build with the person. Best of luck and thanks both for sharing advice

[@Paulinemoke]

Honest to god, I still go by that advice Allison gave, like, years ago - do you wanna show them off in a mall? And there is complexity to that! Sometimes you don't wanna show them off in a mall, and you're not happy about that relationship. Sometimes you don't want to show them off in the mall, and you're not proud of them, even though in the relationship, they are perfectly fine, and they are just not the person you imagined being with (then YATA and you gotta figure out what's going on). But it's an amazing easy question that is really good for filtering. It says a lot, not nessesarily about that person, but what relationship you have with that person

[@khadija1517]

Do you remember what episode that was? I love that advice too, trying to find so I can rewatch it. Maybe it was in the podcast?

[@Paulinemoke]

​@@khadija1517 I think she mentioned that a couple of times, but definitly once on an episode - no clue which one though,

[@Cherri_Stars]

I remember this episode! It was on the old couch show. And it's making me feel weird because idk if my current partner passes the mall test

[@khadija1517]

Thanks both, I couldn’t remember the other two tests, but I found if you google “Allison raskin mall test” she talks about it in an interview with someone

[@sadicalradness6927]

Gabe asked literally every single question I had, including “What other perspective would you have, it’s history???”

[@emrys7168]

It's absolutely possible to meet someone in your fifties and be committed and happy. That "must find my person NOW" thing is pretty common in your thirties, I think, but it's never too late. Finding that person is largely luck, I think. You can totally up your odd of being lucky, but never to 100%.

[@annajensen67]

Gabe looks so defeated in this video, I wish I could help… (aka I wish I could date Gabe)

[@abbypierce4196]

😂

[@JustBetweenUs]

hahahaha wow

[@Theo-fj7os]

My ex was my assigned roommate in college, and it took us months to actually click. We ended up having one of the healthiest and most healing relationships I've ever had, and I think it's our differences that really taught me a lot and made the relationship so valuable. So It's interesting to me how important initial chemistry is to people, including myself. I guess what I got from that experience was that there's something to love in everybody even if there's not an initial spark. Sometimes when I meet new people I think of it as a fun challenge to ask the right questions to find something that I think is really interesting about them. It makes me feel good to assume that people are good and interesting, to be someone people can feel comfortable not being perfect around. And then I'm not constantly thinking of if I said the right thing, so it helps me be more present and kind to myself. Anyways, this was rambly and maybe obvious to other people, but basically good luck Gabe! I'm sure you'll find someone. And I really liked Allison's advice :)

[@JustBetweenUs]

This is actually very helpful. -g

[@notl33t]

I love Allison's advice. I think it can be easy to be mired in the "I'm bad at this" or "I'm never gonna find this" thoughts especially off of the hilarity of a few new dates. Its not a bad idea to take a pause from romance in general even not in break-up mode.

[@hannahaziz9359]

This was a really satisfying advice video for me because Gabe said everything I would’ve replied with. Thank you for the vulnerability. And Alison gave great answers!!

[@maxq96]

I don't think you can tell if a person is "the one" on day one. It takes time. It's a risk. You're going to feel like its a waste of time if it doesn't work out, but its part of the process. Its a numbers game and its timing. Both you and the person you want to be with have to be in sync with your values, what you want in life, and where you're at mentally and emotionally at this moment in your life. If you find that connection, then you can grow together and become more aligned to each other over time.

[@downtomarsaudio]

I love seeing this side of you gabe! I love that we have years on comtent to see you both grow and your hearts get bigger and more tender ❤

[@JustBetweenUs]

oh thanks, I think I've just changed a lot in the last few years so Allison's right, of course what I'm looking for is more open

[@harashe1000]

Returning to this as I just read a great article about a woman on a three-week rafting journey who fell for one of the guides and it reminded me of what Gabe said about not knowing what to do if the date is nice but there's no flaming desire immediately: "It’s funny to think that if I’d met Doug at a party, or even on a two-day trip instead of a three-week one, I’m certain we would have written each other off immediately. If we’d met on a dating app or been set up by friends I probably would have gone back to those friends and told them how awkward it had been - how we’d had nothing to talk about and we just hadn’t clicked. But instead we spent all day sitting together quietly for three weeks, and the bond we formed in that boat has grown into the healthiest, strongest relationship I’ve ever known. I’m not necessarily suggesting that everyone should go through 200 hours of awkward silence with a first date before writing them off as a bad match. But maybe we put too much importance on that initial spark, or we tend to equate that spark with words and how easily they flow from the get-go. Neither of us turned out to be much like the people we thought we’d met during that first day on the Colorado River, and I’m glad we had the time to realize it." Article Title: I Spent 20 Days In A Raft With A Silent Stranger. I Never Expected The Twist Ending To Our Trip. Author: Alison Kaplan Publication: HUFFPOST PERSONAL Saving the article myself to remind me that initial spark/first impression is great, and the slow burn/buildup to something very strong, healthy, and fulfilling is great too!

[@summerkennedy348]

I’m so over dating. I also want a relationship. It’s so hard

[@laovvi7140]

Retrospective on the Irish Potato Famine coming to Patreon when? 😂

[@paulabreuning]

When do you read the person the list? Never. The list is for you. As you get to know them, you think once in a while about the list and maybe cross a few things off or tick a few boxes. The longer the list is, the less likely you are to get everything on it. And Gabe's polyamorous, so that's more ok than for the monogamous, he can get different things from different people. Dan Savage gives good advice on the Savage Lovecast, highly recommend.

[@jw844]

These red flags and reflections you both mentioned makes sense. Heather Hogan's substack had a fanatastic article last month on 10 red flags to look out in friendships and dating. That list really helped me evaulate my existing relationships and new dating situations. Helped me realise one 5 year + relationship was full of red flags, and two other relationships I had a sturdy basis behind the happiness

[@kgrim024]

Allison is so smart and great with advice. Gabe is so smart and relatable

[@StripesofShay]

Maybe you already know this Gabe, but when I'm dating I find it helpful to take to someone on the phone before putting in the effort and commitment of meeting in person. Sort of like a first date before the first date! Sometimes its a 6 minute call, which tells me a lot about them and who they are, and sometimes we talk for an hour, and both have thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.( I've found myself actually dating the people who I've had the successful hour call with)

[@JustBetweenUs]

Oh interesting!

[@caitlynwhitfield791]

I also think something important to keep in mind is that the relationship is what it is, and what you ultimately want from a partner has to match what fulfills you, not societal standards of what a serious relationship “should” look like. You’re doing it right if you both feel like you’re enhancing each other’s quality of life! Don’t worry about finding “the one” necessarily. Just find someone who you’re happy to be around and attracted to and who is in a similar place to you/has similar wants and see how things go. Also dates with fireworks can fizzle out, dates that went well can grow into something beautiful, and you make the choice to continue the relationship or allow it to come to a close depending on what’s right for you at that time. Lastly, it’s ok for things to be difficult, but not stagnantly so and not all the time. To get through difficult times there has to be support, understanding, change to reflect learning from the experience and growth.

[@JustBetweenUs]

This is great thank you for this comment -g

[@chetanamanchali8378]

Guys can you make a short from 05:05 when Allison is talking about change and evolution . Need to send it to a friend.

[@greenglassgoblin]

this is great, I also just ended a long term relationship and am now confused about how to date instead of live with someone

[@aaran2329]

Omg Gabe, thank you for putting all my thoughts and fears into words!!!! I genuinely have the same struggle and I don't understand how to deal with it

[@GorditaGuerita]

This was fabulous thank you both ❤

[@celineludewig987]

Such a fun episode. Always love the advice ❤

[@frangg23]

“I know what I want but I don’t know if it exists” is pretty much how society makes us think of poliamory.

[@estrellaln3836]

This was really helpful for me! TY

[@WeTheDylan]

I’m gonna save this one to watch again before my next date.

[@verkanntoderverwunschen]

so hate when i think the thing i want is not real 😂 felt that. do think it‘s almost a question of faith in that beyond direct „proof of concept“ in that sense but think looking for indirect „proof of concept“ be it fictional or conversational explorations within that realm of resonance help so much 👽

[@emschlef]

Question for Gabe: Are you prioritizing dating other neurodivergent folks? I felt similarly about not being built for long term partnership until I met my gf. Our communication is much easier, we respect that we both need a lot of alone time with our special interests, and things that I'd have to explain a neurotypical person (like stimming and meltdowns) are just norms for us.

[@saggguy7]

Obv not gabe but I’m going to guess as a fellow non-monogamous person that he is mostly going on dates with ND folks, that’s kinda how it goes on the poly scene 😂

[@Nino-xp5df]

Allison said some great things about time and what you can or can't expect or know after a certain time with a person. I've always thought of it in a way that I can make plans and look into the future roughly as long as I've been with someone up to that point. So after 1 day that's another day into the future and that's how far and deep my plans should go. After 5 years that becomes 5 years and so on.

[@Jackie-zg6tb]

Gabe, i’m 30 and in the same boat of being single and not knowing what i want. The prospect of putting in all the time that allison was talking about (w no guarantees of it working out) sounds kind of exhausting and overwhelming to me…idk but i do really want a girlfriend that is what you’re describing gabe! Hopefully we both find what we are looking for 🤞🏼

[@JustBetweenUs]

thanks bb

[@jkroyzer]

I absolutely was in the same boat as Gabe like 2 years ago. I distinctly remember, the week before I met my current bf (and tbh, I think life partner, it’s been amazing and we both see us together for the long haul) I said to myself “I think I just might never meet someone who I’m compatible with”. And then I did. But also: I maybe could not have too. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing to think that it may never happen? Cause it may not. But if ur willing to keep looking/keep ur heart open, u might end up finding them. ❤

[@mainamaina98]

Solid advice from Allison 💯

[@weatherbitten]

I think I've realized I don't want A Partner, I want to meet people and explore connections and build community. I want my own space (also autistic), and to be around people that help me feel seen and support my growth! I do relationship anarchy & am aro/ace spec so really value platonic relationships. jury is still out if I am into romance or just the idea of it lmao

[@durtwerms]

right off the bat, gabe i think youre expectations of a first date might be unreasonably high. if a first date went well isn't that a good sign to keep testing the waters? an immediate burning desire to see someone shouldn't be required to make or break it. dating is about trying to assess compatibility over time. i think you need to practice patience with yourself and potentials and manage expectations when exploring new connections.

[@IvyCheang]

Agreed. I feel like a first date passes long as you enjoy chatting with the person. You might not be attracted off the bat, but sometimes attraction grows. If third date and you still aren't very interested in them, then yeah stop it there. Might even make a friend that way.

[@Bee-qm7rd]

Love this topic and you guys always share interesting perspectives & insights!👏🏻 Btw, Gabe we want the tea, what happened with Alex? 😢

[@JustBetweenUs]

no tea! still very close, just not right for right now

[@soccercool13]

Allison gives such good advice ❤❤

[@jaineechampa3368]

all of my relationships including failed ones have been great and mostly happy and conflict free. It is absolutely possible but also you kinda need to lean into it. Some people accidentally like the chaos of frequent fights. If thats not you then it's absolutely achievable. ❤

[@JustBetweenUs]

I hate fights!!! I'm always just like chill and some people don't like that! -g

[@jaineechampa3368]

Maybe you're attracted to people who like fights??😂

[@rowanketcheson]

totally unrelated but im obsessed with Gabe's christopher moltisanti shirt

[@eimearmckenna9685]

Taking a moment to say, Gabe is so handsome, my god. Alison you are a goddess as always x

[@mayakinnaman5096]

As an ace (slightly aro) girl who has been dating my partner for a little over year now, it really struck me how similar dating can be to friendship. We grow up thinking that romance is a "spark" and "you just know," but thinking about how people purposefully make friends can lay out a to do list for you! Making friends is all about learning, you meet someone and realize you both like a certain hobby, slowly understanding if/how you want them to be in your life as you both go through things (taking into account distance, availability, similarities, etc.). Dating my partner has been the same way for me. There was kind of a omg I have a massive crush moment, but it's helpful to analyze how you would go out to make friends (the steps you may take) and apply that to dating -- like what is acceptable for you for activities/closeness/intimacy and at what stages. I hope this makes sense :)

[@lydianmode7]

omg yeah I think gabe is right about looking out for people who always/only tell stories in which they are the victim

[@oremukihss]

You can find that person/people Gabe! But it can fucking suck as you slog through other people to do it. Very unlikely to know if it's right day 1, but as long as you want to see them again and have fun with them and they're not full of red flags... keep seeing them. The only thing that makes a long term relationship is time 🤷‍♀ Ditto everything Allison said, she gave some excellent advice.

[@dawnschoonover662]

As someone just recently getting back into dating, so much of the early stages are just weeding people out. Like we don't have to have fireworks or have amazing chemistry yet, I need to know you want kids, are left, and support womens rights. I think focusing on liking the person (the chemistry and physical/sexual attraction) can be really distracting because then you find out they have red flags but you already like them so you make excuses.

[@amandabanana1243]

I feel like I just watched their therapy session

[@clubvalt]

Polyamorous and single 😭

[@Wofie96]

Gabe is me. I am Gabe. Approaching 30 and feel I'll be single for eternity.

[@isabellatilley2322]

i love allison

[@caleighrosebud]

After getting out of a decade long abusive relationship, I was afraid of dating, of not being ready. I don’t think I actually was ready but I wanted to be. It worked out though! I ended up meeting my partner at a queer picnic (what a meet cute lol) and we’ve had a lot to work through because we’ve both been through a lot. We were both scared of how fast we got together and took some space to ourselves before we continued the relationship. And now we live together. It’s hard though bc once you’re in a relationship, you’re treated as a unit. Friends don’t wanna hang out one on one anymore bc they’re also focusing on their relationships. That’s something we’re both struggling with now. We need more people.

[@Hemioles]

What other perspective could there be, it's History... I don't think I agree on this one haha ! Loved the vid 🎉❤

[@elaine378]

Me as an Irish person going into this intro 🧍‍♀️

[@Tigress2323]

Yay!!! 1:01am viewing party here we goooo 🎉😶‍🌫️🤪

[@Beautyinthebreakdown.]

These two always seem mad at eachother 😂 😅 you see the love.. maybe they are so close it’s more like siblings now..

[@life.of.cj.]

💕💕💕

[@PimPimentel]

Wait so are Gabe and Alix not together anymore? Didn't Bad With Money just release an episode where Alix was addressed as Gabe's boyfriend?

[@zoeysealey3045]

I think “the one” even for monogamous people is a harmful notion. Nobody can be everything for one person, when I think about my partner, I can be there everything which is where friends, etc. come in. I also felt meh about them on our first date (they love that) but I went on another date and the third is really when I was loke… oh ok… typically people I felt insane chemistry with immediately crashed and burned quickly rather than the slow burn I feel with my now partner- you got this! Try the two date rule, I felt exactly what youre talking about before

[@Bigwave2003]

How did Allison get Danny Bonaduce on her show?

[@deaf-tomcat]

damn..."what is your goal in dating" i think I also have the problem of feeling i'm gonna waste people's time by dating them. idk.

[@AustinTisdale-qu9fj]

Hey Gabe. Just want you to know that you are lovable! And what you want is feasible. Date yourself as well and that will help you be attracted to healthy people!

[@SSM654]

Woof.

[@grmgt]

Tysm for being in the right side of history 🍉

[@heikothedwarf]

this video title is great because I have no idea if it's going to be sarcastic or not

[@neevelevi806]

lol

[@Jman64110]

Long story short, dating sucks😅

[@KF8OD1]

People make it so complicated, do you love me or not!

[@solvseus]

Pro-tip: if you sign up for one of those dating websites, don't put that you like to try new things on your profile. I was thinking, like, try a new type of food or walk through a Japanese garden. To the internet, that means something else. Not that I want to kink shame, but you really have to ask before you do that.

[@aperson3800]

These were some relatbale nuggets😅 I also feel jaded and confused on how to healthfully attract and date🫠🫣