Realizing You Are Trans As An Adult

Gabe answers a listener's question about transitioning as an adult and talks about how they came to their gender later in life.
Transcript: docs.google.co...
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[@Tentatively_Rhian]

im 36 and never thought about being trans. i have two degrees in philosophy and am steeped in feminist and sexual ethics, etc. A week ago it hit me that im non binary. Then I was reading about it and realized it is under the trans umbrella. That made me happy. I always felt an affinity with the trans movement and love the trans flag. I've been crying a lot. In a good way. If I had been born in gen z, I am pretty sure I would realized much sooner. Wish I had the chance to try puberty blockers. But I know anyone can come out at any age! Thanks for the content!

[@saggguy7]

re: dysphoria starting (or becoming more pronounced) in your 20s - someone once said to me that “girl”+”boy” are actually two different genders from “man”+”woman” and that really put a lot of my life in perspective. gendered social roles, expectations, associated sex characteristics, etc. are completely different depending on age. when i was little describing myself as a girl felt completely fine and made sense to me. the biggest difference between boys and girls, in my mind, was the kinds of clothes we liked to wear and the things we played with. and i liked “girl” things, so i never questioned it. but growing in to a woman was never something i could picture for myself. the hardcore, overt trans feelings didn’t hit me until my early 20s when i truly could not get away with being just a “girl” anymore.

[@Teajay21]

oh boy this something to think about as someone who still feels a bit weird as woman, but mostly liked being a girl.

[@starlightbright]

This was a huge lightbulb moment for me as well

[@isabellakoch5564]

This is so interesting bc I didn't like (just always felt slightly like I wasn't doing it right) being a "girl" but I love being a woman! It's interesting bc in the convo about kids transitioning we might not be acknowledging how much puberty/age plays a role in your comfort with your gender. If I had transitioned at 12 I never would have become a woman. How much of life is experiencing discomfort to get to something we love vs immediately avoiding a problem but maybe missing out on something down the line. How do you listen to your kids and make sure you're encouraging them to be their true selves while being also sure that you don't jump the gun on decision making and take something in their future from them accidentally. Hard questions!!

[@ReeIndeed]

this is SO true. i'm a (kinda) closeted transmasc and i always thought my dysphoria was purely physical but now that i'm going into my 20s and starting to get Really treated as a “woman” social dysphoria is starting to mess with me big time. and i rarely see people talk about that, which is weird!

[@TheBlahblehblah15]

"girl" and "boy" are not different genders than "woman" or "man". that is p***philic. please, i am begging you to not go down this hole

[@SpookyStag2015]

"I was fine, but I could have been great." This is why we need more conversations about gender euphoria! Everyone is always focused on dysphoria that no one pays attention to the happiness we can experience when expressing our true selves! Thanks Gabe and Allison (and the puppies!!)

[@swans184]

I like to describe it as trying on glasses for the first time. Like "wow, this feels so much *better!*"

[@stuartcarden1371]

It's never too late. My mum has a patient who has come out as a trans woman in her 80s - Fully on 50 year marriage and kids as a cis male but it was her time. I just hope she wasn't suffering and still had joy in her life pre-transitioning.

[@mehzurilo]

as 28 yo trans-woman, i definitely had signs growing up, but i hate that every time we lgbtq+ people have to explain stuff to cis-heteronormative socialized people (which includes a bunch of us lgbtq+ as well) we have to put in their terms and think of how will they understand easier. I wasn't born in the wrong body, i just am extremely unhappy with how my body turned out since it does not reflect how I want to look. I think Abigail Thorne put it best when she said something along the lines of "hair-loss prevention is dysphoria treatment". you don't have to be trans to feel dysphoria and you don't need to be trans to look for ways to improve your feelings about your body. stay safe yall

[@rachelbohling4774]

What an incredible point! Thank you for sharing and relaying that quote. ❤

[@Exsangui-nate]

🗣️I was technically fine🗣️ but that held me back🗣️ cause I could've been great 🗣️ Dude I cannot tell how meaningful it is to me having you voice this experience that is so similar to mine 🖤

[@BillyDean93]

I only just realised I’m trans at the age of 29, about to turn 30. One of the reasons it took me so long to figure out is that I never really had the chance to. I grew up in a small town that wasn’t very open minded, I didn’t even know trans people existed until I was in my early 20s. At that point I was still living with my mum, who I had a really rocky relationship with, and I lived with her right up until I was 28, when I finally moved to the city. It was only then that I finally had room to breathe and figure myself out, and that’s when I realised the feeling of being trapped in my body and discomfort with certain body parts and with being referred to as female in any way, all of which I’ve been struggling with since I was a teenager, was gender dysphoria. Then I decided that I need to socially and medically transition so I can finally feel like me and be happy in my body, and I’m still only at the beginning of the journey, but I’m really grateful to finally be here. It’s bittersweet because I’m also really sad that I missed out on so much, and it’s hard not to dwell on that sometimes…but better late than never right?

[@cstrongman]

27, nearly 28, right there with ya

[@bluexecutor6635]

So relatable, I came out on my 24th birthday because I also was surrounded by a conservative society and didn't know about trans folks, but gender dysphoria was with me since puberty even without knowing what gender dysphoria was

[@aki-est]

This is a topic that is very comforting to hear abt, bc I have realized that I am trans in adulthood as well. I am fairly young, and I haven’t pursued transitioning because it would mean losing my family. But hearing about people transitioning later in life makes me feel like maybe someday when I’m older and have a stronger support system outside my family, I will be able to transition, and that I’m not sentenced to a lifetime of dysphoria.

[@clarissathorne-disla]

The ff

[@clarerichardson8770]

You are not sentenced to a lifetime of dysphoria, sweet one. My heart goes out to you. I hope you discover a found family that accepts you for every single thing you are, holds you up, affirms you, and helps lift you out of living in fear of losing the people that raised you. Sometimes the people we find are the people we deserved from the beginning.

[@kairoldancreations]

As a trans man, (and a long time fan of JBU) seeing your experience mirroring my experience has been so validating and healing. Thank you so much. So much of what you are saying are things I think and want to share with the world. Love watching your journey Gabe

[@rebeccanater]

I think theres a misconception that the human experience is permanent. We go through tons of "phases" jobs, schools, living situations, smoking weed, neon hair, etc. Parenthood doesnt begin until later in life, and then you might identify as a mom/dad forever, but you werent always a parent. I dont think its bad to have identified as a woman, and now you identify as a man. We are constantly changing. You woke up a different person than yesterday and will be a different person tomorrow

[@rockandrollfantasy86]

I had dysphoria since I was 4 and voiced it often. But in middle school I became very self-conscious and battled with needing to be a perfect/hot/popular girl. I developed an eating disorder and body image issues. My OCD kicked into high gear and I was tormented by thoughts of being a guy and liking girls. I desperately didn't want to be that, no one else is. I tried every day to convince myself I wasn't like that and that it was gross. It wasn't until my late 20's when I allowed my attraction to women to breathe and just last year I came out as a transguy. So I came out later in life, but it wasn't lack of dysphoria or thoughts about it, it was absolute fear of rejection and social disgust that kept me closeted for decades. When I saw others coming out and when I found out my insurance would pay, it seemed like the closet door was finally creeping open and I felt more pain staying in there than leaving.

[@pandahuggerAK]

I knew I was trans as a kid, but now as a 24yo my idea of transness and my identity is so different than it used to be. People change throughout their lives! I started my transition thinking there was only men and women; neither of those felt right to me but “man” felt less wrong so I went with that. When I found out there were other genders outside of the binary I was so relieved lol. I’ve had top surgery and been on T for almost 5 years now and I LOVE looking masculine! But I’m not a man! My beard is full and my voice is deep and I am nonbinary; and those facts make me so fucking happy. My labels have changed DOZENS of times before, maybe they’ll change again, but I really think that’s the beauty of transition. We as trans people have so many different experiences with gender and sexuality and I really believe those experiences make us more open, understanding, and compassionate people. Love you both! 🥰

[@ineffablemars]

damn. I relate to gabe so much. like their experience is basically mine to a T (as a guy that had a lot of "Signs" as a child but didn't realize until like 26)

[@kohlinoor]

I'm glad we're talking making big life changes later in life (or behind the expected timeline) because it's such a silent, yet quite universal, struggle. It's so important to give yourself the time and space (and patience/kindness) to reflect/heal/process at your own pace, whatever your own personal challenges may be. It's ok to not have had the tools, awareness and/or environment to have figured things out right away! As long as we have the grace and courage to allow ourselves to transform when the time is right, we've done our best.

[@heyitssho]

The intro 😂😂 Gabe, thank you so much for speaking to this. I’m also a longtime viewer of you two since buzzfuzz and I’m also an older trans guy at 33. I also figured out I was trans around age 30 and sometimes feel like I missed out on boyhood. I am 3+ years on T now and life does get SO much better!!! Happy to be a part of the trans community with you, Gabe ❤ And Allison, you are hilarious, always such a delight to watch, and I deeply admire how you’ve been so open with talking about mental health (I’m a therapist!) ☺️

[@inescostanr1]

Sorry to bother you but this is a topic that confuses me and I'd like to hear the opinion of someone with your experience. I've had dreams that I was male ever since I was a child and still do even though I mostly have dreams where I am a female. I am masculine minded but I actually like my body and like dressing feminine and masculine, depending on the day. I am not entirely sure if changing my body would actually make me feel any different and thinking about it gives me anxiety and scares me. What current medicine has to offer does not seem to be incentive enough for me to change as well as dealing with the dysphoria that I would feel while transitioning (when I dream I have a penis but a female body I have huge dysphoria in dreams, I only feel normal with a cis male and cis female body in dreams, not a mixture of sexual characteristics). The societal, current relationship, etc consequences seem too bothersome to deal with. I would also like to carry and breastfeed children in the future. Does my experience resonate with you? I'd like some guidance as I am quite confused. Edit: I'm 27 atm and discussed this with my therapist for the first time yesterday. She told me it makes no sense to have procedures done unless this causes me actual suffering and not just confusion from time to time which actually resonated with what I used to think and made sense to me. It calmed me down and validated what I would prefer to do due to not having to struggle with everything I mentioned before. This video confused me again though

[@rivbirds]

The shocked faces TWICE in the intro! I love u guys!

[@cicilyhernandez]

I’m a gay trans man and I’m just now coming to terms with that and trying to start my transition. I’m petrified and found this video by literally searching “coming out as trans as an adult” I haven’t changed my pronouns or came out to anyone besides my therapist, so making this comment and watching this video feels. Surreal. It is possible to have the life I always wanted. I don’t know how I’m going to navigate the rest of the way. But I’m going to have to start after watching this. I know I need to now. Thank you.

[@jakemontanaro9072]

The INTRO 😂😂😂😂 I watched it six times to watch your faces when gabe almost misspoke 😂😂

[@catt021]

Ya know Gabe, it was actually YOU and your content that helped me accept that I was bi. 🙂 And this was AFTER I was married for several years (and nearly 30). When you're raised in a cis-het world, it can be hard to connect the dots on your own. It's so easy to explain things away or justify them in your head. And as a result, lots of us are figuring stuff out only now. But that's okay! Better late than never. I'm glad you've gotten to where you are on your journey, and I just want to thank you for helping me to get to where I am on my own. It really made a difference! (Also, hi Allison ❤)

[@paigemarysmith]

I love that the couch videos are back. Please keep posting them! I love the topic format and it is very comforting to see the dogs while listening to difficult topics haha

[@nataliek5219]

The dog is stealing the show, I swear. I need to file a complaint.

[@KrustyFrank27]

And now I’m crying. I’m really happy for Gabe, but it breaks my heart so much to hear his disappointment and regret. It makes so much sense to me. Much love to both of you!

[@insertnamehere1867]

Really appreciate what Gabe said about being great instead of just fine. When I was first questioning my gender, I held myself back because I had this view of transness as something anchored in a deep pain around your body- I even remember reading an article where someone described questioning their gender and then said, "trans people cry at the thought of their bodies, and I've never done that so I guess I can't be trans." I internalized this idea, fearing that by identifying as anything other than what I was assigned at birth, I was in some way appropriating transness from "the real trans people" who actually suffer. And then when I started looking into how trans people describe themselves and their genders to other trans people, I learned that not only is it extremely common for trans people to feel this way, but the idea that all trans people feel the same way about their bodies and their childhoods is simply not true at all. We only have one life- why waste time not living the way that feels the most right to us because we may not hit some imagined standard for how miserable we were before? Very cool to find your content years and years ago and identify with Gabe's discussions of bisexuality, and then rediscover it later and realize that we have this in common as well. Sending support and appreciation for discussing these things so frankly!

[@ik853]

That was a super interesting episode. To also contribute a little thought to the discussion myself: All the stereotypes like girls play with dolls and boys like to climb trees are quite flawed anyway because at the end of the day every person every child should just do what they enjoy and that has no bearing on how they need to identify. For example, I identify myself as a woman but hell yes I liked climbing trees but also playing with dolls as a child. Maybe by having "atypical" preferences earlier on in life one has already questioned and challenged these gender roles, but a statement like "boys shouldn't play with dolls" is still wrong in my opinion.

[@RantsAndReviews1]

Gabe I haven’t watched this channel in 6 years. You’re fucking killing it. I’m so glad I saw you all pop back up on my feed

[@OceanFoam]

i needed to hear this today. so badly. thank you so much. I also was "fine" (lol) but could have been great. cheers to me and you and everyone else out there on the recovery journey towards their most authentic self

[@maxwellmonroe8444]

Thank you, Gabe! I've been following both of your journeys for a long time now and I was so happy to see you start to explore your transness! Can't wait to see you find out all the things that give you gender euphoria. 💕

[@ChrissiX]

I transitioned at 50. I convinced myself my Dysphoria was anything/everything else. Even when I hired/managed a transwoman at age 39 and was closely exposed to trans identity, I had zero idea. To be honest, I'm not sure I really believed Dysphoria was a thing until after beginning hormones and finally feeling like a normal human being.

[@jackiedever3835]

So much of this feels parallel to me as someone who recognized her asexual/aromantic spectrum identities and specific neurotype in her midthirties. Super relatable and beautiful. Thanks for sharing with us, Gabe! I’ve enjoyed your work for years, and it’s awesome to see you continuing to explore new truths about self!

[@claraboe2755]

Oooof i relate to the cringing when being adressed as one of the ladies... tbh i first thought it was a thing about not wanting to be an adult but now that i know im nonbinary i can see that sign in retrospect

[@krystal_senem]

also you have a similar posting schedule with hot ones and every week im debating which one to watch first when the episodes drop! and so far you are winning :P

[@anniebauer27]

I'm so happy for Gabe for coming out. Every time a trans person is authentically themselves it feels like a gift. It's beautiful to see someone bloom as the person they truly are.

[@yayab1rd]

I have been so used to Gabe completely changing their style regularly that them coming out as Trans and dressing masc just clicked for me as another Gabe change. I acknowledge your new indentity completely, but you're still the smart, empathetic, hilarious creative we've always known! Can't wait to see how Gabe's style evolves next (og JBU fans will always be rooting for a purple hair comeback)!

[@butanoverture]

This video gave me so much comfort as an older trans person still figuring things out. Thanks, Gabe. 💜

[@j.t.rhoads7658]

This is how I feel as a non-binary person. For years I thought my feelings of not fitting into gender roles was because I was gay but after ten years of being out now of interacting with other gay men I’ve realized that I’m not a man because I still felt this way even around other queer men who ignored gender roles and still were confident as men. I’ve only recently started using “they/them” pronouns after a few years of using “he/they” because I felt like I don’t “look” non-binary so I need to use my old pronouns idk it’s different for everyone

[@ahhh4117]

Honestly a lot of us hold our own selves back for a time, bc we have these ideas about "am I x enough to say im v" "I don't do y so I must not be z" When in actuality u might have that experience, or a version of it, but ur looking at it unobjectively with the perspective about yourself someone else taught you Which is why I thought I was a woman for a very long time

[@SageIceDragonX]

When I did a psychology project on LGBTQIA+ adolescence and went through statistics, the average age for transgender children understanding they are different is 4 years old. FOUR. Thats a huge difference between that and gay people which average about 12ish years old and bisexuals which realize on average of 15 years old. Now depending on your household, you may not realize that is what it is until much later because you just dont have the words or an explanation for some of the things you are experiencing. I know I didnt until I was at least 17-18 years old that I was bisexual. I didnt even know that was an option until my first boyfriend talked to me about it (he was very sex positive). But I did nothing about it until I was in my early 30s and decided to start dating women after over a decade of dating men. I wish I had tried earlier, but at this point you just got to accept what happened and move on. I hear so often people who I know admit they are likely bisexual say the same thing, "Its too late now. I cant do anything about it. Its fine." No its not fine. You are denying a section of yourself that is there. Im not saying nuke your marraige tomorrow, but you should have a conversation with our significant other if you think they would be open to talking about it. See where the conversation goes and figure out what you want to do from there. You can still acknowledge yourself and your experiences without destroying what you have. Also the whole gay trans man thing, I didnt understand that was a thing either until maybe 8 years ago? I knew someone third hand from a boyfriend that was a man who transitioned into a woman, but they still liked women, which means they were a transgender lesbian. At the time, I thought that was very strange because I didnt have an explanation for it. I just didnt get it. Now I get it and I dont question it. It just took me a bit more time to understand it. But the difference is...I actually want to understand it. Some of these asshole transphobes dont.

[@Greenhouseghost7]

I think another reason why some cis people love the “I knew since I was a child” storyline is because it reinforces the gender binary in a way they can understand like by saying “I didn’t like trucks I liked dresses” it appeals to their black and white way of thinking about gender. when in reality gender for a lot of people is more about figuring out what feels right no matter what “side” society says it should be on. that’s why it takes longer for some of us because we’re figuring out what feels right and what doesn’t it’s not as black and white as some cis people believe

[@AlicePRabbits]

I’m a 63 year old cis woman. Growing up gender was black or white. I now work at an LGBTQ organization and have a trans sister. I’ve learned so much and have mad respect for the community!

[@clarerichardson8770]

Thank you guys so much for talking about this. ❤ My husband is trans and came out to me about a week before our wedding five years ago. It was not unexpected, but it was life-changing. He often talks about being an "elder trans" (we both turned 40 this year) like Gabe talks about at the beginning of this video. It IS rare and I am SO proud of him for reaching a milestone like his 40th year, and I'm so proud of him for embracing who he is and sharing that with everyone in spite of its huge challenges. He also finds it tough because cis folks always expect gender-affirming care to be some kind of glow-up, if that makes sense? He cracks jokes about how transitioning late in life means he never got the chance to be "college cute" and he just drove right off the cliff into "middle-aged, gross, losing hair, beer belly." (He's lying, btw, he's the cutest fucking guy on the planet.) But it does illustrate that transitioning later in life is not always the most beautiful or flattering process, you know? It's rough for people. You don't even have the benefit of our culture's obsession with "youth=beauty" on your side to help "validate" what you're doing.

[@jamierogers1898]

As someone who also transitioned in their thirties, I feel this so hard. As Gabe said, there just were no positive trans male role models like 10-20 years ago. I wasn't a kid who was ever really outspoken about my gender, but still always felt wrong/alien in some way. But I never thought I could be trans until recently, because I didn't follow that one narrow representation of what being a trans man was like. And that was "bad" anyway, so why would I even draw those connections if I didn't have to. Obviously, I've had to work through some internalized transphobia. But Gabe is right, even though being trans is hard in it's own way, I feel so great in my own body now. It's so much better than what I was doing before, which was taking the easy way out and being "fine."

[@ailishburden2333]

I’ve loved being able to follow Gabe’s journey online! I remember where I was when I first heard them say they were thinking about going on testosterone. And I was like oh fuck that’s something I could do too and it scared me. But eventually I did start :)

[@XxJaidNightsxX]

I am turning 30 this year and only recently started coming out as Non-binary to my friends and i have been met with so much support and love. But i am still terrified to come out to my mom. To her I'm still a daughter. But i just wanna be her child. I dont know how to tell her without her saying "well you would have known sooner." but after seeing this explanation from Gabe i think I can explain it a bit better to her.

[@parurushi]

I hope things go well with your mom!

[@acissej821]

I’m so happy seeing my friends at this time in our life exploring their gender and seeing people make changes to live their best life! Thank you for sharing this!

[@JenniferRae84]

Omg, this just made me so happy! I haven’t seen y’all in a while and I have also come out as trans as an older adult. So much of your message resonates with me and I appreciate your perspective. Thank you for sharing 💙

[@alrc]

Totally agree about the trans community and the childhood narrative. Yes I happen to be trans and I have known on some level deep down since I was a kid. But I hate that it’s become a ‘thing’ it’s so exclusionary to any trans people who don’t have the same experience. There isn’t any gold star standard on being trans. Knowing sooner rather than later isn’t better or worse. Your journey is personal and unique and valid! 🥰

[@Ypsiroselee]

I’m 58, I transitioned to womanhood when I was 38 (2003). I have plenty of silver highlights! I knew I was a girl when I was 4-5 yo, but my fellow kids beat telling anyone out of me. I nearly shut myself down. I wish I had transitioned in the 80s, but I was scared to death. I made sure I had open minded friends, and I finally found the courage. Never looked back. I’m a butch, hippy chick, and loving it.

[@eloisecartwright7987]

this is what I'm going through now, this video means so much , as someone who is a gay trans man and likes stereotypical girly things like hello kitty , glam and other things it was so confusing but realising that gender and what you like is different is so important

[@tessac775]

I think a lot of straight/cis people (and even some queer people!) find it really difficult to conceive of a level of internal “not-knowing” that can let you live decades without understanding your sexuality and gender. But our brains are excellent and finding the path of least resistance - it certainly has been my experience that the part of me that was terrified about what it meant to be queer had smothered out all the signals and just let me believe I was straight instead of having to reckon with myself. And that ended up causing a different kind of pain, of course, but I’m working on it! We all come to these things in our own time. Love you, Gabe! Thank u for sharing, as always ❤

[@ePai9e]

this is all hitting hard for me - i'm at the beginning of the journey and i'm 29. thank you for this.

[@jag519]

"probably non binary but I couldnt do that now. I'm fine now" Wow, mood

[@Edgea22]

So I used to watch this channel back in the day and this video just popped up. I really had to pause for a moment. Gabe's not blonde anymore! But glad they are comfortable with themself.

[@FernLovebond]

As someone who still doesn't know if I "count as trans" or what, and who is now level 47 human (I hate the term "years old"), I get the whole "looking back, I think I missed some opportunities" and "I don't want to bother transitioning now" things. I struggle to explain myself to anyone, and resist forcing myself into a role or conforming to a category. I just know that all my life I've felt alienated from what society tells me is "manly" or "masculine", but I really don't fit into "female" either. Nonbinary is fine, I can accept that because it's so generic, but I find less and less value in fitting into a proscribed circle of association. People can call me "part of the Alphabet Mafia/community" or "just an ally", whatever. I don't care anymore. I'm just trying to figure out what I want to do with how I feel, and that's a really nebulous thing right now. So this video? This feels good, it feels kind and it helps me. I really appreciate your articulation of the transitioning process you've gone through. That "how you feel right now" part is so kind, so accepting, and I am grateful you helped me see that. Thank you.

[@lauramoore8823]

auuuughhhh, I was out as NB back in college (literally a decade ago, yikes), but slowly meandered my way back into the closet when I was working and then all my friends were from work and now it's a fkin decade later and I am fine, with a husband who loves me and a kid and a tiny little town. But I could be great.

[@SawyerMartoglio]

As someone who realized in teenhood it’s so interesting to hear this. Thank you for sharing

[@existentialdemo]

i really enjoyed this video. i didn't realize trans men could enjoy wearing makeup until gottmik. ironically, i don't question it when cis men wear makeup, but i still considered the fact I like makeup as evidence I wasn't trans. lowkey, I have major dysphoria, and prob am trans, but I am still kind of in denial about it. Seeing gottmik was a lightbulb moment because the artistry of makeup can exist separately from identity.

[@dieutombe]

I had feelings about my body starting around 12 that I connect with being trans, but didn't put the piece together until around 30 and I ended up still waiting years to come out and start medical stuff just because it felt too late and too hard, but I'm very glad I got over the fears.

[@jannarae8082]

holy crap! i havent been on here in a looong time! Congrats on your transition Gabe!

[@neuralmute]

I can tell you as a 45 yr. old trans masc enby that if I'd had the kind of access to information and the social acceptance when I was 14, I'd have known that I was non-binary right away back then. But that wasn't possible back in the early 90's. I've had dysphoria around my reproductive system ever since puberty, as well as problems with female social roles, but I just figured that I was a staunch feminist who was resisting toxic gender roles. Now I've been making the slow move from genderfluid, to nonbinary, to trans masc. And I'm finally starting to like parts of myself that I'd never liked before. It is weird, being an "elder" even though I'm still fairly new to being trans, but I hope the lines in my face and the few greys in my hair can make some kids out there feel like they've got a future!

[@emrys7168]

OK, I'm really late to this, but it's *so* good to hear from folk who didn't have that "known since I was 4" story about their transness. For context, I grew up in the 80s/90s in the UK, with Section 28 and just no information or language to even think about my gender. I too found that shielding during the pandemic let me look at myself and my life and realise that while I didn't hate being in girl mode, it was fun to explore other modes while my life was on pause. And then I found that being in boy mode felt absolutely *amazing*, so that's what I'm doing now. I was 42 when I first came out as non-binary, am now 46 and four months on T. I am loving the changes in my body and how they change how the outside world treats me. Just being called "mate" instead of "love" feels so damn good. I didn't hate being a woman (although I have been clinically depressed for more than half my life, so who knows?) but I really, really love being a man. I wish that were enough of an explanation for everyone.

[@ddaannii7]

So glad to have you back on KZbin. Love you guys ❤

[@ycam1127]

Seeing Gabe at this state, makes me feel I'm looking at an adolescent young man with the experience of a young woman. Which I think gives him a fascinating perspective. This video is a little old so you may not see this Gabe, but I hope you enjoy your transition as the adolescence you missed with the added benefit of understanding the opposite gender.

[@Cowboydjrobot]

I think even a lot of cis men have feelings of missing out on certain traditional boyhood or young man experiences. So if you feel like you missed out on those, know that you aren’t alone. And there isn’t one single definitive childhood. You aren’t any less valid because you didn’t have a particular experience

[@COREcasual]

I live in Oklahoma. People tend to be... less than open minded here. I picked up my kids from school today and my 10yo daughter basically explained that someone at school told her that there are some boys that dress like girls and vice versa. She asked if that was true and I did my best to explain gender dysphoria in terms she could understand.. but I spent much more time explaining what empathy means.

[@parurushi]

I'm in my late 20's and for a while I've been wondering if I'm trans or non-binary, being referred to as a woman just feels so wrong, most of the time I don't mind being called a girl or referred to as miss, but woman and lady just make me :/ so Gabe sharing experiencing something similar resonated with me. And I live in a non english-speaking country where the language is gendered so I have to talk about myself with feminine pronouns, descriptors or what not which a lot of the times doesn't really feel great. But then there are times when I look at myself like yeah........ she is THAT girl and feel more than perfectly fine. And these are feelings that started coming up occasionally since before the pandemic but deifinitely grew stronger/became more frequent post-lockdown which makes me wonder, like, is "what if I'm trans" something cis people tend to ponder on for years??????? This comment was longer than I intended but I haven't really shared this with other people so it was nice to actually let it out ;; Need to add that in recent years my mother has been falling for rethoric that veers into t*rf territory so it's like......... maybe better to just not think much about it than thinking about it and potentially coming to a conclusion that I would either have to actively hide, or if I share it it could lead to rejection

[@ahhh4117]

I think one one of the hardest parts of questioning is that in our society we're so used to white knuckling, pushing through life like "this works, what I'm doing is working it's fine" as opposed to "would allowing myself to be something else make me happier?"

[@kenzgitz9884]

I feel the same way as you about gendered terms now that I'm in my early twenties. Though I guess I started asking myself why I was more comfortable presenting as masculine than feminine in college. Obviously gender identity is separate from gender expression and having sensory processing disorder makes it hard to suss out why I'm more comfortable in masculine clothes but I feel happier expressing a more androgynous gender.

[@jimkragelund7517]

I am 52 y/0 started transitioning 2 yrs ago

[@sonnentausnest]

As a 43 y/o pre-transition... thank you for sharing.

[@twistedmind3323]

I'm a trans man who almost came out at 16 but went back until the closet until I came out as non-binary at 21 then as a trans guy at 24, and I don't know if I'd do it differently. Yeah, it mightve been nice to get to start T earlier, but I had a pretty early first puberty, so very little chance puberty blockers could've been used in time, and medically transitioning as an adult meant I could do it in a different city and state than the one I grew up in, with resources for LGBT right by me versus an hour away. I used to sometimes wonder what if I went on T as a teenager, but I also would have had very little support and might've felt a need to be a more stereotypically masculine man than I really am. Plus, I had extra time to research surgeries and figure out what I need to ease my dysphoria.

[@priscilam.9808]

I'm actually 41. I came out at work when I was gonna have to wear a dress as an uniform. I work for a 5 star hotel. Now I work wearing the men's uniform. However I think I'm far too late in life to get hormones and surgeries. I honestly don't have the best health which weighs a lot in my decision. I wear men's clothes and I try to live my best life. It is really tough to be an older trans person. No one talked about it in the 80s when I was a kid.

[@jasmint3207]

I'm glad you managed to speak up and can now wear what is comfortable for you. But it pisses me off that you even had to come out for that. Why would anyone have to wear skirts to WORK in? Or at all?? I get uniforms for staff but they need to be practical! Same goes for high heels. For fun, sure, but not for work. I think everybody should be able to choose items for their uniform that fit them and feel comfortable. Same with suits when it's hot. Just let everybody be comfortable while wearing company colors.

[@wellkamn3138]

so true i saw lou sullivan talk abt that. gender clinics told him he couldn’t be trans and a gay man refused him treatment for it.

[@Aly5sa28]

Fr though, changing my pronouns and coming out and starting t and changing my name all seemed completely impossible. Good reminder about how far ive come while i wait for everything I'm being impatient about, ao thanks.

[@kaylacovers970]

Thank for existing, Gabe! You always have such important and valuable conversations. Glad to hear you are great 😊

[@graycelowe7641]

i love the way your voice is coming along Gabe 💜 as a facilitator for a couple of transgender support groups i see a lot of people that come to full realization later in life. i think its a real mileage may very situation. there are sooOOoo many ways to transition and we just have to do whats right for ourselves. i am never happy about a gatekeeping attitude that can come from comparing ourselves. i agree with the thought that we are always trans enough no matter how many outside indicators are when we transition.

[@Emelineeeeeee]

Having been going to a trans support group for a while, it’s literally never too late. There have been people in their 50s 60s 70s 80s you name it. Some people who are just realizing who they are for the first time, some people who have known as long as they can remember but kept it inside until recently. It’s never too late to be your true self

[@acree2]

is it weird that i could see myself transitioning later in life but don’t want it right now? cuz like i definitely used to have thoughts like “i just wish i was a gay man” back when i was a confused lil kid. i am enjoying my femininity and and being bi and queer and poly right now but i feel like down the line i might want to explore the gender stuff more

[@emptythecan3793]

it's not weird, that sounds cool!

[@johnlipsey5986]

You are so on point.

[@CTA--]

Omg ive been subbed for sooooo long yall have gone through so many transformations and ive loved all ur eras

[@eemiaa10]

As a non-binary adult who is still figuring out how far I want to transition, this was very helpful. Thank you. ❤

[@davidbezer5011]

I'm in same position

[@Girlfin]

Such a great video. Also I cannot with these doggos.

[@wolfwoman2241]

the focus on gender euphoria is amazing!!!!! There was so much shame around my facial hair as an afab (i guess maybe i have high T and just a obvious stache) that i couldnt let myself fucking enjoy having it til recently. thank fuck for a supportive n pansexual partner

[@haileystatler4418]

So happy and proud of you Gabe!

[@ryno1509]

Gabe honey 34 or not you won’t miss out on your boyhood it’s been delayed but you’ll have a new puberty and it will be glorious just watch out for the awkward stage

[@Charlotte-fd7xp]

This video is amazing. Having a complete gender crisis rn it is exactly and everything I needed to hear!

[@Mani-pi3ou]

I appreciate you both and am so proud to see your journeys.

[@Teajay21]

Phew Gabe, I really needed to hear this as an early 30s person who has been thinking that I might be nonbinary but I'm also just... fine as I am? Like I think it might be more me, but is it worth it to do anything about it when I'm ok?

[@Kbwtor19]

I found it easier to realize my trans nature at age 30 once I realized I wasn't doing fine. Being a man, or at least what my father taught me was a man, made me a danger to myself and to others, regardless of gender. A lot of that was rooted in the harmful roles expected of a "man" as it is commonly defined. I was taught that I *HAVE* to hate women and LGBT people of any stripe. Then one day after getting a lot of help from those I love the most, I realized I didn't need to play on Team Hate anymore. It took years of effort, and I'm not always perfect about it, but I do acknowledge today that I am a trans nonbinary person who for many years was stuck in a problematic rut. We all come to the realization in our own way.

[@Kbwtor19]

At the time I reached the realization, I was already used to being alienated for other reasons, such as neurodivergence and race, for a long time. There came a moment when I realized there was nothing left to lose by dropping the dehumanizing pretense of this whole man thing. They could always tell I wasn't like them.

[@cariiinen]

Loved this. Thank you for sharing, Gabe!

[@claudiajade624]

Also yes at 30 you are a fully grown adult...but you will likely live until at least 60, and mayb 70, or 80 (or 90!). So you have at least as long again to live, and likely More. Missing out on the teenage and 20s really sucks, but you have the whole Rest of your Life to potentially live as your authentic self

[@bearpuns_]

The simultaneous look when Gabe said “I’m Gab-“ 😂😩

[@rebekahpeytonmusic]

This ep...is everything. Thank you Gabe ❤

[@frangg23]

2017 was a weird time for queer people realizing the possibilities of queerness. I remember RuPaul's Drag Race queens making long-winded KZbin series about trying to understand trans or nonbinary people, and you could argue it's a bit weird THEY weren't exposed to those concepts, but that's where a lot of us were.

[@KarolaTea]

When you're young you can still plan your life. You can plan to move to a place and get a career that's safe for trans people. Or transition between schools and be stealth most of your life. When you're older and have already settled into a place and career that's maybe not guaranteed to be safe, and you're 'fine', you have to consider if potentially uprooting and risking your financial security, job satisfaction and general life will be worth the gender euphoria you might get in return. Probably not the reason to maybe not come out for all trans adults, but some.

[@naomiwaldron507]

Gabe and Allison are the best 💕💕

[@boredomsentmehere]

I have yet to finish the video and comment on the content but you both look so good in this!!

[@lovebsbthelwordbarca]

His new voiceeeeeee❤

[@henrysansone5501]

OMG - the gay trans man thing is SO real. I am a gay trans man, and the people I meet who are routinely shocked by this (even though that we have existed forever) continues to be eye opening for me. It's so funny because I don't think I personally know any trans men who AREN'T some flavor of queer. But that stereotype, which I think comes from a history of needing to present as heterosexual to access trans healthcare (well into the 90s I might add!), persists hard. Check out Lou Sullivan if this topic interests you! And if you are looking for some elder trans men, check out Kylar Broadus and Jamison Green.

[@rachelbohling4774]

Sweetie! Baby! Angel! Sending you huge love Gabe. 💖

[@JohnGottschalk]

1. In Albania there's a tradition of trans men, they just aren't qualified as that, look up burrnesha if you didn't know already. A bit unfortunate for them that they also were sworn to celibacy. Very interesting to look up if you want to see older trans men though! 2. The history of radical feminism in the US I think lead to more of a butch culture inside the lesbian community as their expression of gender rather than being trans as an option for gender identity. At that time there were a lot of TERFs, and trans was seen by TERFS as a way people tried to avoid being homosexual and adjust themselves to societal or patriarchal expectations by taking on the gender that was acceptable at the time for the sexuality, rather than primarily as a gender identity. Of course this perspective was a misrepresentation of the full range of trans experience, but it may have had some grounding in people's real experience (I recommend Snap Judgement's episode Jorge, Gina y Dante where a young trans man talks to an older gay man who previously lived as a trans woman). [Also just coming off of reading The Female Man and trying to understand why radical feminists like Joanna Russ espoused such trans-exclusionary ideas.]

[@christinemartin7819]

I watched you both on Buzzfeed. I recently saw one of your podcast videos and it took me a couple seconds to realize the transition (I had to go back to old videos). I was more thrown off by your name being Gabe because that's my son's name. I love the name btw! :)

[@sssydneyfree]

all i can say is wow. thank you for this.

[@KamillaMirabelle]

It is so recognizable 🥰 i started my transition as 35 year old.. and just started hormons like 3 month ago.. I did know in many years, for me it was more fear.. I thought my hair line wouldn't change because that was what i was told to expect.. but much of the hair i lost are growing back.. i thought i'll never get breast.. but 3 month in to hormons my daughter says your boobs has grown.. 🥰 i thought i would need a ton of makeup to even have the possibility to passe as a woman.. but i have tried more than once now that people clearly gender me as a woman, on a day where i got up past the time i should have been out of the door.. 😍🎉 I should come with the disclaimer, that i'm the lucky owner of a body which are the height of an average female in the western world.. my shoulders is as weight as a weight shouldered females.. my shoe size are a little below the average of females.. and i can fit a big small/medium in most cloth.. so.. beside my face, there is not much to tell that i'm not.. so i got a disadvanced in contrast to most..

[@claireedelman5414]

Thank you so much for sharing!

[@MattyKiel]

I resonate with this so much! Thank you!

[@downtomarsaudio]

You two are so smart, I love ya ❤