dating apps rotted my brain

[@RoseEyed]

"If he wanted to he would" is supposed to be for AFTER you've communicated your basic needs, expectations, and deal breakers to someone while giving them space (and grace) as you learn how to show up for each other. It's not about someone automatically being able to read your mind and magically do everything for you with a smile. OR about Instagram couple aesthetics.

[@Q-rj1qo]

I do think it's applicable to more basic things though e.g if they doesn't ask you to be his girlfriend for a long time he probably doesn't want to, if they aren't showing you clear interest they probably don't like you that much etc. I have multiple guy friends who agree with this

[@RoseEyed]

@@Q-rj1qo definitely agree with that. If it's something that should be obvious like the fact you need to TALK to someone you're romantically interested in and make an effort to spend time with them "if he wanted to he would" applies without you needing to say anything. When it comes to the nuanced ways you want someone to show up in a relationship WITH YOU specifically though there does need to be that communication.

[@junyaiwase]

@@Q-rj1qowell , why dont you ask to be his? Is he not allowed to be too shy to ask, better question; why havent you asked him yet?

[@mayanicole8416]

@@junyaiwaseit don’t work like that

[@RoseEyed]

@@junyaiwase sure the woman can ask that but they both have to give some indication that they’re interested in that beforehand, which goes back to some more obvious things (spending time with each other, reaching out, etc.) not needing to be explained. I didn’t read that as saying ONLY the man can ask someone out, just as her giving an example of what some of those more obvious things are.

[@jonathancangelosi2439]

The biggest problem with dating apps is that they incentivize you to attract as many people as possible rather than to attract the right person for you.

[@BrianWaller-qe7gr]

It doesn’t help that average women don’t want average men. They all are chasing the top 10% regardless how low her smv is

[@Utubecridik35]

The best luck I've had on dating apps, is to break away from trying to attract as many people as possible, but the specific person I was looking for. Less matches happened, yes. But when I did get a match it went alot further.

[@liabw05]

@@BrianWaller-qe7grsmv?! You sound like an incel. Go touch grass because I know plenty of average women with average men 😂

[@Laura-gd4ku]

@@BrianWaller-qe7grBrian thats bullshit but it’s easier to blame women for everything wrong with your life

[@paulinejackson5861]

Nothing wrong with this, I attract a lot of men so I just pick the best and leave the rest. Works well.

[@Anjemivas]

I feel like too many people have relationship fantasies and forget that relationships aren't like the movies or books or whatever, it's more of a self love, compatibility, and similar lifestyle/life goals type of thing

[@gabby222themoon]

Romance does exist tho, but like you said it’s a compatibility thing mostly. You have to know each other to get what’s romantic to that person and showing them love and affective that way.

[@Anjemivas]

@@gabby222themoon yeah the real romance begins when those feelings of superficial attraction are gone and couples have to "keep the spark" (at least that's what I heard from a marriage therapist once)

[@NoName-sp5dp]

@@gabby222themooncompatibility isn't enough. The want is. Ppl can be compatible but don't want to be together

[@kat-gz5ki]

I'm really glad that more people in our generation are becoming aware of the damaging mindset towards romance that dating apps create. I have a pretty similar backstory to you where my first ever dating experiences were in my freshman year of college in 2019 on Tinder and I was expecting fireworks and romance at the end of every date because my expectations were just so high. I remember thinking "That's it??" after my first ever date, lol, never saw him again. I think what was most shocking to me was realizing that dating apps do not give you the opportunity to develop a CRUSH on someone; you're supposed to meet under the context that you both are content with each others' superficial qualities like appearance/career/height/school and that's somehow supposed to be enough. Like you said in the video, there are so many people I would develop a crush on in real life that I would never have swiped on in a dating app. I really just think everyone should develop a crush on their S/O before dating it's such an important stage.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@kat-gz5ki this is super interesting to me and I wonder if it's a stage of life thing? Like i enjoy a good crush but in my 30s, the odds of actually finding someone available, interested, and at all compatible via crush is super low. But personally i can get crushy energy going from a good first date or even a good pre-date conversation. (re: crushes on people you wouldn't swipe on, that seems like a good point for self-reflection, because you can decide to widen or change who you swipe on. Personally I try not to look at photos until I've formed an opinion based on interests and vibe, since I know I've most often developed feelings for people who aren't my physical "type." and a surprising number of people look better than their photos)

[@mari98_]

no fr I have this exact timeline and the apps never did it for me like I cant even get myself to chat with people bc of the lack of that piece. In college I could develop crushes irl and had a social circle to vouch for them etc, I really just can’t get myself past the lack of that with apps

[@botanicalitus4194]

Dating is not the same as getting into a relationship, its the stage that you start hanging out with someone to see if you are interested in them enough to pursue a relationship. It's pretty normal to develop a crush while dating, before getting into a relationship.

[@okaySam]

This is very insightful!

[@okaySam]

@@botanicalitus4194 You are correct, but with dating apps and social media, there is less incentive to take your time and invest in dates to let the crush develop. I'm old enough to remember a time when people sometimes disliked each other (from a distance) before ending up falling in love. Today, if a date is neutral, in most cases it's the first and last date with that person.

[@bebeface9822]

Literally deleted bumble last week, I was done and done for GOOD. I’m a black woman living in Australia and most guys on the apps see me as a fetish, I had one guy message me “ I haven’t slept with a black girl before” just randomly 😂😂😂

[@realist8979]

Jesus!

[@abnormpsych17]

Dating apps are literally no place for black women. They literally killed dating white men for me cause I can't do it. Not knowing thats even how some people think because it's way more guys than most people want to believe.

[@thorns5912]

Have this happen to me all the time too, since men fetishize my red hair... So sickening!

[@Muhluri]

I'm not surprised lol.

[@aroangeI]

sounds very australia..

[@RoseEyed]

"Work on yourself" and "You'll find love when you least expect it" doesn't mean something's wrong with you for trying to find someone or that you have to be perfect to deserve love. It means don't obsess over it so much you're neglecting other parts of your life, burning yourself out, or trying to force connections. Dating or meeting someone DOES require effort, but the TYPE is important. The effort you put into meeting someone at/doing something you hate is VERY different than that of doing something you enjoy. The latter may not even feel like effort, and even if you don't meet someone you still had fun. When you're focusing on that joy and development you often meet someone when you don't expect it because you don't have the chance to overthink and overanalyze. You're more likely to try something that doesn't fit preconceived plans of a partner while ALSO being authentic, self aware, and able to set boundaries. And from there things can happen naturally instead of in a way that's forced because you're desperate to have someone. There is no cheat code to dating. What works on or for one person at one point in time won't for someone else. That's why it's important to be yourself. It's a marathon, not a sprint and it's important to train and take breaks when you need to accordingly.

[@emmkells]

I came to say exactly this! I would also add that having your own experiences/hobbies, etc. Gives you a chance to get to know yourself and build your self esteem rather than through a relationship. If you want any relationship indeed, you do not have to work on yourself. If you want an healthy one, I believe it starts with loving yourself and enjoying your own company first!

[@RoseEyed]

@@emmkells This! And by rounding yourself out as a person it also means you'll be better at vetting who's compatible for YOU specifically vs just tolerable. You'll have an easier time saying no to folks until you find someone who naturally fits you instead of having to contort yourselves to fit each other.

[@matchaleche]

This really is great advice! Thank you for mapping it out so eloquently, I screenshottet it. I'm on my healing journey atm and well thought-out objective and non hateful advice really helps!

[@hectorperez2896]

Wishful thinking but it's not the same for everyone you'll end up being realizing nobody has sauce around you

[@cardinalsfan9610]

Too many times, people take advice like "work on yourself" and "you'll find love when you least expect it" too literally. There's no conditioning in sayings like that, to take them with a grain of salt. Dating is honestly a bit of luck. And being on apps can reduce people to their pictures or whatever vision of those people you have in your head.

[@joeldaviswarren]

I'm so glad so many of us are collectively coming to the point where we just go 'f it, we ball' and get off the apps. I know they have their place, but seeing these massive companies profiting off of insecurity and loneliness finally fall off a little is cathartic. Personally, I've met some awesome people through the apps, but 99% of the time, it feeds my depression and leaves me hurt. Now that I'm off of them, I've felt WAY more confident so when IRL opportunities do present themselves, I'm much more prepared to actually try and make something happen. Literally, one day I just had a terrible Hinge experience, so I deleted the app and asked a cute stranger out just to feel something. Nothing came of it, but I felt so much better just knowing that it's possible to actually talk to people, haha.

[@cocoaxo6126]

everytime i get the slightest inclination to redownload these apps, videos like this always manage to slide into my feed 😅 a sign LMAO

[@oishikaray2767]

😂😂😂😂😂😂❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@mxar2074]

Same, I have to keep reminding myself that it has NEVER worked out the first 10 times I downloaded bumble or hinge. It's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN‼

[@avocadojones9583]

This is SO refreshing, Amanda! You’re putting into words the exact things I’ve been feeling and processing over the last couple years. Dating advice made me low key hate men for a while, and I didn’t even realize it. I’ve gotten to a place where I can use the apps in a relatively healthy way, but I have cut out dating content completely. It can be so insidious, fear mongering, and dehumanizing if you’re not careful about your consumption. Anyone with a phone and an internet connection can put any “advice” they want out there. Doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you.

[@goosewithagibus]

How'd it make you hate men? I'm not on any socials these days so I'm very out of the loop 😂

[@avocadojones9583]

@@goosewithagibus at the time I was in serious need of better boundaries/higher standards and consumed a lot of content from women who spoke on that. I did take away some good lessons but a lot of their opinions were along the “coffee is low effort” “no female friends allowed” “no sex for 3 months” line of thought. None of those truly resonate with me. I began to notice that I went into every interaction with men assuming he was predatory or dishonest or just out to get laid bc that’s what I constantly heard I need to protect myself from. That isn’t bad advice in and of itself but I was just suddenly this overly suspicious and guarded person who approached every situation with fear and resentment, not love. Currently chilling the f out with all that stuff.

[@goosewithagibus]

@@avocadojones9583 oh yeah that makes sense. Glad you're out of it now tho 🙌

[@Bea-3ice]

I have tried to remove this content from my FYP on all social media pages but they keep popping up like whack-a-mole and its quite frustrating.

[@mist3995]

I miss going out with men I saw in places we frequented as *friends* and then having my feelings grow from there, trying to act like friends at first almost seems to be insulting if you're meeting through dating apps but I feel like I need that process to want to date someone

[@praise3700]

😢😢me too. Good old fashioned gazing at each other and flirting. It’s important to observe someone in their natural environment

[@gabby222themoon]

That’s what I did w my partner of 5 years from a dating app. I told him I’m not tryna date right away like let’s be friends and 3 months later of hanging out a lot we started dating

[@andergarcia4953]

I dont get it. Why dont you go out with friends and have them help approach men you like?

[@NoName-sp5dp]

@@andergarcia4953no

[@dreamingofthemoon]

SAME

[@user-br4mu3op9d]

Btw, not related, but your hair is on point😍!!

[@clementinelives]

Agreed

[@bibaolaitan5189]

Ikr!!..

[@chaike9001]

Another issue is people using the apps as a PRIMARY instead of supplemental. It should NOT replace organic interactions

[@bunnybeetle1304]

the best thing i learned from them is going crazy about someone just because they like you is not good for you, you need to like them too.

[@audens3341]

very good point about the role luck plays in finding a relationship. I was someone who desperately wanted a relationship for years and asked out several people throughout high school to try to accomplish that. then six months into college, I actually found a relationship -- not because I finally self-actualized and became perfect, but because I met the right person at the right time. that said, some baseline level of emotional maturity is necessary to have a successful relationship in the long run, and that's why I'm glad love came to me when I was more ready for it

[@AMultipolarWorldIsEmerging]

I actually got a little bit of anxiety when you played that matching sound haha. I’m a dude and my view is dating apps may as well be gambling. They are designed to keep you on the app. I met some good ladies but mostly I feel dating apps messed with my head. Now I behave as if they don’t exist and I try to make an effort to get out more and just approach women in person. It’s awkward and not easy but with practice and grace it can be done. The long lost art of hitting on women in person , I didn’t completely lose it but dating apps took me away from it. I think women much prefer it too

[@gemguardianzero]

I didn't even know there was a matching sound... 🥲

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

💯

[@B91168]

Youre a guy and youre getting matches? Tell me your secret King

[@2kershy]

I think ultimately you're on the right path doing that because nothing beats a personal first impression. No digital profile can accurately convey what it's like to be around you. Also, when you approach in person, you get the chance to let your behavior spark a sentiment that is authentically you, not a profile that can be misinterpreted or reduced to stat-like attributes

[@tgheretford]

It's funny how you mention gambling because the dating app financial model is very similar to the financial model of gambling firms. I find the financial model of dating apps to be immoral and unethical.

[@yennefer440]

The bumble ads were crazy

[@dirtyace1668]

What do you mean? Crazy as in they were effective?

[@Leoatotis-il9pq]

I downloaded the apps once during Covid but I really struggle feeling attracted to or interested in women via pictures or profiles. But yeah I was addicted to swiping and getting matches, they really tap into the casino slot machine psychology. I just didn’t care enough to actually talk or go out with a stranger. It’s a lot more fun to meet someone irl and discover you find them attractive vs going through people trying to find something special.

[@yeyzee]

I recently had bumble bff (to make girlfriends/friendship), but I literally had TOO many matches and too many “hello how are you what do you like to do for fun” type of conversations that I completely left the app. It was TOO overwhelming for me! I literally met ONE girl from there, hungout twice, and even now we don’t talk because we just live too far and it’s NOT ORGANIC. Long story short I gave up on making friends that way, it was too much for my already occupied brain. I’d rather just meet someone in real life

[@LLCoolJ_25]

Don’t forget the girlies who try to sell their MLM bs on there.😭 That aside, I only hung out with this girl a few times and then she ghosted me. If it’s not organic, it just ends up not being worth it.

[@R0291-l1l]

I agree the level of casual classism and shallowness we've accepted as "standards" for dating (specifically hetero m/f) is gross and regressive. Obviously there have always been people who are shallow and gold-diggers, but social media has really made those once distasteful attitudes popular. I do think it reflects well on a man to have a job and be taking care of himself and his life financially, but I don't need someone to be rich to be attractive to me. If anything, as a socialist, that makes them a bit suspect haha. But also, I'm worried for younger women thinking that relying on a romantic partner for your financial well-being is the goal in dating; that makes them so vulnerable to abuse and to missed opportunities to self-actualize.

[@NoName-sp5dp]

I mean if you never want children that's fine

[@ramywiles]

What I'm coming to believe is that in order for you to have an overall positive experience on dating apps, let alone in order to find a long-term partner, you have to enjoy meeting people purely for the sake of meeting people. And I just... don't. I never have. Maybe that keeps me closed off to opportunities, but it's worked for me so far. All of my lifelong friends, I've met through repeatedly showing up to spaces and activities that we had a mutual interest in. I met my girlfriend this way too. Media fandom, sports, dance classes, music groups, hiking/walking spots... if we can't connect on the basis of those things, within the context of engaging with those things, it's probably not going to work. And I guess for that reason, I do lean more toward saying that focusing on yourself and your interests is the best thing you can do for yourself if you're looking for a relationship -- maybe that's not the case if you enjoy meeting people for the sake of it and want to connect with someone else who does as well! But if that's not you, I do think you're going to have a harder time making the connections you want, and I do think you're better served investing that time in cultivating your own interests. I do understand how that could sound like a shaming tactic, though... at the end of the day, I guess I have a lot of frustrations with dating apps being pitched as the _only_ or _best_ way to find love, and I don't like seeing people being sucked into that mindset (myself included, at certain points).

[@ArtichokeHunter]

it's so interesting to me when people talk about not knowing if they'd enjoy having a conversation before the first date because like... are y'all not having a conversation on the app? if people can't have a conversation on the app i'm not gonna agree to go on a date with them. that's literally the minimum. (I've only gone on dates with people i've had decent app conversations with, and the date conversations have also been pleasant even if we didn't click or have a spark) the idea that it's parasocial to have a conversation with someone before you know them is confusing to me too because when you are getting to know people, you are always talking and learning and not already knowing them? that's why you're talking, to learn? and if you want to have things in common, then swipe on people who have things in common, no? (maybe that's harder for straight people? but like there's gotta be people with common interests out there) i guess i really don't get how other people are using dating apps but there's a generation gap here and i'm probably not talking to anyone this young on the apps, so maybe it's irrelevant

[@anon7057]

I think it’s more like you develop expectations about this person who you don’t have a full picture of and because of the absence of more information you fill in the blank spaces with your ideal situation. I’ve found myself in conversations with people where in my head we are soulmates and then they never respond. And try as you might the app and the notifications are little dopamine perks so it’s difficult to break a cycle of getting your hopes up especially when the conversation is going really well. I agree that I always try to have some conversation first but straight men are pretty awful conversationalists over text on the whole or barely fill in their profiles with an idea of their interests.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@anon7057 oh yeah straight men want to meet up way too soon from my experience too. Re: expectations, I think that probably varies for different people but I think any way you meet people, you're not gonna know a lot and you can get your hopes up? I've def idealized people I've met organically in person

[@apathybronson]

That. Like, that been literally the reason why I used to use dating apps when I was single. I didn't want to waste time on a date and date prep (make up, dressing up) on somebody I might not even like to talk to.

[@gabby222themoon]

@@anon7057don’t give in to those men then. If u can’t have a convo over text for a few weeks then it’s not worth ur time meeting up. Raise ur standards yk

[@cruiser6260]

​@@ArtichokeHunteryet so many women are complaining about never getting asked to meet, men wanting to only chat forever. But being for hookups, many people are going to want to meet that night. There's no real attraction of any kind if it's not the next weekend

[@crunchysalmons]

as a man that’s been planning to get hinge for like 4 months but still hasn’t, videos like these are sometimes alarming but the conclusion still gave me hope for my furture swiping

[@kingnick6260]

Hinge is actually pretty decent; the algo doesn't work against you unlike Tinder & Bumble which are designed to keep both men & women on the app. Speaking from experience, granted you don't look like a slob in your photos 😆

[@baileykeller288]

​@kingnick6260 I know that's what hinge says, but how? I don't really understand what makes them different. They still gamify dating, don't they?

[@aielianna]

@@baileykeller288 I may be a pessimist but it sounds like hinge saying that the “algorithm doesn’t work against you” is keeping people on the app 🫣

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@baileykeller288 hinge is the best I've tried. It's not like it's wildly different, but it makes you pick something about a person to like, rather than yes/no to them overall, which encourages people to actually read profiles and engage with them.

[@ALFTHADRADDAD]

Bro don't, just go outside. Dating apps are an L, especially in 2024

[@TheMarslMcFly]

As a 26yo Dude I never used and will never use TikTok, so I don't have any struggles there lol. Tinder I used for a little bit, but since I'm from a super rural area I had to put my radius to like 50km to find more people than like my cousins and people I went to school with. Everyone else I matched with I only had incredibly superficial conversations which was annoying af. So long story short I uninstalled it again and haven't used any Dating Apps since.

[@tor4472]

It's tough using dating apps in interior Alaska as well lol, you go through everyone in your area in 15 minutes

[@MeowMeow-sy2mi]

All of the dating apps have SUCH expensive subscriptions now vs when I was last single in 2019. 15-30$ per week?!

[@graceelizabethedgin486]

I was in a relationship with someone for a good 3 years. He was one of my best friends, and we became partners. We had a lot in common such as music, taste in art and different books we like to read... etcetera. However, the more I became involved in our relationship, I was so wrapped up on the idea of "US." We didn't go to concerts, nor did we go to different events. After a while, I felt like I was in a relationship that didn't fulfill any of my needs. I was missing out on opportunities such as traveling and socializing differently . It came to the point where I was questioning myself being involved in a relationship because I felt like I was missing out on opportunities to discover more myself. Eventually, when we ended things, it took me a while to remember my own free spirit personality. In conclusion, I just think it's healthy for individual women to discover who they are first before they get themselves involved. And try not to lose that sense of yourself. xoxo

[@jrrthompson1996]

I always find it interesting to compare and contrast the experiences that men and women have on dating apps. Certain things are similar, and others are completely different. I can't imagine even having the option to just agree to a random date any night of the week I'm free; when I went on dating app dates, it was always something that i planned, facilitated, and usually paid for. Knowing girls are getting tiktok feeds full of contents about how walking dates or coffee shop dates are "low-effort" or show that I'm not going to treat them right also influenced my date choices, meaning i would usually end up spending anywhere between $30 and $80 per date, which again just makes the whole thing a lot more costly for me (and most other men i suspect). Not just the financial, but the logistical stress of planning and navigating early social pitfalls regularly made dating an absolutely miserable experience. Thankfully, I am now dating a wonderful woman who is enthusiastic about both planning dates together and appreciates me as much as i appreciate her. Good people are out there, no matter how it seems when you're in the middle of it!

[@cruiser6260]

Definitely did not spend 30-80$ on first dates unless I was going to drink that mostly myself. Women themselves suggest a walk or a coffee because it's common sense that you're going to just see if they look like their fotos and might want to leave shortly, seperately or in tow. Planning dates is no effort, pulling out their purse takes effort if you're only a resource

[@ERoss338]

As a late 30s guy I feel so bad for Gen Z. This is truly sad. I tried apps like 10 years ago and realized quickly how terrible it was. I knew dating before social media. So i just went back to the old school

[@shaylenwayne9284]

I've tried dating apps and honestly atp I'm good with being single. Like there's so many different pressures that make dating not fun.I occasionally think I'm broken since so many people I know have a relationship but nothing feels better than not being tied to another person.

[@elosacle]

I'd been describing myself as "romantically worthless" for my complete lack of success on dating apps. And from the many traumatic experiences with trying to date women, and the complete absence of sympathy for men who experience trouble or struggle with dating, I've decided that dying alone is preferable to whatever I have to do just to get a date.

[@86fifty]

Have you heard of asexuality? Feeling perfectly fine single and also wondering if you're 'broken' are really common stories that ace people tell about themselves, before learning the words for it. When I learned about it, everything made a lot more sense to me, since I'm happy being single too.

[@copycooks9850]

Sprinkle sprinkle felt like a direct response to the Andrew tates and Jordan Petersons who reduced women to those things to a lot of young men

[@MayahLarab]

100%

[@NoName-sp5dp]

Yes and no. She's been on yt for a very long time

[@charmmesilly1000]

I completely relate to not being able to deal with a roster on these apps!! I think the most amount of people I ever talked to at once was 3 and it got draining so fast trying to maintain three separate connections. I think the roster thing is just not appealing to me because I'm in no rush when it comes to getting married nor do I want children. So I really don't mind taking my time with one person before moving on to another if it doesn't work. My bf was the only person I was talking to when we matched.

[@InTheWorldILiveIn]

I feel like a lot of this is more lack of boundaries than dating apps. I mean, dating apps do suck. Being ready because a date “could happen at any moment,” is more of a lack of boundary. I set up dates a week out at least because my schedule is busy. I stay ready because I like to and it makes me feel good-not for prospective partner. Going out with just anyone is lack of boundary. Having more than a few matches is lack of boundary and might I say desperation as well. Not trying to be rude-I do think dating in person (really, just waiting for it to happen, not even speed dating or dating-related activities in person) is the most ideal. This is why it’s so important to be our own people and realize that people speaking on the internet are speaking from their own perspective, experience, insecurities, hurts, good things that happened to them…etc.

[@melodiesandmemories7739]

Totally get the idea that you don’t need to change yourself to find a relationship (especially for women who’ve been told that forever) but I’ve also observed men who haven’t put any effort into being an interesting, well-adjusted person and then become resentful because “women don’t like them.” So i think there’s some truth to trying to improve yourself to be someone a person would want to date, like if your last relationship fell apart because you couldn’t communicate, then work on your communication skills, etc. I found that men were often projecting “how do I get her to date me” rather than “how do i become a version of myself that would be appealing to date” (in a non-superficial way).

[@caseymunster]

You perfectly articulated my exact behavior and experiences with dating apps and tiktok dating advice. As a late bloomer with little experience and small social circle, it was only natural to seek advice of strangers right? 😅

[@SnezzingOreO]

I met someone off hinge and on our first date I saw she had 10+ notifications on hinge. Lord I almost blacked out

[@ArtichokeHunter]

doesn't hinge only let you have 8 conversations at a time? is that a paid perk

[@aciv132]

@@ArtichokeHunter lol no

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@aciv132 it only lets me have 8 unanswered convos or I have to respond or archive one to get more

[@ALFTHADRADDAD]

Bro women get 10 matches a day

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@ALFTHADRADDAD oh i don't get a notif for matches, just for convos which is capped at 8. Im not the kind of woman who gets 10 matches a day though lol

[@SlashinatorZ]

I've deleted Tinder 3 times in the past 7 years & am done with scummy dating apps. But how do I meet girls in person when I live in the Houston countryside? Theres no 3rd places here & everything is so freaking spread out I HAVE to have a car. Everyone's old af so there's very few girls under 40 to be seen. Any activities outside of driving, shopping, dining & auto repairs are completely alien to us so don't bring up anything to do with meetups or clubs. And I'm far too poor to move out of my parents house.

[@han3wmanwukong125]

From the foolishness I've heard about dating apps, I feel somewhat fortunate from my short time there. I recall once at a friend's apartment, his sister had an OK Cupid account when it first became a big deal... a decade or more ago. She was using it and I saw that she had nearly 200+ unanswered messages and I thought "the math on that is unbeatable". Disregarding the fact that the male experience is a bit different than the female experience, some months later I asked her how things were going and she said she had gone on one or 2 dates. I thought... not quite out loud, but nearly so.. "how in the hell do you receive 200+ messages and only go on a couple of dates?" Turns out that after selecting someone, she would play phone hockey for a week or two for the guy to "make a mistake". Suffice it to say she is still single. Brain Rot is an understatement.

[@m0nz13]

My friend does this shit! I hate it, just meet and move on if it doesn’t work. No wonder guys are losing hope too. It’s shitty on both ends.

[@sunnni_]

I felt this! I use to have a pretty neutral stance when it came to dating. What I wanted and didn't want but then tik tok dating content and youtube content rotted my brain to the core. I didn't know what I wanted anymore or if I was doing something wrong. I was letting ppl tell me based on my age, I should be married by now without them knowing I've never been in a relationship so its hard as hell to get in one. But now, after 6 years on and off the apps, I no longer want to use that anymore. I am pretty much over the whole concept of dating but I am open to someone being apart of my life whenever that time comes. And I've seen what the internet has done to women around me and I've noticed, at least here where I am from, some women are lowkey becoming women incels and I hate that for everyone. People deserve to have someone and its okay to want to be loved but its just too much tension going on so I pulled myself out of the dating game.

[@rynb4868]

Had exactly the same experiences with the apps and brainrot during university, to a crazy degree. I look back on pictures and feel a bit sad/protective of the person it made me. Sculpting myself to be interesting to men (I'm now a lesbian lol). What kicked me out of it was honestly seeing a friend go down the same rabbit hole, but deeper, and being unable to help her out (she didn't want out). It was shortly after this era that I met my partner of 2+ years because we were part of the same community on twitter, of all places lol.

[@praise3700]

😭😭I thought it was just me !!! I had to put a pause on the dating advice because it was just too too much. It all gave me a whole new level of anxiety plus the dating apps !!! I too a huge break I’ve been better for it. I consume more faith content now and I’m loving it

[@imjustdandy9799]

Im starting to think im aromantic. The idea of jumping through so many hoops to date someone is so foreign to me. There must be something im not getting

[@67kingdedede]

its also true that the whole dating sphere is just fucked sideways rn. no need to label yourself.

[@suoutubez19]

Yeah anyone can recognize this lol not just aromantics

[@Muhluri]

Nah you just have to meet the right person. I had that same mindset as you until I genuinely fell in love with someone. I also know for me it can take a longer time for me to fall in love with someone

[@elosacle]

@@imjustdandy9799 very much agreed. dating apps make me wish I was aromantic

[@adamcheedlet4871]

I think it is just the dominant society within the western world in general. See, the western world does not seem to respect anything that they cannot see, hear or touch. And just like anything else they do they seem to think they can somehow 'beat the system'

[@tgheretford]

We're seeing real world dating events where a large group of women show up yet no men show up. So the problem is not just being restricted to the apps, it's happening in the real world too.

[@elosacle]

Could you elaborate more on this? I'm genuinely curious to hear about it from your perspective.

[@tgheretford]

@elosacle There's been many a dating real world event set up and the turnout has been 90% or more women at best. Men are by and large not attending real world events.

[@treatz_____]

U SAID IIITTTT!!! i had a similar experience (although i am white) in high school and was so ready to get on the apps when i started college in 2019. literally skewed my whole perception of dating, and i had crushes on people i knew from my social life but dating apps made me feel like i could only be interested in the people on them if that makes sense? like so i knew they were eligible and interested in me, and then i wouldn't even interact if i saw them in person because i felt like i had to keep my activity on the apps hidden. i think that way of thinking hindered me socially because the apps acted my first line of defense against rejection.

[@blessingmurray1605]

I definitely agree!! Sprinkle sprinkle messed me upppp😂😂😂 I had to draw all my energy back from her I almost crashed out

[@NewlyDreadedTim]

You really thought using men and treating them like shit was a good dating idea how do youl fall for that?

[@blessingmurray1605]

@@NewlyDreadedTim you gotta understand they type of power these influencers can have a times over the viewers. Especially Black woman who aren’t healed, gone through trauma, chose ‘bad men’, had abusive relationships etc, they’ll feel as if ‘using men and treating them like shit’ is the only way to gain their confidence and self worth back. It’s psychological :)!

[@NoName-sp5dp]

She's a finance guru not a relationship one

[@Voltarion_WWa]

I am so happy this disdain to coffee dates hasn't caught up in my part of Europe yet. Coffee date is a perfect first date: it's casual, and it's low pressure on all parties. Buying a fancy dinner to a woman I don't actually know would be incredibly awkward. But hey, at least women who think that coffee date is beneath them filter themselves out, so....

[@86fifty]

For real! Coffee dates are MUCH less awkward to leave from if it goes sideways, plus, it shows a willingness to treat the person as 'friends first' and not immediately cast the other person in a romance play. Plus, it being cheap is a positive for me! Show that they're circumspect with money. I would like someone who's good at budgeting, lol!

[@weepy404]

I like this anecdotal format!

[@BobbyBe76]

That part about coffee dates. smdh. Sometimes those can be the best kind of dates. They allow you to get to know each other with less pressure, expectations and in the case of guys (even the ones with plenty money) frustration. Too many people are just toxic dumping bad advice poisoning the brains of everyone. smdh. Also disqualifying someone for being "broke"? WTF happen to building something with your s/o. Everyone just wants instant gratification and that's just sad.

[@lunalovebuzz]

OMG THAT FIRST THING YOU SAID I also experienced this, even when I fully disagreed with a person, their views still seeped into my brain. Had to unfollow Chidera Eggerue real quick after she started her podcast. I really wanted to be open to hearing fresh and modern 'feminist' perspectives on (decentering) men and relationships, and I was optimistic after hearing her talk about not splitting the bill, but then all of a sudden it became clear to me that she's one of those cases where someone goes so radical that they loop to the other side of the spectrum. Out there talking about value and money and self respect as if she's a misogynist podcast bro. It felt so crazy to notice that her views were getting to me regardless!!

[@icarusfluffybottom899]

Meanwhile here I am, an old, just got divorced this year and was hopeful I could use some of these things to help get back out there... only to find everyone hates them now! I was like, "Well, at least maybe this will be easier..." NOPE. Obviously there is never a good or right time for your life to fall apart, but jeeeeeeez, finding out the promise of the apps was a lie just makes things even HARDER. Gotta figure out how to re-integrate in to the world I guess ;_;

[@camlatchford6182]

as usual, a thoughtful and insightful video from you!

[@adenaonline5601]

I love your hair!! Its looks thick and full xx

[@supriyajalan1914]

It feels so nice to feel seen. You’re initial experience with dating apps is exactly the same as mind and god does it feel validated to know I’m not the only one who sought external validation from Tinder

[@YaleStewartArt]

This was really interesting, mostly because I (36yo) had completely failed to consider what dating apps would be like for people who grew up with them simply being part of the landscape, instead of this new option to try out.

[@asher8770]

tbh I think dating apps work really well for gay ppl rather than straight ppl

[@ArtichokeHunter]

100% this, dating apps are so helpful. i mean if i were straight i would probably still find them helpful but extra for queer people

[@chelseashurmantine8153]

Gay men maybe….. but not lesbians

[@gregvs.theworld451]

Maybe it's because I'm neurodivergent, but I'm bi and dating apps have never done anything for me. Granted, I do want to date, not just hook up and screw.

[@ArtichokeHunter]

@@chelseashurmantine8153you can speak for your experience and I'll speak for mine. Dating apps are essential to me as a woman dating women and nb people and i would never have gone on a date without dating apps

[@pakovstheuniverse]

What a hot take!

[@BarryDaly7]

You have such a beautiful perspective, you hit so many of extremely important points. I’m glad I came across your video randomly.

[@Johnny_Sunshine]

I've been coming to the same conclusions. I think it's also unfortunate that most dating apps have fallen on the same format. Actually I like Grindr's experience the best, but because it's very much sex oriented, it's not so much dating and it only comprises part of my dating pool. But what you talk about towards the end of the video is the most interesting stuff for me, especially with regards to dating apps: what are we telling ourselves about love and dating ? Previous' generations received ideas on the subject were not so great. But I feel we have not produced an adequate replacement for them. Let's use this past decade's experience to maybe inform us.

[@jadaochoa2911]

Love how honest you were, such a relatable watch

[@symbioticmango]

I turned 18 and left for college right when Tinder exploded. I hadn't dated at all until then, it was like irresponsible, sexy floodgates for like 5 years straight. And all because I also developed a heavy dependency on the validation dating apps gave me. I engaged in risky behavior and found myself vulnerable around harmful people because I was chasing that validation. And in turn I caused plenty of harm in my wake as well, ghosting being easy and whatnot. But I do have to admit I'm now engaged to and own a home with someone I met on bumble, genuinely at the time when I had experienced enough shit through the dating apps I no longer expected commitment of any kind.

[@pepperminttree]

i instantly dislike any dating related content. it just becomes too much. even dating horror stories or recaps, immediately blocked😂

[@dime1012]

Never once downloaded a dating app, it all seems way to meta and non organic for me. And the fact that I know for sure the person I’m talking to is actively talking to several other guys who are trying to be romantically involved with them is the big nail in the coffin.

[@traesmith9822]

I embrace brainrot. Why use all brain when few work good?

[@DeepRightRecords]

Women thinking a coffee date is him being broke is wild 🤣😭

[@gordonabishop]

Hi Amanda! Been watching for a while but this is my first time commenting. Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed the switch to a more conversational style, it's a fun change of pace. So much of what you said resonated with me. I can also remember being in high school and thinking that getting into a relationship would solve all of my problems, and then diving head first into dating apps with plenty of matches/interested suitors but having zero luck because the other person had completely different intentions. Of course I'm also a gay guy so it's really interesting to hear the difference in your experience. Your comment about dating apps sometimes feeling like you're just talking to a chatbot actually shook me lmao. Very applicable to Grindr. Regarding your comments at the end about how you don't have to get your life in perfect order before going on the apps, I wish I felt the same way. Maybe I need to talk about this with a therapist instead of lamenting in the comments section. 🤣 Thanks again for the video!

[@gordonabishop]

Oh and re: dating apps (the actual topic... I'm a mess). From a gay man's perspective I think the apps are just brain rot entirely. LMAO. Very little hope. Deleting the apps and pretending they do not exist is the second best thing I've ever done for my mental health besides starting an SSRI.

[@Anywayyihao]

I was done after I encountered my first narcissist man 2 years ago. I have discernment so it lasted 2 weeks. Plus, dating apps aren’t classy imo & has the bottom of the barrel people on there. Men also just want an easy way to get 😺.

[@SilentMute0515]

sprinkle sprinkle content is a hop and a step away from tradwife content

[@kant.68]

I doubt it. Gender roles that only benefit women are a deal no man should ever take

[@whoashell]

such a great video - i really resonated with several of the messages you shared! thank you for sharing your mind with us amanda! :)

[@StarRunner777]

I disagree about being your best self you can not work on yourself and be in a relationship but no self work or improvement will lead to the end of any relationship. Nobody wants to be with someone who has issues and refuses to deal with them or improve because “that’s who they are “. That’s not fair to either person in a relationship.

[@xbeauxyeux]

bro you’re so pretty

[@gaming4ever803]

The minute u let ppl into ur personal life even friends family consider the end of it , all those apps are useless and waste of time. Thank god I never had tiktok

[@bencormier6594]

I could be off base, but if you're looking to make quick judgments based off of things you know logically don't make sense, it could be a sign of anxienty.

[@gregvs.theworld451]

As a masc who's used dating apps in the past, yeah... you can just find a date in a day with all the hits you get... so true...

[@mitchelldavidson1821]

It’s been proven through nearly every study that dating apps have a negative effect on people. Really hope dating in general improves in this modern age.

[@karenmassey8354]

If he wanted to he would is more about how the man shows up - as in, if he wanted to take you on a date he would. If he wanted to marry you he would. So many women chase men who don’t and won’t show up properly and that’s how they end up in toxic, one-sided relationships where they are doing all the work.

[@tor4472]

This goes for both men and women, so I think you may be being into it a little bit

[@EverygurlUSA]

They played a bumble commercial before you’re video 💀

[@ialwaysshine.]

12:24 This part reminds me of what the Hamiltonian said about the love is blind pods.

[@cakeissweet8185]

This effect reminds me of the South Park episode about the spread of anti seminitism and how even the critica display of it can cause it to spread. Loved the video lol

[@ronnie5329]

The most toxic women can be found on tiktoks dating advice😅 they are cheering for you to FAIL!

[@CeceCannelldoubleC]

This was just what I needed to remind myself not to redownload hinge lol thank you

[@cel7251]

I feel like social media dating advice @ times are geared towards women’s wants and needs and the man needs to step up Most of time. When in a relationship it requires both. Also it’s very icky how we describe people as high value low value- or black cat golden retriever to get what we want. You don’t gotta jump thru hoops to get what ya want say it or don’t! Chronically online takes may be agreeable online but baby in the real world it’s a different ⚾️ game out here. Like the advice is not really solution- growth oriented

[@isaacthomas6145]

Very refreshing and relatable perspective

[@bibaolaitan5189]

Gosh.. you are so beautiful...

[@genovasquez8361]

i only use apps to get a friend to come over, not go out on dates.

[@MeghNini3126]

also ugh amanda is sooo cute

[@TarotTrismagistus]

Dating apps were the most irresponsible and worst decision I ever made as an adult lol

[@Hinipe]

If I had to rely on dating apps, I'd forever be an incel (in the literal, not cultural sense), given how brutal they are towards short men. Then again, so are most parties.

[@DucksUpDogsDownCatsSlide]

I don't find dating apps to be very useful as someone with learning disabilities.

[@monus782]

I can only speak for myself but I’ve noticed that for us guys it’s mostly complaining having no matches at all while I’m hearing what women have to go through with dealing with an onslaught of guys matching with them (perhaps it’s mostly the gender ratio in these apps, I’ve repeatedly heard that it’s mostly men who use them). Best metaphor I’ve heard about it is that for women is like being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean (and maybe specifically the garbage patch) while for men it’s like being stranded in the middle of the Sahara. So basically dating sucks for almost everyone but in different ways, again I hear guys radicalized into being incels/RedPill/whatever that women “have it easy” in dating and life but hearing experiences like yours shows me that’s not the case at all most of the times.

[@raylemar]

Human beings were not designed to meet each other through dating apps. Everyone needs to get off of them and more people would have successful relationships.

[@destine1547]

That in person meeting vs online stats appraisal is 💯

[@okaySam]

🚩I'm interested in women sharing common "ick" statements in mens dating profiles. I am aware that nobody is perfect and we all should take it easy with "red flagging" everything, but I'm more so interested in very common - maybe annoying - lines in mens dating profiles. I'll give some examples from a mans POV: be funny -- make me laugh -- don't be boring -- a coffee date is NOT a date -- I don't split the bill -- be a gentleman -- don't be toxic -- be aware of your privilege -- don't wear shorts -- probably taller than you -- I'm funnier than you -- probably smarter than you -- I like pineapple on pizza -- strong and independent -- wild and crazy -- don't take yourself too seriously

[@TheRealCeeJai]

7:05 AAAAAHAHAHAHA OH YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD! Seriously, MOST of the women on Tinder are not aware it's a hookup app. I swear the most common phrase in girls' Tinder profiles right behind the incredibly overplayed "my child/ren is/are my world" is "NO HOOKUPS". At least you realized it. For most of these women, it's like, after a minute you kind of have to look around and ask 'why does everyone expect a hookup on here?'

[@Jade-pu1zc]

i see "if they wanted to they would" as a more basic compass of like, oh i've asked this person out three times and they're still not initiating plans/wow it's been 3 days since they've messaged me --- they probably don't like me

[@BandieDiamanda]

3 days?? maybe this is my chronic fatigue speaking but i cannot be held to a 3 day rule no matter how much i like the person ;-;

[@wellfedced]

I appreciate your perspective

[@BobbyBe76]

Modern Dating is becoming more and more transactional. A Sad state of affairs.

[@sibusisiwenyathi6331]

You’re so pretty ☺️

[@ALFTHADRADDAD]

Women should really try making a dating profile of an average man; the difference in what you're describing to the male experience is genuinely surreal.

[@mariaa6141]

Thanks for this video! It came at such a good time in my life. I’ve pretty much given up on dating apps, seeing that I never was able to develop a crush on any of the people I met (all the while thinking that if I had met them in real life I for sure could have). I want to meet somebody naturally but I’m also trying not to stress myself out. I’ve struggled with very hopeless crushes and limerence before and the only thing I feel helps against this is throwing myself into hobbies and also spending time with other singles. I think we can all do ourselves a favour by not stressing ourselves out. A partner won’t solve our problems and being alone is actually so nice too. Interestingly I’m currently living in a country where being with a man in public is very much in your favour if you’re a woman so that’s kind of messing with my brain lol

[@okaySam]

I didn't know there was toxic advice given to women about coffee dates. Thanks, this is helpful information. lol.

[@kant.68]

Yes sir!! 3:38 that's why im here for !! 😂 , and you struggle with dating? That's because you wanna in ll honesty

[@MizMorgue1]

Dating is exhausting. I quit. If someone with potential comes along, great, if not, great. I have a career, a home, I'm safe and have a few great friends. My needs are met.❤

[@RobinwithawhY]

You are so pretty 😍🥰❤️ Your hair is Gorgeous!!! ❤️