An adoption story | Jillian Lauren | TEDxChapmanU

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Jillian Lauren discusses her family's journey through the adoption of her son and her unique perspective as both an adoptive mother and adopted child. Though adoption has come a long way through the years, there is still a long way to go with many children still in need of a home. Join her on her reflections on family, identity, and most importantly, love.
Jillian Lauren is the author of the New York Times bestselling memoir, Some Girls: My Life in a Harem and the novel, Pretty. Some Girls has been translated into 17 different languages and is currently being adapted into a Lifetime movie. Her next memoir, Everything You Ever Wanted, is coming out from Plume/Penguin in 2015. Jillian has an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Paris Review, Vanity Fair, Los Angeles Magazine, Salon, and The Moth Anthology, among others. She is a regular storyteller with The Moth. Jillian blogs about motherhood and writing at whatever else she feels like at her award-winning blog: jillianlauren.com/blog.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@snapasap4323]

If you want to speak on adoption never forget to mention the separation trauma that occurs. It's not all rainbows and sunshine, you signed a life contract for someone that had no say in the matter

[@clocksie123]

Where do you think his trauma is coming from. When you are ripped away from your mother, family and surroundings, from everything you know what was safe. The adoption itself causes trauma. I am still dealing with that after 44 years.

[@morgaaaaaa]

im sorry you had to go through that, but you don't know the entire situation he was experiencing.

[@FloreFleur]

clocksie123 I agree with you

[@Catcapozzi]

@@morgaaaaaa Actually this trauma so common that Hague signatories must endeavor to place children locally, in their own culture, before adopting them abroad. This rule--known as the subsidiarity principle--is also enshrined in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.

[@mariacarter1013]

clocksie123 - I hear you! I'm still dealing with the trauma of my transracial adoption experience and I am 61 years old.

[@clocksie123]

@@morgaaaaaa it is well-known that adoption is trauma for every child cause adoption always means loss and that loss is enhanced by after losing his family ripping the child away from his country, language, culture and surroundings and after all this the child is expected to be thankful for being adopted. Their trauma is never even treated they are not even allowed to acknowledge it cause it will hurt the a. Parents

[@littlehooch94]

My parents adopted me and I love this talk! Thank you for shining a light on a taboo topic in a positive way.

[@lididuye]

Tariku means HIS STORY in Amharic. It's amazing!

[@KIWILONDONNZ]

I am a cross cultural adoptee who was adopted by a white family who already had 5 children of their own. It destroyed my life! I carried the trauma of separation, the trauma of adoption and the trauma that nobody in my family looked like me or was even the same skin colour.

[@writegirl2937]

😢😢😢😢😢

[@lajagonzo]

Thank you for sharing your story. I too am adopted and this spoke to me profoundly

[@lightmystic3792]

Hi Laja....i am thinking of adoption too......but wondering how adopted child will react once he or she gets to know about adoption.....Please give us some feedback and share your feeling and experience if possible.

[@justinoiler9749]

@@lightmystic3792 Now son Justin pullin Mama Leax atoaf Daddy Adam boact

[@wallywutsizface6346]

Too anyone who doesn’t know, her husband is Scott Shriner from Weezer.

[@kerrileelawrence8889]

Beautiful to hear someone who understands and can understand their child's double unknown hidden stolen lost identity without any swept under the rug shameful secrets ..to just let Your Adopted Child Grow up Somewhere Safe Enough to be Himself..🌿💟🙏💟🌿

[@bartbaker1504]

Storytelling is a gift. Adoption is a gift. And when the two collide, beautiful things can happen. Thank you, Jillian for telling your story and sharing your family.

[@DarthVader-jm3in]

Bart Baker Your torn from your family and given away to Strangers . that is not a gift that is every childs nightmare.

[@hanak5479]

+Darth Vader Wow, I didn't realize that adoption was just a front for a global kidnapping organization! You have opened my eyes.

[@roypullin2155]

They're not being kidnapped though.

[@relaxandrefocuswithmegan]

Uh yes they are. There's a lot of straight up kidnapping going on. A lot! I'll start you off with looking up the name Kimberly Rossler Alabama. Or do you want to start with the Baby Scoop Era? Adoption is tied up in human trafficking.

[@michellelekas211]

@@DarthVader-jm3in It's complicated, don't you think? More complicated that you are letting on here. I have read her book and Tariku's sky/airplane obsession is really haunting. Still, Tariku lived in a crowded orphanage when Lauren and Shriver adopted him. Yes, the situation of his placement is not fully known and troublingly hazy (Lauren and Shriver DID communicate with Tariku's birth mother, but who knows what pressure this impoverished Ethiopian teenage girl was under?). I do not, but neither do you. Lauren seems always self-obsessed, but she DOES write memoirs, so that works for her. She and Shriver seem like good parents and they parent much more publicly and under more scrutiny than any of us do. People are so simplistic: it is so easy, but so wrong..

[@Psychecafe]

He has trapped trauma from his relinquishment. Deep. It can be cleared. Just be honest and make it safe for him to share his grief of the loss of his parents. You are a caretaker, a parent of choice, but he had another as well. And that needs to be addressed.

[@andrelambert3292]

Belinda Gayheart-Arnold the mother is also adopted and is well versed in addressing adoption issues, since she lived thru it herself, and took training on children with his specific developmental issues, and thanks, they did a wonderful job raising a Well adjusted kid!

[@Michelek65]

As an adoptee this churns my stomach. She and the audience are unbearable. They have no idea about primal wounds. He will never fully trust that you won't relinquish him. Don't be naive. Learn about adoptee trauma...do your son a favor.

[@jamescooper-hope6930]

100%. Ignorance really isn't bliss.

[@andrelambert3292]

thank you Jillian Lauren on a brilliantly spoken piece. only someone who walks in your shoes,can so eloquently explain, dissect and demystify...the adoption triad.!! xxxooo aunty

[@yja496]

Loved the video! Thanks a lot!!!

[@jamescooper-hope6930]

His fascination with planes is not just a metaphor lady. Vile.

[@gardensofthegods]

I could only watch a few minutes of this . A number of people in the threads are also uncomfortable with her .

[@ellenbrown579]

Beautiful, as an adoptee who adopted (both situations from foster care) the last line moved me… from pain to possibility. Would love to know more about her experiences as transracial family and her thoughts now on nature versus nuture

[@littlewitch5960]

A amazing talk

[@thenobleone-3384]

Good story I was born in the United States but I feel connected to Southern Europe. My Biological father was Afghan. At the end of the day my parents were not the same so I knew that I was different or would be treated differently from the norm.

[@inkedhigh]

I was adopted from far east Russia. nikolaevsk-na-amure. been living in New Jersey, Puerto Rico, Florida and Minnesota.

[@adqueen2548]

Aww, the boy is so cute!

[@ronniemarie8751]

I agree Belinda.

[@yosemite2405]

I am an adoptee. This is bullshit on so many levels.

[@andrelambert3292]

she is adopted also, and so am I.. not our 1st time, down the adoption triad! Not B.S. At all!

[@marypedersen226]

She does focus on the racial aspect. I have 5 adopted siblings, from many backgrounds, and our family's experience wasn't like this at all.

[@nanabaws]

@@andrelambert3292 as an adoptee Andre... you really should know that every adoption story is different and valid. You should most definitely know better than to deny another adoptee their perspective...

[@jillianlauren]

So am I. Which is why I know you didn't actually watch it.

[@writegirl2937]

Why would this woman tell her Ethiopian adopted son that he is Irish and Jewish as if they carry the same weight as his African culture and ethnicity? She is encouraging the myth of colorblindness and cultural and ethnic blindness. What a shame.

[@garyg6000]

Great talk.

[@tipsytiptoes]

I am trying to make my mind whether i want to adopt or not. 🤞✌️ But blood relations do matter. They are responsibility too.

[@hartact6635]

I like to hear her again years later but actually better hím speak after his puberty...And when he turns 25...

[@gracepinghua21]

At 10:19, Jillian Lauren mentions the "Global Orphan Crisis" and quotes UNICEF's orphan statistic at 153 million. The UNICEF definition of "orphan" includes children who have lost one or both of their parents. According to UNICEF less than 10% of those "orphans" have actually lost both parents, and evidence clearly shows that the vast majority of orphans are living with a surviving parent, grandparent, or other family member. The definition of an adoptable orphan in most westernized countries is a child who has lost both parents. And it is this discrepancy in definition that has allowed the emergence of the purported "Global Orphan Crisis." Quote from UNICEF website: "UNICEF’s ‘orphan’ statistic might be interpreted to mean that globally there are 132 million children in need of a new family, shelter, or care. This misunderstanding may then lead to responses that focus on providing care for individual children rather than supporting the families and communities that care for orphans and are in need of support." www.unicef.org/media/media_45279.html

[@brianders6773]

UNICEF defines Orphans as " as a child who has lost one or both parents" www.brandeis.edu/investigate/adoption/orphanstatistics.html This would be the same definition that USCIS uses for immigration purposes. www.uscis.gov/tools/glossary/orphan

[@DarthVader-jm3in]

Brian Anderson If your parents are alive you are not a orphan.

[@brianders6773]

Darth Vader Thank you Darth!

[@dhiller66]

Darth Vader help the mother and you help the baby.

[@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi]

@@DarthVader-jm3in No--some children are relinquished or taken away

[@lizdestefano4905]

I'm adopted by two white Itialian parents and I'm Asian! Yeah I knew I was different at age 7! I was adopted around 5 years old!!

[@unropednope4644]

Wtf the kid not being able to look at them is funny to this Audience? You can tell by the look on her face that she was thinking the same thing

[@paganmoon8540]

If their are so many children in foster care in your own country why rip a child from theirs?

[@kerrisaint3013]

I love how they laugh when she explains that the child looks away from them because he is suffering trauma..people can be so thick. I don't think it was funny at all...poor kid

[@andrelambert3292]

Hey the kid is great, no need to pity him, he is a healthy and happy, and that's all you need to know about him!

[@dhiller66]

because trauma isn't funny.

[@tikster67]

hes healthy and happy huh? and yes Kerri , I agree, its disgusting....all the laughing. Im adopted so I do know what Im talking about. I look fucking great too...but no one...no one knows what is actually going on inside me my whole life

[@roypullin2155]

All y'all are just emo.

[@michawill6599]

I agree but your comment is slightly disingenuous... prior to that comment she explained that he looked incessantly to the moon and they thought that interested him, until they realised he was simply avoiding eye contact. She didn't mention trauma at that point.

[@SpfySpaceJam]

Exactly you never know what ur gonna get

[@araci88]

Sounds like he had Reactive Attachment Disorder

[@littlehooch94]

All of the hateful comments are from people that haven't been closely impacted by adoption

[@ailimontague155]

I’m an adoptee and I hate this video

[@cindisharma3455]

we did not adopt because we could not have kids. We gave our daughter a life she would not have had, had she not been adopted. Adoption is not good but sometimes it is the only option to keep them alive. The triad needs support on all sides.

[@dubleffler9451]

@@cindisharma3455 Agree- the Triad is often ignored - especially when it come to the Adoptive parents who often carry their own trauma.

[@taylorh9200]

I plan on being an adoptive parent and I dare anyone to tell me that the baby I raised, loved and cared for isn’t mine. Blood doesn’t make u family, love does.

[@rivermishow4678]

Loving or caring for a child does not give you the right to deem them 'yours'. We adoptees have been done a disservice by society pushing this narrative that children 'love conquers all' when it comes to building families. Genetic heritage and biological family are vitally important parts of a persons life and this idea that no one can tell you your adopted baby isn't 'yours' forces your child into accepting that narrative or to feel guilty for not being 'grateful enough'. No matter why it happens adoption at its root is a traumatic experience. A child is being taken from their biological family. To any current or future adoptive parent, please stop doing your adoptive child the disservice of not acknowledging this trauma. Allow them to decide themselves what and who they view you as in their life and do not shame or guilt them for it. And if they seek reunion in any shape or form, support them in it, they have a right to do it. Adoption is not about the adopters, it is about the ADOPTEE.

[@Neppy1414]

Taylor H it will never be YOUR baby. If you choose that narrative, you invalidate the child’s true story and make it what you want it to be. Yes, I’m adopted.

[@marciawright2600]

@@rivermishow4678 I agree with all of what you said but please be kind to Adoptive parents. We were just young people, looking to form and family and we came to adoption with great loss and pain. We all tried to do the best that we could with the information that we had. It is about the Adoptee but please offer some grace for Adoptive parents. Our hearts have been broken in so many ways that I can't even begin to describe.

[@cindisharma3455]

we did not adopt because we could not have kids. We gave our daughter a life she would not have had, had she not been adopted. Adoption is not good but sometimes it is the only option to keep them alive. The triad needs support on all sides.

[@emiliamineva5640]

Jillian, you're a smart, brave and amazing woman...your big heart is a gift from GOD...

[@JungWoonSeok]

Its worrysome that these kind of women are portraited and presented as the funny adoptive mother without the other side presented by adult adoptees. Where for instance are the girls from Mercy Mercy and Betty from the Netherlands who revealed that her parents in Ethiopia never gave up for adoption etc etc. Its worrysome... TED where are the adoptees in your series of talks?

[@andrelambert3292]

Hilbrand Westra she is an adult adoptee herself,who has a great knowledge about the adoption triad, and has researched the child's family, before undertaking such a decision. Of course this is not the case in ALL adoptions, I myself was a black market baby bought and sold in '65, took me 50 + years to unravel my own adoption, and some people will NEVER know... and that has to be ok too!

[@dhiller66]

Hilbrand Westra I agree. Many of these children are not orphans. Many are too poor to keep the children they love. Families would be better served to be helped to keep their families intact.

[@pcnus]

It's a human right to know where we come from.

[@miraraven999]

Right? as a inter-racially adopted child. I want to see an adoptee perspective. It's time for adoptee's to be heard, it's always the parents we hear from.....and it's always the parents trying to reassure us that "no, no, THEY ARE OKAY, " so we don't ever get to really feel for the adoptee child's pain. I know it because I can't escape it. so when I see this talk I was actually furious.

[@minuterepeater2257]

@@miraraven999 I know how you feel and agree, but from my experience most people dont know how to handle the negative side of things told by an adoptee. Im sure you experienced this many times in your life. Even if more adoptees got invited on these platforms, do you really think they will be able to relate to the paradoxal rollercoaster of emotions ? I dont think people would ever be able to understand, not because they dont want to or something like that; but this emotional chaos of love, pain and hate is so intense its something one only will be able to understand if you went through it yourself. Dispite the frustration and pain I have when it comes to my adoption; I did enjoyed her story. Ofcourse there is more than one road that leads to Rome, but to my opinion her and her hubby are doing it the right way.

[@Catcapozzi]

This TED talk won't age well. This. ain't. her. story. It's his. Ugh.

[@cgriley9643]

Seriously.

[@accountdeleted1103]

I looove. U

[@williamh5646]

The best dod shit is orange but it must be moist.

[@WolfLoverPlays]

His Biological Parents May Not Be Poor, The Biological Parents May Be Emotionally Un-Stable To Take Care Of The Kid So You People Can’t Just Say Give The Biological Family Money And All The Problems Will Be Solved, Also She Should Let The Kid Come Out When He Is Older And Ready Maybe He Doesn’t Want The World To Know He Is Adopted, This Will Cause Her Relationship Problems With Her Son When He Is Old Enough To Understand. Complete And Utter Mistake, So If You Really Feel Like You Want To Talk About His Adoption, Try Talking To A Therapist, And At The End Lady Just Wipe That Smile Of Your Face Because You Shouldn’t Be Proud Of Telling The Whole World That He Is Adopted, It’s His Story To Tell Not Yours Even If You Are The Adoptive Mom, You Don’t See His Adoptive Father Doing That, Because He Doesn't Think The World Should Know, Seriously Man, Not Cool And I’m Saying This From Heart. Trust Me I Know From Experience. I Am Adopted.

[@Rin-ef2tp]

850WolfLover850 Story’s Why DoYou Write Like This? It’s Ridiculous

[@WolfLoverPlays]

Rin615 Because I’m Adopted, And I Can Speak For Those’s That Don’t Have The Voice To Say It. I Know From Experience.

[@relaxandrefocuswithmegan]

Can you please write normally?

[@relaxandrefocuswithmegan]

You are right it's not her story to tell.

[@scrapoff1290]

Rin615 She has experience do you? And even if u do she's just trying to prove a point and I agree with her he could get really upset seeing this I know because a friend has told me how she feels about her adoption. It's not something you should tell to the world and be proud of.

[@d16brown]

Oh great an adoptee in the fog. I couldn't stomach the narcissistic woman's need to feel fulfilled. That kid was ripped away from his family, and culture. You don't have a right to tell your son's story. Ugh.

[@shannonclaire7800]

I’m a gypsy lol

[@John-mf6ky]

This women was part of the sultan of Brunei's concubine 😂

[@ekore6840]

Whats that thing in your nose?

[@garyg6000]

Who cares?

[@dhiller66]

ugh.that poor kid. I'd be very angry if my adoptive mother did this. it is his story to tell. What a self serving boor. Raised 10,000 miles from his mother what a tradegy. Why didn't they just give his family the $25,000 instead of taking him away from his family. This is wrong on so many levels.

[@dhiller66]

The rhetoric hasn't changed that much. I don't want a fairy tale I want my medical history that I don't have and desperately need.

[@roypullin2155]

Why so emo?

[@littlehooch94]

Speaking as an adopted child, I wouldn't care if my parents did this. Birth or adopted. I would be so happy and proud that they chose to use their voice to shine a light on a taboo topic in a positive way. You're not adopted. You don't know how you'd feel.

[@shannonclaire7800]

littlehooch94 ur amazing

[@ailimontague155]

littlehooch94 then I don’t know what you’re thoughts are.