Adopting a child of a different race? Let's talk | Susan Devan Harness | TEDxMileHigh

Every year, thousands of children are adopted by parents of a different race - what we call "transracial adoption." It can provide tremendous benefits, like a higher quality of living & a better education - but a significant psychological toll, too. In this courageous talk, American Indian adoptee Susan Devan Harness shares her own experience & some helpful lessons for prospective adoptive parents. Susan Devan Harness is an American Indian transracial adoptee & a member of the Confederated Salish Kootenai Tribes. Her extensive writing about American Indian assimilation policies & child placement includes Bitterroot: A Salish Memoir of Transracial Adoption, a 2019 Colorado Book Award finalist. She holds an M.A. in Cultural Anthropology & an M.A. in Creative Nonfiction Writing, both from Colorado State University. She loves to travel and has visited all but four U.S. States. She was a seasonal interpretive park ranger with the National Park Service. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@NancyCronk]

I am horrified by what your dad send to you when he was drunk. I am so sorry. You are such a beautiful, intelligent, thoughtful woman. You give us all courage. I have watched hundreds of videos of reunions of adopted kids. Closed adoptions have caused so much pain and suffering. The world needs to understand everyone has a RIGHT to know who they are from the earliest years.

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you, Nancy. My adopted mom used to say "No one should know more about you, thank you!"

[@focusbyhing]

As a TRA I relate a lot to Susan's experiences, up until when we was able to connect and meet her birth family.

[@susanharness6607]

I hope that's a possibility someday, if you'd like to pursue that. Thanks for your comment.

[@maryanncardi]

All adoptees would like to know their culture.....I am white but looked very different (olive skin and brown eyes/hair) my aparents where blond with blue eyes my brother and sister were blond with blue eyes......it was so horrible every one (school/ neighborhood, random people in public)knew and commented that I was adopted. I use to dream about who my mother was. At times I would wonder if Cher was my mother (when I was young). Once I found my bparents I looked like someone.....I had my identity. It was amazing! (a little bit of Italian/ Native American/ Irish and British

[@superfrump07]

She did a very nice job explaining everything. But her example of the Indian woman, Tasha, in New Zealand has a few issues. Because of her native Indian culture, Tasha’s daughter had to be given up for adoption. I think it’s great that her daughter got adopted and also has contact with her birth mother and thus her heritage. However, just because it is one’s culture, doesn’t make it free from criticism. Lest we forget, it was that very culture which made Tasha give up her daughter for fear of excommunication in the first place! So be proud of your heritage, but also, don’t be afraid to criticize and question parts of a culture or heritage that are harmful or incorrect.

[@ossiehalvorson7702]

The moment we make anything above questioning or criticism is the moment we start treading a dangerous path. Humans have come this far socially and technologically because we asked questions and criticized tradition or other ingrained thought processes. Without that, we would become stagnant, if not regressive.

[@karrie3768]

Just what I was thinking!!!

[@DiscordMistake]

I was actually really sad that this is still something we need to talk about, but then I realized that we've come so far in such a short span of time. I've seen so many people in the comment section that are disappointed that we still need to talk about this but remember, we've come so far!

[@englishcloud6299]

I want to adopt in the future and I will definitely not rule out trans racial adoption. And if ever that is the case I want to do it right. I want them to feel pride in their culture. I want them to feel pride and knowledgeable on their history and culture. I want them to feel at home in our culture while also being familiar and passionate about their own. I know this sounds like a utopia but I will try my absolute hardest to make it reality.

[@susanharness6607]

The more you learn, and the more open you are to things outside of the Western way of adoption, the more strength you can provide. It goes beyond photos and letters. Thank you for thinking about this ahead of time! All my best.

[@Dani_1012]

I will do the same. I really want to adopt someday and I wouldn't mind adopting from another country

[@Grace-hi6mx]

Don’t force our culture on us, because some of us don’t want to know an extensive amount. However, some of us have grown up bitter and confused with an ever-looming yearning for even a semblance of our culture in our lives. I’m the latter. It hurts not to know, and not to be wanted by those who look like you, and to also be unwanted by somebody who surrounded you.

[@englishcloud6299]

Grace Stafford that’s a good point also. I don’t want them to feel alienated by British history and culture by over-stressing their own heritage. It’s a delicate balance and one that is difficult to get right and requires a lot of thought.

[@patriciab696]

Live in the community they come from then. Don't trap your child in a world they don't fit into.

[@GyseleTomlinson]

Incredibly relatable. Thank you. My adoptive parents are Dutch and African. I'm Indonesian. I was raised in Washington DC. The world has been extremely unkind. I hope people do serious research before TRA. I'm only saying that because I'm almost 50 now and seriously damaged.

[@nutellachickeee1251]

i just had an argument with my friends about adoption and honestly im here and happy to see that there are many people who have the same belief as me in adoption. they argued that there were people like cinderella who suffered when adopted. people like harry potter. but they never thought about people who have only grown to their fullest potential because someone amazing had decided to give them the chance to.

[@candicezhang8619]

Steven jobs.

[@Professional_444]

Congratulations

[@dananblayde7715]

Great conversation and perspective!!

[@AbelTesfaye_17]

This Is Amazing and I Can relate to your story completely, I lost both of my parents at very young age and grow up in orphanage from the age of 6-11, then I had the opportunity to be adopted to a different race, culture and language in Phoenix Arizona. Thank you for sharing your story

[@leonardmukosi8830]

Phenomenal!

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you so much! A conversation long over-due.

[@chrispinmuhuna6205]

The woman with pure heart ❤

[@mirianansotegi9590]

You're a wonderful speaker😽

[@PHlophe]

mimi, yes she is.

[@CheadleFamily]

That's tough. We should all mix as long as nobody is stepping on our rights. Kids should be able to choose to see one or both parents.

[@silverbat5873]

This talk was eye-opening and inspiring. I have thought a lot about conscious adoption. I never separated closed and open adoption in my mind or realized that open adoption is much more beneficial for the child, especially in trans-cultural adoption. Thank you for this.

[@NightinGal89]

I grew up in a mixed-culture family and understand her pain. I also felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Even within the same race.

[@MaggieTrudeau]

Wonderful presentation and so important

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you so much, Maggie!

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you so much, Maggie.

[@texasgirl73goodjob46]

I LOVE IT❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@trackwalkerfilms]

Always a necessary conversation.

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you.

[@mengistu98]

Thank you !

[@susanharness6607]

Thank you for your message!

[@mikeberray1175]

It's true. You can adopt a child but they remember where they came from.

[@cgriley9643]

wish they'd do one on the trauma of being adopted

[@ricardoxc6731]

I need someone to help me, my ex girlfriend wants to place my child for adoption but as the Biological father I don’t want to but she says that I don’t have the rights or have a say on this, I’ve been working hard and showing her I’m able to raise my child, but she just want me to not be part of my child just because our relationship went down hill, I even told her she can put m on child support but she denied everything and I have No communication with her, but I have the chance to talk to the agency and tommorrow will be the day I’ll talk to the adoptive parents and literally I don’t know if I will say the right things as not to take my baby away, please I need some advice and I’m watching this video and looking for help

[@nel9380]

Ricardo Xc hi there, I honestly couldn’t give you advice in this - I don’t have any idea legal processes of adoption, etc. But I do know one thing: the effort and determination you’ve made to see your daughter will be felt by the adoptive family and, hopefully if or when she’s old enough, to your own child. Hopefully you can read this comment, and I wish the best for you and your endeavors.

[@elipeart]

Ricardo Xc my gosh, this sounds terrible. Unless you are unable to provide and care for your child (and unless there are extenuating circumstances you haven't mentioned) you're parental rights can't be severed just because the mom doesn't want you to be involved with your child. It's you're child. They can't *force* you to give up your rights, no matter how much they may make it sound like your child would be "better off being adopted." Kids should be with their parents unless it's very clearly unsafe for them to do so. Don't let someone make you feel like you don't want what's best for your child if you don't consent to adopt. My husband and I are adopting from foster care and our heart breaks for these kids whom have been ripped from their biological families. Even though it was very clear they were not being cared for and were enduring abuse, a child being taken from/given away by their parents is still traumatic even if the parents were terrible. If you're willing and able to take care of your child then *them* *staying* *with* *you* *is* *the* *best* *thing* *for* *them.* Again, they would have to file a motion with the court to have a judge sever your rights and demonstrate why you're unfit to raise them.

[@ricardoxc6731]

I’ve been showing her that I’m able enough to be there for my child, she told me she just don’t want me to be part of my child and this is the reason why I’m asking for some advice and definitely my last option is going to court and I have what’s necessary I’m stable enough I have profs of showing her that I can raise my baby by my own but I feel like she’s being just heartless and selfish about this and it hurst me so much but I will look forward... and thank you for your words

[@elipeart]

Ricardo Xc I'm so sorry. Again, presuming they're aren't other factors (like you're a drug dealer, or you beat your girlfriend and that's why she doesn't want you around your child), it will not be easy for her to just give your child away. I would encourage you to speak to a lawyer. You can do that through legal aid, or just google "free legal advice in" whatever state you're in. I don't know how old your child is, but there are some seriously sketchy private adoption agencies out there and you wouldn't want to end up in a situation where someone forges documents of you agreeing to the adoption. Better to speak to someone now and try to get ahead of the situation.

[@rachellesmith4726]

Don’t give up! Unless you have criminal records, drug addiction or alcoholic, you have no problem after a long drawn out fight. You need a lawyer that specializes in these cases. Also if your ex wife has done anything illegal or arrested for ? alcoholic, drugs. Left your kids alone, etc tell your lawyer. Speak to your lawyer about getting an easement of you and your children interaction etc . Every bit of evidence helps. It’s an unfortunate situation. Best of best luck.

[@user-fg6hg7ds1v]

So important 💗💗💗

[@dannydeans3378]

Hi

[@junevandermark952]

I've often wondered if some parents adopt children from a different race, to make a point that they are not racially prejudiced. After all, there are lots of children of the same race that need loving homes. I was never inclined to adopt children, as I knew I was not the best of mother material, but had I adopted, it would have been children of my own race, so that the children would feel as "culturally welcomed," as possible.

[@ossiehalvorson7702]

Honestly I think it's more often a sort of a savior complex. They want to feel and be seen like a hero for it, because they see it as about the most honorable/noble things someone can do. You can usually tell because of the way they talk about it. You'll meet them and they'll talk about not their son or daughter, but their adopted (race) son/daughter, who came from such and such horrible background before being so graciously saved by them. Their social media will be absolutely full of posts, pictures, and videos drawing attention to that. There are a lot more signs, but those are the most obvious on a surface level. It usually becomes even more obvious if you get to know their relationship more.

[@junevandermark952]

@@ossiehalvorson7702 Well, most of us do like to believe that we are "saviors," in one way or another. lol ... ego is a formidable beast.

[@ossiehalvorson7702]

@@junevandermark952 You're not wrong, but it's not good for anybody. I know there's no such thing as true altruism because you always get something out of a good deed, even if only feeling good about yourself, but I wish we could at least do these things for the right reason in the first place.

[@junevandermark952]

@@ossiehalvorson7702 No matter what we do in life, it's all about what we believe is in it for ourselves.

[@junevandermark952]

@@murph_mustela Thank you for responding, but the point of my post is ... why adults adopt children from totally different cultures, when there are children in dire need of being adopted in their own cultures.

[@kinkycaptioncrafter9940]

Open adoption is a nice idea but my sister’s biological mother is the one that insisted it not be open

[@janalu4067]

Please consider that if biomom had an abusive partner, this may actually be her way of protecting the child. Her last gift.

[@tobikeeney176]

I am in an interacial marriage with biracial kids. Lucikly we live in my neck of the woods but visit the US a lot, so our kids identify as Nigerian American and have a strong sense of identity as our culture is very accepting of others. However, one is palest of them all and some kids in school always tell him he is white which affects him sometimes, while the darker ones want to be white like daddy. We had to do a lot of education and teaching for them to embrace themselves as unique individuals, but now the older ones are well adjusted while the youngest is still too young to see color the way. older people see it. She is the darkest so only time will tell for her.

[@thawhiteazn]

It seems that someone came into my house and started chopping onions…

[@rebeccakisakye5476]

I really want to be adopted and I live in Uganda and I am willing for any ones offer coz that's my dream to be raised up with a person whom I can call mum coz have Neva seen my birth parents but live in an orphanage in Uganda thanks alot

[@TheYlro]

I am pro African parents adopting caucasian children. So thumbs up.

[@Br0nto5aurus]

It sounds like a lot of the identity issues transracial adoptees face are similar to those potentially faced by mixed race children, particularly when the child is primarily raised by a white parent (eg. a white single mom raising a biracial child). There are people of all races who tell biracial couples that it would be wrong or irresponsible to bring a biracial child into this world knowing the challenges s/he would face in terms of identity and acceptance from both communities. I think that if Ms. Harness had even 4 or 5 Indigenous kids at her school growing up, she may have had a stronger cultural identity forming from a young age, rather than having her estranged culture hit her hardest at a time when she, as an adolescent, was already questioning her place in the world. Not that she wouldn't have faced racism, but that, as she said, she would know someone else who faced the same sentiment. A potential adoptive parent in the U.S. has a 66% chance of adopting a child of color, and it isn't up to an adoptive parent what children need homes at the time. In the cases where, for any number of reasons, a birth parent taking an "active role" in the child's life would be difficult, impossible, illegal, or unhealthy, and it's more of a monthly-update-email-with-a-photo situation, it's still possible to connect a child to their heritage by finding an open community willing to engage, or (possibly more practical) finding relevant language, food, dance, and culture classes. Just because it doesn't come naturally, doesn't mean you can't take steps to enrich your child's sense of culture and heritage, they'll only be better for it.

[@janalu4067]

I'd be so scared if the child's family was abusive 🥺 She makes good points, and all of her stories are about 'normal' people. But what if you're adopting from foster care, where the child is up for adoption because of abuse? You don't just hand the child over for a weekend visit; that would be insane. Right?

[@LMVG2233]

That is my concern. My adopted granddaughter came from a pair of drug dealers who were frequently jailed. She was born at 26 weeks and weighed one pound. After being born, she was in the NICU for 5 months and was visited by her mother about 5 times. My son and daughter-in-law were able to bring her home only because they knew how to give her the specialized care she needed. They adopted her nearly two years later. She is beautiful, very bright, has a delightful personality, and continues to deal with the very mild effects of her premature birth. Her birth family lives in the same small town and wants to see her. By the way, she is a transracial adoptee. We are afraid to engage with them. Her two brothers are being cared for by other birth family members.

[@johannachesshir8218]

This is making me cry, I would be honored to have the opportunity to show a child love, whatever race they are. The ability to love someone who is different than you is just an awesome feeling.

[@Me-gq6xe]

yes but it's not about what the adoptive parents want or how it feels. Adoption, guardianship, and bringing an especially nonwhite child into a white family, every decision if possible needs to be about them, and people "wanting" to adopt rarely are willing or realize that what that child deserves

[@johannachesshir8218]

@@Me-gq6xe yes

[@johannachesshir8218]

Why r u arguing like i said something contradictory to that

[@GoldenLigerZero]

Yeah I wanna adopt, I know I’m young but I honestly wanna be a parent and make a child happy having a father, regardless of them being adopted or another race than me, I know that adoption is a big step but I know I’m ready to make the step, especially since I helped take care of my little cousins, watching them grow up made me want kids of my own, even if I’m this young, my parental instincts kicked in at a young age once I started watching my little cousins at the age of 10, I wanna give a child the chance to have someone who genuinely loves and cares about them, even if said parent is another race then the child, I’m 21 and I want kids of my own but even if they’re adopted.

[@SerenaStylex]

This is good and all but coming from a racial adopte you want to try and tell your child about where they came from and if they r interested in there culture educate them and yourself. My parents didn’t do this for me leaving me with identity issues and it’s a struggle still

[@Me-gq6xe]

I can understand where you come from and I think you have really great intentions but this entire paragraph you wrote is about you, what you want, and what you think. No one has the right to another person's child, so just keep being curious about the way you view adoption. Its a trauma; no child should lose a mother or father. Even if you give them the best home ( which you sound lovely) there is so much trauma that child will go through

[@Me-gq6xe]

I love this video but some of these comments are unintentionally so selfish. I want this, I want a child, because I want, I have always wanted, I'll do this because I want them to have this, I'll do it right, I've always been interested in. I I I I I...... As much as its hard to separate yourself its not about the adoptive parents, it's about the traumatized child that has lost their mother and father. Keep that perspective

[@donbailey831]

If some ideas are better than others and some beliefs are better than others and culture is a collection of ideas and beliefs then some cultures are better than others

[@DOOMbyach]

As a person who is going to adopt, and not caring for the child's ethnicity I thought I would find this video more eye opening, I just found it bias middle onward, it's clear the lady didn't have the best experience but she can't use that as a base for all trans-racial adoptions. We have some friends who were adopted and their parents put efforts into learning about their bio culture and also with the technology now and people being more open minded I can just hope this video will not discourage people from adopting trans-racial children (Im from Poland and my partner is from Britain so we live diversely anyway)

[@patriciab696]

This video just didn't say what you wanted it to say. There is nothing bias about it. Transracial adoption is not good for the child. Good luck though ❤

[@DOOMbyach]

Patricia B I know people who were transracial adoptees and they had and have a great life. This video is very bias and shows a single case that has happened to her but makes it out like this is the instance for everybody

[@patriciab696]

@@DOOMbyach I am a transracial adoptee that had a wonderful life too. That doesn't negate the fact that it's not good for the child. I would know because I lived it. This lady knows because she lived it. Separating children from their families is traumatizing and has life long affects on the child. I urge you to listen to the people who lived through it so you can at least understand the challenges you will face as a mother. Good luck. I wish the best for you and your family.

[@addiec4801]

Firstly, Polish and British are not races and aren’t really “diverse”, so if you’re adopting an adoptee of another race (assuming you’re white), it will have a whole set of complicated issues that come with it. Being an adoptee does not equal having a good life. I was adopted by some amazing people and I love my family, but sometimes there’s challenges that they don’t know how to deal with like racial identity and racism. A lot of the times, what an adoption looks like on the outside is not what it really is to an adoptee or their family.

[@sobeliever1638]

@@DOOMbyach I would just say it is her experience and truth. Every adoptee has their own story. It is harder to be transracially adopted(really hard for some adoptees more than others) and it is hard to be adopted period. It just adds another layer of complexity.

[@sr2291]

It is called being exiled.

[@mariehill8734]

I wanna adopt but only AA children

[@BellissimaBellissimo]

what does AA mean

[@nkoistrash]

I really hate how white adoptive parents go out of their way to erase their adoptive kids of a different ethnicity. It's so sad tbh. Culture is sooo important for everyone's identity and should be celebrated and respected.

[@ripx5848]

Where did you hear that? Many dont do that at all, and try keeping the Childs culture intact as much as possible. we made it a point to talk to birthmother and ask about holidays, recipes, traditions, and any other specific thing she wanted to make sure we passed onto her, as well as well as general research on our own. Many adoption agencies encourage this, and many also require reading certain books that deal with culture and trans racial adoption so the adoptive parents understand that they arent just adopting a baby, but also the culture and ethnicity that come with it. Sad that a couple of any race would do that to their child.

[@marydye812]

My adoption papers changed my race. It wasn’t their fault though. My parents loved me and did their best for me, but they had no clue what it meant to adopt a child of color. Adoption should require classes, on adoption trauma, culture identity, family tie preservation. Did you know in the US the adoption system was designed by a serial killer. If a child didn’t get adopted fast enough or was handicapped or sick, molasses and water in the bottle. She died 2 weeks before her murder trial started.

[@ripx5848]

great video. Luckily, in america, Open adoption has been the norm for many years now. The child knows who the birth parents are from a very young age and unless there is a security or safety issue, they grow up knowing that. Me and my wife are in the adoption process now and they told us from the beginning that that is what we should expect. If you are adopting trans racially, it is also your responsibility to educate yourself on the culture that the child is coming from. It is not your job to convert them to your culture, it is your job to make sure they understand and know all about theirs. Open adoption can be a wonderful thing. Parents adopted and birth, know each other at least on a first name basis, send pictures and usually even have visits every year. Happily, This isn't 30 years ago when the child was taken and no one ever knew anything. I can totally see her view because it probably was like that when she was young, but I am very glad that adoption is not like that anymore.

[@marydye812]

Open adoption is absolutely not the norm. And even I’m cases where the adoption is “open” most close by the time the child is five. It’s not legally binding. Private adoption in America is human trafficking. The system needs to be overhauled. It’s legal to REHOME an adopted child on Facebook. The laws are insane once you really look at them.

[@carriejones6693]

Open adoption is not always an option. My son's birth parents are drug addicts who only wanted contact with him if we would send them money.

[@marydye812]

The fact your on you tube telling his(not your) story is problematic.

[@sd7785]

@@marydye812 Surely silencing other people's stories is the "problematic" thing here? Carrie Jones is their son's parent, so it's just as much their story as their sons

[@marydye812]

@@sd7785 this the the problem with adoption. Everyone pretend it’s exactly like having a biological child and it is not. Every adoption begins with trauma. Some how some way a family failed. The adopted child’s first family for what ever reason has failed. That is his story to tell or NOT to tell. He has a different family now but her family never failed in fact expanded and is doing well enough to accept a child who needed help. That’s great but it doesn’t change the fact that child has a past she was not a part of she has no right to be speaking on in a public forum. People should have to have some of education on adoption trauma before they are allowed to adopt. She means well I’m sure but I can name five major ways that comment is going to Re-traumatize that kid if he ever reads it, and three that are damaging even if he doesn’t. It’s now her duty to protect him, she’s unclear on all that entails.

[@sobeliever1638]

Am assuming western religion was in reference to Christianity which is odd since Christianity is practiced all over the world and followed by many non western people. The first Christians were Jews in the Middle East.

[@TheLily97232]

they whitewashed christianity to the point where Jesus is now white I guess.....

[@marydye812]

Are you aware how much turmoil not being Christian has caused native Americans. Is this really the place to be proselytizing. Religious trauma is a thing.

[@patriciab696]

Poor self esteem Isolation Lack of role models Sounds awesome!

[@NightinGal89]

I would adopt a native american, and I live in Eastern Europe. Lol

[@sobeliever1638]

If there are no native amercians in your community would that be a good idea?

[@alicjakrag313]

So if you want all benefits of being a parent but no responsibilitis just put them to open adoption. I don't buy it though

[@DOOMbyach]

Alicja Krag no wayyyy it’s far more complicated than that, she was just trying to emphasise her point with a pinch of lies. The video wasn’t completely honest in the best of times

[@avikazak655]

Lower people will always be lower people

[@amosdeanludwig3135]

You're not your race, we only feel that way because we live in a culture of identity politics

[@TheLily97232]

you're so smart

[@sharkcat3001]

I’m a transracial adopty and to an extent it does matter.

[@edwinamendelssohn5129]

@@sharkcat3001 only if you hyper focus on it.

[@evastephan9441]

I'm afraid that in the current hype for ethnic identity people are fixing every goddam negative experience they have on race and ethnicity. I can perfectly relate to her childhood stories. One of the few distinct memories from my time in first grade was when someone told me "but you are Lutheran, you're in the wrong class". I can remember to feel unwanted since I knew that my parents originally wanted to divorce. I also remember that I just didn't meet their expectations, they wanted a nice girl, not this gloomy, rebellious monster they got. And I remember all to well how I always felt that I was not belonging to the other kids at school or any given group of teenagers, and that my cultural background ment nothing to me and how I was longing for the knowledge of other non-Western cultures. - But I was just a white girl in my own white family. It was just the fault of my introvert character, the gaucherie of my classmates, the character flaws of my parents. And the innate flaw in human nature to despise what they have and long for what they don't.

[@Lena-xz1xw]

To me as a German this whole "race-thing" is so confusing. I guess it's just not a thing here to distinguish between races. Sure, racism sadly still exists here, but in school were thought that there's no such thing as human races.

[@Lena-xz1xw]

@@sruthi671 I see people suffering. I do. I don't say there's no racism, I'm just convinced that if we got the idea of races out of everybody's head we could all live together peacefully. Of course that's unrealistic. But still it feels wrong to talk about races because in school we are taught that there are no races. And the thing with the jews... That's why nobody talks about races in Germany anymore. So something as horrible as this won't happen again. We are taught that the race-ideology of the nazis was wrong. So they don't teach us races.

[@PHlophe]

​@@Lena-xz1xw Ach je , Kusine Lena , also was soll den dass eh ? so because you can't see racism it means it ceased to exist .

[@j.b.thestoryteller2229]

I’m a transracial adoptee and I pray that this woman doesn’t deter anyone from adopting a child of a different race. For her to think her adopted parents weren’t her real parents, is highly offensive and closed minded, always focusing on color never the person. Wtf

[@s.sumbrella7616]

I'm in between just going childfree or adopt and this makes me so worried that if i do decide to adopt that i wouldn't be able able to give them what they need

[@NeekBlack]

If you’re going to adopt a child of color it’s your responsibility as a parent to try and keep them connected to their culture. She’s not white, her experiences are different than her white parents and that’s okay. It’s only offensive if you have a savior complex and you feel as though she should be happy they wanted her in the first place

[@patriciab696]

Those aren't her real parents. Why play make believe? They are her adopted family. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that. It's totally natural for people to want to be with their biological family.

[@addiec4801]

Patricia B You can call them her real parents. Just because you have birth parents does not make them your real parents, nor does having adoptive parents make them your real parents. It all depends.

[@thaddeus420]

Did you not hear what her adopted father said to her? I would disown my own birth parents for doing that AND Native children were forcefully placed with white people to colonize them.

[@balduran2003]

This video should be subtitled. "How I justify my soft racism by exploiting sympathy for my experiences with racism against me."

[@cherwynambuter7873]

Are you, by any chance, an adoptive parent of transracial adopted child? If you are, your comment is an completely understandable defense mechanism. The truth can sometimes hurt us, especially when we acted out of ignorance and didn’t know what our child’s needs were. The psychology of adoption has come a very long way as research has finally begun to be performed into adoptees to see what helps them thrive the best. If you have messed up out of ignorance, you need to forgive yourself. My parents had a “failed adoption” with a 6yo. child who had been abused and in 5 separate foster homes by the time he came to our family. He was never able to emotionally attach to us despite lots of effort and love. We also didn’t know that when he was acting out, he was actually crying out for love and a sense of permanence, testing the strength of our commitment to him. Now we know what was happening; but back then, my parents disciplined him, thinking he was being “bad” when he tried to provoke. They were determined not to “give him back” as all the foster families did, so they finished raising him. But he has little to do with us and so it didn’t create the permanent family bonds families who adopt long and expect to create. Adoption psychology is very real and the problems inherent in it are very real. I’m so glad to have landed in my adoptive family, my parents have been nothing short of amazing and a great blessing. Nevertheless, the primal wound does exist (see book by Nancy Verrier or KZbin lecture on Adoption and Addiction by Paul Sunderland). Transracial adoptions in which the child isn’t steeped in their own culture possess an extra layer of issues for the child to sort out. It doesn’t matter that you don’t want it to be so; it just is so. If you adopted a transracial child but didn’t know their needs to identify with their biological culture, you need to have a talk with them and tell them you didn’t know, that you’re so sorry, and that you hope they can forgive you. And that right now, you want to make a start to celebrating their biological culture because now you realize how vital that is to them and their identity. If you did a good job building their character, they’ll forgive you and love you even more than before for having the courage to acknowledge this to them. Or if they feel uncomfortable acknowledging to you that they had needs you didn’t meet, they might tell you it’s not a problem at all and they were happy the way they were raised, and suppress any expression of their gratitude for your words. But privately, it’ll help them. Then you can begin right where you are in the timeline of their life to learn about and celebrate their ethnic culture and maybe even learn the language of their ancestors with them to walk this journey hand-in-hand and demonstrate your true concern and solidarity. Ask them if they’d like to learn this language with you as a way of connecting to their ancestral heritage. Their answer might surprise you!