THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME: Compassion & Accountability

[@corneliahanimann2173]

Something I regularly do with people that talk to me.and seem stuck in a mental cycle of trying to logic their shame out of the picture, is tell them about the things I am ashamed of. I have been abusive before, toxic and manipulative and I could not start working on these things before I also adressed the fear of being all these things. When I open up to people about the ways I have been a shitty person, they have an easier time opening up about the ways in which they have sucked...so then we at least for a moment suck together, before we hahe to face the fact that we eventually still have to keep going in life, so...we discuss what we will do about these things and how we can suck less. This has led to a handful of the most authentic friendships I have, where we contact eachother because we give eachother the space to reflect in our darkest and most disgusting personality traits and eventually choose to be better because we actually all deep down don't want to be this way either.

[@AnaPsychology]

Absolutely! Modeling healthy accountability can be so refreshing for people that aren't used to it.

[@leovolont]

Whoa! Cornelia, you don't have to invent things to be ashamed of. What you are calling Abusive, well, that could just mean that you are assertive with people you feel responsible for. Toxic means that somebody might find your Assertiveness uncomfortable for their own shameful selves, and being Manipulative would be called Persuasive if only we are kind to ourselves. But I suppose the Left coming in with it's New Virtues also imposes upon the Ideological Herd a new set of Shames and New Crosses to bear.

[@ImLehwz]

Let's fucking go!

[@avertingapathy3052]

​​@@leovolontIn all fairness some traditional values bring about shame as well particularly being assertive to a parent who is crossing your boundaries. The left is just creating a toxic repressive neovictorian atmosphere which is bad enough but one can easily be labeled as abusive or ungrateful for asserting firm boundaries and displaying righteous anger around dysfunctional family members. Now you can try to logic and reframe that standing up to them isn't toxic which it isn't objectively, just trying to logic out your limbic brain as the main defense doesnt help becauase its stronger but social supoort and venting gives you more control for next time when they try to push your buttons.

[@coraluz3247]

This is genius really. So very not the way society goes right now but what could really help heal us all. Thank you for sharing and being you. Connecting deeply with another person is sometimes even more healing than the meds we’re taking. We need someone who really gets us and understands. And then together, we take steps forward and heal and overcome the things that brought us down. people can change in rehabilitate. It takes understanding, and compassion. We never know where behaviors actually came from.

[@thewindupsweetheart]

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source; true humility is the only antidote to shame." - Iroh

[@Aynshtaynn]

The title reminds me of uncle Iroh. "Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame." To think of it, accountability is a part of humility; and compassion, in most cases is a result of it. Iroh is right as usual 😁 I don't know if I'm a bad person, as half the people I meet hate me but the other half like me to some extent, but at least I try to look within myself to see if I do anything wrong, constantly. While I don't always see anything wrong, the fact that I look for it counts for something, right? I stumbled upon your channel today, and I'm here to stay.

[@Kekekepeeps]

Quoting Avatar will always make you valid 😌

[@lt3746]

Can never go wrong with Iroh

[@KELSEYYYYY]

My subjective opinion is that NOONE is bad, and that EVERYONE makes mistakes. Sometimes we make small mistakes, sometimes we make big ones. Sometimes we do it subconsciously, sometimes we do it consciously. Sometimes we're in a dark place and questioning who we are, what are morals are, and what the meaning of life is, and it leads us to experiment in behaviors that don't define who we really are.

[@divinegon4671]

Wrong. Hitler is like really bad

[@KELSEYYYYY]

@@divinegon4671 you are absolutely incorrect. Hitler did bad things. He did very bad things. He himself is not a bad human, there is no such thing as a bad human, his actions are what is bad.

[@divinegon4671]

Anytime says anything good about hitler we should medicate them and put them in a hospital

[@alisonmercer5946]

Yeah i think some people are bad and they are irredeemable. Like hitler, as someone mentioned. Id say serial killers. otherwise I agree and a lot of people are written off as bad awful people when they really need help

[@personneici2595]

Well said!

[@m.l.b.2908]

I still remember the huge lightbulb moment I had in rehab once upon a time. Our male counsellor was taking the group and he simply said "Guilt is I did something shit, shame is I am shit". That led to a huge breakthrough for me and was so instrumental in helping me start that process of gaining a more realistic perspective on my thoughts and behaviour. Of all the myriad things I learned there in those 2 months, that is one I've come back to time and again. I even break it down like that in my work in mental health and addictions now. I've never met a single person who could not understand the difference once I repeated those words.

[@Scarage21]

For me, my shame is less about feeling guilty or being a bad person, and more a fear of being disgusting to other people, which is sadly something people have ingrained in me in childhood. Not sure if you just didn't address this aspect of shame, or if i'm actually misinterpreting my feelings as shame. E.g. I feel ashamed of being nearly 30 with barely any relationship experience. Nothing about this makes me a bad person. But it makes me think people will think less of me, hence I instinctively feel the need to hide it. And ironically this feeling is also what keeps me from committing to relationships when I do get the opportunity... Edit: Maybe a relevant follow up: I've finally figured out what my issue is. I discovered I'm pretty much the perfect example of someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style. No issues I have come from shame, I've just interpreted my feelings of unending distrust in myself, as well as everyone else, and the resulting behaviours from it, as shameful. Since the moment I understood this I've also lost any fear of speaking about the fact that I've been wanting a girlfriend for 15 years now, and am just not able to get one. Because it was simply never my fault to begin with. It's a hard pill to swallow but even just within this one week I've become a different person thanks to this understanding. So to all of you: keep looking for your answers, they are somewhere out there. And I highly recommend using Heidi Priebes videos to figure out your attachment style. Really changed my views on every issue I have. Best regards

[@dakine4238]

My mom would shame and make me feel bad about myself and not good enough. It still hurts and I feel shame to this day. Looking back I wasn't doing anything wrong.

[@jmfs3497]

"Part of being accountable is not making other people responsible for your emotional pain". Great observation. I feel like this is part of why Grey Rocking becomes important in toxic relationships. Part of it is being non-reactive to someone projecting their shame onto you, and part of it is being non-reactive to your own triggers. It might be unjust, but learning to let go of any personal shame of not being able to please another person's shame is a core boundary.

[@alwang9690]

Guilt is regret. Shame is labeling something with intent to demean or ridicule. Shame can be useful as well. Instead of participating in the dehumanizing process of shaming people, we should be shaming actions instead. It's no longer "Bob stole. Bob is dishonest." Instead, it should be, "Bob stole. That was a dishonest thing that Bob did." By shaming his action, we can leave Bob room to grow. Perhaps with further reflection, he will turn that shameful part of his life into a passionate-yet-controlled hatred of dishonesty. Whatever happens, it will be leagues better than leaving that emotional mark upon Bob's name. Good on you, Ana. The world needs people like you.

[@CynicalIndulgence]

"Holding someone accountable is not a hatecrime" - a truth too oft forgotten.

[@ZinniaGulden]

Ana- I’m a CSA survivor and I don’t know a life without shame. So Im learning. Everything you say in every video you make resonates with me so well. You carry yourself so beautifully and elegantly. You have a mystery to you that I rarely see in people. You call out bullshit, but still have endless compassion to give. You’re a truth teller. I can’t wait to see where you go in your career and in life because I know it’ll be far 💗💗💗

[@cloveskiwis]

Honestly, sometimes I feel shame gives people an easy way out and a possibility to not feel guilt. By saying "oh I'm just such an awful person" they make things about themselves, and you feel bad for seeing them suffer from their own shame. Although they SHOULD feel ashamed and they should make up for hurting you. I think only guilt can be a powerful catalyst for change. This is, obviously, only if they can reflect and acknowledge the consequences of their actions. From "I am so bad, I can never change" to "Yes, I did something bad and here's how I will do better in the future". When my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, all I got was him crying in shame. This took away from MY pain and even though I was angry AF, I felt like I had to cater to HIS needs and acknowledge his pain more than mine.

[@m2pozad]

So you are mad that he did not care to work on the relationship? If so, your anger response suggests why he was moving-on.

[@cloveskiwis]

@@m2pozad Nope, what I was saying is, that while I tried and meet him where he was and extend empathy towards him and his struggle, this made it difficult for me to process my own emotions. He did care to work on the relationship, that's why he felt so bad about what he did and also why he cried out of embarrassment. All I'm saying is that I would have preferred him to take ownership of his mishap and give me space to feel what I needed to feel.

[@cloveskiwis]

@@m2pozad Maybe I should have been more clear in that while I felt angry on the inside I felt there was no space for me to let it out or - what would have been even better - let myself be sad over what happened

[@m2pozad]

@@cloveskiwis Bingo, to letting yourself feel sad.

[@zero0o0o0oo0o0o]

Thanks for speaking on this subject.

[@cowoverthemoo]

Keeping me balanced. When my emotions are overwhelming I come here.

[@larazamora800]

You make such a great point Ana. When I was sitting in front of my beloved friend’s murderer in court, I had this odd sensation. I felt bad for him. He did an awful thing, yes, and it also doesn’t change the fundamentals of humanity and compassion. We are all capable of good and bad. Thank you for your video

[@abiomer415]

Thank you Anna, I would love to see videos about , parent-child relationships where the parents are toxic and have narcissist tendencies and unwilling to talk about anything. I guess how to cope with that and keep yourself less anxious and stressed about it. Because you can't completely cut the relationship due to cultural and religious norms . And how to cope with the fact that parents have favourites and won't stand with the one in the right but who they like.

[@kotrinaxoxo777]

my notes while watching this video : ☆ Every emotion is valid and serves a function, including shame that it's the heaviest one... it makes you feel completely wrong and bad, it rots your mind, there's a need to let it go. But there are cases that it's the opposite. Sometimes this shook and shame could help you awake, but isn't meant to be there forever, how could you move if nothing changes in your life? An example could be the feeling some people get after gossiping, we feel shame and disgust for our actions and must learn to quit that for the better good. There are more heavy cases where shame could be useful too but let's not forget that you don't deserve it, you receive it to learn because you deserve to grow in a better you. There are branches to explain another cases, not only shame; it could be remorse, guilt... ☆ The worst way to deal with shame or anything negative is trying to bury it, I understand that sitting with your discomfort it's hard and unpleasant but eventually you will realize that sitting with yourself it's the way that makes you grow. Let's do math, - (the problem) - ( temporary uncomfort) = + (growth). ☆ If growth it's avoided it may turn them in narcissist. They manipulate (ex. victim mindset) in attempt of recieving comfort, they fear sitting with themselves and found it hard to tolerate themselves. ☆ Compassion is included to everyone, even abusers. We can't pick and choose, neglect and be egoistical with them even if we consider them bad people. It may be logical to stay away from them until they heal but still have compassion because everyone deserves it in equal ways.

[@robbiewatson1577]

Wow, this was weirdly specific. "I am an awful person." That phrase - that's exactly how I describe this feeling to people. I have come to realise shame and guilt are the two emotions that I am prone to and have gradually figured out why this is. It's strange how little people in general seem to be aware of with regards to these two, I've found...it's like they're not recognised as what they are - I think sometimes they become enmeshed with a nebulous notion of 'anxiety' or some such ... anyway, thanks a lot for the video!

[@SageAvalon]

I think shame doesn't necessarily only exist on the scale of feeling like you're an "overall bad person". People can feel ashamed for the action itself too.

[@RayBill7]

"Every emotion has a function", that's something useful to keep in mind. Even the worst feelings are a self preservation alarm that we can use to develop a better life for us and our loves ones. We can discover true value in accountability and even feel gratitude in the worst moments, using them to become stronger and grow with adversity

[@DoodleBoon]

I'm so glad you brought up abusers 🙏

[@widyakhrisantimontoliang8684]

anna, thank u again for your content. i don't know how many times u actually "saved my life" with ur content. thank u!

[@varnishyourboard]

I feel deep shame for not being more successful and not living up to my potential. It's debilitating and my life will continue to be "on hold" until I become a better capitalist. Ugh.

[@limazulu6192]

I feel guilt when i do something immoral. I feel shame when I don't live up to the expectations i put on myself. I feel socially threatened when others would judging me. But my guilt and shame are completely independent on outside factors.

[@Lukas-xb7cx]

The shame definition is kinda interesting because I never connected shame with morals at all. Like , I'm not ashamed for being a bad guy, I'm ashamed of not being hot enough, not being successful enough, not being charismatic enough etc. I never was ashamed of doing "bad" things I was ashamed of doing "cringe" things or of just not succeeding in things.

[@hund4440]

The way i know it shame is what you describe and guilt is related to morality.

[@NoThing-wc3cs]

I couldn’t relate to you more. Never a thing with morality, just never thought I was good enough.

[@BaritoneMonkey]

The way I always understood it was that shame was about identity, rather than about action. I did bad = guilt I AM bad (and therefore are not worthy of love and belonging to a group) = shame

[@marte1376]

Very interesting. I don't think this is the video or what you're experiencing is shame or maybe is complex. You just don't fitted in the kind of person you want to be but not regretful of doing what you've done. I don't think that's what Anna is refering to.

[@roxyskittens]

The cat is the sweetest! Thanks for these videos, we learn a lot and they're very useful!

[@cooking.with.catholicism]

Hey Ana, great video as always. I'd like to see more research on shame in relation to Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors. people who suffer from BFRBs usually keep it to themselves because they consider it a shameful thing. I have been a hair puller since 2018 and only 3 people that are really close to me know about it. My family does not even know. And that is mostly because I'm ashamed of the condition. And I'm scared of being shunned out if anyone finds out. So I this k it's important to shed light on how one can get over that shame, because it becomes a loop where you feel shameful, and that shame fuels your anxiety, and that anxiety leads to self harm, in my case, hair pulling. Thanks again!!!

[@jasminealiara3257]

I'd like to see an in-depth analysis about whether or not married people are actually happier, statistics on what types of people marry nowadays, and whether or not the institution is becoming a thing of the past. Certain minorities are penalized for marrying (like disabled people, for example). Is marriage equality worth fighting for, or is it best for those populations to remain single?

[@AnaPsychology]

That's a great suggestion!

[@a23oj28]

Or should we also recognize different forms of relationships?

[@jujutsucryin3256]

I was hoping this video would enlighten me on how I need to go about the shame I've been feeling. I'm ashamed of the decisions I've made when I was with someone I didn't feel comfortable telling no and went along with things that I shouldn't have, including sexually and doing so stomped on my morals and boundaries. I also don't understand why I have sexual shame after being with this person. I'm afraid of meeting someone again having that conversation about my previous relationship and then them not wanting anything to do with me because I have had sex. I'm scared of the thought that they will think I'm used even though I've only been with one person.

[@schokoladenjunge1]

Hey, I'm not in any way qualified to talk about the public shaming women face in this regard. But I know this: There is no sane person with compassion for you who could judge you for having had sex before. If anything, if they heard your story they would feel compassion for you. And perhaps help you overcome the trauma this previous experience has done with you.

[@lora4624]

I completely understand you, i am in the same boat as well. The thing is its not really our fault and this behavior can be traced back to childhood influences from others. We r convinced its our "fault" for neglecting our boundaries but really its the result of negative brain programming. Long topic but its worth studying its helped me at least a little!

[@jokerpilled2535]

@@schokoladenjunge1 if a person doesn’t wanna deal with your baggage, that is not their responsibility. Everybody has freedom to choose what kind of partner they want.

[@schokoladenjunge1]

@@jokerpilled2535 Calling this 'baggage' is disrespectful to the person, in my opinion. Of course if you don't want to be with them, that's a choice you can make. But in becoming someone's partner, you also want to take them seriously as a whole, which includes their past. And if it really does come to the question of whether a partner cares about you having had a sex life before them, I think it goes into the realm of trying to control them.

[@pogboy537]

don't do it again. That's all you have to do.

[@tapedpopsicle]

The fact that you put out any videos at all is a blessing. I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't mind you taking the time you need when you need it. That's a very good discipline to have. Thanks, Ana!😁

[@Neo24931]

Hey Anna, have you done a video on severe depression about the world and its future? The impact of politics, wars, climate concerns, believing that the world is going a shit and that it cannot get any better? There's a lot of apathy there and feeling like the color is stripped from life.

[@gesundheitoh520]

Absurdism

[@christopherlai3552]

Thank you for making this video! I have been journalling on these things the past week, and how my shame reactions are often a lot bigger than the actual event itself. I’ve been practising compassion that “good people make mistakes too” 🙂

[@mindyhua8299]

This is gold! Thank you so much for making this. ❤

[@mayumayudreams]

I would love an indepth video about self compassion!

[@hioncloud9]

Thank you so much. I am currently in process of more inner work. Your videos have helped me a lot. In my experience, it's when I started to be more compassionate with myself and have taken accountability for all the doings, emotions, feelings and reactions I have that I started to feel a lot more grounded and calm. I was overly anxious most of my life. Inner work for me is so taxing, it requires a lot of conscious and deliberate effort, but it is definitely rewarding. So once again, thank you so much. Your content is a great help. ☺️

[@zhilahaghbin4766]

Thanks Ana, I really enjoyed this, we all can relate but "to have compassion for the abuser", is whole can of worm opening and one need to reflect on what it might means ,and how to convey "ones compassion towards their abuser in a sincere manner" is an art in the process of discovery. The true concept of having compassion may be staying in abuser's life and supporting them which is a risky behavior. so sometimes, just wishing them peace and content is all you can do from a distance and understanding that everyone makes mistake and relating to this regardless of the nature of mistake may be helpful.

[@josevigil4233]

Thank you so much. Your videos always invite us to improve through the trust that we have the strength to do so. I've been reading about self-transcendence (in a philosophical sense), and it all narrows down to love! And, as you explain in the video, that means being accountable for our mistakes. To respect ourselves is to be brave enough to accept what we have done and believe we can become the person our values tell us to be. Truthfulness and responsibility are synonyms for love.

[@mekman4]

Thank you for all of your advice.

[@stellastella4418]

Anna, may you talk about child brain development, what needs specifically child brain has and how to cover deficits yourself in adulthood?

[@m2pozad]

The legal system judges bad behavior, but also tries to prevent it. Repeat offenses speak for themselves. Healthy shame attunes us to behave better than our 'bad' impulses. Criminals lack this feedback. Toxic shame disrupts healthy shame and creates all sorts of mayhem within the individual and their behaviors. At least this is my view while reading, Healing The Shame That Binds You.

[@Alicia-ns4cc]

Thank you so much for setting things straight!

[@leovolont]

Good Morning Ana, On my own channel I consider that Evolution was more selecting for the Survival of the Group than for it's Individuals. So, yes, when the Group is seen as the focal point for evolutionary considerations, then Shame makes a lot more sense. You see, the Group needs to do nothing, and the Shameful Individuals administer their own punishment. Really, Ana, we must respect that Society determines what is shamefully wrong for some ultimately very practical reasons, and the needs of the Group outweigh that of the Individuals.

[@lilymulligan8180]

A really interesting perspective, thanks for sharing!

[@Connorthecatsdad]

Nothing makes me angrier than hearing "you can tolerate the shame."

[@aliceh6978]

so eloquently and truthfully stated. thank you ana!

[@JennyBesserit]

I think that shame is normal and healthy emotion that (in an emotionally healthy person) guides our social conduct and our decision making. I think that people shouldn't strive to feel less shame unless they have an unhealthy relationship with shame. I think most people just need to understand that everyone else feels just as much shame as they do and that there is a sort of comfort in knowing that

[@TheVegan6]

Thank you for this, you explain it really well

[@wyntermarie6034]

Hi Anna, I love your videos. On Thanksgiving weekend I took a trip to the beach and just had your videos playing on the 3 hour road trip. I was wondering can you talk about corporal punishment and how kids are affected by it.

[@elpapirodependiente6059]

Ana, I just found your channel and I think that thanks to your work and the things you explain I'll be able to change some bits of my behaviour for the better. It makes me happy :)

[@anotherenclosedlivingbeing1989]

Thank you Ana, this video helped me in the moment i needed it the most ❤

[@Star-dj1kw]

😂love the kitty 🐈‍⬛ intro

[@Dad_Brad]

I like the way you are speaking very clear or maybe a little more slowly than in old videos. I’m not sure I fully understand why there are so many jump cuts, but I do my best to ignore it.

[@elishalovely88]

Thank you so much for the amazing video again! I loved how you clarified the definition of shame, and explored different important aspects of it… As someone with BPD I often struggle with shame and splitting. (Going hours or days believing me or someone I love is only good, or bad.) So at times this video was a little hard for me to grasp. 😅 Like you said coming to a balanced conclusion that humans are much more complex and there is tons of gray area is the real truth. My question is though how do I truly forgive myself for the awful things I have said or done? The only things I have been able to greet myself with forgiveness for took 5+ years of compassion at least. Is time perhaps the only key, are we deserving of feeling equal parts shame to the pain we have caused others?

[@miexysroom]

I have BPD too! Have you ever reached out to the people you wronged? during my recovery, the only way I stopped myself overthinking was reaching out, admitting my faults, saying it wasnt okay, asking if you can repair/ help in the repair and apologising... at least we have done our part. Sometimes all a person wants is an apology or for you to come forward, just for reparations. I still got a list of people I got to apologise to for being the confused teen I was... Shame keeps us hiding in the shadows. We think that's better, when it may cause the other person more pain. I notice us BPD peeps try to take accountability by sanitizing the situation so as to "never repeat it again" and shaming ourselves or shutting down parts of us but I learned that increased distance in my relationships and I always repeat it again. Even if you dont do that, you may repeat it again. Purely because you're a human trying to live and nobody will ever be morally perfect. It was learning to be human, forgive yourself, take accountability but most importantly knowing that it's okay to be less than noble, less than selfless, less than nice and polite, less than wonderful, less than amazing, less than morally righteous... i think we can do something called shadow work for this. Lots of love. We may be messed up, and we need to clean our mess up for sure, but our past also must have been really messed up to end up this way. I wish you the best and you can continue this thread to ask me more questions on BPD recovery

[@lilymulligan8180]

Also consider: good vs. bad are simply arbitrary human constructs. There are equal numbers of people out there who will think you're a shitty person for doing something you did, as there are people who will hail you as a hero. See: Nazis, internet echo chambers, two-party politics... I think the best way to go is to just know your own values and do your best to live by them. If you know your own values, and other people try to shame you because their values are incompatible with yours, then you know that you don't have to take their criticism to heart.

[@jennifersilves4195]

If we sat around with our deepest shames exposed we'd be embarrassed at how mundane our concerns are.

[@helens-u6606]

Such a good video! I hope people will benefit from watching it attentively!

[@oliviaboules8591]

Wow this has really helped me, thank you Ana.

[@tanyasharadamba1264]

Fantastic segment 👏🏽 💖✨️

[@lindahebb4832]

Thank you for posting

[@JamesOKlippel]

Thanks so much for sharing

[@evalinaxcross]

Ana, I really need some advice for my situation. I have been friends with a clinically diagnosable narcissist for almost a decade and Im finally trying to remove myself. Im scared because she has all this personal information that can exploit me or other people and Im not sure what to do. Please make a video on how to end a friendship in my situation.

[@Xokzu]

People who cheat don't just make a mistake. They choose every action leading to the outcome. I'd say shame. It is a series of selfish and harmful actions put together.

[@jaycalli40]

I was taught to feel shame as punishment for my actions as a child. In otherwords, parenting style.

[@zmix]

I'd like to mark two very important points made here at 8:50 and 10:32

[@davejacob5208]

you limit shame to the most extreme case, where it is that the person is imoral/intentional harmful. that makes you overlook shame for mere laziness, uglyness, etc. one is not only afraid to show themselves to others who judge them if its about judging the most horrible stuff, people are also afraid of being judged badly in ways that are miniscule in comparison.

[@jkytpeace]

I really appreciate your content. I have a pet peeve about youtubers though, when they edit too much, to make the content go too fast and then there is no natural pause between lines. This doesn't help. Only hurts. Makes me not want to watch the video. Your earlier videos where you are not editing too much and there are natural pauses between your sentences are just so much better. So, if you can, I request that you make your monologue as natural as possible and put those pauses in between, even if you are editing. Even just half a second would make a big difference. One way of doing this is to say your sentence and give it a pause after. Then when you edit, you can retain those natural pauses. Thank you :).

[@swethaandra7068]

Hi Ana, awesome video! The discussion at the end abut treating abusers with the same compassion we treat others was great; reminded me a bit of the paper "Outrage and the Bounds of Empathy" by Sukaina Hirji - great read if you haven't already read! Would love to hear your thoughts :)

[@ButterflySUB]

I think if someone does a very bad thing or a severely bad thing for example a crime that hurts other people or even one person deserves to live in shame. I am not talking about accidental crimes btw. And if someone's bad actions are not severe for example if it is mid then I think they only deserve guilt and self reflection.

[@TheIcanntspel]

This girl is a dream.

[@SidheKnight]

How do certain addictions fit into this? When people are ashamed of being unable to stop behaviors that only hurt themselves? P.S: I know some addict behaviors hurt other people, but I'm not asking about those cases.

[@auroraborealis6398]

I'm glad you exist Ana! These are the main questions I have been asking myself for a decade now... I found some answers but there's nothing more relieving than hearing a specialist articulate them to that clear level. Hats ::

[@maplewheat2010]

Will you be giving commentary on the Shanquella Robinson story? There is a message in there for all young women. We need to keep this story going until justice is served.

[@m2pozad]

It's Mexico jurisdiction. Try posting there. The US already has Hate Crime law.

[@rubenbarrientos8171]

I think you are awesome, thanks for this video…

[@SailorLunaUnicorn]

But what about when you take full responsabilty but you still get guilt tripped for what you've done continuosly (like, for example, at work), how should you act in that case?

[@Star-dj1kw]

10:23 wallowing in shame, self pity

[@yololololo9081]

around the 4 minute mark, you said very few people are mostly bad and that we're all bad and good at the same time. what does "bad" and "good" mean here? everyone has their own definitions of what it means to be bad/good. or were you referring to your standards of good and bad?

[@TimelordsAndAngels]

Thank you

[@laughingwaters8309]

What if you have tried to take responsibility but the other person punishes you with excluding you from family events or being super cold to you? Any ideas about how not to feel so bad?

[@FreedomBreeze24]

Well said

[@MrShadowThief]

What do I do if I feel shame for something I don't feel is wrong and I feel the desire to do that repeatedly, but at the same time I feel bad that I'm doing something bad to the world and the people I care about?

[@Desire123ification]

Awesome Video! Keep it up..

[@trafficcontrol2420]

Intentionality is what makes someone subjectively bad.

[@whenyousmileismiletoo5419]

I feel shame because I'm a loser according to my parent's and society's standards. that's why I avoid everyone and don't really go anywhere

[@nrmf]

What if you’ve changed and your still holding on to your past mistakes in fear of becoming that person again? I was what you consider having narcissist tendencies when I was in middle school and now I’m high school I always feel the need to act humble and nice all the time. I downplay compliments, I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror or having pride in myself.

[@marte1376]

What about, I know I'm not a bad person, like I'm not hurting directly no one and i like what I do but breaks moral codes of family or my circle around, like moderate substance use or sex work? To say some controversial topics. It's sad and complex

[@hagalathekido]

i feel like once you add more pain than happiness to the world you are a bad person,

[@SkaTerBoiI256]

it's not a death sentence - anna 2022

[@clickedcow6653]

interesting and HQ as always 🧑‍🍳🧑‍🍳💋💋

[@coldestsun2095]

Kinda curious of what this community thinks though. If you're a person who believes that they're incapable of forming romantic relationships, are you deserving of feeling shame?

[@westa8427]

Incapable because of what? In general, shame is needed when you have to bring your "what I want to be" closer to "what society needs me to be". Shame should help you to acknowledge your mistakes and adapt to this particular society you're in. So you deserve to feel shame only if it helps you to make a positive shift in behavior. Long story short, it's better to become capable.

[@jennifersilves4195]

No idea the difference between shame and guilt.

[@peculiarpencil7601]

Did you read my mind?

[@r011ing_thunder6]

Hate the sin not the sinner 🤍

[@TheGodNC]

Hope you have a happy holiday season! 🎉😁🛍️🎁🎄☃️

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you, you too!

[@sparrowfree5]

10:22 10:32

[@MrShadowThief]

shoplifting = victimless crime ?????????????????

[@wallytomlins]

I feel like your philosophical wrestling with your internal contradictions of “nobody is truly bad” and “abusers are truly bad” was very poor. You basically said “it’s ok to treat them with compassion” which has nothing to do with the way you classify them as a person, but instead on how u treat them. U should treat everyone with compassion and we should treat abusers with compassion because of that, but that doesn’t mean that u solved your inner conflict. It’s either abusers are bad and people can be truly bad or abusers aren’t bad and nobody are truly bad. I only bring this up because I believe you are truly smart and will be able to see my (imo obvious) objection here.

[@whenyousmileismiletoo5419]

6:27 accurrate

[@kronosis2767]

All have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. No one is a “good person”. However it is with Gods grace that we can be made new and pursue living in the image of Christ. I cant speak for those that haven’t acknowledged Jesus as Lord and Savior. But for Christians, Guilt is when your conscience(the Holy Spirit) admonishes yourself for something you’ve done wrong. This is to spur you towards seeking reconciliation with those you hurt and accepting the grace of God that covers it. Shame is the refusal to acknowledge Christ’s complete covering of our sins. If God has forgiven us, who are we to not forgive ourselves? Is our forgiveness of a higher standard? Of course not. Shame is a poison that keeps us from feeling the relief that God’s grace brings.

[@lifestoryguy]

Vladimir Putin should feel shame, but ironically he's probably the one person on the planet who feels no shame at all.

[@mutilatedhatred4868]

My brother is evil he constantly does bad things that are harmful to even himself

[@_insert_handle_here_]

I find it very troubling that you consider shoplifting a victimless crime.

[@Cowface]

Someone who does not feel guilt deserves shame.

[@charlie-jd3ls]

yes ! very much so

[@curseofcontext]

interesting take but they are probably incapable of feeling that