Red, Yellow & Green Flags in Relationships

[@myrtila]

Beside spotting red, yellow or green flags on our partners, we should also focus on our own "flags" as well.

[@methodicallymaya]

Yes! I’ve seen a lot of comments on here of people starting to recognize and admit their own faults which is honestly awesome!

[@IROKstarINK]

Agreed

[@Bri-ss1gu]

This is not emphasized enough! So many people set themselves up for misery by focusing on who to look for rather than who to be.

[@jordanlee_alle]

Yes! That’s so true!

[@microwavebrain1035]

Yes , but I don’t relate to these specific red flags. My red flags are more like, emotional unavailable. These red flags are not fun things to relate to I bet. A lot of what she was saying for red flags are abusive things so I hope y’all aren’t abusive

[@sarapocorn]

If you recognise some of the behaviours and traits in yourself - I did - there‘s no shame in admitting it. It is 100% possible to work on it and improve!

[@methodicallymaya]

This is absolutely wonderful! People need to be more open to their own faults. Often we shy away from them but then we can never grow and improve. Absolutely loved that you pointed this out. Thanks Sara!

[@svetlananana9609]

Thank you!

[@casperthefreckledghost]

Thank you for saying this, we all need the reminder to look within ❤️

[@princesslacson6291]

Yes and also to your partner. You should be open about it and try ways to improve it together.

[@RonCecchetti]

yes!

[@nicoleonfeels]

Yes, let’s talk more about the green flags in relationships! I think all too often, the focus is on the red.

[@oponomo]

I think people avoid intimacy because they think of the negatives too much... Then this causes more lonely time, breeding the sense of "lack", and making the person fall in love stronger for the next match, which could be terrible, but out of desperation they get themselves into a bad relationship and revert back to negative thinking.

[@madalinav150]

@@oponomo this!!

[@let_it_sin_kin]

did i just see u on anna akana's video

[@deestefmorr]

green flags are usually the easiest to feel or know because it resonates a positive or good feeling within. the red flags for a lot of people are missed, ignored and often not taking seriously until to much time has been waisted.

[@madalinav150]

@@deestefmorr Sometimes things such as having clearly set out boundaries are mistaken for red flags. I think the discussion around green flags is very important, especially for people with poor mentalization skills. The clearly set out boundaries example is a personal one. I used to be someone that disrespected boundaries and manipulated the dynamics so that my partners felt guilty for having any to begin with. My current partner explained it clearly to me that some things are dealbreakers for him. No matter how compatible we are otherwise, if I do X, then Y happens.

[@sophiebeazley2304]

“We choose partners who we believe are on our level.” That hit different 😯

[@luce1675]

“we accept the love we think we deserve”- perks of being a wallflower :)

[@MyTimelord11]

@@luce1675 beat me to it xD

[@mlbm13]

Ooft that’s why it’s so hard to see ourselves. Someone else may view us as a 7 and we choose a damn 3 ( rating 1-10) across the board

[@marciavox8105]

It sure did

[@neptunejoo]

What if I have been single my entire life? 😂 My standard is too high or i think i don't deserve anyone?

[@euniceong595]

There's this one red flag that i always have. Feeling inferior to the people i like. I think i'm quite okay in terms of self confidence but whenever i like someone, i always deem them to be too good for me

[@auroraborealis6398]

same here! I don't know how to deal with that problem. I felt better when I had a good job or project

[@Fingerscrossedout]

Good one Mark! I absolutely felt like nothing compared to my ex and it created an unhealthy codependent relationship. I am putting this on my personal red flag list!

[@moanapooh9726]

samee :

[@pbjt2396]

That is because although you think you are quite confident and have good self-esteem, it may be a lot more lacking than you realize. This is perfectly normal, and you should take comfort in the fact that society does nothing to help us truly build a healthy sense of self and esteem. However, that should inspire you to work on your own self-development which is a never-ending process. I am sure you already do, since you have the awareness to share what you said in your comment. Some things to study are: What is respect? How do I view myself? How much respect do I have for myself? Pay attention to how others behave toward you to get an idea of how society perceives your respect for yourself. Second, study discernment. What is it? How do I strengthen my abilities to be discerning? It may take you months or even years to truly understand what these two things mean, and how important they are in life overall. They directly translate to our self-confidence and self-esteem, but no one talks about it in the context of self-development without boring an audience. It’s not a pretty subject with rainbows and butterflies, but they hold the key to you understand yourself. Good luck! You can do this. If you really want to know yourself, then eventually you will figure it out. xx

[@Octoberstorm333]

I do this too, and catching myself daily putting them on a pedestal. I try and use it as motivation to take care of myself well and compliment them too. What if they felt inferior to you?

[@tuti9017]

That " Doctoral Candidate" hits different

[@nameov]

I noticed that too :c

[@oscarthagrouch]

@@nameov wym?

[@inquisitionagent9052]

Says all you need to know honestly

[@wompwomp1099]

@@inquisitionagent9052 what does that mean?

[@inquisitionagent9052]

@@wompwomp1099 that this is amazingly amateur and it shows

[@MorgurEdits]

List of flags in the video Red Flags: 1:43 Emotional or Physical Harm 2:25 Disrespect and Prejudice 3:34 Infidelity 4:18 Explosive Temper 4:53 Control or Coercion 5:29 Lying and Secrecy Yellow Flags: 6:08 Lack of Insight or Self-awareness 6:58 A Lot of Different Conflicts with A Lot of Different People 7:43 They Associate with People Who Have Questionable Values 8:48 Substance Abuse 9:37 Reckless Financial Decision Making 12:10 Coping Deficit Green Flags: 12:42 Thoughtful / Caring, Loving Acts 14:04 Attentiveness 14:32 Supportiveness 14:50 Successful and put together in terms of their life Total Flags: 16 Hope this helps you to find the points outlined in the video and more effectively converse about these flags.

[@MorgurEdits]

Some Impressions of the Red flags and personal opinions. 1:43 Emotional or Physical Harm => 100% Agree, with a caveat if partner or you have the Coping Deficit yellow flag then this red flag might be falsely attributed to the non Coping Deficit half. 2:25 Disrespect or prejudice => This one is tough cause prejudice is someting you might as well drop off while conversing with enough people and open up to the world as one could say. Disrespect might also not be targeted to you, but something like your actions. I would like to know how to assign this flag if you happen to have the Questionable friends yellow flag and if partner points that out do they have the Disrespect flag then that is a red in your book? I think this category is red depending of the regularity of their disrespect and the generality as you alligned in the video. 4:18 Explosive Temper => Agree generally, but also some people have higher propability to be agressive when drunk due to genes. So if this explosiveness happens when drinking and the person drinking has no problem completely stopping consuming this substance. Then it might just be yellow at that point for me personally. 4:53 Control or Coercion => Fully agree, though some might try to justify their behaviour by gaslighting you to have this red flag and saying that add Manipulation to this flag. 5:29 Lying and Secrecy => This I do agree with this, but this red flag is only that if you are already in a established relationship. You cannot blame really a person you've been dating for 2 dates for secrecy, because that is just called privacy. Also Lies to preserve privacy of personal matters like death of a family member or due to shame abot something cause not comfortable to converse with you yet about such things. Acceptable in my books. Yellow Flag for couple dates when about personal privacy concerning things, starts to turn to Red flag after a made up number like 2 to 3 months because if the partner cannot connect emotionally at that point to be able to share these things or be straight about them that they don't want to talk about x or y then they are not interested to form a deep relationship, but a shallow one like with casual friends.

[@MorgurEdits]

Impressions about Green Flags, is that these things are indeed in a relationship flags, many of these things you cannot tap into while still looking for a relationship with person you don't know. I feel like for many all except the last flag you can actually spot in a person looking from the outside, but the other things are just invisible qualities for someone that you might want to start dating or seeing more often. They seem like creepy or uncalled for actions from person you barely still know and might want to get close to for some people. But here I am projecting to others what I think their flags are like. Here I need second or third opinion about these not still deep in relationship flags. Like couple dates in.

[@MorgurEdits]

Yellow Flags lets go!: 6:08 Lack of Insight or Self-awareness => Close to red flag for me, a total turn off if person isn't ready to converse about ideas or opinions in matters, but are indifferent, more like uninterested at all times. 6:58 A Lot of Different Conflicts with A Lot of Different People => Correct maybe Red Flag instead for me. 7:43 They Associate with People Who Have Questionable Values => Correct, you better have good values to correctly spot this flag. 8:48 Substance Abuse=> I do agree with this flag. 9:37 Reckless Financial Decision Making => I agree with this flag as well, if this was already in a established relationships flags video this might be red flag already for some. 12:10 Coping Deficit => Agree with this one, but this one might cause you that red flag harm if for example the stress causes the other person to disassociate from everyone for a while or combined with other mental problems it can certainly take away hours from your night thinking about "Where the heck is he or she and is she or he okay right now.", "Do I need to ask for help?" and so on. These things usually go in a bundle and it is not fault of the person in question, but it can really hurt someone else indirectly through love.

[@MorgurEdits]

Overall impressions, this is not a balanced dataset of flags by any means, we need to add more green flags to balance things out and search the positives in people especially when connecting with them not to miss out on great things potential partners do. Communication is key in my opinion, if someone has red or yellow flags but is open to communicate about them and listens to you as well then we have a person that might not be your partner, but at least you made a friend along the way.

[@IrisRiedel6]

Thanks!

[@anavillavicencio6059]

Some examples of emotional harm that are clear red flags are: making you feel guilty for their problems, manipulating you into believe they will hurt themselves if you hurt them, loading all their problems on you, underestimating your problems. Just learned all of these the hard way.

[@Therika7]

I have a family member exactly like that. They are out of my life now and it’s good to see those red flags validated. Thanks:)

[@MarchHare53]

@@Therika7 Good for you! Definitely valid red flags. And distancing yourself from those people, in my experience has proven to be great!

[@lucyandecember2843]

o.o

[@seminarrfactor678]

It’s not manipulation if you know they’re manipulating you

[@goddessofthots5096]

this is a weird one cause i have trauma and growing up i had developed an addiction to self harm, still struggle with it now; my ex felt guilty cause i would self harm over our fights but i never held it against him or told him "ill hurt myself if you say this" so i suppose that might be a yellow flag? or maybe full red? idk because i dont go outta my way to point it out he just notices it; but the thing most confusing is that when we fight its either him being offended by jokes and not expressing it right ( which happened 2ce ) and my traumas that he didn't understand and would say things and when i tried to explain he blew up ( this was most of our fights) i gave up on opening up to him because of this which lead to my self harming addiction to come back. and i honestly don't understand about flags in a situation like this

[@vulnerablegrowth3774]

The traffic light system is also often used by some people to express consent during sex. Yellow is basically, ”hey, I like most of what is going on, but this one or two things that you are doing are getting me out of it. Could you please stop doing those things.” Red is straight up, it’s over dude.

[@vulnerablegrowth3774]

I think that in friendships, yellow flags are sometimes fine. If I have a friend who’s always 30 mins late when we hang out, but I really enjoy my time with them once they arrive, all I really need to do is adjust my expectations for them. Instead of expecting that they will finally be on time this time, I will just expect they will be late and bring a book with me. If they arrive on time, great! If they don’t, I get to read a book I’ve been meaning to read! I’d rather not drop this friendship when I can just manage my internal expectations of them. Of course, if they do it because they straight up don’t care about you, then that would be a different situation than if they are just a tardy person.

[@AnaPsychology]

Hadn’t even thought about that! Really good point

[@puudathemeow5593]

@@vulnerablegrowth3774 Yes, and it could be as simple as them having ADHD or just a personality thing, I have a classmate who's ALWAYS late, even when she wakes up in time she somehow manages to be late and she wants to be on time. She's just really bad at managing and being on time. I'm also a bit like this but I've learnt to tell people that I'm bad at being on time and that they shouldn't take it personally if I'm 15min late, I'm sort of 50/50 late/on time tho, so I think that makes it clearer that I actually want to be with them.

[@EvilTaco]

yeah it's very common in BDSM, they're called safe words

[@AmbuBadger]

And if you blow through too many red lights, the cops show up!

[@Octoberstorm333]

Leave a jacket or scarf in your partner’s car/home when you are first dating and see how they treat the item you left. Did they pick it up and fold it nicely or hang it? Or did they leave it on the floor board of the car or toss it? I think it says a lot about if they respect and care about you. I accidentally left extra pants at this persons house and when I came back he had it folded neater than his own laundry and he had washed it and neatly placed it on a bedside table. Meanwhile, I left a jacket in someone’s car once, and they had used it to soak up a spill and threw it in the trunk. Guess which person started having yellow flags that turned red? 😅selfless acts of kindness are the best.

[@leahtheanimationfan40]

That's a very good point. My boyfriend takes very good care if his belongings, and when he first came to my house and saw that I also take good care of my belongings, that was one of the things that put him at ease

[@flamingaish]

reminds me of all too well lmao

[@TVVENCH]

As much as I would like to agree, I accidentally left a very expensive winter hat at a guy’s house and what unfolded over the coming year was.. dreadful. He treated my hat with respect, hung it up, sent me a photo of it perched neatly in his room, told me he looked forward to seeing me when he returns it and still ended up being an asshole who would disappear, ghost, stonewall and then come back and lovebomb.

[@jazzywallin5759]

I feel like it’s also important to see what they would do with someone’s jacket or scarf that they WERENT interested in. I don’t know how you would test this haha, but I think seeing how people treat people they don’t want something from says a lot too.

[@drstaylit]

@@TVVENCH he knows his stuff /s

[@KO-D00M]

It's interesting because one red flag you mentioned was someone who tries to convince a person to do "this" or do "that" and I was like... that sounds like me. Then you went into people who lack self-awareness, have reckless spending habits, and don't take an interest in their partner or elevate them. Then I realized the reason I made constant suggestions for my ex to do "this" or do "that" was because he lacked self-awareness, had reckless spending habits, didn't show interest in me, and only wanted to elevate himself if he found it beneficial (though he lacked self-awareness to understand what would actually benefit him). Interesting how one person's "flag" could trigger another person's "flag." I guess that's what you call a toxic relationship.

[@xXItstrayceceXx]

Beautifully written

[@TheWackiestDemon]

Oh man this is what I'm starting to get into, I started a relationship about 7 days ago. I already am telling him what he should be doing, how he should think, stop doing things, etc. I was thinking about getting him different clothes to wear, because I really don't like the ones he does wear. I feel like this relationship really won't work, although we have very similar interests, the more I get to know him the less attractive I find him. That's why I need to know people for a very long time before getting into a relationship. I told him that when he asked me out, that he should ask again later. But we were flirting and he took that as a yes and I kind of just went with it. He's the attached type so I'm worried about what will happen if I end the relationship. Man idk.

[@KO-D00M]

@@TheWackiestDemon From personal experience, if there are small doubts that could lead to bigger doubts early in the relationship, it might not be worth "going with it." You're already sensing a lack of attraction, and that alone is enough to reassess if this person is someone you should really commit yourself to; mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual connection could be seriously stunted if your attraction (in any way) is hindered. It's better to be single and fully committed to yourself than be in a relationship and partially committed to your partner. Just my thoughts. Wishing you the best!

[@TheWackiestDemon]

@@KO-D00M Thanks, and I do agree with that. I'd rather be single rn anyway.

[@missytizon4477]

this is me fr. i started getting annoyed at him and we went having these petty fights because i felt like i'm not heard or seen, he was a part of my routine and i felt like i was an extra on his, so. he got tired of me anyways and broke up with me, and now im just gonna focus on myself and making myself better for me and my future relationships

[@wannabehuman]

When your mom, not your bf, has most of the red flags 🙃

[@trxpicaldreams9781]

Mood

[@danielamishkovska2833]

🥺

[@clarissagold1090]

Right!

[@Elizabeth-mu3du]

My dad has most of the red flags.

[@claricegraham3570]

that was what i was thinking rn omg

[@Bri-ss1gu]

I have a couple yellow flag suggestions - concerning jokes and overcompensation. I get that some people have a dark sense of humor, but if they're constantly joking about things that make you uncomfortable, or you can see signs that they may not actually be joking, that's something to look out for. As for overcompensation, if you're familiar with the saying "thou doth protest too much, methinks," that's what I mean by this. For example, if a guy is constantly telling you how much he respects women to the point that it's overexaggerated, you have to ask yourself if he actually respects women or if this is all performance. You don't have to try so hard to convince people of something true.

[@willywonka6948]

Also, it's important to not "need" your partner but to "want" them. This is a more personal thing, but if you find yourself "needing" a relationship, that's a vulnerable place to be in. Abusive people can easily take advantage of that and you're probably not going to notice the red and yellow flags so that you can get what you "need". If you are in that place, imagine that you have a relationship with yourself and work on that. How would you treat somebody that you care for deeply? Treat yourself the same way. Take care of yourself the same way that you would take care of a good friend. This will help with self-esteem so that you will be less vulnerable and so that you won't "need" the partner. If you "want" a partner, or "want" the partner that you have, it will be a lot more healthy of a relationship. Great video, by the way! I suppose a more abstract view on red, yellow, and green flags could be: red is something that's harmful to your wellbeing in some way, yellow is something that could eventually be a red flag, and green is the exact opposite of red; improving your wellbeing. In the "relationship with yourself" perspective, you can use these exact same flags to determine if you're ready to be in a relationship or not. If you're not ready for a relationship, that doesn't mean that you're dying alone, it just means that you have more growing to do which should be viewed as a positive thing, not as a burden. Think about it, the unhealthy amount of suffering that you're going through will decrease! That's a great thing and it's worth the effort, so find methods/ways/steps to improve and start! You got this!

[@amin0nnn]

oof I felt super attacked but I needed to hear some objective opinions so thank you so much for making this video!! It's sometimes hard to acknowledge that you have qualities that are considered red or yellow flags, but acknowledging them is the first step to becoming a better person for yourself and your loved ones!

[@bc.relationships]

THIS 🙌 we love a self aware king / queen. We all have stuff to work on and can bring "toxic" traits into a relationship if we don't do the work on ourselves.

[@maggiekohler9711]

me realizing i ignored all red flags in my last relationship..... well this explains a lot. I was really naive back then.

[@treasurewuji8740]

I think sometimes I ignored the red flags because when the red flags are not showing, it is really fun............

[@Alinda1308]

Don't worry, it's pretty common :) I guess it's kind of the only way to learn

[@AnaPsychology]

Yep I’ve been there too! We live and we learn

[@Lizara14]

Same here. I did not realise it was naive to give people a chance and to believe the best in them. But now, I know the truth. Worst part for me was, he was emotionally abusive towards me. Glad I got outta there.

[@treasurewuji8740]

@@Lizara14 Yeah. give them a chance to believe the best in them, but in the mean time cut their supplies. I did not realize that sometimes by being accommodating and not assertive I was enabling.

[@mariahsisneros7572]

Red flags everywhere before the relationship even officially began. Red flags times 100 during the ten years we were together. Just looked back at my old journals from the duration of our relationship together and holy crap. I put up with SO MUCH because of the "hope" I had, even though I explicitly wrote in my journals that I knew he would never change. We had a child together and FINALLY, after soooooo many years, I am DONE with it. I have realized about myself after all of these years that I have an enormous heart and tolerate a lot. I am very empathetic and let myself be taken advantage of, in the name of love. I was literally looking for love in all of the wrong places. I tolerated verbal, emotional and physical abuse from the beginning. Watching these videos now, looking back in retrospect, I know I made the right choice in finally ending it.

[@srhndrw]

i am so proud of you, this had to be so hard for you.

[@andersnielsen6044]

Sadly... You were the one who chose to praise these red flags for more than 10 years.

[@Kai...999]

I’ll be honest, as an engineer I always prioritized natural sciences over social science and used to consider psychology a protoscience to neurology as alchemy was to chemistry. Now I feel like it’s the most vital science for society in general.

[@wendywhoisit1819]

I mean it's interesting and all but all these things you can figure out with common sense or experience, you don't really need a science for this, let alone "the most vital science for society". Not saying that psychoogy isn't really useful sometimes, just reffering to this video.

[@juanarocha8629]

Dad.... is that you? Do you finally accept my career path?

[@georg841984]

Neurology = hardware. Psychology = software.

[@2126Eliza]

I see psychology as vital. We make huge advancements in science and tech everyday, but what good is it if people are miserable?

[@PasserbySimp]

@@2126Eliza So much this, I feel like people just forget we had WW2 less than 100 years ago. Technology is advancing rapidly while a lot of people are still healing. Stories from great grandparents/grandparents I heard, they have no choice or time for emotional growth, they just have to survive and that emotion dismissal mindset was passed down to parents, grandchildren. Social media's advancements are great but that cause people to only interact in short amount of time to really get to know each other.

[@michellelam5268]

i like what u said about managing finances!! im 19 and have never been in a relationship, but when i have been on dates, many guys would flex their $$ and how much they would spend and thats a big no for me. my family is pretty middle class, but everyone in my family is incredibly great at investing and saving their $$. ofc, we still treat ourselves and enjoy luxuries here and there, but we are realistic and we dont go spending our $$ where it is not neccessary. i also learned something new today: yellow flags!! :)

[@michellelam5268]

i also just want to add, i 100% agree w u about how ppl tend to go into relationships with individuals who are a reflection of themselves. and if thats not the case, as partners date, they do become a reflection of each other (which is a double-edged sword, the person can either prompt or hinder ur growth depending on the circumstances). i rly like this logic (or theory? haha idk what to call it) as it is applicable to not just intimate relationships, but also friendships. after hs ended, i cut off many toxic friendships and went into university with a clear and level headed mind. it was crazy bc when i met my university friends, we all clicked instantaneously. it rly shocked me bc at that very moment, i was like "is this what a healthy friendship like?" i consider myself a person who continues to seek to improve myself so if im not surrounded by ppl w goals or similar drive, it backtracks me. my friends in my university circle r so different and diverse, but we all support and hype each other up. i love seeing women supporting other women

[@Mellyouttaphase]

I take note here, sometimes it is ME presenting with the red flags. And I agree with the other comments, it’s refreshing and just as important to focus on the green flags! All too often we focus so heavily on the negative and I believe potentially healthy relationships can buckle under the weight of scrutiny.

[@maxpahlke2823]

same

[@froggyfrogge2154]

Today, after 11 years of being in a toxic relationship I finally left, I raised myself from the dark and now I'm starting to love myself for the first time and I realised that I deserve better. I feel free after half my life of knowing him and I feel happy after all my life being raised in a toxic family, I really never thought I made it this far but I'm so happy, I want everybody that feels like there is no escape to know that it can get better! ♥

[@hurtssslikehell]

im so proud of you!!

[@froggyfrogge2154]

@@hurtssslikehell thank you! much love♥

[@katherinekama8753]

i appreciate your points! I would love to see a video about progressing in life after being a "bad" person (doing drugs, committing crimes, cheating, etc) or how to rehabilitate yourself going forward in new relationships with more awareness

[@zeynepnursozer]

This is quite helpful because I keep thinking’s about some qualities of my boyfriend and can’t be sure whether I am being harsh on him or not. Your explanations helped me to gain a perspective. Thanks Ana 🙏🏻

[@khadi128]

god, im sad to say my ex nearly covered all of those red flags. at least now i can see things from a new perspective, and really ask myself why i settled for "less"!

[@raysofsunshinegirl2401]

Life is a learning process.. be kind and patient with yourself while you learn .

[@anonymesuppe3950]

same...

[@paularoldan9911]

I love that you most of the time add subtitles on the videos! As a foreign I appreciate.

[@AnaPsychology]

I actually don’t know how to do it so it’s pretty much in KZbin’s hands when they decide to add them or not! But I’m definitely grateful when it works :)

[@bc.relationships]

Love how you brought up that sometimes these behaviors aren't necessarily intentional! Sometimes we might have our own red or yellow flags that we're not aware of. But if you try to have a conversation about the red or yellow flags and they don't take responsibility to work on it, then that is a relationship you don't need to be in! You deserve to feel safe and respected!!

[@MissesChrissi]

Turns out my bofriend should break up with me

[@Mellyouttaphase]

I looked away in shame at “explosive anger” ... that said, I am working on it and it’s actually how I found this channel! :)

[@natasama1069]

That was me few years ago and we almost broke up last October(2019.). I was acting toxic and hated everything that surrounded me... but I was lucky to have a loving and understanding boyfriend who tried to make me love myself with his eyes and now our relationship is better then ever!

[@MsPolly05]

@@natasama1069 I admire your strength to work on yourself and your partner is absolutely a treasure

[@natasama1069]

@@MsPolly05 Thank you! I'm truly lucky to have woken up and got my life together with help of myself, my loved ones and him💕

[@methodicallymaya]

Honestly, it’s big of you to recognize your own shortcomings. It takes awareness to change and a lot of people can’t admit their own faults. So, good on you!

[@chiwawas2]

"love goes through the stomach" is also a saying in german but we use it to say that food is a love language or good cooking can make you fall in love with someone or the like :)

[@Marina_7]

It's like that in Romanian too in my experience, I've never heard her interpretation before but it's really interesting!

[@angelac293]

Thank you for this video. I think we all may see red flags but may decide to ignore them. That’s what happened with my last relationship and it was shit. I have a new partner now and I feel so secure. Whoever has not gotten in a serious relationship please choose wisely because a toxic relationship can really break you and it could take you a lot to pull yourself back up.

[@ritagomes9186]

Red flags: watches porn Calls women " females" Rude to homeless Green flags: Clean and Tidy Generous spirit Close with family

[@frogless_]

I would argue with close with family. Some people’s family’s are abusive or do not want to be involved with that person for discriminative reasons.

[@ritagomes9186]

@@frogless_ yes of course thats different

[@shithead-pf8hn]

my ex had all the green flags! idk why i broke up with him. im just young and dumb

[@C17NRYL3D]

Literally every guy watches some form of porn lol

[@TheMocutMiester]

@@C17NRYL3D I dont know why so many people on this video are afraid of porn. It's a great learning tool to spice up the bedroom if used correctly.

[@millenadecampos7192]

I have a explosive crying problem, I had so much anxiety when I was with my ex I would cry all night, I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend however I never disrespected or disregarded his feelings while he seemed to try and victimize himself when I tried to communicate things that bothered me

[@user-bu9ne7ef3q]

Stop crying

[@millenadecampos7192]

@@user-bu9ne7ef3q already did

[@rannivvitch]

It's okay and normal for you to cry, especially when you're in a relationship where the other person doesn't listen/disregards the things you tell them. In my last relationship I was the same with crying constantly, it's not your fault

[@user-bu9ne7ef3q]

@@millenadecampos7192 it’s okay on valentines I can help you release stress😎scream for me

[@theop00]

This sounds very similar to a situation I recently got out of too. You dodged a bullet!

[@Surahfayed]

I now know I lie in the red and yellow spectrum. No wonder potential partners get intimidated by me. I think I need time to heal myself from past events that have deeply affected me and shaped me into this person that I’m not proud of. I’ll work on myself to be a better for myself and everyone around me. Thank you for this insightful video.

[@admirbarucija2018]

This is really helpful, especially for me as I don’t have much relationship experience!!! Happy Monday Ana 💜

[@Joseph-br1fk]

I'm glad you mentioned substance abuse. I have a crush on this girl and I'm thinking about asking her out, but she drinks quite heavily. I don't drink at all. It doesn't overshadow my feelings, but it does make me wonder how such a relationship would go.

[@lifeisbeautifuldarlinimlovinit]

Another red flag is how they act around friends. If they insult random strangers, are genuinely unkind or overly harsh and blunt, even if it all seems like a joke, it may make you laugh but it's a indicator of their true character. If they insult random strangers on first glance they don't even know about then imagine what will be said to you when they're mad.

[@cosmicwitchclarith]

I've had a boyfriend who would constantly show shame and annoyance at me when I had ADHD "episodes" where I could not filter or control myself (saying random thoughts out loud, talking loud, laughing at everything, saying innapropriate things and getting high energy/fidgety) this was 7 years ago and I still feel alot of shame when I "don't act right"

[@willywonka6948]

Every problem has at least one solution, I'm sure you can find it. My general advice would be: 1) Define the exact problem as precisely as possible. 2) Determine the cause. 3) Stop the cause. So, for number one, the problem seems to be the shame after an ADHD episode. The cause seems to be the boyfriend (I'm assuming that you're not with them anymore). Seems to me that you just need to accept yourself as you are, that you're okay with yourself. Next time you feel shame, remember that it's unwarranted and that you're okay. Over time of doing this, it should decrease that feeling. Also, finding an environment in which supports that behavior would also decrease shame. But, if ADHD "episodes" are negatively impacting your life in other ways, then I would consider getting it treated. That would also solve the issue. I wish you the best!

[@diamondedevil]

my ex was sorta like this but towards my self harming behavior, made me feel like there was somethn severely wrong w me because /he/ would never even think abt doin it himself, bru is2g ppl like that are straight up narcissistic

[@willywonka6948]

@@diamondedevil Self-harm is not good. You should seek help immediately, life will improve if you do so. Your life matters and you don't deserve pain. Please share this information with anybody with who you are comfortable with sharing it and try to find the help you need.

[@nicosanchez_music]

@@diamondedevil uh yeah self harm isn't good at all. I know that might be your coping mechanism but self harm will always end up hurting those who love us as well. Please be careful

[@handotkay]

@@diamondedevil yeah there is something wrong with you. Self harm is not normal.

[@EpicAwesomeFireworks]

Thanks for this video, distinguishing red from yellow flags is helpful when I feel that you're more likely to tolerate lots of red flags if you lump red and yellow together as just warnings.

[@vulnerablegrowth3774]

I don’t know what your gender ratio is for this channel, but after looking at your comments, it would be awesome if more men watched you. It seems like your ratio is much lower than the male/female ratio on KZbin.

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you! I’d love for more men to watch my content but sadly I think most either don’t care or even claim you can’t listen to a woman’s perspective on dating (yes, men have actually commented that. It’s their loss☺️)

[@vulnerablegrowth3774]

@@AnaPsychology yeah, I know... I feel so much pity for them since they are missing out on such beautiful minds. I’m sorry you have to deal with those comments. I’ll do my part to lead men towards a better path and mentor them to grow as individuals who would never have such thoughts.

[@anthonyphidel7690]

24 year old male. Your content has been amazing & helpful each & every upload. Thank you & im sure plenty more men will be exposed to your channel. And benefit as much as I have.

[@chefboyardeesnuts277]

Nice observation! I read it as Ana talked about “look at the friends” flag. Had me wondering how I could spread this channel to my male friends. We already talk about personal/emotional stuff, so I’m sure they’d appreciate this channel

[@reidparker1848]

​@@AnaPsychology How horrible. Well, I watch because I probably won't even really date until my late 20s...worried about my lack of experience.

[@cthulhuarts2351]

I know I'm kind of late to the party but this was phenomenal. Not only did this give me insight as to what may have actually been the problems in my past relationship, but also showcased things my current partner is looking for in a relationship that I wasn't necessarily aware of. Finding someone who I find to be truly special then finding this, is eye opening. Guess you know you've found a keeper when a clinical psychologist breaks down what's considered to be "green flags" in a relationship and your partner shows every single one. Earned a sub and a like :) thank you!

[@medusam4833]

I didn't know you are romanian and that took me by surprise!!! Dragostea chiar trece prin stomac, your content is very much appreciated, Ana!

[@klankungen7794]

this made me understand why most of my "good" relationships didn't work out. I have a yellow flag (I would definitely say "I don't know" if asked what I want to eat), 3 of my 5 exes have red flags (one hit me, all three lied frequently, 2 cheated on me, and 2 wanted to control me) and 1 have yellow flags (bad with money and lack of self awareness). I really miss the one with no yellow or red flags, but we didn't want the same future so it wouldn't work out. now I'm almost 30 and it feels hopeless to find a single girl that would not have any red/yellow flags, doesn't already have children, and want children in the future. also, it's hard meeting people during covid :/ oh well!

[@Cece9090]

Due to having a strong personality and lots of insecurities I can be the very coercive type despite also having lots of green flags as well. I'm working on my personal issues and that has definitely helped ease a lot of my control issues. My boyfriend is an absolute rock, he doesn't care at all if I take the lead on plans and decisions, but he will not stand for any type of control over himself as a person, but he does it in a way that allows me to realize that I'm doing it and make corrections to my behavior. It's been incredibly helpful and right now I'm on the path to turn that orange flag into a light-yellow flag.

[@michaelaelizabethx]

Ana I swear every video of yours gets better and better. I loved this video, very thoughtful commentary, insightful opinions and examples and it felt like a warm hug and a chat from a friend. hope everything is ok in ur life, so much love

[@jessicag9255]

You are a breath of fresh air Ana, I find your content so interesting and carefully considered. Thank you for putting these videos out there for us all to enjoy and learn from. Big fan! xx

[@methodicallymaya]

This is honestly such an amazing comment - and it’s so true! I’m sure Ana is much appreciative of you, Jessica

[@anikatasnimsaba]

Remember this is her opinion on what is a red or yellow flag to her. You don't have to think the same way. For example she said substance abuse is yellow flag. For me it's a red flag.

[@procrastinationismyspecial9162]

So ironic that this was posted just a couple days before my relationship ended with my boyfriend. I’d been watching your videos and all the signs were there but I couldn’t admit it to myself. He ended up being the one to end things but the more I watch you the more I realize it was for the best:)

[@katiethe2nd92]

Thank you so much for this, today a friend did something and I freaked out because I’m constantly looking for red flags because of a past relationship where I saw red flags but I continued with it and it fucked me up. Whenever the smallest things happens alarms go off in my head trying to see if I need to back away but due to this video I can now recognize when to completely stop, proceed with caution and to safely continue for now. Most of my stress came from thinking that I would fall into the same trap but now I feel like I have some type of guidelines to keep me safe. Thank you million times.

[@skittles6954]

The last part kinda hit home. It's a real eye-opener, tyyy ana

[@applesx9872]

Everytime I watch your videos, they're always straight to the point with easy-to-follow examples and lots of theories and studies included. Like forreals, thank you!!! 🙏

[@LonelyDad42069]

Great video, the green flags are essential BUT the only one I will contest is the success one. This is because you and your partner might both aspire for success in completely different fields and some fields are much less straight forward than others or success in said fields may rely on aspects outside of your partner’s control. Like if your partner wanted to be a successful painter they would actually need to be able to afford things like canvas and paint in the first place and they’d need to know the right people to give them the connections/exposure they need. This is different than aspiring to be the head manager of the fanciest restaurant in town. Both require incredibly hard work and dedication but one is much more reliant on your own personal resources than the other. You could also have the same aspirational field as your partner but your partner could be part of a marginalised or underrepresented group that makes success in that field much more difficult for them in comparison to you. Just some thoughts :)

[@ameeraamlee1918]

I just realized i have a lot of yellow flags and one red flag. This absolutely sucks because I really like this guy and I know it just wont work out because of my position in life. Thank you for making this video, it helps me a lot with developing self awareness and stop thinking the world revolves around me :)

[@sammygirliegirl]

The green flag of love languages gives me chills when you talked about it lol it really easily nails spot on your feelings of happiness with your partner cause these either exist or don’t in the relationship. I feel really lucky to have a considerate boyfriend and just as he’s lucky to have someone on the same level!

[@AshleighERINHughes]

Love this. I would say we should not expect anyone to support us. Support is an internal feeling.

[@emersonchang2357]

So very glad you pointed out "I don't know" as a yellow flag. It drove me NUTS in my last relationship.

[@ts2852]

OMG Ana, you made such an incredible video! I haven't finished it yet but I can see the amount of thought that you put into it. I have a feeling that this one is really going to make me think for a while. Thanks!

[@disneygirl1189]

That saying you mentioned, about love going through stomach, we have the same one in Serbia, but here it's always interpreted as You'll easily win people over if you're good at cooking. It's interesting to see the other meaning it can have and I agree with both.

[@andersnielsen6044]

We have the same saying in Denmark, Germany and everywhere.. It is because you do not understand that "food" is just a metaphor or a symbol.

[@terrylbell6378]

"We all get angry every now and then. But if someone has a pattern of rage that they externalize on the people around them, that is not a tolerable environment. We are all responsible for our own emotional regulation." -- Very Well Said. 😎✌.

[@patrickrad1735]

It greatest to help people with mental health issues great job for being a fantastic therapist 😊to help others through their problems great job 😊

[@samanthacurrie5452]

So many of these also apply to friendships too (which is what I had in mind when I clicked on this video)... really great advice all around. Thank you so much ❤️

[@cutiefox6455]

thank you so much for an insightful and eloquently spoken video! you teach me so much and most of all i am grateful that you promote such healthy standards in communication and teach us about it! could you, please, make a video about how to communicate expectations, standards, discuss important topics in a relationship? how to approach it, with which words and in which situations is it appropriate?(when you only started dating, before you started, etc...). and how not no turn it into a formal interview? also a video on making friends would be very useful. should we communicate expectations in friendship or is it better to just go with the flow and only point out our boundaries when they are crossed? your videos are such a gem, thank you very much for your work! 😌✨

[@suhani5156]

I need to write this down.

[@Itsjustebele]

honestly

[@hitarthykachariya4312]

I did actually make notes.😅🙈

[@suhani5156]

@@hitarthykachariya4312 it’s definitely worth it 😂

[@fernandes1431]

This was really insightful. Made me reflect on a past relationship and all the red flags I missed. Thanks for uploading! I'm going to save this for future relationships

[@christabeldicksonchakalaka8969]

I needed this!

[@akoc18]

With friends or s/o's, I always say "I don't know" or "whatever you like" to things like where to eat, where to go etc. Because to me it really doesn't matter where we eat or drink something, I really don't have a strong opinion on these topics. And I know from constant experience that others usually regret eating somewhere or say things like "this place is too loud" or "the food is really bad" and if I'm with friends I usually don't even notice if the meal was not great because I'm happy overall. So I rather follow their suggestions because I won't complain anyway and they will if they don't like my suggestion; but I know that sometimes makes me a little boring. Or, sometimes I genuinely don't know anywhere to suggest around probably because I can't afford to eat out all the time so I don't discover many pubs or restaurants, I go where I'm familiar with. So I say "you decide" but I realize this happens quite often. How do I overcome this? Or even when I don't have a preference what can I say instead to sound less boring?

[@olivia-hc7ut]

the way i’ve never been in a relationship but i’m still watching this😭

[@didi85515]

That's great! The chances of you wasting years in a toxic relationship like i think most people do at some point is a lot lower now :)

[@nathaliabako8539]

Când ai vorbit in romană parca te-ai luminat! Expresia ta faciala mi-a transmis whole, home, love 😍❤️ A fost reala parca, asta poate fi și din cauza ca engleză nu e prima limba😋 dar îți mulțumesc pentru video- uri, sunt minunate! 🙏✨

[@lydialorincova7628]

I think another very very important yellow flag is NOT KEEPING THE WORD - you really want to have a responsible person by your side, not just someone who will promise you everything but never actually does it. Words until they're actions. If he gives you a word, he should stay accountable and responsible about what he said. Many guys are very forgetful and instead of admitting their fault, they either start making excuses or making promises that it's never gonna happen again, but instead they end up doing/not doing the same thing again.

[@alinasusma3768]

Foarte fain! Am rămas surprinsă cand ai inceput sa vorbești românește 🤗 Îți doresc mult succes, Ana!

[@TheCupcakeicecream]

It’s so true if their always falling out with people run

[@003lux]

WHEN I ALMOST REALIZE THAT THE RED TO YELLOW FLAGS ARE THE THINGS I DID ON MY PAST RELATIONSHIP... AAAAA :(((

[@julia8929]

Don't worry, it's great that you can see your own mistakes... Learn from them and don't repeat them

[@Octoberstorm333]

My yellow flag is poor coping, I try and hide it but life gets me down sometimes so I’ll drink after work or sleep in. Working on it. I met someone who has not shown one yellow flag and it’s been almost 2 months. It really sets a tone for a healthy communicative relationship. We’ll seeee.

[@ProgressIsTheOnlyEvolution]

Nice video. I agree with a lot of your Impressions, though I would add that it is extremely important that a partner is fair and do not have expectations of you that they don’t vocalize or is willing to fulfill themselves. I think the Golden rule is a good indicator here. I also think showing interest in your partners interests is very important and so is the ability to learn from past mistakes, and having a vision or goal for the future. Also to have a strong good set of values and priorities to help them make good decisions. You touched on some of that. Thanks for making this.

[@nicoles_handle]

tbh substance abuse is a red flag for me. idk why for all the other reasons you reasoned it out that these will have to be sorted out before you move into the r/s (e.g., anger), but for substance abuse you move into a more or less already settled phase.

[@pyregarten5012]

Alot of people are talking about partners and others but how many of you have the courage to recognize these within yourself ?And want to make a change. Well wishes and courage to the people watching trying to be better.

[@priyakapoor5531]

this was a great one! i'd love to see more videos on the green flags

[@cammythings1901]

I just broke up with my bf today, and this video has made me feel better about my decision. While I can mostly only think of only one red flag he had, the rest were yellow and green. I'm trying hard to get my life together right now. I don't know what I want to do as a career yet. This year I'm going to start taking ASL classes and some college classes, and I'm also starting a new job soon. I had realized that I'm trying really hard to change and figure out my life, but my partner wasn't putting in the effort to do the same. He treated me well. Even though I'm the one who broke up with him, it still really hurt. We had been together for four years. Honestly, if we both get our lives together and fix our own individual issues, I wouldn't mind getting back together with him in a couple of years. He doesn't want to challenge himself. I do. But I am very glad this video popped up on my recommended.

[@quocanhpham8033]

Your content help me alot in my life. Thank you so much.

[@davidgrant7729]

Me too!

[@LiveDangerously77]

Thank you so much for this video... I journaled pages before seeing a series of your videos tonight & it definitely put things into perspective & i would not have assessed my current relationship as objective as humanly possible if it wasn't for your valuable content. & the conclusion is, I'm the problem, and i've not been honest abt it from the moment things took a turn going forward & now here i am deep in thought looking back... my current relation has been prolonged on borrowed time

[@Maomaomahu]

For me substance abuse is a red flag. My ex completely abused me and pressured me to get into drugs. Honestly it was the worst time in my life. Not to mention he also left me hungover for 5 hours to smoke, he got me drunk and assaulted me, and he defended his friend who tried to stab me at his party…

[@Sesso20]

Hi, I just found your channel here and I have to admit, that I have been watching this video to see what kind of flags I would hit on other people and what kind of flags I might have missed in my past relationships and honestly, I am happy that I only lack coping mechanisms, which I know and I am working on, now with therapy. I would totally agree that it is a yellow flag, could be even a red one, depending on the person.. So thanks a lot for your insight. I would also very much agree on your choices in general and the green flags were very uplifting.

[@sonnykim6755]

There is a mix of a lot of red flags and green flags I think in most relationships. Everyone cannot be perfect, we are emotional creatures.

[@andreeaoros6532]

Asa m-am speriat cand am auzit limba romana :))) E noapte si ascultam cu ochii inchisi, nu eram sigură daca dorm. Ma bucur ca esti romanca, ai o engleza tare frumoasa si imi plac videoclipurile tale. ❤

[@tommydowd7718]

This was super helpful to me! I really appreciate it! Keep up the good work!

[@slecxv4257]

One yellow flag that wasn’t in this video that I notice in myself(M16) is chronic selflessness. So for example my girlfriend(F15)struggles in school so I have been doing all of her schoolwork along with my own for several weeks now and I’m hardly getting any sleep. Even though this can be seen as a good thing I completely dis regard myself in my relationship so I’m not as healthy and strong as I could be so therefore I’m not in a place that I can give her the love that she deserves.

[@willywonka6948]

Right, and she's not learning, so you're actually hurting her education by doing her homework. It would be best to consider the consequences for yourself (lack of free time, it seems) and the consequences for her (not learning anything). Also, you can't be there for her tests, so, how's she going to pass those? Could actually hurt her grade, overall.

[@thesevenkingswelove9554]

Whattt... Let her do her own school work. What is she struggling in? It would be okay if you enjoyed doing the work and didn't lose sleep, but since it's affecting your sleep talk with her and see if something can be fixed

[@somegrill7561]

Break up

[@PrashantMaurice]

Yass, we need a video in Maslow triangle, thank you

[@AnaPsychology]

Coming next week! :)

[@sc4rlotte456]

For the friendships part, I just moved on campus and I have no friends, and only online friends, and they are basically pretty shitty people. I tend to learn a lot of how not to act from them, but its like I have no other option for people to talk to. I don't want to have somebody see my friends and think I am like them, because my values are way different than theirs, but I really can't stand just being alone all day long.

[@andersnielsen6044]

My best advice would be that you have to work on being your own best friend first..

[@magicalmalu]

i think the last point for green flags isn’t necessarily true-i don’t think we need to be excelling at the same rate or pace of our partners but more so we should be cheerleaders to them while also sustaining ourselves. so like we don’t need to be striving for greatness but if one of us is in some area the other shouldn’t be holding them back.

[@JoanFFF]

I would love to donate $5 for this video….i find this the most useful and clearly delivered for these recent 6 months

[@yvesvandyck4483]

"...and spending thousands of dollars on reckless things or things they don't need. On let's say videogames or onlyfans subscriptions..." And I took that personally. But to be serious for a moment: very astute analysis and in-depth advice on any social relationship. I learned a lot from this and it will help me to judge the quality of my future relatioships better. Thank you, Ana.

[@renatoadolfocuadroszamallo7223]

the video games and the mariokart examples killed me, is there some personal experience behind this?

[@anurvi1463]

i think even if I become completely self aware, I can never make up my mind on what to eat :')

[@markvorobjov6185]

I would put financial recklessness to red flags. I am not going to even consider dating someone who doesn't have stable income, has lots of debts or will always ask me for money.

[@otakumultifandom]

For one of your yellow flags I'm kinda so so about it. It was the one in which the person gets into a conflict with others often and you gave the example about their job and things not working there all the time. My mom has her issues yes, but her workplace was filled with low energy people who wanted a sense of authority completely above them. My mom isn't the type to let people walk over her and she can get aggressive in her way of speaking and even physically if she had to. But when it came to the work place she would verbally defend herself and those people felt threatened or something and grouped against her. In this light, I see her standing up for herself, asserting herself aka green flag. The conflict with the others is a result of her demanding respect from others. So yeah I hope that made sense.

[@timm8998]

If your mom got fired once for standup up for herself, fine. If this happens 5 times, the odds keep going higher and higher that she is the issue. That is just the way it works.

[@kay_jello]

Thank you. This really opened up my eyes to what I should expect in a relationship

[@Audiojunkk]

What’s it like to be perfect?

[@willywonka6948]

Nobody knows.

[@sarahwilliams2156]

hey ana! i love your videos. i've been starting to date casually and it's a lot of hurt and time wasted trying to decipher who's worthy of my time, your videos are a reminder to not settle and just keep it pushing :) thank you! ❤️

[@emmanuelknansah2902]

this is off topic but your skin is so clear, it looks fantastic!

[@helenadurst5993]

This is really insightful. I see a lot of yellow flags in my current partner that I only very recently met. It's mainly recreational drug taking at parties, smoking pot, poor decision making... I think once the drug taking is in control or greatly reduced his decision making will improve... but I don't think I could stay with him if even though he sees his life isn't going great he is not doing anything about it

[@amarilismelendez7878]

I think you forgot about how they relate themselves to family (green,red and yellow flag list) or maybe I like to hear about it because many of my relationships have been hard to keep to do me staying with a family that basically is the one who sits in the couch or disregards the well being of the other and such. (I believe its a complicated subject) but non the less, a good subject to talk about.

[@horchatatee5407]

I'm watching this video because I haven't been exposed to many good relationships in my life and it really hit when a lot of the red and yellow flags are things I've noticed in my parents and some aunts and uncles 😭.