Anixous Attachment & The Fear of Being "Too Much" | Uncovering the Childhood Roots

[@FloppedASF]

I am too much but yet not enough

[@mistypfitzer111]

You are exactly enough, for the right person... And more than enough, for God 🥰❤️😊🙌

[@jeannieneuser5316]

This! I understand.

[@veniaminf5105]

I feel the same Let’s learn to love and accept ourselves ❤

[@40fit38]

This is so well timed I'm currently working on this with my therapist as well as on my own. Being married to a DA for 20 years reinforced this shame immensely as well.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best of luck on your healing ❤

[@Sidera17]

Anybody have thiis wound AND the inverse of it, which is "You are not enough?" both at the same time? They probably come from the same source but in my adult life I constantly find myself either being rejected by other people because I am "too much" or I am "almost right but not quite/good enough for now" (not enough to actually commit to or not enough to place trust in, etc). To me they seem like two different wounds but I think they come from the same place.

[@game_4_growth]

Yes, too much 'wrong' & not enough 'right'. So much easier to just shut down & not even bother. I'm sorry you suffer with this dynamic as well. It's hell. Sending you so much strength & love 💙

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Does anyone resonate with the fear of being too much wound? Comment below!

[@letiziageltz1782]

Definitely! Personally, simply reaching out to somebody triggers this fear the most. I think it's a combination of the childhood wound and of my very first two relationships (which were, in hindsight, back to back, with two very unhealed DAs and a very unhealed AP (me)) where everything crumbled from 0 to 100 after I asked the age old "What are we?" question. I've internalised that mix to mean that I'm too much when I simply ask how they're doing or something. Especially when I know that they actually want me to reach out, be the one who calls first sometimes, but my fear stops me with thoughts like "Yes, they want you to call in theory but if you do, they'll realise you're too much and it'll be all your fault again!". Good thing I'm working on that.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

I experience it strongly as an FA with my DA friend because I'd love to depend more time with him and connect more but I worry all the time about whether I'm communicating too much, whether i'm taking too much initiative, whether he's feeling suffocated or overwhelmed or that I'm clingy or needy or annoying. I don't think it's an issue in my other relationships.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Yes, I still find I get heated, loud, passionate or very demonstrative if I find I'm not being heard when I express things in a normal way. I never felt my opinion was allowed as a child but was seen as insolent or 'answering back' so I get triggered if people don't take on board or respect or respond to things I say. It's even worse if they respond really positively to someone else saying exactly the same thing as if they were the first person to say it and I was invisible!

[@ellyhunter7252]

It's very hard now days with economics the way they are, many people have to live with their parents for a lot of their adult lives, where dynamics like these keep getting repeated. It's quite hard to come out of your shell and reprogram yourself to be expressive, when any time you do so in front of your family you still get shot down. It seems like you end up with a split personality; one at work or with friends where you can be yourself, and one at home where you have to subdue yourself and not speak out of turn, or do so and have to deal with the backlash. How would you recommend tackling this?

[@howtosober]

This has been the cause of all my anxiety about forming close relationships with people, and the sense of impending doom that haunts me in committed partnerships. I was constantly told to "tone it down" and other toxic versions of the same message. Family cutoffs were the best thing for my mental health- then discovering PDS to heal the attachment wounding. Thank you SO much for this topic.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

To extend, people who shame others for whatever it is, it usually means they're shaming themselves for the exact same things. What do you think?

[@annalloyd2180]

This is the statement of my life and no matter how hard I try to be giving, loving, a joy to have around I always end up getting abandoned and in the name of being too much. I’ve got so much emotional, mental and sexual trauma and from birth by my own father and others that I don’t know how to get out of this. I’ve done years and years of therapy, having 2 of those therapists leave the same way. Also my recent best friend of many years who became a therapist then left in the same way. It honestly feels like I can’t get away from avoidant and slightly narcissistic people. And man do I try hard to do so.

[@Sidera17]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I relate so much because even the professionals leave! I didn't start out with a lot of trauma, just being a "big personality," and then the trauma accumulated from the rejections. I am so sorry yours comes from terrible trauma at the start, I have complicated medical issues-- nothing to with emotional stuff, and the doctors have even left me to sicken because it was "too much!". I truly believe the body and mind are united in biology and we have to fight to find the right people who won't discriminate against us for being who we were meant to be biologically.

[@annalloyd2180]

@@Sidera17 I’m so sorry😞 Anyone who knows this pain, knows what the dark nights of the soul are. When even the professionals who are supposed to help and understand, and in a way that others don’t or can’t and they give up, it’s crazy hurtful. I’m glad that you are here and reached out to help lift my heart. Thank you so very much, bless you!

[@emilyb5557]

Hey, sounds so familiar. A lot of us who are members on PDS have similar stories in various forms. I've honestly found pds more helpful than any therapy. If you can even just the 7-14d free trial might be worth it, start on the core wounds and the course shows you how to start working on it. Come to the webinars they are like live coaching in a way, and v active with discussion & sharing after). One thing that stricks me is the description of you trying so so hard but also abandoning yourself. Start giving yourself that effort & attention. It's hard to say stop giving too much to others but you can see that strategy doesn't work. It helps when you can get to a point of understanding your contribution in the dynamic. You're prob v right in attracting avoidant BUT also you might be subconsciously pushing ppl away (esp if you are FA not pure AP?) Or honestly the trying so so hard Ironically has that effect on even secure ppl not just avoidants. Lots of reasons why too much for you tube video reply lol but understanding that encourages less over giving & filling up yourself more too. Hope you can find a way pds or otherwise 😊

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

new core wound unlocked. honestly though i feel this on such a deep level I didn’t realize it was an insecurity. as I’ve become more secure (former very DA) i have become much more aware of my emotional needs, but still feel weird/too much for having them. I think it’s tied to feeling unworthy as well as shameful

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing your experience w this

[@Zoe88859]

Maybe there’s a link between this “I’m too much” belief and the “cool girl” phenomenon (thinking you need to appear not to have needs to be loved/wanted) 🤔 thanks Thais, eye-opening as always 🙏🏼

[@kw9801]

I have both

[@bluescrubby]

OMG I get so triggered when my daughter gets angry or is too loud, and even though I know exactly where it comes from (emotionally unavailable and unaware father quickly triggered into punishment), I just can't seem to make space between my daughters actions and my reactions. I'm going to try the activity you mentioned. Thanks for all of your videos!

[@helensiebeneich9106]

I absolutely love the peacock cover in that regard

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you! I will share that with the team member that created it :)

[@howtosober]

This has been the cause of all my anxiety about forming close relationships with people, and the sense of impending doom that haunts me in committed partnerships. I was constantly told to "tone it down" and other toxic versions of the same message. Family cutoffs were the best thing for my mental health- then discovering PDS to heal the attachment wounding. Thank you SO much for this topic.

[@game_4_growth]

In trying to get my needs met, or any type of connection with my parents growing up, it was mirrored to me that I was too much. I quickly learned that negative attention was better than no attention at all. Needless to say, I think at least half of my childhood was spent being grounded in my room, along with a threat of being sent to military school......and I really wasn't that bad. Just. Too. Much. The other half was spent hustling for approval, which was never given. Damn! I now do that to myself (& sometimes others) and I choose partners that I allow to do it to me too. I've got some work to do. And a lot of self-loving. Thank you Thais , this is what I needed to hear. In Gratitude & Love🙏💙

[@kw9801]

Wow, that hit the nail on the head. 🤯 I now realise this is definitely a core wound I have and I know where it came from. As a child I would cry a lot, I think on a daily basis. Every time i wasnt allowed something that was important to me (my mother was pretty strict) I was devastated and cried (never threw a tantrum though). I didnt think it was for attention since I knew it didnt work (and i also cried when parents werent around, like it was my way of dealing with frustration) In my mind I was just very sensitive and devastated in those moments. My mother would get angry and when in public would hiss at me under her breath to stop crying because i would embarrass us as everyone was looking and when at home just told me to go cry in another room where she wouldnt hear it since she had 25 crying children at work all day (she is a kindergarten teacher). My father wasnt around very much and I know my mother was very stressed out with work, children, paying all the bills and the debt my father would pile up on top. Still this behaviour caused me to think I was a bad bad girl, I was an unbearable person etc. I also blame(d) nyself because I can see how a child that is crying over every BS must be very draining. As an adult I rarely cry because I have a happy life and luckily not many reasons to cry but if something comes up i cannot cry in front of others because I was shamed for crying on a daily basis as a child. I also dont know how to console others because I wasnt consoled as a child and I never learned how to. I remember my mom once came home after not seeing me for a week and I was crying because my brother and friend were nagging me. She came to console me and hugged me asked me what was wrong. I was in complete utter shock. That this was happening and she was nice and didnt tell me to get out of her face. In hindsight it was because she hadnt seen me for a week since I had been on a school trip and probably missed me. The feeling of being comforted by my mother was so unknown and beautiful that i kept on crying so she wouldnt stop. Me not stopping to cry despite her efforts then made her mad again and she left me there crying in the corner. I was 10 or so. I felt so so horrible that i messed up this beautiful situation so badly... Today this feeling of im just too much comes up the most when I'm in love. I'm AP so i wanna text so much and see the person so much and compliment them all the time and so on and so forth. I now try holding back and not letting it out too much. But its sad to have to feel like that

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You are very sweet and sensitive and I hope you love and accept yourself. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably

[@kw9801]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you, I think it wanted out 🙏 so thank your for this video and the opportunity to share

[@paige8361]

This is so me! I have always been a naturally happy, easily excitable and outgoing person. And I promise it isn't to an over-the-top, loud, or annoying extent. My parents are absolutely wonderful people, but both are extremely stoic and show zero emotion. Always got the feeling I was "too much" or not serious enough in life. I seem to gravitate towards men (romantically speaking) who are dismissive and also show no emotion at all - probably to "win" the stamp of approval from my parents that I never got. This makes me feel so much better. Thank you Thais! ❤

[@amaliaesposito3942]

Might be experiencing this now. I feel I overshare and that when I feel bad i'm too much. I try to not need anything and be as easy as possible. And when I feel difficult I spiral and feel so messed up I try to take space to reset. It's hard to heal.

[@sshuteandrew]

Yes, children were to seen and not heard in my home growing up. My parents fought constantly- no time for kids’ needs. If I whispered it was too much. I never would have dared to make a bid for their attention as I avoided them both, however, it was made clear that I was an inconvenience, and as such, too much.

[@The_NutritionChef]

Same in mine

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I am sorry you expereinced this.. Thank you for sharing and I wish you the best in your healing ❤

[@juliaskagfjord6207]

Similar upbringing

[@antoinettelarceri7870]

Literally the same

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the explanation about how childhood impacts this and loved the compassionate approach towards parents!!

[@shugadaddy4841]

Wow this actually helped me be a better parent. You made me understand why he gets loud sometimes and that I need to focus on him. Thank you

[@adamwood87]

make a video about how to properly raise kids. better parents raise happier kids who become adults without all of the issues, instead of trying to fix the damage later in life. hit the problem at its core.

[@The_NutritionChef]

These are all reflective of why it’s important to have a stay at home mother who isnt focused on a career. Distracted parents are the cause of these issues bc infants are sensitive, like a dry sponge soaking up anything and everything shown to them that is the most important time. Its simple but overlooked in the modern world

[@The_NutritionChef]

@@sunbeam9222 of course! But they also need to be present and non distracted. Both are issues no ones arguing self healing

[@nightsideoveden]

I have been wanting PDS to make a video on this, I think it would be very insightful to know Thias' perspective on raising a securely attached child

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We will be introducing this type of content very soon. Thank you for your comment

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

this is great, i get this feeling all the time with absolutely everyone as soon as I start talking a lot, I feel guilty that I'm too much :(. thank you, now I understand why, I remember what in childhood caused it and I'll address it in therapy

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@YW-gm9gu]

While I do know that self-acceptance is necessary, something about this whole ordeal says it is okay for others to want and be too much but the same cannot be said about myself. Or at least people cannot seem to handle when I show myself in its entirety. Parts are okay but not the whole self. Though I do interpret it as myself being too much, the people I am in relationships with also reinforce this logic. "So this is what you're really like." Even when pushed to the extent of being upset, I still have to wear a mask or face judgement. What has this world come to?

[@hayl888]

hi hi, been emailing about lifetime access when Im a member already. no reply so far! really grateful for the help and courses , you guys are amazing 💚

[@bradtriesstuff]

Then there's the fun dynamic that I would guess is typical of AP and maybe FA types where for all the people you care about, you're not enough, but for people you aren't super close with, you're always too much. It's fun stuff!! 🤣🤣😬

[@ginagina9592]

Umm… you’re right. When I moved away from my mom I stopped being like that. Now I have to live with her and she treats me the same way. So the self shaming starts all over again

[@stevensantora2976]

I am so sorry to hear.

[@The_NutritionChef]

1 second ago These are all reflective of why it’s important to have a stay at home mother who isnt focused on a career. Distracted parents are the cause of many of these issues bc infants are sensitive, like a dry sponge soaking up anything and everything shown to them at this most important time of the developing brain. Its simple but overlooked in the modern world

[@er6730]

Of course, this doesn't help parents who are just completely blind to compassion, etc. But the parents who are really trying, those are the ones where if you remove some stress it's much easier for them to do a good job.

[@The_NutritionChef]

@@er6730 exactly

[@kw9801]

What about a stay at home father?

[@The_NutritionChef]

@@kw9801 by their inherent nature, women tend to be natural at empathy and caretaking and understanding emotional landscape of a human being and men, naturally better at providing. Im not suggesting a debate on gender roles feminism or politics , im sharing a key component that would avoid many of the problems if mothers (or yes a father) stayed home , around the clock with the kids and show up for them emotionally so they are seen and heard which will not create these outcomes.

[@natalewska]

I often feel too much and get that feeling from a partner's reactions. is it possible to have too much of a need? I imagine that can be the case when the need is not satisfied by oneself and expected to be satisfied by the partner instead. what if, when one expresses a need, the partner claims it's satisfied by them and accuses of manipulation and making up things? I'm not really sure how to find the common understanding when the perceptions differ a lot, it feels like being too much but at the same time it's frustrating cause the lack of satisfaction is still there, right. the partner claims to be securely attached so I'm always the one in the wrong here and feel guilty for expressing or even having the need, it's so confusing.

[@dentrout9383]

You know who was "too much" ? My "parents".