Annabel Croft on Coping with the Sudden Loss of a Partner

[@sueprice4082]

I have only watched half of this interview so far and all I can say is that Annabel’s experience is almost a mirror image of mine with my husband, both health wise and with the attitude of the hospital at the most awful time of our lives. My husband was older but had cancer, abdominal pain, infections and finally sepsis in September, seven weeks in the worst surroundings I can imagine with people who have all the “exams’” but have no compassion. There were, however, several doctors who worked tirelessly to help him. Those of us left behind have a long sentence of working our lives out. I send love to Annabel, such a lovely lady. Thank you Julia. Sue x

[@Sweetpea-oy7bm]

Annabel, thankyou for being so open and honest with your grief here. It's such early days for you, and I am full of admiration for you that you are 'choosing life'. I 'lost' my husband suddenly 3 years ago. What really helped me to make sense of his going was a friend lending me a copy of 'Journey of Souls' by Michael Newton. I then bought his other books plus all by Brian Weiss and Robert Schwartz. See if they resonate with you. When you talked about Mel not being there at the dinner table with the family and where had he gone to, you voiced something I grappled with for ages, till I read an explaination somewhere. Our brain 'knows' that they have 'died' (because we saw their body die etc.), but some part of us 'knows' that they are still alive (their soul) and we can't reconcile the two things. I can't find the actual quote (I've written so many realisations as they came to me), but it may have been about forming new neural pathways to cope with it. Be gentle and patient with yourself. It's a process that you can't hurry. Thankyou Julia for your sensitivity and expertise.

[@perfectlypurrfect1404]

This interview touched close to home. I had just turned 58 , 9 days prior to my husbands sudden death. A perfectly healthy man here one minute and gone the next. The added trauma of being in a foreign developing country and having to do CPR and get to a hospital. The thing that helped me is your course Julia. I will be forever grateful that I found the griefworks app. 14 months later the tsunami has turned to a tropical storm 💔

[@ciarasisk5496]

Completely agree, I was so happy I found Julia and her podcast. My 58 year old husband died suddenly of cardiac arrhythmia having had high blood pressure 8 months ago. It was a terrible shock to me and our three kids - he was the light of our lives and we were together for 32 years. Her advice and her beautiful way of helping those in grief is incredibly comforting.

[@mom4peace919]

So sorry for your loss Annabel. I lost my husband almost 7 years ago in a similar manner and we were soulmates on every level. The hole left behind is impossible to fill and grief still sneaks up on me all these years later. Be patient and kind to yourself - it was your love, and it will be your grief your way.

[@LauraClifton-w7e]

My heart goes out to you Annabel...After losing my Sister (Best Friend) recently to MND and also my own cancer diagnosis, I am also deeply concerned how upsetting news is communicated. I have been appalled by aome approaches and feel there is a real need for education in this matter. I speak as a retired NHS Lead Therapist of 36yrs. I so felt your pain in this issue over and above the desperate grief you are having to go through. The least clinicians can do is not to add to your distress. I so admired you on Strictly....and now admire you even more. Take care xx

[@pblossom3757]

Within my mothers terminal cancer diagnosis we have experienced the most incredible care... and yet the most abhorent treatment from medical professionals. My mother herself,a retired nursing Sister, has herself never experienced such attitudes in all her years of practice. Arrogance from old school consultants, abruptness from old school Matrons from years gone by but never the treatment of patients, especially those dealing with terminal diagnosis in what i can only describe as callous indifference. One especially as with Annabels heartbreaking experience, too was almost psychopathic in her enjoyment of a horrendous time within it all... Love to Annabel and her and Mels children. And thank you Julia for your incredible interviews and phenomenal skills...❤

[@annac6455]

Thank you Annabel for being so brave to talk about your grief. We have had similar experience of very concerning inhuman attitude during a very traumatic time. And speaking loudly in front of the patient about not resuscitating if they have a heart attack made us question the psychological condition of the hospital staff member we were dealing with. It's been during the grieving process that we have seen the best and the worst in hospital / care providers. Having a faith as well as supportive people around us has helped.

[@alisonpoiner630]

Annabel croft is such a lovely lady. So brave to talk about it so openly. Strength to her and her family. X

[@selinaarthur1880]

much love to Annabel and the family. RIP Mel

[@juliecumming5053]

I lost my husband 4 months ago and my father 2 months ago. Like so many my story is mirror image of Annabelle’s. All within 10 months my husband passed away. I too couldn’t watch the full vid but will do. It’s so upsetting xx

[@alisonhamling1212]

Oh Annabel, I'm so sorry for your experience and for your loss. I used to be a nurse, and can assure you this woman's cold demeanour (24:57) was not in keeping with those of us who loved our profession and demonstrated respect for our patients, and their relatives. I can feel your pain and resonate with a lot of what you describe from my own grief journey. Julia, you are amazing and thank you for your work.

[@juliasamuelmbe]

Thank you for the heartfelt and sincere comment. And I agree, not all nurses act the way Annabel's did. Many are deeply compassionate and really dedicated to the people they are helping.

[@carolinerenouf6032]

What a wonderful, open, brave, and heartrending interview. Annabel is such a lovely, genuine person, so strong to be able to unburden herself in this way, and I just felt that I wished I were with her to give her a huge hug. The love for Mel and the utter devastation she feels shine through. I felt that being able to talk through it step by step and express things openly was helping her to think about some things which she hadn't been able to do before, and with your empathy and perception, Julia, helping her in a step forward to processing the future. The trauma which she still re-lives from the day Mel died is so evident, and total and utter shame on that awful nurse - it beggars belief that this behaviour and attitude are permitted to be practised in what should be a caring environment. Such a creature should not be working with people, especially dying people, and nor should that horrendous consultant. Maybe writing to Mel in a positive way, as you suggest, Julia, and expressing things on paper, may help with processing some of the final day trauma.

[@laurarudge6170]

The most incredible interview, thank you Annabel for sharing.

[@caroldoyle70]

So very sorry Annabel . I hope you and the family have made a formal complaint about that health worker’s behaviour. It really increased the awfulness and trauma of an already dreadful situation. I know they think the patient has the right to know but there has to be a better way..so hard. Beforehand it sounds like you and your beloved husband cared so much about each other that you didn’t discuss the possibility of his premature death..and so things perhaps feel ‘unfinished’ . Maybe you can think of that as a positive..love for each other was the reason . A very special love. ❤️

[@serpadre87]

I lost my 38yo girlfriend 4 months ago, after 14 years of relationship. She passed away due to a sepsis in just 2-3 days. She had symptoms of the flu, we went to ER twice in 3 days and she was diagnosed with the flu… but it wasn't… only that. She had both the flu and a strep A blood infection. It's an absolute nightmare. Thank you Julia and Annabel for this interview. Sending lots of love

[@MegaYAJA]

I lost my little Mama four years ago. I was her carer and fought to keep her at home; she had dementia, curvature of the spine and was deaf. But everyone loved her. In the last few months she suffered from massive tissue damage; stage 4 from bad equipment (she was bedridden) bad harnesses which tore her fragile skin, because she had scoliosis. I was forced to accept an air mattress but I insisted, it would damage her spine even further. No one listened, they insisted 'they knew best'. She died in pain ten days after being on the mattress. I slept downstairs in order to turn her every hour & because of the lack of support for her spine she basically jack-knifed which impacted her heart and twisted her rib cage around. The day she was dying the head nurse and another who was panicking were there. I had a breakdown in front of them both, screaming that they had killed her because in fact, they had by refusing to take her off the mattress which was impacting her lungs. As I broke down, the head nurse patted my arm and said, 'She's old, she's dying, it is NOT the mattress'. As Mama struggled to breathe they suggested I 'Held a hand fan in front of her mouth to help her get breaths'. I screamed and howled; my sister was present and witnessed the level of cruelty towards us and almost pleasure as Annabel says, in watching this horror unfold. I will never, NEVER get over the pain Mama was in during those last nights as she struggled to rock herself upright, which was impossible because her body weight was sinking deeper and deeper into the air mattress. I will never forget the way we were treated, and I don't want to. There was no duty of care, no compassion, no respect for the way we wanted to treat mama (we had EPOA but that didn't seem to matter). It boils down to this; if you show genuine love, care and knowledge about how your loved one should be treated, the medical profession hate you for it and punish you for defying them by using cruelty towards you.

[@peace_oceans]

Incredible openness. Sharing this is so helpful to many of us. Thank you.

[@jenny_b_]

My 58 yr old husband passed away in his sleep via a silent heart attack 3 weeks ago tomorrow and my world has crumbled. I met him when I was 21 too😢 This conversation feels like a warm hug from the universe right now. Thank you 🙏🏼❤️

[@juliasamuelmbe]

Oh gosh. That’s so sad. I’m very sorry for your loss 😞

[@harrietsadleir5807]

Poor Annabel. So sad. Thinking of her xx

[@rachelwesterman1223]

I found this very helpful. I lost my partner in January this year. He was just 41. II feel traumatised too. He was also the love of my life. My heart breaks for Annabel and her family. I also found some of the medical staff very unsympathetic. I was in the hospital the week my partner died, sitting in a chair. I hadnt sleep or eaten anything for days. My Dad was so worried about me one night that he convinced me to go home to try and sleep and shower. As I left the room, the nurse kept questioning how I could leave and pulling faces at me. At that stage we didnt know how long he had and my family were concerned that I couldn't carry on without sleep for another week. She made me feel so awful that I didnt sleep and I still berate myself for leaving now. He died 3 days later.

[@JohannusFandangulus]

What a touching interview - it helped me a lot. Really thankful that Annabel was able to be so open. Julia, I’m so impressed by your hosting, the show format and your incredible daughters who provided me with more thought and comfort. I think the show title ‘Therapy Works’ might put some people off though. Comes across a bit arrogant. It doesn’t work for everyone.

[@karenrousseau434]

Annabel, how can we make sense of these moments we remain behind to live through? I am very sorry. I was 58, Clarence 60 when we found out overnight there were days left. We married at 20 and 22. Locally, I was given 30 min at a time in CCU until I was able to transfer him to Vanderbilt where we could be together at all times. It was stunning to let go of so much of those days before, all the growing up together, it was wonderful - and it was gone in 42 days. “Dignity+Love=Us❤” is the last thing he wrote to me. I was fortunate to remarry about five years later. So open to remarrying after that great experience of before. Then … the same frank delivery of the “incurable, untreatable, maybe get away if you can now” with our heads spinning and readjusting everything with such little guidance. We had eight months - and he died at home last year. We all did our very best - and can only hope that clinicians will readjust their approach - I have been a part of that system, and I am ashamed. But the love remains. And as much as it hurts, I would rather be vulnerable than have those hard hearts beating inside me. Sending you so much love.

[@adeletaylor4327]

Oh Annabel, I’m so very sorry. I hope at some point you consider EMDR to help process the hospital trauma. ❤❤

[@morikae369]

Thank you for such an honest conversation. I can really feel the pain and trauma of this family and I’m so sorry they had to go through this. It was very similar quite sudden death, awful people in the healthcare when my dad died 11 years ago. Using EFT (emotional freedom technique) and matrix reimprinting - helped resolve this trauma for me and allowed me to grieve properly and well. I’m now a therapist using these modalities myself as I they were so life changing for me. I hope Annabel and her children get some good effective therapy (it is not made equal!) to help them on their journey and I can already see how she is going to help so many families spreading the word of the cancer treatments and in grief too. Much love and gratitude ❤

[@Msfifisquarepantz]

I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss . It is my belief that many people are attracted to health work because they are masochists. That statement may seem very harsh and wildly crazy but unfortunately, I have had direct and multiple experiences that are hard to believe and can’t be denied or explained any other way. I heard of my husbands death after he did not come home one evening. He had gone to his volunteer work with animals . We were living in my husbands country and due to language, I was quite solitary and isolated. After he was two hours late, I began to call around; hospital, police, and his friend, Paul, who did the same volunteer work. I knew something was very wrong. I called Paul again and this time someone answered and I could hear yelling and chaos. And then a man’s voice announced “ Madame. Your husband is dead.” He hung up. Paul had found him in the locker room where they changed into barn coats and Wellies. They had not come to get me ( we had no car and I had no cab money ) They just took him away to the city for an autopsy. They actually misplaced his body for 3 days at the state facility and when he finally was returned to the mortuary, they said he was too decomposed to be viewed and banned me from doing so. The next day, I was visited by the city attorney who told me to pack up. As my husband was gone, I had no legal right to be there, She gave me 7 days. There was so much trauma piled on my other that by the time I left there I was fairly catatonic; just standing in the middle of the room not moving, not speaking, trying to think , needing to act . It was cruelty on top of tragedy. The people I had to interact with were heartless. And frankly, I’m shocked that I’ve made it to this point. That was five years ago. I am back home now. And so is he. I was allowed to carry his earn with me on the international flight. I tell you this because I know it was a question for you. There is a slip the mortuary will give you. But the airlines allows you not to declare it. You can also have the earn shipped. No problem. I have still kept the earn with me. I feel no pressing need to scatter the ashes. As I know he is not there. I feel he stayed watch over me for a while but that he has gone ahead. There is a song called Sand and Water that I encourage you to listen to. I have gone through many hardships and changes. I have no family and friends are few now. It’s as if they think that grief is catching. What keeps me going is that he had said to me many times that he loved life and would want to live no matter what. I knew that he wanted me to take better care of myself as I had been through some quite unbelievable trauma before we moved from my country. It was the reason we moved. To have a new start. Your interview has caused me to cry. I haven’t cried for 4 years. I didn’t think I could. I thank you for that. The afternoon he died, I was sitting on the bed doing my makeup and he walked by the door and then he backed up and stood looking at me. He said “ Oh my God! You look just like an Angel”. And then he left. I wish you love and hope. And at every turn, someone to make it better somehow.

[@debraobrien4868]

Thank just my partner to similar circumstances was very helpful

[@lynnebailey6528]

And what on earth is the point of then pulling it apart with her daughters!!! Horrendous

[@maddang1797]

Hi Julia Do you have links to Isabella's details and research? I came here after listening to your Instagram interview with her.

[@lynnebailey6528]

I really can't see how how this helped annabel at all. It was painful to watch and l didn't feel the therapists approach, questions or suggestions aided at all. Terrible. Much love to annabel and her family. X

[@carolinerenouf6032]

On the contrary, I felt that Julia's empathetic approach and suggestions helped Annabel as the interview progressed to be able to work through some things she hadn't been able to before, to look at a few things differently, and to discuss being able to look to the future

[@lynnebailey6528]

@@carolinerenouf6032 I think annabel has got looking to the future covered.