Are the menzies okay??? Insecurity & Control masquerading as care | Khadija Mbowe

[@heatherhaven1268]

I remember breast cancer awareness commercials being like “she’s somebody’s daughter, she’s somebody’s mother” and “save the titties” but nothing about the person experiencing the cancer…

[@lovelylesbian5135]

Exactly it's always "she's somebody's x" and not that "she's somebody" :(

[@toaster9562]

Yup, they want to protect their (potential) property

[@sarahrobertson634]

Yup. It's not about us. It's always about who we are to THEM.

[@pahvi3]

It's so fucking sad, like can we just be seen as people, it's 2023??

[@jabc4748]

Dang, I remember that!! It’s a perfect example

[@s29nv1sr1]

I think that we don't really respect mothers as the nuanced human beings they can be. We idolize them, sure, and romanticize the idea of motherhood - think of how many images of raising kids/giving birth/nourishing a child have been pushed to young girls - but we expect their desires, wishes, and in some cases even careers to stop once motherhood begins. It's like we only view them as baby-making machines, not an actual person with hopes and feelings outside of their kid(s)

[@BeautifulEarthJa]

Women, not just mothers

[@unseenmolee]

as someone whos been, and still is being, traumatized by a mother that doesnt care to be a real mother to me in any way that matters.... i want to respect mothers but i think really im just so hurt by what mine put me thru that all i see is her. her fake smile, her plausibly deniable passive aggressiveness, constantly picking at me and pressuring me into what she wants.. ik theres good mothers out there but i feel like theres more bad than good and it really hurts me how kids are being forced into toxic environments, being shown on tiktok and insta as prizes, objects to attain and not real human beings.... idk what my point even is cuz i do really agree that mothers are looked down on and under appreciated in a lot of ways. but i dont want to praise mothers just because theyre a mother? cuz like my mom might have birthed and fed and housed me but she does not deserve any praise for doing the bare fucking minimum

[@morganyu812]

I don't buy this narrative. I think most people do respect mothers. Even with the nuance. It's just blown out of proportion because it's a celebrity thing.

[@plasticjesus444]

@@morganyu812 well no

[@morganyu812]

@@plasticjesus444 That was a lazy response. "Well no". To what exactly?

[@pierceh9555]

Speaking as a man, i accidentally deleted my animal crossing save, so i specifically am not doing ok

[@KhadijaMbowe]

🥺 oh no

[@adeleviuhko7186]

I'm holding a virtual silent moment for your save 😔🙏 God give you strength my man

[@mossthebryophyter]

I'm so sorry. As a fellow Animal crossing fan, that honestly would hurt me too

[@ohbooyourselves]

R.I.P 😢

[@atoucangirl]

truly these are dark times

[@snowpeas6110]

It's also scary that a lot of men can't seem to empathise with women as individuals... As an Australia, our previous Prime Minister literally came out and said he didn't realise how damaging or traumatic sexual assault could be until his wife pulled him aside and asked him "what if it was me or one of our daughters?" Why can you only understand when it is related to you and what you see as 'your property'? Terrifying for a leader to admit this.

[@toomuchinformation]

Yes, but very illuminating and indicative of how a lot of men think. I'm sure there's research of men becoming more aware of women's rights once they have a daughter.

[@Coastpsych_fi99]

You forgot the part where $200k of tax payer money was spent to get the previous prime minister “empathy training”. It’s so fascinating the lack of self-awareness and inability to empathise that some people have.

[@heykaylc23]

@@Coastpsych_fi99 oof the corruption, what else is new?

[@delasias9153]

Scummo still didn't understand and nor did his wife as she publicly criticised a sexual assault victim for not being "diplomatic" because she didn't shake Scummo's hand because he did absolutely nothing about multiple sex scandals in parliament house and by politicians, including blocking investigations into them.

[@user-lp2he1md6i]

Only valuing this they have perceived ownership over. In this case he really doesn’t care about that they are a wife and daughter, it’s only because they “belong” to him. It’s a Weird ass mentality, I know.

[@kiwwykeen5305]

“YOU CAN BE SMART AND ALSO SHAKE THAT ASS” YEEEES thank you, we contain multitudes!!!

[@chasityboatman4928]

I'm sure Keke's baby daddy did tell her in private, and when she did as she wanted, he went to public shaming. Men will gather your friends, family, whoever they can into trying to shame a woman to "stay in her place." Keke's baby daddy posted pictures of her twerking and looking good, and that was fine because it was on his terms. But the moment Keke flaunted herself for herself and not for her man? He publicly shames her. He should have kept quiet in the house that Keke paid for.

[@theanimerapper6351]

I agree that he shouldn't have brought it online but it's understandable why he'd be pressed if she's shaking it for someone else 😂

[@thatsaweirdbug]

Literally they did not say shaking they said 'flaunting' which in itself is a strong word for choosing to wear smth revealing. Plus regardless of how ~valid~ his feelings may or may not be trying to make an example of his own partner online is like. Actually insane toddler behaviour lmfao

[@chasityboatman4928]

@@theanimerapper6351 I'd just be thankful that someone as stunning as Keke was shaking it for me at all

[@thatsaweirdbug]

Although I know you said the online part wasn't ok so I didn't need to drive that home, it's more just that his entitlement to feel slighted by his partner wearing smth he finds revealing while she interacts with other men is like. Definitely not giving her the space to be her own person making choices abt her own presentation

[@Da1PrettyT]

Actually she flaunted herself for Usher while Darius was at home taking care of the kid. Thats some hoe -ish right there.

[@Sunmoonandstars123]

This is such an important conversation!!!! I’m a mother, I dress and present “differently” than the societal standards. I dress in tight clothes, I love my beautiful postpartum body!!! I have tattoos and a shaved head. I get so much shade and staring from parents and kids alike. Luckily my husband is a gorgeous, confident man who loves me as I am and celebrates the way I express myself.

[@ap5587]

That’s amazing! It’s great to confident moms dressing the way they want ❤❤

[@Cyanopteryx]

That's awesome, I'm happy for you guys :) I'm an enby mom so a lot of people are shocked when I tell them I have a kid and am married. I don't exactly look the part, but my husband has celebrated and supported the way I express myself from the beginning and that makes the biggest difference.

[@dr.braxygilkeycruises1460]

I dress appropriately for my age and size *Because That's How I Roll.* What I hate is how people feel the need to tell others what they should and should not wear. I think *the way you described yourself if BEAUTIFUL!!!!!* 🤗🤗🤗

[@flamingaish]

im so happy for you guys!!

[@Kick0a0cat]

​@@dr.braxygilkeycruises1460I think "appropriately" might not be the best word but I see what you mean and you're right🙌🏽

[@theaverageglasses6197]

When you said you feel that men are "giving jealous", I really felt that. I've read so many frickin articles about "men in crisis" the past few years, how "young men are lost" and how they are "sad and lonely" and while I sympathize I was always annoyed by the fact, that those articles effectively suggested women should care more. You know what? Maybe women have been spending their time trying to fix shit and if men want the benefit of that, maybe THEY should fix THEIR shit THEMSELVES. It is tiring.

[@ruminationstation4200]

"men are falling behind". Ok but women were KEPT behind for literally a millenia. If a % of men can't keep up now that they actually have to compete with women, that sounds like a them problem.

[@hikariluanGC]

I couldn’t agree more. People in general should put more time into fixing their shit, but the men seem like they want to be coddled way too much. They need to stop being emotional vampires and just deal with the hardships as everyone else. And that’s coming from a gay guy, even the gay menzieses can be wild mess and I don’t have time for those.

[@morganyu812]

I think most of those articles already expect that men will fix their problems eventually. They would like more support and people to care but odds are they never will.

[@DumplingDoodle]

i think it's honestly more just empathy that we're looking for. or at least that i and those i know are looking for, can't speak for everyone. obviously generalizing is not productive, but in my experience women (and an alarming amount of men) tend to look past everything i say and instead imply that because i want the problems men experience recognized and addressed, i somehow don't respct and value commentary about the problems women experience. it's really frustrating. it doesn't need to be a contest, we all get fucked over by patriarchal bullshit, and yet because it's a PATriachy, some people just assume that men don't suffer from standards set by it. it's all cyclical, and i say as much, but people just don't listen, and contribute to that same cycle even more.

[@bdott1538]

@@morganyu812it’s the calling on women to care that is the problem. Men need to call on MEN to care. MEN are the ones who need to tear Patriarchy down.

[@henxaigaming1682]

I had an ex who use to do this to me and I was "flattered" because it was disguised as "caring" when in reality it was just control. I finally got fed up because I was losing myself and I told him to pursue what he wanted. There are ladies who are conservative (nothing wrong with that), but don't go for non-conservative women expecting them to change. GO FOR THE WOMEN YOU WANT!

[@laurengeorge4251]

I am sorry this happened to you...but i don't think them going after conservative/"traditional" women will help. 'Cuz they barely respect those women either.

[@Nortarachanges]

As Trevor Noah’s momma said “they don’t want a caged bird. They want a bird flying free they can put in a cage”

[@jibarabicha4853]

This 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 They want the challenge of ‘taming’ the woman. Even though she doesn’t need taming and it’s just the way she likes to express her confidence and beauty.

[@justalostlocal]

@@Nortarachanges 100% The most insidious part is that these type of men crave the process of subjugating women who’re mature and confident, not women who are willingly subservient or reserved.

[@jayrose8869]

I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with saying I don’t want to be with someone who does such and such. Women do it all the time. Don’t try to change them, just find someone else. It’s awfully convenient she comes out now that he’s having a baby tho.

[@dashytbytch3]

that's exactly it. men are afraid of their partner looking "too good" because THEY KNOW what other men think like, because that's how THEY think when THEY see a woman that looks good. it is abusive and controlling to try and tell your partner how to dress, point blank period. it's truly scary how many men don't see anything wrong with what keke's dependent and jonah hill said. i'll never date a man again.

[@ta4770]

Purr. It's always a confession!

[@beewest5704]

True I was even shocked at how many men & even women saw nothing wrong with Jonah or Keke's bfs so- called boundaries.

[@undercover_idiot]

Exactly, If they're able to see a reflection of themselves in other toxic men they've got a lot more to worry about than a gorgeous mother in a dress.

[@jayrose8869]

If you know people treat you differently when you wear skimpy clothes and you don’t care then go ahead and do it. But trying to change the way majority of people think will never work. That’s like arguing with the weatherman about using an umbrella when he says it’s going to rain. Yes the weather can change but odds are it probably won’t.

[@neoqwerty]

@@Loch1210 The only "telling your partner what they can't do" that's legit: 1- financial (which, sit the eff down and communicate and budget together, have monthly "splurge fund" budgeting to help avoid the "we can't afford that" arguments from impulse buys) 2- "this is a bad idea and you're gonna get hurt" risky activities that are likely to end with someone in the hospital If it's anything else ask them if they want a ladder so they can get off your back.

[@trebornosnittap]

As a mom it’s not every man policing who you can be after you’ve given birth, it’s EVERYONE. “You do what? Your a mom how” “you go out…where’s your child” It’s very strange lol

[@Sunmoonandstars123]

If I had a dollar for every time someone saw me out and asked “where are the kids?” as small talk, I’d be a rich af mom. Im just going to start saying “I don’t know.”

[@ballman2010]

​@@Sunmoonandstars123lol, "I was hoping you knew where they are!" Would love to see their face😂

[@notbot2648]

THIS IS IT

[@Feliciations]

And they NEVER ASK MEN.

[@jibarabicha4853]

Oh yes, it’s the other mom’s and the older ladies passing this judgement. I’m a single mom and have to dress way more conservatively when around other married women and school related activities. Otherwise, I get distrustful looks and vibes from people because I’m not following the ‘mom aesthetic’. It’s what I have had to do to get people’s respect and try to make connections. Very judgmental world we live in.

[@lloroshastar6347]

I'm a cis het man and honestly I really do not understand this whole manosphere... like... at all. I really don't get the appeal of it, and I really don't understand why some people think turning women into slaves or servants or whatever is such a great thing! What kind of a 'man' wants a woman who is only with you through coercion or control? Why!? Surely it's better to be with someone who genuinely likes you and wants to be with you through their own choice.

[@newjumpcityjosh9333]

Generations of patriarchal conditioning. No one is immune from propaganda and I used to be ignorant on a lot of these topics Khadijah speaks on. It took me getting dumped by my ex to start reflecting and seeking out womens pov and I wish I had this understanding sooner in life.

[@lloroshastar6347]

@@newjumpcityjosh9333 I guarantee the majority of these manosphere types would be MUCH happier as people if they did the same as you did (educate themselves I mean).

[@atoucangirl]

there are MANY reasons but speaking as someone who is AMAB and has dipped their toes into the manosphere: having to confront the toxic masculinity you were raised with is scary, and the manosphere tells you "don't worry, that behavior is really cool and will make you so badass! these feminists are just stupid, look we've been doing this for thousands of years and it works just fine!" it's easier to just give in to ignorance and biases rather than confronting those things. it's worse for you and the people around you, but it's easier.

[@Mila-Rosa]

As a cis-het woman, it's because these men don't view us as full people. We're kind of like background characters to them - nice to look at but virtually useless unless we can benefit them in some way. Either by raising the children, cleaning the house, or by giving up our bodies to them.

[@mudkip_btw]

there's no talking with those kinds of people 🙄 just hope they stay forever alone as they like to complain about... ugh

[@VeeLondon1449]

One of my best friends a Doctor, used to wear scrubs at work so baggy she looked unkempt/unprofessional. Because her ex boyfriend a bus driver was constantly telling her she was attention seeking and wanted attention from other men at work. Insecure men/women will only hold you back, from reaching your purpose and full potential. So glad she moved on.

[@venicec3310]

Why does his profession even matter?

[@gigiwallace6645]

@@venicec3310it matters because she was in a much better paying occupation than him, yet listened to his insecurities which could’ve affected her job performance.

[@beastmanderin]

@@gigiwallace6645This is horrifying to imagine people think like this. I make more money than you so I don’t have to listen to you. And she’s in the medical field, tf your clothes gotta do with anything, I know it doesn’t affect me when I work. Women as the breadwinner never cease to amaze me of how shitty y’all can be to a person y’all claim to love. It makes me question the whole equality thing.

[@re-newed5312]

@@gigiwallace6645 THANK YOU

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Eboni K had the right idea.

[@davichigbue1835]

To many people, motherhood is simply another form of societal surveillance. You are now a mother! Now, everything you do must be viewed through the lens of your child, possibly 👀finding out👀 about your life outside of motherhood!! The horrorrrr

[@roccafille]

I know 🤣, i'm a mom of two young ones. People are surprised that I really like to enjoy my time when they are gone for a weekend or a week. Ofcourse I still like to have fun!! I would hope my children also keep on having those fun times throughout their lives!!

[@margicates553]

I’m not a mother, I’m a childcare worker. I’ve taught preschool for 12 years, nannied 6 babies from 3 months-4years. When I first started teaching, I got A LOT of bs from parents and fellow teachers about my “ sexiness” ( I was 19 and had breasts…) I quickly learned that it was my responsibility to make myself sexless and wholesome a saint anytime I had to speak to parents. My first nanny job, the dad hit on me constantly. I quickly learned to dress like a shlub, to not wear make up to avoid joking around. Next nanny job I wore sweats and a rattty ponytail. Strangers would stop me on the street and tell me “ don’t worry mama you’ll get your body back, just keep walking and then titties will shrink back.”😝 I’m now onto my 5th or 6th nanny family, it’s summer and I hate that my body is exposed around the house. I hate how scared I am of this new dad seeing me sexually, and how I’m not allowed to laugh too loud or dance to much with the toddlers because I’ll jiggle. I don’t know if I made these rules up or if they even matter anymore. All I know is my body is dangerous and if I want to keep my job I better not look too cute. I only cosplay as a mom and there are so many minefields to it. I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to actually be a mom and deal with that shit.

[@nobody8328]

Look into clothes made out of linen or seersucker. Those are very lightweight and breathable fabrics, so even if a shirt is oversized and flowy, it'll still be comfortable. Harem pants and palazzo pants are very lightweight and as baggy as you want them to be. Loose, one piece dresses can help blend them in by flattening out your front. And above all else, get a well fitting minimizer bra! It will help stop the jiggling (edit- or at least make it less noticeable) and will change your life 🙂 Edit edit- no, you aren't imagining the rules. It sucks, but it's what we have to deal with.

[@whycaninotfindagood]

I really enjoyed this comment. I have a thicker body (bigger boobs and a little ass, nothing to brag about but in the settings my in (mostly white women) it’s a little something something) and for a while I would shrink myself and my body due to the hate and jealousy of women and perversion of men. I suggest own it and own the attitude. Think Gloria from modern Family. It’s not your fault, and you don’t deserve to make yourself look bad to make others feel good. And children literally don’t care. They like curves cause they are told to or because they are soft. So my advice is to become that bitch. And when you embrace the attitude (the adult, I mind my business you do the same attitude) you will notice people will not only shut up, but respect you more because your confidence is what makes them feel good. Tbh, young women with nicer bodies are only dangerous because they act oblivious to what they have and how it can be perceived. Take control of how people see you (through your attitude and energy), shut the dads down nicely but firmly. Basically start being apologetically kind and mean. Because if not, you’ll end up resenting people, your body, and your job.

[@neoqwerty]

I know this may not be what you're looking into but: start looking into dungarees, it's stylish (and cute!) but it usually is a turn-off for sleazy dads (it's also useful AF SO MANY POCKETS, and if you've got a seamstress friend you can add embroidery or patches (or extra pockets), while it's flowy and loose and can be made of various materials. And this is DEFINITELY going to be a your mileage may vary but you may want to look into chestbinding (if you don't like sports bra or none fit you right). There's ways that it can be done without affecting your breathing and flexibility while reducing jiggle pretty drastically. (Source: am a trans guy who can't afford top surgery and had to get creative about jiggle reduction to stop setting off my dysphoria without messing with my breathing since I take very long walks in summers. My best option for me was japanese sarashi binding, which... if it's good enough for lady blacksmiths it's good enough for me.)

[@Silly_u1908]

Everyone has given you lots of choices. As a caregiver in the medical field to children I recommended to a new mother to wear medical scrubs as she was breast feeding. I know this sounds strange but hear me out. They are comfortable, durable, easy to clean, come in a variety of colors and patterns , hides the body well, and no one thinks you are a slob when you wear them in public. Figs make some very cute one with many colors and they have a few jogger pants that are flattering but doesn’t put your butt on display. I hope this helps.

[@PurpleNoir]

God i’m so sorry that you have think about this on an almost daily basis. That is just f*cked up. That dad who (on the first nanny job) can go straight to hell 😤😡 I hope one day eventually you can end working for parents who make you feel comfortable. Please remember that it’s YOUR body, there is nothing wrong with it (I’m a chubby lady, so I can somewhat understand with body image/boobs stuff)

[@mathildesm954]

The thing that bugs me the most about this whole Jonah Hill debacle is how many men came out of the woods defending him. To me, this proves what I've always known: men love to control their partners because it gives them masculinity points in the eyes of other men. A man is considered more masculine if his partner acts a certain way or if he was able to "tame" her wild ways. 🙄

[@Adrian-us1ui]

Not trying to be dismissive but I believe an important aspect towards the Jonah situation (that is either being ignored/just not talked about) is that often women will state that men do not share feelings/insecurities with their SO. I’m not defending Jonah’s insecurities but he shared them and drew a line. Also does not help that normatively men don’t want to share feelings and now a guy who shared his feelings got “exposed” about them in a public manner. I understand that we can dig into the insecurities of Jonah and ask why? But it also seems to me counterintuitive to bash a man for sharing his insecurities….🤷🏽‍♂️

[@mathildesm954]

@@Adrian-us1ui I would agree with you if Jonah Hill and men like him recognized their insecurities for what they are : things they can work on. You seem to see what we can all see, which is that Jonah Hill is projecting his insecurities on a woman who chose to leave instead of changing her entire being to accommodate his insecurities. Jonah instead calls his insecurities "boundaries", which is not accurate and can be considered as an abuse of therapy language to manipulate a partner into changing the things that made him like her in the first place. Most of the discourse I've seen from men (on Twitter, which is arguably a terrible place for such discourse) is denying that these were insecurities in the first place. Rather, many act like Jonah Hill's demands were normal, and argued that women should bend to such "rules" if they want to be seen as respectable and be picked. Anyone, men or not, should be open about their insecurities, and voice them in a way that takes responsibility rather than as a request from their partner. (Ex. "It makes me insecure when you hang out with other men, because I'm scared that you'll find them more attractive than me. Can you remind me of the things you like about me so that I won't project my fears onto innocent situations?") I hope this clarifies my previous point!

[@Adrian-us1ui]

@@mathildesm954 that’s helped explain a good bit. I guess the thing I’m caught up on and it’s kinda beyond the Jonah situation. At what point are boundaries insecurities? And when are insecurities a need for boundary? My initial feeling was also the lack of context in regards to those texts especially because they were mostly of just Jonah’s reply’s. Them being a year plus removed and being posted online also didn’t sit the best with me. (Still sitting on the why for the last statement) the trend of over sharing on social media has kinda desensitized me from caring about certain seemingly trivia matters.

[@Adrian-us1ui]

@@mathildesm954 I think I get the idea I wanted to explain. The posting it online part is the interesting/worrying part to me. Are we gonna put people on blast for being insecure online now (not that we don’t already but to this extent I’m not sure)? How do we decide what level of insecurity deserves public scrutiny? At what point does someone go public? I ask this because they were more than a year removed from dating and saying that posting the DMs online is for therapy seems a bit of a stretch. I also could just be blowing this out of proportion too, but with the internet being the internet. I can imagine people who are seeing the attention one can get from a scenario like that.

[@ta4770]

@@Adrian-us1ui I'll help; so it's only a boundary when it applies to yourself. So, in this case a boundary would be not wanting to date a woman who dresses provocatively. Coolio! Then look for women who don't do that. In this case, the boundary ("I" won't be in a relationship with someone who dresses sexily), might also be an insecurity ("because I'm worried more attractive guys will message her"). They're not mutually exclusive. Where it becomes controlling is when you tell your partner what they "can" and "cannot" do. Think of it as a demand. Saying "you can't/shouldn't post these pics" is controlling. Because you are determining what someone can do with their own body. Whereas, if it was a boundary, you'd just leave the relationship, as you'd be incompatible (she dresses sexily + I don't want my gf to dress sexily = we can't be together). Instead of "She dresses sexily + I don't like that she dresses sexily = I will tell her to stop dressing sexily". Catch my drift? An example from my own life: so, I don't date smokers. I just don't. So when I'm dating, I'll date non-smokers. If I date a non-smoker, and he later decides to smoke, I'll have to break up with him. What I won't do is tell him to stop smoking because I don't want him to. Or that "if you really respected me, you'd stop smoking". It's his body- he chooses whether/not to smoke. I choose whether/not I want to be with him.

[@sebastiankalstrom237]

Me over here as a 20 year old dude going like, "yep, yep, yep, yep". Khadija spitting facts out here and teaching me stuff I didn't even realize I thought about without truly considering. Also personal introspection is the shit so I love that you brought that up when considering why people look outwards to solve something that begins with them.

[@undercover_idiot]

As a 20 year old girlie this makes me so incredibly happy, I love the idea of us all educating ourselves TOGETHER, without putting anyone down.

[@southernivyrx]

Thank you . Being able to be a critical thinker and evaluate different perspectives rather than simply jumping on bandwagons strictly based on emotions and possibly insecurities is everything. Salute to you sir.

[@ItsCatrissa]

"Everything a woman does is about me." That hit deep, because it is so true! This is such a good, well-spoken view and conversation that needs to be had. Thank you for sharing your voice and thoughts.

[@sarahrobertson634]

This is the whole male-centered problem.

[@Jane-oz7pp]

Men think this, but really everything I do is for Khadija

[@laurelgardner]

Damn, yeah, and it even shows up in platonic and work relationships. A friend or a boss starts finding you really useful and then he just...cannot brain the fact that you exist outside of what you do for him. Even with zero romantic or sexual interest in me, I've had guys get, like, resentful of time I spend with my husband or just having a life.

[@sarahrobertson634]

@@laurelgardner They really are self centered toddlers.

[@sarahrobertson634]

@@Jane-oz7pp Ahahahahaha!!! You're hilarious.

[@AmethystQtz]

My ex was like the guys you talked about, abusive and super controlling under the guise of ‘he just wanted to make sure I was safe from other men’. I used to watch your videos while he was in the room and he’d get upset about it.

[@breannap8585]

So glad to hear he's your ex! Congratulations!🎉

[@AmethystQtz]

@@breannap8585 thank you ☺️ happily in my loving myself and healing era now 🫶🏽

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Maybe you should do that with your next bf as a "test".

[@AmethystQtz]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 I am gay 💅🏽🙂 for ladies

[@kingworm7168]

EX! We love that for you!

[@nickneal3955]

I think we're in the middle of redefining what it means to be a person in our society while navigating relationships. I think women are fighting for a more equitable place in a relationship than what they have traditionally been forced into and emotionally weak men are struggling to retain the control they've been trained by society to unconsciously believe they should have. Our society makes us all very insecure and we all need to pivot to understanding that we don't need control over others, only ourselves and our own actions. As a man, I have called out controlling behavior from other men and and I have come to realize that society has not taught men to communicate with other men. We are cut off from other men and women except for our partners because society tells us not to be emotionally vulnerable because men don't do that. That's feminine behavior. But it's not. It's communication. We need to learn how to communicate and we need to teach our sons and daughters how to communicate.

[@ta4770]

Beautifully put!

[@emilyrln]

Amen to that!

[@PurpleNoir]

Truth!

[@heykaylc23]

💯

[@jessrl8025]

Gotta love how men assign toxic relationship qualities to women that are things they do. So many men I've been around talk about how the ladies they date are jealous, control how they dress, are sensitive to anything the man says, etc. But those men were the ones freaking out when another man said so much as "hey, how you doin'" to their lady, told their lady they can't wear whatever outfit cause it is disrespectful to the man, or freak out any time their lady tries to have a conversation about something and the man turns it into a fight, then promptly blames the woman for starting a fight. Whole ass movies and TV shows are dedicated to perpetuating those stereotypes that women are the controlling ones when it has always been the men.

[@bluester7177]

To be fair, there are controlling women out there, men doing it is just much more normalized.

[@girlwhomustnotbenamed4139]

They very quickly expose not just that they have no idea about what boundaries actually mean but also how they fundamentally view women as property, regardless of any other "progressive" views they might have. It's so deeply ingrained they don't even realise it and it's so depressing. The patriarchy truly is poison. Thanks for speaking up about these issues, love your videos!

[@BleedForTheWorld]

It's OK to be reactionary because we live in a very reactionary society. What's not OK is not learning from these experiences and growing from them. As a growing anarchist, this is what I've come to learn.

[@pahvi3]

I'll never forget how a friendship of mine got irreparably broken when my brother got cancer and while we were still waiting for the biopsy results of the tumor I called my friend and he told me that my fears are "only" in my head 🙄 Not only that, but he harped on a fucking lecture about all these cool mental health tips and tricks he'd learned in therapy, and when I wasn't very receptive he got frustrated and told me he doesn't have it in him to help me, to fix it for me. Like no fucking shit, I didn't ask him to fix anything?!? There was nothing anyone could fix, I just called him because I was stressed out about my brother growing a tumor the size of an apricot in a couple of weeks, and the doctors saying it's probably cancer (which it was). But he decided no, the problem is my head and I can fix it if I just try hard enough. That my anxiety wasn't to be listened to or empathized with, but should be governed, pathologised. He localised the problem in my head, in my mental health, and thought he was in a position to tell me how to govern it, how to make my bad feelings and my "mental health problem" go away.

[@pahvi3]

Sorry if this seems off topic. I just wanted to demonstrate how therapy speak can be abused. Even when therapy speak isn't clinically speaking being abused or misused, it still operates exclusively from a perspective of normative bodies and minds and seeks to localise problems into individuals instead of systems and societies. This is why we need to free ourselves of the pathologising power of medical language and always question the normativity in it. A medical label of a "mental illness" is always a normative statement: our minds shouldn't do this, they should do this instead. A mental health diagnosis is often even more stigmatising than a somatic diagnosis, because we view our mental health as existing more within the realm of the "free will" than our physical health. But our society still stigmatizes and marginalizes both bodies AND minds that exist outside the norm of health. So take what you can use from therapy, help yourself and help others, but be mindful of the way therapy speak medicalises issues and pathologizes behaviours that we could perhaps also approach from a less normative perspective.

[@Dojafish]

I hope your brother is doing okay and has beaten cancer . You deserved better treatment from your friend, the stress you and your family has gone throught is completely valid . Have a nice day or night .

[@docfabz]

Ugh this makes me so angry hearing that. Hope everything's ok for you now.

[@pahvi3]

@@Dojafish thanks! My brother has now been cancer free for a year :)

[@vnikyt]

@@pahvi3 glad your brother is doing well 👏🏿🫶🏿 Also, this second comment is the best comment I've seen on these KZbins all day. It's refreshing how insightful it is

[@TheHighwayman5674]

I hate seeing young girls being raised on this kind of rhetoric. From mothers especially.

[@eanymeanyminymo]

and I cant stand that these mothers you mention were raised the same way, it stops with current/future generations.

[@beewest5704]

Then they wonder why birthrates are falling & many women are opting out of motherhood.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

And relationships now. It's not just MGTOW, but WGTOW.

[@ta4770]

What makes me maddd mad is these men always talk about "morals" as though they didn't know the woman they are with likes dressing up sexily? Like why are you talking big game about wanting a woman who dresses conservatively, when you actively don't want them lol. It's the picky patriarchy for me. "I want tradition", but not marrying her first, or being the sole earner bc "if she doesn't contribute she's a golddigger". Like come onnnnn. It literally just comes down to policing women and feminine-presenting people's bodies. Lmao it's the hatred for women for me. Even with Keke's useless bf situation, he literally thirst rrapped on his instagram in his UNDERWEAR? Hate how "motherhood" means you have to change everything about yourself. Whereas fathers can continue being themselves AND shirk responsibility of childrearing onto the mother. "You're a mother! Why aren't you with your baby!" as though there's not a father who's literally supposed to do the same thing?

[@BeautifulEarthJa]

yes auntie! we need some more intelligent discussions of these issues, rather than just 'hot takes' that are seasoned heavily with misogyny

[@negrogoodpoor]

!!!

[@PokhrajRoy.]

2:55 This is 1000% true in India because the argument always lands up at “Do you not have sisters or mothers at home?” as a way to reprimand someone. I didn’t even realise it until much late how problematic that is.

[@augustaseptemberova5664]

I can see two sides to this. If you're dealing with someone completely immersed in that patriarchal pov, and you want them to start showing basic respect towards women, then appealing to respect towards women as they know it (mother, sister etc.) will be the most effective, if not the only, way to get through to them and help them change their attitude and behavior. So imo it's not principally a bad thing to take this approach, so long as this push / change doesn't stop here. Once that person has taken this first step, you can't just walk away and say it's good enough. The change needs to continue, and take the step from this weird patriarchal respect/honor thing towards genuine compassion for a fellow human being with needs and boudnaries.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

@@augustaseptemberova5664 You’ve articulated it better.

[@starsky1435]

​what you're saying isn't out of the realm of possibility, I'm sure that there are Indian men out there who would be willing to listen and change their mindset. However, some of them, who think that they need to protect women and in order to do so control them, are very aggressive people. There is a problem of "honor killings" in India. Even though women want to be independent, work for themselves and their kids or families, they are seen as a threat to the men who want women to be dependent on them. You see them in the comment sections of every post talking about women's rights in India. They view feminism as a western concept that is polluting their pure religious country. It's a scary situation.

[@loriell1996]

Please don't feed into American ways

[@starsky1435]

@@loriell1996 what do you mean?

[@PurpleM70]

As a transman who is exploring these new spaces...no these men are not okay. At all

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Y’all be telling the truth with regard to navigating men’s spaces and the difference (not all as I know trans men are not a monolith) 💕

[@newland_403]

crazy how you will never be a man

[@argusfleibeit1165]

@@newland_403 You just HAD to say that. You actually had no capacity to stop yourself. It must be tough, being so out of control of yourself. I bet you get a LOT of sympathy for being so dysfunctional. /s

[@FabalociousDee]

@@newland_403 Salute to you for proving his point that cis-het men are absolutely NOT O.K.

[@SeymourDisapproves]

​@@newland_403crazy how you can't make real friends lol

[@cybergimpmonkey]

For a lot of guys, especially if they haven't ever had female friends before (usually a sign of stunted social growth), their brains instantly start calculating and/or creating a narrative about how they can enter into a relationship, either romantic or purely physical, with any female that they either interact with or perceive as attractive. For the most part it's unconscious and without any other form of relationship experience, it's all they can think until they either see the person as no longer desirable or move on to someone else to obsess over.

[@aohamer]

"You can be smart and wanna shake dat ass"😂 YAAASSS, I love you! ❤ #bookwormtwerkteam

[@BeautifulEarthJa]

Love the hashtag 🤣🤣

[@aohamer]

@@BeautifulEarthJa We need merch! 🤗

[@maijennasis]

I love the hashtag lmfaooo

[@talkingtochapri]

As far as I have seen, black men love to disrespect women publicly, especially black women. He could have told her all this in private but instead, he wanted to say it publicly to gain attention and fame. He is the perfect example of why women should avoid broke dudes at all costs because they are very insecure about their rich partner and will sit at home and create drama ☕

[@mkgibertjr]

I really think that can be generalized to all men regardless of class, but You're definitely onto something. Men are conditioned that power comes from status symbols, and poor and Black men, and especially poor Black men, see women as the only achievable status symbol. As soon as they can't control the woman, they feel like they lost their access to power, among men specifically. That's definitely why bruh went public with it, just like Khadija said. It's absolutely insecurity, and poverty definitely exacerbates it.

[@tyemccatty763]

"He is a perfect example of why women should avoid broke dudes at all costs" YES CAPITALISM!! YOUR ENTIRE VALUE SHOULD BE DERIVED FROM A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT THAT LETS YOU BUY THINGS WOOHOO

[@lovelylesbian5135]

​@@tyemccatty763Men have been saying that for centuries but the moment women say it back they shatter lol

[@alisonmercer5946]

​@@lovelylesbian5135😅

[@mkgibertjr]

@@tyemccatty763 I wanna build off that a little bit. Capitalism is moreso the ownership of things that are sold, commodities and the means of production. Consumerism is buying the water, while Capitalism is having one guy own and sell the water. Since capitalism heavily commodifies and objectifies women, it's specifically the ownership and control of women that is attractive to men. Being a John/Simp is weak but being a pimp is celebrated, for example.

[@FryNeedsCalm]

Infantilization: I’m cis straight black woman, who works in the construction industry. I’m also small and cute which matters in this context. Overall the men I work with are fine and respectful and working in construction is fun as hell( thanks Me Too and Feminism!) but every once in a while there’s some infantilizing. I’ll be doing a task and some random man would say “why don’t you ask for help?” And I say because Im a grown woman and if I needed help I’d ask for it. And then that guy would get upset at me for refusing his help. Almost always his attempt to help me is his way of just trying get my attention and he’s butt hurt that I refused it. So many things to unpack. He thinks I’m small so I’m not strong, he think I’m cute so I’m available for his attention, he thinks I’m too dumb to know when I need assistance, or that I dont know what I’m doing and of course he thinks hes entitled to a positive response from me. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@personneici2595]

People can break up with anyone for any reason. Saying that you can't be in a relationship with someone because of how they dress is actually fine. Just make that decision and recognize that it's your own shortcoming. Don't try to change them. Don't try to make them grovel. Just permanently break up and go work on your insecurities.

[@nobody8328]

They may get as well break up with me if they don't like what I'm wearing. Because if he tries to say anything else about it, I'm leaving him 😂

[@MichaelJordan-xp3yb]

i think that is exactly what Jonah said and did...and everyone is crying abuse....lol dude just has his program

[@quince9404]

@@MichaelJordan-xp3yb He didn't just decide they were incompatible and break up with her though; he gave her a ultimatum, threatening to break up with her unless she changed X, Y, Z, in the hopes of cajoling her into changing herself and characterized her reticence to change fundamental aspects of her life and personality as "disrespect of him and his boundaries". He knew who she was prior to getting into a relationship with her- they met because he slid into her DMs on a surfing post she made. If he felt that her lifestyle was incompatible with his desires in a partner, he never should have gotten together with her in the first place; instead, he did get involved with her and waited until she was invested in him and their relationship before he started setting all these "boundaries" (one of which being that she give up her life's passion and livelihood, surfing). While not abusive per se, I would characterize pretending to be okay with a person's lifestyle until they're invested in you and a relationship with you, only to then dangle said relationship over their head to get them to change fundamental aspects of their life/personality that you had previously said you were okay with, as being manipulative and unhealthy.

[@soloskeptic]

@@quince9404 I think that doesn't really matter now. he told her what he wasn't comfortable with and for her to stop. she didn't stop, so he left. found somebody who wants the same things as he does. honestly didn't do anything wrong imo. and that's between them. she shouldn't have made it public, much like Darius shouldn't have made it public. that's my only gripe with the two respective situations. it should have never been publicized. should have been dealt with between the two respective couples.

[@TiffanyRayneOfficial]

​@@soloskepticYou still missed the point. It's not about anyone doing something wrong or right, he still voiced his insecurities publicly, instead of just leaving this between him and her. He still showed his behind publicly.

[@MeGustaWHAT]

Oh my god the amount of times politeness and general pleasant behavior has been mistaken for affection or interest is outrageous! And then those same people will berate you for "misleading" them or "stringing them along"(that last one has happened with a couple folks I thought were friends).

[@Spetia]

I am glad that I never got a twitter, everything I see come from it just sounds toxic and horrible

[@othelliusmaximus]

It actually got worse in the last 6 months if you can believe it.

[@lloroshastar6347]

I was on it before Musk took over and it was horrible even then. My intention was to connect with people who share my love of film. What actually happened was I ended up getting into arguments with TERF's constantly because TERF's have an endless supply of bad takes. Especially as I'm British and it's apparently impossible to avoid British TERF's online. So good for you, I think you definitely made the right decision.

[@Spetia]

@@lloroshastar6347 I wish you didn't have to deal with TERFs on there, hell I wish TERFs didn't exist they just don't make sense. Hopefully you have better experiences with people on there or other platforms

[@Spetia]

@@othelliusmaximus oh I can believe it, Musk is a psycho

[@Cybo-18]

I have it for posting art and you’re 100% right. If it wasn’t for reaching out for my art, I would delete it because it’s just so toxic.

[@snowpeas6110]

I know it's not a solely single-gendered issue, but these manipulative men don't even always know what they want. There's no pleasing them. I had an ex who would admonish me for wearing something "too revealing" for an event, but then a few days later tell me I looked too frumpy in another outfit when I was out with him... I could only look good/sexy/attractive when I was with him and it served him, to make others 'jealous of what he had'. It was exhausting.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

They know what they want; to be perceived to be in control, by other men primarily.

[@yoshi4691]

Narcissism. Always moving the goalposts. It's a form of gaslighting!

[@snowpeas6110]

@@yoshi4691 Only later did I find out he had actually been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder 🙃

[@luna-p]

Keeping you confused is the point. Plenty of them know exactly what they're doing.

[@velonikaetc]

Yep I think a lot of the time "she doesn't respect herself" really means "I don't respect her".

[@Dhfhucudu]

Exactly because how can people tell someone doesn’t respect herself? It’s clearly projection.

[@theUnconventionalGamer]

As a white, cisgender, hetero male, the most important things for me in a relationship are both agency AND communication. Because if you don't have a partner who has agency, you don't really have honest communication, do you? And these menzies who have this insecurity issue - if they want to really have a good relationship, they need to just let go and let the women be them. If they're so worried about someone swooping in and taking their partner, they need to work on THEMSELVES, not try and control their partner. And if they really want to test themselves, try polyamory - when your partner wants to stay with you because of how you treat them, then you have NOTHING to worry about.

[@sarahhonore919]

Khadija you give so much verbal tools to respond to the patriarcal attack that me and the women in my life face almost everyday. Thank you a lot ♥️

[@loveisqi.]

I’ve been eagerly consuming your content for some time now, but mama I have never clapped and screamed with glee alone in my bedroom louder than just now hearing you tell anyone who’s listening that they “are blessed to see these cheeks!!!” Mama- YESSSSSS, this is EVERYTHING!

[@loveisqi.]

P.s. where can I see your pole posts?

[@EuphoricFaith]

​@@loveisqi.They post them on insta 🤩

[@loveisqi.]

@@EuphoricFaiththank you SO MUCH that last post show so much STRENGTH and beauty!! Holy shot I was missing out before and you have enlightened me!

[@joschlo7898]

Imagine being the wife of a man who openly says that he "realized how bad patriarchy is because now he has a daughter"

[@ryanschneer]

Don’t shame people for growth.

[@joschlo7898]

@@ryanschneer you dont seem to get my point

[@martinwalters8677]

Why exactly is the patriarchy bad?

[@taginefc3189]

Because it’s based off the notion that women are inferior.

[@hydratejsn]

@@martinwalters8677 because it is a system that disproportionately distributes power amongst members of society

[@notbot2648]

"You can be smart and also wanna shake that ass" is 100% correct and I love it but it caught me off guard enough and was delivered in such a way that I almost spit out my drink laughing. I gotta be more careful lol

[@pennyforyourthoughts4]

I'm so glad I saw my mother sticking up for herself and she always said "I might be a mother but I was just a woman first". She's 60 now and I'm 24, she is a wonderful mother but she never truly lost HERSELF in the process. I loved seeing her have fun, wear what made her feel confident, and doing what she wanted without the anxiety of others judging her growing up. My father faught tooth and nail to keep her down and in a little box but she blew that comfort zone out the water. It made me who I am today, and there's nothing raunchy or trashy about it! She is the classiest, smartest, and strongest person I know 💜

[@olakraszpulska]

"maybe look inwards"= the solution to 99%of problems. Love your videos!

[@rawkieboo]

Oh GURL! I tried to explain this exact topic! I remember having the argument with my boyfriend about covering up in front of his friends and I’m wondering why he hangs out with misogynistic and disrespectful individuals. I mean a true friend won’t sexualize their friend’s girlfriend, right? Am I supposed to assume all your male friends are perverts and sexualize me? Like sir, maybe you should get new friends, maybe??

[@doll9763]

Girl you better leave he sounds like a 🚩

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Because he knows he would do the same if it were him, that's why. And of course his friends could also be the same. It's also control. If you dress too sexily (in his eyes), then he's perceived to have lost control of you in his friends' eyes as well.

[@unseenmolee]

PLS make a whole vid just dedicated to the weaponization of therapy talk, because thats so real. and its made me have really intense imposter syndrome because i have a fear that im adding to the issue of misusing words like traumatic, manipulative, triggered, ect. even if ik logically that i have trauma, or whatever it might be, it can feel so hard to say it to ppl and to be open abt that stuff. i feel like when i say "im depressed" ppl just think im saying "oh im kinda sad" yk? like i feel like im not taken seriously, not even by myself, and its so horribly frustrating also dont even get me started on how actual therapy isnt even that helpful when your issues come from systemic forces you cant control. every therapist ive gone to (and ive seen over 12 thru my 19 years on this earth) has been condescending and unhelpful to say the least. but the worst part is they all have individualist mindsets that make me feel like its my fault that im not happy, im not trying hard enough, im too sensitive, whatever. but now that im out of therapy i actually feel a lot better not being pushed into living a life that i dont want. because literally every single therapist ive ever seen has pressured me to start working even tho im mentally disabled (not saying anything abt mental disability as a whole cuz ofc its a spectrum, but for me it stops me from being able to work). but it doesnt matter to them because all they care abt is getting me to a place where i LOOK "normal", where i fit into society, where im not advocating for a better life outside of these oppressive systems but rather just coping with the dystopian reality im trapped in

[@ta4770]

Heya friend x sorry for what you've been going through :( the healthcare system sucks. I just want you to know I believe in you! Please don't lose hope. I lost faith in therapy entirely, but I was fortunate enough to meet a DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapist) this year who has been amazingly kind. She doesn't pretend to know my pain and instead teaches me how to accept myself and be better adapted to emotionally challenging moments (establishing boundaries, focus techniques, memory work to not be triggered by PTSD memories...) Sadly it's a cinderella situation; there are many people who won't fit. But once you find the one, it can be truly magical. That being said I am in a position of privilege with my middle class background and good family support structure. So pls just focus on what resonates with you!

[@Kick0a0cat]

I really don't get why you'd date someone who's ideas of "boundaries" obviously doesn't aline with yours. Then again, this Trevor Noah quote sums it up nicely: 'The way my mother always explained it, the traditional man wants a woman to be subservient, but he never falls in love with subservient women. He's attracted to independent women. "He's like an exotic bird collector," she said. "He only wants a woman who is free because his dream is to put her in a cage."'

[@trudelulu]

khadija, did you see the tiktok of that therapist talking about how a lot of these increasing patriarchal behaviors from the micro to the macro seem to be a form extinction burst (a sudden and dramatic increase in behavior when reinforcement for that behavior has been removed. It is a temporary response pattern and will diminish and then stop as the reinforcement for the behavior no longer follows the voluntary action). it was so good!

[@MsKindra96]

Can you share the link to the TikTok or the name of the TikTok account? I would love to hear this.

[@ellajorgi2478]

oooh, I'd be really cool if there's some scientific ground for this agony!

[@inprogress5210]

Yeah I saw the video a KZbinr reacted to it- it was good.

[@sarahwatts7152]

I once had an occasion where a creepy dude (who had done all the drugs and fried his mind) figured out where I worked and sent a couple very disturbing letters. The police guy I took it to decided he'd talk about how he'd feel if it happened to his daughter, and I was so pissed. I kept it together for the police report (which was made by the way in the parking lot of the police station, classy), but I hated that he couldn't imagine my experience on my level. He got to be the powerful dad who could take someone apart, rather than the target of some real crazy sleaze himself. (Oh, and there was nothing that they could do, and the same person went on to target a couple other women I knew.)

[@matthewkoslow3221]

In the immortal words of Gerard Way...."IM NOT OKAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY"

[@KhadijaMbowe]

My husband. 💕

[@tape-6]

@@KhadijaMbowe nothing but the best taste in Khadijas house!!!!

[@herbyxrevolus]

“He keeps his mouth shut and does what is told” is WILD & i love it here 😂😂😂

[@TinyGhosty]

There are so many aspects from Christianity that feed directly into Patriarchy. The idea that a man is "head of the household" and his wife is beneath him is the origin of men treating women like they are an inferior family members and need to be told what to do. So many aspects of emotional manipulation and ab*se starts in the family with how men treat their wives and daughters, and therefore women are groomed to accept that behavior from male partners later in life. My ab*sive ex was controlling in very specific ways that did not include policing the way I dressed, but was controlling of a lot of my decisions. I had to ask to spend MY OWN money, I had to ask if it was okay to do something on my own without him, I had to make sure he was comfortable with pictures I posted, etc. It was terrible, and because I was eased into it and had an emotionally ab*sive father I was primed for accepting that behavior. That was the foundations for every other form of ab*se to enter into the relationship. When you give them power over you they will be more likely to cross more and more boundaries and laws.

[@sarahr3113]

You have such a healthy perspective on these issues. Also you’re funny af (women can be anything- mothers, daughters, uncles) Thank you! ❤

[@SheetBeat]

I love how you always have a vibe, a feel about you that really brightens my day. Even when you're talking about fairly depressing stuff and being serious.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Awww thank you 🥹💕

[@fae3821]

5:10 Reminds me of how my mom would give away clothes me & my sis really liked without our knowledge and it just so happens it was always the clothes we felt cutest in🤔(a cute puff sleeve party dress, a plaid skirt, a school shirt that actually fit well and wasn't baggy). She would tell my sis something like "Don't look too cute" and purposely bought some of my clothes 2-3 sizes too big even when I was a skinny lanky kid. And my dad would always warn us about boys & men's intentions.

[@ta4770]

Same :((( and it plays into rape culture too! "they're doing it to get male attention"/"if a woman didn't want it, she wouldn't dress that way" = "but why was she at that party?"/"she wouldn't have been raped if she wasn't in those clothes. She obviously wanted male attention" Just so gross :( People can be raped in any clothes, because the problem isn't with them, it's with the sicko rapist. Literally being told to "be less provocative" at 9 because my uncles and their friends would "get the wrong idea". Like WHAT?!

[@bellablue5285]

My mother would always consider anything revealing any sort of curve to be loose, and would comment about what random strangers were wearing. I was not a thin kid in the late 90s, I was already tall and wide and I cried when she bought me 5X and size 34 clothes (I wore a 1X /38 inch waist 32 length, which seems to be pretty average for men's jeans given how hard it was to find 32 in length; women's stuff was too short but think something like a 16 or 18). I can't imagine the mindfrick of being thin and having larger sizes purchased, I have to believe it was at least as bad, likely worse

[@fae3821]

@@bellablue5285 It was annoying because my clothes didn't fit well but she'd always say "you'll grow into it" and by the time I did the clothes would disappear. I was wearing those jeans with the adjustable elastics on the sides. I wouldn't say it's worse. I think it really got bad when I got to high school because I finally started growing some more. She purposely got me a dress in xl when I was a medium or small & I still remember going home and pinning it back to fit😅 Now she constantly comments on my weight & how my butt sticks out as if she isn't also pear shaped. The way she (& some boys at school back then) has talked about my body is worse after I've gained weight.

[@FeministCatLadySpinster]

THANK YOU. It's been driving me up a wall to see people trying to claim that Jonah has the right to his "boundaries"... which just happened to revolve around dictating to his ex what she can and can't do.

[@DMMA0726]

This is why I won't date men who also will not show cheeks in booty shorts or celebrate whether I'm going out and help me pick out my outfit for the night whether it's slutty slooty or Victorian prim. Posessiveness as a whole has never been something I understood I'm not an object.

[@sapphic.flower]

Men hate when women are hot but then they also hate when women aren’t hot because “woman no hot man can’t stare 😢 but woman no hot without man 😡” It’s literally exhausting and then they think they’re possessiveness over our bodies is “care”. Y’all should care about women, no matter how they choose to exist in the world!

[@FabalociousDee]

I posted a comment on here (not entirely sure WHY I deleted it) talking about my absolute confusion at the ridiculous standards men place on women. For those women who actually reach those standards, they seem to attract these men who want to steal their shine through being coercive and manipulative. The amount of "perfect/ideal" women who get publicly disrespected and cheated on is wild. Yet the rest of us are supposed to take men's opinions seriously when they judge us.

[@abor1males]

Men are jealous of women that’s the main point 🤣

[@pixie-stixs]

as a queer trans fem guy i can tell you that men are not okay.. and i am scared to be in a quote on quote “man’s space” bc i don’t feel, and never will, feel comfortable within their society. but it’s okay, bc if giving up nail polish and skirts is the only way to be accepted in the cis het male world then i’d rather not 💕

[@sophiaisabelle01]

We appreciate your insights on various social issues. We learn so much from you.

[@Kiannamonroeee]

I would love to see you do a video on BPD in Black women , BPD is often seen as “the white girl” disease so the new prevalence of Black women being diagnosed is a new phenomenon. Edit: Coming from someone who also has BPD .

[@mynameisreallycool1]

It seems that any mental disorder in general is seen as a "white people" thing, which is really odd to me.

[@nana8135]

Yes love

[@dr.braxygilkeycruises1460]

*Khadija, do NOT get me started on these menzies!!!!!* My ex was like that. And from a psychological standpoint, I get it. You are secretly repressed and your mom set unreasonable standards (e.g., fake ideals) for what a "mom" should be. But let's be real: If one of the main things you LOVED about your woman before you got married/together was how sexy she was to you, and how she could suck a golf ball through a straw, then WHY do you expect her to be a virtuous angel AFTER marriage or having children?!!! She is still the same person you let pour whipped cream on you and [ *description of overt sex acts redacted* 😳]. *Men: GROW UP!!! Not only do we not have time for your foolishness, but we refuse to MAKE TIME for it!!!*

[@brennam954]

I love this comment

[@jibarabicha4853]

In many Latin American countries, women don’t lose their sensuality once they give birth. We still groom ourselves and are encouraged to maintain our feminine essence. This is a very western world point of view that women should abandon their sexuality and lose their identities to be in mom mode 24/7. It’s wrong and I hope more American women can wake up to embrace all of their facets of being a whole woman.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

I'm not sure it's even Western, but more Anglospheric than anything.

[@jibarabicha4853]

@@rejectionisprotection4448 True, I see many black women that still maintain their sensuality despite husbands/children.

[@neoqwerty]

@@jibarabicha4853 There's some weird... annulation from two opposite demands, I feel, in that specific situation, if we're specifically talking US. How much of it is a choice, and how much of it is just a result of "sexualizing and fetishizing black women" cancelling/overpowering the "mothers should be the madonna side of the madonna/whore complex" thing? If black women are expected to be sexy it's kind of a case of one oppression providing that little bit of shelter from another oppression.

[@jibarabicha4853]

@@neoqwerty who said they are expected to be sexy? From what I can tell most of them enjoy taking care of themselves and feeling beautiful. Did you just associate Women’s sensuality and femininity with oppression and Madonna Whore complex?? Why is it so hard to believe that there are women that enjoy their body and feminine gifts. Just because you have colonizer/ puritanical beliefs about what it means to look and feel as a woman doesn’t mean everyone else does.

[@brennam954]

Would you also contend that maybe Latin American women are expected to and pressured to remain sexual objects after becoming moms? I wonder how much of it is a "choice", if you know what I mean.

[@aruraven]

The amount of fem friends I want to send this to, though.... Some of us be upholding a lot of nonesense and 'not all men' -ing SO much. I've been genuinely asking myself lately how much of fem misogyny is truly about "defending" men you love/like vs. being socialized to hate yourself. Self-hatred can be really powerful.

[@dhalden93]

I don't think it's because men are worried about what other men will think about their partners... I think it's because men are insecure in how they themselves are viewed by their partners. Like, this feels like men trying to control their partners because they think they're not good enough for their partners, and rather than seeing that as an opportunity for self-improvement, they're blaming their partners for the way they dress or where they go. Edit: If anything has become apparent to me in the last 15 years, it's that women don't want/need men and they are voting with their feet. And good for them. But for some reason a lot of men are just using this as an excuse to throw a tantrum that like "they don't want me, and that's a women problem" instead of it being a men problem that the writing has been on the wall for a while for. I think there are meaningful ways heterosexual relationships cut the other way ("against men"), but we're just like not anywhere close to that being the biggest problem. And Men need to get their act together if they ever want that to have that discussion.

[@bunneywolf]

I think many things can be true, in this case. Men are big on puffing their chest out to eachother and bragging about what and who they have. They put more effort into trying to "prove" themselves to other men than they put into actually being a decent partner.

[@magicmiscellany]

Your videos are always thought-provoking and insightful. Personally I did start to feel the pressure to change the way I dress when I became a parent. I have questioned whether it was still appropriate to wear low cut mid-thigh length shorts, and the answer is "why not?" They're comfortable and make me feel good in my own body. People use kids as a reason moms shouldn't show any skin, like "what is it teaching them" or "the kids don't need to see that." It's a weak excuse that only makes sense if you see someone's choice of clothes as a sexual act in itself. I want my kids to see me wear what I want to wear. I want them to grow up in a world where they feel empowered to wear what makes them comfortable and the least I can do is model that for them now.

[@emilyrln]

Honestly, I think the kids DO need to see that! They need to learn to look past clothing and see the human being who's wearing it.

[@luna-p]

It's so absurd knowing kids DO typically see those body parts up close and personal, more than anyone else - they literally feed off them for years for god's sake! Why warp their minds to see the things they sustain themselves on as something inappropriate? That was rhetorical of course, gotta teach them early on that women's bodies are worthless and shameful, lest they actually develop respect.

[@SpoonG]

As a cis woman with a PhD, who is also attracted to men (among others) and a pole dancer, I subscribe to everything you said. You gave a voice to my relentless anger towards the discourse around het relationship and what het men are scared of losing. IDK how people can defend these obviously juvenile behaviors, and how the perpetrators of said behaviors don't realize how ridiculous they are in these situations. I read some posts from Sarah Brady (professional surf instructor, instagram model and Jonah Hill's ex) and the things that a 39yo man told his 25yo girlfriend not to do are the same I heard from my high school boyfriend when I was 14 (minus social media presence, they didn't exist in 2000). And he got his therapist involved to convince her that anytime a male presenting person swam around her (whether trying to initiate a conversation or not) in the OCEAN, she should explicitly tell him "I have to go talk with my boyfriend" and swim away. I don't know how it's possible that such things are considered applicable in an adult relationship, but ok.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

Completely crazy. Truth is that Jonah Hill didn't want the competition because surfing guys are generally pretty fit.

[@VoidWatchers]

"men talking to grown women like they are her father" is exactly what I go through on a regular basis. It doesn't matter if they're complete strangers to me or even teenage boys much younger than me, they all think they can lecture me. And it really comes from a basis that they think I'm so inferior I might as well be their child who's acting up (at least how most people view children). And THEY have to put me back in line for daring to speak an opinion or behave that way or even talk at all. And it really doesn't matter what it is I said or did. It really makes it nearly impossible to involve myself in anything or any community without encountering hostility unless its specifically a community for non-men.

[@filmgeek520]

"You can be smart and wanna shake that ass" - Khadija Mbowe, 2023 (honestly, one of the best mantras to live by!)

[@lauramathews3151]

He called her his wife but hasnt actually married her either...hes trying to keep his agency or independence but then wanting to deprive her of hers, claiming a false authority or entitlement which has never been bestowed. Also I do not believe marriage automatically bestows or endows the husband with such authority or prerogative but that when obedience or submission exists in a marriage one spouse has to consent to it...

[@lemonjuiceproduction2411]

To show how misogynistic people are when they shame Keke, they forget that Usher ALSO has a baby mama and also in a relationship yet he's the one serenading women and performing without a shirt on.....why aren't people shaming him? And for the people saying Keke's baby daddy isn't insecure, ask yourself why doesn't Usher's baby mama say anything...it's called being secure in your relationship, and not embarrassing your partner online to be crucified by the manosphere

[@f8staynicht]

This actually can be accompanied with the question of women's autonomy over their body and how patriarchy is there to have control that, and I high key feel what Keke Palmer's baby daddy going ahead to tweet that is also a way of him trying to definitely manipulate and control her just because he ejaculated in her and made her a mother. It's unfortunate that women are often placed as secondary that even their actions have to be policed because the mens be insecure.

[@daughterphoenix]

I am tired of telling men to go to therapy. They’ll cry about it for days like it makes them weak, then come back in my face with this entitled Jonah Hill act telling me their therapist said I have to do their work for them. Therapy isn’t for everybody but most of the time these dudes show up with zero intention of working on themselves and come out of it with even more resentment and vitriol

[@_tripalong]

They're probably going to male therapists who didn't work on themselves first before trying to fix their patients 😰

[@iwishihadseenthatlol]

Literally in awe of Khadija talking openly about times when she manipulated people as a reflex while encouraging men to challenge their own behaviours too. How is she this great? How is this even possible??

[@ta4770]

Hey hey! So I'm trying to be a better ally- I've heard these days Khadija goes by they/them xx though I'm open to correction! Not sure if they also go by multiple pronouns. Was wondering if you know?

[@gregvs.theworld451]

Did I miss something in the video? Where did she talk about manipulating people, and if she did, how is that great?

[@lastseenontuesday6040]

she still held herself accountable. she's not a saint lok

[@Molopo_mt]

Love that Keke is not afraid of her anatomy, and he just has to deal, cause she's back to posting 😂

[@taginefc3189]

She never missed a beat… cause why stop for something that is not her problem?

[@Eltinytim]

I feel like a lot of these people are policing women's bodies because of envy and projection. I can assure you that many of these men secretly wish to be like those women they despise and criticize so much. So it's not always about treating them like property or fear of how other men think/act, sometimes it's a frustration that stems from their own perceived lack of desirability. Masculinity is a promise but also a prison, and since many of us don't feel allowed to get out we don't allow others to live freely either.

[@rejectionisprotection4448]

On a podcast I heard more texts and what came out was even more worrying. Apparently they went to therapy and the female therapist suggested that whenever a male approached Sarah, she was to move away. Seriously. Therapists don't exist in a vacuum and it seems that this particuiar therapist clearly aligned herself with Jonah, instead of calling him out on these demands.

[@Zullala]

Never understood this, "MaH bOuNdArIeS" issue when it comes to somebody else's friends. Idk, it just seens like this should have been brought up early in the relationship, like maybe even on the first or second date. "Do you have friends of the opposite sex?" "Yes I do." "Oh okay, I'm not very comfortable with that. I don't think that this relationship is going to work out in the long run. But thanks for coming out to meet me." Heck same could be applied to the job issue. "What do you do for work?" "I'm a surf instructor. I really enjoy surfing!" "Thats cool, I'm glad you found something you enjoy. I'm wondering do you wear a bikini when you go to the beach? "Yeah, why" "Ok, I'm actually looking for someone who only dresses modestly. It's just my personal reference." Is that really so difficult? Why do people get into these relationships and then farther down the line expect their partners to drop their friendships, change how they dress and change jobs? Basically they want their partner to change into another person... It's totally unreasonable. Just find a person you get along with instead of trying to shoehorn people into your bOuNdAries. We're going to be real... He knew about her lifestyle before rhey even started dating. Honestly he's unbelievably selfish.

[@_tripalong]

These men don't want to pursue women who already dress and behave modestly. They don't find it attractive. They want to conquer the sexy, liberated, outgoing woman. But once they do, they feel the need to tame her and hide her attractiveness in public, otherwise she will be noticed by other men who could "steal" her from them. As if we're objects to be owned concealed or stolen, and not real grown humans with agency and autonomy.

[@niablee]

These two incidents amongst SEVERAL others within these last few years have let me know it's time for women as a collective to decenter a lot of these men. They know what they're doing, they're not going to stop, they're never going to "get it" so let's just move on & forget about 'em!

[@JutaStokes]

I lucked onto a *truly* feminist man in the mid-90s and married him, so I went years without any of this being an issue. But, having been non-monogamous, I ended up with a Jonah Hill type in my life and it was so traumatising (when I finally realised what was happening) that I decided that hetero women like me who score a lovely man are better off embracing monogamy than trying to find two unicorns. My husband is human and flawed, as I certainly am, but he has never EVER told me how to present myself to the world. I know his preferences, he loves how I look without make-up, long hair, no bangs, etc, but to quote him, "It's your body and you need to be happy in it, I'm not going to be less happy because you're wearing orange eyeshadow and green lipstick with a buzzcut".

[@lizp4615]

i dated this guy who (among many, MANY other red flags) used to insist on walking between me and other guys he saw that were looking at me. like physically in between me and other men at the grocery store that happened to look at me. he'd glare at them. i could be wearing baggy basketball shorts and a tshirt and this would happen.

[@tfkdandsvkc]

Yes khadija you always hit the nail on the head always with this topics men pretending to care while masking it as control they are obsessed with controlling men its crazy

[@kaeuymah]

Another great intelligent discussion with Auntie 😊. And Khadijah sure is more emotionally mature than me on this one. I cannot for the life of me find compassion for the cis hets that conflate “boundaries” and “rights”. If it’s to the point that they’re refusing to employ basic English comprehension, I’d rather they call a spade and spade and say “what they actually mean: “I have a right to your body because you are my property”. That kind of manipulation and ignorance gets me… Thank you as always for your vulnerability and educated discussions, Khadijah!

[@moalatheartist4329]

Amen to “some of y’all are giving jealous”. I got my PhD in December and started pole dancing in January. My immigrant mother had a similar reaction. Thankful my friends did not. Additionally what I don’t understand about Darius is if you wanted a woman that was modest that’s okay, and he could’ve had one. He chose not to. Keke was never dressed traditionally modestly so his argument was hooplah. I wish “traditional” people or partners would stop trying to push their ideologies on people that have actively examined all their options and chose the opposite.

[@bambambi5918]

"because why would you feel the need to put that on the internet.....👀 Darius" girl that took me out That's exactly the way we women need to talk to men who act controllin like this 😅

[@jonathanparadis-desmarais1830]

I’m a guy and all you said is so true! Guys need to talk about it between us! I do it myself and i’ve lost guys friends about it but that’s ok. We have to stop tolerated those behaviour!

[@theklr]

I really am perturbed in how regressive it feels like society is. Is it due to wage theft? I’m going to blame wage theft

[@GreenGorgeousness]

Or extinction Burst!!

[@modadv.s8992]

I’m so happy I had a sister bc thinking about all the times she tried to look pretty/gorgeous (not tryna say sexy bc that’s my sister 🤮) it was because she wanted to look pretty. It’s a huge confidence boost. The same way men try to get muscles and where suits and have hair cuts they want to look good not for the opposite sex but for everyone else and most importantly themselves. And if you have respect for yourselves whatever people constitute as cheating leave the relationship as soon as it happens rather than changing the person. It will not work

[@PokhrajRoy.]

‘Flamboyant Feminine-in-in-ness’. Thank you for this term ❤

[@morganlopez4221]

Thanks for this video. You have expressed everything ive been internally raging about. The amount of people invalidating these womens reactions has been so disappointing and alarming.

[@fredskull1618]

As a millennial man who knows how far away from Gen Z he is, I try my best to introspect and challenge my conditioned behaviors and views. I recognize that it’s unhealthy to control or dictate how women should act or dress. I have been in therapy for 10 years now, and I have been called out for misusing therapeutic language with my partner. It’s taken just as long to get my humility back. Overall, I’m happy you're advocating for societal change, pushing back against gendered expectations, and promoting individual growth. Self-reflection and self-awareness really is the key to fostering healthier relationships and attitudes.

[@RKhere97]

Khadija's skin been glowing lately, drop the skincare routine ma'am! I see you 😾👀

[@Ceil420]

FWIW, I do check descriptions, typically for links lol Thank you so much for this video, and many others. You seem to have a lot of the words I'm looking for to describe observed truths. Your insight has been invaluable in my journey to understand humanity.

[@tatianacoy9874]

I absolutely love how you give us books to read everytime I watch your videos I have to write the title and author down to go back and read

[@smailinen]

Thank you so much for the thoughtfulness. The way you reflect on this is on point! Love and admire your ability to deeply reflect, your honesty and your courage. Thank you, Khadija ❤

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Thank YOU! 🥰

[@darwinism8181]

Men are taught from an early age that insecurity is the natural state of being for them, and that if they don't act on their insecurities they cannot be manly.

[@blevinkt]

A lot of what you addressed at the beginning of the video with the dichotomy between motherhood and sexiness sounded tangentially related to the Madonna-whore complex, and I would love to hear your exploration on that topic one of these days. Great video as always from this 23 yo guy :)

[@GreenGorgeousness]

Yes! This complex is too real.

[@TheLalab4]

You hit the nail on the head for generations women let them get away with being however they wanted to be now we not having it

[@lutzcore]

I talk to people I date the same way I talk to my children: "I love you" "I'm proud of you" "I made brownies"

[@norielli12]

As a Muva, I just want to say thank you for preaching! This is the first time I am discovering you but so glad I did.