Are We Dating The Same Guy? | Digital Whisper Networks in the

[@hootsyoutube]

Let’s talk about being well-versed on what’s going on in the world and coming to your own informed conclusions using Ground News. Go to ground.news/Hoots to see through partisan spin and stay up to date on the latest news without being stressed out by it. Subscribe through my link for $1/month or 30% off the unlimited access this month only!

[@socialist-strong]

I worry that ground news, being a company selling a product, puts *its own spin* on things. For example, to expose bias it frames things on a left right liberal-conservative scale. But this scale is in of itself a political opinion and not a fact of life, for example if you put something like socialism on the left of the scale, then many big media outlets would be a lot closer together on the center right, than the “left=liberal” scale might suggest. I worry that portraying such a service as “neutral” and “objective” might have obscure the ways in which it is not.

[@corysmith3447]

the problem is we need toxic masulinsty to fight other toxic masulnity why there is military in every country, human nature is men more T levels makes them that way though most dont act on it most of the time, everyoine has been victimized but to identiy as a victim as part of victimhood culture is 100% covert narrcist which sam-vahknin the leasing expert on the topic points out

[@caelanconrad]

Thank you for making this for all of us who were failed by whisper networks, and all of us who might need them in the future.

[@MindBodySoulOk]

I am out of the online dating world because women have gone too far.

[@Naymond]

As a naturally large and loud masculine CSA survivor, there are far fewer opportunities to be in community with other survivors than there should be. I know that a big reason why is to keep the spaces where femme survivors gather safe and I recognize, accept, and even encourage that but it's still hard sometimes. A (probably unintended, but welcome) side effect of this format and platform is that I get to have these moments of community, however one-sided, without my presence impacting anyone else. I expected to quietly learn, but I didn't expect to have that feeling that I'd been seen. I've been lucky enough to help others feel seen when I've shared my story in the past. You did that for me today. Thank you for sharing and teaching. It means a lot in ways you may not have expected.

[@iamjustkiwi]

I can really relate to this. The massive disconnect between my internal view of how I think I am presenting myself and how people actually view me is something I have to be constantly reminding myself of. Internally, I'm a tall lanky gentle guy who couldn't hurt a fly much less another person...but it turns out other people can't read my mind and just have to go off of my apparently imposing appearance and deep voice. I know it's not personal but sometimes it's hard not to feel like it is, but people have to protect themselves and I don't know what sort of experiences they've had with other people like me and I need to give space for that consideration. Even with all that I became a victim of SA as an adult from a trusted male friend and have always been extremely hesitant to discuss it because it's both embarrassing (not the fact it happened, but the societal view about when it happens to guys) and because I don't like to compare my experience to things some people have been dealing with their entire lives. Idk, but thanks for sharing.

[@Naymond]

@@iamjustkiwi It took me a lot of time and therapy to stop downplaying what I’d been through. Someone’s events being “worse” doesn’t change the impact of what you went through on you. You’re not alone. I have a clear memory of when the Weinstein case was breaking and I read too many details and was right on the edge of needing to go cry somewhere. I was on really packed public transit a few minutes later when I noticed my proximity was making a young femme person near me uncomfortable and I totally spiraled. For all I know we were both on high alert because of reading the same story. Maybe I even looked a lot like someone who had hurt them at some point. That wasn’t their fault at all and I just wished I had a way to open my brain and show them I wasn’t a threat but that’s not possible. We can’t know what everyone around us has been through. I have done a lot of work to be sure I don’t take these moments personally. It’s not about me and those moments aren’t about you, either. Showing grace in those situations has seemed to help others and it also helps me know I did as little harm as I could. I hope you can find a group of male survivors to work with. Years of group therapy changed my life.

[@Naymond]

@@loadishstone I was lucky enough to be in a small group therapy cohort with other male CSA survivors. It changed my life. I’ve tried to use what I learned there in all aspects of my life since then.

[@ianporter2446]

ooof rt

[@goosewithagibus]

Stay strong. Your pain is valid and I hope you have people around you that can give you the emotionally safe place to be open about your trauma. I have similar issues with being a 5'11 masc AMAB person. It's very isolating. But I've found AFAB people are easy to get close to if I remain gentle, give space (physically), and subtly let them know I'm an emotionally vulnerable person. It took time to learn but it's let me form friends with some really amazing women and other femme peeps.

[@hootsyoutube]

I won't be able to respond to every comment, but know that I am reading them all. "I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you.”

[@caelanconrad]

This is beautiful!

[@schm00b0]

Might be my ears are old but it seems KyleKallgrenBHH cooperated with you on this video.

[@johnplayer420]

Your closing speech is the most well written, most well delivered, and most moving monologue I've ever born witness to on this platform. This video elevates KZbin.

[@hootsyoutube]

I have seen a few comments saying that you’re having trouble accessing free tier or that it appears to be gone. Free tier isn’t a named tier on my Patreon, but if you sign up you should have the option. And I had the post set at “all members” but went ahead and made the post visible to everyone in case you’re still having trouble finding it as a free member. Now you don’t even have to sign up, just visit my page! (But consider signing up, if you can. You get early-access, ad-free content there. 🙂)

[@gamewrit0058]

💜

[@longshank59]

As a Boomer Trans Woman who had an evangelical Youth Preacher SA me. They knew I was gay. I blamed myself for the longest time. Couldnt talk about it for longest time. When you dont have anyone to talk to about it and then others blame you for who u r u start believing those lies. A wise person told me "A smart person learns from there own mistakes, a Wise person learns from others mistakes!" Today I choose to be a Wise Woman

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

I'm so sorry that happened to you & so glad you've been able to survive, thrive, & choose to be good to your sweet self.

[@Adamsmasher23]

When you said that you haven't seen a therapist since leaving that job, what I heard was that as part of removing yourself from a triggering environment, you also lost access to your therapist. I am sorry. It's unfortunate that employers have this type of power over us, it's cruel that access to support such as therapy is so contingent.

[@maggiedk]

Wow. It wasn't until watching this that I realized I, too, was failed by a whisper network. I have so much I want to say, but I don't know how, so I'll just say thank you for this video 💜

[@hootsyoutube]

I'm so sorry. I hope you feel validated, if nothing else.

[@emisformaker]

An eyeroll and raised eyebrow? As an autistic person who's not great with subtlety - let alone non-verbal subtlety - now I'm looking back at both of my assaults and wondering if part of the lack of empathy I got was from people who thought they'd 'warned' me, but I went ahead anyway. Cool, cool.

[@quiestinliteris]

Sounds pretty damn plausible. I once asked about a guy and got an eye roll and a raised eyebrow and assumed the person I was asking didn't want to discuss my dating life. After he proved really gross and intrusive, I was complaining about the experience, and the person I had asked exclaimed "I TOLD you not to mess with him because he's a creep! Whatever happened after that is on you!" Friend, you literally never told me anything. You changed the subject instead of answering my question, and I did not receive any actionable information from your eyeballs. That was unpleasant enough; I'm so sorry it turned out so much worse for you than for me.

[@TheTroutyness]

Sure as hell happened to me.

[@Gabriel_Blair]

D:

[@irregularstuff5290]

Sorry that you had to deal with this. I was lucky enough not to get assaulted, but when I listened hoots I thought that the most likely interpretation of eyeroll and raised eyebrow is that this guy is socially awkward, autistic himself or something along those lines, not that he can be dangerous! What a sick joke.

[@poiwytlee]

Cool love that. Same. Had similar thing. People just let me become totally isolated by a rapist and acted like I should have known better...as a disabled autistic person...okkkkkkk

[@socialist-strong]

“Even if a predator’s type is 20 year old blond women, others are vulnerable” Or their “type” is 40 year old women of color, women with disabilities, 15 year old girls, or trans people generally, the list goes on. all these people are vulnerable. For example in the trans community it’s so common for creeps to target us, we have a special word for them, “chasers”. Leaving vulnerable groups out of the conversation is not only a failure of solidarity, it also weakens any network by depriving it of critical perspectives and information.

[@bethelbethel845]

#MeToo It was over a decade ago. I reported him. He was my professor. The outcome was messy and very sad. I “won” but it was a situation where no one could have won. I’m glad I reported, but holy moly I lost so much. And I would never blame anyone who chooses not to report. Because we don’t get supported by society as it is right now. Solidarity. And thank you for an excellent video.

[@SpoopySquid]

As an autistic person who has serious issues following social cues, that section around the 40:00 mark of people calling out "red flags" gave me legit anxiety.

[@dillspitzen]

learning about whisper networks after experiencing SA and learning that the whisper network explicitly decided to exclude me (bullies be bullies, i guess) hits different.

[@CavishBeka]

In larp circles we call the topic of a whisper network a "missing stair". People warn each other about it, and learn to live with it without tripping, but nobody bothers to actually fix it (meaning removing the harmful person).

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Interesting! A therapist introduced me to the "missing stair" concept in the context of parental control + physical/emo abuse/neglect (not SA then, tho I have experiences with that too). I got the impression the missing stair expression could be applied to anyone with a position of power within a system who seems untouchable (a family patriarch or benefactor, a boss, a priest, a teacher, rich folks, etc) but is volatile, dangerous, & potentially violent --- whether emotionally, physically, sexually, financial control, etc. & despite the missing stair being the real problem, everyone else takes on the emotional labour of making sure the missing stair gets to just live their life while we all problem-solve the problems the stair makes without "bothering" the stair. It's such a good analogy, I'm not surprised it applies to other similar situations. I recall another side of that coin during that therapy session --- it led to us doing work on how I'd been scapegoated within the family, which apparently happens a lot with Missing Stair Scenarios? Like...people get upset at the most obvious victim or they pick a vulnerable person to blame the stair-trouble on bc the stress + emotional dysregulation + anxiety + cognitive dissonance compels some folks to displace the resentment + anger they have towards the stair onto someone who can't threaten or hurt them. Bad cycle.

[@StraylightWintermute]

@@picahudsoniaunflocked5426 the term was originally coined by the blog Pervocracy about people within social groups -- they don't have to be people in a formal position of power as long as those around them respond to their behavior by accommodating it rather than challenging it because they're afraid of social upheaval. I think that if it's a person in such a position of power that everyone around them is afraid of real consequences of speaking up, it might make more sense to use another term. "Missing stair" is about dysfunctional group behavior rooted in a fear of disagreement, on a spectrum with the "Geek Social Fallacies" defined by an earlier writer.

[@ParadoxRevealed11]

Yep, as a larper and member of other nerdy subcultures, this is definitely a thing

[@blahblahblah6783]

Also in the LARP community, and when we try to fix it a good old boy network will pipe up about "not wanting to ruin someone's 20 year LARP career" or whatever. It's enraging.

[@glupik1234]

except the whisper network does serve to single out the abuser. missing stair is more about "everybody knows it but pretends it isn't there and just jumps around it without looking " in my understanding

[@nondescriptname]

Being non-binary this kind of network is actually what made me stop using dating apps. A close friend notified me that I had showed up on one with the simple question of "hey just in case, is anyone else seeing this guy?" Which informed me not only that my partner at the time was in their own mind misgendering me but that they and a collection of dozens of strangers were also comfortable doing so. I'm never going back to online platforms.

[@hootsyoutube]

Jesus. I'm sorry.

[@nondescriptname]

@@hootsyoutube Thank you. I'm not done with the video yet but I think it's a great subject and I'm glad people are talking about it. It's difficult because I recognize the obvious necessity but have personal experience both with how violating it can feel to be dissected in a public forum without your consent and how easily the mutual defense of feminine spaces can result in a shoring up of transphobic attitudes. The fact that I kind of look like a man was enough for an explicitly feminist space to cast me as one despite explicit self-identification and, let's face it, the fact that I'm visibly queer.

[@BlackTestament]

Jesus Christ im also non-binary and that's just... Horrible This basically confirms my thoughts about dating apps

[@shushunk00]

as u showcased them(ex partner)with "they" That means they are themselves nb but were unsure or were intentionally misgendering you Wow that's a new flavor of bigotry I learned😅

[@nondescriptname]

@@shushunk00 The person in question was a cis woman. I tend to default to "they" in my speech because I spend a lot of time in queer communities and making it your default habitual pronoun for third parties prevents accidental hurt. That said, what you're describing does happen. I have had other non-binary people attempt to delegitimize my expression. On the whole, my personal experiences have reflected that both inside and outside the queer community, non-binary people who were amab or appear masculine are taken much less seriously in their expression and typically treated as masculine. It's something the community still has to work on.

[@princesskittyglitter]

I recently was bullied in one of these groups because I wasnt a fan of posting women who were sleeping with men who had spouses. They went to my profile, stole a pic, and called me a homewrecker with no evidence. Fellow women were commentjng on my looks, saying i look disgusting. It really hurt me. I think these groups started with good intentions but somewhere along the way we lost the plot.

[@govindnair3064]

It’s bad that they bullied you but I think it’s important to expose women who sleep with men who have spouses (and vice versa) because of the physical danger cheating can cause (it could end up with HIV being spread to their kids as a worse case scenario).

[@princesskittyglitter]

@govindnair3064 I completely disagree. You never know what the guy is telling them and a lot of the time they aren't aware that they are the other woman.

[@manderly33]

@@govindnair3064 That implies the person who is sleeping with more than one person is not taking precautions, and that is information you likely do not have. Further, you don’t know if the second partner has any idea that they’re with someone who has a spouse.

[@holliebrokaw3716]

This type of behavior is so ubiquitous on social media it's pretty much chased me away from participating in any and all communities, regardless of what the subject of the community is. I wish I knew why it's so ubiquitous but I can't say your experience surprises me. I'm sorry it happened.

[@Lilyanna298]

@@govindnair3064Why expose the other woman rather than the cheater? Lots of cheaters lie about being single

[@atlas_cass]

Thank you for including queer people in this. As a queer person who grew up being sexually violated by my own mother, it has been extremely disheartening to work with this trauma, in environments where the binary is men as the perpetrator and woman as the victim.

[@PlutosAsleep]

i’m so sorry you were hurt in that way, you didn’t do anything to deserve something so horrid, and i hope you can find peace ❤

[@CloudyObsession]

I'm an NB genderfluid person that frequently presents masculine, for most of my life up until around 2018 I identified as cis male, including the period of time before and for years after I was sexually assaulted in 2008. I was in high school, I tried to tell some of my friends (who were also friends with my assaulter) and they pretty much just brushed it off, probably because I was out as gay and my assaulter was also an out gay guy. Took a couple years until I hit college before I finally came to terms with what happened, which for a time actually made things worse. I felt violated, I felt angry I'd been denied support from my friends over the trauma, I felt even angrier my assaulter had never faced consequences. I needed support relating to my assault in that time more than ever. I tried talking to my female friends and close classmates/acquaintances about it because I didn't know who else to turn to, I had no insurance and couldn't afford any kind of mental health services, the LGBTQ+ resources on campus were VERY limited, and I thought that if there was _anyone_ I could turn to, the women around me would understand and provide me with resources to help me heal. Of all the women I told, ONE person took me seriously, and it was the one person at my university who I'd also gone to high school with and had known for longer than a year or two (and for the record: was not one of the people I told about my assault when it first happened). I was never invited to talk more about it with anyone, never pointed to survivor resources or support groups, nothing. I dealt with that pain and turmoil and eventual recovery in relative isolation. Being able to share my experience and talk openly with other survivors would have made a world of difference, but no one was willing to reach out to me or include me in their groups or point me toward resources, and everything that was google-able or provided by the campus or I had any ability to find on my own w/r/t sexual assault recovery was, at least as far as I could tell, only for women. I did eventually heal but it does kinda sting knowing there were almost certainly groups that could have helped that I was denied access to. (sorry for the edits just wanted to add some context, and also say that I loved and appreciated the video)

[@OverAnalyst]

Thank you. From a woman who was in the military over a decade, over a decade ago: whisper networks saved lives. Here's to better. Of course there was an enraging amount of support and "support" that did nothing. I literally got punished just for reporting a predator because high rank. Seriously, we all deserve better. *JFC here at the end, I just want to give you & all of us a huge fkg hug. I'm finally believing it's not my fault. It's not YOUR fault. I don't know the solution, but please know that whoever you are, _you are not alone_

[@migoreng7789]

i did research on glass ceiling for my masters graduation thesis and tbh the more i dug up the more it felt like SA, SH are tools used to restrict workplace mobility for women... even if they don't resign their "job performance" won't be the same. the lack of support alone. it was fucking depressing bc i myself quit working in certain field due to what i experienced from male co-workers and female co-workers would dismiss my concerns. it just didn't click before this might be systemic and not me being crazy sensitive due to bad "entry level" experience

[@flfb]

"We are packing dirty rags into an open wound and hoping we don't bleed out." That's gonna stay with me for a long time.

[@Mallory-Malkovich]

It's amazing how things keep getting both incrementally better and exponentially worse at the same time.

[@ZombieInvader]

In my experience, whisper networks also fill an important gap when there is troubling behaviour that’s /just/ shy of reportable. When I was in school, there were multiple teachers who were creepy with students. But adults didn’t take us seriously if we said “Mr X is always trying to give the girls shoulder rubs and it creeps us out”. So the only way to protect younger kids was whisper networks. I’m in my 30s but back living in my hometown. At my work, we always have some high school kids working as a summer or part time job. If I find out that they went to my school, I ask them about the problem teachers and give them relevant warnings/ advice.

[@StormSought]

That should be reportable. It's been a while since I was in highschool and you could literally report a teacher for a high 5 if you really wanted to. Handshakes were I think the only permitted contact. Luckily the teachers I had were mostly fine, but hopefully that just means that these kinds of rules are getting better over time and more kids will be protected (though it's the american school system, so.)

[@Ember_Green]

Thank you so much for making this. It's a masterpiece. I hope everyone sees it.

[@annaphallactic]

(comment for the al-gore-rhythm) Brown wasn't the only college campus where women were writing their reapist's names on the bathroom walls. It was happening everywhere, but at Evergreen College it actually helped to lead to something more: a cultural and political movement known as riot grrrl. AWDTSG is what happens when people feel disempowered; riot grrrl is where anger at the same thing led to action. I wish we felt more comfortable taking the RG route as a culture these days, perhaps we could stand to learn some lessons from that. Hoots, sending you love and healing. Thank you for sharing your story. 💜

[@Gravelgratious]

Evergreen was a racist hell hole for me, and so many students of color were falsely accused by individuals who simply didn't like black or brown people. The green circle program rewarded gossip and allowed actual predators to go unchecked. Many white students especially those from the south would use this to self segregate while making it appear as though they were acting with good intentions. Evergreen taught me to never trust gossip because not every person is honest. Character assassination is a very real thing and has been used for centuries to enforce a white supremacist landscape. It is unbelievably painful to have made "friends" that would deny you your humanity solely because they were told something about you. Evergreen had a very good way of cloaking racism to look as though people were being proactive in helping their community rather than dividing it. That school really opened my eyes to how racism exists within progressive/liberal circles.

[@scobeymeister1]

​@@GravelgratiousI've heard stories of black men on college campuses who absolutely refuse to sleep with white women because it's so dangerous. This right here is exactly why "believe the victim" isn't the whole solution. Because as long as these networks are used as a tool of racist oppression, justice will not emerge from them. Thank you for sharing ❤

[@annaphallactic]

@@Gravelgratious Yeah, people love sweeping the white supremacist history (and current rampant racism) of the PNW under the rug. I'm sorry you experienced that.

[@thegreatusername2355]

It also happened at Columbia University, where Mattress Girl made an art project out of a false accusation

[@bunasdfghjkl]

@@Gravelgratiousthank you for commenting this. your words are an amazing start to deepening my own perspective. i think i have a lot of work to do in regards to learning about how race intersects with the patriarchy, particularly in this covert way that masks itself as a full stop “good thing.” all this to say, thank you for taking the time and energy to share your story. :)

[@the_d12rose]

I could tell before the final part that this was personal. The feeling crept up slowly, and just as the final part began, I was feeling almost afraid to meet your desychronized gaze, as if at any moment you would just… scream into the microphone, incoherent rage. I realized a few moments later that was because I wanted to scream. We are not safe. I did not scream, my kids are asleep (lol). But the uncanny fear dissipated once I realized I had recognized my rage in you (or at least displaced it?) & that was what scared me. But I don’t need to fear myself. Rage doesn’t feel good but sometimes it can feel powerful… It’s been almost 20 years. Good to know it’s still there.

[@FromAGoodGnome]

I've cried reading these comments. I was warned by a whisper network but was harassed anyway because I had to work with the guy, and even though it's not the worst violation I've dealt with, it still frustrates me that everyone knew and no one did anything. They just let me go to HR and deal with that shitshow - and I still don't know if he really learned anything or stopped the behavior. I was so relieved to leave that job, it's exhausting.

[@jonsnowver4183]

As an AMAB enby, the idea that my private conversations might be shared around without my knowledge definitely makes me uncomfortable. However, I have seen PLENTY of men make MEGA folders and share them around anonymously online of nudes they've received from women, so as far as I'm concerned I'm getting the better deal in this situation.

[@calipigeon]

Restaurant catfishing is insane. Keep yourself safe by simply skipping the man/date part and treat yourself

[@Praisethesunson]

That is such an insane scam. Like best case scenario. Your restaurant becomes known as the one where sad single women keep going.

[@aj7058]

​@@Praisethesunsonso it's great marketing as well as the direct benefit of increased sales.

[@calipigeon]

@@Praisethesunson I mean that’s a marketing strategy in itself. Some places will do a free drink night for ladies in hopes that groups of ladies will come and attract men as well, but catfishing is just plain predatory 😑

[@Geospasmic]

Now I'm wondering do people go on dates with people they haven't actually called or FaceTimed with? Like just texts, no voice or anything?

[@goober479]

@@Geospasmicyup.

[@BlakeLemonPants]

Thank you for this video. As a rape survivor myself, NOTHING enraged s me more than hearing of people going through the same thing. No one should have to go through this. I deserved better. You deserved better. We all deserve better. Sending you strength and courage for the road ahead ❤

[@xerenas1593]

This doesn’t just deserve to go viral. It NEEDS to go viral. As many people as possible need to see this, not simply because it’s a beautiful piece of art but because it’s a beautiful piece of art that could not just save lives, but could very well change the way we save people’s lives in that we save more of them. I’ve been a fan of your work for a while now and the quality of your content just keeps. getting. better. I’m super excited to see what’s to come from you, Hoots. While I love these in-depth videos about social and cultural systems … there’s a part of me that still wants the next video to be a forty-five minute long rant about The Mummy 😅 An enormous amount of love from a stressed flute player in Amsterdam

[@MG-hz7wi]

I grew up in the 1980s, and by the time I was 18 I had experienced two attempted r***s and one successful. The successful one involved three male teenagers that I thought were my friends drugging me, so I do not remember most of the actual experience. I remember the middle of it, crawling on the bed and screaming and feeling very ill. I remember the one boy who offered to drive me home, who could do nothing but cry and say I'm sorry over and over again. I never told anybody. Who the hell would believe me? After all, I had voluntarily gone to the boys house unaccompanied by any other girls. I thought they were my friends. I knew I would be blamed. I grew up and raise kids and I've seen my hope for the world get crushed a little bit every time I hear of new allegations, prejudices rising their ugly heads over and over again. When I was younger I thought that the world would be such a better place than it is now. The only thing the balance is my disillusionment in my older middle age is The Hope and idealism I see in the younger generations. You inspire me to work harder and to believe that things can be better. If not for me, then hopefully for future generations.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Your story is eerily close to one of my r-pes. My bf at the time was out of town; his friends who I thought were my friends invited me over to watch movies, which we'd done before, going over as a couple. It was very different this time. I broke up with my bf after he got back & I moved away. The shame is still so acute. I still feel foolish. I still feel dirty + broken.

[@MG-hz7wi]

@@picahudsoniaunflocked5426 I believe my personality disorder has a lot to do with the shame of things that happened to me and having no one to talk to but my own peers. My mother never wanted to hear anything bad, just good things. My dad was gone. When my mom remarried I was 16 so.... But my dad was angry angry person who was physically abusive once or twice, mostly just emotionally abusive. He made me feel very unimportant at a very young age, so anything that happened to me I never told my mother. I was bullied to the point where I had hair torn out and my clothes had cigarette holes burned into them, and I just hid it. My first boyfriend beat me on a regular basis, because I felt unworthy of love my whole life. It left me with borderline personality disorder, and many many difficulties with mood regulation and substance abuse over the years. The thing is is it's kind of like being bipolar, you have some amazing highs and amazing lowe's, except with borderline that's combined with a huge hole in your heart and in fear of being abandoned, a desire to be loved.you can also cycle between highs and lows 10 times a day, unlike bipolar which usually lasts at least 24 hours. It's exhausting to be around me, and I never really knew that until my best friend died and I realized I had nobody to talk to. The silence and shame can f*** you up for sure. But I've had wonderful wonderful times, as well, and when I was raising my children was the only time I feel truly stable. Covid really messed me up financially. I'm still hanging on, though, trying to come to terms of the realization that that hole inside me will never be filled. It's just who I am, and I need to learn how to except that, and leave the best life I can do to the circumstances under which I was born and race. I'll be 60 in just over 2 years, and it seems like I never really get any older inside. My body hasn't failed me yet though. I'm very proud of my kids, but they're growing up in a world that's way tougher financially than it was for me. I think the kids that are being raised now are much more emotionally aware than I ever was, and much more accepting of people who have brains that just work differently. I think gen zcan truly make the world a better place, as long as this economic thing gets ironed out somehow. I've seen the American dream, and it seems like my life has been just nuts. Oh my God I just wrote a novel. I'm going to shut up now. I'm in one of my higher cycles, but I'm manageable now thanks to SNRIs. I swear nothing worked until I used those sort of antidepressants. Keep your head up. Life is truly wonderful, even though it throws you some curve balls. None of us are without scars. You're still standing, and so am i, and as long as you're alive you can make a difference for the there may be typos, speech to text, thank you for listening to my TED talk

[@scottbuck1572]

"he wont tell me his last name. Should I be concerned?" YES, that is fucking TERRIFYING

[@Praisethesunson]

There is no way a story like that ends well.

[@scottbuck1572]

@@Praisethesunson My thoughts exactly: serious Patrick Bateman vibes

[@Budrica]

I've had men trying to get with me who wouldn't tell me their FIRST names -- wtf???

[@jalapenofarts]

@@mezzb I was thinking dealer, on account of the money, but you're probably right.

[@ajplays-gamesandmusic4568]

I don't give my last name until Iv'e seen where they live, and they've seen where I live. And I encourage my partners to do the same. I do this because my first serious relationship I was in (or at least the first one I took seriously, she didn't) was with a woman who lied to me about her living situation, and it turned out she was living with her stalker ex-bf... and because my first/last name made it into her phone contacts, this dude very easily became my stalker too.

[@DawnOfDragonz]

All right, here's my yell in the comments... I don't think that explanation of gossip fully engages with how it intersects with, say, the crabs in a bucket mentality. When it's not used as protection and information but to tear someone down for not meeting arbitrary standards that the gossipers feel they must meet. As someone who was AFAB, gossip about me was one of the primary bullying methods that ruined my social life in my grade school years, in part because I was too autistic then to instinctively grasp the social norms that came easily to others. Plenty of things feel "good" when taken beyond moderation afterall. Anyway, watching the rest of the essay now, enjoy this bit of engagement!

[@lettucekitteh6175]

This was powerful and moving - you have a good way with words. Thank you. Unrelated anecdote: There was an MTV series around 2017 called Sweet/Vicious about a pair of vigilante girls who went around their college campus beating up assaulters (simplifying slightly); I didn't realize the 'writing names on bathroom walls' event in the first episode was based on a real-life happening. (...naturally, the show lasted one entire season before its cancellation.)

[@roxyamused]

I'm an older millennial (39), and your last statement about the architecture of our destruction hit pretty hard. In my late teens and early 20's in the early 00's, misogyny and rape culture was just soooo ingrained. It feels almost like people have amnesia or just minimize their own actions in mass. I did fucked up shit, so many people did fucked up shit to me, and it almost seems like that's how we were taught to act. I dunno, it's a veritable rat king of shame, regret and trauma. It's really hard to explain in a lot of ways, and sadly many still think that's how to act. I think it's amazing that people talk shit to manosphere whatevers, fucking Mystery the PU"A" had his own reality TV show teaching virginal men how to neg women into bed. It's such a culture shock now, and I lived it. Sometimes it feels like people my age and older choose not to reckon with it and just ignore or minimize it. Anyway, thanks for the video.

[@coin2039]

Ok so thank you for making this. Because when I say this to women they usually get mad at me and our arguments leave me wondering if it's just my residual misogyny showing. It's validating. Hyper vigilence is not healthy. I've identified the same dynamics in internet circles about narcissistic abuse.

[@electricmagnetic]

The way my life has been stolen from me by many of my partners is criminal. From age 12 when I was first SA-ed to the last unhealthy relationship I was in... I'm now 40yo and I hate to say it because it's not the correct way to go about it, but I'd rather not think about it and just live out my life... crocheting, sewing and enjoying the company of my two cats and one very decent partner. I've been places, I've met people, I've done things... Now, I just want to be.

[@scobeymeister1]

Screw the "correct" way. If healing to you looks like crocheting with your cats, you do that. Nobody but you gets to make that choice, but I for one think that sounds pretty nice ❤

[@christineherrmann205]

I hear this. Being abused, used, lied to... I feel like I'm just done, at 53. The idea of stumbling into a nice guy I'm attracted to feels like a fever dream at this point. I have a garden and cats, and no one hurts me... sometimes I wonder if it's the best women can hope for. Maybe it's the best anyone can hope for.

[@BeTeeEl]

I am getting comfortable with my body again after a high school relationship that was very sexually abusive. Its been 5 years and I am still trying to be okay with myself again. I didnt even accept it was rape for 3 years. This stuff is so much harder without community. Glad these kind of networks have been around even though I didnt really have access to them as an isolated transman with poor family relationships. Even if they arent perfect.

[@sugarbugx3564]

Thank you so much for making this! I am not a part of these groups but when I was on tinder I felt myself become distrustful and sometimes actively mean to the men I matched with. Even though I myself am poly. I feel like dating apps fuel women's negative emotions towards men and drive us off the dating sites so that men have to pay to get more matches/stand out against the crowd.

[@seeawn]

This video couldnt have come at a better time. My friend at college has just advised me against taking a class with a predatory professor who she had a *bad* experience with. I can't wait to hear your thoughts about it edit: thanks also for putting accurate captions. It means a lot to hard of hearing and deaf viewers like myself

[@GhostIntoTheFog]

Thank you for choosing to share your story (which could not have been easy) and for sharing the stories of so many others. As someone who wasn’t even aware of the existence of whisper networks, this video shook me wide awake. The dialogue about us not having learnt how to treat one another like human beings was powerfully succinct. You are human and deserve to live in a world where your fundamental human rights aren’t constantly and casually disregarded. You deserve to live in a world where you’re not rolling the dice every time you make yourself even the slightest bit vulnerable.

[@MalkavDraconic]

Looking back, as a gay guy who primarily worked in straight bars: I’ve definitely been involved in analogue whisper networks. Wasn’t aware they were named. Each venues own Barcest is it’s own microcosm of wtf.

[@BTDubbz]

I’ve been r*ped at list 15 times (I keep realizing more of my past sexual interactions were r*pe), and I’ve never been invited to any private victims groups or whisper network or even really been believed by friends (multiple of whom in the past have actually r*ped me). A big part of this, I believe is that I’m AMAB, trans and queer, all of which make me less believable and make most people less interested in triaging me as any color other than black. My childhood best friend once said as a joke that being queer is implied consent, and to be honest I believe that that is how a majority of people see it. I honestly don’t know if these groups would have helped me, but just being allowed in would have been validating and may have prevented future r@pes by letting me know that what I had thought had happened had actually happened. It has taken 10 years for me to even begin to own my whole story. Who knows how much quicker it would have happened if anyone had believed me.

[@itsmarthai]

I believe you, I'm sorry this was done to you, I wish you healing and joy every day from here onwards

[@justcommenting4981]

It seems like you should not keep people as friends when you think they raped you. A majority of people do not view being queer as implied consent. You were in a terrible environment.

[@scobeymeister1]

Holy shit, I'm sorry. For whatever it's worth, I believe you. "Implied consent" is such bs. If you didn't enthusiastically say yes, consent is NEVER implied. And even enthusiastic consent loses meaning when manipulation and coercion enter the picture. I'm so angry on your behalf. Your social connections have failed you and you don't deserve it. You deserve better. Wishing you the best on your journey. May you have ease, safety, and peace ❤

[@randomusername3873]

That's because these groups are never made to help people, they are made to stick it to an ex

[@austensg9596]

This has me thinking about my line of work, and what justice looks like. I work in re-entry, and some of my justice impacted coworkers have been convicted of some stomach-churning things. Myself and another coworker discussed what it means to be survivors of SA and also work with people who have been convicted of SA-type things (choosing my words carefully here, false convictions do exist, especially for Black defendants). We don’t have answers, we just exist in a weird space mentally.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

I've never heard of "re-entry" as a career position. Is it HR? Or are we talking community re-entry, like parole + other reintegration justice system stuff? I just tried to google it to find out more bc it sounds interesting; I wanted to see more of the duties & goals & process of it, what kind of work it was, & lol way too broad search results ensued. If you'd like to elaborate or even just give me a better search term, I'd be grateful. Sounds fascinating. EDIT: Context cues make me think more along the lines of parole, so I'm going to search again but add "justice system" to my terms. Thanks for posting!

[@austensg9596]

@@picahudsoniaunflocked5426 Good question. It’s the second one. And because our org supports justice impacted (JI) individuals in their job search (among other things), we also hire a lot of JI employees. 1/3 of our staff is JI.

[@angelreader4564]

Thank you for this, it hit home. While watching, I found myself getting mad at you. I was getting super defensive, thinking things like “What else are we supposed to do?!” But people have been failed by these networks, myself included. I’m a lesbian, I’m usually not included in these conversations of who to avoid, because I’m not seen as a potential victim, which is LAUGHABLE. I work in theatre. I’ve experienced several instances of trying to report creepy, awful men (in acting, tech, admin, all over) to higher ups, only for them to just hire the men for the next season. I’m so tired.

[@ShutUpMiki]

This comment will likely be buried but I'm a social work student in Las Vegas, sex trafficking is actually a big issue here and so is pandering (pimping). Especially when major sporting events come to town, sex trafficking goes up. I know it's totally unrelated to the point and joke you were making, but I work in both victim/survivor advocacy and sex offender treatment so it stood out to me. Thank you for making this video and sharing your story!

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Important point, thank you. & for going into that field. We can't repair victims + prevent more harm without treating abusers.

[@plaza3825]

Sucks how much emotional labor is saddled by women and femmes. If men put as much effort into supporting each other to be better as they do enabling violence in each other, we'd see more progress. (Not to diminish the good work women and femmes and mascs and men and enbies are already doing)

[@ShutUpMiki]

@@plaza3825 There is a version of me who would have fervently agreed with this. The office I’m a student for puts a lot of emphasis on men supporting and educating other men either by hiring male clinicians or laying down a culture of caring in group therapy. It’s been really inspiring for me to see how men can support each other when given the tools and safe space to do so, but creating that space can be difficult and doesn’t easily align with many societal expectations of men. I think everyone gets trapped in how they’re expected to behave, whether that’s tied to gender or race or even body type and interests. Hmm, I don’t want to ramble but definitely something interesting!

[@glupik1234]

I live in France, not in Paris, but in a city where part of the Olympic games took place... the airbnbs in the city center were pretty much transformed into brothels. Funny thing most of them very close to local police stations.

[@nicole-ls4jb]

I'm so sorry you went through such a horrific event. I believe you. And thank you for sharing with the rest of us ♥️

[@victrosia]

The first whisper network I was part of was at 15 years old. The teacher these rumors were about was arrested in 2019 for a rape he committed in 2006. 2019 was the year I graduated. Despite personally speaking about him in front of other teachers, he was arrested 13 years after what I can only assume was not his first assault. We need to scream, not whisper.

[@ThatDangDad]

Don't even know what to say other than thanks for making this. I hope my daughter grows up to be like you one day

[@hootsyoutube]

Thank you, Phil. That’s such a beautiful compliment. I’m really touched.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

I'm a sub so I usually see your name when I'm listening TO you. Thanks for being here, listening.

[@itsmarthai]

Thank you for sharing your story. And thank you for bringing up how these networks fail so many of us. Just adding other groups that are often failed by whisper networks besides outsiders, gender nonconforming people, nonbinary people, older women, and women of color are fat women or those that are not considered traditionally attractive, and (especially egregious because we are one of the most abused populations in the world) disabled women.

[@elsiemon]

Well done, hoots- this was a tough topic and you handled it with candor and care- proud of you ❤️

[@squashfei8907]

Double feature with "Harm and Justice" by The Leftist Cooks or triple feature with "The Police Will Not Protect Us" or whatever it's called now by FD Signifier for more perspectives on justice

[@courtney1329]

Thank you for such an amazing, honest, and comforting video Hoots! As a victim of SA, it's nice to feel seen and heard and understood, while also being critical of the systems that fail us. Keep up the amazing work!

[@johnplayer420]

The spirit of #MeeToo lives on thanks to creators like you. Thank you for doing this.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

#aussimoi

[@MichiruEll]

Often, unfortunately, all you get is a vibe. I'm not a typical target (too fat to be attractive to most creeps), but I do get vibes sometimes. And I share my vibes with my colleagues to see what gets back to me. Like that professor who only had female employees who all came from far away countries. He would organise work outings to the beach. Which... weird. The whisper network informed me about a year later that he had sent a nude photo to one of his employees. She went to HR, who said they couldn't do anything unless she went to the police (which she was to scared to do as a foreigner). In the end, HR arranged for her to sign an NDA in exchange for money he had to pay her. Since there is an NDA, only the whisper networks could be used. We all knew that if this came out, the girl who signed the NDA would be in trouble. This sucks so much. NDAs are the worst.

[@HideYourKarmaChameleon]

My heart breaks to hear this video. Thank you for transmuting your SA experience into a PSA for others to learn from, think about, and help viewers be better for each other in the digital age. Whisper networks sounds TERFy where limited number of people have privilege, access, and benefits of critical information. 💜

[@MrTAGGER88]

I think a big unspoken issue in this video is the role toxic masculinity plays in perpetuating unhealthy dating and gender perspectives which contribute to not taking no for an answer and the harm that can follow

[@silversam]

Wow. Thank you for making this, Hoots. I'm sorry for what happened to you at the company (even with a woefully incomplete "win" thru HR), and for my part in perpetuating the world you describe here when I was younger.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Thank you for growing.

[@silversam]

@@picahudsoniaunflocked5426 NGL feels like it's done more good for me than anyone else; kinda hope I'm wrong about that 💜

[@silversam]

@@youtubesupportsfascism yeah. I'm not a man (despite the cartoon male superhero avatar) but definitely agree. Experience confirms it.

[@BlueBoboDoo100]

Thank you for creating this. This is an incredibly balanced and nuanced take on whisper networks, their value, and their failings. I'm gonna talk about this with anyone who'll listen lol, and then share this vid if they're interested. Top-notch vid.

[@stuckinks3569]

24 years later, I’m still in therapy because the fear, anger and resentment can still creep up. I have worked to teach my children consent, compassion and empathy. But with society perpetuating this image of what a “Real Man” is, I question if it’s enough.

[@gaimieyellsandcries]

it took me 8 years to not only realise that what happened was wrong it wasn't my fault. i wish we had proper support systems available for people like me who had no idea at 16.

[@lilacsmoon9067]

trying to not get parasocial with this comment, but i thought i'd leave one to feed the algorhythm. i appreciate almost every single video you put out, but i am consistently blown away from the delicate, nuanced touch you have when exploring difficult, fraught, and emotionally complex topics. it would have been SO easy for you to have a black and white approach to this subject in particular, and you did not. around 27:00, when you say we're being failed by institutions AND being failed by the autonomously organised channels we've put up to help ourselves, struck me in particular. excellently done, should be mandatory viewing in school.

[@flfb]

That ending had me in tears. Beautiful, in a bittersweet kind of way. Poetic.

[@nbkhnzzr]

This is one of the most exceedingly nuanced, charitable, empathetic and intelligently made videos on this website. Wow.

[@l0uiise]

This is an important one.Thank you for being a voice Hoots

[@Rosencreutzzz]

I think one of the biggest whisper network failures I’ve seen, in that it was systemically “incentivized” was in college. Now I don’t mean to say my college was brushing things aside, or that they structurally wouldn’t care, but there was a type of guy who would “swoop” That’s the word people used, and it referred to their propensity to date freshmen. Now the thing about this was that many of them obviously had started dating freshmen when they were one, and so it felt gradual, and like just a quirk of he person… not predatory. But then you started to notice how having years rotate in means a whole batch of new students who don’t know the reputation… and from the outside the guys were just “a bit of a heartbreaker” - but everyone would know by sophomore year. And the guys wouldn’t date older because they in part didn’t want to or lacked the social skill and had to rely on ostensibly aiming for people who didn’t know better… and because people who knew the reputation found it gross or cringe but not provably predatory. They swooped, like a bird of prey, and some girl two weeks into being 18 and one week into living on her own for the first time would get caught and enamored by this “grown up relationship” they were entering to… that always conspicuously started with a fling, followed by “dating” for a week after as some kind of post-fact pretext. The network which was almost more than a whisper failed because it could never decide the boundaries of harm and predation.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Maybe we need more Shout Networks.

[@spantigre3190]

I try to remember that this is a long fight. We will not fix the problems of abuse and accountability in my lifetime. That's a hard reality. It is worth fighting anyways, because we can actually help people. We can actually make things better, even if we don't fix anything. So we should.

[@ZyllasAthenaeum]

Thank you, hoots.

[@LisaReynolds-z6d]

Healing is a cycle. Some days I feel strong and finally like myself and then other days I recover a memory or have a nightmare that sends me into emotional disregulation. One therapist I had said, It isn't the S act that causes the ptsd. It's the reaction of those around you, their lack of reaction, support or validation that causes it. That's what causes us to question ourselves. The lack of justice and accountability sends us to be trapped by our emotions. I wish you continued healing and support. Thank you for delving into this topic.❤

[@sperry8399]

Thank you hoots. I love your videos I like many of us have experienced sa and date rrrpe I started many informal whisper networks. Once i hardened.....and survived my hyperrseggzual trauma phases- i began to warn, to speak clearly, to make space for survivors I speak their names in private facebook groups I speak to men angry about the existence of whisper networks And most of all, i try and unlearn the mitrust i have for masc folx and work on including them in my idea of those who are in need of this kind of protection Thank you for your clarity, honesty and braavery ❤

[@SailorToby]

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You are brave and people love you.

[@liamwacey807]

This is a masterpiece. I couldn't put it down. So glad to have stumbled onto this channel.

[@lucyla9947]

I actually remember something like this in my middle school. For some reason one of the Science Teachers was (at least allegedly) a registered sex offender (no idea why he was hired), and this was rather known among the student body through basically gossip channels. Luckily I was never in his class, but the thought that he may have caused problems for my schoolmates, terrifies me, and I really hope that the information helped some of them stay safe.

[@DOCDOCFLAMINGOS]

I think the most important word in your comment is "Allegedly!!".... In that there clearly was a lot of talk and rumors spread around about this teacher.... All being done with No information or knowledge to show actual proof that what was being said was True as opposed to only ever being "Alleged" and continuing to only stay that way!!??!!

[@saraknox1631]

I don't know how long ago this was, but it's really easy to look up whether people are on the registry, and most jobs, especially schools, have that kind of background check a standard part of hiring.

[@ulizez89]

WTF! You just threw that poor guy under the bus with not a shred of evidence on any wrongdoing!? Let's hope karma isn't real and you'll never be in that horrible situation yourself.

[@rozenn6952]

A comment for the algorithm I have no words, I 'm only filled with a deep sadness, an empathetic grieving and a burning rage

[@Supermunch2000]

My God Hoots, what happened to you is absolutely terrible and I'm so sorry you had to go through it. I found your channel a few weeks ago and I've watched most of your stuff and you give me such a strong empathetic vibe that your horror story hit me so very hard I had to take a break before continuing as I was so angry and sad. I'm glad that now you're safe, working through it and taking care of yourself. 💓

[@ericspuur5968]

I got stood up by a date last year at a cafe she wanted to meet at. I wonder if that was a restaurant catfish now. I ended up leaving and not ordering anything. 🤔

[@Mari-nn3kj]

Hoots i am so so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for your vulnerability and being so brave. If I could go back in time I would do what you did and I have so much respect for you for standing up for yourself. I wish you the very best on your healing journey ❤❤️❤❤

[@MosesSuppose]

I’m so sorry to hear about how you were failed. I don’t have anything insightful to add, but I hope you know how powerful and how moving this video is.

[@briefisbest]

I have friends who spent a great deal of time in legal issues from publicly posting about bad behavior from someone in a local community. It's a real issue.

[@ladymercury05]

F.D. Signifier sent me. This video essay is right up my alley but the algorithm had never led me to your channel. You got a new follower.

[@AnxiousGary]

This went from fascinating to emotionally moving really quick, great work ❤

[@bearcahcaw]

Thank you for creating and sharing. Your point about the struggle to process and internally acknowledge what happened as real and not our fault really hit me. 💖✊️

[@nanibgalthelinguophile]

Adding a comment, though the video speaks for itself. Can’t articulate my feelings well right now. Thank you, and wishing you and everyone who needs it peace and healing

[@sontaranmc2109]

I have a very particular relationship with whisper networks as an autistic trans woman. When I was still in school and first started coming out as gay to my friends, one of them decided to feed my name to the whisper network as a creep. For not wanting to date women. But it scared me enough to push me back into the closet, and I was only able to actually escape those rumors by properly coming out years later. In hindsight, I was particularly vulnerable to this as an autistic kid. I was already bullied, after all-and people are a lot more likely to believe the weird loner they already dislike is a creep, compared to the more normal acting guys who are close at hand. Now that I’m transitioning, though, it’s created this weird tension surrounding whisper networks for me, where I only ever hear about things after the fact. I’ve gone from the gender that gets whispered about, and had that weaponized against me, to the gender that supposedly is meant to receive the whispers. But I’m still very specifically left out of most of these networks. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trans or autistic, or if it’s legitimate lack of trust or just social punishment for my weirdo status. Regardless, though… it just feels mean and catty. All this to say, I appreciate you talking about the issues with whisper networks along with the virtues. Despite my misgivings, I at least understand *why* they exist. It just frustrates me when I see people glorify them as *good, actually*, as somebody who’s experienced what it’s like to have them weaponized against me. There’s no due process or fact checking there, and there’s a reason for that, but that doesn’t make it not dangerous.

[@plaza3825]

I don't know how I can go dating in this world

[@cornettotrilogyenjoyer]

really grateful for your work and perspective on this platform

[@popejaimie]

Omg why do i feel so bad for the crochet/hiking poly guy in particular lol

[@EmJaybird]

I am not part of any whisper network, but my ex boyfriend actually called me after we both moved to the capital (separately). He met some guys at his new work that added him to a secret facebook group. In there, men would post videos of them "waking up" one night stands by giving their face a surprise (guessing my comment wont go through if i type out what they did) and he just wanted to warn me. This group was huge, and there were hundreds of posts and videos. I'd never heard of something so disgusting before at the time.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

This sounds like an investigative reporting piece I'll be reading in a couple years in Mother Jones or the New Yorker.

[@zljmbo]

hard subject but thank you for taking about it and sharing your personal story hoots. I was in my mid 20s when I realized that practically every women around me, including me, experienced some form of sexual violence. i had a roommate once, that after returning back from her date and describing what happened I was horrified about her "BDSM experience" and my first questions was "what was the safe word? did you talk about this beforehand?" and then informing her that what she had was not BDSM play just abuse from some rich famous asshole that she found in a dating app

[@aidenmiles2027]

Incredibly well done video! Also, it takes a lot of strength to share personal experiences like that, I'm glad you're in a better spot now

[@nathanrohde3440]

What does it say about life when the haunted look of someone who has experienced severe trauma is familiar thing?

[@hamlettohamilton350]

Thank you so much for this. I'm so sorry for what you went through. Just many thanks.

[@DoorsInTheLabyrinth]

very powerful piece. Thank you for sharing your experiences, and I'm sorry that you had anything to share. this seems a trivial point after your last segment, but your comments on hypervigilance reminded me of some experiences I have had online. I listen to a lot of weird music, and some of it attracts some pretty horrible people. Some of it is, by intent, shrouded in mystery and ambiguity, so when you discover a band you like, it's hard to do the vetting to know if the creators are fascists, racists, bigots, r*pists, etc. Similar groups have formed with people doing the research, sharing social media and interview clips, and it's overall good. Over the years, I've gotten good at spotting n*zis, but no one is perfect at it, and the group has helped me identify some awful people before getting too invested in their art, and also helped clear the air about those that seemed a little suspicious. But the same thing you describe happens there, people getting hung up on tiny details, almost looking for an excuse to dismiss someone as a fascist, or a predator, and that doesn't seem helpful or healthy. Anyway, once again, thank you for the video, it was very well done

[@_zeoliamusic]

As a nonbinary person in a college town that I know has one of these pages, the cis exclusivity of the page makes me mad and sad. Vulnerability isn’t exclusive to white straight women. Minority women and non-women of various intersectionalities deserve the opportunity for access to information that can keep them and their loved ones safe. I understand the gatekeeping, and yet I’m still hurt by it. A month ago, my karaoke friends and I discovered that a regular was on the state registry as an offender of a minor. I know he was shared to one of these Same Guy groups. I’m glad he was. But the number of people he could come into contact with that *don’t* have access to that information, scares me. Yes, he can be searched on the state registry - if you know his full name and the fact that he misspells his name to keep people from finding out.

[@PillarofGarbage]

Brilliant & powerful video - well done and thank you.

[@antonpreacher2900]

What powerful work. Thank you for making this. You deserve all the praises in the world.

[@qiae]

I am honwstly somewhat baffled (being some flavour of aro and ace both, who has only once ever really poked into dating app stuff, so doesnt have experience with any of this), by the approach used around exclusivity, because i understood a long time ago that abusers watch for the people who are left out of social groups and are particularly likely to target outcasts of any form. I know i am saying this without having a solution to how to maintain exclusivity, but this seems like a really glaring problem to me and leaves me deeply concerned that the current systems and ones that have been used in recent history, have just been funneling people who dont fit in well into situations of being consistent targets of abusers.

[@jetsninja]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel like I've witnessed the same paranoia in other groups that aren't strictly whisper networks, but end up being sort of advice hubs.

[@picahudsoniaunflocked5426]

Probably says a lot about how lonely & lost many of us are.

[@lsiddal3742]

Thank you for making this - wishing you so much love and strength ❤

[@sorcery861]

People should see this