A Man's Guide To: Anxious Attachment

[@a-pq4xj]

For someone with an anxious attachment style, being in a relationship with an avoidant partner, especially after the infatuation phase, can be emotionally draining and even traumatizing. It’s much easier for an anxious person to be in a relationship with another anxious partner, and ideally with someone who is secure. An anxious person has a much better chance of becoming secure, whereas avoidants are far less likely to change. It’s just the way things are. If you're anxious and involved with an avoidant, focus on improving yourself. I know your empathy might drive you to sacrifice yourself to help the avoidant, but this will only lead to further emotional exhaustion.

[@jm7514]

I agree … ish. Thought I was fearful avoidant- turns out I am anxious with high issues in trust and abandonment. He spent overt time with his female bestie, talked about her non stop, k ew where she and her husband were constantly. A lot my fault- I didn’t mention it until it ended- and some his. Thing is, I just don’t want to waste my time, if he is just waiting for her husband who is older and sick, to die. A fact he admitted after we broke up. Still is very painful tho- first love of my life and I’m 50. We are both anxious.

[@deathwingthecorrupted9374]

man u just ruined my day :D

[@thedanielagboola]

Lol this is crap, they are both equally likely to change

[@boooootch]

@@thedanielagboolaDo your homework, my friend. He’s dead on correct.

[@c0rkum]

@@thedanielagboolaYes with the right partner and circumstances they can both change

[@LitBroBeats]

Holy shit. I feel you called me out with all of this. Holy shit. Wow. I’m literally outsourcing my inner authority for risk management onto my partner. Holy shit. Thank you for this.

[@paradoxes1272]

I had to pause the video and take a second because the realizations that were being placed on me. I had no idea I was like this.

[@chriscross4004]

Either it's holy or it's shit.

[@aanrsshnsn]

Right?! And we sell it to ourselves and partners that it’s “communicating” or being a “team player”.

[@aanrsshnsn]

@@paradoxes1272isn’t it wild?! We’re about to change our generational history

[@ItsmeeTiTi]

@@chriscross4004 😂

[@jonathantolley9632]

I’m only 22 minutes into this video and I have NEVER in this world had someone describe my childhood so accurately. I want this fixed so bad because this attachment style is driving me crazy.

[@v9b23j]

Dr. K, a psychiatrist explained, “Anxiously attached people use other people as forms of emotional regulation. 'How do I evoke the right response from this person so I can feel secure?' 'If I feel bad in here, someone can come and fix it'”. He added, "they are so caught up in their own internal space, that they have difficulty attending to the needs of others”.

[@saqlaq96]

Do you know the title of that video?

[@v9b23j]

@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K’s Trauma Guide which you can purchase from his website for 30 USD. He also has educational videos on attachment style and relationships. kzbin.info/www/bejne/mJCrYYlnYtCEmKcfeature=shared kzbin.info/www/bejne/oJKQmZ-eqbeIbbMfeature=shared

[@terrycraig6386]

Anxious Attached people are very self- focused.Focused only on soothing their own an iety by using others to do so.right on.

[@v9b23j]

@@saqlaq96 It's from Dr. K's trauma guide. You can purchase them from his website. He also has videos on Anxious attachment style on his KZbin channel, Healthy Gamer.

[@S3verance]

​@@terrycraig6386as an anxiously attracted person, I can confirm feeling this way. Needing someone else to slow down my thoughts.

[@SR-hf3hx]

I met my female coworker a year ago. I don't always get anxious or attached to everyone. It's happened twice in my life. I started to like her after some talking and a couple times hanging out. Last few weeks have been hard. But I want to give everyone hope, I've improved and so can you. No wild texts, proper boundaries/behaviors when she doesn't respond as quickly. Learning to separate and acknowledge what I feel for her vs true reality. She may not reciprocate feelings, she herself isn't healed, but it's great because I'm learning how to go super slow despite the anxiety and the crushing intrusive thoughts. I normally would have thought she's my soulmate, now I just think she has to potential to be a special person that I like. We can all do this , just do your best to slow down

[@zillurziyam9820]

I wish I could be like you. I met someone who I loved instantly. We had a month free of bliss and pure joy. Now entering our second month I cannot eat or sleep because I assume she no longer likes me to due changes in her behaviour. She went from I love you to maybe we should take things slow. I don’t know what to do with myself and it hurts so much.

[@SR-hf3hx]

@@zillurziyam9820 I make sure I eat even now when I'm nervous...when I get up to pee and lay there and think of her I fall back asleep...you must live for you and your purpose....the more nutty you get the further you're gonna push her away....focus on any hobby you have, other women, friends, work. You don't wanna lose her and you're gonna if you push too hard

[@SR-hf3hx]

@@zillurziyam9820 and the craziest part of it is I've only had this happen with 2 women in my life, now and my ex who I spent years with. Out of 100s I've met 2! I've had better looking , more successfully, kinder all that. But my point is we can't help who we feel for , but we can control how we behave , don't beat yourself up it's not your fault, go easy with yourself

[@DonRoyalX]

@@zillurziyam9820​​⁠same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can tie a woman like that down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or a simpson, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone. I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so dumb reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety. I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my fair share of casual flings and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention. I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early, and started to scare her off. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I. My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love. Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect. Good luck brother 🫡

[@DonRoyalX]

@@zillurziyam9820​​⁠same here man. I met this girl a few months ago, she’s from another country and here to work and later study so I thought to hell with it she’s so interesting and sweet that I’ll just be her friend and show her my home city, I want her to feel welcome. We experienced some funny/extra situations together, out of the ordinary kind of stuff, I took her out a lot and our hang outs started becoming real sweet dates. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and she randomly grabbed me and kissed me. Never tasted lips like hers. Over this weekend we ended up doing the deed, night then morning. It went great. Thing is she was clear that she’s travelling and not looking for something serious, and I reciprocated, I said sure thing, not like I can a tie someone like her down. I’m happy for good experiences with good people where I can get them. But she just seems so off now with communicating, the longest most engaging texts has just turned into a few sentences a day, even a couple weeks before the weekend. Which whatever I just give her the time, she has her own life. But I find myself just so anxious for her replies, or even a conversation starter. She used to call me all sorts of nicknames in her language, now it’s either nothing or just my first name. Like wtf haha. I keep imagining the next text is gonna be “the bad one”. I’m hating myself over it, I feel like such a dweeb dude. I keep thinking, maybe I’ve been too nice to her, maybe not kissing her first has put her off (she’s from another country, I really didn’t want to shove things onto her…), maybe I’ve just given her the ick in some irreparable way. I’m not super nice or the S word, I’m a relaxed dude who seemingly gave her a really fun time, obviously she was attracted enough to want to “you know”. And NOW I’m like trying to strategise how naturally I talk to her. Which is so anxiety inducing to me, I just like to be clear and chill about the time I spend with someone. I have no idea if I’m thinking too much, or if she really isn’t into me, which if she isn’t then sheesh I don’t wanna keep talking you know? I’d rather just move on. Not be reduced to “a friend”, after all this. So I’m just leaving her alone, responding late to her too, so she’s got all the space in the world. I feel so foolish reducing myself to this psychotic worry and anxiety. I just really, really like this woman. I haven’t met anyone like her in a decade. And I’ve had my very fair share of casual and serious relationships in that time. I know it’ll end eventually, I’m okay with it. But so soon and so suddenly? It makes me feel yuck, like I’m not even deserving of her momentary attention. I feel I became too attached. She noticed that. I showed my hand too early. Hard to come back from that. So I’m realising that I really just need to not care where it goes. Yeah, I feel on cloud 9 around her, and I notice her smell everywhere I go. But that doesn’t make me who I am. I’m an entire man outside of this shi, my focus needs to be on me, myself and I. My childhood was neglectful, I was made to feel so ashamed as a kid. So when someone makes me feel appreciated, even loved, the inner child in me screams, and I return that feeling with gusto. I need to switch that feedback to feeding myself with love, and then responding to it with even more love. Why care about how some fleeting human makes me feel. I’m the only human I’ll ever truly know, and spend literally 24/7 with. That’s whose opinion I need to respect. Good luck brother 🫡

[@PhilipTheHunter]

Great video! This was an eyeopener: "You learned to outsource your sense of safety and regulation to someone else" I just got out of a realionship with an avoidant partner who's processing a trauma from childhood and she fed my anxiety by telling me she was not OK, I wasn't constantly checking on her, she was constantly on a emotional rollercoaster so she could be feeling down during the day and then show up all smiles, drove me mental.

[@Sean-nh6cv]

Been there my dude. Rough situation to be in. I hope You're doing better as I'm reading this as this was posted a month ago. I got out of a bad one myself that triggered the hell out of me and now it seems I've found someone more secure so I think there's hope.

[@marwanbasil6890]

​@@Sean-nh6cv i have a question if you dont mind. When you say hope, what do you mean exactly? Isn't the goal for men like us to abandon such notions and start getting that validation from within, instead of seeking it from our partners?

[@thespaniard977]

​@marwanbasil6890 yes they still got alot to learn ha and the solution is never to give up but to learn and if it doesn't work after giving it your all you atleast come out better.

[@oozwal]

@PhilipTheHunter Lol, same here.

[@SA8N]

As someone who was raised to be strong and a macho alpha male, seeking help now to finally figure out why Im the anxious one in all relationships. I thought I was just being super romantic and caring, but damn was I wrong! Good stuff here!

[@beefydeadeye]

Takes guts to admit. I also have believed I have to be strong and do boxing etc. but have only just realised how needy I am in relationships , ridiculous and I feel pathetic.

[@ImTryingOk91]

I feel the same way man. I thought I was caring, and found out I was just annoying haha

[@ImTryingOk91]

@@beefydeadeyeI feel the same way bud

[@hearme4581]

I’m a woman and this hit spot on, my mother did 90% of this. And I have anxious attachment.

[@Ghanem-02]

I'm a 29 years old guy. My parents were a mess. It was horrible life. Then my father divorced my mother and thrown us outside. No money no salary nothing. I had 5 siblings at that time they were between 8-17 and i was 19 yes old. I had to give up on college and my teenage life and all dreams and work full time and sometimes 2 jobs just to be able to shelter them and feed them. Now i'm 29 all of them are working and in better life and i'm happy for all we went through to be better in this life. But this thing destroyed me from inside. I'm anxious and depressed i don't know how to talk or approach anyone even girls i like and btw i'm very handsome man. And the bigger issue is when i find a girl i destroy things with my anxious attachment issues. I hope one day i will move on from this stage and find my partner. Keep talking about this your videos does help.

[@thespaniard977]

Gi to therapy my dude you have to start there.

[@HANZELVANDERLAAY]

All I hear is that it's your fault...there is a very good chance...most people...woman especially..are rude... disinterested.... narcissist...I used to blame a lot on childhood trauma...and being a people pleaser...but listen to me..most .woman. .say 95 percent..unless your in the country...are useless..and even cruel towards men

[@nataliaobrien1393]

I'm so sorry that you had such a tough life. You showed yourself amazingly, you can be proud of yourself 👏 I'd love to help you heal your traumas. Would you like to try a therapy session?

[@DonnaGibbs-b6o]

You overcame great problems and figured out how to survive and overcome great adversity. Plus, you took on the father role and it made you grow up fast. You can learn how to not be anxiously attached. To every problem there is a solution.

[@Scott_Buchanan]

You sound like a great man, you did what you had to do to take care of your siblings. That takes guts and a character, now is the time to process all of that and work through it. You didn’t deserve that but it is your responsibility to take care of you now.

[@spacenavis]

I fucking cried watching this. Thank you for uploading this. I want to just let everyone know that we can be more secure people! We can be the man we want to be for ourselves. Dont beat yourself over the past. Lets all grow

[@Dauphb50]

This is one of the best KZbin videos I’ve ever seen. Bravo

[@GodHelpMe369]

MY SOUL SILENTLY WAILS

[@rupert5066]

The more of your comments I see, the more I empathize with you. My brother. May you seek mercy in Christ

[@Jesse-qk1uy]

Patience is always a virtue and more so nowadays when external validation via internet/social media exacerbates the internal wound.

[@joelwicken1905]

This video has shown me ways about myself I never realized. It has allowed me to break up with my avoidant ex. I've always been dumped and always morph who I was for someone to be with me. It has allowed me to appreciate and love myself

[@HussainElius-t5k]

You don't have enough views and likes. Having lived with anxious attached persons, this hits very close to home.

[@kc3077tt]

I’m 60 and just realized that I am an anxiously attached person. I also just realized that it must’ve developed as a child. In listening to your video, I’m sure that it did develop in childhood because I had a very abusive father not sexually. After my long marriage failed I’ve once again started dating. I have sabotaged each one of those relationships. I have just recently met a new man. I do not want to sabotage this or any other relationship that I may have. At least I’m aware of why I do what I do and I’m glad that this new man hasn’t had the opportunity to see the side of me. I really want to stop this behavior and heal.

[@NoahMann-pb3hm]

It’s never to late I’m proud of you and you can do it!! Be honest with yourself and your partner many blessings on your healing journey

[@Scott_Buchanan]

I’m 40 and only a few years ago realized that I’m avoidant attachment. My marriage fell apart 4 years ago and I’ve sabotaged several relationships after that. I decided to stop getting into relationships until I fix myself, or I’ve totally given up and I haven’t came to terms with that yet 😂 anywho, you sound like a good person and I hope the best for you ❤️

[@Sactown-916-Norcal]

Bummer

[@runawaytrains13]

Really looking forward to the Avoidant & Anxious relationship dance episode!

[@GodHelpMe369]

If you haven't heard today... You are so very loved and you are so very worthy of love. The hardest part is learning to love yourself and to know: it's not all your fault, and to see: that you're beautiful; wonderfully perfectly brilliantly created. You're stronger than most; a true leader/warrior in the making. Keep going and keep thanking. Remember Jesus was an outcast and he suffered more than any human being could ever endure... And the most important message here is to forgive them and to forgive yourself and to love all. Keep walking in truth. One of the great poems of the Zen tradition ends with this description of the awakened state: “To be without suffering over imperfection(s).” AFFIRMATIVE PRAYER: I am one with the Divine. I experience, peace, BLISS, love, and joy: CONSTANTLY AND CONSISTENTLY. I experience everything as grace AND AS LOVE. I am at peace. I honor the Divine within me.

[@luisfonseca3161]

thx you so mutch!

[@natasiruet8739]

Thank you brother, I hope that everything is going well!

[@eleewilsonjrcosmosart]

I have probably listened to this video a dozen times, especially the last part, where there are strategies for dealing with anxious attachment. I am on the autism spectrum (ASD level 1), and I live with anxiety every day as a result of trying to mask in order to blend in with society. My relationships are typically doomed to failure because of my anxious attachment. I’m just now getting over the most recent one, and I am damned and determined not to repeat this cycle. Thank you for this video! I believe it will help me do that.

[@natasiruet8739]

You can do it dude!

[@Micromanep]

My mom was all the above examples. Loving to screaming, inconsistency in that love, freaking out about any potential dangers, telling me all details about her sex life and trauma history, exploding into my room whenever she wants at any hour of day or night, waking me up with screams of anger or sobs, hated boundaries (I didn’t even have any until I left for college), guilt tripping, blaming me for her depression and health issues, and is deeply anxious and emotionally dependent on me as her therapist and relationship counselor with my mentally checked-out father. Deep down I know she is so so terribly broken. It’s truly amazing that I have turned out as well as I have, but it explains the hell I’m left to face inside of me. The crazy thing is, I don’t even feel like it was all that bad, but anytime I’ve ever shared details about these challenges of my childhood I’ve gotten deeply concerned looks back. Friends have told me they feel stupid for thinking their childhoods were bad compared to mine. But I still think I had it pretty good, all things considered. Maybe it’s not so black and white. Or maybe the delusion I’ve been living goes deeper than I have realized. All I know is that it’s up to me to correct my thinking and fix my mind. My relationship with God has carried me so much farther than I could have gone on my own. I hope that anyone reading this knows that the love of Christ Jesus is truly all you need when it comes to filling up that pit inside of you. His love is Perfect and unchanging. It’s THE antidote to the hell you’ve gone through in your childhood. Turn to God with humility and openness and you will see what I mean. God bless.

[@chrismosses3248]

I've benefitted so much from exploring the attachment model - However, I feel that while it's a good template for potential issues, and I relate to so many of them, it's never going to be the case individuals relate to all of them - I think these things, much like a diagnosis, need to factor in a spectrum of severity, the context of when the behaviours are present on an individual basis, and a lot of nuance.

[@jsigversion1]

The helicopter parenting i think nailed it for me. Every other video I've seen really stresses "inconsistency" and I didn't really feel like that resonated with me. This hit home big time. Appreciate your work, thank you.

[@Scott_Buchanan]

If you’re like me you had one parent who was volatile, then the other parent did way too much as a way to “fix” things. My dad destroyed my confidence and never spent time with me (without yelling) and my mom tried to do everything for me, I never really grew up. Now I’m 40, divorced and trying to become a confident man. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done, I have my days where I wanna give up.

[@jsigversion1]

@@Scott_Buchanan my father was more absent than volatile, but other than that, same... also 40 and still trying to figure out how to find and sustain a healthy relationship.

[@danielhowell9907]

Dude I needed this I’m so glad there’s a guy out there doing this from his perspective because for the longest time I thought I was alone

[@Breezy8a]

I hope you're feeling better.

[@dannycolwell8028]

I am an EXTREMELY anxious attacher. Like, even when a person is present, showing effort, being sweet and kind. I still get so anxious I can’t eat or take care of myself.

[@SuperSeeck]

I used to be this way. Building my life around being with more people and having a routine helped me. I am still anxious, but I am trying to work through it. Good luck man!

[@dannycolwell8028]

@@SuperSeeck thank you. Can I ask, what is your routine?

[@mimixis]

Honestly, it does simply depend a LOTTT on your partner. I used to be incredibly anxious and needy while dating around but once I met my girlfriend who simply feels exactly like me and makes none of her feelings arbitrary, I feel like the most secure person in the world… trust me, sometimes it just takes the right key to get there;)

[@mintpepper6690]

Thank you Connor for so precisely describing my childhood. 😭 My parents were fighting all the time and as an eldest child, I felt obliged to stop or interfere to their fight to save my family from collapsing. I have an anxious attachment and used to think it's my fault, but I'm learning to prioritize my needs/wants which is a totally new way of life!

[@danielhowell9907]

Would love another video on downregulating the body and more in depth discussion about developing secure attachment. Fantastic video tho I’ve watched it multiple times

[@c0rkum]

I love learning about people(including myself)

[@nightpanther007]

I feel very seen and validated 😂. Thank you for this. Now I can begin to really heal. I'm a female struggling with my self worth. Mom was always there, loving and supportive. Father was absent and a gambler but still the who are you with, where you going, Snooping through stuff. Im married to an avoidant and we have a child. Y'all this really is a struggle with the internal self. I have one journal I just write the same sentences over until I believe them: I am good enough. I am beautiful. I am worthy. I'm okay. Since starting this my doctor says my severe depression is in remission. 😊 Also gratitude journal. Its the little things that make my day. Going back to that one. My coworkers have nicknamed me Sunshine. I think I'm turning this thing around little by little. I wish y'all the best. We are not alone. For the extra hard days just remember, you've survived all your worst days so far.

[@CotyandJane]

I'm 37 years old and always had the mindset that I'm my own person.. I make my own decisions.. etc. But damn you hit the nail on the head with the dynamics between myself and my parents growing up and reflecting on "who I am" today... I'm having transcending revelations. Damn.

[@jordangallant7482]

Most important video I have watched.

[@ssmart-tv1455]

This is so spot on on me, it's like you're explaining my upbringing! Im 49 and just learning about this now! This explains so so much about my behaviour!

[@Hallel-cohen]

There's not enough gratitude in the world to thank you. So I'll start with one, thanks.

[@ManTalks]

Thanks so much for tuning in and for the gratitude. It's received and appreciated.

[@manuko000]

I felt so better and capable after watching this

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

This is my attachment. I was wired to be this way since childhood, being the eldest I was told to be the one responsible for my siblings because my parents are both medical professionals. I was taught to tend to "others need first" than my own because its my task, and I have to do well so everything runs smooth. I have to provide for my siblings know they are okay then im okay too. I have to make sure everything is going according to plans. my sense of my ok is conditioned..im on therapy

[@NarcFreedom]

Oh man, this hits home! Wild. My parents were on different shifts and schedules so they were never in the same place for us at the same time. Behaviorally they were both extremely anxious and hypervigilant of everything, everything was dangerous, everything had to be perfect, and they did this for everyone and everything. One parent’s career led to a lot of this as they were the risk officer in the hospital. LOL. Everything that went wrong ended up being their responsibility to prevent or fix. Of course all this impacted my sibling and I. We HAVE to be in control, the caretaker, the fixers. Now, in a relationship with a broken narcissistic person, I am the caretaker and fixer. It’s not a good mix. They know all of my triggers and they just don’t care.

[@surgeonvicryl4872]

@@NarcFreedom I agree with you. Your relationship is challenging, I hope you find your peace and strength. In my case, I was discarded abruptly by an FA. Im doing much better alone now :) working on myself

[@SirBLM]

I started out disorganized (BPD mom) and fixed the anxious side by working on myself. Now I'm avoidant as hell. I loved your video on that and I'm working on that next but would love to hear your take on specific challenges for those of us who have both.

[@zipppiz]

Just sending some love and gratitude to you for all your great content! I will watch this now and start working with myself 🙏☀️

[@amyaubuchon2199]

Thank you! I had no idea how anxious i was and how much it affected my partner. Everything you said was correct.

[@tabsonly6267]

I really appreciate your video on this subject as an anxious person. This video was a very clear and helpful guideline to this issue Plaguing my relationships.thank u

[@YuYuHakupoo]

Omg!! My therapist told me I was anxious attachment the other day without going into any detail. So I found myself to this video and wow. You just described my entire life and all of the issues I’ve been dealing with in more clarity than I’ve ever heard or thought possible. So so so many puzzle pieces have just fallen into place. This was absolutely groundbreaking. I thought my situation was so unique and my problems were so confusing. None of it made any sense. I felt like my brain was a mess of contradictions. But this is 1000% it.

[@MartinSmith-bn7vx]

I needed this video for my mental health

[@nilspernermarklagunoff6563]

ty for this. I feel like you know me better than i know myself. You are describing my childhood.

[@koroshiya_1]

I journaled about my childhood earlier and broke down crying. It felt good. Thank you for this healing video and suggestions. ❤

[@Scott_Buchanan]

I need to do more of that, I’ve had a good bit of therapy in the last 4 years but I didn’t like writing stuff down. I’ve had a few breakthroughs when I did though.

[@likearollingstone007]

This is such a valuable series

[@aosborn2]

Thank you so much for including trauma and abuse as a potential origin. So often information about attachment styles only talks about childhood origins, but I was secure before intimate partner abuse.

[@SR-hf3hx]

I had mild.anxiety as a kid when I got kicked out of school. So I looked back and realized my sibling doesn't have it and I was ok forever otherwise. My intimate partner in my early 20s, my first "love" was extremely damaged and abusive mentally . I never got anxious til I met her, and I haven't for almost 15 years until recently . It's crazy you mention that it's a partner that could spur it on

[@x3preciousx3]

I wasn't planning on crying and healing tonight. Things make sense for sure

[@HustleHabit]

Thank you. You've added some extra layers to my understanding on this.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

This is my first time running across your page and I'm definitely subscribing. I am not an anxious attachment, but I am a healed fearful avoidant so I understand the anxious part. Fortunately I did the work. The difference with me is while I felt anxious at times, I knew not to display anxious energy around others because those are my feelings and emotions to handle. We need more people like you to help anxious types. There are coaches who spit fire at avoidants and tell anyone anxious there's nothing wrong with them which in turn causes them to take zero accountability. You are very honest and fair and I appreciate it. I hope more people find your channel.

[@v9b23j]

I agree. I think those coaches and "self-styled experts on attachment style" are most likely anxious themselves ...

[@RivyO]

Connor you have helped me so much. I’m a woman but the way you explain these things is super digestible and has given me actionable steps to help myself with this. I appreciate you

[@Forevrla]

I feel the exact same way! I’m so appreciative of this channel 🙏🏽

[@fatimahalzain4700]

I agree

[@matteo7306]

I swear. I really waterbed a lot of self improvement videos but damn this one is gold pure content that saves life/time/energy. Thanks for this. I’m glad that there are human like you.

[@eriknayan]

I cannot express how much I appreciate your content. It really opened my eyes for a lot of things that even my therapist could not point out. Thanks man!

[@farawayranger8489]

I feel like you know me without knowing me. This video shed a light on my past and upbringing. Here’s hoping anyone else in the same situation can heal.

[@Chris-ln6so]

This is an excellent video. I have no doubt that I suffer from anxious attachment but the rationalisation of ‘it comes from lack of attention and love from parents’ has never rang true for me. I had and have very loving parents but you hit the nail on the head here in the inconsistency of parenting, the unpredictability of emotions, the intrusiveness and having to take on a role a child should ideally not. That was often my experience.

[@freethink2303]

Damn, dude. I've been reading about anxious attached folks and seeing similarities with myself and my past relationships. I didn't think my parents were like this, but you listed out several things that really resonated with my upbringing. My mind is blown.

[@bdtrap]

Yeah dood. You are doing the right thing, thinking about this in the context of yourself. I was a mostly-secure attachment style into my late 30s (judging my the evaluation exams etc) when I met a chick I dated for more than 5 years. We finally went no contact (one of us was gonna unalive the other, the only tossup was who on which day). I searched the interwebs and spoke with live humans about wtf went wrong, I stumbled over attachment styles and really started digging into them. She was 192% avoidant by any measure. When I did the evals based on different time slices, she was off the charts since month 1 but i became more and more anxious over time. All of my previous relationships (again, doing the evals over snapshots in time)I was "secure attached" but with her as time went on I became anxiously attached. The changes can happen, good and bad. It took me nearly 6 months but I came back to a secure attachment style. I dated a chick last year, realized it wasn't going to work, broke up amicably about 20 minutes later, and are still on speaking terms today. If you think you might be there, it is possible to turn things around. Anxious attachment styles might be from earlier in life, or they can sneak up on us. But we can chanhe them. Good on you for hearing/seeing yourself in some of these discussions. That made a lot of difference for me, and I am happy as a pig in sh*t today 🙂 Good luck to you, brother.

[@BarbaraBigos-m1p]

As a woman who listens to the podcast, I love that there is a space like this for men. Connor, you're amazing, so thank you. Tremendous amount of insight in these videos for everyone, both male and female.

[@abdelmounaimkrimi6056]

This is really amazing. I can't thank you enough for the priceless information you shared. Thank you a million times for everything. I appreciate if you can bring a series about doctor Jeffery young about lifetraps.

[@TheLastEgg08]

This might’ve been the best video I’ve watched about the anxious attachment style. A lot of points I didn’t work on and that were rarely mentioned by other content creators.

[@shufflewing]

Potentially life-changing information! Thank you, thank you. Xx

[@ManTalks]

Thanks for digging in.

[@Photik]

Was just exploring attachment styles yesterday, so this is perfect timing. Also just picked up your book via Audible. Great listen so far.

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding, thanks for grabbing a copy and hope it serves you.

[@Eyedocsri]

This is was 40mins therapy session.. wonderful 😊👍

[@Cre8Fire34]

Please - more downregulating techniques. I only am anxious re: my DA girlfriend of 2 years. I need to reclaim my mind and body - my mind goes CRAZY analyzing her endless moods, pull aways, gaslighting, flaw finding. I've gone no-contact for the last ten-12 days. I don't feel we should talk unless we: have a therapist - or we get some COACHING about communicating.

[@AccordingToWillow]

if you were secure before her i don’t you would have gotten to this point

[@bmbmw69]

You need to leave her. She is manipulating you.

[@Breezy8a]

I wish you all the best, that's a tough situation.

[@boohoo1991]

Today is my Birthday & everything you said in this video has resonated. Thank you for giving me a gift even though we don't know each other. I thank you from my Heart 🧡💛

[@ManTalks]

Beauty! Thanks for taking the time to watch today

[@boohoo1991]

@@ManTalks Pleasure is mine.

[@nnylasoR]

I just got done watching [ending avoidant attachment] and I SO appreciate what you poured into it. Invaluable info *for* and for better relating *to* my husband. Just pressed play and looking forward to enlightening both of us about *myself* with this one.

[@LouiseAnna-nt9ql]

This video is so well written and easy to digest. Thank you so much

[@hjalmarlindstrom977]

Been journaling on the topic of how my childhood was unpredictable while having the video playing in the background so I'm gonna have to revisit it at some point but thank you, man ❤

[@brendanhunter7356]

This was so nice to listen to. My anxiousness has effected my relationship and I really needed some help getting started on what to work with a therapist on. I really pushed my validation and worth on my wife and I would feel neglected when she couldn't give it to me. So I shut down and tried to not bother her. I dont want to be that person anymore. I want to be someone she deserves, desires, and sees a future with.

[@brendanhunter7356]

So I am on a journey to love myself and begin making a life I love and find value in.

[@nichop100]

I've just been introduced to your channel by a friend and, wow, this is absolutely spot on. I've read a lot about attachment theory and know this is my type, and what makes the difference is your simple, practical steps to tackling it. Thank you!

[@sb75ification]

So glad I found a man’s view of this topic. Thank you!

[@HersheyHurricane-v3f]

Every help video on this topic suggests a challenging childhood of some sorts. I had a fantastic childhood but still struggle. Lots of wasted time listening to this videos searching for any ounce of relatability lol.

[@azoz158]

Sometimes the mind hides stuff to not hurt itself. These moments can come out when you meditate and you "unlock" something

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@azoz158 I agree. There was stored trauma I had locked up in the back of my head for years. It doesn't even have to be super traumatic. It can be as simple as going to daycare or elementary school as a little one and feeling abandoned. You didn't know you felt that way, but can't really explain the tears or uncomfortable feeling when you were separated from your parents. There are so many micro-incidents that happen throughout life that we never thought much of until doing the work on ourselves and then it's like a million epiphanies happen simultaneously or even at different times.

[@PeanutGallery4Us]

I have been dealing with this my entire life and it has ruined relationships. I want to heal.

[@superspartanman4480]

Same here

[@Yourfriend22200]

I'm 30 and I found your words fit exactly to me!! Love from India!! Thank you!! 🙏 I will work on myself now

[@markwottny9780]

I was eating this information whole. You can’t imagine how much I needed to hear all that! Thank you for that lecture. That’s a huge insight for me

[@TristanW1111]

Thank you so much for posting this video, I had some really big realizations throughout it. I wasn’t aware I have a lot of these triggers and traits, thank you for giving me some direction and research material.

[@RyanBooker79]

Great video Connor! Thank you for the detailed and clear explanation. I feel I got more out of this video than I have out of 3 months of therapy.

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding! Love hearing that. Thanks for watching

[@AstroSquid]

This might be the best descriptions of anxious attachment I've heard. It makes more sense to me that any other video I've found on YT.

[@mattpaige5958]

Man!!! Thank you for this content. I just recently heard about healthy/unhealthy attachment styles and this stuff here is so encouraging.

[@StevenWilliams66]

Thanks man, love this

[@Breathe-slowly]

That was concise and helpful

[@harikrishnanv5142]

you literally read my mind . i have been watching the entire KZbin an your video very much related to me in simple language

[@ManTalks]

Glad it was helpful, appreciate you tuning in and hope the rest of the content supports you

[@mikesandando1656]

Great video mate, crazy how most people don't understand why they behave in a curtain way, not knowing it's something that is likely due to their upbringing. I think I might have just lost someone that I really liked due to my anxious attachment, and for a moment, I was upset with them for leaving, but now I understand. Just glad I get to heal from this and grow. Maybe in another life I'll get to have her. Great video once more 🍻🍻

[@al3xownsu]

Wow, your a legend. Thank you so much, this might of just changed my life.

[@n3rd66]

I only found out this year that I'm anxiously attached (I'm 58) and in a ten year "situationship" with an avoidant. She's distanced from me four times but always comes back. Every time I thought it was over and grieved terribly. But now at least I know how to not feed the chase-run dance and make the cycle repeat. I've changed my behavior but in the back of my my mind I'm worried that my other half does not want to learn about all this, let alone actually talk about it and make plans to improve the situation. It's stressful but at least I'm not confused about what's going on.

[@gerry3RS]

It’s good to finally understand this about myself or I would’ve been stuck in this cycle forever. I just wish I learned this before absolutely embarrassing myself by acting like a jealous insecure idiot the other day. Anyway if that never happened I would’ve never felt the need to look this stuff up. I always thought I was mature and kinda secure but this has been very eye opening.

[@nataliaobrien1393]

I just love your videos, even tho I'm a woman. The recommendations you give are very helpful for both me and my husband, we are grateful🙏🏼

[@williamervin1001]

I’m having a horrible time at the moment in a anxious/avoidant long distance relationship. We’re talking still just barely tho. Every damn moment seems like I’m thinking of her. Wish there was an easy way to stop. Been together 16 yrs this is not the first time. 😢

[@estefy-w3x]

This is the best knowledge I’ve found on this topic. Even after years of individual and couples therapy, hundreds of dollars spent on books and workbooks, nothings compared to this video right here. The amount of insight and the translation into practical advice is amazing. Life changing. Thank you very much. Do you have a website where you follow up on these topics or do you do counseling yourself? Again, thank you.

[@burakdag4931]

It really made me realise very key factors. Thank you very much.

[@JR-gy6ib]

This video was the most informative I have seen. Thank you!!

[@DrMuhaha]

This video blew my mind 🤯. Thank you for breaking down the topic in a way that was engaging and easy to digest. I'm realizing the inner work I have to do as an "Anxious Attachment ". This video helped put me in the right direction on how to begin to move forward. ❤

[@The_Rude_French_Canadian]

I’m independent when in the relationship, secure, never jealous. When it ends it’s always with super intense heartbreak that lasts for months…one breakup took me years to get over. I’m good-looking, smart, funny, I know my worth so there’s no reason for me to be this sad. I just broke up with a woman I suspect had BPD after 2 yrs, i loved her but couldn’t deal with the constant drama in her life, i knew it was toxic…and I still freaking have a broken heart for a month…doesn’t help she found a new dude 2 weeks after the breakup but..yeah I was 80% sure of my decision and it hurts but it shines a light on how irrational my heartaches are which is why I’m here lol

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Maybe she was a fearful avoidant? That attachment style has a lot of highs and lows. You probably hurt so much because you were trauma bonded. It can get addicting to be with someone who makes you feel great one minute and then everything is falling apart the next. You crave the good parts.

[@The_Rude_French_Canadian]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes no she’s bpd she has like 7 out of 9 traits and she was the same way with me than with her 15 yrs old daughter.

[@alexchainey9062]

Wow amazing video mate, I’m an anxious attachment and it’s really helpful.

[@Czarsgirl]

This is mind blowing. Your videos have helped me understand why I act the way I do.

[@oSenpaiii]

That was the most informative video I’ve ever watched nothing but solid and honest advice thank you for sharing this video with us

[@foodforhealthfitnesswithme6149]

This is the best teaching I have heard about anxious attachment, thanks

[@nickcsuki8123]

Best thing about outsourcing your sense of safety and regulation is that the other person is always the one to blame... 😅

[@GitzGalore]

Thank you for this man. I really needed to hear it. Have had extreme anxiety entire life didn’t really realize it until you walked me right through my own childhood. Recently been in a hole since I ended things with my latest girfriend by assuming she had broken up with me and telling her she’d left me for a week straight before realizing she wasn’t that mad at me 😂

[@francis7089]

I feel like nothing happens unless I initiate. So, I feel like I need to initiate. But I feel like I'm bothering others by initiating. So internaly I also feel pressure to not say anything. If someone gives mixed signals, I panic, and I feel like I just become overbearing.

[@UnacceptableTee]

Being with an extreme DA who means FA; he was so negative and extremely critical and you couldn’t ever meet the never ending needs. Goal posts move and you are walking on eggshells. I was secure leaning slightly anxious. Well; anxious after he was cheating and hiding addictions and lots of secrets and various betrayals. You can’t meet their never ending requests and demands.

[@salimazar1072]

I wish I had watched this before reaching 26 yo. Very informative and clearly explained. Respect !

[@tylerburt6172]

This is such a fucked condition to cope with. Love to all the men out there trying their hardest. I know I am

[@darylsaunders-cruz3303]

I would love to see you do some content that talks about the anxious avoidant relationship dynamic with the anxious partner also struggling with ADHD (inattentive), depression and anxiety. I recognize myself in the anxious type very much but also think struggling with ADHD takes it to a elevated level.