Fixing The Fearful Avoidant Attachment - A Man's Guide

[@michaelW6]

I cried so hard watching this. For ten years I’ve been looking for what’s broken in me, what’s jamming the mechanism of my mind and preventing me from being happy. But I could only ever focus on symptoms and derivative problems. Now I feel like this might be one of the roots of my suffering. Everything described in this video perfectly encapsulates my experience. Thank you a lot.

[@AnnAnn-bt1fh]

I was triggered as well. I recently came to an understanding of why I've been so sad my entire life. I confirmed with a family friend just yesterday some things I suspected with my early years, and this makes so much sense. Being an FA is like being on an emotional rollercoaster that someone is driving but I can't see the tracks or the driver - I'm just along for the chaotic ride

[@TheAnbuzabu]

Me too

[@akaraulov]

I feel you bro. What helped me was targeting anxiety first (I won’t name the drug, but there are plenty of them, and I mean prescripted of course). And after that - working with the core wound through self-education, integrative and transactional analysis. After two years of this (I lost eight before! for CBT and REBT, don’t do that) - I was able to build a strong situationship with DA girl. That’s what healed me the most

[@daniP4728]

I'm a FA woman and this is the best video I've ever watched... men, women go through the exact same stuff

[@WannibeManisha]

Please share ​@@if7363

[@WTHPOPL]

Can you reference a better video or 2? Thank you so much I'm just trying to get as much info as possible. Have a blessed day.

[@KatchPokemon]

Paulien Timmer has a ton of videos that I (M) found helpful as well

[@daker1941]

​@@KatchPokemonHeidi Priebe and Crappy Childhood Fairy if you have C-PTSD in the mix.

[@coreylawson1103]

​@@daker1941heidi priebe vids are solid gold.

[@tcggggg]

Refreshing to hear a man talk about this

[@jessd956]

Yes

[@stefaniacartapiano]

So true

[@lushlux4921]

I can’t tell you how absolutely transformational this video is going to be for me. I’ve gone to therapy for many years and I don’t feel like they scratched the surface of what you got through in just one hour. I know there’s so many others who feel similar and might not comment or say anything, but I just want you to know this is absolutely incredible and you are changing so many lives.

[@PureDivineHappiness]

I second this statement.

[@blanewilliams620]

Spot on. Therapy is great for getting stuff off my chest, but I don't feel like I'm getting to a solution. This video was extremely personal to me. It's as if I've discovered the answers to all my relationship struggle questions. Oh dear lord why couldn't I have known about this 9 years ago. I'm so encouraged and confident now to move forward. I'm not afraid.

[@annamarsch6091]

Female FA here. This is by far the best video on the topic. thank you.

[@Maerque]

Lovr the video. I can confirm from experience, meditation makes all the difference. I started healing from this about 10 years ago, and my life has changed completely for the better since then. Have to say the Wim Hof breathing didn't work for me, though. I did it consistently for about 5 months and it just added more stress hormones to the soup. I found much more benefit from gentle breathing and using meditation and Neville Goddard style visualization to change my self-concept on a deeper level. Other things that helped me personally are quitting coffee (big difference!!), almost no alcohol (wasn't a big drinker to start with), pushing myself out of my comfort zone and forgiving my parents for the abuse they inflicted. They only parented to the best of their abilities at the time and holding on to anger is only hurting me, not them. Thanks for the video!

[@TheSavro]

How do you drown out or ignore the intrusive thoughts while you are meditating? Or am I supremely screwed up and that’s just a thing with me?

[@luisdias8441]

​​@@TheSavrothoughts aren't intrusive, they're just thoughts your mind generates, namely when it's bored since the mind hates boredom. The goal in meditation is simply to notice that the mind drifted into thinking, acknowledge that it happened (but also that it's absolutely normal for it to do so) and move back to whatever it was that you're focusing on. A great meditation is not one where thoughts don't arise, but one where you notice quickly that they did and take your the mind back to intentional focus.

[@wendydaniel1110]

Excellent comment.

[@ElijahT-zw6ft]

Great video, thank you!

[@zzyyxxzzyyxx]

Saving this for the Neville Gordon recommendation, have found visualizations very powerful

[@Sinan06000]

Man for real I cried so much hearing this for real! I have just been broken up with 3 weeks ago I’ve met that incredible woman that tried to help me going through my traumas. My insecurities and anxiety destroyed the relationship she left totally depleted, the reality is that I have so much work to do in me so much personal growth, that wake up call was necessary for my wellbeing. Thank you for the work it’s truly appreciated.

[@s0me0nelse]

Don't worry man, you will always have yourself on your side, and that's a lot. Women and friends are legit goals and a nice bonus to have in life, but no matter if you have what needed for conventional relationships or not, or if you succeed to progress towards your goal in this field, you are good and enough as you are right now, don't feel bad about who you are, you survived all the shit that was thrown to you, and you did it wonderfully

[@danielvazquez5624]

Always remember to keep going 🤘🏽🙏🏽 Find your Strength in Love

[@koala01111986]

Being FA is a hell...you want relationships but then you say to yourself "I'm not made for relationships, I'm better off alone" or "I'm not one for relationships, I'm a loner" as soon as something in the relationship triggers you heavily

[@Thomas...191]

I know right, it's like a damned switch. Bi polar in an attachment style. Bi polar is obviously worse, but it does my head in.

[@gigglecompass1]

I’ve been listening to attachment videos on KZbin for a while now. You have really hit the nail on the head. Really well done.

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding. Glad to hear and thanks for tuning in. Let me know if theres other topics you'd like to hear me cover

[@alejandravillasmil6426]

Indeed🎉

[@SnehaMukhi-t9i]

​​@@ManTalkspls Make a video on fixing anxious-fearful avoidant relationship

[@zaneghiskhan]

Thank you. I wish I would have seen this when it was posted. My ex broke up with me because of the "push-pull" pattern, as she describes it. Simply understanding that I am this way and that I can heal is already helping me heal. I'm going to become the very best version of myself without being afraid of intimacy. Valerie I love you and I'm coming for you.

[@rungeon83]

Wow this hit closer to home than I ever thought, and I didn't really see myself as FA either. But I deeply want closeness with someone, but when it comes, I just assume they're lying, or there is a benefit to them for SAYING they love me, I can say out of 8 women that have told me they love me, I only ever believed one did.. While I have no proof that the others didn't, infact looking hard at it most of them I think must have, to have put up with me constantly pushing them away. Only one who used me as a rebound for 2.5 years then dumped me when I didn't pay her electric bill LOL! I've made great progress, but listening to this video has made me realise I have a long way to go still! I just wish we all had secure attachement styles, it would save so many people hurt.

[@KaimaVixen]

Hello Sir… you are a GOD SEND! I’m not a man, but your video showed up on my timeline, as I had been looking up videos on how to heal my attachment style. Everything, I mean everything, you stated in your video was not only spot on, it really articulated my lived experience. When you went in depth about the caregivers, many times I had to take deep breaths because that was so true for me. And to add an extra layer, when you talk about how our caregivers responded, men and women who have immigrant parents who come from war ridden, impoverished countries, or honor and shame centric societies really struggle because our parents are dismissive, stoic, and kind of look down on us, because we didn’t struggle the way they did. Even though they came to the west for better opportunities, they silently resent us for having it “easier”. And because their trauma is significant (and they never acknowledge their trauma most of the time) they are even more critical, lack compassion, hardly validate, and expect you to not voice your emotions or how they made you feel. Often times they are emotionally neglectful because most things they are focused on are logistic, because of how they grew up. I just wanted to add that, because I’ve seen the impact of my own culture effect my brothers, and myself, with the very things you named, but with culture added to it that inadvertently excuses abusive parent behavior, because … that’s the way it is. Many things you said that men experience is the same for women, (I don’t want to one up so please don’t read it that way)and as much as I hate to say it, race also plays a factor. I only mention it to say that being an FA has similar impacts across the board, where I will be gender discriminate, is that I can acknowledge for men, they are NOT considered emotionally, and when people speak on avoidants they demonize them so much and it’s mostly and undertone towards men. I think about how incredibly difficult this attachment style has really really impacted my life, and know at least in some regard I’ll be slightly heard or empathized with (only to a certain extent, cause this is where race come in, being disregarded even further a black woman) But, for men there is no consideration, and that’s awful, because emotional pain, in my view really is worse than physical pain. I hope more men do find your video and learn more about their own experience, connect the dots, and begin healing, because I think this chasm we are having between men and women is deeply rooted in how we were raised. I could go on, because I felt so validated in your video, but I have a question for you. One that I have thought about quite a bit. I’m really wondering if there is a connection around the parenting and climate in the world from parents in the 70s- 90s. It seems that millennials, and gen x seemed to be the most impacted emotionally and struggle a lot with our mental health. We also have a lot of harrowing experiences from our upbringing, and although our parents also experienced trauma, society really conditioned them to keep it in, not speak about it and they remain repressed, however the impact of that was the crack epidemic, the recession in the 80s, divorce and latch key generation in the 90s. There were social issues going on that time that ended up permeating in the home, and I’m just wondering why no one had done any research to the parenting attitudes and climates with those of certain ages and correlation to what was happening? My last thought is being an FA is really hard, and healing is even harder. When I take 1 step to heal, I feel like one trigger takes me 10 steps back. I think for me, is the patterns of abuse and trauma that I experienced in childhood keep replaying in adulthood, which really makes it a challenge to heal when my caregivers still didn’t try to repair or heal their actions towards me, and their demons are now attached to ex partners, friends, or ex bosses that had similar traits. It’s like you’re always waiting for life to get better and it never comes. Thank you for your work and good luck to all the men who are taking steps to their freedom.

[@a.d.b535]

Its like someone greets you with 1 hand motioning to come closer while the other hand signals stop.

[@JustErics101]

You have described me to a T. I thought I had just anxious attachment, but now I realize I’m fearful-avoidant.

[@crystalanastaciaart2695]

Me crying, hoping that my avoidant partner will actually do the exercises in this. Im beyond grateful that there's this resource. An articulate, non threatening, easy to understand format, with solutions. I've spent months trying to figure out what was wrong. How to communicate with someone who has no idea what healthy communication looks like. Non-violent communication strategies. Conflict resolution with someone who doesn't know how to regulate emotions. I went down all the rabbit holes. Narcissism? Emotionally unavailable? This video finally nailed it. Then your video on dismissive avoidants. If i can get my guy to watch that one too, I think we might have the tools, and some hope, for a real, healthy, with intimacy, relationship 🥺

[@Tiishen]

So, how did you share this with your partner and what happened?

[@TheColourAwesomer]

Surprised with how much genuine, solid info is presented - get the sense that you understand it deeply. Child of a raging alcoholic father and shutdown/manic bipolar mother so I relate. Personally, psychedelics and grief work have helped a lot. Embarrassing fear and feeling self-compassion is something I aim for everyday. As I grow more empathy for myself it extends outwards to the people around me. Thanks for the video brother.

[@mavrosskylos2989]

thanks for sharing! which psychedelics u been using >?

[@TheColourAwesomer]

@@mavrosskylos2989 Magic mushrooms

[@s0me0nelse]

I bet MD or mushrooms

[@TheColourAwesomer]

@@s0me0nelse Mushrooms

[@maxsheerin8219]

​@@mavrosskylos2989most drugs will help people feel better. If they got to this empathic achievement while not off their heads. Id appreciate the journey and the work dsr more.. Drugs "dont" works long term. What works is awareness and effort of changing yourself. I just fnd these junkies found a way that works for them. and when they dont have any... They crash. Inevitably.

[@yvettesaxon8572]

This is not a male female thing. This is a person thing.

[@coreylawson1103]

true... but as a male, opening up about this to the significant females in our lives seems like for many of us to blow up in our faces (way) more often than not.

[@maxsheerin8219]

When I see people getting defensive with terms such as, but, its not just men, or its not just women, I cringed the need to say duuuuuh ye don't say? Really, again, Duuuuh 🎉🙄

[@rungeon83]

Yes it's a person thing, however it seems that all the advice is by women and mostly what works best for women. It's VERY VERY rare men get help, or that help is even there for us. Women have it a lot easier with resources for them.

[@maxsheerin8219]

@@rungeon83 I think what people dont realise is that the advise, or cure is the same, the sufferings is the same, the treatment is the same. Radical self care, self compassion and compassion for others is what we need to heal ourselves. It's unisex. 💝 we all have our own thoughts, feelings and emotions that we have to deal with. My big problem may seem small to others, but it huge to me. There is no boy/girl emotion and behavior. Just emotion and behavior. There is help out there, it's unisex if you want to get past the words her and she.

[@rob1972-b5d]

@@rungeon83 definitely 👍

[@Lihoradka-s6v]

Not a gentleman, very much a FA (self diagnosed tho) lady, but I listened up to the end and enjoyed your vid. Self soothing - YES, it's key. And sooo freaking hard to do. Thank you for addressing men, sometimes it seems like only women care about this stuff, and it gives me hope seeing someone talking to men specifically.❤ And you are right, we women live in A LOT of f.... fear.

[@IsaacV2001]

I feel wrong for my experience of relationships, and after circling the list of attachment styles, I’m really just worried that I’m a narcissist. I have really transactional feelings about my relationships. It’s hard to maintain connections with people for the sake of connection. I start to engage with them, only to the extent that I want to and they’re not taking a lot of my energy without giving it back. I ask for a lot of reassurance but feel reluctant to give it, especially if I’m pissed. When I’m with people, I have a hard time engaging with their interests beyond asking them what they like about those interests, and rarely if ever actually engaging in good faith in the things they show me. I watch, listen, respond, and forget about it. I don’t care. A lot of the time I just don’t care. I do sometimes and I will show up for people who need me, but I don’t want to be needed. I know it’s not good, but it’s like I don’t have bearing capacity for others’ needs. I’m fucking tired and I need so much soothing to be okay. I want to make other choices, but I don’t know where I even am.

[@sgtsalazar9757]

I gotta be honest with you… these videos have helped me change completely! The way I view myself, the way I understand myself and the way I am towards my girl. THANK YOU! ❤ Please continue what you’re doing! So grateful to be able to listen to such amazing and live changing content. Ur the man!

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding! Glad to hear the content and work has supported you!

[@elenaperez9687]

Thank you, as a woman it was still very helpful to listen to your video. I have been healing this attachment style on my own and with the help of my husband and it has been tough. The anxious thoughts trigger relationship anxiety/ROCD and when a conflict/disagreement arises in the relationship it is so hard to stay connected because I feel so unsafe. My husband also had unhealthy patterns although he leans on the secure side. After three years of stressful times my husband and I are finally navigating the triggers and conflicts in a healthier and more supportive way. He told me he learned so much about emotional safety and relationship skills since I started doing the work. He didn’t want to hear about it at first so I felt very lonely but more and more he opened up and is now so grateful. I am glad we didn’t give up.

[@Miaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa]

I’m a FA women but God 1 hour !! This is exactly what I’ve been looking for , all other videos are like 10 minutes . Thank you

[@TMH792]

This is so nice to hear a man describing having a FA attachment style and as an FA female I’ve never met a male FA or I just haven’t recognized it. Seem to attract a lot of avoidants. My breath was getting short and I could feel my nervous system a little jacked up right at 27:59, then you said if you can feel this right now thinking back to your childhood take a breath and I hit pause. This is such a great FA description and I’ve listened to hundreds!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[@DanielDahleJohansen]

Thank you so much for this. I cried, because I'm living this. You "see" the nail in my head, and you've told me what it looks like, and what to fucking do about it. So thank you. I am the fearful avoidant man in my relationship, and I became so sure of it thanks to the non-judgmental- and unassuming nature of the way you speak ... Combined with the factual and/or experiential nature of the information you provided.

[@craigbromiley7837]

I could always tell when I was getting out of control. Had a feeling of being outside my own body and my fingers would go numb. It was like watching someone else say and do things. Today I have learned the signs and can take deep breaths and go for a walk and separate from conflict. I am 59 years old. It's been years in recovery.

[@nputman]

I appreciate this is given for the men specifically. The steps toward secure attachment are clear, practical and attainable. I've got some things to start working on!

[@ManTalks]

Wonderful, thanks for tuning in!

[@dm1978]

Greetings from Oz. Wow. I've never heard of this attachment style before and you explained it in such an average-joe, graspable way. The Anxious and Avoidant descriptions I'd read about never really seemed to hit the spot, but this one left me with no room to hide. I had to pause the video and go for a walk to get a handle on it. This was not just a description of the problem (the way so many KZbin "experts" leave you hanging by the end of the video), but you put really practical steps out there. You even mention that the answers are simple, yet can be difficult to implement. Just to have this 'warning' is a helpful signpost of what may happen and it takes a lot of the sting out of it if it does because you've been forewarned that this is comfortably in the range of "normal". You left no surprises, and they're not deal-breakers. Another great video.

[@AnnAnn-bt1fh]

So this may be wayyy outside your wheelhouse, but I would love to see a "New Parent" or "Early Child Development" series for new dads, based on what you do with your son and what you know of psych. The part of this video where you talked about your son asking about your emotions was incredibly sweet and illuminating!!

[@universaltruth2025]

Such a good description. I’m a FA and that describes my childhood well. NPD & dismissive avoidant father and probably FA mother. She was the only source of love but even she was unavailable, unreliable and inconsistent both emotionally and physically. My father didn’t seem to ever really comprehend that we were his children not siblings he had to compete for my mother’s attention with. You are right, I don’t really trust anyone, except my own children. And even they have limits although they are much higher limits that I would give anyone else. But to be fair, many people have let me down and betrayed me in life, so it’s probably natural that I have trust issues. The biggest problem in my life is the emotional dysregulation which continually interrupts and slows me down as I have to spend days trying to calm down enough to focus. I feel as though I have a lot of unrealised potential because of this. Also have the hyper vigilance, people pleasing, & difficulty maintaining friendships. I used to be constantly stressed as a child, to the point I couldn’t relax my stomach muscles, and my pupils were often dilated.

[@SC-li6pf]

This really helped me understand my person and to be more compassionate and loving towards him ❤️

[@kathyn1343]

I recently learned about attachment styles (at age 51!) and think I am primarily dismissive avoidant but dating a fearful avoidant, and it is a disaster as you can imagine!😂 I am working on myself, becoming aware of my triggers and responses but can’t say he is doing the same which is frustrating. Hoping that this video will help him, it certainly helped me. Thank you!

[@ahmadhelmy_]

Thank you for making this. You are the first person to ever actually give instructions on how to heal. Thank you.

[@danlee5856]

I had a traumatic end to my last relationship 8 years ago. She cheated on me. Since then, I didn't want or need a relationship. I have only started looking at my attachment style and I am fearful avoidant. I felt so lonely for the 8 years but I kept convincing myself I didn't need anyone. Still struggling with that.

[@jasonfanclub4267]

Same but do stuff you enjoy and you ever wanted to achieve. Try to appreciate the good moments you have and try to listen to your inner self (last one is really hard for me)

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Of course you need someone. Your not an Island.

[@thomasdherck193]

my notes: loved this! Avoidant attachment style - Want to have control to protect yourself against harm - Difficult to trust intentions - Feeling that there is something always wrong - Difficulty regulating emotions (emotional volatility) - Negative view of people (don’t like you, can’t get close to me) - Waiting to let that people let you down - People pleasing tendencies - Hyper vigilance (anxious state) difficult to concentrate - high stress - Loneliness and isolation - Struggle to self soothe / self regulating Core of healing:
dual nature of being afraid of generating attachment and regulate what you need. 1. Very strict regiment of self soothing (feel safe in myself) 2. Learning how to consistently stay connected and build trust in the relationship (feel safe with you) Soothe me and stay connected to you (7 to 9 months daily) Tactical steps: 1. Understand the origins of your origins of fearful attachment 1. Interruptions in my childhood? -> anxiousness and avoidance (parental issues, which ones stood out?) 2. Learn to self regulate self soothe 1. Breathe 1. Breathe and think about Jesus (sense of safety and security in your own body) 2. 4 4 4 4 (morning, lunch, dinner, before conversation) 3. Wim hof 3. Develop consistent connection with partner and write down your patterns of breaking down connection 1. Shift disconnective patterns to connective behaviors and choices 1. Start conflict / not write back / be snappy / … 2. Take 20 breaths together, holding hands (coherence), asking for needs and wants, asking for emotional connection 4. Build trust slowly over time 1. Going through a hard time with someone and be ok on the end builds secure attachment. 1. What are some of the things that I would normally withhold that I am going to bring into the relationship 2. What are some of the hard times I need to go through to create connection (for instance go on dates no phone and be loving) 5. Challenge and set bounderies with the fear based thoughts in your head 1. I am afraid… (a lot of fear) -> maybe reasonable, but pierce it…. confront some of these fears. (Blessing in disguise in order to be boss of fear)… 1. What am I afraid of in this relationship, and what does it look like to confront it.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Thank you for your effort. I much appreciate this. Im only learning about my fearful avoidance and feel quite overwhelmed with the new awakening. So thank you, I hope I can do something with this 🙏❤️

[@jbdsvld8175]

Great video! It provided an instant means to self reflect and to understand where this hyper vigilance in me comes from and to really investigate family dynamics from the past that culminated in me becoming fearful avoidant.

[@Career_Change_with_Freda]

Thank you so so much for this video, as a FA woman it is super helpful although it’s labelled as a “man’s guide”. I am focusing a lot on my breath work and have decided to stop anxiety meds. Wish me luck!

[@MackiProductions]

Thank you Connor. It was pretty recently I understood that I can fall into fearful avoidance attachment and these videos and just listening to people speak about it helps me a lot. I see such beauty in my relationships unfold and open up when I’m not living in constant fear. It really is possible for all of us to securely attach. I like to think that a secure attachment is underneath the fearful way of attaching. Thank you man.

[@ManTalks]

Hey man, thanks so much for tuning in and glad to hear the video landed for you. Let me know if theres other topics you want me to cover

[@martinapfaar7902]

One of the best descriptions. I would like one with a FA in a LDR!

[@bennyzenger]

Thank you, Connor. Learned about attachment styles recently... After listening to this I'm able to connect the dots. Great work!

[@chrisjames2766]

Very well articulated. Some of the most pragmatic advice available. Much thanks.

[@bandida99]

been learning about this, considering this subject for several years now. This is one of the very best and most helpful presentations on fearful avoidant dynamics. thank you for sharing. thank you for this

[@ptyleranodon3081]

Spot on with this one. This is something I’ve recently learned about myself, and I’ve watched other channels talk about it. But it’s usually women talking to other women. I really appreciate your head-on tackling of the subject.

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Men need to do the work with other men. Women are so tired of this. Going around in circles talking to ourselves 🤣

[@jackieslims5520]

You’re so well spoken! I can’t believe this was done in one take

[@karolvrchovsky4426]

I'm amazed. You described my friend exactly. Finally, I know what her troubles are, what the fights are about. Everything just clicked together. THANK YOU. 👏

[@cynthiamerryman]

Inconsistent caregiving is Very common in children of divorce! Why wasnt that mentioned? 😮

[@stacygantt3282]

As a female (born a female, never became a man and I plan to continue being female) stuck in her masculine energy this has been helpful for me to understand fear and understand my guy (whom I love whole heartedly). We can’t be together until we understand ourselves and my heart aches to understand and be understood. So thank you for you video 🥹🥰!

[@BnR1038]

really needed this video, very eye opening. thank you! please more in-depth videos on attachment theory that go beyond the surface!

[@radiocontrolsoul]

This one hits home

[@Mejuz]

Great Video. What's great is that you provide a way to try and fix it. It's one thing to know what's going on and another one to learn what to do about it. By the way, I am female (Mother a drinker, father died early; great experiences in childhood despite all of this, mainly thanks to lovely grandparents and aunts and uncles, but also some emotional damage), but I see a lot of myself and my brother in what you describe.

[@NoahMann-pb3hm]

Struggling with letting go of my ex we were both insecurely attached but I see the beauty in her and I know we could be healthy together if she tried, most growth comes from relationship.. She made false promises TO TRY, a lot of future faking and I’m struggling hard with it. I want us to work but I know at this point I’m probably 1 of 20 guys that’s “here for her”. Also aware that’s a story in my head but it brings shame that my heart is still set on her when she hasn’t shown an ounce of care. Torn on what to do. I’m empathetic to her situation with herself.. so I almost feel like shes just running away from the tough feelings being in a relationship brings.. makes me feel like I can save her from that and show her I am the one and these feelings are things we can work through. It’s ridiculous The more I focus on myself the more she pops into my head and it disrupts me. She said she wanted to work on herself she knows I’m the one etc etc but anytime I hear that I just can’t help but think it’s a bs excuse to leave and be with other guys as well.

[@brettwintersmusic]

Some questions to ponder. No need to respond to these. How do you feel most of the time when you’re in relationship with her? How do you feel with the thought that you could be one of twenty men in her life? What keeps you attached to her? How much do you feel this person empowers your sense of self vs makes you lose yourself? I’ve been in your situation before and I know how gut-wrenching the feeling it is to love someone within whom you see potential, but they don’t want to do the work. Based on what you described, as much as you love this person, to be with her is not very loving to yourself. It takes two to tango.

[@coreylawson1103]

i sympathize with you. you're not alone. I still miss the connection with my ex. it has been since January since we broke up. Time has helped. Acknowledging my loss has helped. even now. "I miss and am going to miss doing with you". or being in a place. or situation. or whatever. has helped let go, a step at a time. getting out of Dodge, especially to somewhere you have happy history going to, and your ex has nonco nection to, can help. watching these vids, Heidi Priebe's vids, etc and engaging with and working on your shit, helps. now is probably the best time to do this. and exercise.

[@advaitchougule242]

Thank you for making this video. I have cried the whole video listening to you. Every single thing you described wanting to trust people but also cannot trust them is so mee, getting disappointed by people, friends, family. And also about the body reacting to the meditation and breathing exercises. Whenever I would do breathing exercises my body get's heat up so much so that I start sweating and it goes on until I stop the exercise. Again thank you for this video.

[@dawnfloyd677]

I am a woman & I thank you for this video best I have heard on the subject & love wim hoff practice .. I agree on everything you have said. I am still exploring my fear avoiding type. Very grateful to hear a man fully supporting growth I have subscribed

[@Fefe559]

oh wow, you are describing fearful avoidant MEN but you are describing me to a T, (not a man) I thought I was a FA but after this description, I know I am now. Subscribing! Btw some stuff that is helping me a little is breathwork, ice dips (wim hof stuff) all winter long in Canada, journalling, yoga nidra & yoga yin type practices, and the book NO BAD PARTS, and CPTSD book by Pete Walker. Can’t afford a therapist so I am trying to heal myself

[@chickndinner2851]

I’m also a woman and what he said accurately described my childhood. Every one of the things.

[@BoostedPastime]

I genuinely wish that I had information like this in my life years ago thank you very much for making this content and sharing it because a lot of people need to hear it especially a lot of men.

[@chickndinner2851]

Damn. I started watching this video under the assumption that I was anxiously attached. But you described my childhood to a tee. 🤯

[@DustyJay03]

Wow! You touched on so many of my issues!! It's good to know that I am not the only one that feels this way. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and tips.

[@sylerknight7280]

I thought i was the anxious avoidant type. Now leaning more to this 'style' of attachment. Fear based emotions are strong, they can cause major self sabotage. You explained this very clearly and for that i am greatfull. At 37, not able to hold a long term relationship, is there still hope for recovery?

[@Leispada]

There is absolutely more than enough room , time and opportunity for recovery. Notice how your question in itself is a fearbased one. Your brain has that need of certainty and control. It is a dependency on outcomes that you might want to try and overcome. I say this as a fellow almost 37y/o who started working on this in Jan

[@holyoox1453]

Feels like you know me better than anyone else

[@rjmilitante2787]

Curing the fearful avoidance symptoms - easier said than done

[@Thomas...191]

It's annoying when you understand it origin and mechanisms: but feel as tho you can do nothing to fix it.

[@s0me0nelse]

Everytime I see some mental health coucher say that he cured it within himself or his clients, I can't help it but be very sceptical. The hard part it believing that it can be cured

[@jessicahitchens6926]

Regulating your nervous system and endocrine system. It can be done but it takes a lot of effort... and its ongoing.

[@RealTalkwithBellaTT]

I always tended to go for more avoidant men bc something in me knew they could never love me the way I deserved. And not just avoidant men, but bad men. I know that sounds weird but it’s almost like I’d rather have someone who I knew was going to turn away and distance themselves rather than someone who would try to come to me and make things work. Like I wanted reliability but I didn’t trust that someone could actually be that anyway. I’ve been working a great deal on these things and have moved closer to secure. However, living 30 years that way definitely left a mark on me, and I’ll probably always be dealing with these underlying emotions to some degree. Growth is surely possible tho yall ❤

[@meganpittman0615]

As a female, healing FA, this video was exceptional. I learned more things about myself and where it stems from than I have in years of therapy (on and off). The biggest lesson I learned about my attachment style is, I’m only really triggered and activated IN relationships when I start having feelings for someone AND all of my previous partners were APs. I have only been in a situation with one DA and it was an absolute disaster for me but I hung on as long as I could so that I could grow as a person. I had to cut it off for the sake of us both. Thank you for this content and for creating this messaging specific for men. ❤

[@brittanymetz3230]

What i find ironic is avoidants call the anxious person high maintenance, or too much, when we are usually the ones putting in all of the work and energy to do self improvement and into understanding and managing the other person, walking on egg shells etc.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Both are high maintenance and toxic AF until they work on themselves.

[@LauraLee67]

I just love this guy, he explain things, easily to understand.

[@blanewilliams620]

This video is the standard for FA/Disorganized education, complete with specific techniques to overcome the protest behaviors and move toward secure attachment. I hope you'll consider writing a book to expand on the FA, aka the forgotten attachment.

[@vessaljaberi4561]

you deserve all the views and subs my friend. i will be taking what you said and applying it to the best of my ability. i also shared your video to 3 close friends. thank you for your work.

[@ManTalks]

Outstanding. Thank you

[@paullawrence5078]

Thanks the video. I have never heard fearful avoidance attachment but it described who I am and my childhood experiences. I am terrified of closeness and intimacy this is the first time I feel I understand why, Taking action is necessary but it absolutely terrifying. Thanks for the clarity and suggestions for taking steps forward.

[@tycerxyz7534]

I’m curious to hear how you at look at this attachment style in terms of using polyarmory to deal with their anxiety? Or rather using polyarmory as a coping mechanism.

[@seegee84]

I’ve been thinking about this too…it’s almost like having options helps us to regulate our nervous system. No real expectations.

[@ChrisTM-w1j]

Surprised to see that this happened to someone else - my ex did not like and felt very uncomfortable with a lot of dynamics of polyamory yet would only be in poly relationships bc it was a coping mechanism for him. He was so dysregulated all the time it was unreal.

[@tycerxyz7534]

@@ChrisTM-w1j yes it has been my experience that everyone I’ve ever known that subscribes to a polyarmorous lifestyle is some form of neurodivergent or avoidant personality. Essentially using it as a coping mechanism. Not exactly healthy!

[@KeepinitrealwithKelz]

I realize I’m a Woman and this was titled for men but this is one of the most helpful videos I’ve seen on this attachment style , speaking for myself of course but wow, Thank you so much

[@OatmealMelon]

Thank you so much for this series! This is hitting the nail on the head for my husband. I sincerely hopes he watches this as I think it's the help he could really really use. Your thoroughness and the way you lay things out is fantastic and all of the 'what this looks like' bits are wicked helpful. Thank you

[@karolvrchovsky4426]

I'm gonna keep listening to this episode for many times....thank you

[@davepelvin130]

Question for the panel here… I identify a lot of these characteristics in myself, but what I find challenging is how to differentiate between my fearful avoidant patterns/ behaviours, and genuine incompatibilities or deal breakers that I am writing off because I’m blaming my FA patterns. In conflict or otherwise activated by something, I move towards total acceptance of my partner (telling myself that I’m the one that’s fearful avoidant so my trigger must be the problem) but can’t find the other side of that equation that should be just as valid (what is actually an issue for me?) What is the line between a healthy relationship that has difficulty (or seems unhealthy) because of the fearful avoidant dynamics, and what is a relationship dynamic that is unhealthy but is being kept alive because I’m blaming my fearful avoidant dynamics for the problems?! Hope that made sense, I’d love to hear the feedback!

[@crystalanastaciaart2695]

Are you here because of you? Or did your partner find this resource for you? That makes a difference. If your partner had you watch this, then they're still very interested and going through a lot. A healthy relationship doesn't have any of these issues consistently. They might have them temporarily, talk about it, change behavior, and work through it. The issues in this video do not plague a healthy relationship. Your partner, if you're new to working on this, still has plenty of ptsd and is still probably some kind of starved. Affection starved. Touch starved. Compliment starved. Words of affection and affirmation starved. Deep conversation starved. Intimacy starved. Your partner will take a moment to regulate and feel safe. I bet they're still walking on eggshells. I bet there's still things you can't talk about, or they're stressed out to bring up to you. If you've done the work and you are a safe place... For your partner to bring issues... If you can have a deep conversation. If you regularly touch and give affection. If you can conflict resolve in a healthy way and validate your partners emotions and concerns. If you are showing up as a partner that your partner deserves, then you might be asking a legitimate question. I'm not trying to dismiss your stance in this question. But the thing about avoidants is that they will have tantrums about other things and distract from the actual issue. So many things to avoid real vulnerability. I'm in a relationship with an FA right now. Conversations are impossible. It's like pulling teeth to have one and there's never any real resolution. I'm just giving in again to avoid being attacked by whatever distraction/ deflection technique he's using to avoid real connection. It's the most frustrating thing in the world to be totally in love with someone who's only showing up 50% in this. I have a shell of a relationship. So if you've done the work. And you don't have a shell of a relationship... But a real relationship with honest connection and intimacy, then you can legitimately question if you don't have the ingredients for a good relationship. But if you've only halfway done the work and are looking for an easy out, instead of doing the work, I want you to think about this. The relationship you are in right now will be all of your relationships if you don't fix you. Just check yourself that you've done the real work. And you have to excuse me. I'm really frustrated and can't communicate with my boyfriend. So it's nice to get it out in any form, that might be listened to. At all 😢 I wish you the best. Just make sure you're seeing your partner in this. Have you built points back up that you destroyed by being avoidant? Have you done the connection exercises? Because if they gave this resource to you, then they are still trying. They've lived through half a relationship and missed all the connection. They've been purposely given less. Been starving for connection and conversations. If you're seeing their humanity and your real contribution to this, then you have a real question. But if you've only half assed it, then you still have a lot of connection and repairing to do.

[@annamarsch6091]

If its a serious relationship and you can afford it, i would consider seeing a coach/ therapist together from early on to sort out `my´and ´your ´stuff and how to progress together. I think a partner who loves you and also wants to grow could/ should consider this idea. Goof luck, all the best.

[@mrrostaron2386]

I have to say you really hit it with the Wim Hof breathing. Been doing it consistently for the last 6 years and it was one of the best if not the number one way to learn to downregulate and self-soothe.

[@eli7527]

Thank you for this one. I didn’t expect to learn from and relate so much to this attachment style. I think this video is really going to help me, and I’m definitely going to use the concepts and techniques you recommended, as well as deeply consider the questions that were posed at the end of the video. Again, thank you Connor.🙏🏻

[@Align45]

Learning about FAs so I don’t end up with another one but it helps to understand the origins of things & how it can play out. Your content is excellent- so well explained & explanations are beyond a lot of the information out there. Thank you

[@karaleeparsons8830]

This is a great one. I’m the fearful AND dismissive avoidant… the wife. Really like your work. My poor husband 😢. I found you for him, as he felt there was no solution for the recipient (him). Thank You gives me hope for us both.

[@KARphotographie]

This vidéo is worth more than all my sceances of Psy together. Thank you so much.

[@ManTalks]

beauty, glad to hear it hit home!

[@GunjanChavan]

THIS VIDEO IS GOLD

[@danielvazquez5624]

Dude great video. So informative. Feeling a lot of clarity. I have childhood trauma from severe ashma and needing to have been in hospital often. So I don't relate to having inconsistent parenting but certainly fit the bill for fearful avoidant.

[@sherrymshephard-massat5929]

Sounds like a lot of work for the avoidant's partner too. While he's trying, if he is trying, to stay connected with himself and trust that you won't abandon or reject him, you as the partner are doing what? Building your sense of security because all you can do is not plug into his trauma. Don't take it personally. As long as you remember that it's not about you, and stay strong and secure in who you are, and keep your friends and family close so that you get positive affirmation when needed, and stay busy with the things that fulfill you and, most of all, IGNORE THEM AND DON'T CHASE, you'll be fine. Just for goodness sakes don't tear yourself apart trying to tip-top around him because it's nothing you're doing that's the problem. You can't fix him, but you can make the decision of whether to walk away or accept him as he is.

[@anamoreira6142]

I'm a woman, I cried a lot with this video. I felt in part understood. I don't know if I have this type of attatchment, especialy since it's something that affects small children. But when I was around 8 my grandpa left and divorced my grandma, he was my best friend. I don't know if it started then, but I constantly notice a pattern in my relantionships where I start to doubt if I love my partner. I believe I am afrad of being abandoned and sometimes I try to exit the relationship if I feel that fear is coming alive. I'm with my partner for 7 months, I really like him, I know if I leave I will regret it. But sometimes I cannot stop the fear of "what if I don't love him enough? Or if I just want to be friends?", sometimes I cannot stop though like "If you love him you should be doing this or being like this". I don't know if this behaviour is in fact me having an avoidant attachment, but your video helped me a little. I'm trying to organize my thoughs to talk to my partner about this feelings, but I also feel I can't beacuse I'm afraid he will leave me. I don't know if you will see this comment and help me, but internet people can you help a little?

[@Jenishabadoo]

Wow this was so helpful. I’m a woman and I think this was mostly geared towards men but I just realized I’m FA and things are starting to make more sense. I cried a couple times listening to this which I think was positive. Released some stuff. Very insightful. Thanks so much.

[@margitjensen4178]

I think this resonates with women just as much as with men - thank you so much for this video. I particularly appreciated your 'tactical list'. I've been spending quite a bit of time trying to understand attachment styles lately, but there is very little material that gives you an actual list of things to try/do! Question in case anyone has some links - I believe I am FA and I seem to attract/be attracted to FA's as well. This is the theory I am working with right now at least. There seems to be some recognition of shared trauma that makes us drawn to each other? This seems highly dysfunctional and doomed, but also seems to be the case! Any thoughts?

[@davidbrownguitarvocalist4582]

Thanks so much, this was incredible. Absolutely spoke to the heart and described my experience exactly

[@hanmanteomkar]

this is pretty spot on! can you share why do FAs insult/devalue partners before ending it all?

[@Leispada]

I did this too recently, here's my take: its projection of issues with ourself unto our partner. I was blind to see that the reasons for our problems were my trauma and behaviors as discussed in this video. Instead convinced it was a fault of my partner. The FA brain , in a case of being unable te resolve problems for long enough will escalate the need to get away from the 'source' (partner), even to the point of associating a feeling of disgust with them. Self defense systemgoing overboard.

[@hanmanteomkar]

@@Leispada appreciate the honesty, thank you. luckily for me i have always known what value i bought to the table so it didnt bother me much and i packed up at earliest but my heart goes out to people who's self esteem breaks after being devalued and eventually discarded.

[@Leispada]

@@hanmanteomkar Yw :) And yes..., my ex's self-esteem has taken a giant hit and I am gutted by guilt. We still talk, I told her everything Ive learned and vowed to improve myself.

[@CatalinaFOIA]

I've just now been able to reflect and analyze my first love's attachment style vs my own. It's been 27 yrs and I still have love for him and him for me also. He is 100% an avoidant and I am 100% an anxious attachment. 😮 This is very eye opening.

[@JodyWestbyHanalei]

The portion where you talked about the child and parentification... Really resonated with me and each... and every attachment style quiz I have ever taken either identifies me as anxious or secure attachment... But never a fearful avoidant. The reason why I stumbled upon this video was because I feel as though my ex -girlfriend is a fearful avoidant... But it's very interesting to see how i discover information that I have been finding resonates within myself. 😅

[@coreylawson1103]

Thanks! This vid resonates for me. I am going to add your vids to Heidi Priebe's vids.

[@ManTalks]

Thanks Corey, Appreciate you!

[@liquidsquidkid9517]

I found lots of value in this video. Thank you very much for this! A contributing factor to my high-conflict, volatile and neglectful childhood home was my older brother (by 5 and a half years), who acted as a bully when nobody was around, and then play the victim when caught. This created no end of drama until he went to college. After which I expected my single, alcoholic, frequently depressive, angry, working mother would get better, supported by my sage 12-year old help. I couldn’t have been more wrong as mom completely checked out of being at home at that point. So without enough love to go around, siblings can be rivals instead of close. I expect this has been a common experience. On the practice with partner advice suggested, I sure hope your partner, if you have one, is a well-adjusted safe person in good-standing with you. Otherwise the outcomes of articulating your wants, in vulnerability, could be…unfortunate.

[@smarie8273]

Excellent, I’m a woman w a disorganized attachment style but working on it and self aware With an avoidant partner who is not

[@thelightnessofbeing-asmr6505]

What helps me self regulate is to dive inwards and listen to my feeling of the moment and question it. How does it feel like? It feels like a massive brick in my stomach. And carry on asking, what does this brick feel like? It feels like I am falling. What does falling feels like? It feels like a black hole. What does the black hole feels like? It feels like loneliness. Etc...and you carry on until you come to some understanding of the feeling. This process has helped me to realise quite a few things about my feelings and helped calm myself down - Hope this helps - Teal Swan, explain the process very well x

[@analinagarcia]

Wow. This is so accurate in my experience minus the negative outlook toward others. I am in my process of actively healing.

[@Uncleben777]

Great episode, hits home. Found out about Mens work from last years Modern Wisdom podcast, now just found this channel and mainlined a tonne of videos all weekend. Changed my life, all of it. Love your book love your work Connor.

[@tranglomango]

This is marvellous content. Thank you for your effort and goodwill in the making of this video. Just wonderful

[@Leispada]

Excellent video! I will save it so I can have people see it , should they wonder what FA means

[@ckvo77]

Thank you for making this video

[@hspinnovators5516]

When do we know when to give up on loving an FA? When they are unwilling to work on themselves?

[@C737xbrj]

If they are unwilling to do the work, it's futile and pointless. You'll be crushed. Best to just move on...

[@Liza-Loves-You]

This answer is Abraham Hicks style Let me know it it helps you If loving them makes you feel good, and inspires you, then love them. Revel in it. Enjoy it. Milk it. Daydreaming is an art. Feeling good is your natural state. Gratitude. Loving someone feels the same as being loved, because love flows through you. If it makes you feel bad, take away your attention. Your thoughts make you feel a certain way, and we can (learn to) choose our thoughts. Focus on what makes you feel good. What's already working out for you. The things you want more of. This is all about you, not them. Focus on what makes you happy. Meditate. Learn to focus on you feeling good. If you are happy, and someone else is happy too and wants to share that with you, that is great. If not, that's okay, you will still be happy We are all here to learn, to expand, to change and to grow. We are creative. We create our own reality. Don't let anybody else ever be your only source of happiness, or a condition for you to be happy. You are the source. ❤

[@StephanVayda]

If they are committed to loving you then they should do the work, if not, it’s not going to be worth it. However, don’t make the mistake with the next person. If you want to be with someone, you need to accept them fully for who they are in that moment. You shouldn’t commit to someone if you are thinking you can fix them, it’s rarely going to work. Discussing these topics from the get go will let you weed out those who are unaware of their problems and unwilling to work on them. You will save yourself in choosing poorly but keep in mind your pool of people becomes much smaller. I heard that 50% of people today have an insecure attachment style and so if you also have one, expecting to find someone who doesn’t and will also accept will be very difficult. If you can be honest with where you are and the work you are willing to do, then finding someone who is also honest with themselves of their problems and willing to work on them seems to be best option and has the highest probability of success imo. Hope this gives you something to think about. Good luck with everything

[@s0me0nelse]

Avoidant types are dealing with stress and emotional trauma, so they are more sensetive and gentle, in order to hold a relationship and grow in it they need much of emotional freedom, honesty and loyalty, then they can feel safe and let themselves open up. If you also have a lot of emotional needs, you are anxious, and it feels impossible to you to sustain a good meaningful emotional freedom, and his avoidant acts will make you only more anxious, stressing, struggling and suffocating, make this relationship stop because that's a recipe for explosion and much hurt.

[@s0me0nelse]

‏‪43:02‬‏ I think that although what you say is probably true for many, there are also something very soothing in a dark way in knowing that people work in certain specific ways and their behaviors are highly predictable and hard to change... Also there is a calming effect in knowing that you can survive, quite good, in isolation. So whenever I feel hurt by people, I relatively quickly can recover from it because I have my private place to go to, my isolated cave, and I'm good there, and I tell myself that their behavior was expected, sooner or later. They are only humans, they couldn't help themselves, they couldn't be greater than their nature. If any Im very stressed and self blaming myself for letting my guards down and beeing catched by those behaviors suprised, that's something I keep in my mind much after the incident in order to learn a lesson for the future.

[@neocitadel]

My girlfriend is a classic avoidant. And I've been trying to understand myself and her so we can get some tools to make us work. Because we love eachother and want the relationship but we are both pushing and pulling and we amcant find consistent equilibrium. I thought I was an anxious to her avoidant m, but I actually think now I am fear avoidant, and have more emotional and anxious tendencies.

[@JusWrightMusic]

i dont feel like i hate other people but i definitely dont trust anyone or find connecting or keeping up with the connection with most people worth the effort. definitely only have 2 or 3 friends that i bother to spend time with regularly.

[@JusWrightMusic]

i do find most people to be quite dumb and if i am honest with them they will turn on me. maybe i do hate people. lol

[@paulinamorales161]

IM loving these attachment episodes