Are You Hypervigilant? (INFO AND TEST)

[@MayflowerDaughter]

I often wonder what it's like to not worry or question everything you do. That would be heaven.

[@DorianDavisddd]

At first I thought you were saying you're 91 years old

[@MayflowerDaughter]

@@DorianDavisddd do not know how or why 91. was there. I fixed it.

[@IIcorrinthians519]

me too. I don't even need to add them because I answered 5 to most of them. It's beyond my physical control anymore because of my bodily reaction to everything due to cptsd. I wish there was a way to look at the brain to see how much, if any, damage from cptsd shows.

[@thisiswhathappenslarry]

Seriously x.x i know its good that we atleast think before we speak but i feel for us its at a level where it only hinders us. I often become mute in social situations with people i dont know well because i get so anxious that my mind goes blank and all i can think about are my anxious thoughts.

[@tnijoo5109]

Wow. Yes. Well said. Me too.

[@alicethemadrabbit1842]

I just realized a trigger.... When my roommate does dishes loudly, I assume that i've done something wrong and she's mad at me and my anxiety skyrockets. (we only do our own dishes) goddamn... even hearing the door close louder than softly triggers my anxiety.....

[@TaylorSwiftLoverFML]

Damn I can relate to you! That's why when I close the door, I close it slowly, because I know how it feels to get anxious when it's closed a little louder. I scored 83.

[@calamari2153]

That is 100% me. It is hell at my workplace. When someone is coughing i always get an anxiety attack. I would think it is because of me. I would do my best to not make any noises. I get tensed up like paraliyzed. It is so exhausting..

[@Photosynthesislove]

Yup. That happened today. I locked up in my room.

[@2JustComment]

ugh I feel this. I have a housemate who does use passive agressive techniques to "communicate" when he's annoyed, but he also just does things loudly in general. its very confusing and stressful.

[@loosetooth777]

@@TaylorSwiftLoverFML Same. I always close doors carefully even when there's no need to be quiet and I'm just now realizing that this must be why!

[@jasabella4444]

I scored 96. My mother was my bully. Constantly attacking me, blaming me, guilt tripping me over things completely out of my control, putting way too much pressure/responsibility on me as a child has turned me into a ball of nerves as an adult.

[@ptsdsucks9069]

God bless you. I’m 58 and still deal with being extremely hyper vigilant every single day.

[@flamingrobin5957]

you are not alone. thanks for sharing your story.

[@MasonLeCompte]

Do we have the same mother? Sounds just like mine!

[@ashleybursch2804]

no one bullied me, so why did I get 85?

[@alexismerrilldragonqueen6552]

​@@ashleybursch2804when we are first learning about trauma it may seem like we weren't really traumatized, but if you scored an 85, that's for a reason.

[@jadehenzen]

“Do you often find yourself trying to find solutions to other people’s problems ?” … that one hit me hard. Definitely rules my life theses days ! I need to focus on myself

[@IAMNArtGirl]

75… This is exactly why I love being alone! There is no one in the immediate area that I have to worry about pleasing or being “on” for.

[@VK-uh5jz]

Amen, sister. It's a lot nicer not having to deal with potential threats since I've abandoned my former 'friendships', put others at a farther arms reach (to where they don't affect me so much), and started focusing on what I call 'me, God, and dog'. 😂

[@Baiswith]

74 - same here. I do sometimes think it would be great to have a partner to share the whole time/money sink that a house is...then I remember that would mean having someone else present a lot of the time and my hackles go straight up lol I do try and keep up some semi-regular social contacts (or did, pre-covid...), but otherwise I get more than my fill of other people through video calls, emails, and IM with colleagues and clients at work.

[@jilligain3409]

Agreed. That’s why I have pets. And I also foster some, & help out feral cats in my area. Gives me all the company & purpose I ever need

[@beingilluminous]

76 .... andddd why I'm twisting myself inside out trying to find some sense of balance living in a household with my mother (where these roots have been) and with my former partner (and how they became my typical relationships)... now I'm working with this space, and myself, to feel "safe".... this also explains that why, when I went to some waterfalls recently and no one was there (for hours), I felt constantly like I was going to have to "deal with people"... thank you all for helping me feel better about my perspectives :).

[@taylorchase2346]

I resonate so deeply with this statement. I have always preferred being alone the majority of the time. I used to have a lot of guilt and shame surrounding this.

[@HenriqueSantosCosta]

While you were giving examples of hypersensitivity, I thought how crazy it must be to receive an e-mail from your boss and not have and anxiety attack, or just comfort your partner through a hard day without spending the night worrying it might have been something you said/did. It must be nice being normal...

[@CN-dv9nj]

Me too. I'm thinking now do I text them and apologize for ways I've been hypervigilent and unreasonable. OMG.

[@Lxizx]

@@CN-dv9nj yep

[@KilyanAustin]

Its horrible, if my phone rings or someone is at my door I instantly get a full panic attack, walk through the house shaking and not knowing what to do, trying to tell myself its not a group of people trying to hurt or kill me.

[@nelson850]

This make me so sad that people are being affected by these mental processes so frequently and deeply, I had a small anxiety attack for the first time a few days ago, nothing too rough and to know people are struggling day in and day out from these problems hurts me a lot.

[@chrisbcakes4949]

I always feel that nervous rush if I get a message from anyone who is 'important'.

[@feelsrealbadman]

I scored an 82. I have always felt like a sponge. Like I always absorb the emotions and tension of others. I grew up around a lot of fighting and yelling and I would always end up hyperventilating and sobbing in a corner because it was always too much for me. I've always been the middle man for everyone. But I've also always been told that all of my problems are my fault so I think in the back of my mind I think that when someone is upset it's because of me. That I inherently did something to make them upset because I often forget about myself and how I'm acting or how I must've said something in the wrong tone or whatever

[@viktoriyamarinova9337]

I'm sorry that you had to go through all that... The way you described your situation sounds just like I would talk about mine... I scored 87...

[@vikkiweigel2504]

I relate completely

[@vwb9695]

I felt like a sponge too.

[@anvitashukla5063]

I completely relate to everything you said. Feeling like a middle man for the arguments between my parents. I scored 63.

[@shaggyrogers7847]

I know how you feel…the dysfunction was epic in my household. We had to walk around on eggshells to avoid triggering my father’s meltdowns. My mother took his side to make her life easier, which I understand. I scored 94.

[@breakingpointe727]

72 - after three years of therapy and my own reading/research, I consider that a massive improvement.

[@WwJd2tmthy1]

70......... 2 years ago I would have had a perfect score of 100 ...... baby steps to healing my trauma! ONE DAY AT A TIME 💯✌🏻

[@yunivoes]

That is what I wanted to write, too. Have 79, and funnily about two years ago I went no contact with my narc mother

[@jasonbertalotto2355]

I got a 59 and I am shedding the trauma

[@FatShork]

71, and on the same boat here!

[@DoomGappy1994]

I genuinely just smiled reading this, congratulations and keep it up!

[@WwJd2tmthy1]

I just took the test again and I got a 54 👩‍🎓😳🤓😎👍🏻❤️

[@MrDmcthebest]

78, no wonder why i'm constantly exhausted from social interactions.

[@nikiepunt8631]

Yes and feeling bad because of it. At least I do.. after an hour or two, no matter how nice a gathering of ppl is, I need to get tf out. Feeling like a nuisance. A real boob. A stick in the mud and a partypooper! And then I need to remind myself that have the right to recharge myself for whatever the cause is from my exhaustion. Other wise I step over my own boundaries and the end is lost from there. But it is such a bad feeling I’m almost always the first one to leave at parties... 😔😞😢

[@emz5334]

Me too... makes so much sense now!! (83)

[@xmlax1]

I got 78 too

[@lilacscentedfushias1852]

@@emz5334 lol I thought you wrote that you’re 83 years old 😂 not your score 🤦🏼‍♀️ the only excuse I have is that’s I’m tired

[@aneeya9387]

I got 78 too hehe

[@OMGitsKristinaxD]

This is so interesting. I’m almost amazed when people explain the inner child. It’s odd to think about. It’s almost like my emotional intelligence was stunted at 9 years old.

[@HereComesKarma]

Or maybe the first? 🤷‍♀️

[@Bronte866]

Funny you say 9. I was nine when when day, that I remember well, I realized that I was overwhelmed with responsibilities that none of my friends had & that my parents would never be helping me with anything whatsoever and I had better get used to it.

[@littlenapssss]

I am praised for keeping the peace in chaotic areas. I’ve also been known to be intuitive. I scored 80. Reading the room, walking around egg shells, and stuffing what I really feel to my belly comes very easily for me. I’ve been on/ off therapy but I never really had a name for it, and I’m absolutely awful at describing things! So I thought it was just part of life and maybe I was being too sensitive. Sheesh lol.

[@NotTheVibe]

isn't it wonderful finally having a word to put to a feeling?

[@SparklesNJazz]

hypervigilant? this is my entire personality.

[@nikiepunt8631]

So you have your New Years resolution 🤣😂🤣😂😂🤣

[@sam60727]

Same. Sending hugs. We are going to get through this. ❤❤❤❤

[@jessetheplant]

Fucking mood

[@Dwelleronthethreshold89]

🤣 hay friend

[@ms.bornagain57]

Same, I notice things constantly that most people don't even see.

[@carebearboo4247]

I cannot even comprehend not being insecure and constantly worried about how people perceive me and how I look, etc. I'm always extremely aware of others behaviors and I don't trust people I don't know. It is exhausting mentally. I was thinking the last time I wasn't insecure was right before I hit puberty.

[@GabrielleTollerson]

This is relatable,I'm the same way 😞 I hope you are doing alright!

[@Lucifronz]

I feel like I'm in a much better place than I used to be, far less anxiety than when I was younger, but that part of me has not changed one bit. I'm still constantly assessing how other people act around and think about me, how I can be perceived better, and while there's a part of me that will say whatever I want and not care about the results, there's also another part of me that won't even try out new clothing because someone might potentially mock it, or even talk negatively about it in passing.

[@ashleylacombe8935]

Same. It's exhausting

[@dasiamay2324]

BRO SAME! I used to not give af about anything, but middle school rocked me altered my entire perception of myself and reality

[@stellanguyen2396]

@@Lucifronz what you said is so relatable...

[@KatiTul192]

I scored an 84. I'm not surprised. As a kid, I was always taking care of my twin brother with special needs. I was taking care of him alone as early as I can rembember at age 7. My mom was very moody and unpredictable, so I was always feeling like I was walking on eggshells around her. When she was having a bad day, I always felt like it was my fault. "You should've done these things! I shouldn't have to ask you!" I was always feeling very jealous of the attention my brother got because of his disability, angry that I was doing much of the jobs a mom does despite the fact that I didn't ask to be a mom; I was a kid! And I was overwhelmed by the pressure of my parents' expectations and fantasies for their two children that fell just on me, because I was the only one of the two of us that was capable of doing those things.

[@merrym7174]

That's so sad. I'm very sorry that you had to go through that. I'm sad that so much was expected of you at such an early age. May you experience much healing,, and may you feel very comforted along your healing journey. 🙏

[@fruitypatchouli]

Scored a 65, but I honestly think I would have been in the 80s or 90s about a decade ago. Therapy, medication, maturity and time...they really do help. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts sometimes, as well as constantly reading my partner's expressions and body language, but I've come a long way. If you're reading this and you've been through childhood trauma, I hope you are doing well. I believe you can make a difference in yourself, and most importantly, I believe you (we) are worth it!

[@Lusana7]

Read Dr. Peter Breggin's book "Your Drug May be your Problem" and know that antidepressants SSRI are a scam developed by big pharma greed and no true scientific long term study beyond the initial 6-8 weeks of taking one of these uppers is no different than adding speed to an already struggling mind, so that now the body and mind are JACKED UP and present in INTRUSIVE thoughts like a Run-away-train taking you off track, in fear of attack or attcking in relationships and ROBS you of your God-given ability to peace. Its. criminal. I hope this helps anyone who reads this.

[@karae807]

I scored a 38. A year ago, before starting therapy for trauma, I would’ve scored a 92, easily. Working with an amazing trauma informed therapist and listening to brilliant videos and podcasts such as this have been life changing. I left my narcissistic ex husband, went low contact with my narcissistic, emotionally immature parents, and let go of a toxic ‘friend.’ I’m the healthiest, emotionally, I’ve ever been. Thank you, Patrick, for your wonderful, valuable work!

[@JustSaralius]

I'm really happy for you! Great job!! 😃

[@NotTheVibe]

oh wow. this gives me hope, I just scored an 86 and know my life is hell. I want to be happy but fear there's no hope for me, I've always been like this since I was an adolescent and I'm almost 30 now

[@rachelagron3414]

I'm so happy for you! Are there any podcasts you can recommend?

[@Spicy-spaghetti]

@@NotTheVibe find Jesus

[@amelijamoon]

I feel so proud of you.

[@MiciousDawn]

83. I’ve been called intuitive and good at reading people and situations. Obviously this is why. I’m in therapy now and I think the number is going down very slowly. At 36 years old I’m learning for the first time that the things I want are valid and should be advocated for. Long road but I’m glad I’m in the right direction.

[@CassandraBanana]

I’m 31 and this is where I’m at! I scored a 76 but a few years ago, before therapy, I’d have scored way higher

[@vladimirerfan7721]

Awesome! Better late than never.

[@XeaRae]

I got 83 too. I’m grateful they weren’t all 5s tbh.

[@DianeSherlock]

Also 83!

[@aquariusstar7248]

Who wld hv thought the skill of intuition and reading ppl wld be connected to trauma! I was thinking the same thing abt those abilities. Now im wondering uf i was right abt ppl ir dud i brimg it out if them by my response to them

[@mantramagix]

52! Been spiritually growing for the better. I honestly would have been higher than this just a year ago. Going within and learning more about yourself and inner child and giving yourself the love and care you never properly received take time,patience,understanding, and love. Reprogram your mind for the better because you are loved!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@SweetBeeFaerie]

Scored 83. Constant anxiety and overthinking basically define my entire personality. It’s embarrassing and I think it might be why I have so few friends. The question about noticing that others form stronger relationships than me really stuck out. My boyfriend has several very healthy and close relationships with his friends, and I have two semi-close friends that may or may not give much of a shit about me, I honestly can’t tell. I crave close relationships and feel incapable of forming them because I overthink literally everything.

[@ashleybursch2804]

I got 85, I feel the same

[@pattiehh913]

i have friends but i often wonder if they like the image i project and if they would love the damaged person lying below the surface

[@donnablack6280]

76. I'm in a constant state of seeing the worst-case scenario. Someone told me I have "catastrophic thinking" recently. Well, I was airlifted from a war zone when I was 7, so there's that.

[@LoveAllCreations]

I've been told the same thing. This person added, "but catastrophes hardly ever happen." My brain: "they happened all the time. It was my reality." This person didn't understand trauma and the effects it has on another person. With trauma, it's not about what MIGHT happen, it's what DID happen." I hope you're keeping well. I hope that each day, you're getting one step closer to healing .

[@anz10]

@@LoveAllCreations yep it DID happen but I'm trying to teach my brain that's the past and not the present and that it's very unlikely to happen again but it's easier said than done takes practise. Although I believe some part of me will always be traumatised by my childhood, I hope at least with time it can be something that's at the back of my mind more and triggers me less.

[@LoveAllCreations]

@@anz10 that's a good point. I'm working on a similar thought. I am learning to re-assess the current situation and to observe that these nasty things aren't happening right here, right now. Like you mentioned, it's a work-in-progress, but I will persevere.

[@BKSF1]

Huh, I actually got the exact same score. Anyways, people like to pretend catastrophes don't happen so that they can pretend they'll never be like the traumatized people they've cast off in the past. I wouldn't worry about that person too much, they're just acting stupid.

[@meetoo2330]

Donna I’m so sad to hear that happened to you. What a horrific thing to go through at such a young age

[@kkly27]

I scored 94. I always thought my problem was just low self esteem/no confidence. I’m 40 and feel that being this way has just made life pass me by. I’ve achieved nothing and have no goals or ambitions. Whenever I do have an idea of something I’d like to do (job-wise) I just keep thinking of everything that I would get wrong and how I’d end up upsetting people and it completely puts me off. I do work but I’d like to find something more fulfilling. I’m not unintelligent, so I know deep down I could do better, but I just seem to be prone to self-sabotage. I also have real trouble with my concentration and have a million things going on in my head all the time. It’s exhausting.

[@henrysilkysmooth]

This really resonates with me, too… 😮‍💨

[@dacksonflux]

Seek help! You are worth it! Look at me... You are worth helping.

[@cocoajam2626]

Just getting through the day/year is an accomplishment. I bet there is at least one person in the world who thinks you're great. The way you express yourself here makes me feel like you are far smarter than you see yourself. I don't know you, but I feel for you just from a paragraph. I hope you heal.

[@terrieknight3530]

I hear you. Same same for me. ❤️

[@JustSaralius]

I relate a lot! ❤ We can make progress little by little, if we remind ourselves of what gives us drive and passion. And if we can learn to dare to fail and do what we want anyway. Possibly the hardest part...

[@johnbunting7854]

The comments in the thread are just beautiful, aaand my heart aches for each one of your experiences. I feel so much in common with all the things said here, your comments are like a mirror reflecting my own image (how I think/behave) back it me, it's scary. Come to think of it, it's also strange how as I read I can hold so much empathy for each of you (and your symptoms) and yet I find it excruciating to send some of that same love to my self. Oh how there's much rewiring to be done - it feels slow and painful, hope comes and goes, and yet each one of us has not given up! If you read this and are feeling your life has been hijacked by your traumatic experiences - I Honour You. I am in awe of your strength. Well done for making it this far! Feeling encouraged to trust that the healing we all desperately need will come! Patrick Teahan you are a blessing!

[@Jay-mh8my]

Bless you Warrior x

[@jameshetfield5894]

Thank you for your openness, it's beautiful and I hear myself in your words

[@jdprettynails]

These quizzes are really eye-opening. I have a hard time admitting to myself that I was raised in a toxic or abusive environment, but when I look at the results....I got 90. It's not healthy to be on this constant high alert at all times. Because of my intense need to not displease those around me, I often end up in uncomfortable or dangerous situations. I end up miserable and my friends are baffled "Why didn't you just say no?" Saying "no" either doesn't cross my mind, or brings such intense anxiety that it's not an option.

[@Romanticoutlaw]

I can relate. Recently though I've started practicing at telling people "no, thank you", without creating some narrative for why I can't or don't want to do something, as an experiment--just to see that it can be done and won't result in my instant demise and my relationships won't break down. And it's been great! I honestly recommend trying it, it's a huge confidence boost. Start small, with people you feel safe with, turning down small, unimportant things

[@jdprettynails]

@@Romanticoutlaw Just...."No, thank you" on its own....no explanation. It sounds both simple and terrifying to me! :D

[@Romanticoutlaw]

@@jdprettynails it's terrifying at first! But it's like magic, too. I actually found it can be easier to use on strangers first, because they're less likely to hit you with the "aww come on!"; you have no obligation to them. Do I want to get the next biggest size of popcorn for just fifty cents? No thank you! The real trick is doubling down when you *do* get to someone who "aw c'mon"s you, _especially_ if they're used to you either coming up with a reason or caving. If they persist, you can give them the only reason you NEED: "I don't want to, but thanks!" This can be practiced with mock conversations with someone you trust, where you can ask them to play it out with you. Once you unlock the ability to just continue giving the "no thank you!" it only gets easier, though! And I don't even feel _mean_ when I say it so politely, that's the best part. If you give it a try, good luck, I believe in you!

[@jdprettynails]

@@Romanticoutlaw I'm not quite ready to use it on my mum....she's like, final boss level. But I'll try it with my partner and friends first and see how I go. :)

[@hellohi7972]

80, I’m 18 and I just realized during quarantine how f’d up the family dynamics in my household are. years of walking on eggshells around my mother and trying to manage my younger siblings to make sure we didn’t make her blow her lid. it didn’t really work, though, because she’s so unpredictable. I’m still hesitant to call it emotional abuse because it’s not as bad, but I still worry about what the baseline of constant anxiety for 10+ years has done to me. I’m chronically depressed and suicidal. realizing that I might have childhood trauma really let me see everything in a different light.

[@RaspberryOats]

Hello -- I'm 28 and scored an 81 -- just wanted to say I have been through something similar with my mom. It's so painful the more you realize the pain you carry because of your mom, but now is the time to start learning to love yourself and working on self care. You deserve it. Be kind to yourself :) Take care.

[@nikiepunt8631]

Hi- I’m 40 and scored a 61 today. I have a narc mom too. Went no contact with her and made her feel like it was her decision to break with me. Best thing I could’ve done for myself.. it’s self love you need to practice I agree. Everyone deserves love.. good luck to you both and to us all. 🍀🕊❤️

[@nicoleelston6987]

I’m 23 and scored a 75, and had a very similar experience growing up. I lived with my parents and younger sibling for a year during quarantine, and I really feel for you. I struggled for so long denying that I had trauma, because I knew my mom wanted the best for me, even though she fostered an unpredictable and unsafe environment. I’m keeping you in my thoughts! Try to find a good therapist and allow yourself to grieve the childhood you didn’t get to have. ❤️❤️

[@casualviewer_]

I hope things get better for you and your siblings. Don't downplay your abuse because it might now seem "as bad." Abuse is abuse, period. You can recognize that some things are abusive, while others are not, and learn from them and cope with them. You got this!

[@seir323]

Don't deny yourself help, if you think your trauma's 'not as bad' as others' abuse. I legit thought this for a lot of my life, and it was only talking to my therapist, and her saying 'that's incredibly hard/traumatic to go through, I'm sorry' that I realized it wasn't normal. I'm glad you're seeing things in a new light, and hope you are healing.

[@MissDrea14_]

95, and yup it’s exhausting. My mom was very unpredictable!

[@MsBlackIntrovert]

Mine too

[@nikiepunt8631]

Unpredictable or narcissistic? Mine was a full blown narc and I was the scapegoated child. So I know where my hypervigilant tendencies come from. Unpredictability is sometimes a sign of narcissism..

[@MissDrea14_]

@@nikiepunt8631 oh she’s most definitely a narcissist! And I’m the scapegoated child as well...she gaslighted me a lot, so I believed for a long time that I was the problem, but I’ve now accepted 100% that it’s definitely her!

[@kjlee8399]

Same...

[@user-ll9nu8fb7j]

I scored in the high 80s and my situation is exhausting. 95! God bless you I’m sorry you had to go though that.

[@bethmoore7722]

I scored a 61. Kind of high. I have CPTSD, and my siblings and I are all pretty damaged. It’s only been over the past fifteen years that I realized how objectively bad the abuse was. I appreciate these videos, as I’m kind of isolated, not entirely by choice, so this and other channels have been a lifeline, keeping me on the tentative equilibrium I maintain.

[@letsgoBrandon204]

Wow. I scored 92. I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me. That other people were simply more capable and strong, and that I was pathetic. I still feel pathetic to be living with my parents at 37. I've been seeking therapy for Social Anxiety Disorder. It's life consuming. I could write an essay about this, but I don't think that's a good idea for a YT comment

[@ashleybursch2804]

write the essay-I’ll read it

[@thesensitiveowl]

Me too!

[@lisanelke9726]

I would love to read your essay too!! 🙏💖🙂

[@pattiehh913]

your description so mirrors that of my nephew, really down to the t. i hope i can persuade him to start looking at patricks videos. my sister his mom patrols him pretty closely, im careful not to "interfere" with his own therapy... or with their relationship, shes jealous of my relationship with him, we have much in common... wishing you hope help and healing

[@theruminator7419]

64. Now I'm being hyper-vigilant whether I was completely honest about my answers. Yikes!

[@nikiepunt8631]

Hahahahhahaha me too! Am I looking at this in perspective? Yes my own 😨. Do I see it clearly? I could just level it down because I have blindspots. 😰.. if I did see it clearly would I be in this mess? 😱😱😱 So yeah... it’s a doozy 😂🤣😂😂😂 Clearly a lot to learn and a lot proces 😂🤣😂😂😅

[@julissa6715]

Omg!!!!!! This sounds like me

[@lakitacovington7677]

Same here....

[@Kas_Styles]

Same

[@delaneyfayce]

Lmao same!!! Second guessing each number I chose lol

[@MagellanMG]

my score is 89, my mother was/is extremely critical of everyone around me, even though she doesn't direct it toward me, it still affects me.

[@avaford9092]

I scored 97... Averaging 4.85... not sure how normal this is

[@Lucifronz]

88 for me. I was expecting the results would be rather high, but I didn't like how many times I was answering "5". Even the number going up made me feel a tiny bit of anxiety, if only for a moment. I was less fortunate in that regard, too. I've heard my mother talking behind my back more than once. It was something I always suspected as I got older, that she said things about me when I wasn't around, but didn't make me feel better knowing I was right. At first it was just her making up lies about things I said to make her opinions more credible or make her stories more interesting, but eventually she'd say something negative a little too loud and think I don't have ears like a hawk. And I never forget anything negative that's said about me or done towards me. Never. I'm adding that tally up far more often than this test.

[@indiracamotim2858]

Don’t we know about THAT ?!??!? If she had a 5 second pause when she asked about my children and I’d say that all is well…I would literally have a resentment attack well up inside of me because I would begin to feel her critical self mulling around for something caustic to say. Or she’d just say, “Hmmmm, ok…” Terrible thing it is.

[@CelinaAllik]

89 aswell.. both of my parents are an anxious mess. i cant live my life like this

[@lolme97]

I'm on a similar boat too. My count was 85, I wasn't expecting it that high, but I can't say I'm surprised. I've been critically criticized so much even my gifts, the way I do things, and behavior towards others gets critiqued.

[@MaleneWithoutR]

72, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and recently also avoidant personality disorder with some borderline traits. I’ve been doing a lot of research into trauma as it’s extremely hard to find a good therapist in my area, and I’m starting to realize just how many of my problems now, stem from childhood trauma

[@kirstinstrand6292]

Yes, those childhood dysfunctional families! There is the tendency to gloss over our childhood memories, making them wonderful instead of hurtful, sad and lonely. Instead, we lie to ourselves to avoid the emotional distress. We CAN get out of this box!

[@neeedGems]

72 here w/ADHD and HSP

[@HereComesKarma]

@@neeedGems me too with HSP and ADHD and severe anxiety. I scored an 87 😮

[@yukiandkanamekuran]

here with DID, ADHD and OCD. Got an 82 this time. I knew it would be higher because Ive become more aware of shit in my life and I'm not downplaying it anymore.

[@lisanelke9726]

I ask you heavenly Father to provide a good trauma therapist for this person, same as You did for me. I have been in therapy since 1987 and I have experienced much healing from childhood abuse and adulthood abuse and not even thinking I'm human and deserve the same basic things as other human beings. 🙏💖😭

[@smithcook1]

I scored 72. My big problem is that I often have people telling me not to worry and that nothing is wrong. Then I feel a lack of support for my anxiety and end up hiding it so as not to offend or feel shamed. I dislike the therapies such as Albert Ellis RET which teach you how to "get rid" of or "control" your anxiety. It seems to me that such an approach stigmatizes the person by suggesting that it is irrational or wrong to get upset. I don't mind getting upset. I see Bebe's idea that not to worry/question would be heaven. I think being accepted and not rejected would be heaven. My husband was great. (Sadly he passed away a few years ago.) He would always say, "You don't have to worry," and then he didn't get upset. I didn't trigger him. He was triggered himself by lots of things. I catered to him. What was nice was that he accepted me and needed me-despite my hypervigilance. I guess a lot of people do, now that I come to think about it. Still, I can be annoying.

[@minomushi9392]

I scored 96. I've struggled a lot in the past with self harm, self loathing, eating disorders etc. I just really hate myself. Every day I interact with my family and coworkers (no friends) and I feel like such an imposter; like they're normal people with healthy relationships and I'm just some toxic little goblin trying to be a part of it all.

[@theabristlebroom4378]

I hate myself too. But...I don't want to feel like this. I want to love myself, and I've started trying to change my mind. I hope you try also. gentle hugs if you want them.

[@ari-ko3pb]

i scored 95 and its like i wrote this myself.

[@dasiamay2324]

Can we all seriously make a group chat 😭 I feel like being able to talk about this stuff w/ other people who struggle in the same way would be so helpful

[@TickingClocks]

All of this but especially the last line. I don't feel human, just a robot or alien going through the motions and trying to pass as a regular flesh and blood person. I wish I could be normal so bad it hurts.

[@misspriss2482]

Yes. I find myself holding people at arm's length because I'm terrified that they'll find out just how messed up I am. It's impossible to have a romantic relationship when you feel such constant shame at the mess that your life is.

[@maggiesolomonides3975]

Patrick, your kind nature makes it easier for me to watch videos on these topics and to be more open to exploring difficult topics. Thank you.

[@mightylore]

83. I'm so glad that you are producing these videos for people like me. I am 41 years old and I continue to suffer daily from the unhealed pain of my childhood. Thank you so much for providing us with these helpful resources. It is also a comfort to know that I am not alone even if it might feel like I am.

[@theorycow]

Love the 20 seconds of just random boat footage at the beginning.

[@TiOnemorename]

Me jumping when the one guy walked close to the camera was a spoiler for my score 😅😮

[@crazydragy4233]

I wondered if this was some sort of test, then after it continued if I clicked on the wrong video haha

[@youngjc05]

I'm so hypervigilant that I thought it was going to be part of the test, and we'd be quizzed after. 🙄

[@ZanetaW]

I genuinely scanned through the boat footage with my cursor on the time bar bc I thought there was gonna be a jumpscare lol

[@jenniferpeterson1338]

Boston Harbor, sigh...

[@starlingswallow]

I spent years scared of checking our mail, scared of checking our online banking, scared 24/7 regarding back taxes, scared of my ex's rage. I was simmering in low anxiety constantly and I kept thinking this has got to be really hard on my heart muscle and body...the constant random spikes in adrenaline dumping into my bloodstream.... not good. I've been out just about 2 years and peace finally reigns!

[@sunstone4jac]

Lnq

[@hauterebel1908]

80 When I go to visit my daughter for a couple weeks, I worry about what is in the mail. It's the first thing I check when I get home. Online banking: check, back taxes: check, my reaction to my husband's gaslighting: double check!

[@pithyparty6145]

Me too!! Exhausting and causes muscle pain!!!

[@indiracamotim2858]

Enjoy yourself, Starling Swallow. I know how that feels. Waiting to get out.

[@MagellanMG]

OMG I am always nervous when I check my bank account, whats that about??

[@nekuzumaki]

I got 55. makes me happy watching there's some questions that 2 or 3 years ago I would put a high score. Now I can see how much I was working and becoming better even if I still have a way to go.makes me happy and gives relief seen how much I get better

[@ishouldbesleeping1354]

I’m in physical pain and mental anguish. Some days are worse and overall it’s all getting worse with age. It’s taught me compassion and listening to folks like you help me accept myself with GAD, and open my eyes how many of us out here are suffering OCD and Gad and so on. We need each other to withstand the storm of rouge nervous energy. I appreciate you!

[@chrisholzhauer3698]

79. Weirdly feeling shame about it, didn't want to post at all but seeing the other comments of people in similar situations are encouraging.

[@VK-uh5jz]

Shame seems to be a big part of this kind of life. What a shame! 😂 the worst part is how we r taught to self inflict this shame that we don't deserve! This test is showing me that I've been too hard on myself. And it's highlighting where a lot of my stress in everyday life is sprouting from on some levels. I couldn't put my finger on it before but this 'hyper vigilance' thing makes a lot of sense.

[@Sophia-ix2ri]

I’ve been tackling my trauma hardcore in therapy over the last few years. I scored 65, but found myself saying “better than it was” for a lot of them, so I retook the test as I felt years ago rather than today. I got 81. So for everyone who scores high, remember there’s hope for relief.

[@jadie1272]

I've been in therapy for YEARS, today I scored 80 on the dot. I know it would have been a little bit higher a year ago. I've grown so much. I'm excited to see where I am 2 years from now. Taking healing seriously works wonders! Im glad you're doing better now a days! I look forward to knowing what 65 is like one day!

[@charlenevanwinkle2943]

I was about to type out something similar and saw your comment. About 5 years ago it would have been way higher score, but today I was at 73. It would have been in the low 90's before. Trauma counseling has helped me tremendously! My trauma was from 30 years ago too.

[@Chris-tg3qy]

@@charlenevanwinkle2943 Mine was 49, but it would have been much higher years ago. I had a critical father, but I feel most of my abuse came from a ridiculously stressful job that would audit our work each month. Even if you were a seasoned employee with 30 years, your work was audited and the audits could be very nitpicky. Not a good environment when you have consistently changing procedures and systems.

[@indiracamotim2858]

@@Chris-tg3qy - I scored 46 but I heard myself saying, “There’s been so much improvement there.” I would have definitely hit a 5 on some if the answers that I put down as a 2 ! I have been doing healing work for two years now. Have a narcissist mom, narcissist husband and had narcissist co-workers that began to leave as I healed. I am no contact with my mom and my husband after I learnt to say NO and finally said it to their faces. It’s been some journey but the change is incredible and the healing is finally beginning to clear so much repressed anger too. Good luck on your journey !

[@charlenevanwinkle2943]

@@Chris-tg3qy My trauma came from emotional abuse/neglect as a infant. Then at age 4 when my brother was killed by our mom and I found my brothers body. That was 30 years ago.

[@emeseh993]

I scored 54, I added the higher numbers even in the cases what Im aware and in control if thanks to therapy. Because I think I will always have these thoughts just I can calm myself faster and faster when they come. I have a technique: my manager answered to me in an impatient way and I immediately fall into shame. Instead of listening music or turn my attention away I closed my eyes, put my hand on my chest and I let myself experience this shame. I noticed the physical symptoms like gut wrenching feeling and increases heartbeat. After I tried to talk myself like a parent would talk to a child: “You have this feeling, because you learnt from your mother that your value is changing based on your actions and you are not loveable as you are. You didnt learn that mistakes are the part of life and they wont fire you because of this thing. You know your manager, he talked about his anxious personality before and he goes on vacation in 2 days, probably he just would like to close all open projects until that, it was not about you”. Its such an amazing practice I learnt from a therapist and it gave me a huge relief! The bad feeling passed and not because I ignored but because I took care of myself.

[@mirafilipovic5162]

Thanks for sharing; very useful texhnique!

[@SandiTink]

For me, hypervigilance was about desperately trying to anticipate what was coming next from my mother. Whenever I relaxed and lost my focus on her, I risked regretting it later after dealing with something unexpected from her that I wasn’t prepared to deal with. I still never can relax completely.

[@jacobwarren2264]

73 :| I guess that explains why, in some ways, I felt at peace during quarantine. I do realize there are benefits to stepping outside of my comfort zone, too... it's a daily battle between my triggers and my career goals.

[@IAMNArtGirl]

Same feelings here about quarantine! It has actually made it even easier for me to isolate by having so many options for ordering meals, having groceries delivered, etc. The isolation did not affect me as severely as it did others who were used to being amongst “the public” every day. The disadvantage is that I am finding myself even more reluctant to get out there after so many months of “not being allowed” to be out.

[@whyohwhy9679]

Quarantine was peaceful for me too. I know it was really hard for other people though so I kept my feelings to myself. But now I am having a hard time getting back out there.

[@themaggattack]

I was in Quarentine with my daughter, so I still had to kind of get out there and socialize for her sake. Had to take her to the park and make sure she could Zoom with her friends and stuff. Just because I want to be isolated it isn't fair to make her be isolated, too. I would have rather just been almost totally left alone, though.

[@deprivedoftrance]

Some problem where the official solution actually is to STAY HOME and AVOID PEOPLE is like a dream, in spite of some various other challenges 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Indeed, it has been VERY challenging to want to go out.

[@emmabrown5787]

@@deprivedoftrance Agree, 2020 was amazing for me. I'm really struggling with things going back to "normal"

[@thepowerofgodandanime2691]

You see my mom would always say things like “don’t act like that, what would other people think if you acted like that and they see you were my kid” she was making that about herself, or just whenever she’s annoyed she makes it as obvious as possible so sometimes she has low stress tolerance. Of course whenever that happens I always think I did something wrong or that she was just tired of me, did NOT do well for me in the future. Might also be the reason why I don’t like teachers since most of the ones had would always say “if you all kept acting like that outside school grounds people will see you’re from this school and that wouldn’t be nice to look at” And I realized all of this just now, even the littlest actions can do so bad on a kid

[@dorksplorer]

"Children should be seen and not heard." That was a phrase said repeatedly to me as a child. As a middle-aged adult, I'm seeing things that were taught to me as a child in a new light. Best of luck on your journey of self-healing!

[@itsalorikatpnw]

I got 85. And I'm basically always tired unless I'm only doing what I want and only hanging out with who I want. And I can definitely say that my hypervigilance is pretty bad. It's probably the hardest thing I have to deal with regarding my CPTSD. It's my hypervigilance that keeps me self isolating and that's the worst part of it, it keeps me disconnected and I'm naturally an ambivert so the extroverted side of me hates it. The introverted side is just tired

[@am_foucault]

Woof, a whopping 97. I have known about CPTSD for a bit now. Def on the beginning of my healing journey, but I am so thankful that folks in the professional fields are turning around to this and folks in general are just sharing so much information about it. This is how we collectively heal.

[@maryannmckinney4592]

88-For me, I never realized until a few years ago that I wasn't supposed to be responsible for how other people reacted (especially family)! Most of the questions on here feel that way to me like, isn't that how its supposed to be? Very eye opening!

[@TheNadiabear]

Mary Ann McKinney, I hear ya, me too with 83 and I am chilling out today.

[@zenab8682]

Wait what?!? I never heard it put like that. Not responsible for how other people react…omg…….

[@anneschmidt9587]

Also an 88, just stumbled on this video. Loved the way he defined hypervigilence

[@Elya08]

Got a score of 75, after over a year of trauma therapy… 😬 I didn’t know I wasn’t responsible for others emotions/reactions. I’m 30 years old and just learning this. Trauma sucks.

[@brainfizz1324]

Everybody is responsible for their own feelings and how they communicate about those feelings. You are not responsible for knowing everything, you are not responsible for fixing everything. Remember: Healing is never painless, and physical systems like the nervous system take longer to adapt to change. Be patient with yourself; much love to all.

[@laerrus]

This is why I consume THC so frequently. So I'm not hypervigelent all the time. It is exhausting.

[@julissa6715]

I feel like THC makes me even more hypervigilant

[@CamiDiscerns]

THC makes me even more vigilant and I feel way more intensely.

[@MyPeriwinkleSkies]

me too! in the past alcohol has given me panic attacks, but a nice indica strain and/or CBD really helps take the edge off of everything

[@holistichealingbytiamat1832]

Yeah I can actually laugh and be a human I mean I'm still hyperviggilant but I share my thoughts and feelings with others so at least they know why I'm walking around joining the end of the queue and leaving and not maintaining social distance... Because I never know if I'm in the right place or if I should stand there or if I'm being too loud etc wtc

[@-Oddish-]

I wish THC worked for me like that still, used to melt away my problems, now it makes everything much worse

[@StormyAfterDark]

Thank you for your video. You described what I have been going through my whole life perfectly. I was abused from different people from 2 years old until 30 years old. I am now retired. My therapist told me that my mother used me as a scapegoat to take the abuse to protect my half-brother. When I was married he was severely abusive to me. My therapist also told me I am hypervigilant with CPTSD. I don't like going into places where there are crowds of people. I can take a cab somewhere where I need to be, like a doctor appointment, or grocery shopping. But loud male voices and quick movements from people trigger me to leave or become anxious. I stopped driving a few years ago and donated my car to a charity. I love my dogs, and I avoid all social situations because I’ve sabotaged all my previous relationships and have poor judgement of people. When I am alone, in my apartment or outside when there are very few people around, I am completely relaxed and happy. I actually enjoyed when covid happened because there were no people walking, or driving outside when I was riding my bike back and forth to work and walking my dogs. I enjoy ordering everything online, including my groceries now. I scored a 92.

[@pineappleagent1]

75, I’ve been working on my self acceptance and struggling not to make other people’s moods my responsibility. I’ve made improvements over the years but this kind of gave me an idea of what I need to work on next.

[@ashleybursch2804]

I got 85, same here!

[@amypola5903]

My siblings called me mother Amy not because I was caring for them but because I put so much energy into trying to manage their behavior so it didn't upset our mother. Even as an adult living with my parents I had to know what everyone was doing and where they were at all times so I could gauge the situation, anticipate what the day or next few hours would be like. If I didn't know I would go looking for them to find out so I could know what to expect.

[@ajrwilde14]

wow that's awful

[@kimberlyceulemans6015]

Omg- me too! Not the exact situation as yours. But I am quite a 'control freak' as I need to know what I can expect 😅

[@kjlee8399]

Wow.. you have described me..

[@mimibatman2787]

I so relate! I'm also the oldest and until quite recently could almost go into a panic over a younger sibling worrying that something was terribly wrong. How much of it is our childhood and how much is the general state of the world (dangers that we can't protect people from)? Things are a lot better now that my siblings are older. They are now safer and more cautious with maturity.

[@IAMNArtGirl]

Yes, yes, yes!

[@Etoac]

77 - I think my hypervigilance exhausts me quite a lot. In the evenings I usually crave for some time on my own without external input (to be hypervigilant about) to calm down...

[@nikiepunt8631]

Me too.. I’m avoiding ppl for days sometimes.. not good..

[@almasworld7527]

I scored an 87, 20 years old. Was sleeping on my friend’s floor most of last year, faced really living on the street more than once. Accidentally moved into a creepy man’s house then back out. Accidentally moved into a scary lady’s house. I survived and I finally am living with amazing roommates and I also have friends and am working towards my dreams. I feel like it could be days away that my life changes for the better. I’m really scared God is going to take everything away from me again and just make me suffer. I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best I really am. Working, trying to doordash and having problems to my car. Spent more money working than I made. I’m scared but I feel better typing this. I feel bad when I think about death. Sometimes I get so tired it’s odd to me because I like to uplift people and be inspiring but this is hard. I don’t know why this is so hard. It makes me angry and sad and I feel very small sometimes and I just feel like if things were different no one would have to live so hard.

[@EmmaSuprema888]

I scored 80. I would definitely have scored over 90 a few years ago. Thanks to my life coach who also has fought childhood trauma, I’ve moved forward a little. It feels like a huge step forward after years of just standing still, feeling paralyzed by fear and shame. Thanks Patrick, these videos are invaluable for those of us who can’t afford therapy ❤️

[@TvTriangel]

My score is 85, I was always viewed as mature, self assured, and prepared for everything. I'm currently 23 and all of my repressed trauma is starting to come back and bite me with double the force. Emotionally neglected, raised by my siblings till I was 11 and was home alone after that because my parents were always working, I never got over the loss of my grandfather, alcoholic father, almost homeless at some point, saw somebody die, becoming a care giver to my father at 18 and since then he has given me more trauma than one can imagine without ever laying a hand on me.

[@bygraceonly182]

Hugs and a prayer for you friend.

[@sophiajones9137]

Not in an exact but I relate to so much of this. Caregiver to parent too. And I’m 22 and will always be trying to get over my grandpa the one person who showed me healthy love and care. You are not alone ;/ hope you find joy among it all

[@sophiajones9137]

Also the parent is also a alcoholic who’s healthy caught up to them when I was 18

[@hobocode]

you sound like me. be careful... not to overwork your body. the toxic stress means that you can't burn the candle on both ends for very long. try to find an easy life. I was all, "I WANNA SAVE THE WORLD AND JOIN THE PEACE CORPS" and shit. But it bit me in the ass, hard. Body keeps the score. Be good to yours if you're able. It's really effing tough when it's gone. And it's common for people like us to have our bodies just.... give up. Digestion, headaches, fatigue, mobility, etc. It all goes. I'm only 35. Bedridden. Went from athlete and high acheiver to housebound and bedridden. Be kind to your body if you can.

[@sammylove14]

I put like not because I like this but because I feel I can relate to some of the things you said and it definitely feels good to relate to others when I usually do not. I also was raised by my siblings because my mom worked too much but I just wanted to tell you I hope you do not feel alone. I wish we could all find community of like minded people to turn to for support.

[@deren2001]

77, This is one of the reasons why I avoid social situations and relationships as much as I can. Its draining me

[@CertifiedUser14]

I scored 55. My levels of hypervigilance seem to fluctuate and lately they've been higher. Some situations can really trigger something in me, and living with my parents makes me cave in a bit more.

[@deathismyown]

I have complex PTSD. I never had the word of this background program I have running in my brain. I tried to describe it to my therapist but it's been very difficult. Thank you for giving me the vocabulary; I can't wait to discuss this concept with them!

[@whatiyam]

This is one test I didn't want 100% on. 🥺

[@speaktruth9989]

Oh finally I was scrolling through the comment section to find someone else who got 100% took me a while but I found you.

[@dawnmerritt8713]

WOW!! 73... I guess I'm more than a little high strung... The more I heal, the more trauma I realize I've endured, and the more damage I realize the pain caused :(

[@soapybagle]

Same score for me too

[@Elya08]

Mine’s close to y’all’s, at 75. I wonder what it would’ve been last year before I started trauma therapy. Lol 😆 I had a complete emotional and mental breakdown, so doubt I could’ve taken the test at all, I was that burnt out from trauma.

[@PinkeeRach]

Scored a 72, which is definitely lower than even a year or 2 ago. Recognizing my childhood trauma for what it is/was has been huge over the last few months, and other work (sobriety, therapy, life coaching, etc) had to preceed the trauma work for me. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and resources! 💜

[@mr.guydude]

Thank you so much, Patrick! You are really helping me work out tons of unresolved trauma and terrible programming. I just want you to know, that you are a treasure and gift to humanity.

[@jordanoliver8429]

92, and i feel like i’m a lot more relaxed than i used to be... yikes.

[@ohfuckmytittyfellouttt]

92 and same some of these I answered lower because I’ve been to therapy for three years now but my score was full really high T_T

[@dianatotos9324]

Same

[@rinavonperl1980]

92 too. i assumed that i just functioned fine at the moment. well probably not...

[@danherrick5785]

Being alittle older than me, do we grow up by 80 or 85?

[@babykakers321]

I got 89 and same. definitely 100 as a child

[@SoulRamen]

52. Years ago I’m sure I would have scored around 80 or so but I’ve come to start understanding that I’m not perfect and neither is anyone else, so I’ve grown a lot in 5 years time

[@theverdanthare]

I scored a 96. I often wondered why I ended up crashing a lot and being unable to keep up with housework or my job (freelance artist). Often I was screamed at for being lazy in my 20's by my family for being unable to keep up with things. Now I'm realising at 33, I'm not lazy, I'm burning all my energy on survival mode. If anything, I'm doing really well getting what I need to done. Definitely think its time I try to find a therapist though because I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. Thank you so much for your videos; they've really helped me see myself in a new light

[@twoinchego]

I remember being a kid and trying to tell my mom she makes me feel bad about myself. I’m not sure what her exact response was- I know it was something along the lines of her saying that it was awful for me to say that. I didn’t bring it up again and I just internalized that it was my fault for feeling bad and being the way I was. I scored a 92.

[@jomess7879]

i scored high, but I also got bullied a lot and have had numerous friends abandon me. I am also a self defense instructor and so situational awareness is a big part of how I think. Only the first thing I notice about people is whether or not something is in their hands.

[@cjlive5182]

U have realistic vigilance in my book

[@vladimirerfan7721]

It’s great you’ve found a job that suits your personality.

[@sushigivesmelife2131]

I definitely relate to how hypervigilance makes you always anxious, unable to relax and exhausted. I never realized it until therapy

[@SparklyPsychic]

I got a 52, i am so grateful for all the healing i have done with myself to get to this place

[@xsivikz7521]

I scored a 92 I often feel guilty when I watch these videos because I’ve always felt like I had a great childhood but my trauma was very subtle and roundabout thank you for this. I’m seriously considering talking with my therapist about the possibility of childhood ptsd

[@yin9647]

My mother was hypercritical of everything I did and after the divorce when it was just my dad, my brother, and me, I was forced into a semi parental figure in the household. I was always asked to consider my younger brother’s feelings & needs over my own and to be very adaptable and understanding even though I was only 4 years older than him. I think that’s where it came from for me, tbh.

[@cassandrabuitron427]

My mom inherited bad Misophonia from her father, who was abusive to her and her siblings if they ever made noise he didn't like. She passed it down to us, and I've spent years healing from and dealing with my own sound triggers and ensuing anxiety. Thank you

[@saphirefoxirl]

I got 61. Then I felt anxious about posting this because I started worrying people would respond negatively!

[@derpderplul]

I scored 98. I grew up fundamentalist Christian and it got to the point where I didn’t think my own thoughts were safe because I would walk up in hell. Nothing was ever good enough for my parent. And I learned that anything that made me happy was stupid. I can’t do any of my jobs properly because of fear of upsetting someone. When I rightfully put my foot down I feel ashamed for hours. I hate this so much. I just want to operate without feeling like everything I do is wrong.

[@juanitarichards1074]

Dealing with an abusive narc half sister, and 18,000 abusive texts in 2 years......I stopped checking my emails for months at a time and missed some very important legal communications. I was filled with dread at the very thought of having to read them. And when I knew I had to have dealings with the person, my anxiety would be so high I would get diarrhea every time. My guts would be swirling....

[@free2beme773]

I have blocked both sisters from calls and texts. It was wonderful . Now I have auto-filtered their emails to a place I can’t see them until ready to check them once a week. It is taking strength to break the addiction of checking for them, but I’m getting stronger and not letting them ruin everyday of my life. I am working toward blocking them entirely from seeing me on social media, and hope someday to go no contact. That will be a great day. Maybe you could do the same? I had no idea I was so hypervigilent. Contact with them just revs it up.

[@indiracamotim2858]

@@free2beme773 - sounds like what I did with my mom. If she just as much as had a 2 second pause after asking me a question about my children and my replying, everything inside me would turn upside down and inside out and I would begin to feel the resentment and angry feelings rising up. So, I stopped calling and all WhatsApp messages. No contact with her and no contact with my husband who is her in a man’s body 😂😂😂😂😂. Sorry, it’s not a laughing matter but that brought up the thought of the times that these two would meet - they couldn’t stand each other !!!!

[@free2beme773]

@@indiracamotim2858 I totally understand! It's all incredibly sad and totally crazy-making. We have to get rid of the somatic stress in our bodies as best we can while we try to get out of the abuse and work on how to heal.

[@indiracamotim2858]

@@free2beme773 - please check out Peter Levine’s work on overcoming trauma. It might interest you and also help. I wish you the best on your onward journey 💕🌺🌸💜🌺💕

[@tissuepaper9962]

Holy shit that's 60 texts a day.

[@samkim9639]

It's weird that when I was hyperventilating, trying to calm myself down and opened KZbin, this video was on my recommended. Thank you for your videos. My family folks are the type who think that therapy is for the weak and don't help me or encourage me to seek it. Your videos made me more self aware about my traumas and I hope I get adequate therapy soon.

[@crazydragy4233]

Hope you find strength to continue your journey forward!

[@insertnamehere9309]

Sending hugs. We believe in you!

[@joysarahc7437]

Try eft tapping for anxiety! Its a form of self therapy.

[@elafimilo8199]

You can do it! It will help!

[@heartsockmonkey]

83. I’m not super surprised, but the question that almost made me gasp was “are you afraid of being an imposter”. I constantly have this feeling, even if I’m not even sure what it always means. It felt so validating to hear that being asked. Going to bring this up in my next therapy session. Thank you for all of your amazing content!

[@heatherwhatever7714]

Yes. It has not always been bad. It saved my life and my kid’s lives. I know there have been freedoms not available in my life. I am now sleeping better than I ever have. For me, that says it all.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

I used to be so hypervigilant and tense I couldn't even walk naturally. I was like a robot striding along. I was always on the alert for grateful explosions from my father or my mother's temper tantrums. My body was encased with tension which was a defense for minimizing the pain of extreme anxiety. In looking over the survey I see I would now rate as being almost normal or average. Learning martial arts rally helped me deal with the issue of violence. Beyond that I collected autogenic methods of relaxation. I earned a degree in philosophy which helped me replace the worldviews of my family with something better. So I know it is possible to largely overcome being hypervigilant. But it was a lot of work and required many, many steps. However I have a startle response worthy of a combat vet hardwired in.

[@whyohwhy9679]

I have thought about learning martial arts to deal with the anger encased in my ongoing physical tension. I'm glad to hear it helped you.

[@jenifernadeau]

That's so great to hear..🙏🙏🙏

[@polinanikulina]

I just imitated different people’s gait, fashion, accents, tone of voice, and anything else as I was too anxious and tense to be myself. The rest of my energy went to being perfect at everything I did, and analyzing my surroundings for early signs of trouble. Now I haven’t a clue of who I am, or how to be relaxed around people. Second time in therapy, this time for trauma, and though I’m less perfectionistic, the anxious scanning is still there.

[@hobocode]

please tell me how you did it. i've heard it called "body armoring" where you are TENSE ALL THE TIME because you're preparing for a punch. it's basically being in "crash position" before an airplane goes down. your entire body never relaxes. I'm even tense in my sleep. I can try to relax my muslces and am able while I focus but the second I let go of that focus, they all tense up. my face, jaw, shoulders, chest, back, stomach, hands, arms, etc. The pain is so severe that I can't walk or move. I can barely get out of bed. So, please don't reccomend vigorous excercise. It's actually considered unhealthy for chronic fatigue syndrome. and i'm just fucking sick and tired of people saying working out will heal everything and therefore all illnesses are caused by the person's lack of working out. my lack of working out DID NOT CAUSE THIS SHIT. So, please do not answer in that style. I was a competitive athlete before I got sick. I am no lazy. And my illness has NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH I DO OR DON"T EXERCISE.

[@maddylou8173]

For some reason I'm so hypervigilant and tense I can't walk naturally. Literally the robot explanation was perfect. It happens only in public or when I know people are watching me. I dont know how to stop it. I just try to calm myself down as much as possible. I sometimes forget to breathe as well and then I'll be panting and my anxiety turns my face red as well and on top of it I take sweating medication because I excessively sweat when I get anxious. I have a lot of social anxiety mixed with hypervigilance AND low self esteem. My mom did have a bad temper growing up but I was never abused. I dont understand where all of this came from. I understand anxiety can be genetics and such, but sheesh. I try to think back to my childhood ages 0-9 and I really dont remember much. It''s hard to find an explanation.

[@mbsimmer]

I love this man so much. Especially his adorable pillow layout hehe.

[@VK-uh5jz]

Haha me too. I didn't notice the pillows til u said that. He's so cute/funny/relatable/gentle.

[@lindavidler433]

That is a comfortable almost symmetrical corner.

[@elizabethmclean5126]

I noticed the pillows right away! I got the same ones same color from amazon

[@divyaanantsri9817]

Damn I just noticed and yes it so adorable

[@chebbohagop]

Scored 83 - I’m 67 and have just started therapy -first timer - for childhood trauma.

[@patriotsfreak83]

Wow just scored a 93. I literally thought I was completely alone and I was the only one suffering. Blows my mind but gives me hope.

[@jacquelinemay8528]

My score was 88. I grew up in a cult like environment, and was constantly being accused of “my actions causing distressing emotions in others” (actually was told that repeatedly in my childhood). I have the combination of both I believe, and was diagnosed with PTSD 6 years ago with hypervigilance being a very prominent symptom. My abuse stemmed from childhood sexual abuse, childhood emotional, verbal, and physical abuse as well. The sexual abuse was from my stepfather and the other abuse was from my grandparents who raised me after my parents divorce when I was 5. I lived with years and years and years of traumatic abuse and only now am feeling stable enough to work on the inner child who has set certain behaviors and actions as well as patterns of thinking as a way of protecting self.

[@singasong785]

90…. Certainly explains why I can’t remember the last time I hadn’t felt dissociated or suicidal in years, props to my parents! But seriously, I wonder what it would be like to live as a person with score of 0. Not having to numb yourself every single second of your life for years to not have hours of breakdown and more numbness and void at any given moment would definitely be amazing.

[@Solonneysa]

I met someone who appears, for all intents and purposes, to be a "0." I've known him for almost 20 years, now. It's unbelievably relaxing, and also a bit odd, to hang out with him. He gives no shits about what people think about him, but he's also very kind. He notices very little. He doesn't dream, or have nightmares; he just sleeps (and I am so damn envious!) I don't think I've ever heard him be judgmental. He's just a happy dude. Living his life. HIs family are also wonderful people. It almost makes me wonder if they're all aliens. If only we could all reach his level of "zen."

[@ac1646]

@@Solonneysa so nicely written, esp 'he just sleeps (and I am so envious).😄 Thank you

[@harveysworks]

After a lot of work, I still dissociate heavily, but finally got rid of the daily suicidal thoughts! There's hope for us all.

[@mirafilipovic5162]

@@Solonneysa Excellent description of 0! Thanks

[@lemonlemon8272]

94. I noticed before that I have issues with overthinking. But I have never thought about my connections to childhood. My single parent put all the responsibility on me and left me when I was bullied. Most of the times she made it worse by blaming me for being bullied. She often got mad at me for even asking for help, assuming that I got fully complete out of the womb with deep knowlage abot everything in life. I feel that my hypervigilance is a way of hiding my true emotions about that time because there was so much pain and shame that I don't know how to handle it. I think I could trust people more if I knee that I won't be shamed for believing wrong person or that I could rely on someone if I got scammed or hurt.

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I do struggle with this but I feel as every year goes by I’m getting better and better. You have to lean into it and let yourself feel the fear/anxiety instead of deny it or hate yourself for it. That takes away its power over you.

[@msstepv539]

Thats a really powerful statement. Thank you for sharing it.

[@JessicaMartinez-sc6tk]

I got 90. I was definitely the emotional care taker of my mom and sister from a very young age, but I also wonder how much of this came from untreated adhd and people's negative criticism of me and my ADHD symptoms. I had to walk on eggshells around my mom for my entire childhood and now whenever my spouse is moody I straight up panic because I always think it's something I did. I really suppress my own emotions too and under react to most things. I didn't even realize I was hyper vigilant until this video. I thought this was normal for everyone.

[@the_koo3151]

Same.

[@grishakaleesh4207]

90/100 and ADHD here, pretty much exactly the same except I have known I was hypervigilant for a LONG TIME. I can't even sleep well. I remember what was said around me while I was asleep. Entire conversations. I am so. F*cking. TIRED.

[@JessicaMartinez-sc6tk]

@@grishakaleesh4207 exactly. How do we even remember what was said about us while we were sleeping in the same room? I have memories of the exact same situation too. Is it just us not even letting our guards down even when we're literally sleeping?

[@grishakaleesh4207]

@@JessicaMartinez-sc6tk Yep, I think that is exactly it.

[@Poodlemama1234]

I’m so sad that I scored 100 on this test, but at least it shows me that I need to do some serious work on myself and explains my constant anxiety, exhaustion and the need I have for solitude. Solitude is my safe place.

[@genocider9782]

damn i hope youre better rn

[@whyohwhy9679]

Hi Holly. I feel exactly the same way. I am on edge even during a 5 minute interaction and exhausted afterward. Most of my life I have just wanted to be left alone. I don't really want this kind of life and I bet you don't either. Here's to hoping we can both find some joy. Best wishes.

[@Poodlemama1234]

@@whyohwhy9679 you poor love. It’s exhausting isn’t it. I’m just so lucky that my husband “gets” me and always tries to help me through social situations. Sending compassion and positive vibes your way x

[@whyohwhy9679]

@@Poodlemama1234 Thank you!

[@themaggattack]

I'm sure I would have also scored 100 a few years ago, too. But I've been doing a lot of counselingvand DBT work and it's been helping. I scored 79. Hopefully as time goes by that number will continue to decrease. And I hope so for you, too.

[@ajtobias6794]

You are spot on in your explanations. Thank you As a child and into most of my adulthood, there has been a feeling of having a camera or a spying implement watching me constantly. When I actually realized that feeling, and now recognize it, i cannot stop it completely.

[@stephda11]

Ugh thank you! wow finding your content is really such a gift!! 😍🙌 I’ve been trying to find a way to continue this trauma work alone/alongside my work with professionals and I’m currently deep into your videos. Seeing good professionals 1:1 tends to get very expensive and they are usually booked out for weeks on end. There is only so much that a 1hr session every 2-8 weeks can do! Thank you for taking this stuff online and so much of it for FREE! It’s so beautiful to think what reducing the barrier to entry for this kind of knowledge could do for people. It’s been truely so positively life changing for me and those impacts have spilled over to so many around me too.💕

[@jooneemoon]

yep, 84 and I'm so aware that I am constantly on the look out for the threat. Always trying to manage to avoid intrusion, hurt or doing the 'wrong' thing. As a child I was trained to 'measure up or else': constant emotional abuse and, at times actual physical abuse. I'm a survivor but with a lot of damage. Survival is not enough, I would like to be able to feel that I am thriving and that I am welcome in the world.

[@sandyg3772]

Sarah, it will come. Today marks 8 years of therapy for me. For the past 3 weeks I've had to see my therapist twice a week. However, I AM starting to feel more at ease in the world. And there are moments when I could say I am thriving. Not as much as I would like to, but the moments have started to manifest. Don't give up. You will get there. That day will come for all of us.

[@Lauren-pt3gz]

I got 84 too yikes 🤦🏻‍♀️

[@joodsterr]

Stumbled upon this video, took the test and got a nice low score of 36 (or 1.8 average). If I had taken this test back when I was a teenager I would've DEFINITELY scored much much higher. This test serves as concrete proof that I've come a long way since those days, and I'm proud of myself for overcoming those challenges!

[@veccnya1840]

I'm not surprised I got 91. I really appreciate these videos. I've been getting help with my mental health recently as an adult and I find childhood trauma and attachment styles help verify that I have been hurt and I am worthy enough for treatment and time to heal.

[@beanski.7250]

93. I’m in my mid 30s and starting to unpack a lot of buried stuff that I didn’t realize was childhood trauma. My obsession with being afraid of being wrong, making mistakes, not being good enough has destroyed me and I’m tired of living this way. I’m tired of feeling like a shell of a person who’s constantly waiting on someone else’s approval. I’m tired of not feeling good enough. I have a wonderful therapist, but I’m thrilled to have stumbled upon your channel to further my self work and to make more connections to take back to my therapist.

[@sheaneenhealybyrne2687]

I scored 82. I'm still living at home at the age of 21 with all the same triggers and constant assessment of people's moods because it can be split second changes. I know what mood people are in when they come home by the way they open the door.

[@dacksonflux]

That one way in particular which gives you a sense of dread because it's your fault. Stop blaming yourself. Take responsibility for mistakes you KNOW you made. Learn how to discern between a mistake you made and a mild inconvenience to someone who's very selfish. Realize that YOU have the power to forgive yourself. You are allowed to move on and live your life not frozen by a fear. Not to mention you're so young. Don't beat yourself up for still living with your family. If you're not financially stable enough to do so, take your time to get there in a healthy/legal way.

[@miety111]

I scored the same. I live with my parents and I can sense when my mother is upset by her facial expression or by how she moves things around the house, my father has anger issues and it's always so unpredictable to know what next thing is gonna make him mad, he flips at the smallest disagreements. When they're mad I tend to have different reactions depending on my mood I think, sometimes I get mad and lash out too, other times I just run away because I can't stand their voices anymore, and other times I completely freeze and hope they calm down soon. They stopped using physical punishments to impart me lessons once I grew up, but I still live in fear everyday. I just wanna leave this house sorry for the vent I just feel very lonely in this

[@sparkstudies1675]

Awh :( I feel that. I hope you find peace

[@sparkstudies1675]

@@miety111 Hey there, I understand you and I'm really sorry you have to experience that. If you need anyone to reach out to for support, just send me a reply. I hope you find peace. Hugs to everybody in this thread!!

[@hobocode]

i can relate to you. even a creak on the floor. my mom came to visit and i told my husband "SHUT UP!" because I could heard my mom upstairs complaining about her life. I can hear the cadence of her voice. he couldn't even hear her voice when we were silent. and I said, "She's spiralling". Then she came out of her room 45 miuntes later and ruined our entire day with her drama. He says I have better hearing. When our son cries, I can hear it ANYWHERE on the property. I can be in the basement showering and I can hear him cry in the garage. I ran out naked once. He tripped and scraped his knee. I'm working on it... but it's not fucking easy.

[@pisshposh]

I scored an 82. Damn. I always knew I was very hyper aware of my self and pretty aware of my surroundings but I had no idea it why. Before calculating my score, I began to second guess, and criticize myself for even thinking my childhood trauma is as valid as other viewers. (Comparison to others and minimizing/ repressing my own emotions lol). Thank you for this video and I wish all those in the comment section good luck on their healing journey, so that maybe one day we can grow to be wonderful parents and raise healthy children.

[@GraceD127]

Yes, thank you for the comment!

[@nikiepunt8631]

@@GraceD127 especially the minimizing and repressing my own emotions hit home for me.. totally relatable! Not the being a parent one. It’s too late for me I’m 40 and not there yet. But it’s good to know that you know it takes a good parent to raise healthy children.. most people do not realize this and get children because they think that is the way life works. Not thinking about how their childhood effecting their ability to be a good parent.. 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

[@claireturner6563]

I scored an 84. It's interesting how just identifying and intellectually understanding the causes of my fears and how they're unjust still doesn't clear the trauma out of my nervous system. I've though about this a lot for a while now, but this video helped some of it "click" in new ways. I'm lucky to have some really good friends now, who understand me and my neurodivergence. I think that with time, my healthy friendships, working with my nervous system, and finding new perspectives on this sort of trauma will help me move out of hypervigilance. Right now when I'm dysregulated, I'll flinch when my roommates walk past me, even thought they've always been sweet and polite.

[@christinadepenbusch9407]

I'm at 71 rn I consider myself "emotionally hypervigilent" I love this video ❤️❤️ and I've loved your role plays.... However, those pillows are creeping me out! Too evenly spaced lol Hope you have a great 2022!!!! Love you Patrick!

[@borababie9364]

i avoid a lot of my problems by laughing at my pain. imagine my reaction when my score was 69

[@sharoncox1734]

Mine too!

[@ssjtrunkxx]

Nice

[@moonglow5808]

@borababie And I’m your 69th like ayyyy perfect lol

[@Phalxxx]

Same.

[@especial0193]

Nice