Asexual Agony Aunt

Even if you didn't ask a question, I hope this is helpful to you! Regularly scheduled, not-ask-videos begin again next week. Thank you to everyone who asked questions, sorry if your's got missed. Also, happy start of Pride Month!
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[@rosie23xx31]

I had some sex-ed lessons a few months back and I had to leave the room because I felt so horrible. The teacher saw me and was like "you can leave" and so I did

[@amyclarke6176]

rosie23xx yeah my school let’s you leave for a few reasons such as recent miscarriages in the family. You can also take an extra subject to get out of sex ed which is why I have a statistics exam in under 3 weeks. It’s important to let your school know how you feel as they can help and will hopefully be nicer they are to other students as it’s been brought to their attention before.

[@SingeingFeathers]

I went to an english public school, and I couldve opted out of sex ed but didnt bc I didnt know I could at the time. I so hope the question asker sees these and opts out. if you become less sex repulsed when your older its so easy to look that stuff up

[@kiralaine2313]

rosie23xx I wish I had gotten that -.- but I just dealt with it because I thought I absolutely had to bear it because everyone else could (super harmful btw). I ended up feeling really self conscious abut being ace and sex repulsed troughout the bimestre and I kind of just hated myself for that time soooooo yeah not worth the knowledge

[@rainiiday6216]

rosie23xx Lucky I mean that in a good way btw. I've always been grossed out by sex ed. Maybe I'm just immature lol

[@imthe-1891]

I’m gonna have that soon. I DONT FRICKWN WANNA

[@jackdowd4746]

Oh my god, you answered my question. Thank you so much. Yeah, when I was learning about Asexuality I binged any resource I could find and your channel was a great help! My parents are far right wing and hate anything LGBT with a passion. They wouldn’t understand. 😢 I’ve told one friend but they knew what being Ace meant. And yes should I ever decide to have a romantic relationship I’ll make sure to tell them.

[@Grabovsky85]

Love your new haircut. Definitely agree to watch your video on growing up ace if you are questioning, I related to a lot of it.

[@alexbernhard7116]

3:45 Not your friend if he calls you psychopath he definetly can not consider you a friend I am assuming that he knows who is a psychopath

[@VixeyFrost]

OMFG as a sex repulsed ace, sex Ed was THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING EVER. I felt legitimately sick to my stomach at some points. It was nasty, and I always just tried to keep my head down and draw to distract from the pictures on the projector. I’m an A student normally, but that was a unit I was completely fine with failing, honestly. I didn’t want to see any of that shit and it was super awkward and gross that my teacher had to project pictures of it on the screen.😖

[@e.t9403]

I loved the advertising before this video : condoms

[@KatrinaEames]

With Sex Ed, sometimes it helps to think of it as preparing to help your friends as they become more interested in things. It's another component of health that a lot of people do interact with, but don't always get accurate information about and learning to help other people can help you get through it.

[@satansgotmilk]

For the first time I ranted to someone about how frustrating it is to be asexual and though I've ground proud of my identity there are still some days where I wish I was straight. He was a bit confused about some parts beings straight and not very well educated on LGBT or GSD (gender and sexuality diversities) but he listened and omg it felt so good to just let that out

[@amyclarke6176]

Is it weird that recently I’ve stopped coming out in the typical way, since coming out to my mum, i no longer clearly state and only confirm if I’m asked if I’m ace. Like i don’t hide it anymore but i don’t shout from the rooftops. With all that said, friends that i don’t see constantly have not noticed etc so I’m not sure if I should say anything. Ive never done that sit down I’m asexual thing i came out in jokes*or via text so I’m not sure how to come out to long distance friends as I feel a bit rude sending a message to a bunch of old friends. *For example i came out to my theatre friends while we were bitching about our schools sex ed or by saying to my friend after a biology lesson on asexual reproduction in micro-organisms “self deprecating jokes and 90’s tv shows how I’m going to pass this exam” she knew what I meant almost instantaneously as we had been talking about ace and pan communities reclaiming harmful jokes ‘you’re attracted to pans’ etc Sorry for that mess of a comment. You’re great keep up the good work. Have a great day.

[@starlight-ki6fr]

Hi I have discovered your channel recently and find your videos on Asexuality really informative. I started researching Asexuality after I saw this film called On Chesil Beach, starring Saorise Ronan. The film is about a couple on their wedding night and it is clear that the female protagonist played by Saorise Ronan does not want to have sex but loves her partner deeply. Before they are married she convinces herself that she can go through with this to make him happy but on the night admits that she finds the idea of sex disgusting and encourages her partner to seek sexual relationships with other people while still being married to her. I have never been introduced to an asexual character on a show or film before so I assumed wrongly that her feelings came from a lack of knowledge on sex and she developed a fear of sex because of this. I left the film extremely confused because it was apparent that she loved her partner in a romantic way and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. It wasn't until I researched the book by Ian Mcewan that the character's actions made sense to me. Although I see myself as open minded in regards to people's sexuality, I realize that I knew very little about Asexuality and neither did anyone else I knew. Thank you for making your videos and educating people like me. And I really recommend seeing On Chesil Beach. It's amazing!

[@kiralaine2313]

(I'm gonna ad right at the beginning that I fully agree with Amelia's advice on the topic, and that her's is the best one by far, however:) I don't know if they'll see this (I believe their name was Rusty?), but to the person who asked about the sex ed classes I'd like to say something: if you're in a bad place mentally it's probably a good ideia to skip them (terrible advice I know) and maybe get some notes with a friend afterwards. I say this because I wish I had done it: I was in a terrible place mentally last year (my class being 15 to 16 year olds) when the sex ed classes came around and, being sex repulsed myself, it ruined me. I was really self conscious about my asexuality and hated the fact that I was so clearly the only one who had a problem with the class. Though I was an extreme situation, I figured it was worth mentioning because I wish I had chosen my mental health over some classes (that I had already had in less detail when I was 12 - which means I knew what I needed for the finals for example) (But, again, Amelia's advice is best, sex ed is obviously important, and I love the tip about seeing it more as learning how other people function and what they do)

[@AmeliaAce]

This is a REALLY VALUABLE insight, thank you. Hopefully they'll see this.

[@rustygonzales6454]

Kira Laine ahhhh thank you! I believe there’s a health final??? It’s part of health class which i think is mandatory so yes my teacher may quiz me on it so I will keep that in mind. As it could be a topic during relationships i can agree that i should pay attention but try to zone out when i get super uncomfortable unless the teacher has stated that topic will be on a quiz.

[@kiralaine2313]

Rusty Gonzales trust me, if in the future you need it for relationships you'll probably be more comfortable with the topic by then and will be able to research on your own (maybe even things that weren't mentioned in class) I'm really happy you got to my comment 😊 hope everything works out well!

[@randomhumanbeing9303]

My class knows that I'm asexual, but later in the week, we were learning about STDS and something in the slideshow that most people have sex at some point in their life. Then one kid in my class shouted to the whole class that I couldn't be ace because of that and I was really embarassed. Any tips for helping people to understand?

[@supergirlysofia3054]

I am so sorry you had to go through that. As an asexual, I know exactly what you mean! Literally, the best thing you can do is be fierce. Whenever someone discredits your asexuality or acts like asexuality isn't valid, be loud and say "I am asexual, whether you accept it or not, and there are many others like me even if you don't know them. Don't be so quick to discredit something you are not educated about". Oppose them and don't let them get the better of you, because they are trying to shut you up and oppress you. Being vocal is key. They know you are asexual, so at this point when they say stuff like that, it's like they think they are gonna change your mind or something. Be vocal and persistent in showing them who you are

[@MrAranton]

I know you posted that a while ago. But maybe my ideas can still help you. As a starting point you should ask yourself: What do you want people to understand? The meaning of the label ace or what your deal is? The two are not necessarily the same. You are a person with a complex personality, while lables like "asexual" are buzzwords to simplify descriptions of people. As such they're usually not good descriptions of people. It's more "kinda-sorta-but not quite"-kind of fit. When people stumble over a term like "asexual" they get enthused about it because they're finally able to put a name on something they previously didn't quite understand about themselves and buy into the label hook, line and sinker. Only to find out later that it's not as good a fit as they thought. If you want them to understand the label, tell them how the community defines them. They'll either understand and start to use those definitions or they won't. That's beyond your control; perhaps you know the saying: You can guide a horse to the water but you can't force it to drink. And frankly: A lot of people are just asshats and trying to educate those is a waste of time. Reducing the number of asshats in your life will do so much more to your overall happyness than trying to "de-asshat" them so they can remain a part of your life. If you want people to understand what your deal is, you'll have a hard time until you understand what your deal is yourself. Being able to put a name is only the beginning of understanding, not the end of it, and labels like "ace" can actually get in the way of understanding yourself. I can only speak for myself, but I confuse the shit out of me sometimes - actually: If I'm honest, quite a lot. Which is why I'm generally hesitant to adopt labels. I find labels a lot easier to understand than myself, and therefore consider them gross oversimplifications, that don't do me justice. I'm also sceptical about being vocal. By being vocal you give people permission to talk about some of the most intimate aspects of your life. Is that really what you want? When people don't ask, I don't tell them. It's not like it's any of their business anyway. Plus: What people don't know, they cannot use to embarrass you with. And when people ask why I'm single, I assess how close they are to me, how gossipy they are etc. and based on that information decide depending on that whether to give them a platitude like "I haven't met the right one yet" or whether I'll start a conversation by saying something along the lines of "I never quite figured why I would want to change that, so I didn't" to let them in.

[@SingeingFeathers]

squish question: explain what u mean. to most people, 'liking someone' is a binary of romance or ~unimportant~ friendship. if u just say u like him, hes gonna take it as one of thssse

[@weakgait]

SingeingFeathers i just say i love all my friends bc im friendgay

[@drewharris7785]

I really appreciate your saying that no one has to tell anyone if they don't want to. I'm exploring my sexuality and gender (AGAIN!) but I don't feel ready to talk about it and since I don't care about pronouns, I don't see a reason to tell anyone about my gender confusion. In today's world, though, everyone tells everyone everything, so I was kinda stressing over needing to tell people.

[@rebeccanicole2822]

Unsure if you'll see this comment but I just want to say thank you for making these video's, and making this channel. You were the first channel on KZbin that I found that talks about asexuality, and it's so nice to find someone who I can relate to on a personal level. Your video's helped me discover that I'm Ace, and a lot of them helped me accept that about myself. I'm still new to this community, but I finally feel like I'm not alone in the way I am. That means SO much to me to know that I do have a place in this world, and I do belong somewhere. I've struggled a lot through my life with depression, anxiety, and feeling like I'll never be good enough for anyone because I don't want to have sex, and at this point I don't even want to have kids.. And that's always been something I've been looked down upon for. I never felt like I was "normal" because of having all of these things in my life that made me feel the way I do. Your channel really helped me become the person I am today, and because of watching your asexual video's especially, I really have started to become a happy person with who I am, and not caring so much on how others view me. I love your video's, and I hope you continue to post more of them in the future. Love you, always. 💜

[@AmeliaAce]

Thank you for your support, I'm glad my videos have been able to help you :)

[@TheJoker9510]

What you said about coming out to people I think was true. I recently told another friend that I'm Ace and it went a lot smoother. I think it also helped because he knew what Asexual was.

[@pumpkinface1011]

this is so helpful.... I am currently learning about ACE individuals because I have found myself attracted to an individual who is on the spectrum like me. I didnt really understand nor did i know that i fit into the ACE spectrum. I am learning alot about myself while trying to understand my friend who i would like to be in a relationship with. I am on a sliding scale of sec + or neutral but sec repulsed with males. thank you

[@PeachesDreemurr]

My father doesn't like the fact that I'm asexual, so I've stopped talking about it to anyone outside of the internet. Not fun.

[@supergirlysofia3054]

I'm sorry :( I hope you meet good people who are accepting

[@PeachesDreemurr]

@@supergirlysofia3054 thank you.

[@supergirlysofia3054]

@@PeachesDreemurr of course :)

[@candylover1232]

8:22 "Out in the wild" 😂😂😂

[@MinecraftCutiepie]

I’m 18 and I don’t think my parents would really believe me if I came out as asexual now. I’ll probably have to wait till I’m in my mid-twenties when they ask me why I’ve never had a boyfriend/girlfriend...

[@Ire_Naru]

I can't take my eyes off the yuri on ice merch. Viktor and Yuri are too beautiful for this world

[@Jaydove2387]

YAY FOR BI ACE SOLIDARITY!!!

[@sailorcat]

It's so great what you do!^^ I love your content.

[@paintitpeachydontforgetthe539]

My parents think my sexuality and my gender are their property and it’s agonising. I made the mistake of telling my mom I was trans she thinks it’s dumb. I can’t tell my dad sense he’s an asshat. Ughh I’m dying.

[@rachelwalker3017]

I'm sorry your parents are unsupportive! Just know the online lgbt+ community has your back! I'm rooting for you ❣

[@angelinagrosenick3778]

Thanks for answering my question :) Also saw you on Ash’s channel yesterday!!

[@Dutchandfrench]

Angelina Grosenick Just to add onto labels you might consider if you wanted another option is Nowomaromantic, which is basically not being attracted to women.

[@holly205]

I’m honestly scared that my view of sex will change because I really really REALLY don’t want that but it seems like such a normal thing and justboof

[@uriPirateKing]

I came out yo my parents they were accepting :3

[@hihi-yx5xp]

MyGonLily i'am not shure how to come out to my parents

[@morgan8290]

I only came out to my mom...I know it's sad, but i have reasons to why i don't trust that much my other family members anymore...we grew apart i guess...

[@prongs4137]

@@hihi-yx5xp Test the waters first. Talk about sexualities and then asexuality in general and what you know about them n their definitions n gauge their reaction and their views about it. Even whether they're interested to learn if they don't know. Maybe even talk about what you would do or should do if you meet an asexual person or find out someone you love is Ace and ask them what they would do. Open this topic with a segue or transition from something else. Like maybe something showing on television while you and the parent(/s) are in the room. Safety is priority. If you already know their stance and attitude about this and what they claim their attitude will be if someone they care about is ace, great. Be mindful don't ask them directly or it will arouse suspicion n that's not good if you're not ready. Talk about what YOU would do if a friend or classmate came out as ace and then ask then what they would do if a family member or cousin came out as ace. Don't say "what if I was ace" unless you're ready for this to be your coming out conversation. Frankly digging to find out their attitude if a loved one was Ace is not necessary, entirely optional. Just finding out their attitude to the whole thing objectively is enough for you to prepare better. Once you know their stance, decide again whether you want to come out to them at all, it's NOBODY's business but your own regardless of how important they may be to you unless you decide to tell them. There's NO OBLIGATION to tell them unless you want to. Then,this is important-WRITE DOWN what you plan to say while coming out somewhere. Maybe type it out n delete it or store it somewhere on the internet no one apart from you can access but write it down. Will help you gather your thoughts and prepare better instead of doing it impromptu. You can even write them a letter or text or email if you have a lot to say about how you feel. That way they will have to read the entire thing without interrupting you which can happen in a verbal live conversation. Reading something also makes people think and reflect and perhaps even sympathise. All good points in your favour. People can listen n talk without thinking enough but I don't think anyone can read something, specially something about all your emotions, without thinking. You could also read aloud from what you wrote standing in front of them. It's even better than just handing them the letter. Or just practice what you're gonna say a few times and then say it, no need to take what you've written along. Entirely up to you whatever you find comfortable or least uncomfortable. Might want to also practice anticipating what they might say based on what you know about their attitude towards this objectively and come up with answers for that too. I like being over prepared for everything personally. All the best! 👍 And remember, no matter what happens, it doesn't diminish one bit of who you are and how much love you deserve and you'll always have the community.

[@ignisardor6857]

Because you know more about this than I, I was hoping I could get your opinion on this. I have never felt true romantic or sexual attraction to anyone. There have been times I have met people whom I know are gorgeous and liked and respected them as people and while my mind had told me I should date them- I’ve never wanted anything more than friendship. I’m not totally against the idea of dating ( if I fall in love I won’t stop myself) but I have absolutely no desire to. When I think about my ideal future, I’m unmarried and likely have no children ( if I do, I would have adopted them). Am I asexual/ aromantic?

[@rachelwalker3017]

You sound aro/ ace! What you describe sounds like a squish or a "platonic crush"

[@mitabli1820]

We had sex ed class and I told the teacher that I am very uncomfortable with this topic (I'm ace and sex-repulsed) and asked to get out of the classroom................................... So they called my parents. Imagine me, my parents, the school counselor, and my teacher, all sitting around a table for an hour, talking only about how weird it is that I'm uncomfortable with this topic. I shit you, not the school counselor acted like I was some sort of alien or something. So yeah that was fun.

[@ryn2844]

But wait, why are you conflating sex-favorable with sex-positive and sex-repulsed with sex-negative? Those are different things. I'm both sex-repulsed and sex-positive at the same time, which means that I think people should have as much sex as they want (as long as it's safe and consensual) without being stigmatized in any way, but I also really really really don't ever want to do it myself.

[@AmeliaAce]

Laurann Heya!! Normally I make a point to use sex favourable rather than sex positive, but I decided to use the same language as the question asker! Sometimes people use “sex positive” and “sex negative” to describe their personal experience/attitude to sex, it has nothing to do with their attitude towards other people having sex!

[@ryn2844]

Yeah okay, makes sense. Thanks for clarifying :)

[@Jaydove2387]

Can you talk about abrosexuality? It's rarely known even to other LGBT people.

[@mrodrodrick4006]

I was drawing and looked up for a split second and immediately focused my sight on the picture of Viktor and Yuri on the back of your laptop.

[@confusedflourbeetle4734]

i think we all did

[@midnightskky5625]

Where did you get that shirt???

[@AmeliaAce]

Yep, Primark, but a while ago now.

[@jordanawholemess5452]

Im 14 and 95% certain Im asexual and aromantic but I dont want to be. It frustrates me that everyone else has these feelings for people that I dont understand. Ive talked to my mom about it and she insists its a phase. I dont think it is, but how do I make her understand

[@emilyw2962]

Trust me when I say it gets better. High school stinks in general, and it's extremely easy to feel different and left out. As you get older you are able to choose from a wider range of people to hang out with, and you will begin to find more people like you. So just hang in there, be yourself, and know that you are not the only asexual sitting in class thinking the thoughts you are.

[@In_TheMoonlight]

hey you’re awesome and super relatable! keep up the good work! much love 💛💛💛

[@-somatryoshka]

Honestly just told my romantic partner about my asexuality so far (she's asexual as well) and a few people online. I don't feel it completely necessary to tell anyone else unless the topic of sex comes up as they're not going to be effected by it. However, my mum does identify as asexual herself so I might talk to her about it one day due to that factor.

[@phoebejay5731]

Can I point out that being sex positive and sex repulsed are not mutually exclusive? I thought being sex positive was about embracing sexual diversity and sexual expression, and accessible education on safe and consensual sex, as well as believing in everyone's right to having as much or as little sex as they want, without judgement etc. Whereas aversion or repulsion is how you personally feel about sex itself. I feel repulsed about the idea of sex but I still think it is important to be sex positive when possible. I try my best to not let my personal repulsion, be a judgement on someone else's lifestyle. You can still be supportive of other people for having healthy sex lives, while not wanting to partake yourself. Correct me if I'm wrong... :s love to all! ooo

[@siginotmylastname3969]

I think it was being used to mean someone who likes sex, and a lot of people are just not aware of the other meaning. Personally I didn't think there were terms other than sex repulsed/averse and sex indifferent. I get that sex indifferent is used more by people who don't particularly want to do it but don't mind compromising with a partner and that takes me to the point where it sounds like a label for people who are just deciding it's ok for them to be pressured into sex which is weird and iffy to say the least.

[@tillandsia776]

A couple days back i was discussing with a family member about the subject of children/adopting and i told them, basically I wouldn't feel comfortable adopting a child without having a partner...now this family member does know i'm ace {im also biromantic although they dont' know that part}, and asked, "if you had a platonic relationship, how would you even teach your child about sexuality when they are teenagers?" That if its something i dont even understand myself, how could i give advice on the subject? i didnt really know how to respond. Also, in regards to the Q and A question about someone trying to equate asexuality with psychopathy the person making the accusation clearly has no idea what psychopathy even is lmao {i also happen to be on the autism spectrum and ive seen people also equate that with psychopathy, which again is laughable at best and deeply damaging to the autism community at the worst.} Being both ace and autistic, i must be doubly evil! an empty husk totally incapable of love and affection XD

[@casperTheBird]

I consider myself Ace, but I fluctuate between sex positive and sex repulsed all the time. I guess a lot of people consider that gray-ace but ehhhh words are words. What matters to me is the fact that sex is somethig my partner and I would work out together, and well thats a given regardless

[@amyclarke6176]

What do you have to say about ace people still taking pride in lgbt representation even if its not asexual representation. Some people i know think its wrong for me to like love simon because the characters are gay not ace. Ok have a great day bye 👋

[@Imnya]

Amy Clarke I don't see a problem with this. Ace people, even het aces, can relate to a lot of experiences that gay people have. For example, when I first heard stories told by lesbians about what it was like for them to kiss and date guys, I (as a bi ace) found their feelings and actions to be a lot like what had felt and done when I was with my first boyfriend. Because we share some experiences, many ace people relate to LGBT+ characters, and so celebrate them. There's nothing wrong with that! It may become a problem though if people try to portray a character as one orientation when they are canonically another. So, in summary: go ahead and love Simon, because I'm sure you can relate to aspects of the characters, even if they are gay! Just don't try to portray said characters as ace or anything else.

[@RapnFreshD]

Hi everyone! I have a little bit of a weird and kinda conplex question and I hope i can phrase it right: I identify as a very sex repulsed ace and every day life and entertainment (movies, music etc) tends to be full of sexuality that makes me super uncomfortable all the time (to a degree that I rarely watch movies or listen to music anymore which feels super bad). I would like to "come out" to the world (currently some friends know it but I want to be actually open about it everywhere I go) but I have enountered so many super "anti-ace" people online, be it straight or lgbt+ people, which made me suuuper insecure and made be try to oppress my own feelings. That ofc makes me feel super bad, too. Question is now: How do I "find the courage to accept myself" and "not care about other people's opinions", and maybe even overcome the fear of rejection since I believe most people would be open minded about it? Thank you for making these videos!

[@desirees4961]

Thank you

[@mangoblaze]

wait.. I have that exact same shirt xD

[@hihi-yx5xp]

When i was in 5th grade we where in growing and changing and the whole time i keep on shoving my arms into my head and gaged

[@weakgait]

I'm the asecualest asecual of them all

[@cearrose9747]

Ooof I love your shirt! Your so relaxing! ( I my self am sexual neutral)

[@bettyreads222]

This was so helpful. Thank you so much!

[@SamanthaAimee]

I came here because I think I might be ace but I just wanted to say I love your shirt 😄

[@regishel]

I'm a 28 years old Demi-Romanic girl and have only been inlove 5 times in my life they have all been guys, does not mean I'm Hetero-Romantic? Or is there a word for questioning?

[@regishel]

@@seabisqit Whether it helps or not, at least it makes for some thoughts. Whatever the case, I appreciate your reply Thanks.

[@regishel]

@@seabisqit ​I found a word that I might be using heteroflexible! So Demi-heteroflexible-romantic! Sounds weird but that's what I'm named now!!! Since I have no problem dating trans man or non-binary person!

[@azuritesgalaxy6916]

oof nice hair

[@spadesofspades]

I love you, you are amazing

[@emmaelson6770]

Gen oner I see

[@tumado7304]

i found the video very dysfunctional... all said in the video is mostly false

[@AsexualiseMyAsexualLife]

Hi Amelia, good video. Thanks for coming to the UK Asexuality Conference, it was nice to meet you. We had almost 200 people attend. If asexuals want to meet asexuals offline, they should go to in person offline asexual meetups. I hold them in my city of Exeter in the UK, which is what I spoke about at the conference, but I think maybe you missed that talk? And people come from all over the UK to them, but there are asexual meetups all over the UK and world in various places. Also, if asexuals want to find another asexual relationship, they should go on asexual dating sites, rather than the conventional ones which are aimed at those who like and want sex. I talk a lot about asexual dating and relationships on my Asexualise My Asexual Life, KZbin channel and run two very niche asexual dating groups on Facebook - which is also what they can apply to join.