Ask The Unfaithful Episode 14: Why are the Unfaithful Dishonest with Themselves?

[@LA-1969]

Oh, this was triggering. My husband told me he reached back out to his AP within months of D-Day because he was just "curious" about her. He could have been doing something else to aid in our recovery.😢

[@daphnemcmullen1972]

My unfaithful claims he can't remember the affairs and hook ups he's had only a fraction has he been honest about. It hurts so deeply that I'm expected to believe n trust him after all he's done that he doesn't remember. Yet he doesn't trust or believe in me enough to come clean and be honest. How do I navigate that ? How and when does my safety even come into play? He's cheated and lied gaslit me for years How does he still believe this is ok ? Or that we will be. Or as it feels he's waiting on me to end it so he's not the bad guy.

[@loriannsecciani6345]

Dr Doug Weiss, YT, teaches about using infidelity-aimed polygraphs (lie detector tests.) Otherwise you are believing a lie or a delusion, which is an unfair ask.

[@mi8345]

​@@loriannsecciani6345yea, mine did a poly and should've never passed it but did. He left out stuff he had told me and his csat about earlier. I guess in the moment of being on the polygraph, what he told was his truth. I don't know if that's common, I don't know if compartmentalisation made that possible or maybe he's just a psycho... not feeling any better after this disclosure and polygraph. The wirst is that in his mind it seems he's done the poly and now I should stop bothering him 😢

[@WarriorBrideBattleCry]

Yes, thats how they beat the box is compartmentalization. ​@mi8345

[@ddburrows6419]

These conversations do give me hope that I can get my husband to begin the healing process in earnest. And, recently, I’ve come to accept that he may never challenge himself to do the work. At the very least, these talks offer deep insight and are nourishing for me. Thank you.

[@Red-rose-garden]

I love the honesty of these two men! They tell it like it is from experience! If you have been the victim of betrayal takes notes from what they telling you! We always ask the question why! How in the world could he have been so deceptive and manipulating? How is it that I saw a few signs but just didn’t want to believe them until the betrayal became a reality!!! Absolutely shocking to the core!

[@suzannewilliams759]

THANK YOU BOTH so much for creating this community. Your professionalism has a way of articulating EVERYTHING Ive tried to cover with my unfaithful. This podcast is a POWERHOUSE. He remains in denial about his deception, refuses disclosure, & runs in the other direction when I try to talk to him. Coming from 2 men, he actually listens to you. More often then not, before the end of recording, he gets pissed off & storms out. THANK YOU AGAIN!!

[@Gotoworkkk]

Why do you stay with him??

[@brightpage1020]

Great to see Samuel again. Hope all is well. Curious as to what happened at AR that he left? But none of my beeswax. Probably just time to strike out for new opportunities - season of economic seismic shifts and changes upon us and all. Praying for the success of each biz. Grateful for works like this! Sam’s videos were the best, most hard hitting when we were going through it… or I was. So on point with the experience. Grateful for your wisdom and insights, gentlemen!

[@teeryan19]

All of this has been front and center for us the last 72 hours. This is priceless today.

[@WarriorBrideBattleCry]

Okay, here's a novel approach, if you want to be seen as doing the right thing, just do the right thing. It cost you nothing to be a person with integrity. If you want to be a good person don't do that which might get you judged harshly. Don't people please be authentic, but for the love of God, it's really not that difficult to be decent . I'm not trying to shame, but just face your inner demons & work on yourself. Playtime is over, we are adults. I'm a betrayed spouse & have various instances of betrayal trauma & trauma, it's painful & sucks to walk through . Just get in there & do the hard work. Its worth the pain. Stop caring what other people think. Care what God thinks & says about you. Nobody gonna wanna hear this, but whether or not you believe in God or not you will ultimately answer to Him at the end anyway. So, why do you care what anyone else thinks about you? Perfectionism is the ultimate deception

[@Katherine_02]

I so appreciate your videos. I wish I could share them with my husband but I know that, for now anyway, it would only serve to push him further away. One day, I hope!

[@Gotoworkkk]

Yes, women please leave your man alone. Nagging and bothering him will push him away.

[@Katherine_02]

@Gotoworkkk I don't nag or bother. That's unkind.

[@leticiabarnes9614]

Some pretend to be faithful and trustworthy. Pretending at church and home , putting on this false face of a god fearing man. Even looking down on cheaters all while they secretly live in sin. Commiting adultery without conscious.

[@buckalou2]

If his perception of reality is a fantasy and he is blaming me for being controlling. Then is he just being defensive to be allowed to continue to live in his fantasy. Then what can I do to bring him back to reality? Without making him run away.

[@aidapares7411]

The unfaithful needs to admit they fell in love with the other person. They created this new life they thought it was for keepers, and only when they are caught is when it stops, not in all cases though, but in most yes. It is very interesting what was mentioned in the podcast about “this perfect life with the other person” so true, my husband made up family members & even a business partnership with his brother 🤦🏻‍♀️ like really? My feelings about this is that going through this trauma & trying to figure things out, the truth is, not worth the pain, I think am mad at myself more for staying, just not the same anymore.

[@leticiabarnes9614]

Every unfaithful could have used incognito to heal their marriage or themselves. Nope they rather destroy the person they swore to love , cherish and be faithful to

[@susanmiller6870]

why don't they divorce instead of cheating and being dishonest?

[@AskTheUnfaithful]

it's really tough to know...it's somewhat situational. Sometimes they don't think they will get caught. Sometimes, they don't want to lose their family and are looking for an escape. other times, they are in a situation where they don't want the consequences of coming clean so they just keep living, doing what they want, hoping they don't get caught and justify their actions to themselves. that's not an exhaustive answer, but just some initial thoughts. I'm so sorry for your pain but glad you're here.

[@leticiabarnes9614]

They want both.

[@lindaetherton5828]

Here’s some reality. I was used for sex from infancy by family members and others. My mother knew and did nothing. She did ultimately leave my dad to plunge her and my four younger siblings into abject poverty as she tried to raise us alone in the early 70’s. Having been told repeatedly that I was loved while being abused I believed they were inseparable and that I was being loved by being promiscuous. My mother died of cancer in 1980. I had repressed my past and didn’t even begin to resurface until I had accepted Jesus in 1989 and was already married with three kids. I have reoffended several times over the years. My husband is emotionally closed off and is a hard worker. We have always teetered on the poverty line and counseling has been hit and miss. I find myself here, trying to find a tiny bit of hope for both of us to find healing.

[@kevinkennett7474]

Not only is my UW dishonest with hersrlf, she has been dishonest with our marriage counselor. She self-sabatoges, whenever she fears truths will come out in joint counseling. She is afraid and feels shame, to the point of out right lieing. She had a few meetings with individual therapist, when i first caught her. She told me, that she did not yell tne therapist any details of anything about the betrayal. She just said it wad a few messages. It wasn't. She already yold me a lot more that happened, but as everyday passed by,ehe whitewadhes it more and more.

[@RC-fl9qz]

The term whitewashing, totally get it!

[@mfawls9624]

If only she could get through the 'shame' for you like she pushed throughon it to carry on the affair. In fact, that was probably part of the sick thrill for her. Wishing you well and hope!

[@edgreen8140]

To some degree they maybe aware they are distancing from what is at home. They don’t like parts of the self so dissassociate somehow drugs sex ct.!

[@dougbrown6711]

Find someone who will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear 🙉

[@AskTheUnfaithful]

truth.

[@LA-1969]

Exactly what I told my husband.

[@gsxrfem5180]

I would love these videos get to more people that need to hear them. I think the titles could be better, as I think those particular people who don't adintify, because of denial, withe the title of "unfaithful" ♥ 🙏

[@AskTheUnfaithful]

Thanks for sharing. Doing our very best.