Assertiveness and the Four Communication Styles

Counselor Carl (serenityonlinet...) explains why assertive communication is necessary for healthy relationships and why passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles of communication simply are not effective. He describes each style of communication, some likely causes of each, and the logical outcomes of each pattern of communication. Counselor Carl explains how passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive styles of communication prevent resolution of conflicts while assertive communication leads to conflict resolution, healthier relationships, and improved self-esteem. Counselor Carl's straight-forward teaching style makes complex concepts easy to understand. Counselor Carl is a licensed, professional counselor with 19 years of clinical experience both online and face-to-face.

[@jordanmelton1554]

Carl, i want you to know 3 years ago labor day weekend. I found your channel i was lost and addicted to drugs. your videos helped me get free from all of the addictions and now i am in ministry doing small groups for others who were like me. so thank you and may the Lord God Almighty bless you!!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi Jordan, Thank you for sharing your story. Congratulations on finding your pathway to recovery. I wish you the best!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you for your kind comments. I try to make complex concepts easy to understand.

[@Silberpfote7]

By minute 3 i had to stop the video and take a deep breath. I still comunicate passively (= i don't communicate) but I am working very hard on being assertive. I am sick of people walking over me, but I dont know the difference between being kind and being a pushover. Work, work, and more work to change that, express myself correctly and compromise. Thank you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome! Best wishes on your journey to healing and becoming your True Self. Being assertive is not being selfish. It is letting your needs and feelings be part of the negotiation of any healthy relationship.

[@tremblayjacob7395]

Its a self journey.Every person needs to understand himself before trying to train this skill.You need to know your passive state and your agressive state, how do you behave...and then you in a slowly but rewarding process you will get your own center... calm and assertive..you are in control of yourself so you can actually think about the other.A hug from Argentina.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

+Iván Kugelmas Thank you for your helpful comments and observations!

[@tremblayjacob7395]

Silberpfote7 Oh,, 1 more thing.You can actually communicate passive, agressive and assertive state just with your body.Do you know about body language?Being assertive is olso understanding your body (sometimes unconscious) communications.Match your words with your body so people can actually feel you more deeply.Its a huge concept, dont take it easy, it is difficult.If you want help contact me.. i will be glad to help you in your journey.I olso struggle in the past with things like yours.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you for sharing your excellent insights!

[@Susanna1908]

Thank you Carl for sharing this video. I am a practicing psychiatrist myself and I found your videos particularly helpful for my clients as well as myself. You videos are concise and deliver the messages very clearly.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you very much! That is my goal, to deliver helpful information in a clear and concise manner.

[@nathancohen1679]

The most simple, easy to understand explanation without having to use fancy words that I have to twist my brain while trying to understand! Thank you so much

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Nathan! Thanks for the kind words.

[@jafarhabibnia7768]

Wow. My teacher suggest your video for one of our assignment. You are amazing. Thanks.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

jafar habibnia. You're welcome!

[@stellaleff1268]

- this lesson helped me realize that i tend to use passive communication because i do always feel like life is doing it’s own thing and i don’t get to choose, Carl describes it as a type of depression which i don’t fully resonate with but i do feel in a way stuck and unable to heal or grow and i feel like in my relationships the issues are never addressed but it’s a good thing to recognize in my life in order to change it

[@Soviless99]

i have always been a passive agitator and have been practicing assertiveness the past two years. ive learned a lot of this passive agression from dealing with an angry, previously alcoholic, blaming, narcissistic father. he can be very caring though and has my best interests at heart but he puts his family through a lot of bull . he has had a therapist for a while now ever since he got a dwi back in 2019

[@l.b.mckayart1655]

I enjoy listening to your videos. They are short, practical and direct to the point. It has taking me three years to understand that I had to educate myself about codependency and make a change for my own good. Thank you for your informative videos.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, and best wishes!

[@annatetiad.4991]

Thank you very much for summing this all up in a nutshell. As below, these are very "to the point" without any fluff. Great for presenting to others - !!!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you, Annie! I'm glad you found my video helpful.

[@natashatarot]

It’s crazy, I’m passive and it feels like lately that I’m so disconnected from myself that I wouldn’t even know how I feel about this or that, or even how to recognize red flags all the time. I was raised to ignore my emotions and my internal guidance system, being walked on was how I was always treated by my parent so it’s normal to me in my mind. I really am trying to work on my voice but it’s so hard when I don’t even know what I am actually feeling.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Natasha Rodriguez. Don't give up! What you described is learned behavior, which means you can learn healthier ways. Best wishes!

[@vinnysoori4512]

I search for styles of Assertive Passive and Aggressive Communication on youtube and I really like your video and it is easy to understand. thank you, sir

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Vinny! Best wishes!

[@dominikh7237]

Hello :) Your lessons are very simple and direct. You talk slowly and very fluidly. Just wanna say: Thank you. You are helping me and i m sure you are helping others too. Bllesings :)

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

+Dominik Hrbić Thank you for your kind words.

[@dominikh7237]

You welcome,Counselor Carl :)

[@neelev5195]

Thank you so much for your amazing and helpful videos! I'm 20 years old and developed Depersonalization last year and through that I learned that I was raised in a dysfunctional family. I'm still in the process of trying to integrate and accept the trauma I experienced. Sadly its not that easy to admit to myself what I experienced. Your Videos are very helpful for me to make good changes in my life, heal and get unstuck. Thanks!!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome! Best wishes on our journey of healing and growth!

[@gambitadebruselas]

Love your videos, Carl. The style is so refreshing and the messages are concise and clear. To the point. Love that. Thank you for sharing and best wishes for the new year!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you for your kind words, Evelyn! I'm glad you find my videos helpful. Best wishes for the new year to you as well!

[@ayaelzarka4426]

This is a very rich, wise, and beautiful video. Thank you Dr. Carl for your videos and presence.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Aya!

[@scottbarclay6]

Hi Counselor Carl, I think you look like George W Bush! I would say that assertiveness is good to a certain extent but it does not solve all problems. I think counsellors need to be realistic here in that dealing with bullies in the past, whenever I have confronted them they are unwilling to respect me even when I say how they make me feel. You cannot change the way other people feel about you. In such circumstances, I think assertiveness needs to be brought to a level of being strategic. Example, if you are bullied at work, know your rights to raise a formal grievance/ HR. If you are having problems with a flatmate not paying bills, threaten legal action/ small claims court. I think a lot of every day problems could be avoided by being streetwise and having the knowledge of such circumstances. Simply by being assertive will not necessarily allow your rights to be respected or heard, you really need to be aware and knowledgable as well. I think the whole concept of this is a bit of a red herring.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Scott Barclay. Others have said I look like George Bush, too, LOL! Assertiveness is more than words. It also involves actions such as you describe. Setting healthy boundaries even when using the legal system to do so is simply a special case of assertiveness. And yes there are times to be passive, like avoiding an argument with an intoxicated or dangerously abusive person. But you don't remain passive for long. You still find a way to assert for your own self care, safety, and long-term best interest. So, I agree with pretty much everything you said. Still, assertiveness is by far the most effective form of communication in most situations.

[@sweettoothmarie7304]

So glad i found this channel! It's truly helping me change my life...

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome!

[@myIGJonathanMartinez1011]

Thanks for telling me when I can be aggressive. If it wasn’t for you I would’ve said to someone assaulting me “Sir, when you hit me in the face with that board, it greatly upsets me, so please stop”

[@organicminds1367]

Thank you! We are starting to spread your materials here in the Philippines!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! And thanks for sharing the video.

[@darylannlovebook3456]

It such a big big help for my speech regarding communication styles. Thank you Counselor Carl :)

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! Good luck with your speech.

[@EnablerPrinceGrover]

super specific, informative and relevant to the core! Thankyou as I have a session on Assertiveness tomorrow and this video is of great help!

[@alaskanactressp30]

Kudos to you Counselor Carl 🌹👍. How can I work with my partner on getting rid of the silent treatments??? Is it possible ? Never give up hope right?

[@TVResults]

Wow I was assertive today, that is growth for me.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

356 Pounds TO FIT. Well done!

[@legolas4457]

Hey Counselor Carl. Just watched your video on our huge smart board with my nursing class to learn how to properly communicate to patients! Very helpful stuff. Kept us interested with some good humor. We enjoyed the pictures you placed as well. will be coming back for reference. Thanks a lot!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Hello nursing class!

[@gwendolynwehage6336]

Thank you, this is very helpful!!! I plan on referring to your videos often!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome!

[@MrPaddymarley]

I like the step by step presentation style you use sir! Thanks

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Patrick! Best wishes!

[@alexanderSnilsson]

thanks, helped out in my quest to build self-esteem, as self-assertivenss is a key pillar within it! /Alexander:)

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Alexander Nilsson. Exactly! Self-care equals self-esteem.

[@alexanderSnilsson]

Thanks Carl:)

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Alexander!

[@iw9338]

Passives don't even know what they are feeling, its not just that they are unwilling. We were ignored and not permitted to discuss feelings/emotions.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

That is often the case. For those, it is a progression from being disconnected from one's feelings and needs, to learning to identify feelings and needs, to learning to express feelings and advocate for one's needs in relationship.

[@vonaninemukula84]

Very clear and to the point. Thank you

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome!

[@zacgrey1503]

very well. Major confusion Solved. Direction regained. Thank-you Very Much.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome!

[@urioran5269]

brilliant video so so clear and i thank you yoy gave so much and in a very effective manner in such a short amount of time

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Uri! And thank you!

[@christinegordon2152]

Thank you

[@angelaknox]

I was never taught how to be assertive. Im passive :/ I want to learn to set boundaries and speak up for myself. But it seems even when i do speak up like for example with my bf im not heard 😔

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Well, you can invite your boyfriend to get some kind of help in learning to communicate more effectively. If he refuses, then you will have a difficult decision to make. Can you live with a person who doesn't want to learn how to communicate in a healthier way?

[@marketa7752]

I communicate passively most of the time. Also, rather then speaking up for myself, even if it's just a little things, I would often just leave the relationship and be a loner. I hope I'll be able to speak up for myself in the future. I have a question, what if I'm having problem to even understand what I'm actually thinking? I often realize that I didn't like what heppened too late and then I'm already too frustrated and resentful to speek up for myself assertively...

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Marketa. Codependents are other focused, meaning that they disconnect from their own needs and feelings in order to be what others want them to be. Recovery from codependency involves learning to honor and value your own needs and feelings, but before you can do that, you must start paying attention to your inner world of needs, feelings, and thoughts so you can get to know your needs feelings, likes, dislikes, opinions, etc. They are all there insides of you, but you must practice getting to know them. There are codependency workbooks that can help you learn to do this.

[@marketa7752]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy thank you. Do you think it is a good start for a condependent who feels unabale to establish good, mutual, inspiring relationships/friendships? To focus on the inner work first, find what I feel, need, like, want and start to honor it through my actions (speaking up, settings boundaries)? I've always focused on the relationships and what I'm doing wrong and how to find the right friendships and it seemed to never work so far, it only leaves me more and more frustrated.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

@@marketa7752 Yes, I think codependents in recovery need to focus on themselves as they learn to recognize their codependent patterns and learn healthy relationships skills through study and practice. In the process they may realize they have collected a lot of unhealthy relationships, so they must sort them out and distance themselves from the toxic and severely dysfunctional ones. Then they can practice their new healthy skills with their healthier friends and family. And, yes, it is important to spend time getting to know yourself - your needs, feelings, opinions, likes, and dislikes so that you can be a good advocate for yourself and develop good self-care skills.

[@marketa7752]

@@Serenityonlinetherapy good, sounds exactly like what I was doing. It's a slow process however

[@7ackass]

Quality information. Thank you very much.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@janiliebenberg4407]

Thankyou, this has helped me so much!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're very welcome! Best wishes!

[@jeanpierreubayimfura3807]

Thank you for your video, is very helpful.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Jean Pierre!

[@edwinyeong1867]

yes..i learnt lotsa knowledge in ur video

[@nishant3378]

U make it so simple to understand and practice 😊🙏

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

I try! Thank you. Best wishes!

[@shakyasamjhana1]

Thank you counselor Carl 🙏

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@windflower4149]

Thank you Sir for sharing knowledge.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@alanoodfahed3031]

extremely helpful video such clear examples it helped me on my presentation to my counselling class thank you so much ,, will be thanking you in my class tooo :)

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome! Glad to help!

[@sushantsingh24]

Raw concept i liked it so much

[@adarshmynalli5124]

Thanks 🙏

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Adarsh!

[@nicolerandall335]

This was helpful. Thank you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@Matthew8473]

This content exemplifies intellectual depth and exploration. Reading a book with related themes was an empowering and enlightening journey. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you for sharing!

[@lexih4189]

Thank you so much

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@alanoodfahed3031]

Can you please tell me the advantages of this technique and disadvantages? During counseling sessions..

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Assertiveness is the ONLY pattern of communication for building healthy relationships.

[@alanoodfahed3031]

thank you :)

[@tanyastevens9553]

Thank you.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@theforeigner6988]

Say what you mean! Mean what you say! But don't say it mean!

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You got it!

[@shaniquawhipple6413]

I'm little bit aggressive because I have bit unresolved anger because being quiet

[@shaniquawhipple6413]

Not speaking up

[@MrSuperbluesky]

Thank you again

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome!

[@deepakthakur9536]

Hi Counsellor Carl . Can you please advise the relationship between tone, pitch of voice and assertive communication

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Hi, Deepak, skillful assertive communication includes being aware of body language, including facial expressions, voice tone, and choice of words that indicate respect to the listener. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

[@pooryungchap]

What should we do if someone has a little bit of all the bad ones and struggle with being assertive? CBT and Meditation?

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Dan Assertiveness is a learned skill. If not learned in childhood, it can be learned as an adult through books, classes, therapy, etc.

[@meansablay8437]

How do people communicate despite the differences in communication style?

[@jamesvowell3684]

This dudes good

[@veep1612]

I subscribed! your stuff is amazing....

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

+Thubten Puntsok Thank you for your kind words!

[@mathclass1758]

thank u sir

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

You're welcome, Nadia!

[@kingfurkhan4983]

it's amazing. i subscribed u. thank u very much.

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Thank you!

[@kingfurkhan4983]

ur wellcome

[@Wildkuh1874]

I've only watched the first minute of this video and I already feel personally attacked XD

[@pantherpr1]

Superficial general concepts.

[@loriseaborn3589]

hi I heard of say what you mean and mean what you say but I never heard of but don't be mean

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

Then that was the missing piece!

[@wedasantika6079]

So in summary... Passive: I lose U win Aggressive: I win U lose Passive-Aggressive: I lose U lose Assertive: I win U win

[@Serenityonlinetherapy]

I like that!