Attachment and Codependency: 5 Signs and How to Heal

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Are you noticing any co-dependent signs from your past or current relationships? I would love to hear your feedback below!

[@TqSNv9R0iG5Ckxew]

I respectfully suggest that you upgrade your microphone

[@yonahilbonalde4682]

I did on my past relationship; it makes so much sense why I did it...I am that child who always took the parent's role and still does 😔 tips for breaking the habit?

[@ashbjohnson]

My last relationship was with an avoidant rescuer, and when my situation improved I turned into an anxious rescuer. We started dating during a time I was struggling a lot and he helped me find a new place to live. When things got better for me, he became more distant, which triggered my anxious attachment. Eventually he was only coming around when I was in crisis and we were never spending time together when I was happy. I found your channel in April 2020 and have been deep diving into attachment theory ever since and it explains so much about what I experienced with my ex. I had no idea how codependent and anxious I could become. Thank your for your work!

[@daryljonesfoster4102]

@@TqSNv9R0iG5Ckxew how about you upgrade your speaker ?

[@TqSNv9R0iG5Ckxew]

@@daryljonesfoster4102 Because other youtube videos don't have this problem

[@XOR101]

Thank you so much for giving some examples of this that don't strictly involve substance abuse. So helpful as most videos focus on alcohol or drugs as the only sign of dependent behavior.

[@melanieelizabeth01]

Wow. I needed this today! I'm an anxious caretaker 100 percent. Ironically, I just got out of a short relationship with an avoidant rescuer. Both of us just divorced and played these roles in our marriage. Of course, I didn't know it at the time but we were in an anxious avoidant trap. The caretaker is something I really need to work on. I don't want to play the parent role in my future relationships. I'm not aggressive but my day job is professor, lecturer. So I tend to take over conversations. Thank you so much. I didn't realize how destructive caretaking is for the other.

[@SK-no2pp]

If a parent was unable or unwilling to be emotionally available, when you were a small child- helpless and dependent on them. You likely felt invisible as a kid. Parents are our first teachers of love- how to be loved, what love is, etc. Many people slowly realize that their romantic partners most resemble a negligent or abusive parent, and that they are only repeating the past in the present. Even our thoughts and inner voices may sound like them. Many times we attract partners like this for healing. You’re not “giving up.” Remember, you’re not a fix it, rehab center, nurse, therapist or their parent. Take care of yourself first.

[@noevargas4161]

You are a shining light in my path to self healing and self loving. Thank you.

[@paulheath4540]

Amazing insights.. uncomfortable but to familiar

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Paul Heath Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.

[@duygubayram5485]

the examples you described mary being my ex partner and john being me were EXACTLY us like right to the history of parenting styles, and in my head i pinned him down as avoidant and me as fearful avoidant, and then i get to end of the video and bam you say exactly those. this is wild, kinda fun haha

[@TorisGotAStory]

I feel like we both do those roles depending on the situation. Is that a thing or am I not looking deep enough at us both?

[@franciscoguevara9727]

u could've said it like john speaks his mind and sometimes the avoidants dont say shit at all and they supress it and bottle it up, and have no idea what they're feeling, and stepping in to say things for john is actually maybe john having valid concerns that the avoidants dont see because they have an overcompulsion to avoid any form of communication that is actually a very healthy and a part of the earned secure attachment to ask and communicate

[@felicityduijkersloot6043]

Can you switch between those roles? In a romantic relationship I’m the caretaker but in the relationship with my best friend I’m the dependent

[@franciscoguevara9727]

i can maybe fall into "traditionally speaking" more of a dependent role, and I can be extremely people pleasing, I'm looking for approval, and even if ive learnt and practiced a lot of boundaries, i can still struggle to go look for it in people that can't really validate me or be there in healthy ways. And , I am learning to validate myself. And create my own feelings of safety, happiness, and look for people that really like me, and not people who i feel I have to convince im good enough. Traditionaly speaking the female codependency role of taking care of an alcoholic partner, and the male alcoholic has changed a lot, now we know that alcoholics can be codependents in fact codependence is an addiction ,and all addiction stems from trauma.

[@Zelinity]

Hi Briana, at 3:15 you say something about the Dependent partner being the child who ABSORBED the dysfunction in their childhood home and tends to recreate that later in life. I wonder why? Shouldn't they be the one who want to be actively try to avoid the dysfunctional past? I want to learn more about this from you/your other videos if possible!

[@leemeyers5335]

Hi, unfortunately I deeply resonate with the Dependent's role this video describes in relationship to my own family dynamic. Hopefully, I can explain. While both parties absorbed the dysfunction to a degree, the Dependent person's demeanor (their temperament or psyche) was more vulnerable, which caused their difficulties in regulating themselves to be more severe and therefore become less functional in society as a whole, hence their role as the dependent. Both parties grew up in the same home, one was just slightly more genetically vulnerable. As a result of their sensitivity and emotional volatility they continue to attract more adverse experiences and this continues to lower their self-esteem. They also probably have some pretty self-defeating coping skills. They begin to conceptualize the victim role because they are, to some degree, accurately perceiving something is different about themselves that is not functioning as well as others, especially if they compare themselves to their caretaker who grew up in the exact same environment as they did. The shame they feel about their dependency and brokenness is high already and using the victim role to receive support perpetuates a very low and unstable self-esteem. So their one form of eliciting support and connection also perpetuates their learned helplessness. They do not know how to get their needs met outside of their role and they don't have a solid sense of self, (their sense of self has been tarnished, "the victim", the "dependent", and lacks the self-efficacy that would lead be becoming self actualized). Letting go of being the victim would be terrifying, they would be confronted with all their short-comings and dysfunction and faced with the enormous task of reinventing themselves without the support of the caretaker role, (who would inadvertently keep them stuck because of their own identity that is wrapped up in their helplessness). I've also experienced my attempts to grow out of the role be squashed or sabotaged by the caretaker in my family because it would threaten her identity and the dynamic everyone knows and hates. We don't know how to interact outside of the role, (she's a dismissive avoidant caretaker, works in the E.R.). I beg and prey everyday that I have the power to overcome my role and become whole and free.

[@adefenceofgrace]

@@leemeyers5335 helpful and thoughtful response!

[@franciscoguevara9727]

ure attacking anxious styles here. and its quite shaming.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

caretaking are being codependent also

[@JordanZucker]

Just mentioning that transcript on KZbin doesn't match this video. Thanks.

[@brianamacwilliam.attachment]

Sorry about that. Should be fixed now!

[@ezazkhan4233]

im codepency must problem people please must problem

[@ZenPepperClub]

I wish I had a girlfriend to be codependent with