Attachment Theory Emails - (Part 1)

[@Zullala]

Thank you! This one was so useful for me. I loved the question about when to bring up your preoccupied attachment style to your date. Yeah! If he runs away then that saves me a lot of heart ache in the long run. I have this habit of hiding anything that I think will cause the other person to abandon me... But I can't hide it forever and I don't think it's healthy to to push it down. I want to find a partner who's understanding of my issues. Someone I can safely talk to about my feelings. I'm in therapy for my attachment style... But my insurance is expiring in a few days and I'm not sure if my insurance will be renewed. So today may be the last therapy session. I'm pretty sad about it but at least I have a good foundation now and I'm much more self aware.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Yes! If he runs, good riddance.

[@mopeppermomoney]

I am so excited to listen to this! I realized I exhibit the behaviors of the attachment-avoident person when I watch an episode you covered of Nicole and Azan. It really helped me to realize that these unhelpful habits I have when met with pain from my partner or potential attachments have a name. While it is complex, it is nice to know that these behaviors are common among people with my habits. I'm currently working on breaking the initiation of the cycle (for me, it begins with agitation and ends with explosive anger) by taking a breath and telling my partner "I don't think you're intending to hurt me so can we please talk about this because I'm hurting. I need you to reassure me that we are ok" It has done WONDERS as we are currently navigating an ongoing issue in our relationship. It's corny sometimes but it's healthy.

[@nicky132]

I love the barking sounds 😍 You have such a lovely attitude towards your dog, you really get him/her 😇

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

He gets me too.

[@lesliefonseca8149]

I loved this episode! I'm relatively new to the podcast (I started with the 90-day fiance content), but I love this deep dive style. Makes me feel like Dr. Honda is our professor too! 😂

[@oscarbridges1367]

So excited to listen to this! I love all your content Dr. Honda! Especially the podcasts with Humberto.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Thanks, Oscar!

[@dedu98]

Isn't it Alberto? Omg. I've been saying it wrong this whole time?

[@audiescafe]

It’s my 21st birthday today and I get to start it off by relaxing to a new podcast! Yayyyy 🥳

[@noemichopin]

Happy birthday :)

[@bashmeesh]

Happy Birthday!

[@JackBrady]

Happy birthday!! :)

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Happy Birthday! Same birthday as Miley Cyrus and Bruce Hornsby.

[@Schiffon]

Happy Birthday!

[@therabbithat]

Amir Levine talks in Attached about how avoidant attached people almost always have a "phantom ex" the person they idealize and put on a pedestal, and they think they wouldn't be like this if not for that person, that that was "the one" and they blew it so now they can't love like they used to.... but yeah no we were insecurely attached since we were kids, whoever the first love was we would have ended up insecurely attached afterwards, according to the book anyway. I'm insecure-preoccupied and at first I thought it was because of my ex, but now I see that was always going to be my style, sigh

[@branislavazivic6873]

Thank you for the episode, btw I really like when your pets come to say hello to us both cats and dog :) It put smile on my face

[@TheGamingFilly]

WRT the term "emotional manipulator" (second question he reads), I don't see what is wrong with pointing out a behavior. I have a family member who I view as an emotional manipulator. I don't think that describing this behavior has to mean that the person is evil or a psychopath or that they are doing it intentionally or consciously, or that it denies that the person is in distress. But when someone starts to cry and self flagellate and fall on their sword and threaten self harm and suicide when you criticize their poor treatment of you, I don't see how it's inaccurate or wrong to call that emotional manipulation. Consciously or not, they are doing something that makes others feel like shit for criticizing them and are emotionally coercing that person to stop confronting them and start comforting them when they are the one who is being abusive.

[@sallycinnamon5370]

I think the point is that emotional manipulator implies a level of malice and forethought that leaves little room to move forward. To point it out will generally end in bickering about whether the person is doing it intentionally instead of helping the situation. I think that there is nothing wrong with pointing out when they are doing and saying things that make you feel bad. Dr Honda specifically says that just because you understand and acknowledge a persons behaviour is coming from a place of hurt, not malice, doesn’t mean that you have to support it or allow it into your life. You are allowed to put up barrier to protect yourself. I think with label “emotional manipulator” comes the feeling that that is where the attention for relationship modification should be concentrated. Whereas it seems like attachment theory would say start from the underlying reason for distress and the distress reaction will be easier to modify.

[@TheGamingFilly]

@@sallycinnamon5370 edit: never mind, I don't really feel like arguing about it. But I will add that it seems disingenuous to claim (as Kirk did) that the prime example of what most people mean when they say "emotional manipulator" is referring to an ex who supposedly never loved you. IME that is not at all what people mean by the term.

[@sallycinnamon5370]

@@TheGamingFilly I think that’s an instance where you have to draw barriers. It is manipulative. But to call them manipulators and concentrating on that I don’t think is helpful. I have never been witness to a situation where simply pointing out that they are manipulating emotions has caused the person to stop. And I have seen many instances clinically of people, particularly with BPD, exhibiting these behaviours. It ahs always ended with arguments over the legitimacy of their suicidality and occasionally escalated to self harm, soft attempts, or attempts that are genuine but still cause lasting harm Sometimes I think Dr Honda is a bit over the top recommending that every couple should do counselling...however any relationship with a person that is that highly distressed that they flail wildly to threats of that kind should be seeing a couples counsellor and ideally also individual therapy.

[@spiralmewtrix]

I'm a single parent with a 10 year old who has tantrums like the ones Angie's kid has. It's incredibly difficult to deal with as someone who has PTSD. Over time I've slowly come to handle my reaction to her tantrums better, but it's been a very long and hard road. I live with my sister and her boyfriend but because they have their own responsibilities they don't help very much. I'm grateful for the help they do provide sometimes, though. It helps to know that there's other people out there dealing with the same thing.

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

I'm sorry you're going through that. I've worked with many families suffering with this. I hope you find an understanding family therapist.

[@sweetapple122]

I really appreciate you explaining this. I now have a different perspective on attachment styles. if feels relieving to know that what i was feeling after my breakup was normal. And that it can be changed.

[@judithtovaasmr9681]

Loved this soooo much. Not only informative but super relaxing to listen to as well 😊

[@essendossev362]

Oh daaaarn, looks like you gotta do a whole part 2!

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

It's coming!

[@ModernSouthernBelle]

Your parenting advice is always so good. ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Aw thanks!

[@jonpender]

Mexican beaches or beaches in Mexico. In psychology, the dark triad comprises the personality traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy.

[@francares4utherapist504]

I wanted to add to the temper tantrum question . I agree with Dr. Honda that the child may have a highly sensitive temperament. Check out the book, The Highly Sensitive Child. Also, as a therapist for kids and families for 20 years, I can tell you, video games are causing a lot anger outbursts! They are addictive. Plus, we are in a pandemic so kids have less outlets for their emotions. Kids are more attached to their games and their gaming friends more than ever. The parent may want to try limiting the video games and finding some other activities.

[@Frasianfamily]

According to the RIE parenting method, babies can’t manipulate their parents for attention nor can they be spoiled from too much love.

[@Larstrollheim97]

I certainly hope babies aren’t in preschool in America? In Norway it’s mostly children above 1,5 years old who get put into kindergarten. Many don’t start there until 2-3 years old

[@SailorSlay]

My parenting experience is that cracking down never works ever

[@melissachinnici]

very insightful!

[@kmonkey8874]

Time stamps?

[@dilaudum1075]

Dr. Honda, I want to let you know you have at least one more fan from Istanbul :))

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Istanbul!

[@lizliz4186]

Thank you! 😄❤️

[@nineteenfortyeight]

A psychologist who doesn't know the difference between love and limerence. Great.

[@gorefieldluvr6921]

YESSSS

[@SoftChroma]

I’m one of those “attachment parenting” people. My youngest is 5 now 🤗

[@PsychologyInSeattle]

Yay!