Understanding Trauma - Part 6 - Adaptations and Soul Murder

Complex Trauma - when a child is in an ongoing environment of danger or where their needs are not met - requires the child to adapt. They hope it will result in safety and getting their needs met. But what happens if it doesn't? They must then shut down (murder) parts of themselves in order to survive physically. Tim talks about 11 things a child may need to shut down in order to survive.
Thanks for reaching out! Read below to discover ways you can help, or go to our website: www.timfletcher.ca!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LEARN
🔍 ONLINE
🎓 BRAND NEW Courses + Memberships available at www.timfletcher.ca/membership...
🎓 LIFT Online Learning is available from the comfort of your home. Book a no-commitment intake using the following link: calendly.com/nicole-b-j/45min
🔗 CONNECT WITH A SUPPORT GROUP Request access to our Facebook group! Link here: www.facebook.com
🎓 Counselling is available worldwide in English. Please fill out our inquiry form: forms.monday.com/forms/478e01...
🎓 Coaching is limited to our LIFT Online Learning or in-person RE/ACT clients. If you are interested, please see the link above for LIFT Online Learning and book your intake call today.
🔍 IN-PERSON
🎓 We are working hard to get RE/ACT centres and programs set up around the globe. See where the closest location to you is here: www.timfletcher.ca/learn-in-p...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TEACH
🎓 COMPASS Facilitator & Coach Training is offered to LIFT Online Learning graduates who would like to facilitate our programs or further their education as Complex Trauma coaches. Our coaches and facilitators help those living with addictions, process their trauma and assist them in developing techniques that lead to better decision-making and healthier lives. Learn more here: www.timfletcher.ca/teach
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ENGAGE
🎓 Workshops are being made available where you, a group or organization can attend to learn about Complex Trauma. Workshops are specific to Complex Trauma and vocation themes, and offer detailed information about how Complex Trauma creates dysfunction and offers tools for healing.
www.timfletcher.ca/engage
🎓 SEMINARS & WEBINARS Contact us to book a webinar or an in-person seminar with Tim Fletcher. Email: [e-mail]. Topics include: Trauma-Informed Care, Anger, Shame and Codependency.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LICENSE
🎓 LIFT Online Learning is available for trainees or licensee hopefuls in order to best understand healing and provide successful peer-to-peer support. It is available from the comfort of your home. Find out more information here: www.timfletcher.ca/learn-online
🔍 PROGRAM LICENSING OPTIONS
- - - - - - - -
Individual, Not-for-Profit, Church, Private Practice, Prison, Youth Worker, Social Services Agency, Counsellor or Community Collaborative? We have easy-to-implement program options for you! Browse the options here (www.timfletcher.ca/license) or contact us today: [e-mail]
- - - - - - - - -
🌐 Go to timfletcher.ca to find out more.

[@BenOnuMuDiyorum]

"Soul Murder" I've never seen much accurate and drastic way of saying it

[@madeofwar8781]

I think Pete's Walker book on the subject said the same thing. It's an accurate description.

[@BenOnuMuDiyorum]

@@madeofwar8781 which book is that you mentioned? I'd like to check it out.

[@randallsmerna384]

It angers me that Tim stole the term "Soul Murder" which originally describes the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence. He is talking about "Identity Betrayal". Soul Murder is separate from and gravely, distinctly different from Identity Betrayal.

[@sandarahcatmom9897]

There were a couple of writers who used the term back in the 90’s. Not new, just lost for a while in the more materialistic view of the current era. I think there was one book with that exact title, though it didn’t blame the kid for the murder… every thinker who looks into the outcome of severe abuse frames it differently, but similarly.

[@AbuseFree23]

It’s so profound have chills Wow

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

I became a super people-pleaser. An expert at regulating others' emotions and creating peace and finding solutions for others. To accomplish this I had to always say No to myself and my needs and always say yes to others. I became no one. I ceased to exist. I was only a tool to make others feel good about themselves. I was not allowed to have boundaries but was expected to respect others' boundaries. I woke up at 52 and learn to get to know myself for the first time. It is scary to start setting boundaries because I've been taught that if I upset anyone my life is in danger and I will be ostracized. But I'm an adult now. I will survive even if people leave.

[@elizabethy2912]

You are not alone. I was also a super- people pleaser!! At 57, I was awoken by the fact that I had married a very abusive husband for 32 years!! I am also trying to figure out who I am. God led me out of this, and He has given me a support system that I have never had. My daughter and I went to church, at her insistence,( she's autistic and schizophrenic). We now have a church family, and we've stopped constantly moving ( Being isolated ) by the narc, and put down roots . I hope you can find a support system , too. Tim has opened my eyes to a very murky childhood that I could never figure out!! I'll be praying that you will find a safe haven and support system, and that we ALL heal, or get on the road to healing, and peace !!

[@tylersmom6514]

Oh my, you are living parallel to me.. I to am an empathetic people pleaser. No boundaries to say no to others. Goals to please people so can feel sense of value… I too am 52 and this information hits hard…. Sending prayers your way… As you said we can get past this….

[@charlottetaylor4471]

Good for you! And yes, we need to recognise that, now as adults, we can handle rejection and loss of attachment/love - it may hurt for a while, but it definitely won't kill us. We can recover and move on (something impossible for us when we were children.)

[@pendulumhealingschool]

Same same, I woke up and I'm 44, no relationship, no children and now no job. The social pressure is so painful but I am finally understanding that this is the result of a life full of people pleasing, like you said, expert at regulating others, taking it all on me so everybody around could feel happy, safe and protected. You are not alone, this is our recovery journey ❤

[@ldrawdy]

Ditto

[@matthewdietzen6708]

"Shutting the gut down..." Yeah, that is VERY relatable. My whole childhood was a minefield of "this feels wrong, but what choice do I have?" I felt like a POW....

[@agc1161]

Thank you for sharing. I resonate and there's this constant feeling of being violated. Yet enduring the violation. It's very disturbing. I often say I feel I'm wearing this mask of tolerance, but in reality I'm in opposition to what is occuring.(when I say yes) I know it feels wrong yet I'm shut down.

[@user-dn5bi4si5w]

I think a lot of us felt like POWs. Our parents held us hostage.

[@fredontime]

POW’s Unite? Let’s unlock the chains and bring peace, love and understanding. Does anyone have the key (tears streaming) ?

[@MarilynMejorado-ee8qh]

Me too!! I hope you find peace. It hit me in the gut. I'm glad I listened!! 😊

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

@@agc1161 Your description gave words to what I have trouble articulating. I feel that if I'm grey rocking that I'm actually supressing anger which is supposed to be unhealthy. But to try and establish boundaries, I have explained everything from every angle to my parents for decades. They either do no hear me, or just do not accept that I have my own tastes or any right for boundaries. Plus they get weirdly excited if we're "debating" my rights, they seem to enjoy the drama it feels quite sickly, so Grey Rock seems the least painful way to deal with them. If it was any other person I would run a mile within a couple of encounters, but can't get myself to do it with my parents, expecially because we have an 8 year old. He doesn't enjoy being with them either, I think he senses their bad mental health, but to go no contact seems so drastic. But I do end up living with this sense like you say @agc1161 of allowing myself to be constantly violated. Love and courage to you 💗

[@1MaKEVelli]

It's scary how your parents can be your worst enemy and that's an under statement!!

[@BrightestBlessings7899]

Sadly so true.

[@Indigo_outlaw]

Along with being their own worst enemy. So many generations of unhealed trauma.

[@c.d.6371]

That's correct, they only know what they know. Besides, we chose our parents to help with our v life lessons for soul growth. If life it's too easy... no growth.

[@1MaKEVelli]

@@c.d.6371 Certainly something to think about !! 💯

[@angelikad8325]

Yes they can betraid you.That is the sadest part to betraid of your own mother

[@alanm6o9]

I had my soul lowkey murdered under the guise of “everything will be ok just do what your told by authority” one day when you realize that adults never had their shit together, it hurts a lot

[@Stubbornclarity]

Same. I hope you find healing and peace 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️. I hope happiness finds you. Everything you've suffered you didn't deserve. 💛

[@karenr411]

I remember as a teenager realizing my mom was trying kill my spirit 😢 so I became out of control and angry in order to save my soul. The survival mode has been a destructive force since 😢

[@modiaz2026]

This is exactly what happened to me. I also did the same and became scary angry to protect the real and vulnerable pain that I should have been able to reveal if there was a tiny chance she actually would have respected me and cared. I'm so sorry!

[@Life4AllUs]

Me too until last year and finally these things took place without my knowledge at first.

[@ansheng9833]

Same thing happened to me...I guess it's the root of my 'anger issues'? The destructive rage has led to some mighty poor choices that I'm fixing now, but at least my spirit is still alive, so I'm not sure if I regret it or not.

[@Iamam313]

same but my "father"

[@lynnfarley7859]

I heard you- when my father died my mom just checked out on alcohol. I was 8. Suffered constantly. Got into the drug scene of the 70s . Thankfully my step dad put me in a juvenile rehab at 16. Saved my life.

[@nicholassmith7473]

I suppose im a lost child. Im 42 sitting in my house after being laid off with no friends in the world or any family left watching a video reminding me of my childhood. IDK

[@Sadbuttrue-ThatSwedishGirl]

❤❤❤

[@marykennedysherin3330]

God is our faithful Father and companion. Trust and lean on Him for healing and wisdom!🙏🏻❤️

[@valentinarose9165]

Same, it sucks

[@susanabbott8376]

Praying for all of us “lost child” for complete restoration. It is a journey. We can do this!

[@igottheshaft]

[@weaviejeebies]

The sheer magnitude of what we suffered, and continue to suffer, is staggering.

[@davidnorman2134]

In adulthood, your physical body is 47 years old yet your emotional body is operating at the 8 year old developmental level. Especially when you needed to focus on staying alive compared to developing

[@ChannellRajal]

Yes I’m discovering that I am exactly this, and it is such an odd predicament to have logic, knowledge, personal beliefs and preferences that seem to not get applied somehow. Then I realized the 7 year old overrides and has seniority over all things, but is hidden and you can never even find out about them for your entire life

[@rg1whiteywins598]

Yes, I'm 64, high IQ like an adult but my soul is like about age 8. Interesting that age 8 shows up for both of us. 😢

[@AEM479]

@@rg1whiteywins598Same (Not Same high IQ as you 😊) but Same in thinking a few days ago that 7 or 8 is when my soul started getting “murdered” (I was thinking “stolen” but “murdered” makes a TON of sense 😊)

[@rebeccabrown251]

What a joy to keep learning about more trauma that we have.. it's freaking depressing.

[@rebeccabrown251]

Around 8 years old for me to. My mother used weed as our babysitter.

[@beebeeisdatpreciousbabycak690]

This was absolutely painful to hear how terrible our parents completely FAILED us.

[@lisacurtis8162]

And thier parents failed them and thier parents failed them all the way back originally 6000 years ago. It takes a miracle to break the pattern. Pray.

[@nicholassmith7473]

@@phoenixaz8431 I feel more or less the same way

[@phoenixaz8431]

@@nicholassmith7473 Sorry to hear that. Thing is, I'm extremely double-minded, and so this is how I may feel and think on some days, other days, not quite. Life has been tough, almsot a constantly battle in my mind, but I accept the fact that I may be wrong about God. And so, on some days, I do pray to him. Hold on, friend. Focus on what you DO have, the good things etc. When i do that, it lifts my mood. Take care.

[@leahflower9924]

​@@lisacurtis8162so it was all good before 6,000 years ago maybe it was hunter gatherer types sound less toxic than civilization

[@amberfahr5992]

It's been hurting me for my whole life. Just sucks hearing it explained out loud

[@michaelbkopp5323]

Not even 20 min into this, and my childhood is being highlighted...hitting HARD

[@Pooch.12.3]

Same.

[@janwilson4500]

Yea it does hit you hard when it's explained properly tim is very good at that and opens the mind up that you can understand even although it hurts when you can relate to it

[@DanielleMM-ct8ip]

The algorithm is trying to really help me, thank you

[@MarilynMejorado-ee8qh]

Same here! 🤗

[@cathsrq]

Yup. Same.

[@Narsufin]

52 minutes and 13 seconds of nodding and saying "Yep, that too..." and realising at the end that I'm not upset by any of it because I'm dead inside.

[@ginam8505]

🙏🏻❤

[@christiner7161]

❤

[@MsTasha217]

🫶🏼

[@cm9317]

I'm the lost child. Neglectful & emotionally unavailable parents who had problems with addiction & mental illness. Then I was shamed & bullied at school by my peers for being poor & overweight. I always felt it was better to just disappear & not try to get my needs met by others. As I child I felt people weren't "safe" & not much has changed as an adult.

[@seabhactheshifty4741]

I've consistently had trouble with "getting help". Even when I overcame my internal denial and fear, others wouldn't pick up on just how bad I was doing/hiw serious things were, because I automatically came across as self-reliant, rational, intelligent, "sane," minimising complaints, being "objective".. I really had to break down completely(mental and physical) to finally get into a program of assistance, therapy, coaching, physical rehabilitation. I am already so much better, though still struggling with something as simple as calling a plumber for my clogged drain (after goodness knows how many DIY attempts) 🤦🏼‍♂️

[@marykennedysherin3330]

Now you have an opportunity to heal and grow and have the life you deserve! God can make a way! Not one of us ever perfect, I strive for peace and contentment 🙏🏻❤️

[@irenemorley75]

Not many poor people are overweight 🤔

[@cm9317]

@irenemorley75 so basically you're calling me a liar. Thanks. Well I got news for ya, I was overweight and poor, so clearly it does happen. Everything I said is true.

[@seabhactheshifty4741]

@@irenemorley75 you do know kids being bullied at school for being poor is usually based on a level of poverty like second hand clothing, no brand stuff, not able to afford after school activities, vacations etc.Being poorER than their peers, not literally starving to death poor..? Also unhealthy unbalanced diets (sugar, fat and refined carbs) are cheaper than healthy fresh fruit, veg and protein rich diets, which leads to more obesity in lower income households.

[@danthompson5797]

I'm glad this guy popped up on KZbin.

[@lunablader7913]

Fr tho. Its so informative and puts everything into a way that i cant articulate but relate to. Wish i could talk to someone like this but the one time i went to a therapist it felt like they didnt really care about me and now i cant afford any therapy.

[@danthompson5797]

@@lunablader7913 I consider everybody I meet to be a potential therapist. I get it where I can

[@susanmercurio1060]

I felt when I was a child that my mother was trying to destroy my spirit. She had been gaslighting me for as long as I can remember. You don't know what a vacancy you carry in your heart when you know that your mother doesn't want you or love you. I'm 77 and I still have that loss in my heart. I will never get over it. But I don't agree that the child always assumes that it's their fault. I always knew that it wasn't me. There was something wrong with her. I didn't murder my soul. I fought back. Now I've had several psychologists tell me that I'm miraculously sane for what my parents gave me to work with.

[@sandarahcatmom9897]

Amazing. Glad you survived. I’ve seen some strong souls who fought back and it observably turned the tide in their lives. There aren’t many of you.

[@susanmercurio1060]

@@sandarahcatmom9897 Thank you very much for your thoughts. I know I'm rare. It's hard to get through life as not many people, including therapists, get it like you do. As well as the therapists I mentioned, I have had others laugh in my face. Lately I've found that it has been the kindness of strangers that has helped me most.

[@charging7]

I'm guessing one of the things you didn't get was unrelentlessly physically beat? It adds a whole new measure of seriousness to "you better get in line". If you fought back, you had to have been given room to fight back, in others' experiences, this wasn't an option, it led to more pain so you learn not to fight back

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

Same as me, I always knew it wasn't me or my fault. Ive had psychologists congratulate me..for not suiciding. I'm 66 this year, struggling again now, after a good few years.

[@psychshell4644]

My parents did the best that they could. They each had an alcoholic parent, who had alcoholic parent.

[@calliemist]

I didn’t know I was murdering my soul as a child. All I knew I had so much fear and I had to force pretend that I was brave: I wasn’t mean but I roared. This fear has ruled my life in every way

[@randallsmerna384]

You weren't! You were Betraying Your Identity! Soul murder has already been coined as meaning the direct consequences of sexual molestation of a child on their very existence. If you were murdering yourself it would be called "suicide" not "murder".

[@kevinbissinger]

​@@randallsmerna384 bud, you don't know what trauma this person went through...

[@randallsmerna384]

@@kevinbissingerI don't know what He's been through but I know EXACTLY what he talking about! Besides, "Soul Murder" is a term that has ALREADY been coined to mean what I mentioned.

[@testtest2609]

​@@randallsmerna384Have you checked out Dave McGowan's book Programmed To K? People are systematicly programmed to make them more obedient. Soul merder is same, taking you out & installing the abuser's will on you. Judith Herman calls it robotization. Also known as Stockholm Syndrome

[@Stubbornclarity]

I think I can understand what you're saying. You roared because the fear tries to overcome you. And sometimes you just have to roar. It's a taking back your power.

[@babyblue5001]

" if I flirt and stay beautiful I will get my need met" sad but true ,made me cry.

[@janwisz4070]

This explains my promiscuous behavior in my teens and twenties

[@janwisz4070]

I collected trophies instead of having meaningful relationships

[@DanielleMM-ct8ip]

This is the crux of sex and love addiction. Slaa saved me from breaking free of that- strongly recommend

[@BanjoPixelSnack]

“Anger is our friend. Not a nice friend. Not a gentle friend. But a very, very loyal friend. It will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It will always tell us when it is time to act in our own best interests.” - Julia Cameron.

[@RM-qq5rj]

Starting at 27:24 describes perfectly what I experienced on repeat growing up. "Quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about" "Get that angry look off your face or I'll knock it off you" etc. I didn't even have to say or do anything, just having the perceived facial expression was punished. Even happy emotions were punished for being "too loud" or "selfish" or whatever other reason they wanted to use as to why I was wrong to have them. I wasn't allowed to have any emotions, any expressions on my face, any choices, any independence, but yet all the blame and responsibilities of an adult. And now here I am, wondering why I'm the way I am and can't connect to other people or have my needs met. I guess I was expected to be a robot, but they would've found something wrong with that too.

[@xenatron9056]

Have you heard about being the 'scapegoat'. I had similar experiences.....'take what you're given or have none'. 'Don't just stand there, do something'. ;You think you're so good don't you, you think you're better than me'. These and such other things, constantly being struck over the ear, flogged over and over with a block of wood, heck, even had to watch the cat being hung and strangled by my father....... yeah, it's all a monumental fuck up,, and the thing is, people just don't understand the paralysis inside and the struggle to survive. As an adult, people would comment on my lawn, that it was never mowed, but I had no mower and no money to pay someone. It took 7 months before anyone offered to help me. I heard someone comment and say, 'she must like it like that'. People just don't get it. Been working on changing my inner dialogue for a long time, but I keep myself to myself as I still can't form anything healthy without ruining it in some form or other, simply because I feel so needy. I wish you well and God speed your recovery.

[@kaystephens2672]

I look at it this way. I've had the opportunity to think about this for a couple of years. Much of this is projected from what lies inside our parent that they can't handle or manage, and who I don't think see.. I ran across an article by chance about the Jezebel spirit and how it attatches to a host and they are not aware of it because of their own trauma. But the good news for people like us who feel that something's wrong, are aware of this possible presence because we feel bad about ourselves, but we really know we're not. We don't believe the behavior. To me, whatever it is, wherever it comes from, doesn't matter if we recognize that their behavior was unacceptable to Us. So that knowing is my answer. Think about it. Maybe they were lost and blind. But we refuse to be. We can try to love them. But nobody said we ever had to Like the way they acted. You don't have to feel anything. Because you know Better than to accept that about yourself. It just doesn't matter.

[@leahflower9924]

I am unofficially borderline so I get angry and sometimes crazy but I can't imagine saying cold hearted phrases like that it seems sadistic and so many of our ancestors said it I'm glad people are becoming more self actualized

[@bc6352]

I screened shotted your post. It is my exact experience growing up as a young child. I thank you for it.

[@RM-qq5rj]

@@bc6352 I'm sorry you experienced that, but the truth is coming out so now all of this similar trauma we experienced can be dealt with and we can begin our healing journeys. God bless you and bring healing to you

[@Rosebro111]

Instead of soul murder it’s more of a soul disconnect. Murder implies it’s lost forever, but we can heal & reconnect

[@techjunkie68smusicandtech56]

this is what is being inflicted on all of us, generation by generation, from bad to worse! Soul murder indeed...

[@christeiicook999]

Exactly

[@ashchenni]

You mean I can actually heal? This makes so much sense, nobody has ever understood me to this fundamental level….. I listened to this and took notes and felt hopeful that everything makes sense now. Thank you.

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@robertafierro5592]

This describes part of my childhood to a T. This was very difficult to listen to. I'm 64 and I just want to cry for the rest of my life.

[@rebeccabrown251]

In therapy all my life never helped. This guy telling me exactly what and how I am, depressing, just life shattering. How many years do I have left to change an entire life worth of trauma ? Deep trauma. And here I thought I was doing OK.

[@maya9685]

I feel with both of you ❤

[@baldwinangel1218]

Im 60 and still can't shake off the damage they did, even after 5 yrs therapy. Solo and group. Like gum on my shoe no matter all the new agey positive thinking crap.

[@debrakarr996]

Me too.

[@sandrapiedade4534]

💙🫂

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Yep, gotta love narc family systems👺…..I’ve been healing for almost 9 yrs and feel soooo much better….boundaries, healthy reciprocal relationships and constant education has worked for me ❤

[@BrightestBlessings7899]

I am 56 yrs old and only recently realized that I have not EVER been safe! Not once for one minute! And i see how terribly I have failed my children. They were perfect. I needed healed before I had them.

[@scarlettking8246]

That's the overwhelming guilt / shame I have is, what have I done to my kids? 😢

[@LastMinuteMinistry]

Me neither 😢

[@Stubbornclarity]

Same! I didn't know how to properly parent my kids. I loved them,but I was so wrapped up in trying to numb my own pain that I missed out. I feel like I wasn't the parent I could have been. I had zero teaching on parenting and managing my emotions in a healthy way. It should be part of school starting in grade seven. Same with screening for making sure no kids are being bullied or abused in school or especially at home.

[@nuthinbutluv4u142]

I read every book I could, took college courses and seminars, listen to the life experience of others to learn how to parent. I knew what NOT to do, but not what TO do. Now with the internet there is easier access to a lot of information. Good luck in your travels. ❤

[@Tanner_page4]

Imagine one good day about your life as vividly as possible….this exercise has greatly helped my personal healing.

[@KatWoodland]

@MichelleontheMoon My “one good day” has only nature in it. My mother is busy with something. She’s not there to spoil my imagination and my simply enjoyment. Excellent day. I’ll keep imagining this glorious day.

[@Frejborg]

Like the Peter Pan "happy place". That story is really a metaphor for this very struggle being discussed here.

[@user-lw3ri8us4w]

​@@KatWoodland lovely exercise, kat!!! sounds heavenly (:

[@KatWoodland]

@@user-lw3ri8us4wThank you for the invitation to imagine. ❤

[@KatWoodland]

@moonflower366 *Your* invitation :)

[@yvonnem9045]

My adaptations were/are: people pleasing, getting good grades, escaping into books, suppressing my feelings., assuming it was my fault.

[@Stubbornclarity]

Same. Didn't do me much good though. Now I'm trying to focus on coping in a healthy way and making sure that I don't lash out at the bullies around me. Adapt and overcome. I hope you find peace 🕊️. And lots of happiness.

[@somethinggood-sy1ed]

Same. Except I knew it was my parents fault

[@savii4912]

i’m the child who made myself feel small. if i’m quiet, and don’t upset anyone, then maybe they’ll leave me alone in my peace . it’s hurts to realize that

[@winonafrog]

Me too-now I’m in my 30’s. When I sleep my dreams are full of people and connections, then I wake in the dark alone and sob for an hour 😢

[@vanessasworder8375]

This was me also … I wake up in the night panicked from time to time … I am on a journey of healing my inner child ❤

[@berlinetta____2680]

I dissociate/d...to everything and I struggle to feel any emotions. Life sometimes feels hard. I feel like it is a never ending hill as I believe the only way I can "get out of it" is to force myself to stop dissociating. I have chronic digestive issues. Thank-you for these video's Tim. All the best to everyone in your healing.

[@2degucitas]

Me also, everything you said.

[@agc1161]

Thank you for sharing. My stomach hurts daily, also dry heaving daily, bowels issues (even as I type, I feel a nervousness & flatulence) Often those around me have stated they witness me "zoning out". I believe this is a coping strategy of mine. I really pray we're able to heal & break free!!!

[@musicmamma]

I have class D errosive esophagus and constant Gerd, the runs, (or can't go). My guts are severely f*&^ed-up. My mind as well. As I age alone w no family support, my kids grown (don't care), it hits HARD!!

[@maydavies888]

I remember my mother shooting downy dreams in childhood. I remember the conversation so clearly. From then on, I had no confidence. I tried to break the spell so many times.

[@angelamossucco2190]

❤ try ACA meetings. You can heal.

[@MZ-ry3rj]

Not being able to break the spell. This is exactly how it feels to me

[@nealwailing3870]

My mother cut ambition off whenever it was suggested

[@averieway]

"can't say I'm not disappointed" 😬

[@2degucitas]

She was keeping you in a box that didn't make her feel challenged by a capable, talented child. There's also the "no one did anything for me, why should I do for you?"

[@m0L3ify]

"Therefore, if I want connection, I must kill my authenticity." I was severely punished for being authentic as a small child, but I never put it in the context of rejection. Except that's exactly what it was. And it was extreme, violent rejection. I think re-framing it this way is really going to help me get over some hurdles I've been struggling with. Thank you.

[@testtest2609]

This is the work of Gabor Maté. Tim doesn't give credit & steals other's work.

[@m0L3ify]

@@testtest2609 Well, I've listened to Gabor Mate's interviews and lectures and didn't hone in on this at the time, so if Tim is integrating ideas from different sources, then I'm grateful to him for repeating it here because it provided the essential key to my healing that I was looking for and has greatly improved my life in a profound way.

[@DanielleMM-ct8ip]

@@testtest2609this started with John Bradshaw who came before Dick Schwartz of inner family systems. John Bradshaw was wayyy before Gabor mate. Pia melody and Bradshaw were the OGs. Gabor mate while awesome didn’t create parts work or fragmented parts. They are from the 70s

[@robnobert]

​@@testtest2609 are you seriously claiming NOBODY knew trauma could be caused by punishing authenticity before Gabor Mate said it!?!??!? -- 🤷‍♂️ like bro, the level of stupid is so fuckin' high with you just give up. Nobody is stealing anything.

[@amberXie-tl6ee]

This is something a healthily raised person could never ever understand. This is a lonely healing life-long journey. Telling people about the real life we went through only brings more hurt to oneself.

[@sxfnlc]

Right now I am experiencing extreme disassociation and have forgotten who I am. It’s very scary. But I was the invisible one and the fixer, perfectionist.

[@nicholassmith7473]

me too

[@KellenAdair]

Many of these kids become Narcissists. Perpetuating the Soul Murder on others. In a criminal way, too. Liars who "'came to kill, and to steal and destroy". ~ In, Timothy.

[@grmpEqweer]

"...and have forgotten who I am." A voice in my head upon reading that: "Wow, that sounds nice." 😖 ...I still don't like myself that much...

[@sxfnlc]

@@grmpEqweer oh I’m sorry. You are loved. And worth knowing.

[@MorningUniverse]

Believe me, I am you! It sucks!

[@nancystevens7447]

My parents left me at a rest stop when I was 5. I was there for 8 hours before they returned to retrieve me. It’s always there,I’m very resourceful but extremely cautious. I focus on how it benefited me and it softens the edges…..

[@dessaarnold7540]

I'm so sorry you endured that.

[@RubySlippers369]

My mother left me alone in a strange city at the park. I lost so much trust for her after that.

[@varshana81]

@@RubySlippers369This experience of a parent going AWOL (in providing safety and security) is so true. I think parents who do this are deficient themselves and my mother, for example, never had a mother. Mother died when my mom was an infant.

[@attheranch873]

That’s horrifying!

[@Stubbornclarity]

That's awful 😢! I want to say you seem very resourceful and resilient despite the upbringing you had. That's neat. I hope you find peace and happiness.

[@suzijorgensen6545]

I was overweight and shamed for it by my mum. She also over-sexualised me so I threw myself at ANY MAN I met. And I was constantly rejected for being "fat"..... and when my mother brought a predator home I knew it was wrong, but mom still denies it happened. She still talks about her trauma, and I STILL have to SHUT UP! I have no idea what it is to be loved. What was it that I went through?

[@TheSapphireLeo]

Abuse and colonialism , as is their "food (prn)" and "med" marketing?

[@jenrich111]

❤hey 👋 please know that you don't have to tolerate being told to "shut up" anymore. Just leave and never let them hurt you again. You matter and your feelings matter, fellow human person ❤ You deserve safe space to heal your emotions and do "complex grief" work

[@redhead8777]

She outsourced her responsibilty for you to others. Misery loves company...

[@kellyl1457]

It sounds like your mother was a narcissist. If you look up some videos about this it will shed more light on what you endured.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

💖So sorry. My mum quite literally force-feeds people, my brother and I and nephew and niece from childhood, then when we get fat she locks up food behind a lock (literally, I'm not kidding) and says derogatory things. It's just so crazy! The only reason I even started thinking there is something wrong with her approach is when as a kid I went to a friend's house, and my friend's mother said they were on a diet. This diet consisted all of us cooking something delicious together and calmly eating it together, pleased with our good choices and how good it turned out. No shaming whatsoever, my friend's mum turned this "diet" into a beautiful memory for all of us. My own mum never eats with us, not when I was a child and not now everyone is aging. She just stares and keeps piling on more food. My stomach always burns when I have to eat in front of her being stared at.

[@April-dt8pp]

I've always been the one to become invisible....everyone tells me I was an outgoing child who didn't know a stranger and loved everyone....but so many times I remember being shushed or told to go play or hurt in some other way, so I learned to keep to myself. Now I'm an introvert at the age of 50.

[@CorpsesReborn]

Relatable. Tl;dr of my story as a child I experienced every form of abuse. I still consider myself lucky. Lost all of my friends growing up, most dead or long gone. Dont be scared to cut contact from everyone whos trash in your life and never look back. They will rot while you grow.

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@Stubbornclarity]

Thank you for this. I've been bullied by my own loved ones! Idk what it is about me that they find so easy to bully. I've tried reacting,I've tried not reacting,I've tried walking away. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like there's not enough love in the world. It hurts and bothers me to no end.

[@Stubbornclarity]

@@annehedonia156 thank you very much. I will. Sending you love and light.

[@chilloften]

The soul murder, so sad, piece by piece.

[@annafry9922]

I have listened to a lot of programs about trauma but listening to yours made me incredibly sad for myself, my sister, my parents and my partner. I can see now how badly affected we were in childhood and how hurt were the people who hurt us. It is a spiral . Very sad

[@chrisb.997]

If you are this kid, but you Also have physical, medical, injuries or illness(es), that prevents picking yourself back up & restructuring your sense of self & life, what then? You're not only battling beasts from the past, but current beasts. And if you have little back-up, or support, to battle the current beasts, you find yourself alone... nobody listening, nobody giving your concerns, the time of day; just like when you were a child.

[@corneliusprentjie-maker6715]

Well done on having sense enough to have gotten out of that!

[@vi4670]

That's exactly my situation too...

[@trollsneedhugs]

Yes, autistic and disabled here. I surrender to the mercy and love of Jesus Christ.

[@dr_bullseye]

Soul murder is true, a spiritual suicide I inflicted on myself as my parents were not there to comfort me when I needed it. Yep can't resolve this pain and alone. This is my childhood and adult life but I'm trying to heal from it and reprogram.

[@aliceindiamonds-77]

PHENOMENAL thank you for giving language to our soul and supporting us on finding freedom and peace.

[@Weeflowerofscotland]

I grew up with an alcoholic father with fear based ‘discipline’ , he was in the navy and he treated my brother and me like cadets more than his children. My mother was codependent and I’m sure lived in fear also , however she always backed my dad up . The day he broke my soul is burned in my memory. I was 11 and after he had a very drunken fight with my uncle he decided he was leaving . I started crying and telling him “ please don’t leave , I love you “ he turned around with pure coldness in his eyes and told me “ well, I don’t love you “ . I still remember feeling like I was punched in the gut. I’m now 48 and I’m now just beginning to believe I am worthy of love. I cannot thank you enough for these videos. I feel hopeful for a better future now ❤

[@angieolsson8175]

The basic emotional needs that Tim list in the beginning have never been met for me and I'm 45. Problem is that for the most part they have to be provided by other ppl and they don't care. However I think it's very important to give those to yourself as well.

[@davidnorman2134]

The emotional needs and growth and development is dormant or under developed or never activated or stimulated the entire emotional realm of life itself it's like having one leg that full grew and developed while the other one never grew or developed

[@leahflower9924]

I'm starting to wonder why the f we got punished for crying it was like these psycho parents needed a monopoly on our feelings like they needed to control us externally and internally then we can't get rid of the introject and they send us to therapy and tell us we're crazy

[@mvbigmagic4048]

@@leahflower9924 I realize it was because they were narcissists -- their selfishness meant that they never want to discomfort themselves to make others happy. Love = when others' happiness makes you happy. This kind of "love" is essential to be a parent, because babies cannot even SMILE before two months age, and they certainly can't thank you or "adore" you at their most vulnerable age. People who cannot "love" (i.e. make sure that someone else is happy, even if it causes some discomfort -- lack of sleep, cleaning poo, cleaning pee, cleaning vomit, spending money if they get sick) are basically abusing their kids. A parent has to be capable of self-less love in order to properly parent. Narcissists by definition cannot love, because they NEVER put anyone else above themselves.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

There is forever a sense of loneliness. I was lucky enough to find an emotionally healthy husband and at age 17 I married him, he helped me to get away from my disturbed parents. He is very kind but as he is not traumatized he doesn't really understand how their crazy talk affects me. He says just smile, nod and make a quick escape and ignore them. He can't relate to the pain and that is ok. So there is forever a sense of loneliness even when you find healthy relationships. Love and courage to you💗

[@kaylasnyder7870]

I'm sorry for all the pain and hurt you had to go through as a child♥️ I'm glad you found an emotionally healthy husband, that's such a blessing. I personally have felt and even recently still feel the loneliness of how I chose to "murder my soul" as a teenager. I guess I have my faith and experience with God to cling to though. It's by no means perfect, far from it and even though my God promises that he'll never leave me or forsake me I still often feel alone. But the Holy Spirit has been leading me through this healing process slowly but surely, even I feel leading me to this video. I want to encourage you that the Lord desires to draw near to you. Closer than any other. If you'll let him. Blessings on your journey

[@oeb39th]

So I was reading or listening to somthing yesterday and the good news is that you can meet these needs now! What you do is have various adult people that provide for your diverse sets of needs that were not met by our parents and family. Find a bunch of people....(even if the are professional and you have to pay money)...a dependable person, a kind person, a gentle one, a loving one, a friendly one, an advocate, an accepting person etc. The difficulty is both recognizing your needs and finding a various group of people who can meet one or two needs to satisfy some of the numerous unmet need in your soul. In short the things we never got we can get, in bits, from the people who are in our lives. I think Leonard Shengod, MD said that...but don't quote me....

[@TroubleActual]

This guy is spot on!

[@HatchetFace-pe2hk]

Me too! Exactly how my life has unfolded but I CHOSE not to lie or become an abuser myself, break the cycle.

[@saraha-oi5sm]

Nothing left This so painful to listen to, he went through all the process of a slow death. I am here, grieving the death of my soul 💔

[@CherokeeTrails]

Go to the one who came to resurrect our souls and bring life, our life abundant. Seek, knock, ask!

[@tobsternater]

Pastor Tim Fletcher talks about what people do as deeply traumatised individuals and how they make self destructive decisions for themselves. As I self destructed....I knew it was happening....but had never developed dialogue to reveal, explain, understand or address it in any trusted setting. It was soul murder I engaged in most definately. Thankyou Pastor Tim Fletcher for your work on this topic. It is so desperately required. There is so much of it in my experience and observation going on.

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@Stubbornclarity]

I'm murdering myself as we speak. The abuse I endured never let me heal.

[@lioness6853]

Anger is your soul screaming that you need to wake up and see the wrongs that are being forced upon you.

[@mtloke5732]

"Adapting" simply means trying to fit in - which is a most stressful way to live.

[@azaleaslightsage1271]

My adaption was to please abusive types dont tell them NO because it hurts more, they hurt more if I didn't comply. This lasted until my intuition jumped in showed me a vision of my whole lifes timeline, and I saw the Pattern I was in. I then using only my intuition changed my inner world then my outer world changed along with it. I now teach others how to do as I did, Intuition = inner tutor own free tuition! ✨️

[@SuperBigdan123]

Have you come to an understanding as to why it was abusive people?

[@angelamossucco2190]

❤me too. Thank you for sharing your experience. I believe we can all get help from ACA meetings and the safe equitable relationships that can develop there to help with healing.

[@user-iu2hd9qg3s]

How please help. I've been a abused by a narc and I think part of me is lost.

[@testtest2609]

​@@SuperBigdan123coz abusive people do it on purpose to get benefits & free labor. They have turn it into a system and do it to society as a while thru religion, war, gang/crime taught by those on top to the poor), politics, group abuse rituals like orgies, circumcision of boys & girls, etc. Dave McGowan's book Programmed to Kīll

[@testtest2609]

​@@user-iu2hd9qg3sCheck out Dave McGowan's book Programmed To Kìll, IFS, DID alters, ritual abuse, Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good"

[@bruceanderson4120]

Like the Jews in antiquity I've been wandering in the desert for most of my life. I've done lots of 12 step, therapies, read a ton of books, all the while looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack in hopes that I could find the answer to the question gnawing at my brain, what is wrong with me. There have been times where I thought that I'd found the answer but like the blind men who were describing an elephant by the part they were touching I got discouraged when my life struggles largely went on undisturbed til finally I gave up looking for answers. All the while the answers that was looking for were in my past, the very place I had vowed (subconsciously)to never return. My sense of shame wouldn't permit it. I thank my guides for putting Tim and these videos in my path. Perhaps they thought I was finally ready.

[@angelamossucco2190]

❤ACA is a helpful meeting for working to grieve the past and thriving here and now.

[@bridgetsieger2261]

I just told my dr who told me to find a therapist for the 100th time “trying to find a therapist who understands a mother who hates and is jealous of her daughter is rare and I’m done being called a liar or exaggeration.. I think it’s so rare that female therapists ( I’m a woman I want a female therapist) literally can’t fathom having a mother like this. I’m surprised still about how many therapists literally did not believe me. Usually it’s because they met her and she is very kind and charming. Now that I’m old I don’t know why therapists don’t believe that my mom could say/do … fill in the blank.

[@CherokeeTrails]

Thanks for writing this. Most family, friends, people we know dont, or won't believe it either. The LORD bless you and heal you! Thanks again for sharing your path

[@irenehigginbotham6392]

Sometimes, one has to heal a LOT in recovery BEFORE opening the Pandora's box of childhood.. ✌️ Be still.

[@penyarol83]

Love it. i felt that way when I fOund Alice Miller. I was finally ready to be blessed by her words, her wonderful therapy, all the truth they contained and the profound healing they brought.

[@davidnorman2134]

This guy is pretty much articulating my life, he's speaking my experiences with intimate relationships to a T

[@claireannejohnson2188]

My mother is a selfish narcissist. I was raised by my grandparents, but in my teen years my mother was back into my life. She would call me names, despise me, tell me I was a failure and a disappointment. I was in wrong relationships because I wanted to feel loved, at 40 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’ve always believed cancer grew in me as a consequence of all the psychological and verbal abuse I’ve suffered in my life.

[@LeaveYourAbuser]

It’s been proven statistically that our bodies suffer from all types of abuse.

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

💖So sorry. Love and courage to you.

[@penyarol83]

Im so sorry for for what you went through, and you're right, cancer can absolutely do that. Look into Gabor Maté if you don’t know him, his book When the Body Says No is about exactly that.

[@kathy1001]

Hi Pastor Tim. You are so thoughtful, caring, and kind to be sharing all this knowledge with all of us. I can identify with so much of what you say. I greatly appreciate how deep you go into all this information. God bless you!! 🕊🕊🙏🙏❤️❤️

[@LOVEISTRUTH300]

💖💖💖

[@etcwhatever]

Hes a pastor like an evangelical priest? 😮

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

​@@etcwhateverI didn't know he was a pastor...that explains his darkness...they always reveal some truth & keep something hidden or offer it's opposite...always a fly in the ointment to keep you dependent & giving money.

[@etcwhatever]

@@testtest2609 well im catholic and the priests in my parish are great and people only give money to help the social projects if they want or can do it. I cant speak for evangelicals and also even inside a determinate Church there can be saintly people and very bad people. In the end, people need to look for the knowledge. I go to my Church but i read the documents, the Bible, the doctrinal manual aka Cathecism.

[@MarilynMejorado-ee8qh]

Omg I feel like I've been laid bare... I refuse to lie but I have isolated from everything and everyone. Refuse to reach out to anyone. Took care of everyone. Now I'm lost and confused with no joy and peace except for my furry babies. They've never hurt me nor I them, they are the only reason I'm still breathing...Wow!

[@mandyschwartzberg3849]

❤❤

[@jmvwegnerpriest]

Love and courage to you! You are not alone! My pets are my angels too, their needs are so easy to meet and in return we get so much love. Their love is unconditional, this is mind-blowing for those of us that didn't receive unconditional love from parents.💗

[@MarilynMejorado-ee8qh]

Thank you so much. I'm trying to reunite with my younger self that gave up the ghost from horrible trauma. ❤

[@Stubbornclarity]

Sending you peace 🕊️. And healing vibes. Hopefully happiness finds you.x

[@MarilynMejorado-ee8qh]

Thank you all. We grew up in a totally different world. I over compensated with my children. Letting them know they have a voice, but also telling them words can hurt so choose them wisely and don't be cruel to other's. I was Ma grizzly and they were spoiled. Now they're privileged and think I owe them. Go figure..

[@Rev_Oir]

Mom said I was a good baby because I never cried. I never cried because I learned nobody would help me, so crying was useless. I became anemic from internal bleeding, but I when I told my dad, he said my bloody bowel movements were nothing to worry about. He was a doctor.

[@marie-soleildauphinais9530]

Incredible how we have lost our way to be human and to raise healthy children.

[@irenemorley75]

Only if you let it.

[@marie-soleildauphinais9530]

@@irenemorley75 I would love to understand what you really mean. Do you mean we all choose whether we have the skills to be "good" human beings or not?

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@joneseskid2326]

It is so very tragic. So many lives destroyed by dysfunction, generation after generation. This generation at least, has the blessings of educating ourselves with reliable information and hopefully find light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you Tim.

[@l.5832]

Actually, now a days I would caution anyone against trusting authority. Maybe start by trusting in a mutual relationship. But authority? I don't know any authority that is worthy of trust now.

[@bluepsiongamer4909]

Authority is conditional. There's some people that can't accept authority in any situation. For example if you want to learn how to drive a car you have to be taught, so for awhile you have to listen to the person teaching you and accept their authority... when it comes to driving cars. Once you've learned all they know or they've proven they are guiding you wrong, they lose that authority. Any other kind of authority is bogus in my opinion.

[@l.5832]

@@bluepsiongamer4909 I tend to recognize ans respect knowledge or skill and limit it to that specific area rather than grant it to the whole person.

[@gabrielakarl3859]

Wow ! This was so triggering.....i was diagnosed with OCD....MY mom was super controlling and emotionally unavailable

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@penyarol83]

ALice Miller is the best, she absolutely healed me after 15 years of trying while living in survival mode. Amazing, amazing woman, I’ll forever be in awe of and grateful to her.

[@suetipping4841]

I fought my way out of murdering my soul when I was close to 30. How? I told myself over and over "I can and I will" when I knew that I had a legitimate goal to better my life. I reached that goal and then some. People liked and respected me along the way. I am still not "good" at intimate relationships with others, but am satisfied with my life at 77. God DOES enter into this process, by the way.

[@mrfacespace]

I don’t know how you came to be so knowledgeable in this field, but you are absolutely amazing

[@aquariusdreaming]

He probably went through it too

[@vivdoolan6846]

I looked after everyone but me and then i burned out really badly

[@LeaveYourAbuser]

That is burn out!

[@Metaphoreign]

I went into a very withdrawn state when I was 11. The effort to reconnect with anyone after feeling like my entire life was torn apart repeatedly was too much for a long time. Eventually I started being able to open up again with certain people, but it took a long time.

[@rg1whiteywins598]

I tried all sorts of things. I parented my parents, I became a goodie two shoes, I became a humor factory, I tried career paths that were status quo, I got really depressed, then really bad cptsd. I'm now 64 and though I don't have severe symptoms anymore I still struggle with some aspects. It's been a hard lumpy road.

[@AndPennyThought]

The term soul-murder is actually very validating.

[@lasallemj]

And this has been passed down from generation to generation!!! Thankful to have found this 🙏🏾

[@testtest2609]

Check out "For Your Own Good" by Alice Miller. They have calling is parenting and had parenting guides solidified to harm children as a culture in the Western world.

[@anniewang9723]

​@@testtest2609: in the eastern world too, and it is even worse in the eastern world. You broke the law if you go no contact with your parents in many Asian countries.

[@hjcreativesco931]

😮 Thank you so much Mr. Fletcher! Although I don’t know how to implement new ways of “being” just yet…..I physically feel lighter just hearing this information. Just to know the facts allows me to step outside of myself and look at my patterns over my life. I absolutely identify with “Adapting & Existing to Survive”. Just wow. Thank You.

[@CrankyHermit]

Trusting authority is permanently off the table for me. Never gonna happen. But I do like the rest of this.

[@rebeccabrown251]

I'm going to agree with you. They never helped me, if you call doping kids helping. Yes, therapy only fueled my addiction. How is giving Haledal therapy ? 60 years old and still trying to heal. I stopped going to doctors and therapist because they wouldn't listen to me when I said that the medication Wasn't working. Others just want to lock you up and feed you drugs and more or less call you crazy because of how you feel... can't be honest and express yourself for fear of straight jackets...

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@christopherleubner6633]

Agree 100%. Especially after 2020.

[@Fawn91193]

That's smart, because they patently cannot be trusted.

[@dawnmichaele9434]

Wow! Just wow! I needed this. Ive been battling CPTSD for all my life but the last year has taken a toll on me. I haven’t received the therapy I need through my health insurance. I’m doing all I can to heal on my own. Thank you for taking time to post. This helps me process and move about my journey.

[@rhiannonhindmarsh3381]

Bless you ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@Mike-rt2vp]

There's no such thing as love. Childhood and family court taught me that.

[@LovinLnCottage]

I am sorry to hear your painful experience has done this to you. There is love and it is the most profound manifestation of love. I found it and you can too. Sit in meditation consistently with your attention on slow deep breathing at first. Inhale through the nose and exhale slowly through the mouth like a sigh. This resets your nervous system from sympathetic to parasympathetic. From fight, flight or freeze to relaxation and safety. This first step is very important. When you are able to maintain this state of relaxation for 5 minutes, congratulate yourself because this is loving yourself, especially your child-within. Feel that response to congratulation in your heart, because that is where it will arise, by focusing your attention there. It is subtle but becomes more apparent as you consistently show up to meditate and attend to being there for the traumatized child who withdrew from the world. The reason that it is so difficult to heal for most people is that this is betrayal trauma that occurs between birth and age two when a child’s frontal cortex is not yet functioning. If you consistently show up with the intention to nurture that child-self, wonderful experiences happen in a sequence and speed that is unique, safe, and comfortable for each person. Personally, I found that the journey leads to the Pure Unconditional Love that surpasses all understanding and defies description. When you have found that this resides within you, as it does in every being, you will never feel unloved again. This message is from your own spiritual guides because I don’t usually watch this channel, it just showed up on my Recommended list. I also don’t know why I read your message either. That is how I know that your cry for help was heard in the Spiritual Realm. May your journey be blessed. Sending you love and Reiki Hugs. 🙏🏻☮️❤️

[@DanielleMM-ct8ip]

You end up bc of trauma to see love is a state of being that resides in you all the time. Some of us will never get it from our primal attachments- don’t give up it exists in you

[@doreenlane2370]

It wasn't love

[@christopherleubner6633]

The court bit adds the injury to the insult. 😢

[@nicholecornes1915]

Love is only christ find him!!

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Bingo: Kill switch 💔😪💔😪. Not afforded any luxury of authenticity or connection. No emotions allowed. Oh Abba God help me 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@patriciaramos6655]

Some times I tell myself I'm exagerating and I don't really have CPTSD, then, I can`t deny I got to a lot of these adaptations and still do, no wonder why I feel I don't actually know myself

[@DanielleMM-ct8ip]

Gaslighting one’s self is real. It’s a maladaptive coping skill. You’re aware of it!

[@tuukka8592]

It doesn't help, when most people around keep saying things like "everybody feels the same" or "just pick yourself up and stop feeling sorry for yourself".

[@jenndel4]

You are amazing and helping me so much. Every word u say is me!

[@kathyperez9695]

Me too😢

[@Eligor420]

Im there too

[@tarabrickle8745]

Once upon a time this would have completely done me in to hear how accurately you've described my life. But today, through it all, what comes to mind for me is gratitude. I am grateful for every step it took for me to get to the end of myself, to realizing I can't control everything, and that I needed a powerful and loving God to guide me. Today I am able to say I thank my mom for her role in my life, for "it is not a healthy person who needs a physician". I'd rather be where I am today, trauma and all than to still be blind to Truth.

[@Stubbornclarity]

Good realization. You're a very wise and insightful person.x

[@maja8615]

It seems like a story of my life...I think I froze already in my mothers womb due to violence she was exposed to from her own father. While pregnant with me she had to run away from home and got married to my father who didn't behave and spoke as loving husband. There was so much pain, fear and disappointment in those first years. Later verbal fights started, I was constantly torn between two of them. Additionally, when I became aware of their individual brokeness and inability to take care of the things I became extremly responsible child, doing as much as I could on my own and expecting minimum from them. I think that's were anger and resentment started. I never felt I could relax and be careless in a way a child should be, never felt safety and security that I would be taken care of. I had disguisting intrusive thoughts as a 10 year old girl. Also, because my father was distant and was not able to see me as separate person with many needs, I never felt encouraged to be myself, never felt affirmed and worthy for who I am as person. Mostly happy emotions were welcomed. For the most of my life I had to pretend things are ok while they really weren't ok. That's why I can't stop crying now. I really put a mask early on because I had to. Never knew what was wrong with me but I was truly walking around the world all this time with deep feeling that I am left on my own, unworthy and unloveable and that I had to be as others needed me to be. Never succeeded in life. Most of my will and strenght is gone now... I never knew how to find a way out and was all this time closely connected with my family playing roles I learned. I love them but there was just so much pain and brokeness that broke me as well in the very start and I never healed. I just hope that I will one day by God's grace.

[@evlynealeshire5850]

@maja, I hope you don’t find this comment trite or cliché. I understand what you went through (are going through) and felt because I experienced something similar. The only way I could finally heal was through accepting Jesus’ saving grace. I probably would not be here right now if I hadn’t. Knowing all this information, that the good doctor has explained to us, is very important but there is no instruction on how to “fix it” presently. In my case, I could not “fix” myself. The only way I could get healed was through my relationship with Jesus Christ. He does love you unconditionally and that emptiness that you have right now will be filled with His grace, love, acceptance and forgiveness. All you have to do is ask Him for it. I pray that God bless you and heal you.

[@maja8615]

​@@evlynealeshire5850 Thank you for your understanding and for sharing your experience. I agree with you it is just that I don't know how to get there anymore. It is like I am in a rollercoaster and until it stops it is what it is. Thank you once more for your comment.

[@Stubbornclarity]

Awww. I'm sorry. For everything you went through. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take care of everything for you. 😢. But we just get stronger and adapt and overcome. And eventually learn that there was something broken in those people who hurt us and that it's not our fault. I hope you're surrounded by love and comfort for the rest of your days. 💛🕊️

[@maja8615]

​@@Stubbornclaritythank you, that would be nice. But some holes are hard to climb out of. I maintained lifelong loyalty and commitment to unhealthy family system and the damage for me is really big. I know I have personal responsibility, but its hard to do almost anything of substance while struggling on a daily basis for personal integrity and sanity. I think only those closely related and affected by certain types of deeply wounded individuals, narcissistic-like, can understand what it feels like. That's why I appreciate these videos and other people's stories shared in the comments. All the best 🕊

[@Stubbornclarity]

@@maja8615 you're welcome 🤗 Hugs to you. You're stronger than I would have been.

[@vonkunstler884]

Keep in mind our parents had similar trauma placed unto them by their parents and did not have access to the information we have today. So while they may have fucked up we need to have some grace, forgive and aim to do better ourselves.

[@gelidsoul]

Or.... the structure of the human brain is a lost cause.

[@lallyk3945]

I'm always grateful for your talks. 🙏

[@Faith_Chi]

"Soul Murder" - I was thinking about that very term recently.

[@HDPersonal777]

Stasi spies claimed to destroy the soul of each person. Could this family destruction be from that since the orphan trains, the lost generation, and gangstalkers too?

[@joseph8468]

This man has helped me greatly.

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@joseph8468]

@testtest2609 Have read Van der Kolk. It greatly helped me discover many sources of my idiosyncrasies. I will look into the other book you mentioned.

[@kristinmeyer489]

36:19 Imo there really needs to be a distinction between being let down and being betrayed.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Yes

[@kahlodiego5299]

This is why I always loved the Star Trek character "Seven of Nine." She always said stoically "I'll adapt." Sadly we don't just do this for our "family." It goes on and on with fundamentalist group homes and unprofessional "mental health" systems.

[@calliemist]

Some parents fully know that they are doing wrong and continues

[@mvbigmagic4048]

Yes, the excuse that they were abused as children does not fly with me. If a parent can be nice in public, and cruel and evil in private, then they KNOW what they are doing is wrong, and they STILL CHOOSE do it. Is it a mal-adaptive behavior from childhood? Maybe, but they still know it is WRONG and still choose to hurt people with their manipulative actions.

[@FlatStella1]

Thank you!!!!You gave me another hint to my chronic sickness!!

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@connievelez5478]

I'm sharing your material with my sister and daughter. We desire to heal from all this trauma.

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@sbdsinc8366]

This is one of the most helpful videos that allows me to understand what happened and how to fix it

[@rhiannonhindmarsh3381]

Me too 🎁🙏💗💗💗💗💗

[@misspiggy8247]

I had to find out I can't make everybody happy but it still is hard. You have to change the way you think and that takes time.

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@sontia67214]

This is me 😢 One thing I can say is through awareness, accountability, self work, and a bit of therapy I've become more of my authentic self. So far I'm a year in, and it's wonderful. I can't wait to see the future. I'm in my 40s. It's never too late to get back to you. It's hard work, but it's worth it.

[@DaggsTheDistraught]

Resonate with all of this. Narc mom. On my teenage journals i even wrote "i am getting away with murder....of myself" This was 20 years ago. Freaking wild

[@user-mt6dw7vu4q]

Growing up by chain smoking connection to selfish narcissistic parents, I was not allowed to have a voice, was the escape goat, neglected, untrained in social skills. Finally, awoke to the fact that my ADD diagnose in my early 60’s is actually FASD-Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder with some Autism in connection with others, slightly taped by Aunts boyfriend as a kid while my dad and mother were awake and preoccupied. I hit the gene lotto in that after parents died, a different aunt came clean of the family secret that my parents were cousins, no my eyes are not cross eyed. parents to baby bombers spanked with belt rather than set us down and explain with love, to relieve their guilt they would tell us they would give us something to cry about, I was crying because of being spanked with a belt; which took me until I was 68 to figure I felt those spanking made me fell unloved. Narcissistic father rather spend time at the race track to fell alive rather than be with his family. I hope what I’ve shared will help other parents be more mindful of their parenting. Favoritism was my moms MO, children notice it and learn to bury that ugly pain of being last priority family member.

[@belindaalderson7209]

I am so sorry you were treated this way

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@RoseyWhosoever]

Heartbreaking. Thank you so much for so eloquently and gently delivering this painful information. God bless you 🙏🏼

[@donarussell6611]

This is so depressing. My parents failed, I failed, my children are failing as parents. When are you going to give us some tools to change and help the trauma heal? I can’t hear anymore if you’re not going to move past the shit….

[@Horseyperson12]

My only goal was and is to survive. Don't take on a career where there's so much opportunity to fail. Everything you try as he said seems to fail. I stopped for the most part trying. I gave up and am dragging myself through.

[@TheMightyPika]

I have never felt more heard

[@testtest2609]

Check out Alice Miller's book "For Your Own Good" & "The Body Never Lies"

[@testtest2609]

The Body Keeps The Score is a great book too.

[@jackeymcneil1116]

This explains addiction 100%.. some of us needed help “shutting down”.. as we found it impossible to do on our own. 😢Praise God for His Mercy & videos like this 🙏🏼 ❤️

[@dme2442]

This describes my life perfectly. i never knew why I was the way I was. This helps me tremendously. How I got this way!!!

[@SA-cb2it]

It makes shudder sometimes how much I endured to resist adapting to toxicity, as a child growing up I suffered so I can preserve myself, I didn’t heed to the pain

[@IamAya7]

Thank you for talking about this! It gives me the courage to be braver to speak up. As in many countries, the parents are still held as gods, not questionable, must be respected, even feared, to be only grateful what they gave you, sacrifice their lives for you...all those statements only pepetuate the problem. As only one problem I see is the harmful parenting, which is the only one problem of our society. As traumatised, people do traumaise others and themselves. Education on parenting is a MUST!

[@kimberlyfowler5748]

My mom was a narcissist, i fearfully obeyed her, at83 she still is , I am kind to her but distant , don’t share much info

[@travisclymer4481]

My lovely Mother recently died and my world is wrecked. I built a life built on alcohol, playing drums, keeping my Mom “happy” but that life was killing me. I’ve had to soul murder myself in adulthood and let go of my old life and returned to college. Keep in mind I was already trauma infected and allllll fucked up. It’s so painful to let go of everything I’ve known to develop instead of adapt and people please which I’ve done my whole life. Talk about pain. Scary.

[@sarahalderman3126]

I'm so sorry, I know how difficult it is to lose a parent. I truly hope you have some close friends or family to share your grief with. I know for me at least having someone to share my pain with is incredibly important, even if that someone happens to be my dog.🤗❤️