Why Giving him Space will Never make him Better

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.
Are you hoping to save your relationship with an avoidant man by giving him space? Many women find themselves in this predicament, believing that endless patience will lead to a breakthrough moment of realization. But the truth, as explained by Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist, is quite different. In this compelling miniseries transcript, Adam discusses why giving avoidant men time and space often leads to relationship demise rather than resolution.
Adam Lane Smith, a former licensed marriage and family therapist turned Attachment Specialist, has worked extensively with couples navigating the challenges posed by avoidant partners. This video delves into common misconceptions about handling avoidant behavior and explores why traditional methods of endless patience and space can backfire spectacularly.
If you're struggling with an avoidant partner or facing relationship challenges, Adam's insights can be invaluable. This miniseries aims to debunk myths and offer practical solutions for nurturing authentic and fulfilling relationships, even with an avoidant partner.
This transcript is part of a comprehensive series tied to the launch of Adam's course, "How to Love an Avoidant Man," which provides actionable steps for overcoming avoidant behaviors and fostering genuine emotional bonds. If you're ready to transform your relationship dynamic, explore the course linked in the description below.
🔗 Course Link: [How to Love an Avoidant Man - Early Bird Special]:
adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
Subscribe to Adam Lane Smith's channel for more relationship insights and guidance on navigating attachment styles effectively. Don't miss out on the opportunity to create a relationship that both partners will cherish.
If you enjoyed this video on attachment love then I would recommend you watch this full Episode a watch: • Do Avoidants Even KNOW...
Join The Mentorship Program:
adamlanesmith.com/the-attachm...
If you enjoyed this video and want more content like this, do me a favor: be sure to hit that like button, leave a comment, and don't forget to subscribe to the channel!
Share it with your friends, and hit that notification bell so you never miss an update. 🛎️ Let's grow this amazing community together! 🚀
Work with Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist:
adamlanesmith.com/
adamlanesmith.com/courses/
adamlanesmith.com/single-sess...
The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free! 📥
adamlanesmith.com/the4attachm...
If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
www.amazon.com/dp/B07S33YGJZ
Connect with Adam on your second preferred platform:
Instagram: / attachmentadam
TikTok: / attachmentbro
X: / adamlanesmith
Facebook: / adamlanesmith
Chapters:
00:00:00 - Can You Save Your Relationship with an Avoidant Man?
00:03:08 - The Fear of Losing Independence and Oxytocin Phobia
00:06:01 - Avoidant Men and the Need for Space
00:09:04 - Giving Space to an Avoidant Man
00:12:03 - The Problem with Giving Avoidant Men Time and Space
00:15:03 - Miscommunication and Misunderstanding
00:18:00 - The Dangers of Ignoring Emotional Needs in a Relationship
00:21:15 - Understanding his Risk Assessment Mindset
00:24:15 - The Importance of Bonding with an Avoidant Partner
00:27:30 - How to Keep Your Avoidant Man Committed

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@Portia620]

If women go once a week and have a. E. X. Then she is ignorant! No no no!!! Self respect! He need help!

[@worldadventuretravel]

I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.

[@rianeufeld5563]

I know he doesn't because he tells me every day not to be a bother and to give him space. I'm not even allowed to text or call him. We haven't had a nonsuperficial conversation in 15 years. And the worst part is that he is perfectly happy with this situation.

[@TouTou22784]

I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅 I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭 Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg Good morning Did you sleep well ? Later he sent : are you feeling better I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you? He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries I asked him a straightforward question Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith) If yes;I will support you If no , you will never hear from me again He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again

[@TouTou22784]

I tried everything you said in your videos, using logic and fair language I gave him space and made my expectations clear and measurable but all I got was more coldness, vague ,short msgs only check in msgs, morning, good night, how are you lol 😅 I explained to him about attachment styles offered him to send your avoidant videos asked him to give me feedback and of it resonates I'm ready to support him in following the method you presented, next day he said I watched one of the videos and it's very interesting 😅 as if I sent it for entertainment, I kindly reminded him that the purpose is to work together to deepen our relationship, he kept my msg unread the whole day then sent good night at 00🤭 Today as if nothing happened he sent his usual cold msg Good morning Did you sleep well ? Later he sent : are you feeling better I replied: I feel a bit drained what about you? He said he's fine and ignored my feelings status So I sent him an assertive msg that this relationship does not feel right and I can't keep suppressing my needs walking over my boundaries I asked him a straightforward question Are you genuinely interested in making this relationship work and invest efforts, time and work on emotional availability following the provided method (by Adam Alane smith) If yes;I will support you If no , you will never hear from me again He replied rudely that he's a busy man he exercise while I do nothing except staying home ...and accused me of bad things which is not true I was calm in my replies I told him that I know that his subconscious mind is the one creating false accusations about me to justify his unfair behaviors, I forgave him and I sent him more videos of your channel while not expecting anything in return, and I offered my support as a friend if he needs it otherwise I clearly stated that I'm not going to reach out to him again

[@SK-no2pp]

Consistency is a love language it separates the opportunists from the committed

[@jlo1372]

Profound

[@recklessmermaid]

👏👏👏

[@dvegas]

Boom 💥 🤯

[@CorbinB-Rax]

Damn

[@925lady4]

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, it makes it forget.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's true it can lead to people drifting apart! Thanks for sharing!

[@Portia620]

Not with the right person! 😂 you can’t heal people! Move on to healthier people! Now once confronted if he wants to do the work ..doubtful then stick around but time frame is impirtant

[@drabolit]

I disagree - I’m avoidant but I love her dearly - things are complicated

[@lisavinecke1953]

My heart has grown fonder. I realize now what I had. I miss my ex boyfriend a lot.

[@untamedheart6820]

I agree 💯

[@grey_cleric]

The best an avoidant ever treated me was when i started dating someone seriously and told them to get lost. Then they got the urge and funds and motivation to start asking me on dates and begging for another chance. They dont change. Its just an act to get you back into a situationship.

[@beegirl8884]

More like situation-sh*t 🥴

[@SK-no2pp]

A walk in the abusement park

[@justsomevideos1]

I think they don't know they have avoidant attachment. I think that because they have avoidant attachment now that the threat of you being dependent on them for intimacy and closeness is gone all the real love they always had for you is free to come out uninhibited by their fear attachment. If they felt safe to be close to you their love would be like that all the time. Its also not your fault they are afraid of being close to you. They were not given the opportunity to make secure attachments when they were a kid. Someone they should have been able to trust as a kid betrayed them.

[@KVG822]

That’s why you end things with him

[@roopbajwa4929]

Lol

[@tarothijadevenus4017]

Don’t stay for games. If he’s pulling away, let him lost. Don’t try to fix him. It’s not your son or your science project

[@pragmaticpoet]

@@tarothijadevenus4017 only secure people are capable of BEING in lovw

[@aurakl2407]

You should make videos on how they can cure themselves because this is not another persons responsibility.

[@katieandnick4113]

Insecure attachment cannot be healed alone, because it wasn’t developed alone.

[@aurakl2407]

@@katieandnick4113 Get a therapist dafuc. This is not anyone else’s responsibility. Also that is not true, I know people can heal on their own. Do you have proof that this theory is accurate. Did you do a study on it? How was the study done? Who verified it?…people just say anything and think it’s correct.

[@aurakl2407]

@@katieandnick4113 oh so a narcissist and a sociopath require a punching bag to heal. You can’t be serious 🤦🏻‍♀️ those are both created not born. Hmm I guess that theory you have has issues huh

[@MahamSuhail]

@@aurakl2407 Read my comments above. Yes, this dude seems to norrmalize avoidant traits, whereas these are highly highly dysfunctional and take a toll on the avoidant's partner's mental/emotional health.

[@MahamSuhail]

@@katieandnick4113 You seem to be a hardcore codependent, lady! Equally flawed, you believe in half-circle relationships, but these are dysfunctional to their core!

[@balnirokli]

as much as I listen videos like this I realize that I dont need avoidant man any more !Thank you! I dont need a man who escape from me ,no thanks.

[@maciecs3263]

Correct, it’s like looking after a child

[@GodVibesAffirmations]

I’m glad my heart finally healed. The next BEST thing I can do next is to attract a HEALTHY, NON-avoidant partner. Good luck loving an avoidant person. You’ll need it!

[@SaystheTruth3]

How about being by yourself? Get yourself together and enjoy your own company.

[@furrsmith8131]

@@SaystheTruth3is that a natural thing for a human being? I don’t think so. It’s okay to be alone but it’s absolutely normal to find companionship. We are social beings.

[@feixue1005]

Oh I'm sure there's plenty wrong with you that you would never take accountability for, too 🤣

[@AYKAY88]

Let him leave.. avoidant dismissive men are horrific partners.

[@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch]

Yet y'all keep chasing them 🤣

[@AYKAY88]

@@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch nope.

[@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch]

@AYKAY88 lol k

[@MahamSuhail]

@@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch Stop throwing your fantasy around randomly in this space. I don't chase: I enter, I observe, I communicate, I assess, I argue (when the bottomless pit starts showing its pit black to me), and I leave; and then, I am cold and unshakeable.

[@JakanMcCaucaugh-zf4ch]

@MahamSuhail did I say you didn't? You being an exception does not disprove the rule

[@thewholeyou]

Adam did you hear what you said that she is sitting there wondering if she should chase him and he is sitting there, wondering, if she will chase him.That makes no damn sense.Ladies just heal yourselves and get with a secure man who doesn't make you do mental gymnastics. Ladies, we have to stop letting men play with us and our faces because of their own inadequacies, they can go and do the healing work on their own.And if not then why would we want to be with them. Listening to this stressed me out. Just how I was stressed out in the avoidant relationship. Please run ladies fast! Love yourself more. ❤❤

[@Yellowstoners]

Yep, just let them go. It’s never going to work, he will make you suffer.

[@Ishtarthemoon]

Honestly as an FA I will say when I’m in my avoidant side I do expect the anxious partner to reach out, because I know they will. If they don’t, I assume they don’t care about me. Yes it’s toxic I know but we all need healing. DAs are maybe less aware of this as they don’t have the perspective of an FA if they don’t have anxious tendencies

[@grateful7420]

@@Ishtarthemoon What’s FA ?

[@amandavaldegas7500]

@@grateful7420 fearful avoidant. It means you have both anxious and avoidant traits and tendencies. It’s also known as Disorganized attachment.

[@shayogirl]

I’m so glad the comments are full of people tired of the BS 😂

[@JonathanVachon777]

This section also full of people like you that think they are without sins

[@shayogirl]

@@JonathanVachon777 sounds like I’m in great company Jonathan

[@JonathanVachon777]

@@shayogirl if you mean in company of people without self awareness, sure

[@JonathanVachon777]

@@shayogirl if you mean p3opl3 with0ut s3lf awar3n3ss, sur3

[@shayogirl]

@@JonathanVachon777 lmao if you say so Jonathan

[@EllieM_Travels]

Glad you brought up infidelity. A guy friend of mine used to call me every time his fiancé would “give him his space” to see if I’d sleep with him. 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ I told him he either needs to love her or leave her. He married her and cheats.

[@Seraphina93]

Should tell her that… Or should have LONG ago

[@Coco-chrispy]

@@Seraphina93 she wont leave lolll no point

[@grateful7420]

No point in telling her the truth!? That’s cruel. Disgusting. She should know. Is it because he’s cheating with you? Like he was with you “on their break” which does not equal the right to sleep around.

[@pyrhoe]

Why the hell is he still your guy friend, if he was doing that repeatedly?

[@RitaP41]

We're Not Their Mommies. The Responsibility for fixing their behavior is on Them.

[@lobobanguela6349]

How can someone fix something they dont even know is wrong in the first place. The moment he ACTUALLY understand that something is actially wrong with him, then he actually will try to work it out. Speaking from experience. Also why I'm alone and most likely will always be. My partner broke up with me a few months ago, it was a 10 years relationship. The fault was most likely mine. I see that and now I actually find this guy and how he described me perfectly in every single video so I now know what I actually am and what mmy problem is. And now I'm trying to change myself. I lost the girl of my life and thats something I'll have to live with forever.

[@RitaP41]

@@lobobanguela6349 True. But things not working out is 1 Major Clue. And I'm sure there were Many things brought up to you before that. Either way, glad you finally got it and are working to fix it. As for the relationship, you Can go back and at least Try fixing that, too. Or in the least Apologize for your part. Without the typical Avoidant "Oh well, I fucked her up. So Next!"

[@JonathanVachon777]

We not your daddy either. Fix your own problems as well

[@paulahamilton3018]

@@lobobanguela6349 I'm sure your girl told you multiple times in that 10 years that something was wrong. I am really sad for your loss. This is hard for you I'm sure and trust me, it was also extremely painful for her

[@ralucamera6574]

This is sad. Human beings need connection, not disconnection when they have a relationship.

[@EllieM_Travels]

Avoidants are more connected with themselves, their friends, family, and other people who aren’t romantic partners.

[@katieandnick4113]

Avoidants aren’t connected to anyone. They have insecure attachments(not connections) to their families, and their friendships are shallow and non threatening(if they have friends. Many avoidants don’t). Connection requires vulnerability, and they are terrified of vulnerability. It’s not their fault, obviously. It’s just something they can’t currently do.

[@Alixir1228]

​@@katieandnick4113it IS their fault, because they choose to not get better.

[@jessecortez9449]

​@@Alixir1228they'd have to know and understand their Avoidant attachment for that. Can't make a choice if the choice is completely unknown to them on a conscious level. If you expect someone to change *to* something without knowing what they are changing *from* than perhaps you are the other side of that dysfunctional coin that needs it's own bit of changing.

[@MahamSuhail]

@@Alixir1228 I agree, actually.

[@debbiewitthoft5339]

I now understand why the fearful avoidant guy I was dating told me he thought I was controlling. When I asked him to give me some examples, he couldn't. I am a secure attachment and dating this person was exhausting for me. He told me he didn't think we were a good match, I said fine and haven't talked to him since. Avoidant men need to work on their attachment wounds and heal their emotional trauma.

[@OlderWomenRock]

He is afraid of my feelings , the idea of a relationship stresses Him Last time He came back then Ghosted I haven’t reached out . I can’t handle His lack of emotional intimacy I need more . I’ve let Him run this time He is hard work

[@MahamSuhail]

'Hard work' is a understatement, sis! I wonder how their hopelessness is different from that of the narcs!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am very sorry to hear that. Just waiting can often make the problem worse as you might grow too distant from each other. If you need some immediate assistance, feel free to email me at [e-mail] -and we can discuss options to address the issue.

[@MusicalCreativity]

​@@AttachmentAdam Its not their issue, its his. She deserves better.

[@RonlisaCrawford-ot5qc]

He’s going to love bomb

[@RonlisaCrawford-ot5qc]

@@MahamSuhailthey are narcs

[@lacrews10]

Your solution is to basically build a whole man. Just so he can show up and give you flowers.

[@JennaHasm]

No. It is just repair measures for those that have already had children or for those that are societal and environmental restricted to deal with such men. If you are young and childless, avoid such men at all costs.

[@cdio78]

@@JennaHasm even if you have children, Don't build men because you are showing bad examples for the children and especially the girls who will think that to be loved they have to fix a man. That is very wrong for their well being

[@barbarawiacek6557]

Correction: you build a whole man...so that once he's better he can leave you for someone younger 😂

[@silkyslim2111]

Thanks for the information. Avoidant men are not for me. This sounds dysfunctional and I don’t have the energy or desire to deal with this.

[@karynmartin2141]

Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It gives you room to cheat!

[@sasasetti8660]

I just can't do it. I can't be a mind ninja, mind reader, ultra mindful nurturing person catering to his childhood wounds. I have childhood wounds too, and that's why I go out of my way to be considerate. Save yourself the work so you can grow and have the satisfying relationship that resonates with you. The avoidant wants to AVOID work, therefore they don't deserve your love. PERIOD. They need therapy.

[@patriciaanderson6300]

You weren’t supposed to be a mind reader. You are the enchanter.

[@priscillaallen5276]

Thanks for this at last. I kept hearing on KZbin to be patient... they will come back just give them space. A couple of months after I went no contact at the request of my avoidant-ex he took his own life. Even since I have been troubled about how I could have prevented the tragedy. I now realise that the man could not love and I was not a part of what overwhelmed him. They seem so strong but are on the edge of despair. No wonder women are so drawn to them.

[@womanhoodisnotacostume7648]

I am so sorry. Seems like he had deeper issues than just being an avoidant. I hope you are not thinking it's your fault. ❤

[@anitarogers2877]

@priscillaallen5276 - Bless You. I am so sorry this happened. I truly hope you don't blame yourself, yet I guess a part of you thinks "If only I had..." I doubt there was anything you could have done to help him, other than suggest he went to therapy. If things in his life had him so depressed that he thought his only option was to permanently leave, no-one really knows what is going on in someone's life. Please don't ever blame yourself for not doing enough, as I am sure he knew you loved him, and that you both shared good times together when he was able to allow himself to do so. Yes, it is the opposite of men being drawn to women who need saving, the 'Damsel in Distress Syndrome.' Those of us with big Hearts wanting to care and protect others. No joke - I think to alleviate part of the void of filling that 'need' to assist would be helped by us having a dog or cat to take care of. I wish you all the best. Sending you a hug. Much Love, Anita xxx 🌹❤️🥰🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿🇬🇧

[@cougmom9317]

A certain type of DA (the manipulative one) doesn’t want to bond. They prefer the casual low pressure intimacy with female friends and co-workers which increases risk of infidelity. But once those people become the primary partner, a similar pattern prevails. You can’t have true intimacy with that type. Maybe with ethical Avoidants but not the other type.

[@johnny4062]

Why are casual low pressure intimacies manipulative?

[@cougmom9317]

@@johnny4062 in the context of a committed rela, If a partner detaches from a primary yet confides, flirts, entertains external attention they are in essence manipulating the situation to get their validation needs met while avoiding risk of vulnerability with a primary partner. Also the dopamine hits lessen with a familiar partner. They may get other benefits from them that they don’t want to lose but seek the dopamine from new/novel people outside the relationship.

[@nannyboo9832]

100%!!!!

[@wf4983]

True! You speak about people that split their need fulfillment between practical partnership (safety) and emotional needs (to be fulfilled elsewhere for safety reasons). Something like that is extremely hurtful to all parties. Mostly, this will be people that are somehow aware that they have emotional needs (more fearful avoidents) while at the same times being extremely afraid of emotions. Btw, they deserve compassion, too. I'm a fearful avoident. Stayed out of relationships for most of my life - and that isno solution either.

[@saundracohen4032]

🎯🎯🎯

[@KVG822]

The more I keep trying to communicate the further he runs away!

[@Erica-ye8we]

Find someone else. I'm saying this with all seriousness. It's not healthy

[@KVG822]

@@Erica-ye8weI know he isn’t my first one like this. I need to stop dating men like this

[@AttachmentAdam]

Trying to communicate without the right approach can sometimes push someone further away. If you need guidance, feel free to email me at [e-mail], and we can explore options to address this.

[@JennaHasm]

@@KVG822 First off, there are men that don't have the inclination, desire or ability to be fathers. Some men don't want and shouldn't be fathers or partners. Let them be, live their life and enjoy it as they wish. Second, choose a man that wants to be and can be a father. Be wise in your sexual selection.

[@JonathanVachon777]

Maybe you communicate badly? Like accusing him instead of listening? Been there multiple times. I rather leave after a while when you feel not be heard

[@nightangel024]

We dont have to fix broken men 😮i am so tired of trying to fix my husband and i get nothing in return why should we have to do all the work nothing your video says works i have tried everything might work for a day and done😢

[@MahamSuhail]

EXACTLY! WHat about the poor 'fixer's' own mental health?!

[@Vittolf]

We don't have to fix broken men ❤

[@socwardle2720]

You can only help so much. If you start feeling drained, it’s time to shift focus to yourself. Looking after yourself is your main responsibility.

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

This advice is for avoidants willing to change and build a healthy bond for themselves with you. My husband had avoided serious relationships and dating much in general when I met him at 39. I didn't know of attachment theory yet then. But I'd become very self-aware and more secure after my previous divorce. I did not push him for anything. I was clear that I was not interested in long term (past 2 years) dating. We've struggled with communication and handling conflict but he's never needed more than a few hours or maybe the day to take space to analyze or regulate. It's been 3 years total, we're married as of last year. Our marriage and family are his top priority. We're best friends and lovers.

[@kwbaby4297]

Seems like a happy ending for you. Majority here are full of sad endings. Hoping the best and continued peace for you guys❤

[@sandamiz]

It's exhausting 😩 😫 . I left him to go find a woman strong enough to deal with the inconsistency

[@northshorelight35]

No way. I'm not going to be burdened with a person who has an avoidant disorder. Even if he stays with me it will only to get supply. His heart will always be elsewhere and then come back when it's convenient for him. I know what good love feels and looks like. I don't need this crap.

[@giselabrat3724]

Time and space is what you need to realise what you got yourself into...so its good for you...take it if you need it. Dont worry about him.

[@vivy45]

Married 15 years. In business together. He went to another woman. I'm 53 and now have to start my life over again.

[@kaitlin8669]

I'm so sorry. On the bright side you get to be single and free to do what you want. You can create a bucket list and create a life better than the one with him. I hope you have lots of future happiness and that you can rebuild and be happy.

[@trejours9148]

You’re going to be just fine. Get a dog if you can ❤

[@untamedheart6820]

I’m in the same boat; he married his cheating partner the day after we signed the divorce decree

[@rebekaht.7486]

Can you do a video on the benefits of being with an avoidant partner? These videos are making sense but on the other hand are incredibly depressing. I would never choose a relationship like this ever again.

[@nyuuuchan]

:D I want to see that video! :D benefits... there are none 😂😂😂

[@SK-no2pp]

Conflict presents an acute risk to the safety of relationships with avoidants. Avoidants need to stay in control and, however unconsciously, giving ground for them would upset the balance of power, which can be too torturous a position. They find it very hard to think like a team as they innately view this as dangerously giving up part of themselves. While they may believe they want relationships in theory, in practice they experience regular aversion to their partner - no stronger than when inevitably faced with issues or forced to confront emotions, which means they are much more at risk of walking away. Partners often sense this, which creates a problematic power imbalance in conflict, when both are not showing up with equal desire to move towards resolutions and to make the relationship work as a team. In relationships, withdrawing from conflict is also a subconscious distancing strategy. Conflicts are often left unresolved because the resolution itself often brings a couple closer together - a scenario that, however unconsciously, the avoidant person wants to avoid. Failure to negotiate is a strategy to block intimacy.

[@Lois_Unwordy]

My recent ex Avoidant took space by starting tirades at me, getting annoyed over small things and then going on about it for hours. In a way it was disconnecting but if I see it as his way to take space I can see how it was him trying to deal with his emotions. I really don’t like being treated like that though, and would get worried about when it would happen and then when it did, I’d just be in survival mode and shut down. It would often be at night keeping me awake and then waking me up again in the middle of the night to continue. He didn’t seem to want to hear anything except that he was right about whatever he was going on about and even then he’d still continue telling me why I was wrong. He thinks it was not a big deal at all, and that I need “to learn the difference between anger and frustration.” I love him but I broke up with him. He found someone new within a week and took her on a weekend away that we planned. He’s working on a relationship with her now

[@BetterLoveMovement]

Just know that it won’t last. The real him will show up and the cycle will repeat. Please move forward knowing that this behavior of his will continue over and over again. The new girl won’t get a better version of him, trust me!

[@jocelynford4209]

⁠@@BetterLoveMovementAgreed. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It will change for the better once he changes himself from within. Sometimes absence is the best thing for pe to self-reflect on their own time. I encourage you as I tell myself to enjoy the other beauties of life. Make your life enriching, beautiful, and enjoy all the things that brings you happiness to help elevate your vibration! That will help shift you out of this limbo phase. Wish you the best!❤

[@kaylakayla7341]

Adam this is exactly where my husband and I are going through. We are in couple s therapy and following her advice, we both feel that time, patience and space is making both of us feeling more distant and unhappy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately just waiting around can often make the problem worse as you disconnect from each other too far. If you guys need some direct quick help, you’re welcome to send me an email at [e-mail] and we can talk options to get your marriage fixed up.

[@maxsheerin8219]

Beware of anyone offering "quick" help. There IS NO quick help, only help at you and your husbands pace.

[@worldadventuretravel]

I know this is all well-intended, but it irritates me that it's always women investing their emotional and mental energy into learning how to have better relationships with men and not the other way around. That's why I'm just opting out. I'm so done with the one-sided nature of the entire thing. All that labor I have put into learning about partner relationships and dealing with unhealed men that only exist to take could have gone into building up my own life. Men are just not worth the work. I'm better off on my own and investing into quality relationships with women friends and community.

[@c.f.4564]

What on earth makes you think there're only women here?

[@KB-ih5gf]

@@c.f.4564 I hear you. However, I think the videos target audience is women.

[@KB-ih5gf]

100%. I spent 17 years trying patiently to connect with my avoidant ex. I was able to convince him to go for counselling but for a year he kept insisting the problem was my anxiety. Eventually the counsellor spoke to both of us and explained it might help to see my partner for a few sessions on his own. I thought that was a really good idea. In the parking lot on the way out he said to me… see, even the counsellor doesn’t want you there because you won’t stay focused on the real issue… your anxiety. Within a few weeks of leaving him I wasn’t anxious anymore. I do miss him but there’s no way I would put myself through that again. I grieved the loss of relationship while I was with him now I’m grieving the lost years.

[@dazzlingandbrash]

I totally agree with you! I'm listening to this thinking about how this sounds like a professional therapist's job (which my boyfriend is not interested in at all). It's not my project to try and fix him! I've tried bringing up these topics to talk about and shared so many videos for him to listen to. Nothing sticks. Why is this type of content always targeted toward women and never the men! Who is out there teaching men how to heal and care for their woman?

[@sandrab1189]

@@dazzlingandbrash I see videos that are targeted to men, but it does seem that most are for women and I agree, it's exhausting being the only one to do anything to make the relationship work. I'm on my second marriage. My husband was great for the first year or so. Then he stopped trying. He would just sit around playing video games. I told him several times that I needed him to make more effort and eventually I started filling out applications for apartments and I told him I was going to move out. He still did nothing. When I moved out, he finally started taking action. Or at least he says he is. I don't know, I go back for my stuff and he'll stop whatever he's doing to talk to me. But I haven't noticed much as far as him cleaning the house or learning to cook. Yeah, in his 40s and doesn't know how to cook. Doesn't drive. He has been finally reading articles about the issues he has. But I feel like with all the effort I put in through the years just for my concerns to be dismissed, it's too little, too late. And I fear that if I go back to him, things will go back to the way they were. I just don't want to go through it again.

[@whiggygirl]

It all just feels so utterly hopeless 😔

[@Violets14]

I think assertiveness is what is being really discussed here and that is empowering because you are addressing the needs in a relationship. That's what is in your control and how you can live your best and be a good role model. ❤

[@whiggygirl]

@Violets14 in what way be assertive?

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds incredibly challenging, but with the right approach, things will start to feel easier.

[@HashtagAPI8]

This is so damn true. I have given my bf almost 6 years, hoping that he would want to move in with me and I never pushed. He only wants more space :D

[@Swiss_Girl]

omg I was with mine almost 5 years and we never took the next step. we did talk about moving is, marriage and kids, but he was always saying „not yet“😑 so I told him, I will move on and walked away. it has been 7 weeks of no contact

[@EllieM_Travels]

It’s because he knows you’re hoping. The minute you get on with your life and stop wanting anything from him, he’ll stop being so aloof. If not, let it go and be glad you can now move on to find someone who is more open to the things you want.

[@bronwencaplinger5780]

Hey girl. If you have asked him to move in and he’s said no after six years I’m sorry to say it’s never going to happen. Please give up on him. I was in a relationship with a severely manipulative avoidant man and it was traumatizing and really bad for my self esteem. I’m so happy I left. If ur with someone u are constantly hoping will change it’s just going to damage you psychologically. Maybe show him some of Adams videos and unless he gets excited about working on his attachment style it’s never going to work and there is no hope.

[@Foxie770]

Don’t waste another minute!!

[@haileys5371]

​@@Swiss_GirlKeep no contact, work on being securely attached and while you are away from him, dont hope for him to see the light and call you bck....move on.

[@nannyboo9832]

This man does not miss. For the past year I’ve been giving time and space to my DA and it hasn’t gotten better. Then I decided to speak up even if it risked spoiling him. Idk if we’re closer but he’s more receptive and warm to me, saying he wants to make this work. Even going so far of admitting he has a problem and wants to go to therapy. Needless to say this is the most challenging and painful experience I’ve had with a partner. I have little hope this will work out and I’m mentally exhausted.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm happy to hear it's working and that you're seeing positive results. Feel free to reach out to me through [e-mail] if you need support or help. I'd be happy to provide you with resources that empower you.

[@SVAsianPhilippinesGo6858]

DA? Defense Attorney? 😂

[@dylancag977]

THIS! BLESS YOU! I N E E D E D THIS. This was me you described. And even though I lost many years. And he is gone. Your work has brought me peace. Because finally, my experience with him is not some unfathomable uncomprensible horrible chaotic thing that sucks the life from me every day as I try to understand, because now, I finally do understand. I have clarity. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's wonderful! I'm incredibly touched to hear that my words have brought you peace and clarity.

[@msarilyn7677]

Avoidants are very often limerent as well, do be aware of it.

[@Nah-ah]

💯

[@cio7710]

Yep, learning my lesson with that now ugh.

[@AD-hh6dd]

Funny thing is I asked for space tonight and his reaction was totally unexpected. He seemed upset and now I’m anxious that I’m making my avoidant guy feel unsafe. I thought avoidant men would understand needing space. It hadn’t occurred to me they get anxious like an anxious attachment would. Not what I expected. I wish Adam had a video about avoidants with avoidant partners. My anxious side wants to reassure him and my boundaries side wants to uphold boundaries. I’m just leaving him hanging, not because I don’t care but because I don’t know how to respond and make it worse

[@jt5792]

Part of that is control, they dont mind leaving us feeling abandoned and rejected, but once the script flips even a tiny bit and without that intent behind it, they cant cope. If for example they just get up from a conversation and walk away without response, leave you hanging for hours or days, you just have to deal with it...if you need to change up something, take some time for self care or something/someone else, it freaks them out.

[@aaronash58]

there is a middle ground called by some "disorganised attachment" where we oscillate between both extremes. whilst we like to put people into black and white categories more commonly we are a mixture of many.

[@PaletaLee]

People think "they will find out in my absence" but people in love become irrational to the point they really overrate the emotional INTELLIGENCE of their partner. You would, he won't. ⚠️ Don't expect a fly to understand why honey is better than 💩. ⚠️ LOVE YOURSELF AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME. Ask yourself instead, WHY DO YOU seem to love emotionally distant people?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I appreciate your input, but I encourage you to stay tuned for an upcoming video where I explain exactly what happens in the mind of an avoidant after a break up or some time of no contact.

[@PaletaLee]

@@AttachmentAdam Thanks, but the only ones who needs to "understand the avoidants" are themselves. The faded idea that feeds hopes of desperate people for another person to change makes me think I might be too healthy for this channel. FOLLOW ME THOSE OF GOOD WILL !

[@TetrisPhantom]

The woman I'm currently speaking with actually endeared me by giving me space early when I asked for it, despite her not wanting it herself. When I came back, and especially when she later mentioned her own fears of loss of connection - it sunk in for me that she was willing to put her wants aside for what she perceived to be my needs. Now, she gets regular, consistent communication without having to ask, because I know I can trust her to give me a little breathing room if I get overwhelmed without giving up on me completely, and she is there to engage my emotional needs as I share them (which, in turn, makes me want to service hers). That said - needing months or years of space before committing is beyond anything I've ever felt I needed, so this is probably still great advice for severe avoidance, and I'm more the exception that proves the rule.

[@kwbaby4297]

Good for you on knowing your facts. Good luck to you and yours.

[@alchemicalsoul]

As a therapist I find that we overlook the likelihood that many avoidantly attached people are neurodivergent. In addition to the trauma, their nervous system simply CANNOT engage in healthy interpersonal relationships.

[@mguzman2021]

Hi, is this the case for people with adhd? Do they just not realize they can’t form normal bonds? I think I’m going through this. I always brought it up to him that he’s cold and seems distant even though we are married. He left so idk what’s gonna happen now. I felt alone very often and didn’t think he could settle in a safe place with me. I always brought things up, bt I don’t think he understood and it would make things worst some times

[@bradleyfrank7933]

People go poking a dog with a stick, and then wonder why they're getting bitten. I can't speak for other avoidant people, but I know I myself am not out there looking to get into relationships, exactly for this reason. People will be too exhausting and demanding, and I will never be to them who they want me to be. So what would be the point. I suspect that other avoidants aren't the ones seeking these relationships, but others trying to impose expectations on the avoidant, that they never will meet, because that isn't who we are.

[@BonaFideWildLife]

@@bradleyfrank7933 It's a raw deal that you grew up getting poked by a stick and that is what has imprinted onto you, making it familiar. Did you know there's a way to release that trauma so you can attract people who won't poke you? It's kind of like an abused woman who finally finds courage to leave and then ends up in another abusive relationship. Until a person realizes that 'familiar' is not normal and that embracing change to something unfamiliar is actually safe and healthy, they'll be deprived of what they truly deserve - a long lasting, meaningful, loving connection. Work through the trauma, don't get robbed 2x!

[@JmiLyn444]

Well if I'm starved in the relationship, he can be starved when I leave. I love him so much, but I'll be damned if I have to walk on eggshells shells or wonder what I'm coming home to everyday.

[@karasmusic123]

Sidenote, you are gorgeous!

[@misschris325]

Whoa. I've been gone for 3 weeks. Time apart doesn't make the heart feel fonder. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed for my upcoming return trip. I'm worried he hasn't taken care of our animals properly, cleaned the home, or how he'll treat me. What a mess!

[@Erica-ye8we]

I'm going to tell you. I am not interested in saving anybody. That's not my job. My job is not to fix somebody. If they are not able to identify these issues within themselves and to seek their own counsel and therapy, then that is not the person for me. I don't want to spend my life working on somebody and trying to improve them. For one thing they're going to resist it. Avoidants don't like to be pressured. Right? So all that's going to do is drive a bigger wedge between the couple. That is too much stress, too much aggravation, and too much of a burden for anybody to have to bear. If the relationship is that cumbersome and that painful, then it is time to leave and find a better one. Find somebody who is healthier and has a better way of showing love and someone who has healthier interpersonal skills. It is not mentally healthy for anybody to put themselves through the misery of dealing with somebody who doesn't know how to show love doesn't know how to accept love, and in the end makes you feel like you're not enough for them.

[@MahamSuhail]

I TOTALLY AGREE AND SUPPORT YOU ON THIS! My sentiments exactly!

[@vandanamorris4144]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻

[@HollyMurphy3]

Maybe women should start becoming more avoidant.

[@johnnydi2231]

Trust me... They are! 😔

[@HollyMurphy3]

@@johnnydi2231 guess I didn’t get the memo.

[@johnnydi2231]

​@HollyMurphy3 Lol. Thank God! It's a nightmare from this end too. At least it is for me. It's absolutely awful.... Nearly unbearable, tbh! Thank you. For not being like that.

[@KVG822]

Some of us are and then they come closer… but it makes me soft and reciprocate and then he runs away.

[@MahamSuhail]

@@KVG822 Can relate. I'm AA, what avoidant type are you?

[@lynettejohnson9051]

Hold space and give patience. Remain loyal in the temporary separation, reinforce the love and loyalty, try not chase, while not becoming a door matt. Relationships are a commitment to work on the bond, keep emotional balanced. Every day, every topic.

[@SK-no2pp]

Except what if only 1 person is working on it

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a thoughtful approach, thanks for sharing!

[@yuliatigra]

Don’t waste ur time and life for avoidant persons,it will ruin you mentally. This is their choice to be like that, it’s not ur fault and you don’t need to put whole ur life to “heal” them. Everyone deserve loving and caring person who is not afraid to discuss all problems and find solution together. You can’t solve anything with person who is not willing even to talk and avoiding any “not comfortable” situation.

[@ongoingawakening4257]

I have to say, I’ve never met an avoidant person before this man. Giving him space is exactly what the moment asked for. I don’t need a man in my life who acts this ridiculous way.

[@eileendom5858]

My ex DA needed several days and went to “visit” the woman he had his first sexual experience with, but he was in the mountains so he didn’t get good cell reception. He original story was he was going to an AA Retreat and I trusted that until months later, the truth came out. Then he was angry at me for not trusting him during our 6 years of on and off. We have to be so gentle and patient with them, but they don’t have to learn it until after they trust.

[@AnnMChristiansen]

Thank you for this! I thought endlessly time was what I was supposed to give him, but it feels like it's getting worse. I'm a little lost because there is so little communication now that I can't even do some of the things you suggest. But the things I have managed to do, change the choice of words in communication, works! 🙏🏻

[@Dhi-qx7px]

Oh gosh….I have been doing it all wrong….they said in the videos give them time as much as they want…I really didnt know it would just make matters worse 😢

[@wizardofaus2985]

Same. I'm lost now.

[@EllieM_Travels]

When you give them time you have to just go and make sure they know you’re not waiting around. Free yourself to find someone who’s more receptive. The avoidant will either want you more the more independent you are or will stay aloof. Either way, take care of your own needs.

[@catchcourtcourt]

My avoidant needed space and would pick a fight to do so. This last time, I gave him the universe. There’s your space. Goodbye

[@TheAsvarduilProject]

He did. The issue is that instead of giving endless space - an exercise in futility - the better approach is to give finite space and negotiate levels of control in a way that allow for a more mutual relationship. The reason he said it so many ways are people who just don't get it, because an avoidant person is neurochemically operating a little differently than a more securely attached person. They're in a high-stress danger mitigation mode, while you are not.

[@lateashaevans4579]

If so someone keep ghost and leave you just waking away is better for your health. You should know your worth and dont chase and beg somebody to be with you just let them go and fine happiness with someone that would love you dont ghosted you and walking away from you when someone get scared or whatever you should committed with you bf and gf and be loyal and honest

[@Tania_888]

As a woman who is avoidant...we are like this too. 😅 we just hide it a lot more because of society....

[@Dreamweaver777]

We are better at cheating too...no one would ever guess....

[@Nah-ah]

Being avoidant isn’t a big deal if you enjoy your own space! I just call it ‘being introvert’ so ppl can f*** off 😆 I love being in control and I keep everyone else away and at an arms length.

[@bradleyfrank7933]

@@Nah-ah That's the problem, other people are the ones who seem to have a problem with who we are. They can't just accept us for who we are, and give us the space we want/need. Instead, they selfishly want us to bend and mold to what is in their best interest, never what is in our's. The sooner avoidants can realize who they are, the less they can give out mixed signals that leads someone else on. As soon as I knew, I keep everyone at a distance, to avoid situations that can be misunderstood or misconstrued. To avoid the pain any misunderstandings could cause both of us.

[@Tania_888]

I'm personally having a hard time deciding if I want kids. I don't want to mess up their childhood like my parents did. 😅

[@janeyjenjen5972]

Oh, Adam! You described my mom and dad’s dynamic to a tee. I used to be FA leaning DA myself and displayed a lot of the behaviors you described. I’m earned SA now, but it’s just so sad to see them still in that cycle for the last 35 years, not choosing to break up for God-knows-what reasons. Anyhow, thanks for all that you do. ❤ Will try to let them watch this video or have it played in the background at home so they hear it.

[@bludesertfairy3370]

I just turned 40… I don’t even know how to begin to address this or if it’s even worth it/possible. My father was adopted n’ my mother has self-esteem issues. I have no clue how to bond; lost a 16yr marriage and have destroyed any attempt after. I fell in love last year it was so awesome and he ran away. I give up. I am so sad and tired this scenario is my whole life experience. I have literally gone into mental health work to help figure this out in 2006 but no clues until now. Thank you, for your work* I need to think about how to apply this in my life moving forward. I also feel like that’s so much darn work for the woman😢like do men ever lead in helping themselves or are woman literally here to just to keep helping men be successful, happy and on track. I am torn on what to do with all the men in my life at this point. They all just think I am mean. Mean while the world is changing and I have never felt safe. I am definitely closing down around all of this and more bracing for the impact of being old n’ single.. n’ mean I guess lol😭 … I can try to integrate this quickly 😮‍💨👌🏽

[@HeatherH-sh8lp]

Im 40 and i feel like youve described my whole life. I heard that some people are meant to be single for life, regardless if that is what they want , i think i am one of those people and i have to accept my fate .

[@BonaFideWildLife]

It's not you, it's them! Keep your energy up and stay focused on what is working and going well. Get good at saying no and passing on those who don't match your energy!

[@kwbaby4297]

Damn! These comments are sad. However, I get it. All we can do is move on silently, try to suck up that pain, and move on. Trust, they will be back, but by then you know it’ll be too late. I just hope that men(and women), are able to realize they have a problem and seek help to try and be a better person for their partners, and even better themselves.

[@elizabethgoodson9699]

This is the most helpful video I’ve seen on the subject of avoidance, hands down.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thanks! Glad it was helpful!

[@a.d.b535]

Taking space means he doesn't want to talk about his ongoing 'friendship' with his ex-gf. I also asked about marriage and got an emphatic 'no'! These are truths I can't ignore. I asked him if he wants to break up and he doesn't answer that question either.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad that you liked it!

[@BlueBlue23]

This video is making me cry. I have regrets but i didn't know that to do. I tried my best.

[@manal9514]

If it was such a struggle then it wasn’t the right person

[@marykalisky5639]

Thank you for the insight..I'm so hurt.

[@nightmareappliance]

NEEDED THIS TODAY!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear that!!

[@summerrobinson9847]

I just don’t know if i can do romantic relationships anymore… The advice given to couples is all over the place. how are you supposed to have a healthy relationship if you’re trying to fix your partner’s problems all the time while they duck and dodge accountability. But if you say ok i’ve had enough and you leave them you’re the bad guy now. When is enough, enough?

[@user-wz8xt6ox3m]

This is true! I’ve felt the same.

[@Ridingrules10000]

"Time and space", beyond the immediate cooling off, is just avoiding addressing the problem. It will never get better if they don't start facing that fear of closeness. Address it with patience and kindness, don't overwhelm with a barrage of emotional "attacks", but you can't just let it go indefinitely. You will both end up broken.

[@OG_zennedout]

This was really good! Thanks

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it helped!

[@shea5542]

Such a good video. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate that! Glad you found it helpful.

[@NekoWaifu]

This is spot on

[@jkd9573]

Wow Adam, this is one of the best videos I’ve ever watched on this topic. Really opened my eyes. Thank you!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights. How do you plan to approach interactions with your avoidant partner differently after watching the video?

[@notestomyyoungerself5843]

Well said and helpful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you! Is there a specific part of this video that stood out the most?

[@Staciebunton]

Dated my boyfriend for 6 months and everything was off the charts amazing. He flew me to see him twice a month. He convinced me to quit my job I've had for 10 years and I got my house ready to airbnb and he was supposed to come and move me and my 12 year old son next week. But when I was there last week he was being very grumpy, territorial and controlling. I was in shock, I did not recognize this guy any longer. Then he started talking about an ex (phantom ex) when he took me to the airport. Then he told me he was confused and wanted to postpone the move. Then he ghosted me. I'm devasted. I am so glad I've realized what was going on, but at this point I will never trust him again and have honestly lost all respect. I find this behavior (attachment style to be dispicable child like behavior.

[@manal9514]

If he’s gone it’s his loss. The trash took himself out and left room for a better and secure ✨man✨

[@biancaleclerc4103]

We are 6 months in. We had a massive honey phase the first two months. Now I see him 1-2 times a month. I feel he loves me but he can’t tell me. When we see each other there there is always a touch of magic. He is very regular with sending me one very small text a day. He keeps in touch. I have decided I would express love to him even though he doesn’t and he reacted positively. He told me he was touched. Now I don’t refrain myself to express love even though he can’t for now. I still feel he loves me deeply, so I am hanging on to that. Your channel is very helpful. Thank you.

[@beyondher]

That small text every day sounds like bread crumbing. He gives you just enough connection to keep you on the hook, but meanwhile you are starving.

[@erindipity]

You deserve to have all that love reciprocated.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

He is breadcrumbing you. Breadcrumbing.... if you put up with it.... will lead to you getting addicted to him in a very unhealthy way as you wait for the next time you see him or get a text to get that dopamine hit you've been waiting for. Texting someone has zero emotional commitment to it. I would give him a heads up that this relationship is not meeting your needs for emotional connection or even physical connection for that part.

[@beancheese3148]

Dr. Smith, you need to update that 34k sub notification to 53k soon! Good work!

[@joansandeen9443]

Excellent!! Thank you!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you enjoyed it!❤️

[@racheljones509]

Ya. It's been 5 years. It's so confusing. We have two kids. Is he a narc? Is he an avoidant? Wtf is wrong with him? I am doing everything right. I know I am. Staying true to myself. Put so much energy into this and married him which I see it as a covenant with God and this sucks donkey balls for me. I am NOT getting my needs met and tho I'm staying positive, its really exhausting. I agree with the lady that said stay true to yourself. Heal. Just heal and pray for us ladies that are broken. The broken families that face such insane treatment.

[@eisenm7064]

Thank you, Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

My pleasure!

[@clintclaessen8947]

This is such great material! After my last break-up 2 months ago, I started watching your videos on avoident men and they are SPOT ON! If you fit any of these avoidant man criteria in the way I do or know anyone, please share it with them, it will save their relationships and change their lives. I had to learn it the hard way, but if you take Adam's advice seriously, you can avoid a whole lot of heartache.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback. Always happy to help!

[@ljiljanameter5902]

I needed this so much today! That's my conclusion too. Thank you from Croatia. Thank you, thank you, thank you... 🙏❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Super glad it was helpful!🙏❤

[@jeanannedupratt7075]

Amazing, this contorsion of words rattling out at 200 kms/hour. On topics which evock despair, anguish and keep people hooked. Thank you. No thanks 😊

[@wf4983]

Mr. Smith, you are absolutely right. That is exactly what would help the situation. This approach has to be well balanced out with one's own needs, boundaries and 'battery'. I would say, if you receive a clear signal from the avoident that he wants to put efforts in, you can go with the approach. I say this as someone who is avoident, too - but who also has an anxious side (fearful avoident) and goes forth between craving space ( I have the same fears here and therefore understand avoidents very much) and craving deep emotional connection. Helping your partner/ loved one to move with you into a healthy relationship is a herculean task - and it should be appreciated (by your so and , very importantly, by yourself). It is very difficult when you yourself are triggered (I, for example, always ask myself why I always have to be understanding when I so much want to be understood in return or why I should be the one trying when I also have the same fears as the avoident). So, best is to only try this approach while being Securely attached yourself - or only when you know how you can keep yourself safe first - or, even better, when the other person helps & moves towards the aim without too much of bringing you down.

[@soulcipher3619]

Awesome content, very insightful. I took notes. Big respect. Which is why I'm investing the energy to comment, it had a rather high level of (almost salesy) fear mongering in there that brings down the quality of the transmission. Inspiration is a much more effective driver of motivation and transformation than fear. Your reach will expand with this shift 🙏🏽

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your feedback and for taking the time to comment! I appreciate your perspective and will definitely consider it for future content. Inspiration is indeed a powerful motivator, and I aim to strike a balance that resonates with my audience.

[@gregvanpaassen]

To all the ladies saying we're not their mom, avoidants are terrrible, etc., etc.: good luck finding one of the three securely attached men in America. And, you might want to think about what needs to change to stop the problem persisting down through the generations.

[@andreaberg1735]

Being single sucks but being with an avoidant men who keeps you at arms length even makes you mentally and physically sick. So I rather stay single than to be with someone who does not want to resolve things and change 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@edenwilliams2959]

Single is so much better. Doesn’t suck at all. I can get all of the benefits of authentic friendships, natural bonding, and experience emotional connections all without any responsibility or evasion of my space. I want to avoid these men at all costs.

[@manal9514]

Good luck finding a woman that’ll put up with your bs. Avoidant men need to be hurt so they can change. I was an avoidant. One relationship where I sabotaged everything hurt me so bad I changed the way I show my feelings because I learned that it’s not normal. So yeah women keep leaving these avoidant men they don’t deserve you studying their behavior they need to fix themselves. And there are many securely attached men in America lol

[@manal9514]

Good luck to the avoidant men to keep a woman* There are plenty of secure men. Women who want to be with an avoidant? Not so many

[@misslucky93]

I am an avoidant but if I feel you get distant, i will stay distant too but I will think why you stop giving attentions..It makes me think possible reasons and caught up.

[@nataliemilloy1304]

After hours and hours of trying to learn and understand my avoidant boyfriend, I finally found you! This is the first time someone has actually described the behavior accurately. I'm already paying $500 a month for therapy for myself to deal with what he's put me through. Another $500 just doesn't seem worth the effort at this point. 😕 Wish I had found you three years ago when I still had the energy to try. Thank you for what you do!

[@giselabrat3724]

The best advice would be...heal yourself so you meet a non avoidant partner....investing in healing yourself is a higher return and control on your time investment... this though helps though to realise you are in the wrong relationship...so still helpful

[@cynthiacastro158]

I have been watching majority of your videos thinking my boyfriend is the avoidant but every time I discover more and more that I’m the avoidant. I’m an avoidant woman! In this video, what resonated is being told to turn right will make me want to turn left. I don’t know why I’m like that but I hate being told what to do and I like to solve issues alone. I don’t need anyone physically present to help me solve issues so I avoid people until I figure it out. I escape for sure.

[@handerson-vl7df]

Me too !

[@sabinewk625]

😂❤Adam you are a genius man and great counselor for this generation 🎉

[@charcoalandlight1990]

I found this channel recently and have found it very interesting; it has given me a lot of food for thought. After watching a number of videos on this channel, I wonder if my boyfriend and I are both mildly avoidant (ethical avoidant, I think you put it - we care deeply for each other and are not dismissive of each other). I don't think either of us is "afraid" of commitment to each other, per se, and that's where I think I've erroneously assumed that must mean that neither of us is avoidant. I think we are both very comfortable where we are in the relationship, but it feels like there's a gap that neither of us knows how to bridge. It feels like we are platonic best friends. I'm not sure how to go deeper and build more emotional intimacy (I think he would be open to it). I don't think either of us has ever experienced "deeper." We don't know what we are missing, but I sometimes feel that "something" is missing. In general, I haven't really been able to pinpoint my own attachment style because I get abandonment anxiety but am not clingy at all. I like a decent amount of space but long for more emotional connection. I don't feel afraid of intimacy in theory. On a related note, a lot of stuff I watch and read says you have to ask for what you need in a relationship, and I have no idea what that means. How am I supposed to know what I need in a relationship? That probably sounds weird, but I think that might be my own avoidant attachment (or something like it). Another side note, I don't see myself as being avoidant, but if I really dig deep and reflect, I can see how someone who may have wanted a relationship with me in the past could have perceived me that way. How can you know what you could have if you've never had it and a good measure of emotional distance has always been normal? Also, for what it's worth and/or for context, my boyfriend and I are in our 40s, have dated a lot prior to meeting each other, and are both fairly self-aware.

[@dvegas]

Sometimes I think our anxiety wants to believe the avoidant will modify their strategy, but they oftentimes are very set in their ways. I’ve had to just accept people for who they were, not who I hoped they would be. And then just walk away because our needs are too different.

[@bradleyfrank7933]

THIS! If only more people would change what can be changed, accept what can't be changed, and having the wisdom to know the difference between the two.

[@dvegas]

@@bradleyfrank7933 Great quote! Having that wisdom takes time and it’s not always easy while we are in the middle of the relationship. But after some self reflection, I’ve been able to see what can be changed and what to accept.

[@bradleyfrank7933]

@@dvegas nobody sees it from the avoidant point of view. Some of us just aren't made to be in relationships or excessive social situations. The more people who realize that, and accept that, the less pain there would be. The problem is that people want to impose on the avoidant, to be something that they can't be, or won't be. Fighting that is like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object.

[@dvegas]

@@bradleyfrank7933 I totally understand and think really saying this up front when we meet someone and laying out our boundaries would save so much heartache. Personally, I need a lot of consistent communication and time spent together, but I know that’s not for everyone. And if someone told me that they like very little communication and also are highly risk adverse, I may decide to step back. This is personal and work, because I have a few avoidant friends and work with avoidant people too. I had to learn these things through trial and error over time. Asking better questions up front and disclosing more about my needs would have been way more helpful.

[@edenwilliams2959]

Yes yes yes!!! Exactly this. I don’t desire for a person to change. I just ask that they show their true self so that I know in how to make a truly informed decision based of who they really are.

[@biancaleclerc4103]

I succeeded in giving him a massage 🤣🤣🤣 He kind of liked it but was also very uncomfortable. Still he wanted to receive the massage and it made him feel better. Being with an avoidant men is such a slow process. I am crazy about him, and indeed am very very motivated. He is so adorable 🥰

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good job! I'm glad to hear that it helped! If you want to learn more information and strategies to build a lasting connection with him, make sure to check out my new course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@NidzShah-ps6kr]

I had a friend who pulled an avoidant "drama" once. I told him to get lost immediately. There are things I noticed about him: 1)They don't make consistent eye contact 2)They aren't very confrontational 3)They have an insatiable need for attention that they themselves are scared of. 4)They are feudal and not problem solvers. Don't be fooled by any token efforts here. 5)They will usually try to exert control over small silly things. So you don't wanna generally budge. 6)they are conflict mongerers. 7)They cannot engage people intellectually for a long time If you are generally a no nonsense person, you can bite their heads off. Tit for tat works with them bcz the one thing they are afraid of is losing control, as said in the video.

[@SowingSeedsWithChristy]

Such a hopeful video. Just years too late for my senseless heartbreak. I relate to how you explained watching his brain seek to understand my words as well as seek his own right words in response to mine, and losing that beautiful, natural momentum, as I tried to express things in a non- threatening way and show him respect for his need to work and secure his future financially, while trying to prove time and time again that just coming together to resolve things was the answer. Yet I didn't fully have the language nor fully have control over my mounting anxiety from his habitual distancing when he felt too close. So sad. I couldn't understand his signals and he couldn't trust my motivations. What is agonizing is feeling he's found the right recipe with someone else.

[@chickndinner2851]

If, like me, you’ve been in the habit of chasing and being anxious, controlling and needy, giving/taking space is vital for learning to be secure in yourself and stop overthinking everything. Constant focus on the other person’s motivations isn’t healthy for either party. You gotta just let it air out sometimes. Avoidants aren’t wrong to be concerned about being *absorbed* into a couple and losing their autonomy, because that’s exactly what would happen if we anxious people had our way. 😅

[@Im____ltm]

I’m so over it. Done trying.

[@SM999]

Love doesn’t care if you’re an avoidant or whatever

[@Dreamweaver777]

It's not a "method" it's a healthy letting go.

[@user-hn2yp4ee4k]

Thank you for this video, I feel my eyes are open and I see now that without change of avoidant behaviors--it just won't work. Bread crumbs isn't enough, I need more.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! Are you currently in a relationship with an avoidant partner?

[@user-hn2yp4ee4k]

No, he decided I was worth getting healthy for--as usual, he was right.

[@susanrisney179]

This video made me cry for a very long time. My avoidant has been out of my life for a few months now. And I hoped and prayed that he would miss me. But I guess the answer is no. A tiny glimmer of hope that was said to be the worst of all that came out of Pandora's box. And I would have to agree now.

[@SE-hi3my]

Lot of people expressing frustration at their previous relationship experience with avoidant men. Sometimes I pity my therapist as she clearly struggles in the sessions. Makes me feel sad with the comments which sound familiar, as I’m an avoidant.

[@bradleyfrank7933]

If only people would leave us alone. I am tired of being labeled as if there is anything wrong with me. Some of us are just wired to be alone. Why is that so hard for other people to understand?

[@edenwilliams2959]

@@bradleyfrank7933because you don’t choose to be alone. You get into relationships. Thats the issue. Not the behavior or personality type. Your behavior isn’t not fit for a relationship, you know that, and still recklessly and irresponsibly proceed with one.

[@Seraphina93]

I wanted to say thank u for the video in which u differentiated between „normal“ (ethical?) avoidants and the manipulative ones. It helped me let my ex go, and now hopefully my best friend (fearful avoidant) will go… okay with these videos.