How to Attract Your Avoidant Partner Like Never Before

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How to Love an Avoidant Man: Stop Chasing, Start Attracting
Welcome to my channel! I'm Adam Lane Smith, the Attachment Specialist.
In this video, we'll dive into a common question I receive: "If chasing an avoidant man makes him bail out of the relationship because he hates feeling that pressure, then what on earth is the right way to draw him into the relationship based on his own desires?"
Here’s what you’ll learn:
The Impact of Chasing an Avoidant Man:
Why do avoidant men run away when they feel pressured.
How your anxious attachment style might be affecting your relationship.
The psychological and emotional dynamics behind the chase and withdraw pattern.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment:
The root causes of avoidant attachment styles.
How avoidant men perceive risk and why they fear deep intimacy.
The role of dopamine and other brain chemicals in avoidant attachment.
Effective Strategies to Attract Him:
The importance of self-regulation and emotional discipline.
How to communicate your needs using the “what, why, and how often” method.
Speaking his language to build trust and intimacy.
I’m Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist, with over 15 years of experience in psychology and relationships. I’ve helped thousands of clients worldwide and millions online. This channel recently hit 65,000 subscribers, thanks to all of you who are seeking healthy, fulfilling relationships!
What You Need to Know:
Avoidant men need two main things to thrive in a relationship:
A partner who is fully self-regulated and never chases.
Clear, measurable communication of needs.
Avoidant men operate on a risk assessment basis:
Instead of feeling emotionally loved, they need concrete, understandable actions.
Present your needs in a way that highlights benefits for both of you.
Don't miss my new "How to Love an Avoidant Man Video" Course: adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love...
A step-by-step guide to building a fulfilling, intimate connection with an avoidant partner.
Perfect for both partners and avoidant men looking to understand their needs better.
If you enjoyed this video then I would recommend you give this video on avoidant attachment a watch: • Do Avoidants Even KNOW...
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If you’ve struggled in dating or marriage and worry you’re not good enough, worry no more. The Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith wrote this guide to show you how to stop fearing abandonment and start building healthy relationships. Through his proven step-by-step method for repairing attachment, Adam will teach you what people really want from you, how to give and receive love without fear, what red flags to avoid, and how you can build a lifetime love with a partner you trust.
Slaying Your Fear - A Book For People Who Grapple With Insecurity
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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Letting Go of an Avoidant Man
00:02:39 - The Survival Mode of Avoidant Attachment Style
00:05:16 - The Internal Response to Abandonment Wounds
00:07:50 - The Worst Instinct: Chasing in Relationships
00:10:18 - Breaking the Pattern of Avoidant Attachment Style
00:12:41 - Self-Regulation and Secure Attachment
00:15:13 - Effective Communication in Relationships
00:17:46 - The Importance of Emotional Regulation
00:20:17 - How to Attract an Avoidant Man
00:22:42 - Avoidant Attachment Style Revelation

[@shelbylauren4]

Unfortunately after 25 it gets down to being able to calculate how much time that is being “wasted”. If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week. Come on now. You’re wasting months and years you could have been having a real relationship and connection with someone. The audacity to think someone should sit around and wait on you because they love you is absurd at this point.

[@ElectreMusings]

"If your partner isn’t working on being secure, you can literally calculate how much time you’re even going to get with them in a month or year. If they have to run away with minor inconveniences and that happens twice a week." Insanely, painfully accurate.

[@angel-mq2mo]

Truer words were never spoken!!

[@TheAlixir]

Oh this hits hard 😢

[@marinettecachin5931]

Gosh this is a good point. I had enough of waiting for him to be available from work and responsibilities.. and my time was waisted let alone the suffering of not seeing him I had to let him go. Painful lesson but I learned so much from this lesson.

[@saltypipefitter4618]

The selfish woman response just leave then

[@waterlilynymph]

Adam, you are so right. I love an avoidant man and over two years he was hot and cold long distance, and it was difficult for my anxious attachment style. But he helped me become secure within myself by learning to relax, give him time and room to feel safe with me. And now he is actively working on moving closer to me to build a life together. I learned so much from my avoidant in my life and ready to keep working on self regulation to become more secure

[@Wldflwr808]

Yes! Same thing happened with me! I was insanely anxious with an avoidant- which I knew nothing about at the time. HE’S the one who calmed me… he was so kind and caring about it. He didn’t shame me or cut me off! And because of it, I began researching about relationships and came across Adam’s channel. It’s been several months of me just soaking it all in and I couldn’t be happier in life and with him because of it!

[@AttachmentAdam]

That sounds like quite a journey you've been on. It's great that you've found a way to grow through it!

[@haydenneal504]

same with me!

[@SarahXu-ut3zf]

Can you share how did you "prevent" him from seeking new attention from new people after about 7months to a year? Because I also hear stories about some guys after you become secure and give him time and space, and by the end he didn't respect or cherish your love but turn away and seek for new lovers.

[@JK-di8nt]

@waterlilynymph thank you for sharing. Can you shae some things you did? What's the longest time he disappeared? This is an ongoing cycle, I try not to chase but some times I know I'm intense.

[@OlderWomenRock]

Agree He felt stressed by my expectations and standards , normal and healthy ones like respect ! He wanted to be a flake without any protest He wanted it all on His terms He created the stress not Me I only wanted what most Woman would want I gave Him space , I was as patient as I could be But I wasn’t being respected or valued I won’t accept that

[@koralia100]

Word!!!

[@TouTou22784]

Same here 👍👏

[@monikori6473]

Yes I hear you!

[@bxmully]

Your best best is to find an older man who has done the work and healing. I myself am an FA man and my wife is a AP attachment style. We are young we have been married for less than a year. But working on this stuff together and understanding how each of us work and then consciously working towards shared goals resulted in a lot of vasopressin bonding between us and we have an amazing relationship. She tells me that "living with you is like being in a fairy tale" Our friends and family see us as the idea power couple. But I explain to them we don't have normal attachment styles and it requires constant work and communication. My wife understands how I think and communicate and so she does her best to work with me that way, in a way I can understand. Not all FA men are jerks. We just have been through so much trauma that we had to become this way to survive. Ofcourse, trauma is no excuse not to work on oneself. Finding ppl who are committed to working on INTEGRATION of FRAGMENTED parts of themselves is a rare thing. Typically they are older, from what i can tell. Working on my issues and traumas and integrating fragmented parts of myself was the best thing I've ever done. I used a book called King, Warrior, Magician, Lover to help me in my journey. Another good book for healthy masculinity is Man Of Steel and Velvet. Also Robert Blys book called Iron John. Masculinity is learned. We don't have good teachers so we have a society of uninitiated boys masquerading as men. I will admit I still have personal work and healing to do but I've come a very very long way and all my friends and family agree I've become the best version of myself thus far. I do my best to teach younger men and boys in my family how to be and exhibit healthy masculinity. There's a lot of talk about toxic masculinity. We need more healthy masculinity. OK that's my two cents. Good luck! Wishing you the best and true love!

[@sheliasmith2884]

Same here

[@writer1986]

It sounds like the avoidant runs because they're projecting their fears/insecurities onto us. So they're basically just running from themselves. This is a lose-lose situation. Personally, I gave up. I gave up on my husband (an avoidant) and our marriage. Only then did he stop running and start showing up.... I agree with the first thing you said: don't pursue the avoidant; if you lose them, you lose them. At least you didn't lose yourself.

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

YEP 100% very true. They literally are causing their own early death. They can't blame the anxious/secure

[@user-gl2vw4vo9s]

I love this!

[@Holisticwellnesswithshaunie]

See I feel this leaves the partner having to accept what the avoidant partner wants to give . Everything I've heard so far leaves the partner only getting what the avoidant wants to give when they want to give it .

[@sunbeam9222]

That's probably because the title is doomed anyway. No one should strategize in relationships. I don't think that ever works long term. One can just be themselves, trusting life, and be open to receive gracefully whatever life wants to give. That's already a lot to do.

[@rednvocal]

You're missing a big component. That is that people influence each other. We each have a certain tendency to react and behave, based on our early experiences. We all want to be given in relationships, and some try to get based on those early learning experiences. But in a relationship if you want something different, you need to learn how to affect the unit, the two people who create it, in a way that is life - supporting.

[@monikori6473]

​@@sunbeam9222 I agree

[@mystic-83_]

@@sunbeam9222 This only works if you're secure. If you have an insecure attachment style, and you keep being yourself, you're likely going to mess up your relationships. It's not about strategizing, but healing (both of you) so your relationship goes smoother.

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

@@mystic-83_ the problem is security doesn't work with avoidants, they will sabotage everyone around them. So it doesn't matter- you have to strategize with them, its the only way to try to get them to see the wall they might have to heal in themselves, especially if you are anxious this will just be double work.

[@natasha1061]

He has so many good points about how their avoidant attachment came about in the first place. My own notes to self: 1. Work on own codependency to manage abandonment triggers and get secure attachment. So much hotter than the alternative 2. Don’t create perceived or real pressure (being critical and pushy) 3. Get a life and leave them alone, let them come around- stop chasing. No smother mothering behavior 4. If they don’t come around…. Have enough self esteem to start moving on at which point you guys can do the dance all over again because you’ll have lost interest in them and moved in with someone which takes all the pressure off of person A which makes you more attractive

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

Exactly. Awesome observations. Avoidants can be amazing with a partner who gives off healthy, independent, stable energy.

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes not usually though, they usually are too immature ( not able to receive love/project onto others) to retain someone with secure attachment, especially if they refuse ownership

[@straightmanforever69]

Thanks alot this will help me lots!

[@dig-in8bo]

Ladies do yourself a favor. Stop chasing avoidant men. Let them do the hard work to heal and let them show you they are trying to change. Otherwise stop wasting your time. Months or years can go by you will never get back.

[@CorvidLove]

@@dig-in8bo and men, stop chasing avoiding ladies..... 😳

[@mariaabatino9061]

Never chased anybody. Still he disappeared for days in the beginning. I said i was sick of it and that was it. Bumped into a few times but not a word from this person. I dont really care about other's trauma. Cant be bother. Not a mother, not a psycho, just a woman. period. I am so happy to be myself.

[@silviamateevaloveintimacy6591]

well sometimes it's not just the trauma, most probably the feelings were not enough too... from both sides. Which is ok. Otherwise that wouldn't have been the end! (Trust me, you surely have some type of trauma too, and you would want the one to be in relationship with, to care about it! Otherwise it's not love we are talking about, if you can't care about the burden of the person you supposedly want to be with)

[@dvegas]

The self-regulation is huge!! After repeated avoidance, that’s when I had struggles to maintain composure. What I learned was to speak up after the avoidance right away, in a calm tone. Establish boundaries and even take some space for myself with self-reflection. Now that I’m learning to self-reflect better, I realized which avoidant relationships I had to let go and which ones I mirror their level of investment. It brought me much peace. Because hyper focusing on someone who is taking space only steals my joy. And I allowed myself to waste precious time because I was not self-regulating property.

[@victoriathompson2246]

I left 2+ years ago when I caught him emotionally cheating for a 3rd time. His body & mind is toxic, he made himself impotent from unhealthy choices. He still gives me silent treatment. I’m happy with work so I have my own money. Men who don’t do inner work I have no energy or time for.

[@TheAlixir]

It’s starting to feel like torture to be honest. I think I don’t have the luxury to keep this relationship. I’m in recovery and it’s just too much

[@ElectreMusings]

I think you should only stick with an avoidant if you REALLY feel like it's worth the trouble (torture !!!) and really believe in the person's potential to heal and then make you happy/satisfy your needs.

[@MyXtelle]

Courage

[@AttachmentAdam]

What makes it feel that way? I encourage you to reach out to me through [e-mail] to discuss this in more detail. I'd be happy to share more strategies and resources with you.

[@johnnydi2231]

It absolutely is like being tortured! 100% I say that at least 8 times a day! Lol These people cause so much pain. Even when they seem (or pretend) like they're not trying to. Every thing that comes out of their mouth is so aloof & nonchalant. And even when their words are sweet, their actions are usually atrocious or just selfish really. Like they could care less how you feel, or how they're making you feel. Smfh Yeah, I'm in the middle of this right now, as well. Have been for a very long time, in fact! And I don't even know why I hold on. Wishing for that "magic day" where she finally realizes, and it all turns around, I guess? 😅 Yeah right.... I know. They're simply self absorbed from what I can tell. And it makes me sick, in all honesty. Idk why we love who we love? 🤷🏻‍♂️ But it seems like a terrible system to me. Best of luck to you, with yours! 🙂👍🏻

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

@@johnnydi2231 I get it. Are you in the course? The hardest work is at the beginning. I am in your shoes

[@magicisreal111]

I’ve been letting him come to me for three years at his convenience because I know he panics after intimacy. We broke up for four months because I asked for a commitment and he said he loves me and is crazy attracted to me but doesn’t feel enough to take it to the next level. Then he came back and he came to visit me seven hours away, we had a beautiful few days together … and now it’s been silence for a week. It used to hurt me and I think I’m just desensitized now and my feelings have sort of shut off. I’ve always called him my feral cat. That’s exactly how I have to approach him. But I’m at the point where I don’t want to enable him anymore so I encouraged him to get into trauma and or twelve step therapy. He said he wants to change but is terrified about what that entails. I have to just leave him to do what he’s gonna do and take care of me.

[@denisedenise9530]

Stop having sex with him , and see what happens. Why are you giving the best part of yourself to someone who doesn’t understand what you are giving

[@brightpage1020]

I'd rather inspire somebody - and somebody else! Not avoiding me. I'd rather fall in love with my own life and naturally attract people who want to share it. I also want to show him respect. If he's running the other way, best way I can support him is to let him go, to take the hint and scram. To respect his space. And give him plenty. It's not personal. It's not against me. It's just for him to feel secure in his own safety. No chuff.

[@Angela-vn7sz]

I love an avoidant one and totally 💯 understand the core reasons for his traumatic response for any intimacy and relationships… The problem with giving all the space and time and understanding etc etc is that it never teaches them that there’s also another’s person needs and wounds and emotions. And that love demands trust and vulnerability but on terms of both parts. Not only that we become his space giver therapy to continue the loop of avoidance. But still they are so lovable ❤ And yes, the only thing that works is to heal our own anxiety and become securely attached and walk away with gratitude and appreciation for the lessons.

[@Devi-tg8fh]

You are so right!

[@jenniferhobbs2719]

Adam, you are a big help. Probably because you have an inside lane. I noticed a pic on your desk of "The Man!" who was brought before the crowd. I recognize the pic from the magazine. Are you one of us? I think.. I was bonded to the man I love. The second time he left, I gave him a dose of his own medicine. He came back, shocked.. that I left him. No.. I told him what's wrong. He has taken time and happily is settling down. Now we talk heart to heart. He's learning slowly to trust. I pray a lot!

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

how did you navigate that? Did you just cut him off? Did you tell him you were cutting him off? am interested to understand this, I tried telling my guy I was gone and he didnt seem to care

[@ruthr8990]

Why do I want to have a relationship who wants to avoid it😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great question. Your avoidant partner most likely only wants to avoid conflict, emotionally overwhelming situations, and betrayal. They don't want to avoid having the entire relationship. Let me know if this makes sense.

[@ruthr8990]

@@AttachmentAdam they want to avoid emotional intimacy not just conflict or betrayal. I don’t have a partner that is avoidant. I avoided them 🤪

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@ruthr8990 my avoidant is very emotionally intimate with me. It doesn't happen overnight though. They have to establish love and trust and not feel judged.

[@brightpage1020]

​@@ruthr8990I think the way you put this really clarifies the delusion- that you can have an intimate relationship without conflict. That seems surreal.

[@ruthr8990]

Conflicts either brings you more intimate or further apart. With avoidants it’s further apart. An intimate relationship with avoidants are oxymoron. Teaching/learning attracting avoidants creates more sufferings in life. Avoidants are to be avoided.

[@beancheese3148]

I remember when I asked my avoidant partner (who was a situationship att) what he wanted in a woman. He said, “well.. someone nice, loving and warm.” He then just sat there and seemed content with the list. I burst out laughing which kind of upset him. Then I told him, “sorry I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing because that’s the bare minimum.” Security, peace and patience were the words he was looking for. It’s easy to be warm and loving without being patient and peaceful.

[@TianieMitchell]

I hope the answer is not Chase but be available when he comes towards you let him know you're interested without saying it and enjoy his company where while he's there and that's it I hope I'm still learning and I'm 63. So you understand this it's because I was raised by a man raised by a man never taught how to date from a woman's perspective

[@shelleymadden9128]

I feel like these videos might be teaching people especially women to stay in unhealthy relationships. We all have. Responsibility to be our best self is not someone else’s job.

[@monikori6473]

Yes :(😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

What made you feel that way?

[@shelleymadden9128]

@@AttachmentAdam What made me feel the responsibility to be our best self is not somebody else’s job??

[@MarionFiedlerMusic]

I understand what you are saying. I am kinda clinging to the hope that life can be better. Family, love, ... it starts with us and that we become stronger. Lots of people who hear how ethical avoidants behave interpret that behavior, especially the drastic attempts to protect themselves, as ignorance or manipulation, ... I want to believe in what I feel. And I feel there is a kind person behind the armor. I have stayed with manipulative avoidants and that shows I firstly have to work on myself. I want to believe Adam and I hope he is right. And maybe it doesnt matter if there is no new beginning. I use the time of nc to work on myself. i have a loving heart to give and just through my time around ethical avoidance i have grown so beautifully strong. Now I Need to wake up and work on needs which I have always put second. And on being happy, fulfilled. I kinda hope, whatever happens, my heart finds what it needs. One day. I wait for the avoidance after deactivation to turn into readiness to work according to Adams hints. If this doesnt happen, i have to be ok. I will only stay unless there is reliable work. I guess if I stick to that route and do my own homework there is no problem? tryna figure it out...

[@kylel4971]

Especially women? Women are more avoidant than men these days

[@brightpage1020]

I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. I enjoy breaks, space, room to stretch or grow. I don't need to control them or force them or guilt them into staying with me. They want to ne somewhere else? They have every right. If I care for them, I'd rather see them happy. When they care for me, they'll stay for that reason. Any coerced reason is not true, real, or reliable.

[@Justmeandmyai]

I’ve been with you for about a month now, and you are correct. We know :) my only problem is had I found this earlier….. I could have not only prevented the devastation on both parts, because I can identify each and every opportunity I had where I could have reacted with healthy boundaries.

[@RaeBaeLove]

You have to regulate your emotions. I’m dealing with an avoidant man and he’s watched because I’m cool calm and NEVER CHASE! You have to relax and let go of control. It works for me.

[@elizabethbachman669]

Wow, you described my relationship exactly. I sure wish I had this information years ago when I went through this. It was So painful.

[@joed4066]

With an avoidant, you are alone and that is a worse alone than being totally alone!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Why do you think that?

[@user-wr3gy7el2h]

I am self regulating in my life he can get lost forever !!!!!!! ✅

[@haydenneal504]

I've never had such quick and fulfilling results and honestly I wouldn't even call myself anxiously attached anymore.. I go hours without messaging her but I love she is consistent In calling me and daily and I've now noticed it almost flipping. . I've never felt so confident in myself and with her and seeing her showing feelings I've never seen from her in nearly years of dating You are a genius and how you put it into layman terms it's really relatable. I look back on how I was and cringe. and feel like a dictator in how I was toxicly telling her how it needed to be. Thank you thank you thank you.

[@d1v1n1ti]

wait, so she is chasing you now? ... I'm only asking because I am with a guy that seemed to initiate text at first, but then i got comfortable messaging him all the time about random things... I realized I was starting to message way more than he did and was becoming anxious so I pulled back... then he did NOTHING... I waited 4 days and finally wrote something, to which he immediately responded to but now he just won't initiate any conversation. I don't really understand it, but I'm wondering if he feels like you and just enjoys me consistently communicating... it just became exhausting on my end because it feels like he's so passive, he could care less if I came or went, I don't feel valued anymore... I feel like I'm being taken for granted... I tried not to over analyze because nothing negative is being stated... I just don't want to play any games... so when I read what you wrote, it sounds like you enjoy the girl messaging you all the time without you initiating? am I getting it correctly? is this a good thing? I just can't figure out, if I should do that because I don't want to come off like I'm chasing him

[@chrisskirha5763]

Wow!!! This one video has helped me to understand him. This is crazy how on point this is !! I will definitely take your advice thank you.

[@baruchrachamim1025]

i love you, dude i have a good friend who seems avoidant, and my insecure attachment style, as a friend, caused a rupture in our friendship it's so good to begin to understand what's going on with him and how i can be a better friend G-d bless you and the good work your doing

[@rednvocal]

Adam, this is my favourite video of yours. I think it's so amazing. I understood myself better, and know what to do consistently now. I also know that when I've self- regulated, and shown empathy, he opens up. One way of putting it is " how would love respond"? If one can step back and respond that way, and also communicate clearly and calmly - that's basic relationship skills of a loving adult. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm thrilled to hear that the video resonated with you and provided valuable insights. It sounds like you've gained some powerful tools for nurturing your relationship. Keep up the great work, and I'm here if you ever need further guidance.

[@paula8mp]

Truth! Need to watch it again!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found it valuable!

[@fatimam1240]

Incredible video. Thank you so much

[@grabbelton]

You helped... You informed me, so i can finally understand us and him more, i could relax a bit into the situation, got to work on myself and at the same time got more secure and as result that we getting closer together... He learns what it feels like to be really loved and trust and feel save and i Learn how to be me and also feel save again. We neither experienced real intimacy but between us it comes naturally and it is very special to be so vulnerable with someone Its a slow proces but that is a good thing a guess. He told me yesterday that his thoughts where all he had going and since a while his feelings pierce through now and then and those make him think about his usual thoughts 😁. He told me his thoughts and some fears, I am surprised to hear that his thoughts about us are about the future, if we can and will care for eachother, and how to get there etc, I am still in the moment, I love that, never imagined him to think about that's... Oh sorry, this was going to be a short thank you for helping us but it is again, a bit more.. I can talk for hours about him and I and our story so far, but I will shut up now. 😁👌🏻

[@chefbperez]

Thank you so much. Love your content and rhe way you explain things. Much love and success.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you find the content helpful.

[@kateaghaghiri2968]

I’m so grateful this takes a positive approach. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful!

[@debbie2520]

Found this really helpful. Thank you 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

So glad it was helpful!😊

[@ruthr8990]

Can you talk about how these avoidants should see you to get therapy? Teaching attracting avoidants causes more pain in the universe.

[@ElectreMusings]

Even mentioning the word "therapy" would make mine run for the hills and despise me, for he genuinely believes he's better than everyone else and could not fathom having an issue... (when he's just better at being more miserable and lonely, lol !! :'( )

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, absolutely. I do encourage anxiously attached as well avoidantly attached people to start doing the work and fixing their attachment to experience healthier, more fulfilling connection with their partners and social circles. Why do you say it causes more pain in the world?

[@sookibeulah9331]

⁠@@ElectreMusingsif he “genuinely believes he’s better than anyone else” and refuses to look at or consider his flaws that sounds a lot like narcissism

[@user-gl2vw4vo9s]

​@sookibeulah9331 sounds like my newly met guy he's calling me a psychopath and loves pissing me off to get a rise he says how sexy I sound or look when I am upset. SMH.....covert narcissist???? Oh yeah not to mention he's the motherfucking shit I hear 24/7 and I stand up for myself and tell him I'm not falling for his deceit and lies he has shit to work on that is just respect for women In general but he's done nothing wrong to make me react in the tone/manner he knows how to make me angry. Our first week was pure love bombing playing house I fell in love with the idea of being with him. He's a narcissistic dickhead I hate/love I feel he has put me under a love spell bodage through sex but he's only about his nut. Shits crazy!

[@DeshaunDamon]

@@sookibeulah9331 I think most Avoidants are high on the spectrum of Narcissism. For the first few years I thought my ex was a MN but now know that he’s Avoidant w/ some narcissistic tendencies.

[@mayo2265]

You freaking nailed it

[@nancyperreault3732]

Good advice, Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks, Nancy. I appreciate your support!

[@marik8624]

Writing things down frantically and definitely watching this again 😅 thank you 🙏🏻 lots to think about

[@AttachmentAdam]

Taking the time to reflect and revisit can often lead to valuable insights. Glad you found it helpful!🙏❤

[@NeilJSchwab]

Absolutely fantastic video.. this man is a genius 👏

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for the support! I appreciate you!

[@gilliansteele8415]

Avoidants are only attracted to securely attached people as they don't want the responsibility of (self-)regulating them (13m in). You need to keep going with that thought, and see how the avoidant is then making their self-regulation the secure's responsibility. If someone gets as secure as you say is needed to keep the relationship,they'll have outgrown the relationship

[@JD-dv9kc]

I don't think that's the case. They attract anxious as much if not moreso

[@22-2pisces8]

It feels to me like both styles orriginate from trauma and so i feel like everyone needs to adress that first, heal yourself first instead of trying to make a relationship work while both are dealing with this trauma

[@kleinekruger8410]

You are just the best! Thanks for all your helpfull work! ♥

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to be able to help and provide support.

[@paulamthimunye5846]

Wooooow oh woooow!! Where have u been all my life? I almost ended my marriage with my avoidant husband of 10 n half years. Thank you so much!!! *A new subscriber*

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad to hear that you found the information helpful and that it might have made a positive impact on your marriage! What specific insights or strategies from the videos do you plan to apply in your relationship moving forward?

[@heatherguess518]

Im becoming aware for myself that any destructive pattern is like being beaten and torured for years......that healing takes compassion and kindness and understanding to support and move into a healthier direction. Like healing any injury it's a step at a time.

[@Daintily]

Thank you, that resonated

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so welcome. I'm glad to hear that. Which part stood out the most to you?

[@paulamthimunye5846]

Constantly working on being self regulated? Wow, i never would have thought! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

[@AttachmentAdam]

You can do it! How do you plan to incorporate self-regulation practices into your daily routine?

[@ADM015]

Great video!! Can you use all the info in this video for avoidant women too or is there a different strategy beyond no chasing?

[@kirtidagautam6786]

This is one of the most informative channels on attachment styles and how to embrace our partner with his unique style of relating to the world.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much, I appreciate your feedback. This means a lot!

[@Justmeandmyai]

My previous comment is the anxious I’m me jumping to defend what I believe in lol. But I now know my emotion backed responses are ineffective because I can’t slow down to say what I mean and mean what I say. My intentions are this, in response to the heat he’s getting. Here’s WHY Adam is set apart from a pond with many other extraordinary and intelligent experts. When I turned to KZbin in search for help I needed so desperately. But describing my partner led me straight to Narcissism. I battled my heart and my head because I was so torn with what I was reading and listening to because I knew he wasn’t evil. Then I found Adam where attachment theory LITERALLY was the EXACT thing we were going through. And neither my ex partner and I are monsters. We just so happen to be THE WORST combination anxious and avoidant both topped with one undiagnosed bpd and an untreated bpd. So yeah. You’re pretty irreplaceable to your crew!!

[@sophiashekinah9872]

Do secure attachers ever get anxious attachment just from dealing with an avoidant attacher? I thought I had a secure attachment style until I bonded with an avoidant. I've never chased a man before; if I liked someone who didn't want a relationship, there were always plenty of others "lined up" so to speak. Then, I bonded to an avoidant and was so confused because he never said he didn't want anything with me, and he was never abusive (but neglect/avoidance feels like abuse) and we Loved spending time together. I guess that's a long-winded explanation to try to understand my own behavior in response to an avoidant...

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@sophia yes they bring out some anxiety in the secure. Sometimes i take Ashwagandha or lion’s mane and I don’t like it one bit.

[@Sporkwoman]

Yes absolutely I have a reasonably secure attachment style however being with an avoidant man has definitely brought out some anxious tendencies, which I have become aware of and now I'm actively working to fix. Thankfully I believe it as much easier when you are previously securely attached but pushed towards anxious rather than anxiously attached and trying to move to securely attached from anxious. My avoidant has recently broken up with me for the second time and I am just getting on with my life I have left the door open if he wants to get in contact but I am not pushing things. I think that is much easier for people who are secure to do than those who are anxious. I love him and I want him to be happy but I cannot continue to put myself through the cycles if he refuses to get help to work on his avoidance. Putting healthy boundaries in place is something that securely attached people do much better than anxiously attached.

[@sophiashekinah9872]

@@Sporkwoman @user-tz1hl3pf2w Thank You both! His behavior was confusing enough, but then me behaving in ways that aren't normal or natural for me was BEYOND confusing! This really helps.

[@RubyLine]

Yep dismissive avoidants can turn secure people into anxious ones. Due to their repeated patterns of behaviours. And yes neglect is a form of abuse too.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@RubyLine I'm curious to know what you would consider neglect. I date a DA and don't feel that way. But I also don't have a ton of needs.

[@8Deandrea8]

Thanks this video was helpful

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate your feedback! Is this a specific struggle you grapple with in your relationship with an avoidant?

[@thomashowe5374]

This guys on the ball!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for that! If you have any questions or need further insights, feel free to reach out. I'm here to help!

[@SarahXu-ut3zf]

But how do I know what behavior is chasing? Personally I don't think I never chase an avoidant, I never go love bombing in the early dating period, I never call 10 times and send 50 messages if he distanced, I kept a good respectful distance and gave him space when he needs it, maybe he gradually realize that I am not "risky", but it still didn't make him make the decision or statement that "I want to be in a relationship with YOU and for long term and seriously".

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

you were too safe and secure. He needs the emotional chaos, vapidity and pain to feed off of. Love hurts him

[@internaltuning9914]

It really hit my heart when you said, "He has never felt loved." 💔

[@AttachmentAdam]

That can be a powerful and heartbreaking realization. Understanding the deep-seated feelings of someone, especially an avoidant individual, can help foster empathy and patience. How do you plan to use this understanding to approach relationships with more empathy and compassion?

[@SukhaEssence]

I’m gonna have to watch this video several times

[@staywellandstrong4199]

Love this. Deep breaths, now. What, Why, How Iften Method. Stellar

[@ljroberts3739]

OMG I HAVE FINALLY GOT IT 🎉 TY. TY. TY.

[@AttachmentAdam]

What made this a big lightbulb moment for you? I’d love to hear.

[@ljroberts3739]

I didn't understand exactly WHY he was so standoffish about some things in our 2.5 yr relationship. He ALWAYS had to call the shots. Long story short: His Dad was a god to him, always working as a well known community physician. I believe that his Mom was the true task master and dealt with him since his Dad was rarely there. I believe he holds this resentment of his Mom against all women. Ergo HE ALWAYS calls the shots. I also noticed that when his Mom died, there was no Obit, memorial, etc....whereas his Dad had a huge write up & memorial. What do you think?

[@joansandeen9443]

Thank you thsnk you thsnk you!!! ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

Appreciate you! ❤❤

[@kamilicaable]

9:22 that hit the spot! You are amazing!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it resonated with you. Appreciate your kind words!

[@AB-uf2si]

If i would seen this video before!!!! 🙏 Genius ❤️

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you found the video helpful! 💖

[@royrodgers567]

Thank you. This all has described my Wife and I. She is fearful avoidant, while I am anxious lol. She left the marriage for a limerent affair. The affair is over now and she is showing signs of return. She drops hints here and there about coming back but can't seem to just come out and say it. I understand now and will continue to learn. Thank you.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad the video resonated with you. Understanding your attachment styles is a big step. If your wife is hinting at returning, creating a safe space for open communication could help. Have you considered couples coaching to navigate this transition?

[@yellowtheresunshine]

"Nobody is to blame" is a key guideline to keep in mind.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a wise perspective to keep in mind.

[@mn9120]

10:22 😂 Hello! Thank you. This is a quality content and you are charming. 🙂👍

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words🙂 and I'm so glad the content resonates with you👍

[@jasonw2696]

My wife is avoidant 😔 i am anxious 🤦🏻‍♂️ i love her and our kids very much . Wow I have been told many times that I am diss regulated and over emotional 😔. You nailed it Adam. You are the one you have been waiting for is an excellent book . I got it and it helped me so much to understand my personal problems in my marriage.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that you've found resources to help you understand your challenges and relationship dynamics. How have you started to apply the insights from the book to your daily interactions with your wife and kids?

[@vanessadelacruz206]

My ex is an avoidant and felt like it was too much for him. He said he couldn’t do a relationship right now and he needed time to work on himself. I’m hoping that time apart will help and hopefully we can grow together again. I want to learn how to understand how he thinks?

[@christianschmindt8215]

Love your Video , iam an anxious attachement style, and you know what , i need someone with a secure attachment style or also an anxious because it is not worth it to be with an avoidand because i need someone who wants to Communicate who wants to settle down but these kind of people are Not ready and iam Not Waiting for them ❤ i Wait for someone does not put me in anxiety all day sweaty and shiffering , i Wait for the men who gives me the feeling of Comfort, and iam sorry that they have Trauma but it is not my responsability to accept their behavoir

[@tiffany00nelson]

Say Ive made every mistake available; how do I get him to even talk to me? I learned all this after. There's so much more to my story. I'll keep watching... bc that's all I can do. Thanx Adam. Im gonna keep watching.

[@coachathenajackson]

Leave him be there isn't much you can do

[@jadaedwards2596]

Thank you, Adam. Your videos are very helpful. I give him space and don’t chase him. I might be slightly avoidant myself. He is hot and cold, but he keeps coming back, and we seem to be slowly getting closer. However, I sometimes feel the relationship is one-sided. How do I know that he is really interested other than the fact that he always comes back when I give him the space he needs?

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad you find the videos helpful! I encourage you to look for consistent actions that show his commitment, such as making plans, showing interest in your life, and communicating openly. Have you tried having a conversation with him to clarify where you both stand in the relationship?

[@Kabast]

I’m an avoidant. Thanks for the video.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're most welcome. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

[@ElectreMusings]

Before even hitting play I need to say : I hope to God that something in there will help me because DAMN, just how awful as he been lately... x_x as in as... how talented has he been to avoid me in spite of needing the relief I bring / wanting to enjoy my company probably more than ever before ... because he's dreading that we might end up TALKING SERIOUSLY, too... and that is forbidden, cos it would tear down his fake world :(

[@ElectreMusings]

Tonight I'll be doing as Sensei says and will control my barely repressible urge to chase the man I was born to make happy and just patiently wait home... until maybe...

[@ElectreMusings]

Still nothing... Only 1h30 of anguish to go before his window for contacting me for the day is over...

[@ElectreMusings]

Not happening today... but the worst part is, Adam, that MAYBE if earlier I DID gather my guts and went against my vow NOT to call him because I want him to do things by himself/do not want him to feel "oppressed"... and DID call him earlier to ask him to come/REMIND him that he said he would....THEN MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE COME !!!! Cos nights like tonight, I feel like not being contacted is taken as an opportunity to... do what he does best : avoid !! In this case : the biggest risk in his life which he can't afford : being happy for the first time and only for himself...😢 The more stressed out and miserable he gets and the more avoidant he becomes, and he IS avoidance incarnate in the first place already ! This is awful to watch because I was here to help, and still am, 5 miserable years later and after I finally understood WHY he is so damn weird and how it even has a NAME and unique biological signature !! Amazing to have found you, Adam, thank you for your immense help

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you're dealing with a difficult situation. Hang in there and feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] for guidance and to discuss your situation privately

[@ElectreMusings]

@@AttachmentAdam, thank you for caring

[@jencooper8497]

Thanks!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your love and support!

[@peacefulfeminine]

Hi Alan, I would love to know if this course helps if he pulled away weeks ago and I let him first, usually my nervous system is regulated, but it took so long so I guess I started chasing as I was trying to get a conversation and clarity, which made him pull away even more, if not even completely. I don‘t know if it’s too late right now… Do you think this course makes sense here? Thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's never too late to work on yourself and your relationships. Seeking clarity and understanding is always valuable. Please reach out to me at [e-mail] so we can better discuss your situation and find the perfect solution!

[@joshkelnhofer5454]

Really enjoyed the cat analogy. I’m more of a dog person, but yeah it was good. I actually just had this happen to me last week. EX-GF was just finally, after 6 weeks willing to break our silent distance and we met briefly 2 days in a row for a quick 5-10 minute chat and a hug before she was heading out of state for vacation. Well my super excited, nervous, ever thinking brain got the best of me. I KNEW better than to follow her on Snapchat map because it’s so addicting, but I did. Then I would compare that to her patterns of being on other social media vs when she would respond or reach out to me. The gears got WAY out of control and convinced my gut that this wasn’t just a girls trip, it was to have a romantic getaway week with a new guy. I’m SO upset because this time it actually did drive her away into hiding and for good. Although even after calming down and days have passed, there are still things that don’t quite add up, in the end she is technically single and I WAY overreacted. I can’t tell if it’s my anxious brain convincing my gut, or if my gut is right and it triggered my anxious brain.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I understand your experience, and it's tough when emotions and thoughts spiral out of control that way. I encourage you to email me at [e-mail] so we can discuss this further and come up with a plan to manage and regulate your feelings to enjoy more fulfilling and secure connections.

[@StarOnTheWater]

Maybe just don't cling to avoidant people and find someone who actually wants a relationship instead.

[@austindudley2270]

Perhaps im wrong, but I don't quite understand this approach, if you love someone whos avoidant, you don't want to discard them because you don't see them as broken and easily discarded. You want to heal with them or atleast see if they're at a point where they're willing to put in the work to heal. They are the way they are because people have abandon them.

[@StarOnTheWater]

@@austindudley2270 You can't heal other people or make them change in any way. Loving someone does not mean it's a good idea to be in a relationship with them.

[@ndanother1]

I don't know if it's your looks, your voice, the confidence with which you talk, that you seem like a humorous guy to hang out with, or that what you say makes so much sense, but you are very attractive. Just wanted to point that out. 😅 Thanks for your videos and keep up the good work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's a fantastic compliment, thank you! I really appreciate you taking the time to share that. It means a lot to know my message is resonating and helping people. Thanks again for the support!

[@juxtaboo]

Two words: QUEEN SHYTTT 💯💯💯

[@01jvb]

Thank you for this Adam - but I think you need to change the title to make it clear it is about avoidant men. Now you need to do an equivalent video about avoidant women.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for sharing your perspective! Understanding attachment styles in both men and women is crucial indeed.

[@kristineb222]

How do you know if they are avoidant or they just aren't into you?

[@OlderWomenRock]

He left and is never coming back. I gave it my best . I stopped chasing after being Ghosted . We had one talk since due to my request ( a bit of pressure ) He couldn’t feel love , mind You He didn’t spend a lot of time with Me Somehow He decided early on He didn’t love Me He became convinced that probably wont change He used time and distance as an excuse He had many excuses Yet He knows He will most likely will not find the Woman He wants because I think He is unrealistic He basis too much on physical

[@sunbeam9222]

I went on a date the other day. We had lunch. No more than a couple of hours. 2 days later he texted me to explain how he enjoyed our time, how interesting and beautiful and blablabla I am but that he will never be able to love me 😂😂😂.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Take care of yourself during this time and if you ever need support, feel free to email me at [e-mail]

[@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572]

Adam, do you have thoughts or insights about avoidants who are also in their 20s (i.e., developmentally immature)?

[@ethosterros9430]

Whats this course about and how does it help me put money in my pocket?

[@EvaLynne]

More brilliant content. Question: My understanding is that a major component of inrtimatre human relationships is co-regulation. So, while rthe expectation when I am say engaging with my work colleagues is that we each self regulate, I would think witrh my intrimate partner that we would communicate in a more vulnerable space of co regulation of our emotion that involves listening with not only respect but with empathy and desire to connect emotionally. If my spouse has an avoidant attachment style is itr better then to engage as if he is a business partner instead??

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your insightful comment. Co-regulation is indeed a crucial aspect of intimate relationships, where empathy and emotional connection play key roles. Engaging with empathy and understanding can help bridge the gap and build a stronger connection. If you need guidance to build this connection, feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail].

[@EvaLynne]

@@AttachmentAdam Im all in. You are. rare find. Than k you for being here taking a bold stance against the alienation of those that are very misunderstood.

[@biancaleclerc4103]

Thank you Adam. Stopping the chasing helped both of us. It was stressful for me too. I have a question about giving affection to him. Because he didn’t respond to me giving affection, ex. Loving texts, well I adjusted to him and stopped. But didn’t feel myself. So I initiated again sending normal loving texts, and even though he is not reciprocating, he is not backing off. I feel better when I am being myself. I wait until he text me, then I answer in an affectionate way. How I survive is that I know he loves me, and I also know he can’t tell me for now. And I released my own pressure about this. He obviously loves me so why bother ?

[@kittervision]

Same thing with my guy I can tell him I love him it doesn't seem to freak him out I don't think I'm ever gonna hear it from him but when I question him on the matter he says well I called you didn't I or I drive an hour to come hang out with you... to him he does these things because he loves me and I have to keep that in mind that he wouldn't be around if he didn't want to be.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@bianca can u tell him that u miss him? Not sure how that will go over bc I can’t ask him if he misses me.

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@@kittervisioncan u tell him that u miss him? Not sure that I can bc it didn’t go over well when I asked if HE missed ME.

[@MadisonEstes]

I told myself that lie too and then my ex dropped me like a hot potato the first time we had a fight and I got emotional. Honestly he might love you but that is NOT healthy to never be able to say it and it's also possible he really doesn't love you. Sorry to say that. My ex let me say "I can't wait to see you" and "I miss you" all the time and he never said it back and I made excuses too but it turns out he actually didn't feel that way even if he did do the bare minimum to keep a relationship going.

[@nannyboo9832]

what exactly is “chasing”? Is it asking what’s wrong? I give my DA some space but I realize too much space makes us distant so I’m trying to understand the difference between leaning in VS chasing

[@AttachmentAdam]

"Chasing" often means repeatedly seeking reassurance or attention from your partner, especially when they pull away. "Leaning in" involves showing support and interest without overwhelming them. It’s about balance-giving space while also maintaining connection. Does this help?

[@user-ry3un3nv1d]

Do you have any advice to balance the chase and being supportive? I go deeply in despair when he pulls away and it makes it harder for me to want to get close. I expect him to pull away which makes me feel even more rejected and abandoned, sending me in a cycle of anger and shame. It's a cycle we deal with daily even though we try our best to communicate

[@Sporkwoman]

Can you talk about the phantom ex issue and how to deal with it? Unfortunately this is something I am dealing with with my now ex avoidant partner, he used the comparison of the supposed emotional bond he had with his ex-wife (who became very emotionally abusive) and 1st proper girlfriend (who cheated on him) 😅 for the reason why he's called things off with me despite saying he loves me (just not in the way he thinks he should) and yet never giving us the chance to really build any intimacy.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for the suggestion. I'll take it into consideration for future videos! Dealing with comparisons to past relationships can be tough. It's important to focus on building your own connection.

[@Sporkwoman]

@@AttachmentAdam I understand that but it's not really addressed for them in your videos either, and it's something they often don't even realise they're doing or why but it has effects on the current bonds they're trying make.

[@user-wr2oi8zw1k]

@@Sporkwoman in same boat. Mine kept blocking me with a wall because he was "cheated on" then pretty much did that to me to get back at her/his mom when all I offered was love. Such cruelty

[@tonyalee5257]

Is there a difference in the "chase" and staying connected. Example the chaos energy in the desperate need to be responded to vs the hey have not connected with you just wanted to say hi? I have done a lot of the first one and it created a big mistrust of me with him. We are trying to rebuild slowly but he has said multiple times why have you not called me?

[@ElectreMusings]

Very interesting question ! Same ! There's a LOT of differences/nuances in my chasing Vs attracting by just discreetly reminding him of my existence. But he's so wrecked avoidant than even a reminder from far away might end up being treated as "harassment" °_0

[@MadisonEstes]

Maybe you should set up a system if he calls on certain days and times and you call on other days and times. So it's not all on either one of you.

[@donniemchone]

Well I guess the one thing I've learned is apparently I'm not an avoidant person because anyone who stops chasing me will see me mirror that treatment and show that I have no interest at all for anyone who lacks enthusiasm for a relationship with me. If you're able to avoid me and not pursue me then that tells me you're not actually interested in me at all and honestly I can't imagine any person who would prefer chasing someone who isn't chasing them back

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's insightful that you've recognized this pattern in yourself. How do you usually communicate your needs and expectations in the earlier relationship stages?

[@donniemchone]

@@AttachmentAdam This is a great question and I guess the best way to answer it is when I'm comfortable I don't hold anything back so there's nothing that doesn't get said. Unfortunately I'm not big on repeating myself cuz childhood didn't allow for it so if I'm not heard actually just try to make the necessary changes for myself to deal with whatever it is. That's if it's just an inconvenience to me if there's a bigger picture issue I will continue to bring it up.

[@BethRouintree]

Is it possible, or normal or common, to be avoidant in one relationship and in the next anxious? Or in the case of seeming avoidant, was this just a complete lack of bonding and attachment in the first place?

[@Braddicus84]

Im new to watching this channel, and the advice seems great. But does it apply to avoidant women as well?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, the advice generally applies to avoidant women as well. The principles of understanding, communication, and addressing attachment styles are relevant regardless of gender. What specific challenges are you facing, and how can the advice be tailored to help with your situation?

[@karenfunk5143]

Oh my GOD. THANK U. I HAVE RUINED BUT CAN NOW FIX EVERYTHING. I HAD A FUNNY FEELING THAT I WAS MAKING IT SO EASY THAT YEAH IN AND OUT QUICKER THAN A FROGS TONGUE CATCHES THAT FLY. AND YES IT TOOK TIME TO SCREW IT UP SO IN TIME IT WILL MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD IN OUR LIFE AND IN OUR BED.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're most welcome. I'm happy to hear this video helped you find some clarity to pave the way for positive change with your partner. Which part stood out the most to you?

[@johnvega2871]

My wife and I have been married for 4 months. Im anxious (vascillator) & i think she's avoidant. She hasn't called in 45 days and won't reply to texts. E-mails are still a go. Do I wait it out entirely or construct an e-mail with self-regulation & speaking her language? Please help. Also, which course(s) could help my specific situation?

[@katherinesuazo5608]

what exactly is chasing? i was just confused & had a few questions that same week of the breakup but haven’t talked to him since. was that considered chasing to where i pushed him away?

[@Lil-Bit]

These keep popping up on my feed, ugh 😩 I don’t care, I don’t want avoidants in my life. Got a flame in my hand If you don’t want a fire step out of my light - Danzig

[@BecDraper]

How does neurodivergence change or align with these strategies?

[@cryptosolaris1217]

Adam! Could you provide guidance for us guys where our girl is the Avoidant? Specifically, the Anxious Avoidant and the guy is the Anxious Preoccupied! Thank you in advance.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, I encourage you to watch the video on my channel titled "How to Love an Avoidant Woman" and let me know if it helps. I also have a recent video titled 'Anxious and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships Explained' that could be helpful.

[@lalaurlalala]

My avoidant man is experiencing a death of a loved for the first time in his life. Obviously hes not asking for support and when asked, he's always "fine". Can you please give pointera on how to help through this time? I dont want to overwhelm him but i know how hard it is to lose someone and i want to help.

[@sumeraGQ]

My partner's dad died of stage 4 cancer. I hugged him sometimes and had to give him lots of space. He also said nothing or I'm fine. I'd help cook his meals and make breakfast.However he did act out, not come home, drink more, make rash decisions and was on edge. I had to understand him because I lost my parents as a kid too. It was hard like Adam says, you have to emotionally regulate.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I'd just give him the space he needs to grieve his own way. Let him know you're there if he needs anything.

[@dvegas]

Avoidant people in my life who experienced death of a loved one needed at least 1-2 years to even begin to process the loss. I had to provide tremendous amounts of space. Please take care of yourself and your needs. Lean on friends and hobbies to bring happiness. The avoidant will reach out for closeness when they are ready.

[@BalarihunNongrum-nx3sb]

Thank you for this advice

[@AttachmentAdam]

You are so welcome. Always happy to help!

[@bead_on_demand]

Happily married to an avoidant partner of 10+ years maybe because I share the same traits as him 😆. We may not enjoy that deep emotional bond like securely attached people get to experience but I am happy that we respect each other and give well needed space to each other which makes our marriage more easy going and less stressful most of the time. We rarely have a conflict on anything cuz we listen and support each other in whatever we want. We love each other "enough" to be hanging around and invest in each other.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It sounds like you and your partner have found a dynamic that works well for both of you, and that's wonderful! Would you say that's the most important factor in maintaining a happy and supportive marriage for over 10 years?

[@bead_on_demand]

@@AttachmentAdam I needed commitment in a form of taking care of something which we both share together and in my case that was our kid. Our kid has made our bond stronger and I feel that being a father makes him less of a robot that he used to be. I wish to raise an empathetic kid with him and grow our bond stronger as we grow old together. IA

[@TripleJJJ111JJJ]

I wish I had known this 20 years ago. He married someone else and she left him. Everyone got hurt.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've experienced. It's tough to look back and wish things had been different, but recognizing these patterns now can help you move forward with greater awareness and healthier relationships. How do you plan to use this new understanding to create more positive and fulfilling connections in the future?