Autism & Dating - Challenges, Strengths & Strategies Feat

On this video I'm joined by Claire from @WoodshedTheory to explore the topic of #autism and #dating. Plus, we share our personal lived experiences as #actuallyautistic people. #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike #loveonthesprectum #orionkelly
🚨 Check out Claire's channel: / woodshedtheory
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ABOUT ORION:
Orion Kelly is an #ActuallyAutistic vlogger (KZbinr), podcaster, radio host, actor, keynote speaker and Autistic advocate based in Australia. Orion is all about helping you increase your understanding, acceptance and appreciation of Autistic people.
#AutisticVoices #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #Autism #OrionKelly #ThatAutisticGuy #ASD
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⛔️*Disclaimer: The videos contained on this channel are for general education and entertainment purposes only and do not constitute professional advice. For professional advice and training seek assistance from a qualified provider. All views are my own and do not represent those of my employers or sponsors. Some images used are stock images.*⛔️
Related: autism, autism diagnosis, Orion Kelly, orionkelly, thatautisticguy, tiktok videos, autistic, autism in adults, autism in women, autism in men, autism spectrum condition, asd, autism spectrum disorder, aspergers, aspergers syndrome, autism in boys, autism in girls, dsm, dsm5, autistic adults, autistic kids, autism mom, autism parent, autism family, autism speaks, autism awareness, autism acceptance, autism at work, am I autistic, adult autism test, autism disclosure, autism therapy, autism prevention, autism meltdown, autistic burnout, autistic behavior, autism symptoms, autism traits, autistic signs, what autism feels like, love on the spectrum, stimming, echolalia, anxiety

[@MomontheSpectrum]

ughhh the truth bombs keep coming. The part about being so eloquent in our minds then when we get around people... not being able to communciate. Ughhhh so painfully true

[@malpaw2371]

I like to say that spoken language is just never going to be fully expressive of all the things I have to say. In my mind I can attach extra meaning or images to what Im thinking. When I actually talk I realize how lacking spoken language is when it comes to expressing everything I want

[@MomontheSpectrum]

Coming at things from the perspective of always seeing the best in other people and expecting they also have our own best interests in mind... wow. totally nailed this point, claire. I think to some I come across as naive for this reason. But yes I think you're right a lot of people in the autistic community are loyal and honest to a fault so it's very bizarre to get used to the fact that other non-autistic partners might not come at things from this same perspective. Like What other option is there?? It's totally confusing. great way to frame this complex dynamic

[@jennifergauthier3282]

Yes! 💗

[@michellelester243]

From benefit of the doubt to enough rope to hang themselves, ugh. Interestingly, as I (undiagnosed) have began to research autism spectrum it has collided with my special interest of anthropology/human evolution. I did 23andMe 5 years ago and the most interesting thing was my 4% Neanderthal DNA (higher than 90%) of the sampled population at that time. Now suddenly across my KZbin feed comes different research into autism and our Neanderthal ancestry. Neanderthal brains were not just larger in volume, especially the occipital bun, but the frontal lobe (center for emotions, personality, judgment, self-control, muscle control and movements, memory storage and more) has a much different shape/development and likely network connections. I do have a point, I'll get to it. The big take away I got from reading the book Sapiens was that Harari believes what set modern humans apart from our cousins was our ability to fabricate lies and gossip. Good read if you want the details. If there really is something to the theory that autism is a Neanderthal throwback it would explain not just why those on the spectrum are so honest and just expect the same from everyone else but why we struggle with emotion, personality and detection of intent.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

the point about the person you're dating becoming your special interest... great point Claire!

[@TommyBrum]

Really good convo. Relate to so much of it. I never had thought, in depth, about how my romantic interests become a special interest. That's an illuminating realization.

[@HermetteMelville]

Ohh k. So this whole conversation feels so validating. I always felt so weird and Ive never had a relationship work so I can't quite connect there, but I needed this. I feel like I can stop feeling shamed and unworthy now.

[@delphinebez3045]

I diagnosed myself a few weeks ago, and in every video, you guys are telling the story of my life... I am in my fifties, and a few years ago I actually APOLOGIZED to someone I'd loved a long time ago . Wrote that I'd realized I'd been inconsiderate. And said that I was sorry. And thank you... I had been dumped because I was too intense, I could not communicate, and would inflict those autistic shutdows that no one in their sane mind could understand. So far, I thought I was just young, inexperienced, and innocent in my behaviour. And yes, I was. But now I realise I actually apologised for being autistic. That, is a lot to process. I sense that we as 'high functioning' weirdos convey a certain charm. That intensity, a pure and open heart, and this mystery around us introverts. The charm breaks because it is too much, and disfunctional. MTo this day this letter remains unanswered. I have faith that God put us here for a reason.

[@yugoslava6409]

Wow. It is so amazing, that as a female, I can relate 100 % and more, to Orain' autistic traits. Late bloomer!!!!!! Not interested in boys regardless of peer pressure. Once I was interested I was so OCD with relationships. Long, long and long recovery time between relationships. The brake ups felt like the end of the world and led to sever shutdowns. And, I tell you why 2 autistic people don't make good match in the long term relation. This is my experience. Having the same weakness and disabilities make lots of resentment between couple as there is nobody to DO/MAKE UP for what leks. Firstly, executive ability!!!! Then keeping up with job preasure. Dealing with autistic child/children, living with burn outs at the same time and constantly. There is nobody to take over to easy situations like these and life becomes big BLAME GAME full of resentments and dessapointments. At the same time you grow frustrated as you feel and know deep down that that your partner is your soul mate. You get him/her and you relate to him but you don't understand why you can't make it WORK. Then, one life time later you learn about word AUTISAM that describes us to the T and once again you regret you didn't know about it 40 something years ago. Kudos to all the people who rise awareness about this quite and debilitating condition we live on daily basis. 🙏

[@ooweeeooweee8871]

Also, I would love to do a video like this. I am in my 30s and am "extremely" high functioning as my therapists/psychiatrists have said, but I absolutely SUCK at dating. I've never been in a relationship for more than a few months until the dude runs for the hills.

[@IaconDawnshire]

The last relationship I was in lasted only for six-months. This was roughly eight-years ago. >.>.

[@user-mp4dw8wp8l]

Date another autistic person. It worked for me

[@MSunhee]

I agree with dating another autistic person. We work and get each other so much better

[@taylorbee4010]

It’s the nonverbals and anxiety of them possibly leaving me with me usually

[@MomontheSpectrum]

"the funniest line I've heard in a youtube video" - that's a big compliment!!! So cool to learn about claire and her awesome channel

[@orionkelly]

Well aside from mine obviously

[@thuggie1]

the first date i went on was a month ago and i only managed that as on of my mates was getting wound up on how bad i was at the texting he coached me through how to word things i think it was triggering his ADD. but saying that it went well and he was into biology i love biology i know loads about loads about it i even went into quantum consciousness. then we ended up going to a book store and a museum i was having fun ended up lasting most the day. i think the biggest barrier to me was chatting someone up it is a headache for me. but the one thing my mate said i should not have has my sonic the hedgehog T shirt on, but i don't think they cared though.

[@dande_lion]

So, this extented period of grief after a relationship has ended and not being able to let go is (can be) because of autism? I certainly have this too and was partly ashamed of not being able to move on - like everyone else.

[@lindziep6319]

This is a good topic and I agree with her I had a good relationship with my boyfriend who has a mild autism coz we started in chat and we are Ldr for so long before we met in person so we already established trust and he became much comfortable with talking to me in person coz I remember our first video chat in Skype is he keeps on stuttering and since we do it frequently he started to lose the stutter and he became more talkative and comfortable in showing his love for me. Thanks for the added information regarding autism coz I really like him coz he treats me right than normal guys

[@SherriDicer]

Thank you for taking the time cover this subject. I REALLY struggle with finding a partner.....

[@whitneymason406]

I can really relate to being interested in boys really early. I used to write love letters to my first grade crush! 🤣 This was a really great video!

[@SuperGoose42]

I'm the polar opposite. I didn't understand attraction at all until I was like 20, I'm just now thinking about dating I blame the ADHD for delayed prefrontal cortex development lol

[@MSunhee]

I agree with so much of this. I feel like neurotypical people sound just nuts! Why bother dating someone without knowing their intentions from the getgo? Just to see what happens? That just sets a relationship up for failure. I’m glad I met my boyfriend who is autistic and we are just honest with each other.

[@MarkWhiley]

Hearing so much that resonates from my past 3 year relationship with my Autistic ex. His emerging understanding of being autistic with me being unaware and thinking he just didn't like me, mixed with past sexual and rejection trauma on my side being more present than I realised, and communication failure on both sides were key reasons why I was hurting. I often wish we'd both had therapy/life coaching to try different strategies to overcome our challenges because it probably would have been possible instead of me ending the relationship because I was scared I'd turn bitter in my unhappiness. We're still in touch to this day and slowly, with time and some distance setting, healing - or at least I am.

[@yourbore]

I've been told so many times that I'm intense. Too intense, chill out, calm down, it's not that serious. Why the hell am I like this?

[@JanainaBrognoli]

Hearing you to talking I started to wonder if there is a neurodivergent dating app, I think that would be interesting...

[@gigahorse1475]

There are some, but from what I’ve heard they are pretty terrible and filled with easily offended people who hate anyone who isn’t them. Plus, not many people on them.

[@gardenlove9742]

heartfelt thanks to both of you

[@kristind4593]

"My reality doesn't reach what's in my mind". Yes! I relate to all of this conversation. Wow.

[@MomontheSpectrum]

DC TALK REFERENCE!?!?!?! WHAT?!?!?! You're cooler than I thought Orion 😎

[@orionkelly]

Oh you have no idea 😆

[@LaylaTow]

4:24 I think I never gained interest on dating. Probably was on one date in my whole life (29 yo now). And it didn’t went good😂 we went to cinema but we decided to end date even before movie started we both were like “you know what I don’t feel that” but I appreciated that we chose to just be truthful instead of forcing ourselves.

[@user-xe1wu3os2j]

I've recently been diagnosed with ASD. Thank you very much for helping me at 45 to understand myself. It's been difficult at times so far, but not as difficult as navigating this world not knowing myself at all as my true self. God bless man

[@andy7666]

Sadly when we were kids autism wasn't even a thing. Didn't exist.. I suppose it's better late than never so you can at least identify your issues and the kind of groups that might help.

[@helion6884]

I'm with Orion at 15:25 but for the whole talk. Too much of this is hitting close to home and is going to need time to process

[@tjthegreates1]

I could listen to this over and over. THANK YOU.

[@user-gr7jo9qb3l]

As an autistic woman of color surrounded by White NT's, I didn't have a lot of choices. No one was interested in me bc they associated by odd behavior w my culture/race, calling it out, they were just racist. Whether it's race, culture or neurology, people just want to be w their own kind. I never thought about what I wanted bc I had no choices anyway. The only ones who showed interest used me sexually, financially, etc. I seem to only attract taken/married men who like my sexuality but never want to be seen in public w me, nor introduce me to friends/family. I did date one nice man, but I could not provide the validation he needed and did not understand the take-away dating games he wanted to play. I only met one ND man, but he was a sensory seeker and as an avoider, it wouldn't have worked. Now I have my own house and money, so I don't really need a relationship and will just use these users back. I would have advised my younger self to not get involved at all, focus on career early on, retire early.

[@whatthemask]

You guys, this is so relatable. I feel like you were describing my experience exactly, ESPECIALLY the intentional dating part...

[@orionkelly]

Have you checked out Claire’s channel yet?!

[@roxanes43]

So glad I found this conversation from two of the people I've learned so much from as a late identifying autistic adult. This answers many questions in dating. Thank you!!

[@kalonakitu]

I can relate to just about everything in this conversation sooooo much. Thank you for this video!

[@jeanjacket5206]

I thought it was interesting that my early dating experiences lined more closely with Orion, but my behavior (willingness to pretend to be interested in others in order to fit in) fit very closely with Clair. But I think that being lgbt+ and growing up in the midwest also delayed when I started feeling comfortable to date as well. Talking about dating with intention was startling to me. I never realized that was something I did. Ironically though the idea that dating needs to lead somewhere and have meaning (not that short term dating or one night stands aren’t meaningful, I just can’t think of a better descriptor word) gives me intense anxiety. The only time I felt truly comfortable in a relationship was when I was dating someone who was leaving to be in the military; because neither of us wanted to (or in their case was able) to be in a long distance relationship. Gonna have to reflect on why I pressure myself like that (or why my idea of dating with intention makes me stressed). I feel like dating apps and long distance could be a great solution to starting to date! But I often am bad at having timely responses or even checking messages. Wonder if people would think snail mail letters are romantic or just nutty? Lol I prefer writing.

[@christina7561]

Yes! Really related to the processing time needed and helping to avoid awkward or tense moments where I feel pressured to respond when I'm over-stimulated. This was such a helpful conversation!

[@cilegnadeerb]

Thank you for the video and the effort put in making it

[@nathalierivett4434]

Ok You guys are so wonderful to listen to 🎉❤ Thank you for what you do 😊 ! So this is SUCH A EYE 👁️ OPENING ‘dating an autistic person’ because it is new to me! This reality is SO unknown and I felt lost for a few weeks… I feel like I am having another awakening in falling in love, communicating from the heart and accepting someone completely different neurologically speaking YET so similar in some ways! My experience is surreal, most beautiful feelings I have ever felt and I am scared at the same time because I don’t want to hurt him and misunderstand is inner world! I believe we all are on the spectrum to a certain degree and that there is no separation! A fascinating journey for me that I want to cherish for eternity 🙏🏻✨🙌🏻

[@michelelovesbooks]

This is so relatable! Spot on!

[@hankiepankie5833]

What a great, eye-opening topic! Thank you to Claire at Woodshed Theory for sharing your channel.

[@LisaLGruman]

So helpful for my own relationship. Thank you both!

[@fraktaalimuoto]

Oh my! I didn't realise how familiar some of this stuff is. Especially about falling in love.

[@SilverMoonbeam2]

An every day conversation with me and my partner is me asking “what is your mood right now?” Then him asking me why and me explaining if I don’t ask I don’t know because all your body language looks the same 😂

[@jennifergauthier3282]

Excellent collab! 💗

[@joshuaschweingruber7607]

great points guys

[@GemmasJourneyGrace]

hey Orion fantastic collab with you and Claire very insightful

[@orionkelly]

Thanks Gemma.

[@MoonLiteNite]

the last bit was really nice to hear that others have that problem :*(

[@murrmurr2047]

💓 love this collaboration! would love to hear your take on the new show As We See It, as its received big network support.

[@LunarGlowMedia]

I noticed this as an aspiring content creator. Cuts are VERY noticeable if you don't change the perspective. If you zoom in a bit, the cut is not apparent. Such an effect is easy AF within Davince Resolve (Fuck if I know about after effects or even premier) in the edit page. You and Clair are two of my favorite people on youTube. Keep it up m8, cheers

[@orionkelly]

Thanks mate. I appreciate it. To be honest I’m going for the jump cut style. But totally get what you’re saying.

[@andrayellowpenguin]

OMG dating... The bane of my life... Between beeing "too intense" and "oversharing" and having serious issues about touch and seeing the red flags a mile off (because I've learned to spot them after getting hurt over and over again by people lying or just clearly not being involved)... I just gave up. I can't understand how people get into relationships when they don't talk about anything serious or share any values... Or how any woman can get into a relationship like that, and even have kids, without being certain you can count on your partner to be involved and take responsibility and be a good parent etc... In 99% of all the dating i did all those men were just extremely superficial and had super high expectations of availability and physical intimacy just because we had a couple of drinks together and talked about work or some other incredibly mondane meaningless topic. I can't imagine getting physical with anyone I don't intimately know and like as a person, but nobody's ever interested in getting to know each other, it's like "right, i like you from a very superficial pov so let's go f**/get married". Like the marriage at first sight thing. What?!??? That's not a relationship!!! Do you people even understand the meaning of the word?!? Made me feel like i was a total freak of nature for years. Thought there must be something seriously wrong with me since i never could get into any relationship. Then i eventually just decided that i can enjoy life just fine on my own and i am not willing to get into a relationship if I can't be myself and feel safe and like i share more than a bed with my partner. I've wondered if I'm asexual, i guess i must be demisexual at least, but I don't think i have any issue with sex, as long as the actual relationship is there! Every time I've felt physical attraction it was after knowing that person for months and really sharing how we think and our values and feeling like yeah, i can depend on this guy to be reliable and supportive and caring... But every time it just ended in a friendship. And every date I've had trying to meet new people with the objective of having a serious relationship ended just driving me nuts because everyone seems to go about things the other way around... Sex first, then maybe, just maybe, after some years of what i can only call sex buddies, maybe then we'll also start getting to know each other. That makes 0 sense.

[@stephanijeopdevelt5600]

For me, being on the spectrum and Dating hasn’t ever worked and doesn’t work. Besides a few short term attempts I’m single my whole life. I’m 52. I gave up dating entirely. I have a good life and cats. Who needs the struggle of maintaining a relationship being autistic. Not me 😅

[@neurodivergentNRG]

Omg don’t get me started about MAFS 😂 that show was anxiety provoking to the max! Every episode I was like why??!! Why do that? Why say that? The whole premise of the show was just mind boggling… like why take the piss out of getting “married”??!! Why don’t they just call it DAFS 😂 (Dating…)

[@orionkelly]

💯

[@anjachan]

I don´t even wanna date but I like Claire 🤣

[@cilegnadeerb]

The married thing Lmao that's me

[@Jenna.g.85]

Good job Claire and Orion. I’m in a long term relationship with a neurodivergent but we aren’t able to get legally married due to my financial situation. How do you afford to get married and a house if only one person works?

[@nathansmith-jk7cz]

Been made to feel insecure for not being an alpha macho male asshole or being seen as weird

[@blueviolets2022]

Wow, I do funny voices and goofy things, kind of imitating cartoons, I didn't know that was a form of stimming.

[@andy7666]

Controversial to some perhaps but I think the ladies definitely have it easier than men. The traditional role of approaching somebody is often something ASDudes can't get round whereas the ASdudettes will be asked out. I say that, but of course girls will have thier own challenges and issues, as we all do individually too. I don't know, I just feel women will have an advantage in meeting people neurodiverse or no..

[@JDMimeTHEFIRST]

The problem is that I date men as a woman and neurotypicals women have made neurotypical men expect that they don’t have to actually communicate clearly and they think women are supposed to be the ones to do all the work. I (as an autistic woman) will only give out the same energy that is put in. Men are used to neurotypical women giving them more than they put in and are shocked when I basically show them what they do to women. 🙄

[@andy7666]

My advice to younger men would be not to take stuff too seriously, have fun while you're young (travel, go to Uni), look after yourself, invest in your future and try not to get infatuated with girls. If opportunity arises, just go for it, every time! Don't hold put for some paramour who you aren't going to have any luck with, fill your boots while you can. Only til you meet a wife material girl, then settle down and have kids ASAP while striking a balance between work and family. Seriously, a normal boring life shared with someone, having kids is the best anyone can hope for IMO!

[@marcia2095]

Being “intense” seems to be “refreshing” since people nowadays are too superficial .

[@Ayme1285]

I wish a normal person had my hearing but no one ever will

[@Tcray430]

I dated a autistic with adhd, ocd, anxiety and depression. The relationship was exhausting and frustrating. We could not get in the same level with anything. Her mind just imagine thing that wasn't even happening. She just dosent understand common behavior. I was accused of cheating if I shaved. She is a very unstable woman. I would never do it again.

[@ML-cu6wt]

I’m dating an autistic man but he isn’t like you, he is very autistic and comes across as a bit slow in most things. Having worked with autistic children, I empathise with what dating could be like.

[@ooweeeooweee8871]

Oh my god, I did not know that they were not paid. I liked the show (but had some thing that I disliked), but I was confident that they were getting paid for this! Shameful!

[@barfgreenrulz]

My special interest is: autism 😂

[@rozaucja8612]

This channel is lacking the neurotypicalperspsctive. Most of us don't have ASD and struggle in relationships with those with ASD. It just seems very one-sided.

[@orionkelly]

Check out the two videos I did with my neurotypical wife on neurodiverse relationships.

[@tjthegreates1]

@@orionkellyI’m glad this comment is here. I dunno if I am ND or NT. But all the info is super helpful.

[@michellelester243]

How funny would it be to have Orion's wife and Claire's husband talk about dating them!

[@gillmoran2018]

[@neant2046]

This is so relievingly relatable… I thought I’m the only odd one out like this. Can sign up under every point raised. 🫂