Tips to Overcome Demand Avoidance for Autistic Adults

[@LWren-nr6ud]

During my autism assessment I said I thought I was good at remembering appointments because I write it down everywhere, then on the day I don't do anything except think about the appointment and have 3-4 alarms for me to leave on time.... they pointed out that that isn't how most people "remember" things 😅

[@angelareimann6433]

Sheesh. Same. Maybe I should get an assessment.

[@misspat7555]

@@angelareimann6433Could also be ADHD. The majority of autistic people also qualify for an ADHD diagnosis (including me and my daughter)! 🫠

[@whambalamb]

I have two cats and have an in home groomer visit every 5 weeks to do their nails and trim hair, I can't focus on much other than this appointment and I'm nervous even if I don't have to bring my cats anywhere. Cats are unpredictable and can be difficult to work with but I hired a professional and she helps immensely.

[@leahmartinez7200]

This makes so much sense. I’ve tried to explain to hubs that I NEED to have a paper calendar on the wall so I can write stuff down and see it for weeks on end to remember I have an appointment. He said “just set a reminder on your phone.” No sir. My brain does NOT work that way.

[@TigaFeva]

i do this too lol.

[@ShadoeLandman]

Basically, if I ever feel I’m being judged or there are expectations, it causes me a lot of anxiety. I don’t really even want positive feedback because it makes me feel judged. And I grew up being told how stupid and useless and helpless I was, no being screamed at, often with cursing and swearing added, so negative judgements are straight up traumatizing. Just leave me alone and ignore me most of the time. No one accepts that putting more pressure on me is counterproductive. No one. No one makes even the simplest accommodations. There is no one to help me with tasks that trigger breakdowns. I feel the world just threw me to the wolves. Even if I stand up for myself, nothing changes because no one is willing to make accommodations.

[@sabrinasetzler689]

❤

[@NightMystique13]

I had a very similar childhood-and I was on my own at 17. Sink or swim indeed.

[@leedegnan2040]

🥰 your tribe is here and hears you

[@JamesGodsal]

So relatable Shadoel. Can only send you ❤ like Sabrina, above

[@ranc1977]

"If you have been the scapegoat in a narcissistic family system, the concept of setting a boundary is laughable. You would be telling them exactly how to hurt you, and they would happily oblige. Also, trying to set a boundary in a calm and tactful way would be met by resistance in the form of mocking and ridicule, attempting to bait the scapegoat into anger, which would prove you are the problem." YT kingbee9778

[@kimsherlock8969]

I dislike gossip, bullying, harassment and discrimination I didn't fit into a Charity Store click , I was concentrated on working and improving the store with my art skills of Window dressing and didnt go out the back to bitch. I became the target for horrendous emotional bullying unnecessary and cruel sadistic abuse. I was an outsider and they destroyed my reputation with falsehood.

[@Sophie13.S]

I totally understand, same for me. I chose to be by myself which causes me to stand out even more.

[@Alticroo]

I can really relate to the resentment for falsehood

[@Lev-t2t]

My personal needs have not been met my entire life. Been in severe autistic burnout for three years.

[@Krista-388]

likewise. 10 months so far. I doubt i will ever go back to work, which i guess isnt terrible except that it was my entire identity lo

[@chloepekel]

I feel this. Its been 19 months for me. Every time I think I am feeling good and can go back to work I have a meltodown and start the whole process again 😅

[@homesteadgamer1257]

I hope you're doing better, now. I've been in burnout for over a year and a half, so far.

[@Lev-t2t]

@@homesteadgamer1257 some days are better than others, but overall still in a pretty bad burnout. Try to do early voting today but they had us waiting in a hallway. Had to leave after 2 minutes because of the noise. I'm never that sensitive when not in burnout.

[@EricasGlitchyLife]

@@Krista-388 same ❤️almost 12 months this in

[@ALittleSnowFairySaga]

The difference between being assertive and not coming across as an asshole still gets me every time.

[@FiguringItOut7]

Such a fine line. No wonder we can fall so often 🥴

[@PaulThronson]

I have found that no matter how much effort I put in being attentive and show concern, I'll still look not quite normal enough and occasionally be accused of being insincere. Sucks but practice makes perfect and I think I have gotten quite a bit better after 50 years :)

[@objectivityisourfriend9631]

Depending on the culture, people really can get their back up at plain directness. I'm ASD level one and with a Dutch partner because for those people, not being direct is inefficient, disrespectful, and just plain dumb. We get along famously. You can supersize the Dutch Directness if you want and go straight to Germany. I just got a dinner reservation response for our upcoming trip in Aachen, and the email had the get-out time on the reservation: 6pm - 7:15pm. I mean hey - I always stress at restaurants wondering if I'm overstaying and they need the table. The Germans set the boundaries and rules and take the stress out. Although I prefer the French way of lingering for hours over cheese and wine. Good god look at this ramble.

[@Eluderatnight]

I find between being labeled a weak autist and an @hole, being labled an @hole has a better outcome.

[@nancysmith8626]

ME TOO.

[@Franimus]

Fun fact: the astronaut mentality you described is the same for all aviation/pilots. We rely on checklists to no end, and pilots who skip their checklists are the ones you see on the evening news!

[@Emarie468]

I’m 24 and undiagnosed, but strongly suspect I’m autistic. Your videos have completely changed the way I view and treat myself, as well as deepened my understanding of why I am the way I am. I’m not sure when I’ll schedule an assessment, because a label isn’t that important to me. I’m also mildly traumatized by the field of psychiatry as a whole lol…But just watching your videos and using your tips and tricks has made me feel like a weight is off my shoulders. Thank you for doing what you do.

[@TheAutisticResearcherPA]

I agree! For myself, I did a few online assessments that were spot on. So just to know personally those did it for me as far as confirmation.

[@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandle]

Maybe a little thought piece to combat potential imposter syndrome: We (as a society) are used to "not labeling things" until proven otherwise. But if you think about the ableist, heteronormative, cisnormative (etc. etc.) implications and origins of this idea, you'll start to see that 1. This is not a lack of label at all, rather it is the assumed label of neurotypical, straight, cis etc. And 2. It is actually not as much of a safe bet to "not label" as we thought. For example if you think you are autistic, you probably are (self-diagnosis has been proven highly accurate). If you think you might be gay or bisexual, you probably are. And then, how safe is it to bet on being "unlabeled"? I have decided for myself that it is much safer for my life and mental health to assume autism and turning out to be neurotypical, than the other way around. It sounds ridiculous for me now to even entertain the possibility of being neurotypical, but there was a time when I could not believe I had autism. Mostly because I had no idea what it meant, but whatever. I was really hoping this reply would be shorter :')

[@nancyziegler5724]

I will be 69yoa on 6/29. undiagnosed. through watching Orions videos, I began to understand why I have been very different since I was very young. had problems learning in school, issues liking people & not trusting them. (that's another story). been bullied, etc. I digress... I understand Emarie468, I get it. I don't feel diagnosis is that important, as long as we have Orion we can & will SOLDIER ON! Self diagnosis is the way to go. not a bunch of red tape to go thru.

[@pokemonsonicgirl123]

​@@whathappenedtomyyoutubehandleCorection: self-diagnosis has been proven to be stupid.

[@NightMystique13]

At 58 I am pushing for a proper dx as I have other very comorbid conditions and my six kids are all ND. As a former nurse in long term care, having the correct diagnosis will ensure (hopefully) proper treatment in old age. Not being over medicated due to an incorrect dx with different types of mental health issues that come with old age.

[@PaulThronson]

Watching you have a meltdown over the cancelation fee - and recovering from it - was awesome. How many others can relate to this? I assume you must take a lot of time to script these examples because I believe they really help normalize behavior. If you are just winging this - you are simply amazing.

[@aliceh5289]

That was a meltdown??? Either I need to get an assessment or I need to stop watching dramatic KZbinrs (not referring to him) lol

[@ladybird169]

That was not anything like a meltdown, not even remotely close😮

[@mammajamma4959]

Again I just cry alot when I listen to you, because it is touching me so deep. I am 64, I have little hope of getting a Dx because I live in rural Alaska. I am sure my brothers were autistic (25,27th employees at Apple) My 2 sons Dx and I have realized since watching you that I am too. I am in that mourning stage. Thank you. This that you provide is what so many of us need. My youngest son still needs so much support, I am thankful I am retired (he is 27) and thank you for supporting me in my boundaries and my needs! Love you Orion, thank you.

[@misspat7555]

You are in good company, fellow autist! ❤️

[@NeuroSpicySheri]

I struggle with this term “demand”. From my perspective, the demand part of PDA for me is the demand for my focus and my spoons in the moment. Resistance is my brain saying, “we don’t have the energy and/or focus right now to direct toward this.”

[@ChantalM3]

That's a really interesting take. I'm going to think about this.

[@JaneHenry444]

Vibing with this

[@queenmotherbug]

Thank you for this video! There are so few resources with good tips for autistic adults who struggle with demand avoidance in daily life. It's like they think once you hit adulthood, suddenly it's no longer an issue. You give some excellent advice.

[@RainbowPyramid]

❤❤❤ even just going to an art class that I love ... for days before my brain is screaming NNNNOOOOOO ...I DON'T WANT TO GO. I go with my son and not letting him down gets me determined to go. I wish I didn't have anxiety chasing me for days before the art lesson

[@zacharywissinger3996]

“Life demands you eat meals” hits too hard.

[@andreabuntpercy]

I'm 75, newly diagnosed. I just came off a year and a half of dealing with finances, trying to get bills paid, not knowing what I was doing because my husband had always done them, but he had just died. It was brutal. I could not think, could not move, wondering when somebody was going to throw me into debtor's prison.Thank you for filling me in about what was happening. I thought I was going crazy.

[@nancyziegler5724]

that must have been horrific. so sorry.

[@misspat7555]

May you find some peace, fellow autistic widow. ❤️‍🩹

[@Fribbleton]

I lost my partner in April to a heart attack. We were together 17 years. Then one of my cats died. OMG you explained my year perfectly. I'm starting to get a grip on things but all of my routines that I was comfortable with have disappeared. I've been a mess. I see progress but it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. Here's to 2025 because 2024 has been the worst year of my life.

[@michaelz2484]

This is making me feel things I can barely comprehend because, I think .. maybe, the precision of how exactly ,this empathic , insightful and validating piece is hitting me, seems like a foreign feeling. Very few times, EVER, has another person called me out and validated me in such a helpful and familiar language ,to me This is kind of an amazing feeling. And now I'm self-conscious about tired banter being comprehendable

[@jasonuren3479]

Problem with writing it on a calendar or in a diary, is you have to look at the diary or calendar. This is hard for someone like me who never remembers. Reminders in my phone however, i don't have to remember anything, phone does it for me, therefore relieving the stress around worrying you're going to forget to check the diary/calendar. Believe me, i tried for 30 years. Edit: 700 oven mitts - spot on 😂😂😂

[@user-zu5um2vo4w]

Put the calendar on the door you exit out of the most at eye level so it is repeated everytime you walk through the door (back of bedroom door and/or front door) and goes into your subconscious. Not a fail safe but helps a lot (reduces forgetting)

[@jasonuren3479]

@@user-zu5um2vo4w Nope, tried the door thing. Trouble is most of the things I have to remember involves being in the house and I never shut internal doors. Actually did have one of those notice boards you write on with felt tip pen,, also had magnets to hold appointment letters etc Trouble with that was, forgot to look at it. It's 3 feet from my seat in the lounge. Phone is the only thing that works without fail

[@user-zu5um2vo4w]

@jasonuren3479 ok fair enough, doesn't work for everyone. Was just a suggestion. Maybe an Alexa or Google home type thing could work? Edit: my brain skipped the part where you said phone works for you 😅🤦‍♂️

[@jasonuren3479]

@@user-zu5um2vo4w No worries. That's the beauty of it though, it's trial and error. Like you say works for some. That's why I appreciate channels like this, someone always suggests something that makes me think 'hmm can I make that work?' that I might not have thought about. Cheers.

[@nancyziegler5724]

a calendar is my best way ~ that way I can look each morning & check what's going on for appx 2mos. I must know WAY ahead of time...

[@GraceBrooks-zy3ms]

As audhd parents who are working, going to school, managing our very needy home, financial stress, health, etc. the amount my partner and I can achieve does not keep pace with the expectations of life. Our to do list is done at the same pace that new tasks are added to it and it is incredibly overwhelming, soul crushing and suffocating. The necessary triage of tasks results in things falling into chaos which only exacerbates the stress. I respond to the overwhelm by going into shut down mode which is wildly unhelpful. I will accomplish 1-2 tasks/day but it's not enough, I lose my energy and find I can't keep up. I appreciate what you said about celebrating wins- I'm really bad at that. But doesn't change that it's not enough to actually get the list down to a manageable number of tasks.. love your videos thanks Orion.

[@jasyp8255]

I habe the same problem (audd too) it' so overwelming! I habe no one minute in peace for my self and the task are never done. It's like a emergency situation 24/7 all the time !!

[@misspat7555]

This married-mother of son-divorced-remarried-mother of daughter-widowed AuDHD-PI twice-exceptional lady sees and hears you. You can only do what you can do. You MUST cut down your to-do list to the bare essentials of survival and, of course, supporting your offspring. My primary tasks are; working job, obtaining food, preparing food, cleaning dishes, washing clothing, evacuating trash from home. Vacuuming is a rare occurrence. So is picking up the toys. The laundry is never all put away. I live out of laundry baskets. Important papers are tucked in a napkin holder; most of my monthly bills go on credit cards which can then be paid off all at once. Paying the rent and obtaining medications are my major monthly priorities. I started my daughter in summer activities before the school year ended, and that was a mistake. These few weeks of transition into summer are proving TOUGH! But we can survive and persevere; we must! One day, nay, one hour, at a time! 😤

[@kimrobinson6285]

I'm AuDHD as well, and felt every word you said. I feel so inadequate when others seem to accomplish things with ease. I feel like I never get time to relax, because there are always so many demands looming. It's soul-crushing.

[@Lev-t2t]

@@GraceBrooks-zy3ms create your own manageable expectations. What the rest of the world expects doesn't matter.

[@michaelz2484]

Thank you for your work I bow and nod to you from a safe distance with indirect eye contact-ish.

[@DocWho77]

You are such a gift Orion! You are helping me in having stronger relationship with my two autistic daughters. I have so many questions about how to be a better support to them. You have so many of the answers I'm searching for!!

[@MARCIA.ZZZZZZ]

Boy do I need this. Thank u❤

[@sourgreendolly7685]

It's so nice whenever I see parents, other family members, and friends that genuinely want to be there for their autistic loved ones in the comments of these videos! We're not all lucky enough to have a parent like you but it heals my inner child just little bit whenever I see it.

[@MARCIA.ZZZZZZ]

@@sourgreendolly7685 it is nice. I agree.

[@ShirleyM_Anne]

My mom passed at age 89 and although we weren't enemies I can see now how much she struggled to understand me... back then we were ignorant...

[@MARCIA.ZZZZZZ]

@@ShirleyM_Anne I can understand and relate.

[@まさしん-o8e]

Thanks for your videos! I have some comments from the perspective of an AuDHD person: - Digital calendars vs physical: Remembering to update the physical calendar is a big thing. For the digital one, tasks and events can be added automatically without your intervention, and even if you remember to look at it once in a long while, you get a good overview. I also have things set up such that I get a ding and a readout of the event when I get a calendar notification. I used to have it read the description too, but it got too easy to tune those out. You can't do that on a physical calendar. - Daily routine: I have never been able to form any habits, and as a result, I have never been able to build any routines. I don't have a daily/morning/evening routine to build off of, no matter what I've tried (and I've tried a lot). This doesn't feel good. - Timers, alarms, alerts to improve time management: You touched upon notification fatigue in your digital calendars section, but it's easy to dismiss them and not notice. I haven't found a good solution for specific times yet, but for the end of the day, I have everything on my phone and computer block. I can choose to disable it for 15 minutes at a time, but that hard interruption is very useful. I have also set it up so that e.g. if I'm working, I can't open timesink apps.

[@Flopsi80]

I have AuDHD, too. And I have a lot of routines. I do thinks exactly the same way every day, for example going to bed and after I wake up. I didn't make my routines on purpose, it came naturally because it's fitting my needs.

[@vulpixelful]

I'm not even autistic but this was a great outline of the bs we human beings put each other through for no reason 😔

[@Jenna.g.85]

I struggle knowing how to breaking tasks down. I definitely do better writing things out even though it’s a slower process that doesn’t fit in our fast paced world. Great video Orion

[@jennadee6761]

💯! It’s important to point out especially when we are in burnout or also have ADHD AND PDA, we cannot simply break tasks down, let alone communicate all the tasks without becoming dysregulated, overwhelmed or having a meltdown/shutdown.

[@misspat7555]

@@jennadee6761Ooh, yeah, I never allow myself to start to think of ALL the tasks! I focus on what is most critical, right now. Then break THAT down, if needed.

[@Jenna.g.85]

I have trouble identifying what the smaller steps to a task are

[@Beds98]

As an autistic adult who received diagnosis in my 20s, I am so grateful for this resource. So many things are tailored to children surrounding autistic resources. Thank you Orion, what you’re doing means a lot, is helpful and it’s important!

[@georgespiese7388]

It’s so very nice to talk to someone who expresses my same concerns so well. I feel less alone.

[@christamadock1034]

This is one of your best videos. As a mom of 2 diagnosed ASD sons (now adults) and my undiagnosed husband, your insight has been incredibly useful. Wish it had been available 25 years ago. Bless you for helping me and my son who watches you occasionally. You and this community are amazing! ❤

[@colournut]

Your videos are very good at explaining thing. I am not officially diagnosed as autistic. I am seeing a therapist and she has said after listening to all the problems and struggles i have she suspects i have some autistic traits. But to get officially diagnosed it's a 2 to 3 year waiting list. I first found you videos this year. It was the autistic burn out video. But after watching the autistic shut down video that describes what i went through recently. i had this shutdown 3 times in the last 5 years. I lost my voice for 5 and a half weeks.

[@bollweevil8112]

Who’s demands? Who’s expectations? Who’s responsibilities? “The single most important thing to a PDA individual is their autonomy; to decide things for themselves and be in complete control of what they do and where they are going. We need equality and fairness; it doesn't make sense in our brains why everyone isn't on the same level and to be treated and respected equally. Also, Taoism is validating

[@frequentlybrilliant]

"How about everyone just shuts up and does their job and gets the hell home?" LOL that was epic! That is literally how I think, made me have a great laugh!

[@BadMotivator66]

i'm not diagnosed but i find this bang-on. my best friend has been helping me practice saying phrases that allow me to stand by ground whilst knowing i'm not being rude (where i will definitely be fired as i am being mistreated at work)

[@cindymccafferty8346]

Write down everything that happens and date it. Also record it on your phone. This counts as a “hostile work environment” and possibly a suit for not providing accommodations for disabled people.

[@WilliamAlanPhoto]

This is an important one, like all the others. I have failed at office politics every time. I thought I knew it was happening, then suddenly, I'm not aware of it at all, and suddenly, I'm way behind on why everyone is blaming me for everything.

[@marypatterson7385]

The amount of insight and compassion that you are offering for me to give to myself is life changing. Thank you for all your content. ❤

[@tazyou11]

I would just add that as far as getting physical activity, there is Virtual Reality. I know it's good to get outside and get fresh air and the sun, but if for some reason you can't or really don't want to, then Virtual Reality can be great for exercise. I personally own a Meta Quest 3 and love music, so Beat Saber is fun. Also, Samba De Amigo, even if I dont dance well, this game gets your whole body moving. There is Walkabout mini golf, ForeVR Bowling, Fruit Ninja, different boxing simulators, specific apps for exercise, and meditation. Other relaxing apps or games are out there like Tetris Effect, Angry Birds VR, and Puzzling Places, where you make 3D puzzles. There are so many things to do in VR. Just want to say I really enjoy your content, Orion. I appreciate how you get your point across. Take care 🙂

[@NitFlickwick]

I’ve even had kindness and compassion showed to me, but I find it nearly impossible to provide it to myself.

[@Green_Roc]

4:55 Ever since the day I was born. A constant fight due to low knowledge of how to understand me. Constantly feeling like I'm forced to do stuff that goes against what is good for me. I'm exhausted.

[@Lutan_the_fey]

This was a wonderful video to watch, I think it is very helpful. Thank you. From my personal experience, it helps me to take time between activities. It takes a few minutes (and sometimes a lot more) to calm down and get my mind to let go of something and to even be ready to accept a new task. It is like a deathgrip I first have to loosen up. Another thing that helps me is to try not to force it but to convince myself. Instead of thinking about why I have to do something, I tell myself reasons of why I might want to do it, until something resonates.

[@blessed7927]

Practical Tips: 1. Prioritize self care and set boundaries. Ex: Schedule with your partner - regular alone time periods without your partner or any loved ones so they are part of the everyday calendar. Set boundaries in day to day. Empower yourself to decline social invitations when you are overwhelmed or disrugulated. Know you capacity in other words -more work or when being asked more workrAnything including work - setting boundary and saying Im not going to be able to meet this request/demand. 2. Advocate for yourself. Conflict stressful not your thing? Personal and educational or work related environments- ask for what you need. Accommodations. Learn what makes you thrive. Too busy workspace, vocal communications vs written. Personal sensory sensitivities. Triggers, light, noise, touch etc. What can you provide yourself to cope. 3. Practice firm calm assertive communication techniques. Calmly. Stay regulated. Be clear and calm. Changed plans? Move to someone else the changes to person that can handle changes last minute. 3. Overwhelm. Demand avoidance. Break down into small sub needs. Little projects not whole task. Large tasks -small steps. Astronaut mentality., 4. Visual Aids. See checklists calendars and notes. Paper may be better than digital. Write out and read vs phone alerts. 5. Audit your life and identify and eliminate unnecessary sources of stress or pressure. Capacity bills demands etc. Find stress and pressure and releive it. 6. Build support team or community. Whose your safe people or tribe or justice league. Validated accepted supported. 7. Lean into understanding the power of relaxation and mindfulness practices. Learn to help your body regulate by breathing etc. 8. Engage in stuff you love doing! 9 Daily routine schedule. You myst eat shower change clothes work etc. Breaks work shower etc. All help you thrive. Setting realistic goals. 10. Cant do everything - have realistic expectations for yourself. Break down goals. 11. Be kind and compassionate to yourselves. 🛑 criticism on self. 12. Sensory friendly activities. Walking on beach, musical instruments, hiking, art, craft, smelling,. 13. Time management. Stuck? Timers for event. 14 Physical activities. Sun touching skin, outdoors. Activity. Exercise. 15. Celebrate Wins. Be happy for positive thing you’ve done.

[@Chandra-hm2fw]

The workplace - This 1000% - I have agoraphobia from office dynamics that I am incapable of handling at all. This was so appreciated.

[@dayegilharno4988]

:) Glad you're still with us... I just watched the vid of your burn-out about a year ago, thought I might better check in. Man was that an eye opener! You sounded and looked exactly like I act out in my head on a daily basis, down to gestures, facial expressions, language and voice, while going stiff on the outside. I haven't been at home in myself for 50 years now, and what absolutely baffles me is how bloo'y obvious it is in hindsight, that 99% of my problems come from an entirely unresponsive and demanding environment that left me entirely confused about who I am until now. Thank You so much for your wisdom, compassion and courage to share this as an instructional video for someone like me who, struggles with allowing himself to believe what I, on some level, already knew for a long time and did not dare to explore!

[@JosipJasenović]

Neurotipical people have public warnings to avoid danger we are also entitled to have ours

[@amandamandamands]

The one that I really love /s with cancellations is if it is a NDIS service. NDIS guidelines are that you have to give 7 days notice otherwise they get a cancellation fee. Not all providers will say 7 days but enough of them do and the only reason they give is that it is because that is what the guidelines say. One of my providers has 24 hours because they understand that life happens and no one else anywhere has to give that long a notice period (love them and their approach to clients as a whole).

[@roxanes43]

I loved the astronaut analogy! And yes paper reminders in a central location saves me by helping my brain transition. I do still use a few phone alerts, like when I absolutely must start transitioning to bedtime routine. Thanks for another well thought out and helpful video!

[@jocarr1791]

Now, this was a great video. I was hesitant due to the length of the video, but it was well worth it, and it was what I needed to hear. Thank you.

[@amandamandamands]

I use the calendar on my phone, if it is a physical one I forget to look at it (never remembered to open my homework diary after school either). The way that mine is set up it has a widget on the home screen where the first 2 items are visible (it also shows any regional public holiday so sometimes it is things that aren't relevant) and I can scroll and see the next 2 weeks.

[@GoryPawz]

I find it so hard to accept this. All my life, I've tried to conform in ways that made me so uncomfortable. Then, when I try to explain why I react the way I do. It's seen as an excuse, or I'm seen as trying to never be wrong. Every time I do something, I hear gasps of fear, get wrongfully micro managed, or I'm accused of making a mistake before the end result. So I literally I have to do tasks when no one can acknowledge my existence. Then, because no one sees me, it's assumed all I do is sleep.

[@FlowerShopGirl8]

Time 22:50 you were speaking about the difference of childhood to adulthood regarding managing life stresses & demands. You said something like, 'childhood demands did not exceed our capacity to meet them'. I thoroughly, completely, totally appreciate your channel, perspective, info, help, care, etc. I hear this as it applies to the general population of Autistic children and Autistic adults. So, allow me to pop in a specific, personal comment which does not negate your truth. From birth as a 2nd born of 4, I was not wanted. It was stated frequently and demonstrated several times a day. By 15 years old I was running the household as the 'mom' to my siblings and 'wife' to my mother after our father chose to leave us. His departure was organized to intentionally place the 5 of us under the poverty level where we remained until I was 20 years old. I managed meal planning, A 'knife & fork" dinner better be ready for her to eat so she could get to work on time. I managed siblings' chores, homework, baths & bedtimes. I stayed up til 3 am waiting for her to come in for the night. etc., etc., etc. I managed college financial aid applications, college applications & every single stress & logistics of attending college away from home. I grew up to marry & have 4 children of my own. All of whom have children of their own. There have been tragedies and triumphs in my adult life. Each with their own load of stress. Some worse & some less than the 1st 20 years. Overall - my childhood - was equally or more stressful than my adulthood. In comparison, the load for a child, teen, young adult was truly the limit of my capacity. But, I can see how it extended my capacity so that I have the skills & therefore endurance for what came.

[@josephc5493]

Gotta tell you, this is your best video IMO. These are really helpful tips and I appreciate you putting them all together like this. I struggle with damn near all of these but particularly in being kind to myself. Seems like that should almost be #1 in many ways. Well done.

[@madazaboxofrogzz8884]

Orion I totally shut down 4 years ago 😢 slowly I'm coming out of it but it's slowly... Thank you so much for sharing what you know , I'm sharing ur videos everywhere 💎 Genuinely appreciate your openess & everyone watching please know u are needed & very special coz a beautiful light shines from inside you /us ❤ Love from Amanda in Blackpool England UK 🌍💎⚖️🦄🥳✨

[@Respectable_Username]

These sound more like general autistic triggers rather than specifically demand avoidance. Demand avoidance triggers are related to a loss of control. So the classic being asked to do something you were already planning on doing immediately removes all motivation for doing that thing. But also, somebody sending me an DM out of the blue to start a conversation, putting a "demand" on my time to interact with them which doesn't exist in group conversations. Making a booking at a restaurant now locking me into going to that particular place at that particular time, regardless of what I feel in the moment. Having a task as a core requirement of my job as opposed to something I choose to do to help out a colleague in the moment. Having a schedule/timetable, full stop, even one I created myself. _These_ are the demand avoidance triggers, at least the ones I experience. A noisy office isn't a _demand_ . That's sensory sensitivity. Demand avoidance is a response to imposition on your perceived freedoms, even an imposition you set yourself. Many PDAers like myself can look quite different to the stereotypical autistic presentation because of our dislike of _imposed_ structure, and can therefore be more easily missed. And of course general stress levels can contribute to how well we respond to demand triggers, so being triggered by other things will make it harder to control your reactions when triggered by a demand, but a demand trigger is something which, almost definitionally, can't be controlled as it the trigger is itself a _loss_ of control!

[@ranc1977]

I knew something is off here in this vid presentation, but I couldn't put it into words. Thank you!

[@CircaBEFORE]

Demand Avoidance shapes my life, always has.

[@Franimus]

Thanks for this video! I think coming up with a daily schedule will help me the most, it's also what my new counselor recommended.

[@kawag6356]

Thank you! I am having a really hard time with this right now. Much needed ❤

[@mrspeabody615]

This viedeo is so amazing! I can relate to so much of the strategies, though, i had to figure them out by myself over the course of years stumbling into adult life... For example this year i got a wall calender and my life is changed. I had multiple digital ones and tried many methods of getting in touch with and remembering plans that i mostly made myself. My brain developed a coping mechanism of panic bubbling up at random times quite frequently to make me go look if i had forgotten anything coming up. Now i can live so much calmer just glancing at the calender every now and then and visually see how the week or even month will play out and comfortably prepare my brain and adjust to it. Also just not going to social gatherings... part of becoming an adult for me was accepting that i just can't catch up with all the social demands. Some of my family might see me as that one girl that almost never shows up. But i came to a point where i am fine with it. I just AM that girl that never shows up, and thats okay, that doesnt make me a bad person or a failure.

[@qlue7881]

The beach is a sensory nightmare for me I cannot stand being out in the sun I need a canopy of leaves overhead to be outside

[@Hellenen]

Thanks you for your Videos .i'm struggeling at the Moment and i have to remind myself to take better care of myself

[@gadeyeye6268]

👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾💪🏾🙏🏾👍🏾 great video Orion. I appreciate your honesty and transparency.

[@callista5625]

Living w my narcissistic parent who is constantly invalidating, gaslighting, mocking, and triggering me for a reaction has made functioning feel near impossible. Its hard to care for myself, assert boundaries, and recognize my needs when im expected to function at the same level consistently. Im trapped in burnout, my mental health is deteriorating, and im still constantly pressured to do, do, do. I wish no contact w possible so i can actually focus on myself. This felt really validating, and im gonna try implementing these tips where i can

[@annap62407]

Going no-contact with my narcissistic mother has been the only way I can begin to heal but I can understand not being able to. I wasn’t until a few years ago when my hubs actually stood up to her for me & helped me to go no-contact. ETA when he stood up to her she was in my face yelling & gaslighting me. He had been outside & heard the whole situation & knew I was actually in the right

[@azazellon]

Do it, man. Exact same situation, emotionally abusive mother. Day in and day out things are expected of me that I just..can't...do, in a reasonable amount of time. I'm stressed out, burnt out and constantly angry. Either at myself or the environment around me.

[@RobAnthonyDire]

Workplace politics are RIDICULOUS!!!

[@gamineglass]

I don’t know how to tell if I am avoiding demands or I am simply burned out. I do know that I can’t seem to get anything done

[@BartzAJohnsonJr]

Your rants? SO VALID! Of course my PDA is weighing in, but CARRY ON Brother!

[@carolinefiorentini3233]

Really liked the spacewalk comparison !

[@colemangoughary]

Your content is always tops, pls continue doing this forever~~ My partner is autistic and this channel has been invaluable so many times over. Bless you 💜💜

[@mazzmuse]

This is one of my absolute favorite vids of yours. Hilarious, but also SO very helpful. Thank you! I'll be coming back to take notes (prob not, but I should) - I can see the tools here being game changers for me. Favorite moment: telling us it is unacceptable not to know what our triggers are. Hard truth, but EXACTLY RIGHT! Amen, brother. Thanks again.

[@michaelmacpherson-wm6mh]

I'm going to get to work on the things I need to get done today as soon as I watch this video.. maybe a few more videos, then definitely getting to work.

[@Sophie13.S]

Thank you, this was so eye opening. I have a new understanding and feel way more empowered than I used to be.

[@rashellewilcox2633]

Love u, Orion!! Just the way you are makes your podcast so special!!

[@MrXfyre]

A doctor advice to me before Autism was as common.... Weed and Beer! I actually loved that doctor. I was in my mid 30's at the time. 20 years ago.

[@MrXfyre]

I had to get rid of every friend... they were causing stress in me. And I could sense I was causing them stress.

[@nancyziegler5724]

This was a helpful video! thank you, a real eye opener. i can relate to most everything covered. its a very difficult world out there for us, needless to say. That cancellation fee BS is a scam, ha, i hate that. some things just can not be controlled.

[@ernestinegrace4593]

Very well said Orion 👍

[@natc.5940]

$5.99 to join my support group…. Dude, that is no joke. a lot of communities that look really good have exactly that. I mean, I get it that we need sources of income, but as a neurodivergent person with a head injury and no income it is terribly upsetting to find my access to people or groups that sound good to connect to are barred to me. Thank you for not impeding people that way!

[@lilflowerbud]

Thank you. This was really informative, and I had many. "Aha! Lightbulb!" Moments during this video.

[@alejandro-314]

As a teenager, I stopped wearing my watch because it triggered anxiety. I felt that my watch was demanding me to "seize the day" "don't be such a failure, so lazy" "other kids are in extracurricular activities and you expend your afternoon doing nothing"

[@laceyturner9905]

Oh my goodness thank you for your video on this topic. I’m an undiagnosed but believe I have high functioning autism. I have this thing that I do where I find myself tolerating a demanding person of authority in a work environment, but for a brief period and then I get a sense of dread for what demand or expectation am I going to not be able to meet and what conflict is going to arise because of it. So I stop answering their calls and procrastinate about going to work until I eventually have a day where I can’t make myself go, or talk to the person about not going, and end up ghosting them. Losing my job even if I really need it and everything will fall apart if I lose it. And the result is i freeze and I lose the job and don’t really have a socially acceptable excuse for it, or an understanding of why or what it is. Ultimately end up self loathing, in anxiety paralysis angry and depressed. I now see that I’m not alone and there is a name for it and it can be helped. Is such a relief.

[@casperssleepsalot1417]

Yes very hard to live n always pushed n in the end ,suffer n than enjoy . It’s like being on a one way highway without an exit .

[@jenniferrydquistmoultrie8503]

Thank you so much!👏

[@odiechan]

Having worked at a doctor’s office I can tell you the receptionists don’t like charging the cancellation fee, but it is there to make our jobs easier. If someone cancels (or moves their appointment) with less than 24hr notice we then have to start calling everyone to see if we can fill that spot. That said, often for unforeseen circumstances like a child being sick or a hospitalization, they can often waive the cancellation fee. If you ask to speak to the office manager they can sometimes waive the fee for you.

[@jojozepofthejungle2655]

the phone call to reschedule is my life with people period.

[@madamenordica]

Yep. At some point every job I've ever had has basically asked me to lie for them. Usually this resulted in me being fired. ps F WORKPLACE POLITICS - omg omg there is NOTHING I HATE WORSE!

[@Trinesmb]

This is so spot on, clear and validating. Thank you so much!!!

[@Franimus]

That bit about cancelation fees is crazy - in America here rescheduling to a later date and then calling back the next day to cancel is a very popular way to avoid the last-minute cancellation fee. I've never seen a fee here for last-minute rescheduling!

[@SPyoutube42069]

this is a fantastic video, so much reasonable and actionable information packed in here, very well distilled. thank you

[@parmdeepjagdev8395]

Thank you for this ❤🙏 I struggle with this on a daily basis. This video really spoke to me

[@sarahleony]

14:20 I find that really difficult because it clashes with alexithymia

[@rainerwahnsinn3265]

Haven't watched the video yet. I hope it is going to help me. I feel like Demand avoidance is ruining my life.

[@tims9434]

Thanks Orion for coving this subject. Its definitely an area I need to work on right now to build on like you say.

[@chosensomeonelse]

Some things were like you were talking to me directly, weird feeling as if I'd seen you in person. Just wanted to add that some things will be different with AuDHD - sometimes it's conflicting needs. Like schedules actually freak me out but I have task list journals which I file almost every day for last 4 years. Sometimes I can't though because from time to time for my ADHD it's like I have only tasks and it's like a prison cell, and it's boring, and I need to deny any structure. As if I had revolution inside my head. So have to be flexible with different approaches and sometimes nothing really works. It's exhausting.

[@technosatyr]

your understanding of PDA is profoundly different than mine. For me, at least, it's not about being out of mental spoons or being overwhelmed or anything like that. It's an immediate and unavoidable reaction to a perceived demand. Even when the demand is a desirable activity it still rears its head. I may lose capacity to navigate my PDA when I'm more exhausted, but it's not something that is or is not triggered based on the situation around me. It's ALWAYS triggered.

[@MirandaNewberry]

Thanks for telling me to do something... Now I extra don't have to. ❤😂🎉

[@katzenbekloppt_mf]

uff, that was a lot of information. good one, but a lot. I think I have to go back on this some other times. And we talked about You and the book in a german YT-livestream yesterday, Orion. Believe it or not, there was one guy who didn´t know You 😅

[@chrysamere7277]

I went through workplace bullying most of my life. I just thought i was a genuine asshole and not likeable. Now at 51 and realize i was undiagnised autistic/ adhd Its shocking now when i think of how then, that was allowed and not addressed..theres no way now i could see it happening to me again..id totally lose my shit and lose my shit..lol Im learning with your videos..its hard and scary..cause i see my relationships differently now..especially my bf of 9 years..i dont think he quit gets it..and i send him info to learn. I feel like i shud just be alone..its too much pressure.

[@juliadixon8465]

This issue asserts itself whenever paying bills, negotiating phone business/dealing with being placed on interminable hold, remembering and making appointments. As a consequence, I face garnishment.

[@sharonaumani8827]

Totally relate to the issues with a digital calendar. Now I have to keep up with both (sigh)!

[@שון-ו3ז]

thanks for the video man, you are the man

[@henriquegasques]

Great video, thanks!

[@kalonakitu]

Thank you so much for this video 💜

[@dmi4942]

Oh dear god, triggered to overwhelm tears just by the thought of acknowledging successes, at my age (54). And I'm not even sure what emotion the tears are expressing!

[@sarahleony]

Really good video! Got my thinkies going

[@paolinabd3567]

So good ❤️ Thank you!

[@marthamurphy7940]

I even avoid demands I make on myself!

[@etcwhatever]

Yessss

[@Catlily5]

I especially avoid the demands I make on myself!

[@RainbowUnicornPotato]

Self care and mindfulness have been the largest help for me. Another great video!!

[@resourcedragon]

Oh, the assessments and evaluations and KPIs! I am nervous every time they come around. At the moment, I am also supposed to be doing some training on the new system they are introducing. I'm really feeling the demand avoidance with that. For one thing, my bullshit meter is going off and for another, it's still all about a process that I am not comfortable with. And, for those who are wondering, over the years I've had assessments that say I'm everything from crap through to astonishingly good. But I managed to get into trouble over the one that said I was astonishingly good, anyway! There was some paperwork that I should have been given but which I wasn't and which got lost over the Christmas break and so I think the person who had decided I was crap thought I had somehow found a way to log into the system as someone else and give myself the high rating or something.