Autism & Social Isolation

Lmao another deep one I couldn't stay serious for sorry
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[@fideovilm8448]

I have a new therapist (she's also autistic) who says the problem a lot of us autistics have is that our brains need isolation to recover from/prepare for social stuff, but our bodies need connection to other people. She talks about how certain chemicals are only released through in-person social contact and that they're essential for wellbeing. It's really helped me understand why I became so horribly depressed living on my own during lockdown. Thank you for your videos Dana, I always enjoy your take on whatever random topic it is! 💫

[@michaezell4607]

I recently started with a new case manager/therapist myself and really like working with her compared to my previous one as she's far more hands on with her approach to actually getting things done on my behalf. Social interactions are indeed physically and emotionally draining for those of us on the spectrum....just remembering to make eye contact with others is difficult alone as trying to read non verbal signals take a lot of mental energy let alone trying to decipher those signals. Of course the social isolation that our brains demand goes against our hardwired desire for social interaction and that's where depression sets in and becomes at times overwhelming. Sure anti depressant medication can help regulate symptoms but unfortunately it cannot correct the circumstances that are triggering the depression in the first place as that is something that we ourselves must try to do. One thing I've found frustrating about this is that there are next to no program ser vices,at least in my area for adults on the spectrum.

[@eonyma]

If you don't talk with people regularly, they will leave you. But communicating regularly is so difficult for me 😒 I want to have stable relationships with friends, but I'm unable to sustain such relationships

[@brooke_reiverrose2949]

Incredibly timely. I’ve finally accepted my therapist is right. I’m depressed because I’m lonely.

[@DanaAndersen]

It happens to the best of us! Once you know what the issue is, it’s much easier to start trying to work on it 💕

[@gmlpc7132]

As you mentioned it's so annoying when people say "go and make some friends" or "go out and meet people" as if it's the easiest thing. it would be like saying to someone in poverty "just go and make some money". Another good point you make is that even when you connect with someone they may prefer to do different things such as going out to a pub or club when you prefer to socialise at home or in a quiet place. Often the commonest way someone tries to spark a friendship (or romantic relationship) is by suggesting "Do you want to go for a drink?" - fine for some people but not for those who don't like alcohol or going to pubs or clubs, Making friends gets even harder with age as so many other people by then are already in relationships, often with kids, and they tend to be too busy to make new friendships or prefer to socialise with other couples / parents. Autistic people don't have the same need for friends as neurotypicals but that doesn't mean they don't suffer from having few or no friends. Often it seems a case of making the most of life alone but life alone is harder than life with others.

[@NightNekomata]

9:33 omg yesss! It freakin sucks. Part of having trauma/being autistic is that your waiting for the other shoe to drop and never able to just RELAX. It FREAKIN SUCKS

[@monsterslayers1444]

Every video I watch of yours you explain a paradox that has only ever existed (from my perspective) in my own head, my own silent world. I've always been so confused with myself how I wish for friendship, seek it out, hate it and like it, but then push it away or get betrayed and in the end, alone, I feel relief. I just carry on assuming that 100% isolation is what I want and is what is best for me and because of this I have not spoken to or interacted with anyone outside of my family since well before I graduated high school in 2021. And now, yet I haven't received a single psychological diagnosis in my life, I've surely sunk to my deepest point in my life-long (undiagnosed) depression. Obviously this is due to the social isolation, but how do I connect with people or find them, and why bother? Thank you for allowing me to connect with you Dana (even if it's literally a one-sided connection 😅).

[@michaezell4607]

@monsterslayers1444: Do you have any resources in your area that might be able to help you in locating activity groups for people on the spectrum? If you have a case manager/therapist then perhaps he/she may be able to come up with some available resources for you in which you'll be able to meet people and make friends with them that way? There's a vocational program in my area that's run by the county's community services board which I'd been participating in since 2015 but had to hold back on attending since the pandemic but I'm just now taking steps to rejoin said program again and really look forward to starting there once again hopefully sometime really soon.

[@heathertaylor850]

I have the same problem,my one best friend I've known for years is always working and has problems looking after her own daughter who has had serious mental health problems . My family is small and my mum is 77 my sister in her 50s my dad died years ago ,my brother killed himself,but mental illness and autism is in my family on my mum's side of the family as I think both my mum and uncle who is 80 have some degree of autism. I'm 40 and my world is getting smaller.

[@daviniarobbins9298]

I been pretty much self isolating myself all my life. I have had the odd friend from time to time though. The thing is what tends to happen is I either end up driving them away or I just drift away from them(if that makes sense). Mind you now that I look back on my life so far I wonder if the friends I had in the past were really my friends. I think maybes they were all one sided, me to them. They were never there when I needed them but if they needed my help I was always there for them. Am happy with being alone, kind of used to it but I would love some company. The only problem is I tend to be clingy and needy and that drives them away when there is someone who gets close. I guess this is because once I have someone I am scared of losing them and desperately trying not to be alone again. Of course I end up being alone again. Guess that is the autism in me. I given up on having a friend and a lover. And now I find out my dad has cancer and I might be having to deal with the prospect of really being alone soon with no family support at all for the rest of my life. I have no family other than my dad. I was hoping for at least another 10 years but it doesn't look to be. Am not ready to be all alone.

[@jilllondon261]

I hope you are doing ok, Davinia

[@LuckyL0ki]

i really needed this video today. i’m currently isolating due to not trusting others, and feeling a “me vs them” mentality about society. i hope i can sift through the hoards of neurotypical cishet people to find some autistic and queer friends soon.

[@DanaAndersen]

Sometimes a lil bit of isolation time is necessary, but I hope you are able to find some good people to be friends with soon!

[@charlenechan8189]

i was feeling especially isolated today and really needed this to feel less alone, so thank you! relatable and heartfelt video as always :)

[@shadowfox933]

One thing that's helped me is to search for existing groups of people that participate in an activity that you like. In my case, I found a climbing gym to go to. To be fair, I haven't made any actual friends doing it, but I have made several friendly acquaintances. At the end of the day, we're still autistic, but at least having that can make it easier get that bare minimum of necessary human interaction to avoid going insane

[@taoist32]

I do the same. I spend 2 hours at the gym and have talked to a few people. One is a younger guy who is a trainer, another is a member who has several disabilities.

[@DanaAndersen]

During the summer I became a regular at a local coffee shop, the workers definitely weren’t my friends, but just having that brief, friendly interaction most days did so much for me! You’re much more likely to make friends in a gym of some sort than a coffee shop though 😅

[@michaezell4607]

@@DanaAndersen The locals who used to work at my nearby starbucks knew me so well they'd see me coming and have my favorite drink ready for me. Unfortunately the old guard have moved on and now there's a new crop of employees there to "train" in terms of getting my favorite beverage made just how I like it.

[@michaezell4607]

@@yippee89 If you're an adult then from a legal standpoint you should be able to leave the house whenever you choose as well as to interact with whomever you choose.

[@tj4234]

2:40 this is actually the primary reason I disclose my autism going into a relationship. As I've had so many experiences of my friendships and relationships falling apart whilst growing up and me not understanding why,

[@BipolarCourage]

I have definitely become more isolated socially with stress & trauma (PTSD disgnosis) & worsening mental health issues (bipolar disorder diagnosis). I don't mind being alone most of the time as keep busy with some projects. I connect online with topics of interest. You are right about "echo chambers". One of the big issues is online communities can be welcoming at first then can reject & punish those who express a different point of view. This can be harmful for socially isolated people who rely on online connections.

[@anonpsude281]

Extremely relatable.

[@nadiastar6264]

It's not a choice, it's a defense mechanism.

[@deesparklebazinga9374]

I class myself as a hermit! I go through months of doing too much while in constant fight and flight. Then crash every time the weather gets colder for winter. I've now been hibernating since covid lockdown and the lack of social contact definitely effects my mood in a negative way. I'm slowly trying to go out more to groups etc, but it's been a slow process!!! Sending positive vibes x

[@nadiastar6264]

Never trust anyone EVER. The minute you let your guard down you will get fucked over again.

[@matthewbaer7871]

I'm easily manipulated in relationships also. And I'm fully aware it's going on. It makes me hate myself

[@SkyfullofStardust]

I guess I am one of those people you are worried about. I would like to say that I am fine and you really don't need to worry, but I don't lie, and that would be a big lie indeed. I have tried so many times throughout my life but I have never been able to make a real connection, a close mutual relationship, with anyone. My parents were/are abusive, so that makes things even worse. I face the same struggels you do. I simply cannot go to parties etc. and I don't enjoy many things people do for fun and generally am very "different". I have things I love to do and want to do with others but most people just find them weird. So the only place I get to meet new people is through Uni. And so far there I have had no luck. The only relationship I seem to be able to get is one out of pity. Because of my past and because I am so lonely. And I don't know, but in some ways that feels even worse than having none at all. Sometimes I feel unloveable. I have so much love to give but somehow I am too weird and broken for anyone to see that. And yes. I've realized that my support needs are much higher than I thought. I just always disregard(ed) them because I had to because I had no one to help me. It feels like I am in constant burnout. I would need help with doing chores, cooking, grocery shopping and such. I feel like I fail to feed myself more times than not. But most of all the loneliness is truly crippling. The isolation. Feeling like an absolute alien on the wrong planet. Having no one to share certain things with. Doing things together. Inspiring each other. Being there for each other. But somehow I can't have that. And I am tired of getting hurt trying to search for it. Some real connection. Honestly, I feel like giving up. Sorry, I really don't want you to worry. I am so happy for you that you have found great friends, really :) I guess my hyperempathy is good for that at least :D :) Thank you for making this video. And thinking about people like me, it really means a lot.

[@burnt_meadow5209]

I genuinely understand feeling this way. In fact, I always try to make close friends at college, but I always come off as weird and off tone. It's like speaking to through soundproof glass with some people. That bo matter how hard I try they will only see my weirdness on the surface and never how much love I'm willing to share. Anyways, I hope your days are well and that one day you will meet someone you can connect with.

[@NightNekomata]

Definitely feel this a lot. My roommate was out with friends today and posting about it, and all I was thinking was "why not me"? You're not alone. This shit is crippling

[@RickyStaines]

Great video, Dana! Social rejection can be so difficult and painful, it's little wonder so many autistics stay indoors and indulge in our interests. I'm not sure if you're aware, but 'Aucademy' run a series of weekly closed social groups for autistic people, which are really affirming and accessible. They also have an excellent KZbin channel.

[@heathermalone]

Hi Dana, I love your open and honest reflections! I also think we need more accessible support networks for autistic people, and for a lot of us, I think we need someone else to make those introductions or organise things for us, because of our communication difficulties/traumas/anxieties/executive function issues... It is very easy to just default to isolation, especially when you're dealing with so many things already; for me, making friends is just too stressful and complicated. Saying that, I do have some really awesome friends, but we rarely meet up because everyone lives so far apart. For me, the element of travel is also a barrier, and I've moved house quite a lot, so all my friends live in different places and I physically can't get to them. I'm fortunate that I'm very introverted and actually very happy being on my own, engaging with my special interests. I share my art and I have some great online communities I am a part of. So I'm ok. But, like you say, sometimes I do turn around and realise I am living in my own little bubble, and I feel very detached from the outside world. I need a lot of alone time in order to function & self-regulate. But I also realise, if I isolate too much, it makes it harder to go out and socialise when I need or want to, because I'm so out of practice, on top of the autistic thing! I used to go out and sit in cafes, just to people-watch and absorb the social ambience without feeling pressured to participate, but I've stopped doing that since the pandemic. It's important to feel safe in the places we go out to. The concept of 'self-isolation' became kind of mainstream due to covid, but now it seems like everyone's forgotten about it, and those of us who are still isolating have slipped through the cracks. Not sure what to do about it, but it is an important issue and good to talk about!

[@michaezell4607]

I SO wish there were more social opportunities for adults on the spectrum here where I'm at.

[@t.a.4356]

Don't you all see how neurotypical therapists gaslight us into their own weaknesses?

[@i3ignorantidelweb43]

I didn’t have therapists telling me to make friends but my own father: I’m somebody who cries alone, struggles alone and doesn’t seek for help. So much my dad has to get near me (he already discovered i have mental health issues) and make me so many questions (most i can’t verbalise because of my feelings, yeee alexitimia) but eventually he gets to me saying something and sometimes i would say that i felt lonely (i’m putting it really simply now) and my dad was like “you have little social experience and you isolate a lot. You should try to seek more people and interact and attend circles about the things you really like” (meaning my special interests which are obvious at home). Yeah as I don’t observe people everyday and notice every detail and still have no f///ing clue how to interact and respond to people and when i do I’m awkward as f///

[@user-ww5si8vm4o]

The best way I have found to make friends, is to give yourself some time to get your bearings. Like, you can go to some clun without the intention of talking to anyone. Just listen and learn a bit about how people tick. You'll still feel isolated, but it's a step outside.

[@Ashy-Korn]

Thanks for sharing your experience with us Dana

[@daianerangelkennedy]

Dear dana, thank you for share. With love, Daiane from São Paulo / Brazil

[@BigBrosFilms]

My Dad passed away in 2021 and then a year later I got diagnosed as autistic and the combination of those 2 things made me lose my entire family and most of my friends. I live in the south where people heavily discriminate against autistic people I was also told "I didn't pray enough" and that's why my Dad died of cancer it was my fault apparently? I am just really suffering right now because I desperately need people in my life but I have no idea what to do. It feels like nowadays you can't meet anyone online or in person. It's weird to approach people in public or randomly message new people. I just feel really screwed and I just feel like giving up. I don't know how to find a solution to this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[@Petertwohig1948]

Thanks Dana. I would love to have a friend to share my life with, yet I do not want to socialise (because the psychic pressure would, I fear, be too much for me) or join a club where I might meet someone (because of the small talk, and because of women on the prowl etc). I've been burnt. It's a dilemma I consider constantly.

[@solenej7023]

Heya, great topic Dana. I need to catch up with your vids cos I’ve been isolating digitally 😅🤦‍♀️ Isolating is a big fucking twat of a battle for me, particularly atm. I have my husband and cat at home but socially i find it really hard. I find it easy ish to make friends but never the right people, okay never is not the right word, but rarely. I am forcing myself to get out twice a week to go to a drop in at a women’s charity and 18months in it still leads to shutdowns and I am making myself go because the volunteers are really lovely, and I’m happy with it being because it’s their job, I find that easier than friendship. I find it hard being picked up and put down by people, I understand WHY, lol, but man it fucking sucks and it just makes me not want to talk to anyone other than those whose job it is to talk to me. 42 years old now and I won’t rule out long term friendship, I just need to not let those inner demons destroy the chances. Thanks for covering this. And good luck with the move. Moving is a twat but also good 😅

[@deesparklebazinga9374]

Yeh I'm concerned about my parents passing as I will be totally isolated. I'm battling/being pressured to get driving again but it terrifies me and the main issue is stopping smoking bud and tobacco which I've survived all through covid with. If I dont drive I will be housebound so I'm panicking!!

[@NightNekomata]

I isolated myself heavily during high school. I refused to have any kind of social connection for about the first year and a half because of the shit I went through during middle school. Long story short, the ppl I thought were my friend turned out to be a bunch of backstabbers, so I rlly needed time to recover. Toward the end of hs, i started to try making friends, but it just seemed to end with ppl just losing interest and ghosting me. I'm in my last year of undergrad now, and I'm still going thru the same problem. I feel like things are going great, and then the person just ceases communication. Idk if it's me or them, but it's so freakin annoying. I feel myself wanting to isolate again cuz I just don't have the time and energy to put into ppl that don't put that energy back. It's sucking so hard.

[@TrevorMakes]

Floor gang!

[@neridafarrer4633]

I don’t have friends at the moment. I have family and I talk to some if them and I have support workers. Actually that's not true I have one friend and that has made a world of difference. Oh and my one friend is also autistic.

[@janvier0104]

I don't really have a choice. I live in a rural area and there just isn't anyone around. It sucks and I wish I could afford to live where there is actually people and things to do.

[@world_still_spins]

Rural would be peaceful for me.

[@PinkPoo]

Wow youre so quirky