I Have a Big Mouth | AUTISM + RUDENESS

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[@imautisticnowwhat]

I really dislike being fake. I think that’s why I struggle with female friendships. You never know where you truly stand 😫

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

Yes, I feel like 95% of the time I just get a run-around when females want to be my friend. They often wait until our friendship is strong, and that's when they reveal their true intentions with me; after using up the majority of my energy being there for them, where I get to the brink of burnout, and that's what I get in return.

[@dianebeall8982]

That explains why I had more male friends. Females friends had too much drama.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@dianebeall8982 And being around females who start acting loud and obnoxious when they are around guys.

[@jameegrace4918]

Yes!!! Guys are far more authentic in general and usually straight forward compared to most women. I have far more women friends now than in the past. I hung out with the boys when I was growing up.

[@mairalaurence8283]

Yes...and ita not like some stereotypical thing(fEmAle cAuse MoRE drama...etc etc) but 95% of time this is true no matter how many times i mask my autism and try to become more funny or acceptable they always leave me in the end😢

[@lorrainephonsavanh1393]

My strategy to not speak bluntly is to try to keep my mouth shut. This backfires because I can only hold in my opinion for so long and then when I let it out, it is worse than it would have been if I had not tried. Not diagnosed, but definitely on the spectrum. Many in my family are obviously ASD.

[@jrbp33]

For me making a lie is just such a difficult thing to keep up with and requires way more energy and anxiety than its worth

[@bmiller949]

It is why Mr. Spock was my hero in the second grade. He was wired like me.

[@TheWhalenP]

I felt this viscerally! When I “burn a bridge” I always think about the fact that it takes more than one person to BUILD a bridge. It’s not impossible to rebuild a relationship once truth is spoken. If people can communicate well enough to heal the relationship, then the bridge can be rebuilt. Love you Olivia! Thank you for your continued honesty!

[@wmasspokemom7530]

My daughter is autistic and before she was diagnosed I used to joke with people when she said something rude that we were working on her filter. Now that we understand I no longer apologize I just explain why she can seem blunt if its someone who is close to us

[@eleseclarke6038]

I'm Autistic and I'm constantly told I'm rude lol and now I just tell people I can't help it I don't mean to sound rude I can seem erupt and that it is I no longer apologise but I do prewarn folk lol x

[@distantplaces6560]

Just wanted to be the first to say “Thank You”. It’s not that us autistic types are necessarily rude, were just saying what needs to be said. The lack of the same openness amongst the neurotypical causes them embarrassment and they counter that by saying that we’re rude. The problem is with neurotypical self deception not with the neurodivergent.

[@lizstokes9091]

Well said. Too bad we can't get them to understand that last sentence!!

[@lv9265]

Other people have a right to be upset. I say this as an autistic who can also be blunt and hurtful. Pretty much every comment here implies that we should be allowed to be hurtful to others because they are neurotypical and they just don't get it. That's just cruel.

[@jdmmg4904]

@@lv9265 I'm not sure that this is what is meant here. For me personally I prefer a conversation (in both directions) that is honest and can be blunt. Even if I might be hurt when the other person is blunt towards me. I don't say I'm happy when someone is hurt or they should just get over it. But for me it's still the best, most honest and beautiful way to communicate and connect with people. So for me being hurt maybe is just something that doesn't need to be avoided at all costs.

[@lv9265]

@@jdmmg4904 I guess I don't get blunt for the sake of bluntness. And also there's a way to be honest without being unnecessarily rude. I guess nuance is needed in conversations like these.

[@ArtsyMegz_On_Etsy]

@@lv9265 No, it isn't okay if we're rude; but neurotypicals get praised for bullying others or being rude. That's what angers me.

[@keen8271]

I am autistic, but I am also an empath. I like to say that currently I am a "disordered empath" and am WAY TOO empathetic, to the point of destroying my own life for someone else. The phrase I love about the way I am is "setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm." I still cannot make myself understand why someone feels the way they do, but I can always know WHAT they are feeling. Just not WHY they feel the way they do, if that makes sense. My husband calls it my superpower, but I hate it tbh. It's difficult to separate my own emotions from everyone else's. Am I angry, or is it the other person who is angry and I am empath-ing too hard? That is usually the case.

[@nightyew2160]

It helps to know that this is possible. I also don't like for anyone to suffer. I like your phrase. It illustrates it perfectly.

[@DanniBby]

This is called hyperempathy

[@Chihuahualover1765]

Routine meditation and grounding to help build boundaries. Takes practice, but works, for me at least. Lots of lavender scents help, too.💜

[@wmasspokemom7530]

Burning bridges …serious this just helped me make sense of my daughters struggle to maintain friendships…thank you for sharing its really helping me get a better understanding of my daughter so I can support her.

[@stevendorsey4850]

5:48 -- I hate when you send a text message to someone, and they instantly start calling you. LIke, _"What the $#&@ do you have to say to me that you couldn't compose into a message?"_

[@ThanksHermione]

Others might bury things under the rug because they fear the consequences of discussing problems with people. This can lead to further dysfunction, including resentment. Sometimes people might admire you for having the courage to do what they didn't. Let's try to do it in a loving way instead of a harsh one though. Easier said than done. "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

[@tanyapepper7320]

My daughter (16) has just been diagnosed and the more I understand about autism the more I see it in her Dad(he’s not diagnosed ) Definitely black and white thinking and telling it exactly how it is to the point of being rude. He finally makes sense after all these years to me!! Understanding is definitely the key to acceptance for all ❤thank you Olivia for this video x

[@hollycondict7920]

Two things: not all autistic people lack empathy; that is a terrible and harmful stereotype. Also, not all autistic people are thick skinned and not easily hurt. My personality type is extremely empathetic when I understand people's feelings. I just misunderstand when people purposely hide their feelings or substitute a different behavior for their feelings, such as acting angry when they are truly sad. My experience of constant rejection, criticism, and insults growing up has made me extremely sensitive and easily hurt.

[@OliviaHops]

I’m well aware of both of those things. I have never said in any of my videos that either thing is true for all autistic people, which is obvious since we’re all different. I talk about my OWN experiences on my OWN channel, and those two things are true for me. So don’t discredit my experiences. Not everyone is like you either!

[@lizstokes9091]

I've done a lot of learning over the last few decades, and I can't help but notice that an unusual amount of Aspie's have dysfunctional families. Myself included. Perhaps we're just here to shake them up 🤣 The irony in the whole thing is hilarious. They judge our meltdowns as "wrong/bad", but look how easily they have a meltdown simply by hearing the truth and they don't consider that reaction to be "wrong/bad". Sad that the truth has that affect. Don't worry, by the time you get to my age, you'll just say "f them all" and keep on doin your own thing 😁

[@spiritualityandscience]

You don't understand. It's not about to say truth but about brain development problem. You don't have empathy or you don't really understand the situation, that it is. Your answer for me is something like "Cars paint giraffes in the smoking kljsdfasdfasf" Do you understand? I think not. You don't realise you dont understand, that is it. If you were more humble then may be you could understand what we mean.

[@lizstokes9091]

@@spiritualityandscience I definitely don't understand your reply. I don't go out of my way or mean to hurt anyone's feelings when I speak the truth. I experience empathy on an extreme scale due to the dysfunctional alcoholics I was raised by, "feeling the room" is a self defense mechanism. A way for me to determine if they were going to parent that day or if us kids were on our own. Using my comment as an example, when I try to communicate how their behaviour affects me, they have a meltdown and gaslight me. Olivia's experience reminds me of the same bizarre family dysfunction that I experience. Basically that no matter what, they're always right and I'm always wrong. Does that make more sense? I know I'm not always clear, but I'm afraid if I elaborate in comments, I'd write a novel instead of a comment LOL But trust me, I didn't mean to upset you or anyone else 😥

[@spiritualityandscience]

@@lizstokes9091 Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your comment. I definitely understand what you mean. It's all about communication and misunderstandings I feel. You autistic people communicate differently and the non autistic people (I'm speaking only about the smart one) communicate differently. May be it would be convenient and good if we had sat down together and if we had spoken about different perceptions of the world. I can see that here meet two different worlds and there is a lot of patience needed and to not to hurt deliberately each other. I think mutual understanding is needed for the comprehension.

[@corbenhavener7531]

That’s just one profile. Then there’s those of us who are uncomfortable with conflict. It can lead to chronic people pleasing in interactions which can be an exhausting mask. Bridges aren’t burned but they are neglected. Not all autistic people are the same though, that’s for sure.

[@relentlessrhythm2774]

I'm the same way. I'm terrified of conflicts because I am slow when it comes to comebacks and responses.

[@mableleaf2445]

Thanks for this comment! I still seeking an official Diagnosis if I am autistic but I often have the fear I may be not because some things just don't fit in me but seem to fit on most autistic people. The bluntness is one of them. I can relate so much to what you said I am very scared of conflicts and fights and do everything top avoid them and say what everyone wants to hear because I have the feeling I can not be loved If I don't do it. I work hard on not doing this anymore because it ist not healthy and I do learnt to Love myself but now I rather say nothing at all. Wich is not the best way either but I take small steps 😅 And if there is caused a conflict my Mind just get completely blank and I can't argue back because there are no words anymore. Thanks for youre words!

[@picture-you]

Yeah, this is me. As a result I’ve been “lucky” enough to not be constantly told I’m rude by most people. I grew up hiding my opinions and feelings a lot because I was taught to do so, and was always incredibly afraid of confrontation. Major people-pleaser, and have CPTSD from multiple traumas. At 30 I’m now a lot better about learning to be more comfortable speaking my mind, being direct, and not being afraid to stand up for myself and tell people how I really feel.

[@ToaOnichu]

This is me as well, though I can also be perfectly blunt (sometimes/often without realizing why people would take offense until after the fact). Heck, recently I coined a term that describes some of those moments: on-point savagery.

[@thejuanderful]

I often get wrongly accused of blaming everyone which confuses me when I am just stating verifiable facts and how they are affecting me. I have trouble with adding the right context which means I am misunderstood a lot and people wrongly think I intended something rude. They've done studies and autistics are less likely to lie for personal gain. I believe in kindness and brutal honesty, so I wish I didn't have to, but if needed I lie to protect myself from harm.

[@RockPile_]

It doesn’t matter if you intended to be rude: you were dude

[@thejuanderful]

@@RockPile_ classic! You misunderstood what I wrote. I wasn't rude, I was misunderstood. Instead of getting clarification they falsely accuse me of trying to be rude. Big difference.

[@RockPile_]

@@thejuanderful no, I understood you. I’m only saying that you can be rude without intending to be

[@EMILYHERRERA]

I disagree with only one thing: my issue isn't understanding anything, it's that I just don't usually care. My tolerance for BS isn't very high, so. How I mitigate this in my later years is I limit contact with people in general, and especially with people who trigger me. I don't need any help to burn a bridge with someone who's abusive or toxic for me, so. I have struggled with this throughout my life, but I'm to the point where I've gotten rid of most negativity as it concerns my personal relationships with people. I don't think I can tolerate that type of turmoil and discord within my close relationships-- truly, I have tried several times. I am all about honesty and being real. I'm not surprised when that is a problem for a person. Concurrently, I have a problem with people who are full of sh!t, and refuse to address the BS. And yes, it is very black and white overall, though I am capable of nuance and seeing gray. It wasn't until I got older that I learned to walk away because my words and energy aren't always necessary or desired (by either party.) Walking away, literally and metaphorically, has made things more peaceful. Why do people dance around the truth? Cowards. It's not complex. Ain't got time for that. 😆 And exactly, I'm already tired all the time.

[@nightyew2160]

Huh. I agree it's better to walk away if you can, but I have gotten flack for walking away. Have you ever gotten the kind of person who just won't leave you alone, even though you are trying to walk away because you know neither of you are going to change?

[@EMILYHERRERA]

@@nightyew2160 absolutely! That's such a narcissistic trait. And yes, I've lost me shat on people as well. Those who continue to advance forward,despite you putting up firm boundaries, have it coming should they hear about themselves. I have little tolerance for boundary stompers, and if they don't want to hear about themselves, they should respect boundaries, which also includes walking away. People like that remind me of lil yappy dogs trying to bite your feet. Those types of situations are definitely ones I'm most likely to set on fire, then blow it up again for good measure. 🤷‍♀️ It's just the way I am. I tried to be different for a long time, but acceptance of who I am has only increased my contentment. My boundaries are to keep myself safe; they're not so much to fit into social norms (I don't agree with a lot of social norms anyhow.)

[@EMILYHERRERA]

@@nightyew2160 also, the feeling I get mostly from reading your reply is manipulation. As in, someone is manipulative and not respecting your peace & needs. It could even be emotional abuse, depending on the relationship. Relationships are so complex, the role a person plays can definitely influence how you handle it. I speak to that in general though because I don't connect with people who aren't good for me, family relation or not, and I don't think that's the norm.

[@Lee-ic2yn]

Here's the thing though People are talking about "awareness" is if people who are not autistic are supposed to care about the very people who.... Don't care about anyone else's feelings 😂

[@brianmeen2158]

@@EMILYHERRERA. “And yes, I’ve lost me shat on people” lol care to describe these occurrences? I hope you didn’t yell too loudly 😉 I’ve had similar run ins and now I just avoid those people . Not worth the energy

[@DH-ow1qp]

I literally had a shutdown today at work, because I got in trouble for being honest. I kept saying I don't get it. When you said, well it is the other people that get drug in that is the issue. It was a light bulb moment. I was like oh I made their life harder. Although, I am not that sorry just sorry I made the people I didn't intend to hurt hurt. Makes sense thank u. Quote for you "may the bridges I burn light the way". Thank you for posting. It helps me a lot.

[@DanniBby]

Not saying the truth is what makes our lives harder though so it’s like either we appease them while being uncomfortable or we prioritize our own well being. It’s weird tbh how it seems being honest is what we need and it would hurt us to not be yet for others they can live with lies

[@judyi.7015]

I have done that, as well. (Speaking my truth). It's expected that we speak in a proper manner when they are really pissing us off. It seems so patronizing. I stand behind you 100% Especially since you & Orion were the two who helped me realize I am definitely on the spectrum. Blessings to you & many thanks!!

[@Brittney1986]

The badassery of saying what needs to be said is awesome. 😂 I see it as being a good friend, and I wish I had friends that were as honest as I am. It’s how we grow, right?! I loved this one, (actually have loved them all) thank you for your work and explaining these things so well. I plan to send them to people (if the need arises) so I’m more understood.

[@Jessica-fd5lc]

I have a habit of burning bridges too. My dad tried to make me stop this habit and never succeeded. Then years later after I moved away from home, my dad burned the bridge between us for unrelated reasons. He's such a hypocrite.

[@leosthrivwithautism]

Fellow Autistic Creator here! Thank you for this informative video! I share several similarities with what you described. Great video!

[@leosthrivwithautism]

By the way you earned my subscription! Keep creating amazing videos! 😃

[@susanhenderson5001]

I've been told I'm about as tactful as a nuclear bomb. I've had to learn that what I believe is true may be true for me aka my truth...but not necessarily true for somebody else and definitely not necessarily a universal truth. I've had to learn to ask myself.."Does what I'm about to say need to be said at all? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said by me?" I don't always succeed, but it has helped to back off from hurting others I don't want to hurt unnecessarily. My being "right" is often times, for me, less important than the value of preserving a relationship by figuring out an appropriate time or place to express that thought...if it absolutely needs to be said.

[@nightyew2160]

If something has to be decided, how do you come to an agreement if each person's truth is only relative?

[@susanhenderson5001]

@@nightyew2160 Sometimes you don't. More often than not for me, right now with the people I keep in my life, there is respect for difference of opinions/viewpoints and compromise can be reached.

[@aspennichols6174]

I am a young woman with ADHD, and I genuinely believe that I have undiagnosed autism, but I'm afraid that because I am already diagnosed with ADHD that people are going to say that I'm faking it for attention because of mental disorders but its not like that at all.

[@francescadominique3943]

I'm always told I am too blunt and need to think before I speak. I usually do really hard 😕 and it's something I have observed the person do over and over again. So yes, I know how you feel. I just got diagnosed with Autism this past summer, but I knew already that I was.

[@sheagoff6009]

I constantly get in trouble for saying something inappropriate at an inappropriate time and for being rude. I don’t mean to do it but I do. I try so hard to be polite and think before I speak but it’s so hard. Most of the time I just vomit out whatever comes to my mind without thinking if it’s appropriate to say.

[@SheerMagnetismDarling007]

Olivia , I’m so glad that you have a supportive man in your life

[@GummyBear1972]

Oh yes, very relatable. I have always been the sentinel watching over my loved ones and standing up for justice and what I think is right. I always found some bravery whenever I saw anything going on that I thought was wrong. Sometimes, yes, there is fallout. I'm also a bridge-burner because once I decide someone is not going to be compatible with me, and it's going to irk me for the rest of my life to try to get along with that person, I just "break up" with them and become estranged. I have done this with each and every one of my 3 good friends from high school, because we all went our separate ways and became vastly different people. Why hang onto something that's no longer there? I never look back on these decisions, either. It's always the best thing, no matter how difficult things may have been during the situation. There have always been women at my various jobs who decided they hated me for reasons I could not fathom. One recent one was acting awful to me - very unprofessional - and she actually said that I'm "fake" which flabbergasted me because all I am is super-honest with people, like all the time? So much so that I have trouble pretending for fun, according to my husband. It started (as far as I know) because I noticed she was ignoring me. I greeted her and everyone around her one morning and she didn't say anything. I decided to go back and tell her I'm getting a "vibe" from her that something's wrong and wanted to invite her to open up about it, so I could address it. I realized I put her on the spot, so I told her to come talk to me when she's ready. Apparently that blew open the gates and she decided I was enemy #1. She gossiped about me and turned others against me in her little clique. She was downright rude to me at the office. She disregarded our work interactions. One day she freaked out and looked right at me while spewing vitriol, right there in front of everyone in the office! I was shocked. I still don't know what her problem with me was, other than her accusation of me being fake. I pity her if she doesn't know what genuine people are like. This experience of bullying went on for a very long time. My boss and HR didn't do much and just let me suffer through it with mild awareness. I'm a bit bitter about how it was handled, but in the end, I'm still employed there and she is not, so :P!!! Frankly, we're all better off without her. She was no prize for our team. She was obviously very immature and never cared about the work. Anyway, yeah, big mouth, bluntly honest, crusader for justice, and bridge-burner - that's definitely me.

[@Jamesgregorykulp1985]

I definitely understand being blunt and honest. And saying exactly what is on my mind and not sugar coating my words. And coming off as being rude even though I don't understand that things that I say might come off as being rude. I am 37 years old. And I am a male. And I am on the Autism spectrum I have PDD-NOS and I am a disabled person. My family has told me things that I say are rude. And I didn't understand I was being rude.

[@keny7269]

Hi, I do not have ASD myself, but I have several people around me that are on the spectrum. Even some people in very close family. Something I find very hard in relation to this video is why she, or other people with ASD does not regret being honest and thereby rude in some situations. Quite often I find people around me with ASD identifying «their» truth and thereafter they apply their truth on me. For instance the other day I was told by my current boss (who has ASD) that I am very bad at communication. However I have very good data on that being wrong, its just that she doesnt understand me (sounds funny, but I have actually gone to great lengths to verify/falsify this). How do I tell her that she is wrong? When people without ASD «dance around» the truth, sometimes it is because we know that we can not be 100% sure about something. So to invite the other participant into the work of finding the right solution, it gives better cooperative results if we «dance around» first. I have seen arguments between people with ASD where they clearly are not reading each other correctly, and when both are being «stubborn» about their version of the truth, then neither are able to give advice that helps the other. They just go Home and think that they delivered «the truth».

[@spiritualityandscience]

@@keny7269 Perfect, I totally agree. You hit the nail on the head. Perfect exact answer.

[@picture-you]

@@spiritualityandscience Autism does not actually inherently affect intelligence. If it did, it’d be written as part of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. It only will if a person happens to have an accompanying, comorbid intellectual disability that has also been clinically diagnosed. Otherwise, what you neurotypical people view in us as a “lack of intelligence” is simply us thinking and doing in different way or manner than you. It has nothing to do with intelligence. A lot of us on the spectrum are incredibly gifted and very knowledgeable about many things. You can think we’re the only ones more likely to be “rude,” but it’s rude in and of itself, and frankly a bit egotistical for lack of better wording, to assume autistic people are not as intelligent just because we solve problems in a different way. We often come to the same conclusions about a lot of things, our process of figuring things out is just slightly different. This has nothing to do with intelligence at all, regardless of how your brain decides to analyze us. Neurotypical conclusions and opinions of how autistic people think is often quite far off the mark, simply because you cannot ever know what it’s like to be autistic. I don’t necessarily understand why you kindly state that it isn’t right to call autistic people stupid (you are obviously correct on that) but then go on to say that we have “unbalanced intelligence.” That hurts just as much as people telling us to our faces that we are stupid. Saying that we have brain damage is a bit rude as well, and not even proven by science. The biggest thing to remember when you’re neurotypical is that if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met *one* autistic person. In other words, everyone on the spectrum has completely different strengths and weaknesses, just like neurotypicals do. No two autistic people think and operate the same, just like everyone on the planet. We’re really not as different from you as you believe so. It’s just a disorder. And it’s also a complete myth that all autistic people lack empathy. Many of us actually feel we have an overwhelming abundance of it, including myself. I personally was never the type of autistic person who constantly spoke their mind and said very blunt things. I was the opposite and often way too afraid to be honest and blunt about how I felt about other people, even if they were mean to me in the first place. Some of us were unfortunately molded to become people-pleasers, and have CPTSD as a result.

[@spiritualityandscience]

​ @mallory may ​ Thank you for the explanation. Now I'm feeling you're neurotypical and I'm autistic. I didn't understand but you explained it to me. Thank you. (I'm neurotypical but I've had this feeling as we were swapped) I don't want and I didn't want to hurt. Sorry if you felt it like this. I didn't mean it like it sounded to you. You're able to communicate that means you understand the meaning of the communication and the communication helps to change things and it can explain many misunderstandings between your and my world. I can see in your answer you take some things literally and I meant something slightly differently. It means that some groups of worlds have different meaning in our world and autistic people have difficulties to understand these situations. So it means autistic people don't have developed this part of the brain for decoding of these groups of words or for some situations that are apparent to neurotypical people. But you can communicate @mallory may so it means you will have happy life IMO because you can understand the differences and you're able to explain or to solve misunderstandings between my world and your world. We neurotypical we are NOT pleasers. Maybe it's perceived from autistic side so. It's misunderstanding that we're pleasers. I admire you. And to me you're pretty girl ❤. Thank you for posting your videos🥰. I know that autistic people may have many gifts and could be geniuses in some many areas. 😀

[@Lee-ic2yn]

The fact that you made this comment shows that you do understand the things that you say are rude

[@yugoslava6409]

The same here!!!! "Honesty sets you free" quote must have been born in the mind of the autistic person. I simply can't understand why saying the truth can be hurtful in anyway to anyone ?!?!?!?!?! Having said so, I don't mean that it is ok to tell rude things about people's looks, bodily imperfections, or commenting directly one's bad hear style. No, no, no !!!! That is never OK! But, I will never agree that bulling, manipulation, insults or any kind of abuse should be accepted even if it comes from the place of the power or high authority. Yes, I have been numerous times in hot water for being frank and unbiased at work, at home, in the company of strangers but... I wouldn't and I couldn't do it any other way. I call it integrity. If integrity is autustic trait only, I thank God I was born autistic. Integrity gives me peace if mind. I wouldn't mind that people appreciate me for it, but I will always take criticism, disapproval and loss for saying the truth, rather then get promoted or get accepted because I say right things, to right people at the right time. I know exactly what is expected of me, but I wouldn't do it that way anyway. For this treat, I am proudly autistic. By the way, great video from you, again!!!! 🙌👌❤️🙏

[@4-a-e]

Can totally relate to the burning bridges bit.

[@zachsmith9127]

This is the story of my life Olivia.

[@CS-rb4qi]

I’d like to see a video with the recipients’ view of your so-called brutal honesty.

[@deerfeeder2076]

The 'burning bridges' comment, funny cuz I get it, Ugh. Peace.

[@VeronicaSm282]

I always stand up for my family, and they should be spoken up for. Your place or not, those people have gotten away with not hearing the truth for too long. They need more self reflection.

[@arielsolt5997]

omg YES the bridge-burning - thank you for bringing that up in particular!! I never suspected that aspect of my life and my inability to maintain most relationships could've been attributed to my autism. gives me a lot of clarity.

[@idadamgaard4351]

I think it's possible to be honest without being brutal, and that could be something to strive for. In some situations being kindly honest is good, of course not the type of scenarios you describe. But then sometimes non-autistic people take pure honesty as being brutal when it's just straight forward. I've learned to soften my messages without being less honest, because it's frustrating to just have people wall you off (unless it's a relief because they're toxic), so I have strategies to try and yield better results with the communicatively impaired who cannot handle direct communication 😅

[@RickyMaveety]

I’ve always been told I have no social filter.

[@tdsollog]

This is incredibly relatable. You’re not alone.

[@sammylangford8858]

I’m Autistic and I have a habit of telling people exactly what I think of them which has cost me a lot of friends over the years. Like an example of this is, I had this friend who offered to give me one of her puppies because my dog had just died at the time and it was all cool I was preparing for this new puppy in my life then the next time I spoke to this friend she had changed her mind and decided she was keeping it. So I called her 2 faced. Anyway I didn’t speak to her for like 12 months. Then when I started talking to her again it turns out she had to get rid of that puppy due to her housing circumstances which made me even more mad. So now we barely speak. I may have been harsh but I felt she was taking advantage of my loss to make herself feel better.

[@Lee-ic2yn]

So in other words, you were selfish as hell

[@themissingsock2437]

This vid was so good. I very much related to the entire thing. It just is so mind boggling to me though how other people cannot see why they're doing something, like, I need to know the "why" of a situation, even if I don't agree with your endpoint, if I can use logic "stepping stones" that form your opinion, I can follow that line and understand how you got to the opinion, but I cannot understand how you can still hold that opinion when there's a more logical way to view any issue. Best of luck to you w/your family.

[@nightyew2160]

I think there was a Star Trek episode with the Vulcans where someone said logic can really be used to argue for anything. If things can be more or less logical than other things (the implication being that both things are somewhat logical), and even logic is on a grey scale, how can you tell whose logic is really more sound?

[@nelsblair2667]

I have found a few parts of academia and some cultures (e.g. Australian Engineers) which tolerate any brutal honesty, specifically because it is a sincere personal opinion.

[@hawkes555maine]

Very informative; thank you for your brutal honesty.

[@j.b.4340]

I don’t silence myself, and honesty certainly doesn’t make me any friends. At work, human resources gave me a coaster which says: I'VE REACHED THAT AGE WHERE MY BRAIN GOES FROM "YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY THAT" TO "WHAT THE HELL, LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS." I told her that it wasn’t actually my age, but that I just preferred honesty, due to lifelong self-censorship, which made me feel bad. The coaster was a good natured gift, as she was a work confidant, and a friend, who saw me, for me. (Regarding lies: We generally don’t lie, because we’re not good at it. Working memory fails us, so we can’t remember made-up info. The truth is easier)

[@dominique4432]

I really enjoy tuning into your personal experience

[@annecooper6061]

Thanks very much for this video. I can relate very well to a lot of what you have said here. 🙂

[@joyraggett652]

Love your self awareness and your honesty. I am becoming a GAPS coach. Have a look at what that is.

[@Starwolf30]

I always got in trouble in school or some members of family for speaking up. My daughter has had the same trouble in school not so much with my family as they understand she going to say thing bluntly. School really doesn't like that from either of us so i let her father do the talking with school teacher. I hate it when people are too diplomatic and can never say things bluntly so you're left wondering what they are trying to say between the lines of what they really did say. I can get it wrong if your leaving me to guess what your trying to say, so be more direct let me understand all your saying. Also good luck with your wedding later in the year.

[@kencarson7310]

I recently burned a bridge between my niece and I , what happened was my niece asked me about her mom i.e. my sister and I answered truthfully in which she didn't want to hear that, but I wasn't saying it to be hurtful but to speak honestly to her I thought she had the right to know the truth since she asked me and apparently she didn't like it so now she doesn't talk to me anymore, which I understand.

[@musicteacher5757]

❤️ you, Olivia. It's a tough situation. I'm oriented towards physics and mechanics. There are natural laws that apply to social relationships, and to lies vs truth. Lies are "expensive": they use up self-respect and detract from our ability to relate to reality. If you have any kind of long relationship with a delusional person, you'll come out understanding how precious it is to have a clear view of reality.

[@angelabolhuis9575]

Thank you for your video. I recognize familysituations like I said something and familymembers blamed my mother for what I said, even held her responsible. Even too a point that they thought my opinion was my mothers opinion, while she was always walking an eggschells and keeping peace in the family. Then she lost familymembers because of the things I have said. And although I was saying certain things to protect her and mysef of certain familymembers nasty behaviors, my mother blamed me for this familyproblems. Cause she always had an excuse of why they behaved bad. And I had to keep my mouth shut cause they were mentaly ill or had issues I had to take in consideration. Sometimes I fell betrayed that I suddenly was the bad one. And I never understood why familymember were mad at my mom, cause I was thinking and talking for myself. I could not understand that they blame my mother for it. And your video makes it clear how this is a struggle for us. Just wanting to be honest but then have to realise you dragg your loved-ones into the problem.

[@andreaharmon8931]

Love Claire over at Woodshed Theory. Love your channel too.

[@GreybeardGames]

Thank you for making these videos Olivia. I recently started to talking to an ASD woman via a dating site. I really like her and would love to meet her (when she’s ready of course). These videos have been very informative for me.

[@careybehr]

I'm always highly thoughtful in addressing things with people as well. I keep out the judgment or pointing them out, and offer more of an I feel this way because X happened. It's always interpreted in whatever way fits them, and then it's turned back at me as if I'm the bad person trying to paint them as the bad person. Always. I don't understand it, because I always have the bestest of intentions in trying to communicate effectively and honestly. I wouldn't put the amount of energy into it, if I didn't feel it was worth doing, so obviously that person I do address means something to me!

[@ericgonzalez6366]

Carey A, your 'and then it's turned back at me' dilemma reminds me of what initial, meager grasp I have so far on the new catch-word, catch-definition, catch-dynamic, ancient trick of gas lighting. Do you think such people are gas lighting you?

[@careybehr]

@@ericgonzalez6366 Oh, definitely so. They can't take it when someone points things out they can't/won't take responsibility for.

[@teribartusek1125]

Thanks Olivia! for being upfront and honest, maybe that's what God made us for, too! Keep sharing , I appreciate you and your insight greatly! Have a blessed week as well, and thank you ,we made it through the cold spell in Chicago and up to 44 and sunny today! God bless you!!

[@ashmac87]

I have Mint, too! I've had it for about six months now. ✌️

[@tanyadirienzo9544]

Bridge burner here 🖐️😁 Thanks for this video, Olivia! Makes me feel less alone...

[@Pinkegirly55555]

Oh this is my kiddo. She absolutely says how it is. Has gotten into trouble and talking to so many times at school. She stands up for everyone and will be very blunt in her approach. Working on her diagnosis now.

[@IaconDawnshire]

How did it go?

[@calmdowngurl]

This conversation is so needed. Sometimes people just don't want to be called out on their behaviour and just call the other person rude. If someone is harsh in their language, then there's always the opportunity to apologize for that part but usually the autistic or neurodivergent person is saying something that no one else has the guts to say

[@daisymay5823]

Yes!!! Finally someone who is like me!!! I am on the Spectrum too! I tell it how it is, if they don’t like it, that’s their problem. I’m older than you, Miss Olivia, but this has been my entire 46 years on this planet. I kind of see others pov, but sometimes I have to pipe up and say the obvious, regardless of how they take it. There is no filter, why sugarcoat when the truth needs to be said. I can’t comprehend neurotypical feelings sometimes 🤷🏼‍♀️ black & white is clearer than grey. I also have to know someone stands with me, I test them. If they don’t pass, I move on. Burn those bridges, there is always more coming up.

[@nightyew2160]

Black and white is clearer than grey, but if something is actually grey then perceiving it as black or white doesn't bring us to the truth either. So, I think I am in the opposite situation right now because I think someone is trying to tell me something that seems grey to him, but I feel bad because I can only understand it from a black and white perspective, ie. I am a bad person.

[@srldwg]

​@@nightyew2160It is difficult. I still struggle with this. The biggest thing is to intently listen to the other person. Take deep breaths to help focus and to get out of your head. Let them talk, resist interrupting, when they are done, allow time for yourself to calmly process what they are saying. Take the time to think about how they feel, accept that feeling, and think about their intentions. Being Autistic, I have learned that breathing deeply, and slowing down allows me to hear the other person better. Also, remember that we are naturally very hard on ourselves, so (at least with me) I will not hear all the words and go right to "You think that I am a bad person." You are not alone, and I hope that I was able to help in some way.

[@A.Anne.Aurora.9]

Hello Olivia :) Hope you are doing good as you haven’t been posting for a while… I know this off topic here , but you are doing so good and was wondering if you have still a treatment now and what , if so , and if that s not to personal for you to talk about . Really enjoy your channel and you’re sharing I find it really refreshing. Best wishes ❤

[@marlytate6914]

Best example is from the series "The Chosen," in Season 3 (?) where Mary challenges Tamar for being rude to a man, and Tamar answers that she didn't mean to be. What she really meant is that since she wasn't intentionally being rude, she wasn't, and if the man was insulted for what she said, it's his fault for being ridiculously over sensitive.

[@untamedartist1861]

Hey I found your channel a few weeks ago and it’s helping me a lot sadly my boyfriend of a month broke up with me because of things he doesn’t understand your voice very calming idk if that’s weird to say I relate to a lot of your content as someone who was diagnosed at 19 now very close to being 23 on February 14th can I make a suggestion on like tips for social cues, how to make eye contact, and stuff like that

[@j.b.4340]

Great video, Olivia. The comments are absolutely rocking it. 🙂

[@keny7269]

Olivia. This question may also seem rude, but its just honest. You talk through the video about how you like delivering the «truth» unfiltered. And that you dont care to much about the feelings of the recipiant, and that you have never retretted giving «the truth». But in the final part of the video, you actuall talk about being hurt by your family member who delivered «her truth» to you.. Are you able to see the comparison? Thank you so much for your content. I have several people around me with ASD, and I am trying to learn as much as I can about this. For instance it is hjelpful to understand that most of the «Honest deliveries» are well intended from ASD people, but that Facts are valued more than feelings.

[@erin22222]

Sometimes I say how it is and people get really angry at me for that! I’ve been told it’s a good thing though since sometimes people need to hear the truth even when it hurts. Other times I genuinely don’t understand when I’m being hurtful because to me, I wouldn’t have taken it that way 🤷‍♀️

[@GlennSteffy]

you GO girl !!!!!!

[@manbeckl]

"We really value truth". Unless I have a legit reason to lie (which is rare) telling the truth is basically compulsary to me.

[@katie_warner]

As an autistic person with severe trauma and PTSD, I tend to dance around hard truths because often people don’t like eBay I have to say and will either get mad at me or just straight up abandon me when I try to tell them when I’m upset or how I’m feeling.

[@jordangristina615]

Also growing up and most of my life I had rude behavior towards others because I was tired of the rest of the world being rude towards me first and that's why I had rude behavior

[@jameegrace4918]

It took me decades to learn how to be careful how I say certain things to some people. Grey areas have developed in certain areas as well but not many. Part of learning this comes with maturity and wisdom.

[@jmvanzalinge5023]

I can't do blunt but i don't sugar coat either. I'm somewhere in the middle. I grew up being so aware of how others around me could be triggered that I hold my tongue most of the time. It's so bad that I start to dissociate during times of conflict. I'm not sure if that's because of the sound, the tension, or because I try not to think of the things I want to say. When I have managed to say things before I either get glossed over or they quip back with something so fast and expect a rebuttal just as fast but I can't process it like that. So to avoid all that i just stay quiet.

[@BearFulmer]

That was pretty refreshing yeah I had finally learned I was on the spectrum last year and I've had the same thoughts about how people talk and how I talk and like I'm tired of giving a s*** so much that I don't get to be myself sometimes yeah I get it

[@erikavaleries]

It's fine. Those people were ruining your WEDDING, sweet girl. IMO you were extremely polite. I'm ADHD so I get it.

[@erikavaleries]

Honestly it's much more unhealthy to suppress your true feelings. Good for you for standing up to absolutely awful behavior around your wedding. It was so hurtful, I worried about you. I'm proud of you.

[@pcriged]

Lying 🤥 never! I just "flavor information to act on subconscious bias" -Me

[@user-pb7ee4tk3q]

Perhaps adding the caviat to the bluntness...such as " you or this relationship matters so much to me and i dont want any thing to mess it up..." so i am trusting that you will know im coming from a point of good intention and restoring intention.

[@electrikkingdom]

The world is confusing. For an autistic person confusion causes pain. The truth brings relief. Our community needs the truth in order to be healthy.

[@RebekahAmberClark]

You know, I think more "bridges" should be built of something stronger/less flamable than wood to start with. Feels like a lot of them are built of paper.

[@j.b.4340]

I am brutally honest with everyone, EXCEPT for my children(any children, for that matter). I only lift them up, and give them support, because life is hard. Really, my bluntness, with fellow adults, is almost never meant to be rude. Sometimes, it’s not what I say, but how I say it…so I’m told.

[@jordangristina615]

Another reason why my Situation's a little more independent because when somebody says something to me that's hurtful I easily get more hurt and offended and he's all the reasons why I have Asperger's mixed with mental illness and behavioral problems and bipolar social disorder and these are all the reasons why my Situation's a little more independent than yours

[@IaconDawnshire]

I'd rather be truthful and tell it how it is. Eff feelings!

[@siennaprice1351]

I have Septo Optic Dysplasia, which caused me to be born totally blind, and also on the autism spectrum. I also have CPTSD. I tend to be brutally blunt, and speak my piece. I mainly have a tendency of wanting to fix other people’s struggles by saying, “oh. It could be worse. It’s not ok that you feel this way. You’re not allowed to feel this way.” I think a lot of this is because I’ve worked on my healing when it comes to the CPTSD. So I want to fix other people’s situations to where they never struggle or stress again in life whatever the situation might be. I want people to live a happy healthy 24/7 and pretend those other emotions aren’t there. I do this to myself also.

[@mableleaf2445]

I thought a lot about wether I should leave a comment to this or not, because I am very scared of conflicts and to hurt somebodys Feelings and have the Feeling everything I say causes conflicts, at least in my Family 😅 so I mostly say nothing at all. But I think you really have the best Intention but what you said is very hurtfull, not only for others but for yourself too. To say somebody his feelings are not okay and he is not allowed to feel them is such a painfull way. Every Feeling has its right to be felt, even the worst ones, and is not healthy to just talk them away, you need to Unterstand why you're Feeling them in Order to overcome them and bei truly Happy and that ist indeed a hard and long way. I really don't want to attack Somebody but this triggers me pretty much because I got said that a lot when I was a child and it causes me a lot more harm then it did any good it just Made me feel worse and like I myself wasn't right. I wish you the very best that you find you're way of being trully happy!

[@siennaprice1351]

@@mableleaf2445 I’m so sorry for triggering you. You’re not the only one who has told me this. I am trying to work on this. I think a lot of this is due to the CPTSD.

[@siennaprice1351]

@@mableleaf2445 and you did not hurt my feelings at all. I promise I will work harder on this. I guess I wonder, what could I say instead? Because I truly want to help others through whatever they are going through, but I don’t want to bully them. I will say this. I would never tell someone to shut up if they were struggling. I got this a lot, and I would never do that.

[@mableleaf2445]

I am very thankful for your kind words and please know that it is not your fault that your words triggered me! That is something I just need to work on hard to overcome. I admire that you try to work on that and search for other ways to try because your Intentions are truly good, it's great to try and help others overcome theire struggles. I am not good at things like that, because of that I am often a very quiet Person unless I feel save with someone and I guess it's not pretty fair to critize you for your atempt to help someone. When I'm feeling down it comforts me to think of 'Yeah I feel terrible now and it hurts and I want it to stop but I know it will be better again. It's okay to feel like this right now because this or that happened but tomorrow might be better, or next week, or next month but it will be better again.' And then sometimes I just want to here nothing of that and just need someone listen and a simple 'I'm sorry for your struggles, that sucks' is simply enough because I just need to be down for a little and that's okay too. Sometimes you just need to be sad and then you can be Happy again :) I guess it always depends on the person and the Situation but maybe that's for help.

[@siennaprice1351]

@@mableleaf2445 I use Music as a coping skill. I remember one time I posted on one of my social media platforms about how I was having a tough moment. And one of my friends, who is also a musician, told me to keep moving forward, and that music could be a safe place for me, and it would help me get through it. It honestly doesn’t take me that long to get over certain struggles anymore. It used to take me days, now, it only takes me hours, sometimes even minutes. And then I’m over it. I have faith in you, and I know that you can do it.

[@BM-un4os]

i went through a faze of burning bridges from 25-29 that is unprecedented

[@patricianairn7474]

Have you made a video in which you describe a meltdown? If not, would you be willing to make one or include examples of meltdowns in one of your future vids? I conjure up an idea of what I think you mean, but I may be way off base. Is it a panicky feeling where you think you might, or actually do, flip out? Does it involve crying or yelling, or wanting to hide? I want to compare to my reactions to distressing situations over the years. I am undiagnosed at 77, but, man do I recognize myself in your videos.

[@cherylclarkson60]

I was diagnosed about 5 weeks ago and I am 35 and I have apparently been blunt or rude to a colleague and she would Completely blank me as if I didn't exist and because I don't like moving seat because of my autism I had yo go through it every time

[@Lee-ic2yn]

That's just called being awkward

[@bethw1205]

bridge burners😅💥oopsy

[@dustinkricheff4804]

I think its a great video. I have bad tendency toward pleasing others. So some patient. I think now autistic just decided they did not want to work witg me and chose the someone else. I was very respectful to there wants. Its just made me feel weird for trying to do my job. I always thought the map is not the territory. How i feel is a map not a world truth. Brutally honest is active feedback about the behavior. Not really blunt . It must feel good to be so internally validating.

[@jordangristina615]

Growing up and most of my life I had some OCD behaviors due to aspergers mental illness and bipolar social disorder

[@marzwolfe4037]

I wish there was a more positive term for “burning bridges”… maybe something like “fawning” or “fleeing” lol because essentially that’s what it is- running away from the situation because it’s too much to handle. The term “burning bridges” sounds so malicious and negative (Not criticizing you for using it, just commenting on the phrase in general!! Thanks sooo much for your awesome content!)

[@jordangristina615]

The only thing that makes you independent and higher functioning Is the fact that you have a high functioning personality and your engage to your future mate

[@sarahrose8029]

I'm on the spectrum, but also diagnosed as having Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I also struggle with an eating disorder, my therapist immediately went for the BPD diagnosis. I'm starting to think that it's not BPD, and just ASD. A lot of females on the spectrum are, in fact, misdiagnosed as Boarderlines.

[@OliviaHops]

Yes that’s very true. Check out my video on Masking if you haven’t already. I talk about that

[@eyalguz6303]

We say what we mean and we mean what we say.

[@PinkPulpito]

I have mint mobile !

[@jordangristina615]

Even though I have Asperger's and bipolar social disorder I love talking on the phone so autistic person and bipolar person is different

[@Treezp1]

Hi Olivia, thanks! Is"burning bridges" similar to the stereotypical "INFJ doorslam"? Except burning bridges includes more anger, etc? ❤ T

[@Dulcimerist]

I wondered about that as well. I'm an INFJ who has done the door slam several times.

[@EMILYHERRERA]

And holy cow-- BRIDGE BURNERS UNITED IN SOLIDARITY!! 🎉🎉🎉❤️

[@jasminealixandranorth]

👏👏👏

[@marisvalentini]

I hate to sugarcoat things. At work people tend to judge me because of that. Having autism spectrum is kinda hard. And Brazil needs Mint... 😁

[@markclements5565]

Part of the problem with not being blunt has to do with being in the US. People from Germany and other countries speak more directly or 'bluntly'. The fake nice seems to be more prevalent in the US, but not the entire planet.

[@paulstasney1029]

Olivia lay down head to north one HR in am then head to south 1 HR in pm every 44 day's removes one yr from age and gives you super health