Autism Life: Respect & Authority (The Verbal Spectrum Part 5)

The autistic relationship with authority & the idea that we're gullible or poor judges of character are closely linked and reflected in our verbal spectrum. It's easy to know whether the autist in your life respects you or not, but it's probably not what you think...
Kieran & Amy's paper on masking:
t.co/rdZfYKMWC...
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[@alanguest1979]

I've often meet those people who think I've got to "earn their respect", yet will demand mine automatically. They also give me the impression that they don't really appreciate any respect they get, in fact they take it for granted. In many ways, they don't really deserve it in the first place.

[@thebogangamer1]

most respect and authority is merely about reinforcing class based and slave based societies.

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes

[@justiceiria869]

@@foljs5858 authority doesn't make you a superior human being, its just a position. Positions can be gained and lost. respect on the other hand isn't something that is earned, its something you give. respect doesn't have to be conditional and from a logical standpoint, earning respect just to be treated as a human being, something we already are is a stupid mindset. Its the reason why this issue exists in the first place. Just treat people equally regardless of their positions because we are all human at the end of the day. if you remove the positions, you can see that this is a issue of someone thinking they are above somebody else when they are equally human like everybody else.

[@Xzsxztreiii]

@@thebogangamer1yeah you are 100% right about that; its so refreshing when you meet someone who uses their authority for selfless nourishment of those around you.

[@Xzsxztreiii]

@@justiceiria869i like that alot

[@scrapjob]

My ex’s parents hated me because I didnt treat them with “respect”, which meant I treated them as equals and would have different opinions and argue my points lightheartedly. Some people are just old heads or crazy.

[@BXTR-pc7pg]

The result of this phenomenon for me was that, by the time I left the military, experiences routinely witnessing and participating in extreme violence didn’t even register as trauma when compared to the extreme apprehension I felt every day going to work and hoping some “important person” wouldn’t interpret some behavior of mine as hostile to them for reasons I couldn’t understand.

[@autiejedi5857]

This is wonderful! I've often thought how hypocritical it is that NTs bestow respect only when it's earned instead of starting at a place of respect. Martin Luther King Jr. said this well. Unfortunately too many people use our trust against us to manipulate us. Thanks Quinn!

[@mdj864]

I am an NT, and wish that they didn't-- I certainly would not. :)

[@RaunienTheFirst]

There's a basic level of respect I grant to all people (that can be removed if I deem you unworthy of my respect) but if you want deference or obedience, you *have* to earn it, and even then, it won't be unquestioned.

[@dannyarcher6370]

Starting from a place of respect and giving people the benefit of the doubt is braindead in a world of masking psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists, borderlines and yes, autistics.

[@DuDe-qw3zo]

Thank you for putting this into words. For me this aspect is a core of being autistic and a main obstacle to socialize with neurotypical people. I'm often criticised for judging people too harshly because of this, but I just can't tolerate more than a specific amount of lies, selfishness and disloyalty until 0% are completed. And then it's over. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I can not understand how people can tolerate so much, just because somebody is higher in the pecking order. To me it means nothing and I'm proud on that.

[@cristinajohnsonmusic5254]

Thank you for this explanation; very illuminating. I always wondered why bosses saw me as insubordinate even though I did everything right, or why I kept ending up in abusive situations because of being such a poor judge of character. But this is it. I've been walking around just expecting that everyone will work together and collaborate based on values that are important to our society. But this expectation is almost never upheld by other parties, except in very few situations. I wish there was a way to tell which people share my values before getting in too deep with them and having things hit the fan. I also wish there was a way to better communicate my values to those around me so that I'm not so often misunderstood, taken advantage of, or treated as an enemy--and so that I can safely limit my interactions to be only with compatible people.

[@Autistamatic]

Thanks for commenting Cristina 😊 If you haven't already watched it you might enjoy the "Mind Reading" video linked below which is closely related to this topic. kzbin.info/www/bejne/f3KrapR9l5l6rck

[@heathergrahame9647]

That's so well put. Yay!!!! I look forward to the day when people treat each other with genuine respect and care, rather than pretense, suspicion, and inequality.

[@Daniel-vl8mx]

Thank you for making this video. It matches my own thinking. I've always considered other people as my equal, unless they prove they are less than that. This applies whether they are Prime Minister (a couple of whom I've met) or the person ringing up my groceries at the checkout. It seems to me though that you are expected to learn and abide by rules to get along in the NT world, about this just as much as other things. It isn't just about deference to authority either, there seems to be a complex set of rules about how you are supposed to treat relationships in both directions. It is hard to make sense of any of this.

[@Autistamatic]

Thanks for commenting Daniel. You're absolutely right which is why the "Autism & Relationships" series on the channel will be ongoing for a long time to come 👍

[@mdj864]

I see these as silly games, created by stuffy people from the past. My "autist" son has difficulty eating and sometimes will use his fingers to do so, at home, his autist dad (my husband) will constantly tell him not too, but I don't think its a big deal since we are at home. Conversely, my husband frequently belches--quite LOUD while eating, its gross and makes no sense that he thinks it's ok to behave as he pleases. 😑

[@Space_Princess]

I mask because im feel if i dont it will lead to the other person becoming hostile with me and me not knowing why. So for my own safetly i have learnt to mask but it doesnt work very well for me as it still leads to misunderstandings and aggression towards me when i didnt mean to do anything wrong. The past few years ive lost the ability to mask and decided to learn psychology. Im exhausted from trying to change myself to please non autistic people. I find myself over explaining to calm the situation down but half the time it just makes it worse as the other person is adiment their beliefs about me are correct when they are not. I see everyone as equal except for myself. I see myself as lower than everyone but all animals, plant, the whole universe and humans are all equal beings in my eyes.

[@Eli_water_lily]

This is so true . Only truth and not ego based relationship. ❤❤

[@watchingthebees]

Remembering that this is also the case for abusive parents and family members (at least for me)

[@abigailmcewan]

OMG we need you and your perspective as a global leader in attitudes and functioning. Thank you again Quinn. Much respect.

[@mdj864]

Absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I love that you treat everyone as an equal, and agree, life could be so wonderful if everyone did so.

[@annaviolette_art]

Brilliant video, very well explained. If only the majority of people operated in that way, what a world would we be living in...

[@Qhartb]

This explains very well an observation I've made in myself that I'd written off as just a quirk. I used to be in an improv theater troupe, mostly meeting for our own enjoyment rather than performing for an audience. I enjoyed most of our games, but there was one that completely shut me down, to the point that if we were going to play it I learned to sit out until it was done otherwise I'd be non-participatory and possibly even low-verbal for the rest of the night. It was a "status game." Everyone got playing cards of different ranks, Two through Ace. You could see others' cards but not your own. You treated people according to the status of their card -- Deuces might be janitors while Aces might be a king or celebrity. I found this so antithetical to my worldview that not only was I terrible at the game, but attempting to engage with it drained me immediately. I think I might have even preferred to wait outside or isolate until it was over instead of observe others playing it.

[@anthonyking4334]

this is exactly why the concept of castration is so important in psychoanalysis. We really need to see the power and authority behind most peoples decisions.

[@Sparlock42]

Are you saying we need to remove the testicles of those in power? 🧐

[@sidimightbe]

This is why managers hate me, I do a good job but I hate that bullshit power tripping

[@g3no70]

My experience as a parish councillor is only in its 3 month and already 2 resignations tells me I have a fight on my hands. Respect is waning and I predicted I would last less than 3 months because I challenged a lack of procedures and policies that protect us all not just me. I also challenged a financial hierarchy that pays one from a public purse and puts responsibility on the rest to proper appropriate. I feel either there is change or I leave. I can’t work in a system that is 50 years stuck in a antiquated system and that compromises me. The respect clock is running well below 50 for some.

[@lilyfaure4110]

Thank you Quinn, you've such a way with words.

[@micheals1992]

This reminds me of the prisoners dilemma in Richard Dawkins book The Selfish Gene, an altruistic tit for tat mentality is very effect and pays off well in most instances

[@Autistamatic]

Great comment! Whilst Dawkins has become quite a controversial figure of late, his early books were quite the revelation to me as a young man. The Selfish Gene and The Extended Phenotype were real eye openers and cemented for me how much of what we now think of as science is still deeply rooted in philosophy.

[@micheals1992]

@@Autistamatic I haven't read the Extended Phenotype yet but it's on my list of books to read. I was a bit disappointed with the selfish Gene as I already knew most of the stuff in the book, it did help piece things together though. Until recently I wasn't really good at reading. I could read but didn't really comprehend the meaning from the long strings of words. I don't really know what changed, I'm 31 and only just realised my reading comprehension is now upto a standard I can actually read, understand and retain information. Because I couldn't read though most of my knowledge is like a crochet blanket, loads of bits of information sown together, despite the fact I know it reading about stuff is actually making my knowledge less spikey and more coherent to other people by smoothing out the gradients between each crochet patch of information (if that makes sense). I do love Richard Dawkins, while I do see where he's coming from with trans and gender fluidity I don't think it's as harmful as he believes it to be. Personally I don't have any strong opinions on the subject and believe people should be free to do what's right for them. I do hate political correctness telling marginalised groups what they can and can't take, treating gays and autistics like they're special snowflakes who will have a mental breakdown if they hear the wrong terms. I'm gay and I personally find it more offensive they removed the word "faggot" from Fairytale of New York. Because Gays are obviously too weak to hear that word (Sarcasm 😉). It reminds me of the south park episode about Harley Davidson riders. The meaning of that particular word isn't always referring to gay people and in allot of cases taboo is the very thing that gives words power, it also prevents evolution of the meaning of words we aren't allowed to use (Like "Gay" used to mean "Happy", "Fag" often means "Inconsiderate" in America or "Cigarette" in northern England). I think the reason I like Richard Dawkins (and others like Christopher Hitchens, James Randhi and Daniel Dennet) is mostly down to my obsession with Skepticism, I find it infuriating you can't trust everything you read and Skepticism is the Anti-virus for bad ideas. When I was a kid I was dumb enough to research and believe conspiracy theories like the Illuminati and the moon landing "hoax". There isn't really any evidence to support most conspiracy theories and most is circumstantial evidence and unsubstantiated claims that people accept without questioning them. We definitely went to the moon, allot of that conspiracy is purely a misunderstanding of things like how inertia works on flags swinging in a vacuum, exposure of cameras not being long enough to see stars etc. I'm glad I did build my skills in skepticism because the misinformation over COVID was unreal. Skepticism gives immunity over bolloxologists. I don't really understand how people still manipulate me so easily in person though. Although I've proven most of the managers at my work frequently lie. I don't respect or trust them anymore because of it.

[@Uatemysoul]

My mom, and her husband have at this point in my life Dried up the respect as you so put it. When I was 14-15 or so My mom married an alcoholic man that treats her poorly. She just kinda did it, without saying anything to me, my brother, her parents at the time just did it with a single witness in his kitchen. The first time I met him we were having pizza I didn't care all that much for him he was just another of mom's boyfriends/co-workers and he would be gone in a week or so. There were a lot of things that kinda piled on. I not really having the words to express what I was feeling at the time my mom not really understanding it at all. This man's constant demand that I respect him. So he would give me jobs, usually things he didn't want to do, I was to do them without complaint as I was told to do them no matter how much I was in physical or mental pain. I would come home and usually go to my room and hide, dreading when I would hear my name. "There's only one way to do this and you're doing it wrong!" "He doesn't respect me!" " Do it right, like I showed you, get back out there. Get over it we all do things we don't want to do." My breaking point was the day he barged into my room sat down on the couch and proceeded to tell me everything he thought was wrong with me and what I was doing wrong. At this point I had been diagnosed and was put in a home care program for the next 8 or so years only really going to see my mom on holidays. One year I had just kinda had enough and I told her "Him or me." She has been trying to get me to accept her husband for the past 12 years. This last year, she came to my home to take my wife and I out to lunch for my birthday, just kinda messaged us in the morning said she was coming over. Came over an hour later then she said she would. Handed my wife a scarf and said I made you a scarf, we had been talking about getting a nice cloak pin for it as it was rather wide and thought it would look nice. She picked a chinese buffet, but not being all that hungry, from eating a huge meal the night before tried to persuade her to helping me make a batch of ice cream in my new churn. Tried to get me to ride in her car,* I've learned this lesson I'll drive myself, my mother will stop and talk to every breathing human she sees. After lunch at the buffet we went to the grocery store next door to get cream and sugar to make my ice cream. My mother decided that would be a good time to grocery shop. This would all be fine but for the end here. "He doesn't have to keep you away." Trying to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. "You don't understand where this puts me at the holiday's." *My brother and his family had stopped going there too. My response was simple. " You may visit me whenever you like, you're my mum, but I didn't marry that man, you did." When we got home she messaged my wife and played it off like the scarf had been left here on accident. I'll piss on his grave.

[@ladyvoreva2754]

And, again, I subscribe to each and every word you said. Thank you, Quinn, for your videos. Kind regards.

[@benmitchell4425]

Always appreciate your work.

[@Autistamatic]

Thank you Ben 👍

[@hrtdinasaurette3020]

Am 50+, single, no kids, now no job, no car (a dating site delight!) n am awaiting my tests for un/diagnosis. Thank you for speaking in such a clear and understandable fashion. Whatever happens in my life, I wish you all the best with yours. Thank you again for your help ♥️

[@chickenwatcher8898]

Brilliant! Nice one for making this. :-)

[@lennartvandenberg6534]

Well said! That is exactly how I see it too!

[@tkdjeanne]

All I could think of when you explained the respect given is Jesus" words--love your neighbor as yourself.

[@mudotter]

Agreed.

[@anjachan]

A former classmate said I brought Peace into class 😅

[@turtleanton6539]

Great video 😊😊😊

[@ShaunRuigrok]

Quinn thank you for this video but I couldn’t help but be 99% focused on your beard touching your lapel mic and making static sounds (I know this is blunt I’m sorry)

[@Autistamatic]

Now you know why I recently changed to a different style of microphone 😉 Thanks to my Patreon supporters I was able to buy a different mic & stand which has improved sound quality in several ways👍

[@chikenjr]

great vid!!

[@robertjmccabe]

This is your best video 😍

[@johnrice1943]

As an electrician I'm going to have nightmares about all those tangled wires 🪢

[@kyleethekelt]

It's hard to follow social rules when we can't understand them because they simply do not tmake sense.

[@cristinachaliandroi1369]

They are not such a thing as authority We are all people

[@artisticautistic9664]

Lol I don't mask for anyone, whatsoever This is very accurate, also.

[@lyrablack8621]

👏🏼👏🏼

[@AeonZhang]

💫🌟🖤🖤🖤🌟💫