Autistic Masking is NOT What you think...

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9 Signs You are Probably NOT Autistic...: • 9 Signs You are Probab...
The Best Theory of Autism you've probably NEVER heard of...: • The Best Theory of Aut...
Not Stimming is MORE dangerous than you think...: • Not Stimming is MORE d...
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📹 My Videos mentioned 📹:
The 4 Types of Autistic Masking: • The 4 Types of Autisti...
Not Stimming is MORE dangerous than you think...: • Not Stimming is MORE d...
struggling with autistic burn out...: • struggling with autist...
How to Know if you're Masking...: • How to Know if you're ...
The Best Theory of Autism you've probably NEVER heard of...: • The Best Theory of Aut...
10 Signs you have Pathological Demand Avoidance: • 10 Signs you have Path...
*Great Books About Masking:
Unmasking Autism: The Power of Embracing Our Hidden Neurodiversity: amzn.to/3USapkm
Autism and Masking: How and Why People Do It, and the Impact It Can Have: amzn.to/3wk4hHm
Taking Off the Mask: Practical Exercises to Help Understand and Minimise the Effects of Autistic Camouflaging: amzn.to/42OMJPM
📒 Sources 📒:
Masking Definition: www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-...
DSM V: www.tricare-west.com/content/...
CAT-Q: embrace-autism.com/cat-q/
Social Camouflaging Study: molecularautism.biomedcentral...
ASD and S Risk Study: www.psychiatrist.com/jcp/auti...
Levels of Autism: iacc.hhs.gov/about-iacc/subco....
Compensation meaning: www.healthline.com/health/aut...
Risk Factors for Life Ending: www.thelancet.com/pdfs/journa...
Hannah Belcher Flow Chart: • Removing the mask on a...
Monotropic Split: emergentdivergence.com/2022/0...
Mate crime: www.safeguardingchildren.co.u...
Mate Crime Study: www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/...
Mate Crime Support: www.ambitiousaboutautism.org....
Experiences of Interpersonal Victimization: journals.sagepub.com/doi/epub...
Autistic Women are higher masking: journals.sagepub.com/doi/full...
9 out of 10 Autistic People abused: www.frontiersin.org/articles/...
ABA controversy: www.spectrumnews.org/features...
ABA compliance: www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/...
Parents experience of Masking: pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32338...
Embrace Autism Masking: embrace-autism.com/masking-is...
The expectancies of drinking: www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10...
ASD and Alcohol KZbin Video: • Axia ASD - "Autism and...
Alcohol Use Patterns: link.springer.com/article/10....
Sally Cat PDA: photo?fbid=9...
National Autistic Society Burnout: www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-...
00:00 You're not autistic anymore
01:17 Do you do this after socialising?
04:24 What was your score?
04:57: Why we desperately need support (TW)
06:25: Are you in a paper shredder?
09:05: The dangers of people pleasing
16:20 Why masking is self-hatred
19:52: Addiction (TW)
22:00 Is masking all bad?
23:50 Let yourself be autistic...
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DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Sometimes people can act like the ability to mask means you’re magically struggle free and no longer need to call yourself autistic. So here are 4 reasons why that’s not true! If you’re not sure what masking is, you may want to start here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aWeQfGB-jJimr8U If you want to do the masking test with me, you can do so here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y4PKiqyfa7iajck Hope you’ve had a lovely week with some time to yourself! Here’s the page about preventing burnout from the National Autistic Society over here in the UK. Look after yourself!: www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout

[@Rapaille]

Sorry if I wasn't supposed to reply under your comment, I was just wondering what your opinion is on CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for autistic people? For context, my therapist keeps bringing it up as an option, but I'm sceptical because of the very negative experiences I've read about online. Do you think it's suitable for Autistic people? Or is it damaging?

[@ArtandGoblins]

@ OP/vid This is why I disagree with people saying masking is a privilege, it isn't, it rarely works anyway and even if it does it's like saying it's a privilge to be in the closet to lgbtq folks, speaking as an autistic kweer person no it's not a privilge, it's a painful, exhausting thing pushed on us so we don't get picked on by bigots, this is why ABA "therapy" has its origins in anti-gay conversion, they don't care if it really "cures" us just as long as they can belive we don't exist. Being able to drop the mask with safe people has been liberating. This is also why we need acceptance not awareness. The people who say masking is a privilege are promoting a dangerous and ableist lie.

[@ArtandGoblins]

​@le CBT is only as good as it can be adapted to you as an autistic person, some things are just never going to be able to be "thought away" and you have to explore what those are and impose and respect your own limits on what does and doesn't work for you because most therapies are designed for NT people. My experience as an autistic person is also we benefit more from self guidance or 1 to 1 than group work. (So IMO yes it can work but only if it is tailored to you specifically. I Know you asked OP but thought I'd share in case it helps.)

[@remotepinecone]

OMG I remember as a young child I wouldn't rock because I thought people would think I was weird and judge me, and I tried not to do it even when I was alone. Now I have intense social anxiety and no one knows why... I have recently started trying to move more naturally when I am alone and its so different and comfortable but I could never be myself in public...

[@TessaCoker]

@@Rapaille Personally I endured rather than enjoyed it. Tons of books to read with exercises I didn’t understand and couldn’t do without guesswork. My current psychotherapist is Jungian and an Aspie herself and I look forward (rather than dread) seeing her

[@ClaraDarko]

Diagnosed at 42. Been masking heavily my whole life. At this point, my "stimming" is all about self-harm (skin picking mostly) and insulting myself inside my head. I never learned to stim in a healthy way 😢

[@jonathanwinandy]

Ho! I didn't realize inner voices are like a missing neuro-feedback. Thank you (late diag too, high masking)

[@ClaraDarko]

​@@jonathanwinandyYeah, repeating particular words or sounds is also a type of stimming, and I was encouraged to be silent as a little girl, so I internalized it. At the present time, every word I repeat in my head is an insult towards myself.

[@ubernerrd]

Is talking to yourself a form of stimming? Because I've been doing it my entire life.

[@ClaraDarko]

​@@ubernerrdI wouldn't call it "talking to myself". In my head, it's my own voice screaming over and over again the same incredibly foul and offensive insults. There's no dialogue, just verbal aggression.

[@ClaraDarko]

​@@YukinoomoniI'm happy for you! Alas, I've internalized this type of stimming since my early teens and, right now, nothing seems to serve as a healthy substitute. Though it's probably not all about the autism in my case, I also have C-PTSD...

[@sakucha7514]

Whats worse is when "home" isn't a safe space either. Just constantly masking your whole life. Masking outside the home to not come off as weird. Masking inside the home to not trigger any unpleasantness 🥺

[@Jacq.T]

That sounds unbearable. ❤

[@sadiemcintire1054]

My therapist told me that she thinks part of what's caused my anxiety disorder is this, like, I didn't know until I had been in therapy for a while that it's not healthy to mask literally every second you're conscious and always putting the expectations of other people above your own. I had been doing this since I was a child because it's what my parents wanted and what I thought I was supposed to do. Unmasking has been hard at times, but worth it, like, I have more brain energy for things than I used to and I've been learning to not hate myself for all my quirks and stimming behaviors.

[@ragerteenager968]

Thank you for this comment !!! In my case I'm undiagnosed and I don't even fully know if I want one, but my mom lovessss to highlight my weird quirks and the way I talk and I'm so sick of it

[@lucid_747]

@@ragerteenager968maybe she's masking and dares not to remove it-- maybe you're threatening her tight mask. PDA that she talks about

[@spider.coffin]

Agreed, so so exhausting and it just never stops. I spent a lot of time in my 20s lying down in my car in parking lots or in front of someone else’s house when I needed time to just breathe and relax, but then that’s also stressful and anxiety inducing because I was worried someone outside my car would see me. I’m married now, and I love my wife so so much, but I still feel like I have to mask when I’m home with her. So it’s basically been like 30 years of this.

[@katerinaspencer1554]

I didn't even understand that I was lonely growing up because the stress of being around people was so much more overwhelming

[@kawag6356]

Same here ❤

[@nudimane_]

Me too.. And it unfortunately lead to me to grow up struggling a lot socially. I almost always leave an interaction wondering if I did or said something wrong.

[@lucid_747]

Exactly

[@matthewconley7495]

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be who you are.

[@BL-sd2qw]

This hits home

[@like90]

I've masked around people at work and then they were talking about "weird people" in a negative way and it made me feel sad inside because if they saw me unmasked then they wouldn't like me either 😢 it was awful

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

if my mask fell off, a lot of people would suddenly reject me.

[@foxliasgriffinYT]

this is how i feel about my classmates i mean i dont mask perfectly, doesn't help my tics, but i still automatically stay quiet and antisocial to avoid ppl finding out more signs

[@LilChuunosuke]

I have a coworker who has lower masking skills and people will complain about how weird he is to me. I always try my best to defend him, but they brush me off as if I care too much. Because they dont realize I have more in common with him than with all of them.

[@cynthiabrown5456]

Seems like these are people that wouldn't be great friends to have. The best people to be friends with don't talk about people that way or put people down. It can take time to find good people... but when people do that... it's important because it shows they aren't the best people to trust.

[@jamesbraun9842]

Have the same thing. I'm friends with people who basically would hate me if I revealed myself. The only time the mask comes off is in the privacy of my bedroom.

[@godricktheminecrafted3113]

This is like if someone was heavily internally bleeding and people were like “you’re not bleeding we can’t see the blood”

[@michaelmacpherson-wm6mh]

good analogy

[@Coffin17I]

Have you tried not bleeding?

[@godricktheminecrafted3113]

@@Coffin17I “my friend’s son is bleeding and his blood is all over the place, so you can’t possibly be bleeding”

[@Coffin17I]

@godricktheminecrafted3113 Finally get diagnosis. Doctor hands you pills. "What do these do?" "Oh they'll just stop you feeling the bleeding."

[@godricktheminecrafted3113]

@@Coffin17I I’ve never been medicated for my autism so I can’t further the analogy here

[@ChrisWilliams-ls7ue]

I hate when Neurotypical people say "I mask too." I am different at work than with my friends etc. It's more complicated than that.

[@fishofthepeople]

It's easy to confuse masking with code-switching.

[@Sarah-ht7cs]

Everyone does mask a little bit, but it's SO, so, so much easier for neurotypicals. Its like flipping a switch to keep light on as opposed to constantly running on a spike covered treadmill to keep the lights on.

[@kimmygt5938]

Yes, we all do. And yet one is more severe. If you do it all the time.... you may want to look at why. But there's a difference

[@therealforestelf]

the whole drinking & addiction substance abuse story is a vastly overlooked thing that needs way more attention imho

[@BrickNewton]

I'm non diagnosed, but feel like I have used marijuana to help mask. And I found if I did some strange or weird things then I/they would just play it off as being stoned. But not the best way to live.

[@realfingertrouble]

@@BrickNewton I have learned that unmasking via alcohol is a Really Bad Thing. It can make socialising easier, but that filter is there for a reason. I mask my true feelings for safety. The blunt yet innocent honesty does NOT go down well.

[@therealforestelf]

@@BrickNewton I can relate to this so much. I've had experiences with certain substances that make either masking easier, whilst other things allowed me to be my "natural self" without having to constantly overthink each and every social interaction. but all that comes with a whole WORLD of problems eventually somewhere down the road. it's more like a band aid for a wound that needs serious attention. I hope you can take good care of yourself and do not become dependent on any type of substance just to survive everyday life. best wishes goes out to you and everyone struggling with this

[@kryssalou]

WAY MORE ATTENTION i ended up using heroin and fentanyl heavy after years of drinking starting at age 12. i relied on xanax given to me by my doctors, and i’ve been “sober” six years on tuesday. the longer i stay sober the harder it is to function regularly in any capacity bc i have no support so it’s still hidden. i’m miserable, i honestly regret getting sober so much. i need cannabis to even partially function normally.

[@KevinoftheCosmos]

i'm a victim of the way I feel and the things I've done and I have always used substances edit: I'm 38

[@TessaCoker]

I am aware I mask. I called my facade in my teens. My mother used to tell me to just be myself and I would think “yes but which self do you want me to be. I am 70 and only found out I am on the spectrum last year. I don’t really know myself 😢

[@matildarose]

Early 40s here. I feel this so much.

[@tomisaacson2762]

I used to internally fume and catastrophize whenever I'd seek advice on socializing and I'd hear/read "just be yourself". Some of the thoughts that'd go through my mind included: "Tried that. It doesn't work." "WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!" "This is like saying 'just drive' to teach someone who's never driven before." "Utterly useless advice from someone who's never had anything close to my problems". Eventually, I realized what it usually means is: "I am so accustomed to having a sense of community and safety that I don't have to do much serious deliberation before my social interactions. I just say what comes to mind and feels right and the ball gets rolling."

[@stampandscrap7494]

58 here and thats exactly how I feel

[@turtleanton6539]

❤

[@Runestone1]

69 here, dx last year. I'm reevaluating all my past history through the lens of autism and now I'm mostly pissed about how badly people have treated me.

[@publicenemynumber1940]

For me the funny thing is masking at least at work often creates a horrible feedback loop when I do it reasonably well. 1. People like me and want to get to know me better. 2. This puts more pressure to mask more and think of more acceptable things to say/do. 3. Inevitably I will mess it up in some way and the same people that wanted to know me better are suddenly rude to me. To be honest I personally don't even mind being left alone for the most part, it's less stressful than feeling like you're spinning 100 plates to entertain others.

[@martinmckee5333]

That "deadly cycle" is familiar to me. Sometimes I wish I were less good at masking, because then I wouldn't find myself in that cycle - people wouldn't be "tricked" into thinking they want to get to know me.

[@LangkeeLongkee]

Is that what happens to me? I mask fairly well, and people tend to like me initially and then eventually they just go... I didn't realise I was really masking especially as a kid and I'd eventually start to be myself just naturally but I never connected that with them not being my friend anymore...

[@RestorativeWaves123]

I keep being unsure if I'm on the spectrum/likely I won't get diagnosed now, but this comment is so beyond relatable to me. I do feel more at peace just not trying to socialize, just engaging with people as it happens, not really wanting friends, and I like keeping to myself anyway.

[@user-ry1cc1im6f]

Same here ... Now I'm not talking at all with two colleagues who think I'm rude ... And yeah, at the end I couldn't pretend more and when I showed how I felt they didn't respect the limits ... Now I think that I should have been myself from the beginning... better to avoid all this .

[@anniella29]

Definitely recognise this from my life. Undiagnosed but identifying as autistic. 68 yo female.

[@Pfhorrest]

"Not having the right to say no" hits really hard for me. I tend to think of my masking as "business mode" (having only learned the concept of masking, from you, in the past month or so), because I guess I first started doing it as a way of being the perfect employee robot instead of my usual apparently unemployable self, and one of the things about being in "business mode" is never saying no, even if I don't want to or don't even know how to do something, figure it the fuck out and make it happen. This bit me really hard once when a scammer called my work pretending to be local police trying to get a hold of me about a warrant for supposedly missing jury duty, and in retrospect like absolutely everything about this scam is so obviously a scam and I'm ridiculously embarrassed that I got taken for it but it started with a coworker transferring a phone call to me so I was just "in business mode" and complying with the things that the person on the business phone were telling me even though I felt suspicious and like this isn't right, but just MAKE IT FUCKING HAPPEN AND GET BACK TO WORK is all my brain would shout at me.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

I know what you mean.

[@Dreykopff]

I have recently met someone who is basically the polar opposite. They were a fucking rebel, if you will, they applied some thorough autistic gamification to the business/workplace thing. They were for years "testing what they could get away with" in the field of communication with coworkers and bosses, which has led to many lost jobs but some real confidence. But obviously, that mindset does require that you're fine with getting fired and/or looking for a new job. The person lives in a megacity (biggest job market of the whole country), that probably made it easier. Completely unrelated but that person also casually taught me how to tell a fake smile and a real smile apart.

[@thatguywithanumbrella]

Omg. I'm unemployed but feel this so hard. I lost over $700 to scammers this past year because the people pleaser in me kept thinking if I give them what they want they won't come back to hurt me. But of course all that did was encourage them to harass me for more and more money. They didn't give me what they were selling either, my poor husband had to block them for me. It was so bad that hearing an Indian accent triggers a fear response in me now. But they aren't as obvious when they are online invading your chats and you can't hear the foreign accent. I keep getting them on my twitch when I stream and random phone calls at bad hours, it's like I'm being stalked.

[@sveadezember403]

Don't feel too bad about the scam. Social engeneering gets us all. But I understand your regrets for not listening to your instincts. You are not alone!

[@wafflesthearttoad6916]

For me it’s just my social mood because I’m afraid of accidentally upsetting people and I don’t know how to deal with upset people because why are you upset and what can I do about it you’re just being upset cause I said no ummmm stop?

[@johnbillings5260]

I masked so well it took 4 decades to figure out that I was autistic. Now I have no idea who I am.

[@Blairington]

There's a way I reconcile masking with authenticity. For me at least, I don't feel inauthentic while masking because out of all the masks I could possibly wear, I'm choosing this kind one.

[@mariaholmdahl9949]

Going through the same thing right now. It's hard to stop masking when I've done it all my life. I'm not sure how to know which parts are me. I had expected my best friend would be supportive, but she keeps pushing bs about autism being caused by trauma, or that I'm afraid of feeling my feelings instead of listening to me.

[@johnbillings5260]

@@mariaholmdahl9949 I totally understand. I was recently diagnosed and even with that I feel like I don't want to share it with much of my family because I don't want to risk having to deal with their opinions based on limited understanding from watching Rain Man, etc.

[@goober479]

Im in the process and feel very connected to myself when I was a kid more than I've ever been... i hope you can feel the same

[@rinkydinkron]

​@goober479 Beautifully put.❤

[@ronruppel8991]

Hi all. I'm 75, and undiagnosed. Until last year I was unconvinced that there was anyone else on earth like me. Living like a hermit, I was unlikely to ever learn otherwise, until a most remarkable family moved onto my street. Now I know, and am discovering the people and resources available. I am in awe. The world is completely different now. I thank you and the other heroes who have helped show me that there is value to my life, and people who can recognize it. The sensations are overwhelming. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. I didn't catch your name, which I resolve to do one day, but for now it doesn't matter. For my purposes right now, you are us as I am us. I am grateful beyond words. Btw, this video was published on my birthday. Cute touch.

[@autisticbishounen4474]

happy belated birthday :)

[@grandvianna8551]

I genuinely couldn't be more happier for you, I know the feeling. I'm 37 and am currently working on getting a diagnosis. Welcome to the club 😂😂😂

[@MoonbearStartiger]

"Mate crime" and similar is why I struggle to trust, why I'm insecure... why I fawn, why I have anxious attachments. I am lonely. I have been very lonely since I can remember, and I am usually suicidal because I feel so alone. People have not understood THIS level of loneliness - I have been cast out and judged and not understood why, had people pretend to be friends but just took advantage... I just really WANT a sense of belonging, but WHERE is that? I don't thrive in neurotypical spaces usually because at my age, I don't relate to others - I feel a lot younger than I am, though I have very "outdated" interests... I don't work, I have lived at home my whole life... I can't just like GO OUT to a random thing and chat people up - I don't know how to approach people. Even when I AM in social spaces, there's always a chance that I read as "weird" unknowingly. It really sucks. I have probably attracted a lot of sociopaths who were very gaslight-y and abusive but in subtle ways. I don't wanna have to be LIKE OTHERS or change who I am, I just also don't want to be SO ALONE in the world and feel so out of place.

[@multiplemysteries5242]

This might be one of the most relatable things I’ve ever read

[@ophr6628]

It's difficult but possible to find your safe space/person. My boyfriend is autistic (we realized that only a few months ago, at 34) and he felt the same growing up as you do now, alone and misunderstood and suicidal. And yet he finally found a safe place with me and he is slowly understanding himself better and feeling better. Best compliment he ever told me was "alone is with you", meaning that he felt as confortable with me as he is when he's alone. There's hope and happiness somewhere for you neurodivergent people. And the ways your brains work are so interesting I can't stop watching autism-related content ! 😄

[@cynthiabrown5456]

I have been there, with mate crime & with domestic abuse... and with stranger abuse... & I have been there, also with being suicidal.. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand feeling alone makes you feel that way, but depression also makes you feel more alone & it is a huge cycle. I honestly think that my extreme loneliness, the desperation for someone to see and love me or "get" me DID attract sociopaths. I don't think you have to change who you are and you shouldn't have to. And I believe you can find your place, with people if you want or romantically if you're into that idea. I think you sound like a really cool person & I bet your "outdated interests" are really cool, too & there are people out there who share them.I really think if you want to find some belonging, pursuing those interests sound like a great place to start! But what I do think, is that you're in pain and it's horrible & I completely understand it. But the PAIN is not who you are... and the depression... is not who you are either- although I know if it's all you've ever felt- it does feel like it is you. But, like neurotypical people either have emotional regulation or learn it by watching other people. And, like, a lot of us... just don't learn from watching people. We, like basically need a manual to not have depression, I think. I had no idea you could learn how to not be suicidal or LEARN to have feelings other than the worst depression (especially in times of what you might consider failure, like going through abuse, facing the fact that you're disabled, whatever else). For many autistics, we can have resistance or a paradoxical effect with anti-depressants & doctors don't seem to even know about it, so where my mom can just take a pill, I needed to do an intensive course of study to have any kind of relief from that feeling or chance to survive. You can have depression for life reasons & situational reasons that would make ANYONE depressed.. but also, there can be a brain-wiring aspect, too, & you can kind of untangle some of that... which can REALLY help to put you in a better place to create a life where maybe you don't thrive in neurotypical spaces but maybe you have great friends who share your interests in a way that's inclusive to you! I hope, for your sake, that you might think about looking into learning emotional regulation skills (I'm going to try to paste a link below, because these skills SAVED my life), in particular "Wise Mind" that teaches you how to integrate your emotions with logic, like experience both at the same time. Anyway, if I did not learn those skills, I don't think I could have found my wife or really had a healthy relationship or have the awesome relationship I have with my parents now, for example. So, here is a website... & it's not to say to change who you are... but there are videos with TOOLS you can try. Usually with DBT you try different skills on for size, even if they sound stupid, then you keep a diary of what techniques work or don't. If you like them or they work for you and ALSO feel authentic, they're there for you to use... while still being yourself. For me, these skills were the key to finally understanding when & were I belong even with the neurotypical people in my life. So in case you're interested, if it would help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/Y5PIYqCJj9eamqM

[@Vanity0666]

God, I could have written this from my own heart I'm trying to find a way through it. It's not easy.

[@tdesq.2463]

​@@cynthiabrown5456👍👍👍

[@thalicat]

the description of post socializing/masking rumination was soo relatable for me, complete with cringing and making lil pain noises while my brain processes thru all the ways "messed up" the interaction one by one, it's exhausting. especially when most of the time the things I cringe at are things that probably no one else cared about or noticed except for me overanalyzing everything 😂

[@carlaeskelsen]

Yes. I thought it was just me.

[@mtsanri]

I would like to have more discussion about this, because I do that too, and the reaction is so common and so strong that I thought they were tics. Or maybe they are tics? Something like what people with tourettic OCD experience, an intrusive thought and a bodily reaction to it?

[@trollsneedhugs]

My unmasked self talks about things that people find "too intense". I often still say things that I regret later.

[@janelmarie7571]

I very much relate to this. I like to have deep conversations, but I guess I get too deep too quickly. People want to chit- chat, and I want to hear about their dreams and fears. Or discuss an existential question. Or debate the tenants of justice. Really, just any meaningful conversation. Nobody wants to hear that 😂.

[@icanhasutoobz]

This. So much this. That I'm "intense" is something I've heard far too often in my life when I _don't_ mask. I'm not even diagnosed, but the more I hear from people who are, the more convinced I am that I am actually undiagnosed autistic, or at minimum neurodivergent in some very real way. When I was growing up, the criteria and wider knowledge about symptoms would *never* have caught me. I've spent my whole life (more than 5 decades) masking, with almost literally everyone. It's been exhausting, and I recently just stopped bothering, regardless of the consequences (which I'm sure anyone knowledgeable about this subject can reasonably predict).

[@Arithryka]

7:34 my cycle goes "I want people to like me and I want to fit in" --> "I try to be involved and charismatic" --> "I become too talkative, annoying, focus too much attention on one person, overshare and embarrass myself, etc." --> "I feel immense shame, begin to obsessively police myself and question every single little detail of what I want to say" --> "I burn out and go into crisis" --> " I withdraw from others"

[@mishiwakka]

I'm in this cycle right now and have been for the last few years. This might be why I rarely manage to make many longterm friends.

[@stefaniecateriny8280]

My entire life.

[@mangowu3243]

We were told from very early on that we _are_ wrong, while others are being told that they _do_ wrong. While others are removing or suppressing bad behaviours to fit in, we try to do the same with our very person and being. People think that masking is all about adding a protective layer outside of ourselves or pretending to be someone else to fit in. It's not. We don't try to hide our faces, we try to cut them off.

[@barrydworak]

I think most people are not actually telling you that you are wrong. They think they're just teaching you how to behave in society, etc. Because you know that whatever they're trying to "correct" is really a part of who you are, you hear it as being told that you are wrong for being yourself. I'm not trying to make excuses for the people who hurt you. I think that's morally wrong to do. I am trying to explain why education might be really important. Caregivers like parents and teachers should have enough education and understanding to know when they are crossing this line. It's a very important line.

[@marlyd]

I didn't realize I'm likely stimming since talking about it with my autistic boyfriend, turns out we may vibe so well because I'm undiagnosed but really good at masking. So many little things I used to do, or still mindlessly do when I'm alone, I never thought about. Crazy. I'm 36.

[@moujayay]

I have the same only that I have no diagnose at all and my partner has a severe recommendation for a diagnosis from a therapist working with ASS patients. But still not tested as time and money. I myself did a lot of the tests I found for him too and am always on the maybe yes, maybe no side. but there are so many similarities. with my partner we also most likely not only have a high functioning Autism but also great possibility for a missed special gifted tendency. All lead to only now after we both had depression and anxiety attacks starting in our late 20s, now being both 32. On the one side I am just happy that I can understand him better than others and on the other hand I am just partly sad and angry that noone ever thought about diagnosing whatever was up with us (especially him).

[@toffeesock]

Yeah I discounted the fact that I might be autistic for years because “what are the chances” that I ended up dating an autistic man and having an autistic child with him? I figured the similarities between my son and I were me just sort of… being empathetic? Rather than actually just recognising traits in myself as I researched autism in order to understand it in my son. It literally took about 15 years for me to finally accept that I was autistic simply because I thought, what are the chances? I believed that my son inherited autism from his dad and the chances of me also having it were low because, I don’t know, I was taking it all too literally or something lol :P and I was worried everyone would think I was copying… when I finally was diagnosed, my sons dad was totally unsurprised and was like, “ahh I knew it, glad you finally got diagnosed” lol I was like “OMG why didn’t you TELL me!!!!” Why am I ranting? Who cares!

[@jamesedmonds7519]

I got diagnosed in October aged 33. It's so much more common than anyone realises.

[@moujayay]

I know exactly what you mean! @@toffeesock I don't quite think like my partner but him having clear traits of autism doesn't mean mine aren't autistic traits either. but then again it is so mild sometimes for me that I think "Naaaah... No way..." But the tendency still stands.

[@fintux]

Looking back at my life, the first clue for me was that I was able to relate to autistic people, even as a kid (well, I didn't know any autistic people, at least diagnosed ones, but those who I could e.g. see in documentaries or so). I felt like I could understand them somehow, and felt some sort of connection. Over 30 years after that, I'm starting my journey of discovery to my autistic self.

[@Autism_Forever]

I have Class 3 ASD, I was diagnosed at birth, my whole family is Autistic, I don't mask at all, and I am a survivor of a successful suicide (I died). My personal philosophy is this: those who will not accept you the way you are do not deserve to be in your life. That includes friends, sex partners, spouses, family members, employers, business partners, strangers in grocery stores, and everyone else. Through death I learned an important thing: NOTHING in this world is worth fussing, struggling, and suffering for. It is all pointless anyway. So we might as well relax and be as happy and satisfied as we can be. I do not fawn. I am very confrontational. Many people who have met me think that I am a crazy bitch. How do I know? Because they told me! :) I ask flat out - you got a problem with Autistic people or something? What do you have to say for yourself then? We should not have to change ourselves to be loved. We are very lovable just the way we are :)

[@user-ds1mz2te2n]

Amen!!!

[@chinmeysway]

you died ? like how do you mean. you seem alive ish sorta..!

[@Autism_Forever]

@@chinmeysway Thanks :) Clinical death, brain was without oxygen for 15 minutes, 10 days of coma, 2 months in ICU connected to full life support, loss of 60% of blood mass, rupture of most blood vessels, dark purple skin covered in black and dark red stains, black toenails and fingernails, black whites of eyes, black gums and other mucus surfaces, people swaying away from me outside because I looked like a horror movie character - that's how it went.

[@emilydenomme2902]

I had to pause the video and come comment because I so heavily relate to the jekyll and hyde reference. I have felt like a “bad person” my whole life, asking myself why I can be so nice to strangers and so opposite once I get home from school. My mom used to say I had an attitude towards her, but I never intended on being hurtful, so I always just thought I must be a bad person for not being able to be nice all the time at home the way I am in public. I have grown to understand myself more over the past couple of years and its been very helpful!

[@fredgoodyer4907]

Sameee! “You wouldn’t say that to your teacher” will always haunt me because it was true and I felt ashamed 🙃

[@RambleMaven]

I remember when I was a kid I would often wish my life was a dream and I was actually just a baby that was having a vision of how my life would be and i would be able just course correct and be able to act normal.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

well, the rich and overpriveledged are kinda that way.

[@LilChuunosuke]

Me too! I used to pray that one day when I went to bed, I'd wake up and find that I was four years old again and be able to use my experiences I learned in this life to improve my real one

[@PandaHopeful]

I wished I was a dog. Their lives seemed easier.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

@@PandaHopeful Well you were a dog at some point. Their is no going back. and thats a very difficult thing. No going back, no course corrections, no daydreams can make it better.

[@Pfhorrest]

@@LilChuunosuke I still have this idle fantasy of "once I invent time travel" all the things "I'm going to do" differently "this time through" now that I know better. Heck, even without actually reliving life moment-by-moment, if I could just give my past self at a strategically chosen stage of life like an hour or less of verbal advice, just about what to focus on and what not to worry about, not even any specifics, that alone could have a huge butterfly effect.

[@clicheguevara5282]

I was diagnosed at 38 after developing C-PTSD from masking my whole life - without even knowing that I was masking or autistic. I’ve learned that my situation is pretty common unfortunately. I’m glad diagnosis is much better now than when I was a kid in the 90s.

[@bluenymph2887]

Not judging or anything, but was the cptsd because of the masking and what lead you to your autism diagnosis or things just sort of lined up that way? I'm try to decide why, in my thirties, I started to feel super exhausted, then get diagnosed with ADHD, ptsd, and autism in my early 40s.

[@holographic555]

Thank you for sharing.

[@clicheguevara5282]

@@bluenymph2887 No worries!! I love taking about psychology. My C-PTSD diagnosis actually led to the autism diagnosis - because both disorders share A LOT of symptoms. They’re actually very similar and undiagnosed/late diagnosed autistic adults very commonly have a co-morbidity of C-PTSD. I’ve seen a lot of very extreme trauma in my life, but whenever I’d think back to why I was feeling traumatized, those events didn’t ever feel like they were really to blame. I’m pretty good at processing traumatic events in a healthy manner. I always felt traumatized by the isolation of feeling different and “weird”. Now that I understand the link between C-PTSD and “high functioning” autism, it all makes perfect sense. If you’re “masking” to fit in with neurotypical people and you don’t even know what masking is or that you’re neurodivergent, that’s REALLY going to mess you up.

[@lindaorlandi1127]

Same!!

[@lisawanderess]

We share the same story...my CPTSD diagnosis led to the ASD diagnosis and honestly, that autism diagnosis day felt like my birthday! There was a reason for my "weirdness" I started coming across other autistics on KZbin and stopped feeling like a solitary alien with all these odd quirks and ways to limit chances of burnout, meltdowns and the ensuing depression. I was reborn on that day and now, I'm learning that being ME is OK ❤

[@urseliusurgel4365]

I have to say that perceived pressures to unmask for some people who are late diagnosed, can be counterproductive. I was diagnosed at 59 years and I honestly think that my mask is as much a part of me as my autism. I doubt that I am capable of unmasking to any great extent. Masking does not cause me any distress, though it can cause exhaustion. However, how much the exhaustion is the result merely of socialising itself and how much is caused by masking, I couldn't say. Rather than than advocate unmasking, which may be impossible for some autistic people, I advocate being kinder to oneself. Avoid social commitments that you feel will be unpleasant, if possible get out of situations that are causing you distress, be it social overload or sensory.

[@arianewinter4266]

Apparently for you masking works Well, great If IT does Not cause you distress, but for so so many IT does, Feeling Not Like yourself, that you can never Express yourself that there IS Always an invisoble Wall between you and Others . . .that can BE extreamly distressing. Maybe your Mask does.not need to BE that different from WHO you are maybe you are Just really good managing IT and Mask and unmask all the time when needed . . .Not everyone has crazy visable stimms that need to BE forced down after all . . . . But for me, the relationships where I have to heavenly Mask are those I avoid, cause ITS hell for me and them. I rarely ever have co tact with my Foster mother cause despite of US Loving eachother IT IS Just so hard to BE around her and trying to force myself into way to tiny plastic shoes, Police every fraction of my Expression and Turn around every word in my mouth thrice by having to make the whole Thing Look Natural, AS If nothing was wrong IT IT were a delight so BE around her

[@LilChuunosuke]

Also, for some of us, unmasking and skill regression can be extremely dangerous! I unmask as much as I am comfortably able to, but I am a level 2/medium support needs autistic. I was forced to learn how to live almost entirely independently because my parents believe autism can be cured with discipline and violence. I do not have a caretaker. I do not have the money to get assessed. I am not on disability. I already struggle to maintain independence because working just enough hours to survive leaves me exhausted and struggling to keep up with household chores. Too much unmasking and I risk losing my independence. And again, I have nobody to care for me. I would be causing my own ruin.

[@PandaHopeful]

I have really enjoyed how we have evolved our discussion and thoughts about this topic. It's good not to see it as a black and white (either/or) line of thinking. Sometimes masking helps, and sometimes it helps to unmask. I suppose the key is finding a balance.

[@finneblub8768]

​@@LilChuunosukeI relate to your struggle. I cannot afford to unmask either. In this economy??? I have to be in uncomfortable situations to survive each month. No family support besides some money and food here and there. Unmasking is a privilege. I would love to not be exhausted, but that's just reality. I give myself as much grace as I can. I obviously try to avoid high-masking social interactions. It's just not always a choice, but a necessity to mask.

[@LangkeeLongkee]

​@@LilChuunosuke I don't think that's the point you're making it out to be. Independence is nice but hurting yourself for it? Your comment is more an expression of how the system fails disabled folk than a reason why you need to mask. The point is you shouldn't have to do that, you should have access to accommodations and care. Not necessarily a live in carer if you don't need that but someone who maybe does your shopping, or your cooking or cleaning.

[@Grey_Warden_Invasion]

When I drink alcohol it has the opposite effect on me. I become pretty much a statue. It's as if my brain is like, "Okay, something is wrong right now. We have to be extra careful now. Don't move! Don't talk! Don't even breathe without thinking it five times over!"

[@biancat.1873]

Yeah, drinking feels exhausting!

[@Ana-by5gg]

my experience exactly - that's why i stopped drinking decades ago

[@sethjacksonanimation8407]

thats me when i smoke weed - i tried it at a few parties and was like nope, i need to leave immediatley

[@gracewenger575]

This is why I can only drink in scenarios where I am in a “safe space.” I enjoy it….when I can be myself without fear or pressures. And never will I ever go beyond tipsy. Did that a few times in my adventurous thrill seeking years and nope. I have to maintain some level of normal function for it to not start a panic spiral.

[@jessn.3851]

Drinking is usually more stressful than not drinking, because I'm hyper aware that I have less physical control. That may be why people said I didn't seem drunk, even though I definitely was. I rarely drink because it isn't enjoyable for that reason. But I did have fun drinking a little when I went on an excursion during vacation to an island in Mexico. It was at the beach, I was with my best friend and they had tacos, it was great. Alcohol also tastes terrible.

[@fleetingmoment]

Masking is indeed taxing, but it sometimes beats the alternative. That said, I went to a job interview last week and it took me two days to physically recover from the burnout. My constant mental replay of every single detail is only now just starting to fade. The interview lasted for about an hour and a half, during which time, although I like to think I'm fairly well versed in masking, I found myself starting to unravel after only a short time. My answers became overly long, detailed and meandering, and I found myself struggling to remember all of the different things I had to do to appear convincing. The worst part was when we were joined by the company owner, who inanely asked me, "What is your dream job?" At that point, I just wanted to get up and leave. Not surprisingly, I never heard back from them.

[@myriamh.2182]

I feel you I also think Job Interviews are terrible especially when people dont know you and your Work. I counsel employers and everytime Job Interviews come Up I try to get them to Shift from Interviews to Just letting people try Out. We are Not the only ones that cant handle Job Interviews Well.

[@daughterofsekhmet81]

God how I hate job interviews. There was one where I managed to mask just fine through the interview, but the manager insisted on doing a roleplay to test my skills after I'd been at the job for a few weeks. I HATE roleplaying. I can answer any question, describe past scenarios where I failed or succeeded, detail how I'd handle hypothetical situations, but I CANNOT roleplay. Nothing makes me feel more scrutinized, judged, stupid, and humiliated than roleplaying. I would honestly rather shove railroad spikes under my toenails than roleplay, it is that uncomfortable and distressing for me. Anyway, I tried to get through it cause I really needed the job, but after a few minutes I just broke down in tears. One of the most embarrassing moments of my life lol. Thankfully that manager was very kind and understanding, she'd already seen me perform well so she didn't fire me. Still though, UGH!!!

[@fleetingmoment]

@@daughterofsekhmet81 That's terrible. Hopefully she gained enough insight from the experience that she could re-evaluate her behaviour and decide that, in future, she wouldn't blindly expect people to act like performing seals at a circus.

[@HYPERxSONICxFANx2012]

i hate job interviews. they're so tiring. "what is your dream job?" a question i never have an answer to because i don't have one

[@johnfsenpai]

The post-diagnosis "no, look, I am actually weird, I promise that I'm weird, look at all this weird stuff that I've done" is extremely relatable. Almost as much as the Jekyll and Hyde comparison.

[@supersilvernova22-ut3db]

I mask through being quiet. I made a poem about it: I do not mind sound. I enjoy the water when it is pure and smooth. I enjoy when it is sweetened, and even made bitter. The diverse feelings can make me feel better. There are always abrasions. There will always be abrasions. But I do not mind. I do not mind sound. What bothers me is not the natural impurities That gives the water spice and life. What I mind is the pollution of lies. That is what gives me strife. When poison disguised as sweet golden honey Is dumped into my streams Through purpose or ignorance it does not matter For though I have no mouth, it makes me scream. I could have a mouth. I could rise up and take what’s mine. But then I would be the disturbing moth Taking what is “thine.” Thus, I can never let known what is felt. For fear of my own health. What is that? Who am I? Why, I am the river itself. I am the river you poor your lies into. That you pollute without a thought. I care not that you knew not When I am so close to your own selves. You did not know I was a river? Well, what else would I be? Something so silent and cold. Something to carry your sins downstream. I do not mind sound. Only when it is a burden. When it breaches my serenity And touches my conscience. I do not dislike the connection. In fact, it is something that I enjoy. But when the connection is only a siphon, That is what makes me coy. I want your community, not your pity. If you will not provide me company, Then leave me to be lonely. I do not mind sound. In fact, I like it just fine. But when the sound is just as draining, I will choose silence every time.

[@NeonDungeon]

I f**king love this so much. Every single thing describes how I feel about what's happening in my life but I'm too caught up to say. Cos I'm being that person in the poem. I love the sound of distortion. Messy, busy, loud ratchet sounds. It's when I can feel it trying to taint or control my experience that makes it not ok. I miss sound. Thank you so much for posting this. x

[@rosariojailene]

I lovee this

[@JamillaRopa]

What a great poem! I really relate to it so much. It really puts to words the complex feelings that autistic people have. The things that usually don't bother me suddenly being overwhelming bothered me but realizing that I might be autistic too. There's that something about wanting company but abandoning it because of mistreatment from normal people due to being the odd one out. Kudos to this poem.

[@nellpulaski4919]

Beautiful,❤

[@sdfggdfg5fgdfg]

My entire upbringing my mother constantly told me to disregard my own feelings and perceptions. I was completely un-personed by her and it caused an avalanche of relationship problems. If i wasn't so stubborn i wouldn't be here anymore. Distrusting yourself in every thought, perception and opinion you have is so debilitating. It's an existential dread I've only recently started to escape

[@Heterogeneity]

❤ Same. 😢

[@marzettik]

So I'm a 34 woman. The doctor I have had since has finally retired, and the person who took over the practice told me they thought I was autistic upon our first meeting! They're sending me for testing. I blurted it out to my family at xmas because they were picking on me for being weird. They said some not so nice things about it. Things I heard people say that had been said to them about autism, but I wasn't convinced real people would say them. Jokes on me. I hadn't planned on telling my family about it, but I felt like I was somehow lying to them. I like being honest. I'm always complaining about not feeling like myself and being chronically exhausted, masking makes sense.

[@fakiriayoub8087]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@FabioPioFersini]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

[@BestOffer-ii9ny]

Yes, dr.porass. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@ValerianNnaemezie]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@FabioPioFersini]

Is he on instagram?

[@BestOffer-ii9ny]

Yes he is dr.porass.

[@SamButler22]

When I was younger I disliked being drunk. I felt like I had built up all these inhibitions over years for a reason and felt like I was no longer in control when drunk

[@Vanity0666]

The loss of self control is a big one for me too, thats my reasoning word for word as to why I don't drink.

[@callmecharlie4250]

when I did drink I felt pretty in control but that I had a plausible excuse to shed my inhibitions and not hold back everything. I could just say it's the alcohol, I mean that behavior is the sort of thing you expect from someone that's drunk, no?

[@LunaNatsume]

I am turning 46 in March... i just found out this year, that im autistic, and my score on the CAT-Q was 137. Something that shocked me immensely. All i could think about the entire time i was taking it was, "well, everyone does this... right?". My masking got so good that i had to retake several evaluations, because i answered them as my adult self, constantly masking... and not how I would have, when i was young, before i learned to mask. Absolutely shook me... learning that the internal dialogue I was constantly having with myself ( dont make eye contact too long, keep your hands still, make sure you nod along so they know you're paying attention, dont let your eyes wander, etc...) wasnt what everyone else experienced. I honestly thought all my adult life, that everyone felt/interacted that way... now i know why 2 hours with friends, is more draining to me than a 2 hour workout alone.

[@moonyfruit]

I can relate to this. I took the CAT-Q recently and scored 144. I've talked to my husband about my concerns, and hopefully, I can get an evaluation. I highly suspect I've been autistic and ADHD my whole life without knowing it. Money was an issue when I was a child, so even if my mom suspected something, we wouldn't have been able to afford it, not to mention it would have been the early 90s, so girls getting diagnosed was generally unheard of. And as a teenager and young adult, I was just "lazy."

[@sadakopilled]

honestly i would love to and been doing that lately in public but then i had an argument with my mom on our way home who told me to keep on masking because she feels embarassed at me, i have a very monotone way of speaking with very little to no facial expressions and appearantly i come off as "rude" even thought it's never my intention and it really hurts that this is how i'm precieved. my mom even told me that the seller in the glasses shop behind my back started "making weirded out faces" when i spoke as i observed the glasses frames. it's really hard to be accepted by society if you are neurodivergent or have anything remotely different trait about your persona and i just wish it'd change :(

[@GP-fj9qu]

I had the exact same problem. My family would just interrupt me or cut me off completely.

[@mellyo7262]

I feel this too… I’m sorry you don’t have a decent support system. ❤

[@jo45]

To me unmasking means being honest with myself, and allowing myself to be honest with others if it makes me feel better. I have told many lies due to being audhd, because it seemes more believable to other people. Like saying, that I forgot my homework, rather than saying I obsessed and stressed about it all day long, but couldn’t get started. The question is then, if I feel safe to be more honest, but oftentimes i feel that I actually do. It is also part of healing to realize, that I today have agency in a way I didn’t have as a child.

[@cfaithp]

So many people have taken advantage of me in my life. Thankfully therapy has helped me to start saying "no" and to stop gaslighting myself and stop putting up with gaslighting from others.

[@ernststravoblofeld]

When I was a kid, apparently the favorite pastime of other kids was to tell me something I didn't care about, and when I acknowledged them, they got to laugh about how gullible I was for believing dumb stuff. I didn't believe one way or the other, I just didn't care.

[@Dizzychick_MN]

Partially from growing up as a female and partially because of autism and low self-esteem that politeness has gotten me in trouble. Including an experience that could have become a sexual assault! I truly believe that my extreme reaction (screaming NO! and physically pushing him away) to getting grabbed and taking advantage of his surprise to run out of the empty store saved me from a much worse situation.

[@FrazzleCat]

the "flat expression" hits so close to home. 😆 Yeah, I have been told by a guy I used to know that he liked going to the store with me because I always looked like I would kick someone's .. britches, to keep the language clean, so people left use alone. At uni, I knew a girl who, bless her, used to always try to get me to smile more. She was an angel.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

sadly, i can relate to that.

[@P1ctur3_p3rf3ct]

same, I was told by my father that if I don't start smiling more no man would find me pretty growing up...mind you I was 9 + little does he know I'm a lesbian🤭

[@ely_wannadie2551]

Yeah, I was told every other week by my stepmother that if I was going to arrive with such a rude face, I might as well not come back. Anyways, I was a child moving between parents and being antagonized constantly by her, she expect me to come in laughing?

[@LangkeeLongkee]

Well clearly expressions are just that, cause you're way nicer than me. When I was a kid my dad's girlfriend would always try to get me to smile, infuriated me then, and I had a professor who tried to make me smile all the time last year and it infuriates me still

[@FrazzleCat]

@@LangkeeLongkee If it were anyone else trying to get me to smile more I likely would have been far more annoyed. But she and I became friends fairly quickly, she was very kind to me. I sometimes wonder if we wouldn't have dated if she had not been an exchange student. When I visited her in her country (thanks to a trip through the university) she took me to her favorite date spot in her city.

[@robinfox4440]

That bit where you talked about wanting to be an extrovert hit home for me. I've been recovering from a burnout period for the last two years, and the last two things I did in my life were all heavily leaning into extroversion and high socialization. It resulted in me being bullied, ostracized, and singled out more than I was even back in high school. I'm so tired. I just wish I could find a job that wasn't making coffee, serving customers, and cleaning toilets.

[@TheHonestPeanut]

Every time I hear "you don't look autistic" I want to scream. It's so frustrating when people don't understand how years of serious trauma can force people to hide things and act "normal" and gaslight someone for their trauma. "I don't see your trauma so your autism isn't real". Thanks.

[@Terracotta_Me]

The audible stress noises from going over past socialisations in your head - yes! I 100% do that, always thought it was a sign my brain was wired wrong - now I’m startling to learn it’s just wired differently and there’s nothing to be ashamed about :)

[@martinmckee5333]

For a number of reasons - not the least of which being my autism - the only people that I have contact with are my coworkers. It is exhausting to constantly hide who I am but a recent meltdown at work demonstrated why it's so very important. Everyone freaked out that i was so "different" and acted as if i was a liability. I haven't been totally excluded, but it's clear that I have lost trust... because I couldn't mask long enough. Ironically, the masking is one of the things that leads to me melting down; it's a double-edged sword.

[@user-ds1mz2te2n]

I know just what you mean

[@deluxeassortment]

Masking starts in young life with parents being extremely critical and angry and frustrated because they can't predict or control your behavior. It's further exasperated by bullying in teenage years (and beyond), and completes itself with awkward romantic and sexual encounters. Once you've been through all that trauma, you're pretty well programmed to avoid more trauma from those things by acting like a neurotyoical person. That's also where the people pleasing comes in, you've been so overly criticized that you feel your opinion, emotions, or perspective aren't as important as the rude person who's angry at you. Or perhaps it's not that you feel they're unimportant, but rather you believe everyone else feels that way.

[@lisawanderess]

I got so tired from half of the people telling me I'm a weirdo or "mental" and others telling me there's nothing wrong with me...but I always knew I was different and that I had to "pretend" I was OK or people wouldn't like me. It was exhausting! My mum used to say that the poem: "there was a little girl, who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid" was about me. (Thanks for the CPTSD mum! 😂) Being diagnosed autistic in my 50s has been like being born again, with acceptance of myself for the first time in my life. I could so relate to every point you said. I am also asexual and have face blindness so I have been the victim of several sexual assaults in my lifetime. Knowing why I am the way I am is such a relief! It also explains why so many people I just "click" with are autistic. 😂

[@circleofroots]

I was told that poem was about me too, and I believed it totally, especially as I had the curl! Diagnosed a year ago, I'm 55 next month. My family accepted it to an extent but now we don't talk about 'it' 😢.

[@Jawesome1Shazam]

Oh man, monotropicism... that's why when I am in the middle of doing something and anyone comes up to remind of something I know I have to get done alter I am done doing what I am doing sends me into a rage and I have to lecture them: "I have to do one step at a time, do not cloud my mind with anything else, the gears will bind and I can't get anything done. ONE STEP AT A TIME, STOP TELLING ME ABOUT SOMETHING THAT'S A THOUSAND STEPS AWAY! I'LL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN I GET TO IT!!!!! JUST LET ME BE IN THE MOMENT AND FLOW, YOU ARE ONLY RUINING THAT!"

[@cnelson574]

I once spent an entire summer smiling at everyone. At the end of the summer; I went to the dentist because my teeth hurt. Yeah, turns out I wasn’t smiling so much as I was gritting my teeth.

[@Ghoulbum]

My ex-roommate was really bad and took advantage of me all the time because I thought they were my friend, and I wanted to be helpful to them and refrain from having any fights. So I often wouldn't bring up things they did that upset me or if they got huffy (which they often did) I wouldn't push issues, especially in regards to money since I paid for almost all the bills and half the rent and they didn't really pay for anything besides their half of the rent. Then they would claim I was mooching off them. It got really bad, and they wouldn't do their chores and even tried to lie and say they could evict me from our apartment, but I know a lot about renting laws and they just assumed I wouldn't know, even though we went to the same university and got the same degree and I even went on to get an M.A and they didn't. They tended to infantalize me and treat me like a child. Like I wasn't older and more experienced in life than them.

[@bobk4402]

Regarding the misunderstandings around minute 14, this really hit home.. I think I can accidently stare at people or be too nice and people get frightened away, when all I want is a friendly conversation. I'm getting better at being 'casual' though. Also, it helps to have all these examples because I've never really been sure what people are talking about when they use the word 'masking'

[@RambleMaven]

Is there a chance you could also do a video about thinking in memories if it’s true for you? I didn’t realize it was common for autistic folks to think this way until I heard someone I Abby’s Family (Abby From Love on the Spectrum). Initially when she was verbalizing things instead of saying she was mad she would say the memory of what she was doing or where she was. Her mom (with help from experts) basically connected all the instances she kept describing and realized she was mad in all of those moments was able to help her attach the word to use for how she was feeling. In a similar way, all of my humor is connected back to memories I’ve had. Every time I see a blue sky white fluffy clouds I hear ‘you’ve got a friend in me’ and see the Toy Story wallpaper in my mind. When people speak I’m often thrown back into a song that’s phrasing may have been similar or a quote from a movie. Etc. (there is more but it’s a lot lol) There is a theory floating around that a lot of the autistic experience may be linking what we are experiencing in the moment to the past or our memories. Which obviously allistic people do as well but not to the same degree because they tend to be able to be in the moment more presently and not as in their head? I was wondering if you had any thoughts on this topic! Great video btw!

[@aonain09]

Watch ‘Dana Andersen - How autistic people THINK’ - it’s exactly what your talking about here

[@clicheguevara5282]

I relate to this a lot. Abbey also talks about how she “thinks in categories”. I do too. My brain is constantly making connections between things that aren’t necessarily connected in an obvious way. That’s where a lot of my humor comes from too. I’m able to very quickly make jokes or references about any given situation because it reminds me of previous situations - just like you do with Toy Story.

[@aonain09]

‘Dana Andersen - How autistic people THINK’ - explaining this topic

[@cynthiabrown5456]

It's so funny you mentioned this.I'd love to see a video on that, too. I JUST saw another video about this, and didn't know it was in any way related to autism. I used to think of time as more circular than linear, if that makes sense. I still do in a way. And, I experience it in a way that's a bit loopy. At some point, when I ended up in DBT (which was actually incredibly helpful for depression & other things. I learned emotion regulation, got clean , learned a lot of communication skills & getting my behaviors to match better with my goals, & fixed a lot of internal problems). DBT is kind of like CBT where you kind of can rewire certain thought patterns that are like, harmful. So, for me, unfortunately, my loopy memories that came up were often extremely negative and stressful. It was contributing to severe depression & burnout and the pathways were like... hellish. Some loops I had to kind of get out of. But, what was cool, is that the positive memory loops or associations still hold. I remember loved ones & good memories that help me enjoy life. I thought it was cool that the bad memories (mostly) if they surface, I can shove off. The best thing that helps in those cases were mindfulness exercises or a grounding exercises. I still use them if I get "bad memory bombs" trying to drop in. But the good ones, I enjoy and they enrich my life.

[@Wildmuseportal]

Relate to this a lot!

[@EWeatherwax]

I used to have people taking advantage of me because I’d be stuck in people-pleasing mode, but they’d at some point trigger demand- avoidance in me and I’d shut it all down.

[@sarahvanburen7819]

I'm an autistic education major who volunteers at a kindergarten class, and I'm noticing how much I mask when I'm around those kids, even though I genuinely do enjoy interacting with young people. Like you said in your video, I've gotten so used to being agreeable, ignoring my own desires, and submitting to the authority of other people that I feel like I'm always in the wrong and I can't say no to people... which, you can see how that's going to be a problem if you want to be a teacher, or any kind of leader!! I feel like I can't tell any of the kids to stop doing things that are disruptive or disrespectful because I'm so used to practicing a fawning response. I'm starting to realize that if I want to be an education leader, I need the mask off very badly, but I don't have any idea how to go about doing that at all. I feel like advice that might work for other teachers might not work for me, and I've come across so few autistic teachers that I don't know who to turn to for advice. Are there any other autistic educators, leaders, people in charge, even parents, perhaps? How are you able to let go of this tendency to neglect your own needs, so that you are able to address and correct harmful behavior in children that needs correcting? I think that we need more autistic educators in the world, and my experiences give me a unique perspective both in the educational industry and in the autistic community. But sometimes it feels like it's impossible for me to even try to be an educator due to my social differences and difficulties. Am I the only one who feels something like this?

[@eldritchtourist]

Hi! I'm an autistic assistant art teacher!!! I go to schools for an after-school enrichment class and am not a teacher that is constantly at any of them, so like you, I'm a bit more of a "volunteer". I actually find kids really easy to loosen up around because 1. Many autistic traits are traits children find totally normal and do all the time, and 2. Other traits they'll actually assume are just "because you're an adult". Like, they ALREADY find you weird and alien and silly because you're an adult and all adults are that way to them, but they also know they have to listen to you if you're firm with them. Firm but compassionate is my go-to. You absolutely do NOT need to perform for younger children. Older kids will be a bit rude but they're rude to everyone and will only be ruder to you if you act like you care what you think, so I think masking is seriously counterproductive with making them behave. Let me know if you have any questions about any of that, I don't often see something where it's like "oh wait I'm actually capable of talking about this".

[@eldritchtourist]

As for taking off the mask and not fawning-- I think you need to consider what's good for the children, what they need. They need boundaries. It's good for them. They're not heavily emotionally invested in acting naughty, this isn't a part of their ego, social role, personality, this is just like a puppy or kitten biting you too hard. Puppies and kittens have to play with other puppies and kittens and listen to each other yelp to learn how to not hurt each other! These kiddos are in the same place, developmentally! They're experimenting and playing and figuring things out and, while they might get annoyed in the moment when chastised, as long as you're FAIR and do your best to explain things and invite them to see it from kind places (you shouldn't break this toy because then you and others won't be able to use it, that cost money and is hard to replace, it's not fair, you wouldn't want someone to do that with your things, etc etc) I think they're actually hungry for this kind of lesson. It's important and enriching for them to be taught these things in a thoughtful way. As long as you don't come at it with cruelty or while refusing to explain anything, you're doing them a favor.

[@eldritchtourist]

Another thing to consider as a reason to not be passive and fawn, is that the quieter softer children in your classes will seriously appreciate it when you gently keep the troublemakers from getting too rough and entitled. If something is bothering you it's probably bothering some of the other kids, too. I was that kid myself when I was young, in classrooms where teachers let kids get away with stuff, and it was always unpleasant because I lacked the authority to stand up to them myself but a teacher would've had that authority.

[@eldritchtourist]

One more piece of advice if you feel bad about scolding them is to try when possible to redirect and not simply shut down. When a kid's being rowdy it's usually because they're bored and understimulated and looking for something to do, and the game they happen to make up is just unproductive, but could absolutely be shifted into a more productive direction.

[@tessdevenney3178]

I'm an autistic teacher who taught 3rd grade and the best way I found to let go of neglecting my own needs was to voice to the class when I started feeling that way. Saying "I'm getting overwhelmed because of the noise in here", "I need to take a movement break", etc. was so helpful. Also I've found that working with younger kids makes me fawn/mask/neglect my needs. I watch 2 year olds now and spend my days stimming :)

[@neonlimejuice]

I used alcohol to cover the burnout feeling of masking all day and I just wanted people to see "real" unmasked me and also alcohol gives a solid excuse for missing social cues or my physical clumsiness. Also alcohol numbs the motor functions and reduced my desire to stim or made stimming difficult so I wouldn't standout...

[@BrickNewton]

I've used weed in the same way. Can blame it for being weird, oh he's just stoned. But at this point I'm not sure if I can take that mask off in public.

[@kingrix]

I had a breakdown a few years ago that started the journey to my diagnosis last year. I'm still recovering from the mental and emotional burnout caused by decades of high masking, undiagnosed autism.

[@baileyplayz1844]

It’s so hard the cycle thing is so relatable and I’m in the middle of the isolation from people part and slowly going back into I want them to like me. No one believes that I’m autistic anymore all because I used to mask very well(still sadly do out of habit) and now that I’m trying to be myself more often and showing my true self they are weirded out and think I’m making it all up all because I watch videos like yours it is so sad and I become super depressed because of them not believing me because “I’m too smart to be autistic” like whatever the heck that means

[@lancewalker2595]

It means you're smarter than boys who aren't capable of "masking". Congrats.

[@stevenwarner9156]

This a very important video. I didn't get diagnosed until I was 30, and started masking heavily when I got to secondary school in an attempt to fit. In my twenties I went to a kind of college in abroad to study songwriting on a fairly relaxed course in terms of academics. But, I was burning out from all the socialising through living in dorms. All I knew was that I was ill and anxious all the time, and it's only in my thirties that it all makes sense. I was actually incredibly popular at the college, and the only thing people really noticed was my being ill all the time. You can't judge a person based on their ability to mask, and masking can end up creating worse problems than the ones your masking is intended to manage. Definitely always look for balance if you feel you need to mask.

[@Autisticheather]

The aftermath of masking has always been the hardest on me. Im confused and disoriented, and don't know who I am. It takes a long time to get myself back and ask along the way I'm so mad at myself for losing myself so easily, EVERY TIME, no matter how many years I've been fighting this. I'm 54. It's gotten to the point that I avoid people who I know will trigger my masking because I don't want to deal with the aftermath. I don't want to lose myself again. And then hating myself for it.

[@JoeJoeTater]

7:22 Holy shit, I feel so seen... I've identified this cycle in my own life, and it's a HUGE struggle. Every 2 or 3 years, I burn out and have to rebuild my life.

[@thibaultgras5854]

My favourite "mask" is my camera. It has enabled to get into highly social situation (concerts, festivals...) And move around freely without seeming weird. Turns out it was probably an autistic response to doing something i like (meeting people, live music) that did before being diagnosed

[@robertj6182]

When you said that about being too nice to people and not always wanting to it made me well up. That's all too real to me. I have been abused since I was 3 years old by so many people and in so many ways. Really, with my recent gained understanding of autism and realizing that that is that freaking word I never knew was what it was to describe the thing that Fs me up all the time (Heavy is that revelation) there were even more abusers than I realized. I'm a 41 year old gruff looking guy that always looks mad and pretty much stays quiet. All the while my brain screams. I've battled with substance abuse in the past. I have since let those vices go. I appreciate your content Megan. I owe you a long email.

[@AmarisFrede]

Hi Robert, I hope you have kind people around you now, and are able to heal. I feel for you. You describing yourself (gruff looking, quiet, while the brain screams) really hurts to read, I feel like I've felt that too. I wish I could hug you, or do something else to give you calm. I wish you all the love and respect from people, because you deserve it! ❤‍🩹🫂

[@robertj6182]

Hello Amaris, Your comment made me smile a tear up. I’d take that hug, probably have a breakdown and want to talk way too much. I don’t have much support. Anyone I’ve tried to confide in absolutely doesn’t understand. Their feeble little NT brains think telling me nothing wrong with me is somehow helpful. I’ve been suppressing and internalizing so much and have learned to mask so hard that I honestly don’t even know who I am. I’ve come to realize I masked even when I was alone because I so badly just wanted to be “normal”. I could go on for ages. Anyway, Amaris, thank you. You really made my day. Knowing someone on the earth gave a darn for a bit brings me some happiness. I hope you have a wonderful day. If you ever find yourself near St Louis MO, and the universe crosses our paths, that hug would be most welcome. 🙂

[@etcwhatever]

Sometimes people take advantage of kindness. Being overly helpful is 50% me 50% mask. Not being able to say no lead me to a severe burnout. Which lead me to start the assessment for autism. Now i start to realize how much i was taken advantage of. Especially in friendships and work. I forgive them because i believe God. But im learning how to be myself and to not be walked on. If i get bad reactions so be it. Ive been bullied a lot growing up and even on my 1st job...so i dont care anymore. I hope you can somehow repair the damage and hurt in your heart and mind. That we rewire the anxious and negative reactions and mask less. Wish you the best.

[@jamieholmes6087]

We have very similar lives. Stay strong.

[@_ariudite_]

The way I sobbed through this whole video. Living as an autistic person my whole life but not knowing until a few years ago has been a lot. Having you to help me validate the parts of myself I've been hating for 40 years is such a blessing. Thank you so much for doing this. I am so much kinder to myself since finding your channel.

[@FraTac]

I got 141 on the CAT-Q. I tend to mask a lot when I'm in public (even at work where all my coworkers and boss knows I'm on the spectrum, heck the boss even has an autistic son and he's my biggest supporter but I still can't go there without masking) but I stim a lot at home. My parents are well used to my stimming (I think they both are undiagnosed autistic, especially my dad) so when I'm at their home, or in my apartment, I can stim all I want. But I hate that every time I leave my house I have to mask that heavily, it's exhausting...

[@Beckyg1016]

I SO related with what you said about how hard it is to unmask or 'come out as autistic' to people - especially at work. I work on a corporate learning & development team and we mainly teach behavioral and leadership skills. My autism makes me very good at the technical and logistical parts of my job and because I understand the content and can teach these behavioral skills, some people on my team have a hard time believing I struggle with this stuff. I've tried to explain that the REASON I understand the content we teach is because I've spent SO MUCH time studying human behavior in an attempt to mask effectively. I know what "empathic listening" looks like, I know how to mirror high-trust behaviors, I know the right words to say and the right way to position my body because I've spent YEARS memorizing all of those things to try and "look normal"

[@ZSchrink]

The data about the CAT-Q and scoring over 125 is a bit of a bummer, but not terribly unexpected I suppose. The quote about the "constructed self" excelling and the true self withering is also so sad, but I love that quote.

[@belltowercollective7821]

Mate Crime... That term just unlocked a freeze response I've been holding since 2018. Even struggled to believe I was a good person truly. Now I am confident I'm Good, I was right, and I didn't deserve what happened. Friends, it happens, we CAN Heal!

[@bluezeffer417]

Just how do I deal with removing the mask when it's become the only thing I know?

[@urseliusurgel4365]

As per my other post here, I think that the concept of unmasking is not useful for some autistic people and that a perceived pressure to unmask can be counterproductive. I wouldn't know how to go about unmasking, and masking in and of itself does not cause me distress. Since diagnosis (very, very late) I have just been kinder to myself. I now know that my social and sensory limitations are real, and I do not force myself to live up to neurotypical standards. I know that I am a strong person, because I cope with problems on a day-to-day basis that do not exist for neurotypical people.

[@ClaraDarko]

​@@urseliusurgel4365 I think that's very wise.

[@arianewinter4266]

Carefuly and Just looking what feels good or Not. Watch yourself whatever you do Something cause IT makes you Happy or IS authentic to you, of If you do IT to BE normal and please Others. Where you want to die Something but Tell yourself No cause what would Others think

[@arianewinter4266]

​@@urseliusurgel4365i feel Like you kinda compleatly Miss the Point of unmasking, you seem to See IT AS adding enother Mask but this time imitating Other autistic people to "Look"autistic instead of Just looking for what IS authentic to yourself, which IS basically being Kinder to yourself, allowing yourself to act or feel in a certain way that IS Just you, Not Something you force yourself to preform to Match someones expectations

[@mossy_brickens]

When you try to do things you actually end up liking, you have different reactions to them inside you. It's like when you have no hobbies, but you want to have one, so you go and try random stuff until something genuinely clicks. You can't just magically know who you are, no one can. But you can explore yourself. You just do it later in life than unmasked people. I usually see this as my younger self protected herself from hostile world around by putting on some armour, but she's still there, she's still herself inside. I like to hold onto some tiny things from childhood that felt like LIFE, fulfilling, genuinely resonating. I don't think about masking or unmasking. I think about how great it was in that one tiny memory fragment, when I saw these autumn leaves and was fascinated. I might use language like "they're good visual stimulation" but it's not what experiencing fascinating things feels like. And there's going to be grief and bursts of suppressed emotions sometimes. Try to find what gives you the feeling of fulfilment, of you living YOUR life, don't think about masking right in the process of trying things. Masking is not that much about putting on something fake as it is about stopping yourself from things you genuinely enjoy or genuinely care about.

[@j.b.4340]

4:29…my CAT-Q, 137. I didn’t even realize I was camouflaging/masking. I have an excess of anxiety, but it’s always been there, and thought everyone had it.

[@el-is-odd]

Asking people for advice here. I am 21 and an assistant manager of a bakery. I have an apartment with my boyfriend, dog, and axolotl. As I'm getting into adulthood I'm noticing that im not able to keep up, im always exhausted and scared. Every time I research I find more proof that im autistic and it terrifies me. I am reaching a breaking point where something needs to give but I cant validate my feelings enough to let myself make a change for the better. What do I do?

[@jamieholmes6087]

@el-is-odd, get a diagnosis.

[@user-il9ij5wx3n]

Hi, hope you’re doing okay. I agree you should try to get a diagnosis if you can. Either way it’s important to find someone to support you before you burn out. Maybe a family member, a close friend or your boyfriend. Ideally you would also find someone to listen to you talk about your experiences and validate you. Do your best to listen to your own feelings and respect your own boundaries, but accept that it will be hard for you. Your internal experience of being at your limit and needing a change is valid, no matter what diagnosis you might have or not have. Still it would be helpful to know, but it’s okay to feel the way you feel no matter what. That’s just my two cents from personal experience. I wish you all the unconditional acceptance and support you need!

[@el-is-odd]

@user-il9ij5wx3n 😢 thank you. I really needed to hear that haha. I dont have really any family or friends but since I commented I stepped down as manager and I'm on a list to be diagnosed. Thank you for your kindness ❤️

[@cw2010]

I don’t know how to stop masking

[@jamesmcdougal2]

It's better for you to fit in. You will get othered if you stop and try to push your way on others. Of course set solid boundaries for people because some people get off on pushing them

[@BlackSheepNara]

@@jamesmcdougal2hmmm…how about NO.

[@arianewinter4266]

​@@jamesmcdougal2what IS wrong with you?! Funny how you comolain about forcing Something on Others while doing exact that?! How IS being allowed to BE yourself forcing IT upon Others?! There are No Others doing the otherising, you personally do that!!! You activly Tell people they are wrong If they are Not cockie cuter perfect an immitation of a "normal" that does Not exist. If IT where Not for people Like you, masking would Not BE needed cause Go figure everyone diverges from the average!!!

[@arianewinter4266]

​@@jamesmcdougal2thats a one way Trip to Burnout Depression and worse. Thanks for giving advice that makes people miserable

[@jamesmcdougal2]

@@arianewinter4266Yes, it can. Set boundaries and give yourself the time you need to recover. You can't control other people, you can only adapt how you deal with them. Frankly, most people don't care about our problems. They have their own problems to deal with

[@CalebFromToes]

I used to always journal about how "no one knows my real self". Little did I know I was just masking

[@brook.53]

I believe that I’m autistic and have recently realized that I’ve been EXTREMELY masking my whole life. Recently I’ve started unmasking, mostly with stimming more (especially flapping my hands). It’s been three days and I’ve already faced extreme backlash from my peers and I plan to re-mask. TW: sh ⬇️ I believe that masking my whole life has led to my mental health issues. Whenever I’d do something “weird” or “annoying”, even if no one else thought it was weird or annoying, I would cut myself. I was clean for about a month, but very recently I did relapse (most likely due to me unmasking and then finding myself annoying/obnoxious). If you are ever thinking about cutting… don’t. It’s addicting, it’s terrible, PLEASE never do it, it’s not worth it. If I mask I feel like I’m not being myself and changing myself around every single person, which makes me want to cut. If I don’t mask I feel like I’m being way too weird, annoying, and obnoxious, and I want to cut. No matter what I usually end up relapsing, so PLEASE never ever start cutting. I started harming myself when I was 12

[@Joel2deep]

I was diagnosed around my 2nd birthday. Nonverbal, was a very sickly toddler and had multiple allergies. I have been masking for almost 2 1/2 decades to the point I forget I'll actually always have it and walk through life no matter how old, rich or successful I end up. It's all about how you deal with it's and it's just having respect for people who might be different than you. We are just tired of being treated like outcasts and being mocked that's all

[@ohmmaggotz9967]

What sucks for me as an undiagnosed autistic is that now that I'm in college, I find it a lot hard to socialize with others, especially when I went in without knowing anyone. It got to a point where I was doing so poorly in school that I broke down in front of my parents, they were aware that I'd been having trouble making new friends other than the small group I had last year as a freshman. I expressed that I don't want people to think I'm weird and since my dad works on campus, he intended to reassure me by saying that everyone is weird at my school. I understand what he was trying to get at and although I don't know what it's like for everyone else at my school, I don't think it's a normal occurrence to feel like you don't fit in to the extent of breaking down and crying.

[@chinmeysway]

i feel that. but it’s true - nobody all the way fits in with others magically. it’s why ppl adjust themselves to some degree behaviorally. our species is super adaptable. careful w the A word too - it’s pretty theoretical even if doctors have degrees. it can be pretty divisive to thinking that neurology fits into just a couple categories. not to be splainy. there’s already a lot of that on YT and it’s just mostly contentainment. it takes time but you’ll find ppl who like the supposed weird (interesting) parts about you. meanwhile maybe fitting in is again, also pretty theoretical and not always useful as cliques are limiting. it can be like behavioral echo chambers which lends itself to myopic group-think. but yes we all need 3-D community connection. good luck to ya in college etc.

[@rochelleesser7961]

5:38 OMG, yes! When I began my ASD discovery journey I was talking to a friend about it and she was like, "NO, you're not autistic! I know someone who's autistic and YOU don't act like they do!" I was so angry with her that I shut her out of my mind as being a friend for a while and didn't talk to her at all until I could show her how wrong she had been.

[@tjzambonischwartz]

My CAT-Q score is 147. Catastrophically high with all the crap that comes with it. It's a terrible way to live.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

never heard of a CAT-Q score....

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

The Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire (CAT-Q)

[@tjzambonischwartz]

@@gothboschincarnate3931 it's literally talked about in the video.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

156 on CAT-Q, and I can’t remember NOT having anxiety… Also, nice user name 😉

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

at 4:26. I was resting while this was playing. goes to show how often I go away...zone out. I usually go into meditation at such times. come back a few minutes later. im gonna take that test and see what my score is.

[@TheWilliamHoganExperience]

I've been experimenting with unmasking and upfront disclosure for two years now. The results are decidedly mixed. I've decided to try strategic masking in social situations with strangers (like scripted small talk, deliberate eye contact, not doing obvious stims etc) as way to avoid freaking people out and "othering" myself more than I'm already othered by autistic traits I have no control over / awareness of. I'm hoping that this will reduce the stress of these situations, and gain the goodwill and cooperation of more neurotypical people than my previous strategy, or the instinctual masking I engaged in for 57 years as an involuntary unconscious survival strategy. It worked, for a while. At the cost of extreme anxiety and depression. In the end I suffered an emotional collapse that's lasted over a decade - one I'm still recovering from. Maybe strategic masking will work, maybe it wont, but I'm going to try. At least I'll be aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I don't like being alone and cut-off from 98% of people (or whatever the true prevalence of non-autistics is). Humans are not built for social isolation. I'm not as healthy or productive as when I feel connected - maybe. The last few years of isolation post diagnosis have been peaceful for me - but lonely. Disclosure, unmasking, and asserting my autistic identity has cost me several longtime friends I considered close, and that's been very difficult. Then again, not having these people in my life has opened up room for new and more accepting friends. I'm looking to thread the needle by finding the middle path. I try to live without regret, and the things I regret most over the last 59 years are the things I didn't do because of self doubt, shame, and especially, fear. I figure I can always withdraw again.

[@jojo-pk]

As someone who could pass as a native speaker were it not for my accent: the foreign language comparison is spot on. I am very comfortable in english speaking countries, I almost don't notice myself anymore which language im speaking - until I'm back home and everything is just easier. Masking is similar. I learned to use my masked persona to my benefit when needed (eg in professional settings or when I just dont want people to know me anyway) and I'm comfortable in my mask and outside. But it took a long time to get there and knowing why I am the way I am did help. While undiagnosed and clueless, I think going to a technical university to study physics may have been one of the best things to happen for my mental health. Sure the course load is tough and that was certainly stressful. But there was no competitiveness because there were fewer students than spots in courses and everyone was helping each other and just being supportive in general. That makes so much of a difference! As will come as a surprise to absolutely nobody, the student body has a high percentage of ND folks. Never again have I encountered the kind of radical acceptance of weirdness and mutual support (no matter how "stupid" the issue) as I have among physicists at university. I guess that had to do with most of us just being used to not fully understanding everyone else so we probably didn't really pick up on the exceptional weirdness of our fellow students ;-)

[@ushere5791]

re suicidal ideation, yeah, i too was 7 when i considered it. i would have waited til the parent's Rx bottle was newly refilled and then snuck down after bed and gulped down the whole thing. only two things stopped me: the thought of the unholy hell i would catch if i got caught before i could succeed, which would have been infinitely worse than succeeding, and the realization that it was a permanent solution to a very temporary problem if i could just stick things out until i could grow up and move out. so, yeah, kids--you'll have those thoughts, but please let them go. it will get better!

[@misterrcommenter]

I think I do mask even though I'm early diagnosed but there are some things I stopped caring about like some stims and letting silences fall in conversations. I kinda like the silence sometimes.

[@ccrtelevision]

You can include me in the ideation statistic as well, but thanks to finding your channel I hope to never feel that way again. Your 9 signs video helped me discover my autism at 25, and it's harrowing to realize that this world was not built with someone like me in mind this entire time, and my hunches of feeling alien were correct. Had I continued my life not knowing what was "wrong" with me, I could've genuinely gone down the wrong path. This has been the most freeing point of my life so far, but also incredibly daunting because my bad childhood memories now hurt even more than when they happened in real time. I'm deciding to stop masking to the best of my ability because it helps no one for me to accept myself, but still perpetuate behaviors I was bullied into having. This time I'm going to be brave. Thank you so much for sharing your story, you've changed my life and I can't imagine how many others :)

[@desertdarlene]

Yeah, I got the "you're the only one who hears/smells that" or "you're the only one with a problem." my whole life. I also got the "you don't smile" enough from just about everyone. I really don't think I smile more or less than anyone else, but it got pointed out in almost every social situation or at work. People also get angry with me in most of the social interactions I have, and I've been told that I am ALWAYS in the wrong (not the jerks I interacted with).

[@realityisnotwhatyouthinkitis]

I'm getting to a point where I am trying to slowly unmask myself. So it's hard because sometimes when I just let myself be me I feel like I'm drawing attention to myself. Which in turn makes it hard to be myself in public

[@ChrysSpecter]

159 on the CAT-Q, no wonder I'm also Dx with Major Depression and am covered in self harm scars. Thanks, psychology of the 1990’s.

[@calidabrisadeverano]

I scored 149. Well at least we can be depressed masking buddies.

[@ChrysSpecter]

@@calidabrisadeverano I'll grab the lactose free ice cream 😞

[@Lampe2020]

3:46 I can fully relate to that, I have a real problem with that sometimes. For me, if I'm not satisfied with the outcome of a situation or how it went (doesn't even have to be own experience, reading/hearing about it can be enough) that situation sits in my head and I go over it hundreds of times until I have in my head the perfect version of that situation. And I recently got into a kind-of awkward situation when we worked in groups of four in class and we were done with the obligatory task. Two of my group just went silent and the other group member asked if we should do the second dask also, but because she had the leading role in my mental model (for me it's either I have to steer the situation or I follow whoever takes the initiative). So when she looked at me as if to ask "What do you think?" I just blankly looked back at her for a few seconds until my tired brain (I hadn't slept well the night before) realized that I was supposed to say something. Later that afternoon, when I was done with everything and my mind had time to think about it again the situation just got stuck in my head and I was internally shouting at myself "How do you dare create an uncomfortable situation for her?" an similar things. So half an hour before midnight I sent her a text message over our learning platform and told her that the thought of having created an uncomfortable situation for her didn't let go of me and that I wanted to apologize if I actually did. The next morning I get a notification on my phone that she answered, and she said that everyone sometimes gets into awkward situations and that it's no big deal. So I was getting mad at me for nothing XD

[@stripey7303]

I can't remember ever being a people pleaser, but I still seem to have a good number of people who like me. It probably helped to have parents who were radicals and were friends with hippies, so I got the message that being different wasn't automatically bad.

[@Ethereal_Dreams_]

I’m 19 and have masked pretty much my entire life, growing up undiagnosed due to lack of information of autism in my family. My masking got the most intense during high school (specifically before I started heavily researching autism) and it caused mental health issues that were really hard to deal with. It caused me to feel as if I wasn’t a real person, feeling like a husk of a person, and that I didn’t have a personality. I remember hating myself because I felt that way and all I could ask was why? Why am I like this? Why am I so boring? I felt as though all my relationships/friendships at the time didn’t actually like me and would leave me at a moments notice. This was by far the absolute lowest point of my life. Since then I have been working on masking less and, although it’s been difficult, I am making progress and feeling better about myself.

[@johnfsenpai]

The positive social drinking experiences are also relatable to me. One thing I noticed is that being drunk makes me feel like I do things before deciding to do them, I wonder if it is because I usually overthink about my behaviour.

[@markb4790]

I'm absolutely not saying drugs and alcohol are the best ways to manage autistic symptoms but I have drank and used drugs since I was a teenager (I'm 40 now). I think it definately does help me not over think and helps me be ok with just being me. I smoke weed alot more than I drink now because I view it as much healthier and safer but I think alot of us, especially those who were not diagnosed as children and had to find our own ways to deal do get benefits from it. however there can also be very bad consequences that come from it. I'm not telling anyone to start using drugs or drinking, I'm just saying it can be easier for people with autism and other nuerodivergence to fall into substance abuse because of it

[@MatthewMuhammad]

First

[@captmalingering]

I’m 36, still waiting on my ASD evaluation with insane wait lists and psychiatrist confirmed the ADHD earlier today (although I was diagnosed in 1993) and masking for as long as I can remember and have attempted suicide 8 times since the age of 15. I had my child solo at 31 after being ghosted and I leaned heavily on my parents and siblings for support. A couple weeks after I had my baby I had my first postpartum depression meltdown and shouted “get it away from me” to whichever parent could get to her first because I couldn’t handle anymore crying baby. My mom took her and my dad proceeded to tell me what a bad mother I am and that I should sign my baby over to them and leave forever because she’d be better off with me gone. Something he’d do at least once a month for the next 4 years and I genuinely believed him before I had enough of the bullying one day and thwacked the back sides of my fingers on his upper arm in self defence. The story of my first ever arrest aside, I allowed him to bully me and tear me down, convince me that I’m a bad mom when I’m not. I had to be told by a therapist and the man I was seeing (who is a STAR of a parent) that it was abuse and validating me in my motherhood, abilities and strengths for the first time ever. Next we tackle the CPTSD!

[@marknugent9851]

'Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.' - French philosopher Albert Camus I like to have this quote on my wall as a reminder. Stay safe and happy folks.

[@Autistic_Goblin]

There are almost zero KZbinrs whose videos I let play through the credits and outro, but your outro music is so groovy and chill I want it to last longer!

[@Meowch3]

It's remarkable how much the past-me relates to the social troubles of autistic people. Feeling disconnected from others and from the world, wanting to be liked, fawning and people-pleasing, pretending to be "normal," trying to keep up my persona of the "nice shy girl," etc. Social situations were exhausting and I would need days to recharge. I loved being alone and thought I was just naturally introverted. Turns out I had CPTSD and didn't realize it until my 30s. I was always under the impression that while my childhood wasn't perfect, it was still good because my parents loved me. Years of self-therapy and learning what "healthy" looks like brought me out of it. Looking back, I now know I felt disconnected from others because I was still immature, never having fully developed an authentic self due to being severely disconnected from my emotions. I was repressing them like crazy because that's what I had unconsciously been brought up to do. The irony is that I thought I knew myself best because I would journal and introspect so much. I thought that was the "real me." Not even close. You'll never see me at a party, but I enjoy socializing now. Still, I empathize with people who have to mask. I know it's not the same, as autistic people do already have a strong sense of self and know exactly who they are. But it was the worst feeling in the world when I thought my real self was something I had to hide.

[@ranc1977]

You just described everything that bothered my about social anxiety that I could not find words for - you nailed it in laser sharp detail.

[@loganskiwyse7823]

One of the first so called therapists I encountered as I got diagnosed at 53, the very person giving me the test, told me that "if you get good enough to hide your symptoms you can be delisted as being autistic and considered cured". She got fired by me soon after I got my diagnosis due to this. I have also (last) encountered therapists that told me "If you believe in god that will help". One of the first things I told her was I have been atheist since my teens. She got fired by me, in the process of filing a complaint with the ethics board. I no longer have a desire to speak with therapists as a result. I should add, there is not a day that goes by where I do not wish to have not woken up.

[@chocoboko123]

This is a truly genuine question from someone who thinks I may be autistic: The thing you explain about social situations feeling chaotic, having to process a bunch of things at once (eye contact, pace, response, paying attention to what they're actually saying) and then going over the interaction again and again later to assess what could have been improved on... is this something not everyone does? Are there people in the world who don't experience conversations like that? What does that feel like?

[@MatthewMuhammad]

This is a great video. I feel like I have been masking for most of my life. I have my assessments coming up soon, and I am both excited and nervous. I know what you mean about stimming sometimes producing euphoria. My favorite was unconsciously spinning while listening to music that I really loved. I mostly did that in my room, so I guess I had an inkling that this wouldn't be acceptable to other people. But I wouldn't realize I was doing it until I was already doing it for a few seconds. Unfortunately, I progressively stopped doing it over time, and I think it only happens a few times a year now. But I remember how *good* that made me feel.

[@zumaone3692]

Great video Meg, thank you for putting it together for us. Also, I loved the penguins, they made laugh they are so cute!

[@BigArt1970]

Your videos have pointed me in the right direction and I'm on my way to getting my diagnosis soon. Thank you! ❤

[@kira5612]

I have only just started the video and have been reading the comments and I just wanted to say this video really made my day. I was at work feeling overwhelmed and I have been feeling a bit in shock at finding out I may be autistic ( because it’s like I’m seeing my past and present self completely different). These videos and this community helped me take the steps in doing my own tests and looking at books ( I just bought Chloe Hayden’s book recently) it feels like such a long road ahead of me and I felt a bit discouraged being 30 and only now beginning to find answers but I find so much comfort and feel like I’m seen within this community so thank you to everyone ( also sorry for such a long comment!)

[@foodisscarce]

hello! i was recently diagnosed with autism (just last thursday) and i discovered your channel a short bit before that. i feel that your videos have helped me understand myself a lot more since my diagnosis and also just feel a lot happier than i had previously. i let myself just stim for the first time last night without stopping myself and i don't know why but i just felt so happy and free in a way i really haven't felt before. your videos are very helpful and i am very grateful for them :) thank you so much, i wish you the best

[@cindalynns]

I admit that I haven’t watched this video yet, but I saw that you just posted it and wanted to say this: I am SO glad that I found your videos. I have watched probably 5 or more since yesterday (I’m just finding out-yes, through self-diagnosis-that I am autistic), and I feel like you are perfectly describing my entire life experience. I can’t even describe how much of a relief it is to know that I’m not the only one out there that is struggling with these things! It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I’m autistic because of the stigma behind it, but at the same time I finally feel like there is an explanation for why I am the way that I am, and that I have some hope. So thank you. I’m learning so much about myself just from these videos. ❤