Avoidant Personality Disorder vs. Individuality and Identity

A vlog describing my personal experience with Avoidant Personality Disorder and struggling with my identity and individuality in response to the disorder.
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[@DrKnorr]

"I could be living a totally different life right now if it wasn’t for just mean kids”. Wow. I think this very sentence sums it up perfectly. I wish it would be possible to keep in mind, that it was just “mean kids” which didn’t know any better. I really do. And I wish that as an adult, we could understand that bullying or whatever traumatic experiences we lived through in the past isn’t a real danger in our adulthood anymore (and that our current fears are just echoes from that time). I really wish we could let go of early events and start over fresh as an adult.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

So so true. Every time I'm in a social situation, I feel 13 again. It's so sad to me that my poor little kid brain was so deeply affected by those moments that it swore to try to protect me from them for the rest of my life- through avoidance. 😫

[@mdrmdr944]

I don't know if I have avpd and I really don't want to self diagnose but I completely relate to this and maybe the fact this is my 5th attempt writing a comment that will legit probably not get seen cause I'm scared of coming off like it's a vie for attention. Just, it feels kind of nice to not only find something that sounds on paper what I'm going through but also find someone who I can relate with expirences I haven't even fully talked to my therapist about. Thank you for making these videos.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Putting yourself out there is the hardest thing to do. But it makes my day to know that my experience resonates with others and I'm happy to make these videos to make you feel less alone, because whether or not you ever get a diagnosis, this is a very lonely way to feel. ❤ Thank you so much for commenting!!

[@Vardetettvalhelatiden]

>constant inner battle between wanting to express myself unapologetically and then instantly regretting putting myself out there and making a scene ( 16:58 ) perfectly put, same feel here, thanks

[@markbasmajian6241]

I was surprised to hear that, according to one psychologist, we avoidants play a lot of games with people. One example he gave was "i'm so into you...not really" or "I'm really impressed by you.. not really" etc. Also that we have a vague air of superiority over others. I think a lot of this is trying to overcompensate for the severe avoidance issues I have but it did make me think about how I am interacting with people.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Wow, very true for me personally, and fascinating. Definitely something to keep in mind.

[@markbasmajian6241]

Definitely hit home with me too!

[@HKalamar]

I wonder how much of this sense of superiority may stem from deep rooted feelings of inadequacy that makes it (in the avoidant’s mind) impossible for others to ever understand them. So connection may not seem achievable from this perspective 🤔 could feeling like one is better be a cope? And how good or bad of a cope would it be? The playing games part could be accurate for multiple personality disorders, not exclusively to AVP imo

[@markbasmajian6241]

@@HKalamar I think it could be a coping mechanism. The key point, for me, is that it can cause others to want even less to do with us. This is not to say you need to completely change how you behave around others, just be aware that it can be part of the disorder.

[@ladybaabaa3294]

The "I really like you" part is how we really feel, and the "...not really" is our instant flippantly backing off to avoid potential rejection.

[@andrewrodriguez7465]

I have no idea who or what I am suppose to be. I change personalities daily and whatever my surroundings are. I feel like an actor in this movie called Earth. Nobody gets me not even myself. Iure people in at the same time I push people away. I feel like I will never know and meet the real me. I am just walking around in this so called person suit..

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I could have written this! ❤️

[@nigelh84]

I also was heavily bullied as a kid and felt like I lost who I was and changed and mold my self to please others or fit in. As a kid I was free spirited and liked to be cheeky and make people laugh I was then told to shut up and be quiet and threatened with violence by a group of bigger kids, I felt I was stifled and muted and was not able to express who I really was. 20 years later I am still trying to be me. Being 36 now I feel free to dress and express myself how I feel as strangers I don't mind. I think though if I were to actually meet people my self conscious thinking will come in to play. I think as well as individuality there are tribes and like minded people that tend to fit together, its all interesting to me. I think if I were to meet certain people I would chameleon into what they are interested in. I have been somewhat conditioned at this is how you blend in and not be cast out of the tribe. As for dating and relationships I am one of those people you mentioned that has never been on a date or had any relationship, I am amazed when I see people in relationships or hearing how people live together. It is so foreign to me. I think if I were to ever date I would be over the moon doing the basic things like going together to go shopping or snuggling in bed together. enjoy your videos, keep em coming!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I absolutely agree, I'm usually not too concerned about what strangers think but then as soon as I meet someone I'm obsessed with their perception. Also, although I've always been in relationships, they've also always been trauma bonds and not necessarily healthy. Thank you soo much for your comment!!

[@dumplingflatbread1919]

Thank you so much for putting yourself out there. It is not easy with that level of social anxiety. I have been diagnosed with avpd, and dependent traits. Live in enmeshed family. It is difficult living with the disorder. Have always had trouble with making friends and making things last. But seeing you and other people talk about their life gives me a sense of comfort that I am not alone.

[@RichardSmith-yl6wo]

Thank you...I like your videos 👍I like you 100%

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much!! ❤

[@bahutu802]

9:28 "It was just me trying to morph into what I thought their ideal person was". Those were or partly are exactly my thoughts and patterns! For me personally, this is not even restricted to intimate relationships, but it applies to almost everything. So, during childhood and adolescence, I always kind of tried to be the ideal son, in school I tried to fit into cliques and circles of friends, started to hear the same music as others, cultivated the same hobbies and so on. Also regarding society in general, I try to be sort of an ideal citizen and not to be too edgy so that nobody would criticize me for having weird attitudes or so. And at work, I try to be the perfect employee. Of course, all of this is quite impossible to achieve, as there are always several peer groups/peers in parallel, so it is simply not possible to please them all. So at times, I regularly switched roles on a daily or hourly basis... be like this at home, be like that with my friends, and yet another 'person' at work. To a certain degree this might be quite normal as we all behave differently with friends than with our boss. But for me it was always like indeed renouncing my very identity or personality. Luckily, I made some progress throughout the last years. I became a bit more confident in following my own desires and not caring too much about public opinions. But there are ups and downs. I had times when I more closely 'lived' my true self for a year or two, but then it collapsed again and I went back to morphing (or hiding). And another breakthrough... and another decompensation... Although this makes me a bit depressed sometimes, it is also a source for hope. Because in a way I know that I actually CAN embody my true self - when the right circumstances are given. I guess, meditation practice and sports always help me being more authentic and closer to my true self. But I can't manage to keep a regular routine. Hence the ups and downs... with a slight tendency towards the better :)

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I've had the same experience... I've had periods of feeling more "free" and more "myself" and then huge regressions of masking everywhere I went. Thank you so so much for the comments and sharing your experience. ❤ Means a lot every time I hear someone else feels this way too

[@atararosegreenfield5977]

okay I can totally relate to this. I have this dynamic too of wanting to express myself and fearing rejection... its a real struggle. always feeling like you can't completely be yourself because of fear of abandonment. I have always been alternative in my thinking and sometimes expressed it but lots of the time held myself back. im 33 and have alot of regrets of not always expressing myself completely... but im still working on myself and I have hope :)

[@mwwhatever]

You have a very calming presence. You're exactly the sort of person I'd love to have as a friend. Bullying is definitely a major cause of my severe depression and yeah, probably development of my AvPD as well. I've been called "Faggot" by a passing car in SF for example. I actually am gay, so not sure if that's worse than if I was straight or not

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you so much for all your heartfelt comments. I'm glad my channel can bring some comfort and community! ❤ That's the whole point.

[@cloudybird725]

In my school days my classmates hated me and bullied me without any reason that was the most depressing days of my life nobody was with me to cure my loneliness and anxiety my life was filled with toxic assholes who made my life miserable after that I turned more socially awkward and inept and start losing confidence within me remembering that phase of my life still gives me chills and nightmare 😩🥺😭

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I feel you 🥺 being bullied as a child absolutely changes the course of life and your personality as your little kid brain learns to try to protect itself. I'm sorry that happened to you too!

[@wearesurvivorsx]

i relate to many things you said. I always was already a shy/anxious kid and then i got bullied for 7 years and that contributed so much to it. i was always too anxious to date or thought i was to weird/horrible for someone to fall ever in love with me. and the sentence "It was jus me trying to morph into what i thought their ideal person was" i resonate with that. same as your video we need to talk about avoidant personality disorder. You articulate the things that are inside my mind or that are also happening to me so well.

[@Xernist]

I feel like there are still parts of a teenager inside me who never had the chance to simply be an edgy idiot (in a good trial-and-error way) living their life in order to build an authentic foundation to grow on from honest juvenile experiences. So now I feel even worse about it in my mid-to-late 20s as of now, society expects me to have my shit together. What makes it even more complicated is that I am non-binary (thanks pandemic) and all the questions about transitioning in various ways just make it harder for me to not think about what others might think. ("Am I even trans/queer? Is this just my repressed teenager trying to do their own finally?") Its hard am I gaslighting myself in the end? To leave this comment on a positive note: your videos really help me and surely others to not feel so alone and finally seen, thank you.

[@jenniferdragonfly88]

"The Fourest Four that ever Foured." - Maxine Schuldt

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

It's so true looool

[@paragoncumulus6636]

I'm a 4 and I completely know that inside I'm an edgy bad bitch too lol. My daughter, who knows me the best even tells me I'm edgy and a bad ass. Unfortunately, if I ever express that side of myself externally to the wider world I end up feeling judged. It's a constant battle to be myself and not care what others think while at the same time caring what others think! I think it's that I want to express myself but I don't actually want to draw attention to myself and those two goals conflict. For example, I would love to wear theatrical colourful clothing like cloaks and hats, but instead I end up wearing black all the time and telling myself that when I lose weight I will wear those things because they won't look so silly on a thin body. But in doing that, I feel like I'm hiding my true self and no one can know the real me. So how can I possibly make strong connections ? I do sometimes think that I might seem like a lesbian but that honestly doesn't bother me, since I've been getting a bit more interested in femisinist issues recently and find myself admiring many of the kick- ass lesbians I'm coming across who are unapologetically fighting for women's rights. I think that maybe admiring women for their character and actions, not their looks, is something helpful that I wish I had appreciated earlier in life. It's hard for me because I really love beautiful things but struggle very badly with not being one ( on the outside where everyone else can see it ).

[@ChicagoRailfan773]

She's an avoidant Goddess.

[@LauraSomeNumber]

I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years now but I can definitely see my Avoidant Personality Disorders in how many crushes I had before that and the fact that I was 22 before I had a relationship. My relationship also started at the point in my life where I felt the best about myself.

[@pingas469]

Gah, so relatable. I've been part of EXTREMELY niche subcultures since like middle school, which has made it really hard to relate to people. I've been completely submerged with all of these weird underground hobbies for so long that i don't even relate to or understand pop culture anymore. Combined with my shy personality and low self esteem it's kind of a mess lol.

[@squarepower178]

Can I ask you what subcultures and hobbies you are talking about? Sorry i'm just very curious 😅 only if you want obviously

[@pingas469]

@@squarepower178 Sure! for one, i'm really into underground, experimental music & i think i just have a completely different relationship with music than most people. I'm a super huge fan of the Dark Souls franchise, as well as some pretty weird anime (Neon Genesis Evangelion and Serial Experiments Lain), and in my experience it's pretty difficult to find people irl that even know what these things are. I know everyone's experience is different but i'd basically get treated like a weirdo if i tried to talk about this stuff to someone lol. There's some stuff i didn't mention, but in general, i think my life has been really different from what's considered 'normal', so i tend to gravitate to things that are more obscure and experimental. Because i can relate to it more i guess? And lately, idk. I almost feel like i use media to substitute my personality? I don't really have any other real hobbies besides drawing. it sucks.

[@atararosegreenfield5977]

thanks for this honest video , it really helped me understand myself more...

[@somejock4396]

Weird. I came out with as a huge 9 on that test.

[@skinnylegend-7330]

same

[@ekko_thr3324]

I know exactly what you mean. I can't narrow it down to any one thing but I do know that being bullied the way I was changed me in such a way that I would rather be alone. In spite of desperately wanting to be loved. Thank you for doing this. Watching your videos helps me not feel like I'm as weird as the anxiety makes me feel.

[@matthohe9800]

Saw my name is what I meant! I am drinking and so many times people (doctors, friends, or whatever) think that my problem is alcohol use/abuse. My drinking is a consequence of my problems. My psychiatrist agrees. But I can't be "fixed" in a 15 minute session every three months! My "shrink" is no slouch, he heads the department and we usually use the time talking about other things. We have talked about how some patients sit as far away as possible from him. How some patients will only take meds of a specific color. We talk about his elderly dad and my elderly mom. People that are his peers and there issues. And normal things. I think we could have a good conversation over a couple of beers if it were allowed. The yearly mandatory evaluating counselor that I used to see said that because he deals with so many people that are really messed up, it is probably comforting for him to deal with someone more grounded and aware, as I am. That it is a break for him! I hope nobody figures this out and ruins any careers! I alway say too much and that is a problem of mine! Honesty is not always the best policy. And so much more. I just really wish i could contact you talk or even text. But I dont think that this is how it works! I am sorry to even try to bother you. I really am drawn! Sorry

[@matthohe9800]

I am such a dork! I accept that. I just wish I could talk to someone whom might understand!

[@OMGrant]

"I definitely like dudes, unfortunately" cracked me up!

[@daphne1065]

I'm 29 and now discovering that I have APD. My thing is that I still dress like a teenager, have no work and I am very afraid to. I also always want to be edgy, but I never go all out. It sort of feels like a ridiculous ''invisible'' dress-up party. That is too subtle for anyone to notice but I totally feel like Kurt Cobain (or someone else I admire) walking down the streets. Only I am the version with no discipline or skill, because I never learned anything bc I am scared. Idk about you but I am hardcore gay-bait. These always end up flirting with me but I am definitely straight. I just like to look tough a little. But I am not. I am the softest, would carry a stranger with no legs to his destination. Even if he smells. I just want to help. And at the same time I want to be like super dark and stuff. Oh yea, and everyone is instantly above me. Last year I actually CHOSE two friends. I always went with the others in class who where like ''down the pecking order'' so I knew I would not get hurt. These self chosen friends are much better to have and it's a lot less flaky. And they genuinely help me. Still i find it hard to accept that they like me and I say sorry a lot according to them. Also I have ADHD and major depressive disorder and everything is coming out now. I've isolated and suffered alone for like 15 years. Pretending everything is fine. Now my family knows. I finally told them the truth. Now I'm finally seeing a therapist who wants to go deeper because I need more than schema therapy that I always half-assidly did, ofcourse. For me it's swimming of drowning.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Wow this is so very similar to my story too, I’m about to turn 28 but am also stuck in my grunge high school years and am constantly telling my gay sister that I feel like I’m queer-baiting because of how I dress hahahahaha

[@daphne1065]

@@anxious_and_avoidant Pffft I would really like to hang out with you. You seem soooo chill and understanding and I relate a lot!

[@muienanet4818]

Sorry for commenting later (just found your channel). I'm not sure if I have avpd but is for sure something I'll discuss with my therapist. I impressively identify with most parts of your video. I did not suffer bullying as a kid, but I assume this role was fulfilled by my family and our relationship (yeah, that sucks). I do see myself clearly having this duality you described. Even though I'm not the typical eccentric girl, I was still the 'crazy one' (doing what came to my mind), but much of what could come out of me was hidden (and still is). What gives me hope is identifying we don't want to conform and deal with these demons of avoiding stuff and instead, exposing ourselves to uncomfortable situations (and still being distinctively different from the norms). Anyway, thank you for this video, it is much appreciated!

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Thank you for commenting!! Yes every day (now that I’m back in school and literally forced to be social to an extent lol) I am practicing showing a little more of my true self… and sometimes it goes over great and sometimes it’s awkward and I’m working on not losing sleep over those times 😅 In becoming aware of these fear patterns in myself, I’m able to consciously CHOOSE to “prefer” being seen as weird or a loser to continuing to exhaust myself with constant performance.

[@muienanet4818]

@@anxious_and_avoidant exactly. Gosh, you don't know how happy I am now... being understood is good :3

[@peartfaldo]

You should check out Meg Myers. Start with Desire and NUmb. Shes awesome!!!!

[@ilinagjorgjievska450]

Ooooo, I'm so pleasantly surprised that you are mentioning the Eneagram! Wow. Great! I'm four too... (4/5) a strong 4/5 And Eneagram has helped me a lot, A LOT... it's really eye opening! As a painter, I'm aware that creativity helped me a lot, maybe it's my only way to handle all of this (beingness) Anyways, I'm glad that I found your channel. Thank you... 🙏

[@ilinagjorgjievska450]

I wrote ☝ that just when you mentioned enneagram. Now I wanna say more. Ohhh, I don't have Tiktok, and I don't have FB. Actually I deleted my FB account year ago. And it is soooo liberating, honestly... I have just instagram where I put my creative work and that is enough for me, by now. I keep my life very private, because I'm aware that people are very very very judgy. So only few precious ones can have access in my (real) world ... But it took me long time to come here... in my twenties I was literally very lost... But, now, at my almost 36, life looks much different. I still struggle with my avoidance and so on... but I'm learning to cope with it better and better. I feel you so much. Every single word... Yoga and meditation are also very helpful for me. Just to dive into myself, and to stay there... without the need to be rescued and saved by someone. .. Ohhh...it's a life long journey... Anyway, thank you again. ..🙏🤍

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@ilinagjorgjievska450 this is very comforting and inspiring to read! Thank you so much for commenting!! ❤️

[@mwwhatever]

I got a 4 on the Enneagram test I took too

[@melissabennett6571]

Your glasses weren’t bothering me. I think they look super cute on you and wanted to ask where you got your frames actually. 😊

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I’m a little late to this conversation 😅 but I get them all at zennioptical.com because I’m cheeeeeap 😂❤️

[@Jessicank]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@batzeth]

I feel the same, Its the reason i think maybe i might have body dismorfic disorder. I dont know

[@siowat7911]

Hi, I am also on the cusp of having AVPD. I test as an Enneagram 4w5 and as INFP on the Myers-Briggs personality test. I have also struggled in my relationship between the self and others for all of my adult life (I'm 54). I had always found people to be an unreliable source of truth, but it was not until I realised that I too was an unreliable source of truth that I found myself in in an impossible situation. The solution for me came when I found my faith again 7 years ago. I am a Christian again now and know that Jesus is a reliable source of truth and the rock upon which I can build. Even though avoidant people know that we cannot completely rely on others, we can fall prey to the self deception that we can rely on ourselves. Jesus is my yardstick and I have found Him to be far more reliable than I, or anyone else, was.

[@allyson--]

I really appreciate your voice on this website! I have a question -- have you experienced any risks from putting personal life details on youtube? Do you have any concerns about people looking you up or an employer investigating your channel? I ask because I've considered sharing a video. I love the idea of people being able to post their experiences & progress on the internet but have fears about having vulnerable videos under my name.

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

I absolutely do and often wish I had done so more anonymously instead… but I don’t think I’m sharing anything too controversial. This is my authentic experience, and if someone is made uncomfortable in me sharing that, I guess that’s a “them” problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The response I’ve gotten from others like me has made the risk feel worth it thus far and I’d love to watch your video if you decide to post one. ❤️

[@allyson--]

​@@anxious_and_avoidant I'm glad it has been worthwhile for you! That must be a difficult line to draw in order to keep your privacy. Also, aw, that's so sweet! :,)

[@matthohe9800]

Wow . I just say my name from another comment! It freaks me out, but it is done! If someone I know see's it. Oh well too late! I always am honest and it is time that I start not caring what someone might read about me! I is what I is!!!

[@Anderson99999]

I don’t think your an enneagram 4. I would listen to big hormone enneagram podcast or their KZbin

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Only a man would feel qualified after viewing several minutes of monologue to correct a woman’s years-long analysis of her own personality. (TLDR: I know more than you, google ‘gender credibility gap’)

[@Anderson99999]

@@anxious_and_avoidant thank you for your response #NotA4

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@Anderson99999 nooooooooooo anything but a hashtag!!! 😵

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

@@Anderson99999 but while we’re here, go ahead and tell me what you think I am so I can tell you WHY you’re wrong

[@Anderson99999]

I don’t know what you are, but four’s are very specific and certain and wouldn’t morph into what they thought someone else would want. You also don’t have four energy in my opinion. The hashtag is about the misconceptions of fours and how it’s the most mistyped enneagram number followed by eight #NotA8

[@justletmesigninokthx]

kid tik tho

[@anxious_and_avoidant]

Wut