Best HFY Reddit Stories: Do NOT Feed The Humans (r/HFY)

Are we being helped?
An original story written, and granted permission to narrate by u/PerilousPlatypus
Original Post: / do_not_feed_the_humans
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#hfy #Greentext #awesome #space #spaceorcs #/tg/ #greentexts #4chan

[@whatsagoodusername823]

Xenos: “No pre-PAL species allowed” Pre-PAL humans: “Huh, I wonder who that’s for”

[@centuriondominicus7871]

Yes… just yes…

[@number3766]

IS THAT A CHALLENGE?!

[@truegamer7245]

This Sign is probably important, TO BAD I CAN'T GALACTIC STANDARD!

[@number3766]

@@truegamer7245 "I would be so offended if I could read"

[@willparry530]

@@number3766 "This is a to-do list, not a prohibition, isn't it?"

[@simondenny7801]

Aliens: "you can't join us if you don't have a P.A.L." Humans: "That sign won't stop me because I can't read!"

[@number3766]

Life is multiple choice and today, humanity chose violence

[@aronnemcsik]

@@number3766 Violence is never the answer.......... It is the question and the answer is yes.

[@number3766]

@@aronnemcsik Alien: YOU KILLED 95% OF OUR POPULATION! Human: DAMMIT, WE MISSED 5%!

[@vadfarkas14]

@@number3766 May the Emperor forgive you for this sin because the Comissar will not!

[@thecursed01]

"We wouldn't join a club that accepts ppl like us anyways. Ceeeeyaaa"

[@chrisb9143]

Alien : "You can change a byway, but you cannot create a new one. The laws of physics forbid that" Human engineer with a wench in hand and an FTL drive in front of him : "observe"

[@spacetechempire510]

A human scientist could say it’s theoretically possible. While a engineering will design a moon sized object to make it possible

[@number3766]

Humans: The laws of physics known so far. Say, how much damage can space-time take until we destroy the known universe?

[@nweasels]

@@spacetechempire510 Wrong, an architect will design a Luna sized object to make it possible, the engineer with miniaturize it to ~Apophis sized and make it do the same.

[@chrisb9143]

@@number3766 f*ck around and find out

[@WexMajor82]

"Eh, the laws of physics are descriptive in nature, anyway." - Byway puncher engineer

[@arfbark3924]

"Post-Scarcity" "Post-Combat" "Post-Expansionism" These are only achievable via extinction.

[@Rand0mPeon]

Not to mention that the third one is basically ''If you want the right to expand into the galaxy, you have to _not want_ to expand anymore.'' That's so disconnected with reality and self-contradictory, only a bureaucrat could have come up with this.

[@arfbark3924]

@@Rand0mPeon Exactly! It's complete bubkiss, it does remind me of the Achaia from "Another Life" though.

[@spacetechempire510]

The first two humans can do on large scale the last one is impossible due to our own instincts are to explore and expand.

[@Rand0mPeon]

@@spacetechempire510 Post-scarcity is technically possible, but only temporarily. Everytime we have more ressources than we need for our current population, the population will simply increase to match this new amount of ressources. The only way we could have permanent post-scarcity would be if we not only produced more than we needed but also if we constantly culled the population so that our numbers stayed far below what we produce can support. Which would mean a society that constantly mass murdered its own population just because. To become post-combat might be possible, but it is simply suicide. Being ''Post-combat'' doesn't guarantee peace, but ensure that all it takes is one hostile invader and you're now either extinct or enslaved because you don't have the means to defend yourself. This is even truer in the context of galatic civilizations, where war wouldn't be between members of the same species, but between competing species. And any species who survived long enough to make it to space _will_ priorise the survival of their own species over yours. The only way to be ''Post-combat'' is to be constantly ready to destroy anyone trying to hurt you and yours. I.E.: The opposite of ''Post-combat''. As Vegetius, prince of Saiyans said: ''Si vis pacem, para bellum.'' (If you want peace, prepare for war.)

[@Rand0mPeon]

@@arfbark3924 I had no idea what Another Life and the Achaia were, so I had to google it. I didn't get much from that, but if there are any details pertinent, you have me curious. For now, the wiki says that they are vulnerable to computer viruses and particularly those who based on human DNA. Ignoring the obvious issues of an alien A.I. being vulnerable to any program coming from meatbags instead of adapting their codes faster than anyone in meatspace could hope to match: _That isn't how computer viruses works._ _That isn't how human DNA works._

[@bandiras2]

Someone just made a friend of mankind. And when things get ugly, someone won't be nuked back to the stone age. Smart move xenos! Smart move.

[@onerxowns2202]

Stone Age? More like Pre-Big-Bang

[@Preaplanes]

@@onerxowns2202 No, that'd make them some kind of gods. The big bang was when time started, you can't go before it.

[@number3766]

@@Preaplanes Nah, we could supernova their star, humans are crazy.

[@onerxowns2202]

@@Preaplanes What gods? BB MADE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, BEFORE WAS NOTHING

[@Preaplanes]

@@onerxowns2202 Yes, and if you could somehow exist outside of time, you'd have to be some kind of extradimensional deific entity straight out of fiction. Even if you could become part of the original quantum singularity somehow the big bang would splatter your guts across infinite spacetime.

[@YourWaywardDestiny]

Xenos: "Without a PAL you can't-" Humanity: "Right, use the buddy system, good idea, wouldn't want anyone wandering off in space." Xenos: "Wait, no, no that's not what we mean!" Humanity: "Too late, that's the reality I choose to live in. See you soon!"

[@loganshaw4527]

I am bringing my dog to be my pal. Meanwhile all the other humans bring thier pets to space.

[@DragonBornClan4]

That would be humanity's genuine reaction.

[@thorn344]

Just wait till there's an extra galactic threat. Then you'll be happy about having a bunch of oddly charming savage apes all over the place.

[@number3766]

I quote the shipmaster They outnumber us 3 to 1! Then it is an even fight.

[@Crazylom]

We 5hem or they us?

[@Galen55]

Oh dear, the Unbidden have arrived... Whoops, they're all dead. What were you saying Mister Ambassador?

[@Iluvantir]

@@number3766 "The enemy is all around us, sir!" - "Good! A target rich environment!"

[@tadeolaguarda6965]

You don't seem to realize the charming apes ARE the treat

[@bogustoast22none25]

*meanwhile in human space* “So this thing breaks the universe, and remakes it with our position changed to where we wanted it to be.” “Wouldn’t it be easier to just make a teleporter?” “What? No! That’d be breaking the laws of the universe!” “The universe that you destroy and remake?” “Yes! Look, when the universe is remade, we leave everything except our location where it was supposed to be, and everything works fine, but if we do what you suggest, it would upset the universe, but if there is no universe to get upset at us while we move, then it just works.” “So it’s like making the security guard go to sleep while we sneak in and change things, instead of being caught doing it really fast?” “No, it’s destroying the whole building, guard included, and then rebuilding it and the guard in an instant with one chair in a different location, and no evidence it was ever in any location but that one.”

[@onerxowns2202]

I like this concept, very "human like"

[@Ranulfdatank]

*the vulcan science academy would like to know your location*

[@loganshaw4527]

They destroyed the universe and swaped in another form the mutiverse that was slightly different

[@bogustoast22none25]

@@loganshaw4527 that’s just copy/pasting, too much effort.

[@MasterMindWC]

Some Xeno species or two had a good sit down and decided, being friends with Humans was safer. Done got sick of all the other uptight Xeno'a and choose violence by Human.

[@loganshaw4527]

The tried to contain the human only to make the human flip the insane thinking switch.

[@thehatter9400]

This just ape escape but on a galactic level.

[@saveimageas...9352]

Random chimp event

[@loganshaw4527]

The human escape while playing "let's go crasy"

[@antimatter1075]

Wait what are they doing with the humans they capture, are they killing them or are they in galactic prisons? If it is the first and humans found out we would stop sending people yes but we would militarize as much as possible and send out fleets of gun ships to go with colony ships and probably send out strike groups to damage and take galactic ships to study them. It would be cool if this was a series

[@Nyghtking]

Sounds like it since the words "Disappear enough putterers" comes up, which sounds like those humans don't come back.

[@antimatter1075]

Do they just expect a species to be like, "oh we don't care about a couple hundred of our bravest and brightest got killed because of an unknown galactic law that you decided without our consent" *loads antimatter bomb into rail gun aimed at a core world*

[@Nyghtking]

@@antimatter1075 It probably would have been better to approach humanity and explain the situation and the reason why restrictions are in place, that way at least we could have a debate with each other as a species about whether we should continue out into space, wouldn't guarantee things would go their way but it's better then how it seems they were going.

[@antimatter1075]

@@Nyghtking maybe but I'm wondering how many children were on those ships if they were colony ships, they said they kept showing up at other species worlds somehow. If they did get point to point travel then the galaxy is screwed considerably how far the ships were from sol.

[@spacetechempire510]

@@Nyghtking not gonna work the third point of a PAL is post expansion. Humans are explorers and entrepreneurs by nature.

[@generalzeta7000]

Humans, best friend you could have, and a nightmare for government workers of all levels.

[@loganshaw4527]

The human wave tactic in space.

[@andrewjones6805]

Man I really hope there's another part this has good potential

[@kennethhummel4409]

Is that a fence?(as humanity steps over it)

[@fergusabrams1012]

More like (steam rolls over it)

[@kevinpeters6709]

@@fergusabrams1012 more like blow a giant f***ing hole in it

[@ImieNazwiskoOK]

@Kevin Peters More like: Wait where was the whole "field with fence in the middle" thing?

[@chrisb9143]

Wait, physics forbid that ? I didn't know, sorry

[@number3766]

Oh, that was supposted to be an obstacle! Oh well, time to break the laws of the universe!

[@alexanderkoch2174]

Aliens: we can't bend the laws of physics Physics when humans are arround: ,,scared noises while in dog pose"

[@bigzampano6180]

A human ant hill An endless supply of humans just going in every direction possible

[@meridian5834]

Exnos- how do they know where the civilizations are!? Do they have point to point!? Humans- *studying the Galaxy from earth before even leaving it and our evolution driven be conflict and a need for a purpose*

[@robertrosenthal7264]

If you have a low cost to use and rapid transportation method, drop in and check out a thousand different systems. To the locals, it looks like they dropped in on all 22 inhabited systems. After all, who's paying attention to uninhabited systems especially when the transportation method used doesn't light up alarms all over the sector . (How did you find the slip of paper with my name on it? That's easy, I wrote your name on all of them.)

[@loganshaw4527]

Humans not able to use a compass in space. "Every human leave at every possible way" Humans would have to use decimal points of degrees and longitude and latitude origin points when leaving a sphere. How many dots fit on a sphere? As possible exit points. Do they leave in a line and then speard out as they gain distance over time. A larger sphere has more exit points then a smaller sphere. Billions leave in every possible way. Be surprised you only found 10,000 plus so far and climbing. They gain distance once they curve back to the galaxy plane. The fastest way unstopped is a curve not a straight line.

[@pandoratheclay]

Alien: you can’t just break physics that’s impossible Human, halfway through a star-gate: tally ho!

[@jacobs.9696]

The food has to be good if over a thousand humans leave Earth to get it.

[@DEMONOFLOVEANDDEATH]

Bless the Narrator Bless the Author

[@thenthson]

Bless the ALGORITHM in all of it's glory.

[@Nomed38]

Everyone loves Hypnotoad

[@roryspeight-burns2554]

Xeno:No you can leave until you are pal Human:(laugh in pacman )

[@loganshaw4527]

Waca waca waca

[@evernewb2073]

so...she is looking at a problem of this should-be-primitive species spreading everywhere and somehow simultaniously comes to bot the conclusion that they have developed technology thought to be impossible by the totality of galactic civilization _and_ the conclusion that the only possible way that this impossibly divergent species could be getting information is if their higher command chain is feeding them information...yup, to many jumps has gotten to her brain.

[@loganshaw4527]

Humans leaving 360° by 360°= 129600° that would be 129600 Humans if they each leave at a different degree.

[@nk_3332]

Xeno Interrogator: "We have it, we have the name of the scientist who tricked them into testing that insane FTL system they use." Xeno Bureaucrat: "Excellent, put out a arrest on sight order for Gene Roddenberry!"

[@vaulthunterfromterra4053]

The USA Navy in the late 2010’s actually made it public that hyperdrives work by bending space like a sheet of paper and poking a hole through it. Then election year happened and everyone forgot about it.

[@AzoRevan]

The math works but you forgot to mention that it was all theoretical, and it requires some kind of weird negative-energy density material, or maybe negative mass, I forgot. No big deal, just replace one impossibility with a weirder impossibility.

[@slimeinabox]

We’re clever pests with both individual intelligence and school intelligence (think schools of fish)

[@ISoloYouRelax]

Starting off, I don't like the preconditions. First one we can take or leave, however the next two. A planet itself only has so much resources. Space is the big one. Unless you implement a population size, expansionism will always be around.

[@kashkara_8943]

Fun times

[@ramadaxl]

'Someone was feeding the Humans'....best watch those fingers !

[@Person67]

This is amazing

[@WiredTurkey316]

For the algorithm

[@igkslife]

Will there be more chapters?

[@Zedyne]

Is... is this it? No further explanation, exposition, details and revelation? _Boo._

[@kinpandun2464]

Good Story, Good Audio. Thanks, Kin.

[@julesmasseffectmusic]

Pal is superior I remember the VHS beta wars too

[@willparry530]

yup, too late to stop feeding the humans!

[@GenStallion]

What is the meaning of "PAL", i think I missed it.

[@Chu8rock]

Provisional Access License

[@milesedgeworth3667]

AKA a licence showing a race that defenceless(post conflict),rich in resources(post Scarcity) and not growing in numbers(post expansionist)

[@Chu8rock]

@@milesedgeworth3667 A big ass sign saying "Raid Me!".

[@ianquinn6814]

@@Chu8rock as the British would say: "Oi, where's your loicense?"

[@asandrewsilvaw]

For The algorithm

[@bathroomprophet2310]

For the algorithm

[@seanpeacock4290]

I'm a wanderer...

[@mutehowl]

Coldfeet.

[@majnabunny]

Nom Nom NOM :)