Big Adoption Decisions: Age isn't everything

[@adoptinformed]

Want more adoption help? Schedule a consultation with me! ✨ www.adoptinformed.com/consultation

[@cjsage115]

We originally wanted 5-10yo. We ended up with our 14yo daughter. Best thing we could have done!

[@adoptinformed]

I love that! :)

[@ettinakitten5047]

5:11 Research on the impact of trauma on children has shown that children are most sensitive to trauma around ages 1-5 years. If you adopt a child within that range, you *know* they've experienced at least one trauma during the sensitive period - loss of primary attachment figure - and since adoptable kids don't generally come from stable, healthy homes, they have likely experienced other traumas in that sensitive period (the exception would be a kid who was placed as a newborn in a great foster home - and personally if there was any chance of those foster parents adopting them I'd refuse to adopt a kid under those circumstances for their sake). Meanwhile, an older kid *might* have experienced trauma in that critical period, or they might have had a good home environment during that time and trauma only started happening to them later on. If the latter is true, that kid will usually be less affected by similar trauma backgrounds than a kid who was adopted between the ages of 1-5 because they had a solid foundation before the trauma happened.

[@adoptinformed]

Yes! We have experienced that with our older kids. Building those early attachments are important!

[@erchanel]

Hi! Im actually only interested in adopting older children for one more reason as well as all the other ones you mentioned. Im a single mom working 2 jobs. I was so happy when my son started school because the daycare hours for toddlers in my area are quite short. I need to have my kids in school because my life is just not cut out to be a semi stay at home mom with a baby. As is Im home for my son everyday at 3pm. Couldnt imagine my work day being any shorter than that. Thank you for this i hope more ppl give these amazing kids a chance

[@adoptinformed]

That makes total sense why adopting a school age child would be a great fit for you!

[@ettinakitten5047]

Be aware that if you have a child with behavioral issues in a school that's not well-equipped to deal with those issues, it can be very disruptive to your work. I attended an awful elementary school while struggling with diagnosed PTSD and undiagnosed autism, and whenever I had a meltdown, my teachers would call my parents and demand they take me home. My parents actually had less disruption to their work when they started homeschooling me at age 12, because I could safely be left unsupervised within easy walking distance of their work, and I had fewer meltdowns once I was out of that awful school.

[@coridudek6055]

We are looking to adopt from foster care (Michigan) we have set our age range at 8-14 but will remain open minded to other ages. Our home study is.. June 20th! Oh the nerves! Please wish us all the luck and good vibes that you can. Btw, I just love your channel ❤️

[@jenniferreynolds3232]

My husband and I adopted our 3 kids from foster care as first time parents. I recommend you get as much training in how to parent traumatized kids and kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (which every one of our kids has to some degree). If you are a first time parent, you might also want to get a self-care routine in place that you will stick to as well as talk to the foster agency about respite care. It's an INTENSE experience and TOTALLY worth doing, but these are things that we feel we would have greatly benefited from and did not receive.

[@coridudek6055]

@@jenniferreynolds3232 we actually finished our classes in April and are doing 2 more classes this month specifically for trauma

[@jenniferreynolds3232]

@@coridudek6055 Great job! You are already ahead of the curve and I'm sure you'll pass your home inspection with flying colors! :) Your heart is clearly in this. I am excited for you as you move forward and will be praying for you and your family as well as the children you receive. God bless you!!

[@coridudek6055]

@@jenniferreynolds3232 awe, thank you so very much!!

[@adoptinformed]

@@jenniferreynolds3232 such good advice!

[@athenaa23]

Extremely underrated channel. Glad you're putting this content out

[@adoptinformed]

Thank you so much! 🥰

[@katecraig2974]

We have only ever been interested in adopting a teen or pre-teen. We have a biological child and the infant/toddle years where so hard! We didn't have more kids because we really didn't want to go through that again. However, we are both educator that work in 6-12 grade mostly with "at-risk" kids and kids in the juvenile justice system, and we love it!

[@adoptinformed]

That is so awesome! I love hearing about people who are cut out for older kid/teen adoption. It’s so needed, and can be such a great experience ❤️

[@janellemargot4376]

Adopting 5 and under sounds exhausting, especially multiples! Kudos to folks who can muster the energy

[@wyldrayne5501]

My husband and I are just starting our adoption journey and we are wanting an older sibling group. This video is just reinforcing that we made a good choice about what we feel will work best for our family

[@wyldrayne5501]

Do you have advice about what to expect when a child or sibling group comes into your home with the intention of you adopting them?

[@adoptinformed]

@@wyldrayne5501 I do have a video about what it is like adopting siblings if you haven’t watched it yet! kzbin.info/www/bejne/qp7RlpyGj7l5fMk I also have some adoption update videos from a year or so ago where I walk through how those first few months went for us.

[@karenlc]

You make great points! I find very interesting that your oldest was so aware of the situation and even excited about it😃

[@kirstynalmeida7761]

Another great video - thank you! In the matching process now and our age range is 1-12! My husband wants older children because of the opportunities for greater communication. I never considered your anecdotal evidence but as a post adoption worker and a sibling to adopted siblings… i think there is something to be said about this!

[@adoptinformed]

I’d love for someone to do an actual study on that topic! I’m glad you enjoyed the video ☺️

[@ettinakitten5047]

13:46 This is *not* true. Research has shown that one group of adoptees have similar rates of mental health issues to kids raised in healthy bio families - adoptees who were adopted into healthy families at less than 9 months of age. Of course they will still have unique adoption-specific experiences like wondering about bio parents, but they don't show higher rates of depression, anxiety, behavioral challenges, etc as you would expect if they had experienced a trauma. I feel like this is a really common misconception, and it can be harmful - it can discourage birth parents from giving a newborn up for adoption when that's truly what would be best for them, it can discourage people from adopting who don't feel ready for dealing with adoption-related trauma, and it can lead adoptees who are experiencing mental health challenges unrelated to adoption (such as challenges from having dysfunctional or abusive adoptive parents who would've been just as damaging to any bio kids they might've had, or just challenges related to being a teenager who's doing the developmentally normal task of figuring out their identity) down the wrong path for healing.

[@adoptinformed]

Interesting! In all of my research I have never heard that. Most resources I have encountered explain that there is such thing as “relinquishment trauma” from simply losing connection with the parent who carried a child in the womb. Do you have an article or reference for that so I can look into it more? I always like to research these topics as much as I can.

[@melissa-bethmcginnity3503]

We have been placed with foster kids for the first time. We were place with a sibling group of three children ages 6,4,2yrs. I’m overwhelmed and not sure I do want to adopt now. There are a lot of hurdles these kids will have to overcome. I’m worried that all children in the foster system will be this difficult. The two year old is the most difficult and I get that. He doesn’t understand what’s happening or why he’s here. We’re not new to parenting, we have 9 children ages 23-2yrs. I’ve had 9 two year olds. I feel like I’m not able to connect with him, but he’s never had boundaries, non of these children have been in school. *These children are not free to adopt. They were supposed to be a temporary emergency placement, but the caseworker appears to have dumped them and run away even though they have relatives who want them. The relatives can’t offer or support the therapy the children need. They’ll take more work than I can give them. Advice please!

[@jenniferreynolds3232]

I can completely understand your concerns. My husband and I adopted our 3 kids directly from foster care as first time parents and our children were placed with us at 5, 3, & 2. It is an incredibly difficult transistion and an instense experience! We had difficulty with connection and boundaries too and the agency does just kind of say here ya go, and doesn't really offer help, you have to ask for it. You may want to look at what the agency has to offer in regards to parenting classes on Reactive Attachment Disorder and how to parent traumatized kids. You'll also want to be sure to ask about respite services because it's a 24/7 issue that will take it's toll quickly. A few hours a day or even a week will help you get that breathing room you'll need to keep your sanity. Last but not least, I'm sure as a mother already you know this, but it bears repeating, be sure to take care of yourself. It's really easy to let that slide especially when there just doesn't seem to be an end to the care and attention those kiddos need. You will be in my prayers Melissa-Beth as well as your family and those precious kids you are so wonderfully and lovingly trying to help!!!

[@madeline799]

I have never been a parent or adopted so maybe my opinion isn’t relevant; I used to teach at a daycare though and we cared for many foster children there. In my experience, with time, patience (with yourself and the kiddo), and enough time to yourself to be calm, it will get better. Some kids are gonna be easier than others, some will fit with you better than others simply because of your personalities. But (at least for me) it always got better, and usually it got good. Best of luck to you guys :)

[@leagarner3675]

I have no experience with fostering or adoption. I only have the approach that I might take.... What is in my influence, then, what is in my control? If there is not a lot, then this may not be healthy long term. If there is much within my influence, then over time, it may work. All the best.

[@NovasYouTubeName]

What you said makes total sense and I agree, and we will foster any age when our kids are older, my only thing with adopting and age though would be not wanting to “miss” as much of the child’s life. Maybe selfishly wanting to be there for as many moments as possible of my adopted child’s life and be there for them first hand. Any tips for mindset shifts around that? ;). Thanks!

[@adoptinformed]

I had some of those same thoughts, but I was shocked at how many “firsts” I was still able to have with our older kids! Some of the firsts we got to experience were: swimming, sledding, trick or treating, traveling out of state, flying, seeing the ocean, being on a boat, riding a rollercoaster, etc. It was so fun to experience those firsts :)

[@NovasYouTubeName]

@@adoptinformed hi Katie thanks for the reply! I remember you saying that in another video and it helped! Just hard on the heartstring to know. The kids who become yours you weren’t always there for - but obviously that’s part of the point is being able to be there for them at all. Love your helpful honest videos and congratulations on your consulting business! Can’t wait to take advantage of that neeeeded resource!

[@KCM1200]

Thank you! Just the encouragement we needed :)

[@christinehoffman1825]

You are a very good speaker. Thank you 😊

[@ebeleingram8048]

Very insightful. I think you missed out on one of the most glaring reasons for not adopting an older kid. You have less time with them. If you adopt a 15 year old, they have 3 more years until adult hood. You will of course still see them, but they will be more focused on independence at that point. Not even to mention the fact that you have very little raising time with them. I'd say this video was too focused on trauma and not on tangible concerns

[@adoptinformed]

I can definitely see that point…I just assume that most people already have thought about that aspect. I focus on trauma because that is the main argument I hear against adopting older kids and it’s not always true that older kids’ trauma affects them more. Adopting an older kid isn’t for everyone, for sure! I just think these older kids deserve a family even if they are only “kids” for a little longer. I think some people might be more open to it if they realize older age doesn’t automatically equal a super difficult adoption.

[@elizabethmorgan7142]

yes!!!!!

[@acatonceattackedmeandscrat6302]

Do you think it would be okay to adopt a 12 year old girl?

[@adoptinformed]

So much depends on your family and what you feel you can handle…but depending on the situation, yes!

[@ChefItAtHome]

❤️