Borderline’s Attachment Style: Anxious Preoccupied or Dismissive Avoidant? (Read PINNED COMMENT)

[@samvaknin]

Fearful-avoidant (disorganized) “attachment style” is a latecomer to attachment theory. Its authors merely copy-pasted verbatim the DSM 4 diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. So, it is not an attachment style at all! It is a personality disorder. Recently, there has been a proliferation of such sham constructs: “dark empath”, “maladaptive daydreaming”, “shy or quite borderline”, and “recovered narcissist” come to mind.

[@piamp1454]

That would have been my question - why the Borderline Personality disordered person does not rather have an anxious-avoidant/ fearful-avoidant instead of a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. Thank you for clarifying!

[@thetraveller6578]

.....and cannot be successfully treated.

[@muskyvictim]

Da .An inveterate chameleon... I'm a Neuro-Psychiatrist MD, but this man is burning with intelligence. Chapeau bas professor!

[@polyjb1]

Got my coffee. Now time to delve rrrrright in. Look it up

[@Samvaknin-t7t]

Whatap

[@ghostplaymakers3681]

wow. You've done it again. Thank you

[@Rimmmmiiii]

Thank you so much, Professor. The timing couldn’t have been better. I was just reading about the attachment styles of people with BPD, and as someone with BPD myself, I was confused when I came across people saying they’re anxiously attached. Your explanation clarified everything so well. I really enjoyed it! 😊

[@lissettedesantolo4754]

Sehr geehrter Prof Vaknin, wenn die Kollegen anders gesagt haben, dann sind sie alle falsch. Sie, allerdings, sind genau richtig! . Wie schön, wie Sie alles so einfach und klar in Worten fassen können. Ganz liebe Grüße aus Deutschland!

[@meb3153]

Great lectures by an expert.. many thanks!

[@kentbull]

After listening to this video, and a few others of Vaknin, I no longer agree with my clinical diagnosis of BPD. I do not exhibit the avoidant-dismissive attachment style. I definitely have some symptoms that indicate BPD-like behavior, yet I agree more with the self-diagnosis of childhood emotional neglect from Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. CEN definitely has overlap in symptomology with BPD, and I definitely have some traits of failed narcissism, yet I am nowhere near the level of what Vaknin describes as the typical borderline.

[@samvaknin]

Search the comorbidities playlist for CPTSD.

[@twonkles]

amazing video

[@justsaiyansteve]

Very insightful.

[@bryguy4golf]

As my 10yr marraige to my wife- BPD (diagnosed) she would waffle back and forth between the standard push and pull but her avoidance became more and more consistent overtime. Only during periods of distress would she seek comfort and intamacy and after a day or two of being very close and intimate should shut down and pull away. I completely agree as usual.

[@lauragasoian7503]

True. I have bpd, and I need my boyfriend or my lover only when I feel down or bad, when I feel happy I don't need anybody. 😅

[@alenar853]

Thank you very much❤️❤️❤️

[@Luka663]

Spot on Professor, thank you so much

[@geekworld5443]

I totally agree as I’ve had quite a few relationships with borderlines. My question now is, is anxious-preoccupied attachment tied to any personality disorder?

[@CGI__]

I think he said dependent personality disorder

[@msmb4980]

Just realised it's my attachment style 😔, don't know how not to run away..

[@candicesalter3926]

Absolutely correct ☠

[@captain8362]

Many thanks Prof.Vaknin 👏👏👏

[@JavierMares]

I wish I had seen these videos many years ago

[@Cm0nMan]

Prof I have a question. Can a narcissist be driven into anxious attachment behaviour/faked emotions by a borderline? In other words can the abandonment anxiety of the narcissist be triggered in such a way? Of course the underlying reason for this behaviour would be self-serving, unlike the real anxious attachment.

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Search the BPD playlist.

[@SteveTrout-p2y]

All human behavior is self serving.

[@wilzacj3297]

Sam, I have been married for over 13 years and only in the last 8 months have "woken up" to my wifes behavior of many years as fulfilling 7of 9 dsm 5 bpd traits. Not diagnosed as she wont go to therapy. How is it that she has been so faithful all this time but is also a bpd sufferer?

[@samvaknin]

Promiscuity is only one of many possible reckless behaviors in BPD.

[@ghostplaymakers3681]

The likelihood of these two types having a 5+ year relationship together?

[@Chillmvster]

Depends on how attractive the borderline is. If she/he is hot they will bail the moment their narrative is challenged and they can get a replacement.

[@rosamarialmeida]

So is borderline empathy selfish?

[@samvaknin]

Selfish empathy is an oxymoron. But Borderlines have reduced or even intermittent empathy.

[@Gam2307]

Hi Sam. Are you planning any video about Elon Musk?

[@samvaknin]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/aIebc3qPfK-pqdE

[@Gam2307]

@@samvakninthank you. Watched it. I am curious what do you think of him trying to turn the Europe upside down. As I mentioned I am in Poland and soon we will be choosing president. So far Orban started interfere into our politics. We are trying ro save democracy. Still…

[@Alessia-q9k]

That is true! That's why I always had the power at the end of a relationship, even if with a narcissist or narcissistic psychopath. Leaving them baffled. However, I wasted so much time just to realize that my love wasn't even as big of a deal as I thought.

[@metalassassin8841]

Rather funny that everyone that has BPD calls everyone a narc after they inflict others with narcissistic abuse...

[@Alessia-q9k]

It's likely that they are right! A neurotypical would not be interested in a borderline at all. The red flags are there from the beginning.

[@metalassassin8841]

@@Alessia-q9k LMAO, it's likely that you should come with a warning label. Most that are trapped by your kind aren't narcs, but but on the contrary, extremly selfless people, therefore the opposite of a narc.

[@dontreadmyname4396]

how do i heal from my insane attachments? they only hurt me and make people im attached to scared, a girl i was friends with benefits tried to cut me off nicely and i went bananas and she saw how much pain the idea of losing her was causing me and that i was going desperate so she nicely cut me off promising me she will return into my life but that i had to give her space, she said it was for the best and that she was sorry but it needed to be that way, then told me to seek help because im clearly suffering and i shouldn't depend on another person to feel happy or whole, i know she cut me off and that i wont hear from her again and since then i've been feeling nothing but pain and desperation and an unbearable urge to contact her and try to bring her back into my life but im not doing it because i promised her to wait for her return, its driving me insane, even my hair is falling off a bit due to the stress wtf is wrong with me, how do i stop feeling like i need a girl i've fallen in love to not disappear from my life? its been 3 months since she asked for space and we didnt talk since then and i've been crying every single day during the day and during the night here and there and dreaming about her and daydreaming about her and imagining what would happen if i contacted her again, wanting to do it but not doing it, im going insane waiting but i know i must leave her alone or im going to be seen as a crazy person and scare her, I AM HURTING AND IDK HOW TO STOP IT

[@samvaknin]

Search the BPD playlist and the therapies playlist.

[@dontreadmyname4396]

@@samvaknin there is too many videos, too many hours, could u give me some kind of advice on this comment? i am going insane and i dont want to contact her, i want to keep my promise of giving her the space she asked for but for example i woke up today sweating and shaking and nervous as hell, i am hurting a lot and feel an insane strong urge to text her something like "i cant keep waiting, i strongly feel that u lied to me because its been 4 months and i still havent heard from you, because since i met u you've been a very busy persona and that has never stopped u from contacting me, because u said u are struggling and busy and having to deal with important life stuff yet i see u doing completely fine on social media or thats how it looks like, i feel betrayed and hurt, i am very hurt at this whole situation because u pushed me to be part of your life, u asked me to be part of it, u asked me to give u my number and asked me to be true friends with you, u cant ask someone that and then dip once u get bored or avoid resolving whatever problems come up through healthy comunication, i cant stand it any longer, we need to talk and solve this whole situation like adults, if not u will force me to delete your number and consider as if u died and didnt exist anymore and i dont want to do that, its going to cause me even more pain if u force me to do that, those silent treatment/space/waiting/no contact games hurt me a lot because i strongly believe every single problem between 2 people can be resolved through talking with the other person, im a person that solves interpersonal problems through comunication/talking and trying to understand each other's perspective, i cant keep waiting like this, its hurting me, i am suffering, you are hurting me, if u still think im a good person like you've always repeatedly told me then understand that i need us to talk and find a solution to this whole situation where u went from seeing me and treating me like a close friend to not treating me as such anymore and using hard to believe reasons of all kind to justify your behavior" or something along the lines, even i myself see that this text is too long, sounds desperate and perturbated and needy, and is probably going to scare her away because its been 4 months and also is the fact that she told me "if u cant accept i need space then its over for good", obviously my response to that ultimatum was to promise her to give her the space she asks for

[@dontreadmyname4396]

@@samvaknin please i need some kind of quick help to manage my pain and stress, i feel an insane urge to confront her but she warned me to accept she needs space if i want any chances of us being friends again in the future, so i wait, but is been 4 months of crying and being stressed day and night and feeling hurt and betrayed and resentful and the need to "talk", 4 months feeling like she lied and this was just her way to cut me off making me believe she will return, giving me false hopes hoping that over time i stop caring about her