Cuckolds, Swingers (Lifestyle), and Psychopathic Narcissists: Death of Intimacy?

Cuckolds and swingers are not psychopathic narcissists. Their motivations are (the film is "Bitter Moon", not "Paper Moon"):
1. Latent and overt bisexuality and homosexuality: both men and women (but especially women) adopt swinging as a way to sample same-sex experiences in a tolerant, at times anonymous, and permissive environment;
2. The Slut-Madonna Complex: to be sexually attracted to their spouses, some men need to “debase” and “humiliate” them by witnessing their “sluttish” conduct with others;
3. Voyeurism and exhibitionism are both rampant in and satisfied by swinging. Oftentimes, those who partake in the Lifestyle document their exploits on video and share photos and saucy verbal descriptions. Amateur porn and public sex (“dogging”) are fixtures of swinging;
4. Vicarious gratification. “Cuckolds” are (typically male) swingers who masturbate to the sight of their partner having sex with another, usually without actually joining the fray. They derive gratification from and are sexually aroused by the evident pleasure experienced by their significant other;
5. Masochism is a prime motive for a minority of swingers. They relish in their own agony as they watch their spouse hooking up with others: envy, pain, anxiety, a sense of humiliation, an overpowering feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy, sinfulness, debauchery, depravity, and decadence all conspire to thrill the masochist and delight him;
6. Swinging is also a form of legitimized cheating. It spices up the stale sex lives of the players and neutralized the emotional and financial risks and threats associated with furtive extramarital escapades. They insist: “swinging saved my marriage”;
7. Some swingers use the Lifestyle to “display” or “exhibit” their partners, casting them as desired and desirable trophies, or status symbols (“hotwife”). Others present may sexually “sample the wife” but never own her: “I am the one who ends up going home with her” - these swingers brag, thus reaffirming their own irresistibility and attractiveness;
8. The Lifestyle is a rollercoaster of serial relationships, mostly with strangers. It is, therefore, thrilling, risky, and exciting and provokes anxiety, romantic jealousy, and guilt (for having dragged the partner into the Lifestyle, or for not having restrained her). Swinging results in an adrenaline rush, a high, and in addictive periods of calm after these self-inflicted psychosexual storms;
9. Swinging calls for the objectification of sexual partners. Many swingers prefer to remain anonymous in settings like Lifestyle retreats or group sex and orgies. Women reported experiencing a new sense of empowerment and mastery as they can finally dictate the terms and conditions of sexual encounters, pick and choose partners, and realize hitherto suppressed sexual fantasies. Other practitioners actually prefer to swing only with close friends, using sex as a form of intimacy-enhancing recreation;
10.Nudity has a pronounced aesthetic dimension and when multiple naked bodies intertwine, the combination can amount to a work of art, a flesh-and-blood throbbing sculpture. Swinging is also great fun: the ultimate in entertainment, where novelty and familiarity merge to yield a unique journey with each new entrant.

[@mfloyd1556]

As someone who's "been there, done that" in regards to casual sex, particularly FWB - open relationships - I feel as though most who engage are children inside. Lacking a defined self, insecure, one day yearning for intimacy and even love seemingly and the next wanting nothing to do with it. It is a constant dichotomy, and that's in the best case scenario. Yuck.

[@oliviajae298]

Yes!!!

[@vornamenachname4921]

So true. Polyamory stays an utopia, it seems. There is no real love in it, no real responsibility, no real attachment. It's like children role playing their fantasy of better adults.

[@pamelasmith2388]

Insightful ,thank you .You say that those into swinging ,casual sex ,open relationships etc ,are children inside . In addition ,I would say that they are "Wounded children inside " ,Unless woundedness is faced honestly ,kindly so healing can occur ,the wounded children remain essentially lost and largely disfunctial in other areas of life .

[@brendaplunkett8659]

@@pamelasmith2388 I think the hardest thing I can come to conclude is all of the above. They are mortally wounded children. True intimacy is impossible and they are irrevocably broken with no hope of meaningful repair.

[@helenhoward5346]

@@brendaplunkett8659 yeah. But it's so contradictory bc you'd think knowing your spouse is intimate with another would be a huge abandonment rejection trigger as well. However, I can see going along with it bc you're so desperate to be with and endear yourself to your partner. It makes sense if you were raised feeling unworthy of devotion, loyalty, affection, committed loving monogamous lifelong relationships. You're willing to accept scraps bc it's better than being defined as alone even though you already feel incredibly alone and are probably being psychologically manipulated for selfish reasons at every turn.

[@patriciaearley4177]

"They don't care if you're alive they care if you perform" WOW!!!

[@wheremypd]

This video is haunting, for it has been my life for the last 7 years. I’m the French dinner guy. Something I fell into because my my ex wife had suggested it with my best friend. Needless to say, it destroyed intimacy for me after that. Which then lead me to my worst nightmare if that wasn’t already bad enough- a pathological female narcissist. That was my death punch. But, as a result. I’m now getting the help I need after all those years. Thanks to you Dr. Vaknin! Your videos gave me a new lease on life ❤️

[@regenerist315]

"Without meaningful relationships, we are atoms in the wind. Bereft. In a constant state of mourning... In the absence of intimacy... we find no solace... we grieve... until we die." This is the basic, most important truth. If only this talk from Sam could be mandatory listening for all while in isolation due to covid19. Perhaps it could save many from the isolation of their soul when the quarantine is over and the rest of their lives begin.

[@blueglass1123]

I have written that down because it speaks such truth and resonates with me profoundly.....thankyou 😊

[@pamelasmith2388]

Beautifully expressed ,thank you

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Well said. That is my sad conclusion also. Abandon all hope of a meaningful intimate relationship.

[@akashgupta3685]

Your deep and critical understanding of the subject is appreciated beyond words. Excellent work.

[@hudashafiq01]

Absolutely stunning analysis. Thanks Sam for sharing your wisdom with us

[@wyocoloexperience7025]

Another insightful presentation. Thank you Dr. Vaknin!

[@RomanticRomeoCasanova69]

It's Professor Vaknin. Please show him respect. 🙏

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Thank you so much. This really helped me untangle what felt like an overwhelming big hot mess.

[@carlac8228]

I appreciate the very in depth of the paradoxical and ironic dynamics you present here. I realize so much I didn't have the breakdown you provide.

[@ishlabrooks3597]

Your knowledge & articulation of these subject matters are amazing and indescribable helpful.

[@alexdiaz5891]

Fantastic analysis Professor.

[@DA-ib1ii]

Fascinating stuff doc 👍

[@bilbo7872]

Most narcs end up exactly where they should be .. alone.

[@nafissforghani3866]

yes

[@felixmandelic5016]

Or at the other end, on top of society. You are just watching a very valuable Video recorded by a narcissist.

[@Trismegistus95]

You do know narcissists are created from a painful childhood right? It is not their fault they are who they are, but after adulthood they have a responsibility to be a good member of society. You wouldn’t say the same thing about a person with ptsd from rape would you? They are victims

[@thesoutherncrossing2328]

@@felixmandelic5016 good point

[@boobookfnikkie]

@@Trismegistus95I will have no sympathy for them created or not .. but only for those whose hearts , minds and lives they move through selfishly during the duration of their own , causing nothing but damage and absolute devastation .

[@londoncalling7895]

WELCOME to Sam Vaknins '50 shades of grey' .both video and content.

[@MiMi_X1]

Your videos are very interesting

[@RobShuttleworth]

Thank you Sam, so much of what you said aligns with things that are unwritten.

[@rachelrosen5501]

i enjoy your videos very much.

[@irenedove2881]

Has anyone else found themselves suddenly unsubscribed from Dr Vaknin? I know I didn't do it and I am sure I was subscribed.

[@billb6575]

Yes, i noticed it 2 days ago

[@irenedove2881]

@@rubenv.p.6344 loooool ... i think KZbin will unsubcribe us from smaller KZbinrs.They are making room for all these celebs.

[@ajusa5588]

I was in relationship with an narc and his biggest prayers were cuckold... I said No .. he tried again ..maybe i say yes to sex with trans,maybe gangbang.. crazy!!! When i said to him NO! He was so angry! After that i was 100% sure that he is a narc.. I never did it! I moved from him. It wasnt easy but I'm done..and have nice and kind partner :)

[@margaritagomez3490]

They want you to do this cause they can degrade you later for doing it when they discard you. Demonic

[@BDCsSanctuary]

"human sexual zoo" is an apropos description.

[@The.Sicilian.Realtor]

What a speech. Bravo

[@MatimoreAgain]

I read somewhere that sadism is born from shame and depression particularly before the age of 18. And almost all "subs" I know or met are actually extremely high in self esteem and hold positions of authority etc. And to be in a true D/s or M/s dynamic love is a very important ingredient. But you did mention many participants do not have mental issues.

[@DamnJina]

That is exactly my story. I met cuckold narcissists. And he really gave me so much hurts. thank you now I understand about him a bit. Need to move on.

[@shuddap_]

Amazing analysis.

[@456inthemix]

Genius Prof. Sam Vaknin! The others were not satsfied expland always left with more question.🙃 I will go through your videos. Sex, Supply and Service, a deja vue in my past circle. 🤮

[@pcs9016]

I have dated narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. The sociopath was physically abusive. Dated 2 psychopaths but the last one was by far the worst. Very charming, chivalrous, and witty. He led me to believe I was the one and only one. Talked about marriage and how much he loved me. To my horror he is married of 27 yrs (now separated after wife kicked him out for the tenth time) and has a Harem of women. I don't understand why play with someone's heart this way. Why not just be honest and say they are only looking for sex like some do. What is so hard about being honest?? I've invested nearly 4 yrs of my life giving all of my love, time, respect, honesty, commitment, compassion, kindness, and gave money/gifts all in the name of love...I'm in a fog. Trying to wrap my brain around this and understand. I understand that people cheat, but what bothered me the most were his lies. I had never felt this way about someone and he broke me. Thank you for your videos. They are informative and helpful🙂

[@will3634]

I usually don't feel much at all for the women I mingle with (just attraction), so in order to not make them upset and sleep with them I need to constantly pretend that I like them more than I really do.. I'm usually aroused by them but it doesn't go much further. I think the problem with people like me is that we don't believe honesty gets you the girl. Honesty in life is important but with women I find that saying what they want to hear in order to get their pants off most of the time implies you will need to lie or pretend you like them more than you do otherwise you don't get anywhere, that's just my experience anyway.

[@JimKJeffries]

If one has a strong feeling, good or bad, it should be a sign to the individual they have work to do. Because I ignored this great advice from my grandparents/great grandparents, and believed in everyone's ability to learn & grow, I didn't understand the idea pathological: I fell deeply in love & married a borderline female. A couple of reminders; love bombing works & is awesome because I didn't do the job of loving myself. Society makes it easy to see what is wrong, but it is even more important to understand what is right, amazing. After all, our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. So if we do not know and understand the prior the later will always be in a bit of a fog. So of course continue to work on your short comings, but also celebrate your successes, give thanks and appreciation for the portions of life you excel, & spend time figuring out how to better use this. 2nd. Everything that is good in homosapians, everything that is great, is limitless. As such it can not be stolen, only freely given. Is the sun less because it gives earth its light/photon? Is God less because (in the case of a Christian God) he loves you? I know that I do not love my first daughter less because I had a third. Feel your feels. It is so easy to ignore a feeling rather than sit with it. Not intellectualism, not why I must be feeling this, but rather just feel, just be... the shadow of the feelings unfelt trap us and bubble forth unexpectedly. For me, healing & freedom, are/were dependent on brutal honesty, finding (always) a portion of responsibility for everything that happens to me. This fosters growth & learning rather than victimhood & slavery. I give each day my best, and this frees me of woulda, coulda, shoulda...this also allows for me to have the steepest growth curve i am capable of. Kindness, gentleness, charity, generosity, have become my mainstays. i do not do them so i can feed my ego, rather for the simple privilege that i can. When I get my priorities correct, (an example of this: take care of myself, my spouse, my kids, then my friends & neighbors where I can) I can give more. When my priorities are wrong I will have less in the system. But the broken, the monsters clothed as humans, lash out & fight when treated this way, while those who are less broken almost radiate when treated this way. Your enemies will undo themselves, while you will continue to grow, love, be known. I think it was Franklin that framed the notion there are only two timeless acts, ones of love or evil. Or Einstein, lighr & its absence. For me i frame it as both fear & love are always self-fulfilling, and we all have a choice. Know your/you're love (a saying i came up with for my kids), and good luck on your journey.

[@will3634]

@@justjenny8210 What do you mean?

[@will3634]

@@justjenny8210 Not lie , but show more interest than I really had

[@will3634]

@@justjenny8210 Not really because I like the women I sleep with

[@samanthavalladares1308]

This is great

[@brianbabayans2481]

Thank you sharing this very thoughtful analysis of the lifestyle. I also have noticed that people are treating others as disposable assets and can easily be replaced quickly without much problem or discussion. Take the dating apps. All you have to do I swipe to the right to find someone new. The institution of marriage is failed especially in the USA. I am getting my masters degree in psychology and will refer to this video throughout my career. Thank you for sharing. Just curious how did you learn all this ? Is it through couples therapy?

[@samvaknin]

And personal experience.

[@brianbabayans2481]

Do you have an email ? I have a very interesting story to tell you about my experiences with filming this type of content

[@samvaknin]

[e-mail]

[@GS-xg4nz]

Can't remember who said it but this stuck with me..."50% of American marriages end in divorce. The rest stumble on with the aid of addictions, affairs and silently brewing resentment".

[@oliviajae298]

@@GS-xg4nz spot on.

[@bigirlgayah3589]

מדהים ידע זה כוח תודה

[@ricsi137]

Thanks Dr.Vaknin for this video.For people like me ,who come from traditional and God abiding families ,these things are hard to understand. But you explain it very nicely.I would never understand such kind of people and what goes in their mind ,if you would not have explained it.Although I have got a little uncomfortable and am leaving this video half unseen ,but this gave me new perspective.

[@karmic-brands]

What starts as mutual agreement (with rules), decays into entitled to anything goes, and purposeful passive aggressive disrespect... kaboom, anger filled end of that story!

[@danteskl720]

Did you mean to say 'Bitter Moon' by Roman Polanski? Both, actually, were good movies dealing with narcissistic protagonists!

[@samvaknin]

Bitter Moon. MY BAD.

[@b4udelaire]

Society practices may become more narcissist in the future because there are now more means to supply narcissists desires, which doesn't mean that there will be a increased number of real narcissists, since the personality aquisition is contingent, right? If narcissism is not something one can learn or unlearn, what's the reason to worry?

[@LibertyCairde]

I think this is my favorite video of yours. I fully expected to hear how awful and unhealthy my kinks were, but you were rational and extremely knowledgeable! I wish I had known this when I was 18 and married to a cuck, now I’m 35 and finally accepting of myself. BDSM literally saved my sanity, so I’m so glad to hear others speaking honestly and not shaming those of us in the lifestyle.

[@sazonada]

Thank you for this comment. I couldn’t bear to watch this (and another one of his) because it seemed to suggest that only sick people are kinky. I don’t think I’ll watch it, but I’m glad to see I gets the approval of someone who understands

[@RomanticRomeoCasanova69]

Corno manso blessings from the romantic one to Lady Liberty as well, for that is the way of your meek horn husband. 🙏

[@pamelasmith2388]

BDSM can be yet another path to self awareness ,self realization and self actualization .So beautiful ,creative and intimacy deepening ,BDSM teaches mutual trust ,respect and clear communication .Those who engage in D/s relationships ,seldom swing with others .Is this true for you ?

[@annarboriter]

You play the cards you are dealt. Congratulations on the finesse

[@annarboriter]

@@pamelasmith2388 Since her partner is an admitted cuck, I suspect that there is some degree of ethical non-monogamy

[@7romosky836]

Happy to find this video. Maybe I’m a narcissist but at least I’m introspective and have a healthy desire for knowledge. I do want to be a good member to society and I realize that the traditional structure of intimacy between man and woman may be the most common path to success as far as raising a family goes. That said, I’m still very interested in hotwife and swinging. I never thought of myself as nut case but who knows… lol. My Fiancé and I have dabbled 5x now. I love her and I do commit and I am making plans to take care of her when she is old and not as hot on the marketplace anymore. I travel the world for work and she gets to do what she likes when I’m at work. Ideally I would to. Ok … I get it … I can be a manipulative jerk. Life is short and so many people are hung up on trivial nonsense given the context of what is our world. Live your best life is what I say.

[@margaritagomez3490]

This is the devil telling you this. But when you read the Bible Jesus says stay away from worldly ways…. Because you are never satisfied and you keep spiraling downward. I’m just trying to find out what a narcissist is. Due to the one I know.

[@7romosky836]

@@margaritagomez3490 oh come on. I probably know about Jesus more than you. Most people his teachings are confined to the Bible. Seek the truth my friend.

[@margaritagomez3490]

@@7romosky836 likewise.

[@thomasprice3706]

I’ve been mentally into it and talked about it and I have so much shame from it. Do you ?

[@7romosky836]

@@thomasprice3706 no I don’t carry any shame regarding my sex life.

[@caribind3]

Narcissist = Me, myself and I.

[@paxshanti108]

I’m a MENU person, who healed my lifelong codependency, and was finally divorcing my SCRAPS covert narcissist husband of 25 years. He killed himself on 12/7, abandoning our 2 children. He introduced kink into our relationship at the very start. Over a long evolutionary (?) process, I became drawn to polyamory, for its potential for additional genuine connection. My finally meeting a wonderful, kind, healthy, trustworthy secondary partner became my husband’s self-inflicted undoing.

[@oliviajae298]

I have a lot of poly friends who were able to realize their primary was a narc by finally receiving real connection with a secondary. Do you! Sorry for kid's loss, what a douche.

[@paxshanti108]

@@oliviajae298 STOP! How did you know my exact story?!?!?!?!?!

[@xposa5137]

I just broke up with my secondary, who turned out to be a narcissist. Talking about a twist..

[@JS-em8lz]

Wish know 40yrs ago

[@helenhoward5346]

I think the only reason swingers claim to have satisfactory marriages is bc of increased likelihood of adventurous sex with each other which stimulates vasopressin (bonding hormone you get as you're mutually "struggling" with another for a shared goal, a unit's military comrades in combat for instance or just simply doing exciting challenges or dedicated mutual accomplishments with your intimate partner particularly if the two feel alienated somehow by others around them. I mean I get the allure but imo nothing like that is worth crossing that boundary for the sake of titillation and arousal. I can kinda see how sharing those new daring experiences with your partner might appeal to some but I think most ppl would find this highly impersonal honestly unless somehow it's not and then you might perceive or receive a threat to your prioritized status in the relationship and vice versa. Once you open up that pandora's box you can't undo such a thing if you find yourself deeply affected by just the thought of your partner demonstrating "courting" techniques he did with you at the beginning. Then if it's reciprocated, it gets more intense and now you have the added complication of a third party and her feelings+motivations and how those will impact your partner's feelings about her and then your relationship if the side chick stipulates monogamy in an infatuation or long term secondary affair (for example).

[@JimKJeffries]

J.Donne, wrote a poem about the notion of monogamy that always stuck with me. What is the point of rigging a ship if you do not sail it? He uses deer, to make a similie, but I thought of bees/butterflies going from flower to flower. I thought/think that if we experience our dreams we become free of them. We also are able to realize that most of the time what we dream of in our youth is externally based, and as such is close to meaningless. I never felt jealous or insecure because my borderline bride cheated on me. Me feeling insecure is only a sign to myself that I do not think myself worthy, and as such she won't return. And if she was to find a person that worked better for her, then it would be my privilege to have helped a person I care about find them. But atlas I didn't understand how broken she was/is or the idea pathological. I view sex as something that should be spoken about, before and after. I also wish there was less shame & virtue signaling. I may have the wrong word, but capercian. There is a joy in watching your love one be free, be themselves, and writhe in ecstasy, not to mention if you are close & able to share in the feeling they are having. All too often many hide their passions and desires for fears, they hide who they are for fears, they are not able to be free because of all they feel at risk & their willingness to serve fear. That said I met some amazing humans, great communications, solid relationships, that are non traditional in their approach.

[@Nymira]

Can you explain cuckoldy in a conservative society like Saudi Arabia? Its mostly men seeking it

[@evienleema101]

Saudi arabia ...its real

[@levimahaffey2608]

I heard it best from a comment I read awhile back a relationship with a narc only works if you are the best they can do money looks an status an you don't mind swinging. They are usually perverse people that need a partner to cooperate or remain hush about their twisted ways.

[@bryanbenaway5411]

All of the horrible feelings you describe in the victim of adultery are often the same feelings the perpetrator felt prior to deciding to stray. In many cases, if the victim had not victimized the perpetrator first, they would not have become a victim later at all. Faithfulness, for some reason, only conjures ideas related to our sexuality in people’s minds when applied to romantic relationships. However, there are many ways to be unfaithful in a relationship or marriage just as there are many ways to not be a faithful employee or business partner. I have often found that the person who is complaining about the unfaithful behavior of their partner has already been unfaithful to the relationship, and thus their partner, prior to the sexual transgression.

[@katechipata9934]

If my ex could afford a sex doll, he would get one so definitely a narc. He had a fleshlight that he loved, I had never seen or heard of one prior to dating him.

[@bigrockydennis4216]

Has Dr. Vaknin ever done a video addressing the rubber people? I've wondered about this latex fetish for many years now. It sounds like it must be terribly uncomfortable. But I totally understand having an aesthetic appreciation for a woman wearing a rubber mini dress since it clings so tightly to all those womanly curves. But I don't understand why some people like to dress up in a rubber gimp suit? Perhaps they're pretending like their another person when they do that, like putting on a second skin so to speak? Btw, The priest at my Church was discovered to be a rubber fetishist. In fact, a few years ago my priest went to the Philippines under the guise of going on a religious mission. He had to be medically evacuated back to the U.S. because of a severe bacterial infection he contracted due to drinking contaminated enema water from an Asian prostitutes rectum! Needless to say, he was removed from the Church since he was caught using Church funds to engage in "sex tourism."

[@lisam8793]

Oh. My. God. What the hell

[@kimlarso6622]

🎶

[@Srosechamp]

O M G

[@armyofone5904]

Damn.

[@fivegkills6111]

Clerics are the biggest crazies.

[@luckymaiskey2562]

Sam I am the golden child in my family and somehow if i manage to become a scapegoat of my narcissistic mother can I develop my seperate indentity/ego... As my brother who is a scapegoat and he is not a narcissist...

[@shosmyth1454]

How ELATED WILL THEY FEEL FROM LIFE AS A SWINGER, THREESOMES ETC. especially when they find themselves with Sexually Transmitted Diseases!! I hope all these Animals come to aid of their friends when they end up with Hiv-Aids in the end!! This is disgusting, and it is Special Love to have a one on one with your significant lover. But, it is nothing these narcissists would understand.

[@debmccafferty1007]

Had LDR blow up over phony photos. Glad to know in advance he was a fraud.

[@Chez8922-kf6cy]

You sound like you are hoping for these people to get hiv out of a hatred for them. They end up spreading it to decent normal innocent people don't ya know?

[@yyxy5798]

It's weird how most people get jealous n think they 'own' their partner. I think if you REALLY loved your partner you wouldn't put ANY restrictions on them .I want my Gurl to be happy unconditionally. Hard in reality to do though. If they love you they will always come back to you. If not, we'll better to know the truth don't ya think?

[@SySt3m]

Would you say that to parents who love their children? To not place any restrictions on them at all?

[@fran791]

A person who loves you back will never have any desire to sleep with anyone else