Boundaries, Assertiveness, and NPD

In this episode, Dr. Ettensohn discusses the important topic of boundaries. He provides a definition of interpersonal boundaries, discusses the reasons why boundaries are important for mental health and healthy relationships, discusses the problems with boundaries that often occur in pathological narcissism and NPD, and provides some basic tips for assertive behavior.
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References:
Hörz-Sagstetter, S., Caligor, E., Preti, E., Stern, B. L., De Panfilis, C., & Clarkin, J. F. (2017). Clinician-Guided Assessment of Personality Using the Structural Interview and the Structured Interview of Personality Organization (STIPO). Journal of Personality Assessment, 100(1), 30-42.
Lingiardi, V., & McWilliams, N. (Eds.). (2017). Psychodynamic diagnostic manual: PDM-2 (2nd ed.). The Guilford Press.
Mahler, M. S. (1972). Rapprochement subphase of the separation-individuation process. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 41(4), 487-506.

[@i.ehrenfest349]

Difference when I listen to other NPD podcasts and this one: most of the time when listening to other podcasts I want to react against the perceived narcissist in my life. I feel indignant and self-righteous. I sense at such a moment that this can’t be completely right, but it scratches an itch and with a few annoying misgivings I go on feeling that I’m the wronged party and the narcissist owes me something, if only an admission of being wrong and me being right. I think you can guess how such an attitude goes over with the narcissist, as it would with most people. After this podcast I don’t usually feel any less determined about keeping boundaries intact against the perceived narcissist, but I’m also inclined to turn inward and recognise my own narcissistic tendencies, and the relativity of any judgement in general, given that there is a clear logical path leading to both the narcissist’s behaviour and my own. I know which feels healthier.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for your feedback!

[@user-rh9gc3rf3x]

Well said.

[@Amenoka]

Exactly!!

[@Grelotmystiqueetal]

It is wonderful to have a rational video, with scientific data and professional opinions, instead of videos by « gurus ». Thank you.

[@user-rh9gc3rf3x]

👍

[@jeremymetcalf2502]

My wife had porous boundaries. She had her own mental issues and it was really hard on both of us. I didn't realize I had NPD until she passed. Going through her phone opened up a whole new world about how I see myself. It's just a damn shame she had to die for me to realize it.

[@imm0rtalitypassi0n]

I am so sorry for your loss, and for however it must feel for you to gain such awareness after her death. I wish you healing and peace.

[@whitewings2363]

I'm so sorry 😞 I'm glad you're searching this out, even though she isn't with you anymore. It's a wonderful way to honor her. ❤️

[@jeremymetcalf2502]

@@whitewings2363 turns out I really don't have npd. My wife was bi polar with heavy trauma and ptsd. Anything I did was narcissistic to her. I wasn't allowed to have my own feelings so I shut down, and it looked like I was being narcissistic.

[@whitewings2363]

@jeremymetcalf2502 you made her feelings into your interjections. I'm so sorry. That must have been really hard to deal. I'm glad you've figured it out. But, maybe feeling like a narcissist and knowing how much it troubled you, it has given you a outlook on people with the disorder, that you might have compassion. Bipolar disorder can be treated with meds, but not much else works. My ex us bipolar as well. Let me know if you'd like any resources, cause I have some books that I could send you. I've read them all, but they really helped me to understand and to not take things personally. No reason for them to sit around collecting dust if you can use them. I realize she's gone, but you can still heal. I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult journey you've been through.

[@jeremymetcalf2502]

@@whitewings2363 I have friends who are supporting me. Ironically, just like everyone else in a widow support group, everyone around you drops like flies when it comes to support. The reason I thought I did, is because all of my depression, and holding in my problems made me numb. This to my bipolar wife looked like I was being a narcissist because I was too ashamed to talk about it. I seek attention from people, and I can look like a narcissist at times, mainly because of my screwed up childhood. I didn't even know she was in a bipolar support group until a close friend of hers revealed that's where they met. So I had to unpack a lot of hidden stuff, and that helped me with coping. I'm still depressed AF she's gone, and I'm still having trouble finding a job so that's been a little heavy. I appreciate your kindness on the books though.

[@bztbzt11]

Thank you again for a great video! My caregiver never taught me healthy boundaries because she had no sense of what a good boundary looks like. It was only ever permissive or inflexible. Any trespassing of those extreme boundaries was met with extreme anger and verbal abuse. Any attempt at me creating a boundary of my own was also seen as an attack. I spent my childhood feeling that I had no ownership of my body and myself. My caregiver would use psychological and developmental terms against me. She would chastize me for falling into more "primitive" developmental stages, even naming the stage and reminding me how out of line it was with my age. My caregiver has a background in child development and psychology. Funny enough, my caregiver would tell me regularly that she was a "good enough" parent, with my friends' parents being subpar in her eyes. She was the better parent because of her education and economic status. As you mentioned, we all have our own deficits and the reminder at the end is super helpful. For me, many times compassion meant forcing myself to try and forgive, which led to me experiencing more harm. Boundaries are always going to be a work in progress for me, but setting a boundary of no contact with my caregiver was one of the hardest and most worthwhile things I have done in my life. If she won't be proud of me for standing up for myself, then I will.

[@healnpd]

You are very welcome. My best to you in your continued self work. 😊

[@steviep9780]

I applaud you for standing up for yourself! My main caregiver was suffocating. Any attempt at individuation was quickly and severely quashed. No contact is not just preferable, it's necessary for people like us. Congratulations on becoming YOU.

[@whitewings2363]

Dang, I'm so sorry. That must have been so devastating. Especially if you bought into it, because it would feel like you're the problem since she's doing it ALL right. Big hugs

[@cLuStErBMiLkShAkE]

I remembered a memory where my daughter felt safe with me, regarding the child venturing out but looking back to make sure the caregiver was still there. We were on a river rafting excursion. I only went bc I didn't trust my sister or mother to keep my daughter safe. On the water my daughter fell into the raft when a huge wave hit. I grabbed her by the arm and pushed her back up into a position to safety. Later my daughter said that she wasn't worried when she fell bc she knew I would save her. That day I wore a badge of honor of being a good parent.

[@kerreighclaire6543]

Dr. Ettensohn, I am so very grateful that I discovered your videos. To learn more about NPD, from, at last, a clinical standpoint, has helped me immensely. Often, is very difficult and painful to love someone with this disorder. You have provided an invaluable window into what the person is struggling with , on a very intimate a humanizing level. You have helped me to understand what it means to have npd, instead of making these individuals out to be monsters, preying on the innocent. That may be the case for a some, yet, through your videos, I have learned that those suffering with npd, are deep down, suffering greatly, on a multitude of levels. Your videos have helped me in my own journey to understanding the importance of personal growth and securing and maintaining my own boundaries. We are all a work in progress, for sure. I continue to view your videos as means of education and clarity as I move forward. Thank you for all you do! Please know that your work is so appreciated and valued! You truly are a wonderful source of guidance and support! : )

[@healnpd]

❤️

[@klarag7059]

💯% agree!

[@angelsone111]

Well stated!

[@ZohaibAfzal]

Always waiting for your video, please do upload more.

[@healnpd]

@ZohaibAfzal - I’m working on it. Getting a good workflow is difficult. 🫠

[@Unfancy_]

The topic created some 'pop stars' on social media who benefit from the demonization of certain people or behaviors. I think your approach is both clear and respectful at the same time.

[@healnpd]

@unfancy6932 - Thanks for your feedback. Demonizing this form of mental illness is extremely low hanging fruit. Whipping up vitriol and moral outrage by othering some group of people and blaming them for the world’s ills has always been a reliable way to get a following.

[@catherineblair550]

@@healnpd I believe it hurts everyone in society and all our relationships. It causes everyone to diagnose everyone else with narcissism and cut them out of their lives without even first mentioning to that person they are mad or offended. "No Contact" is no longer finally resorted to after years and tears of trying to work it out; it now manifests as ghosting someone over a single one-time conflict or argument....because after all, since narcissists can't change, why bother communicating with them?

[@cupoftea2957]

There's no requirement that you be anything other than exactly who you are, in this exact moment, feeling whatever you feel. I just breathed a sigh of relief when you said this. It's the opposite of the compulsion to always be doing that gets instilled in you as a 'used child' Thank you so much for this and all your videos. .

[@tanislichti578]

I love this. I have so much empathy for someone in my life who is what I’ve finally perceived to be npd. I want them to succeed and break themselves out of the prison they have created. They have so much potential, but will never rise to it especially if I don’t stop enabling/placating them. Boundaries are so important. Very hard though, especially when they are a parent.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

From what I have seen, it seems to be more a slow untangling of a Gordian knot than a "breaking out". I wish you and your loved one well

[@terjepedersen4080]

I'll join in with the "wonderful to have a rational video" etc. Mark, I very much appreciate how you describe the different aspects of the NPD, also the underlying reasons and causes of NPD, that help me better understand what this is about. We are dealing with humans who are really struggling with huge challenges inside, and not cynical demons. You "humanize" them, but also clarify the importance of boundaries set by the victim. Thank you!!!

[@refreshingAnd]

“Spoiler alert” for Goldilocks. 😂 Love it. Thank you for making this video. It was helpful.

[@isobelle.London]

Honestly I love these explanations because it’s literally what I experienced and I had no words to articulate it . Knowledge is healing . He didn’t go past age 3-5 and I’d say this feeling insane .

[@imwritingapoemaboutit]

Introjection - i didnt know the word but that describes the hell ive lived in for most of my life. Only ever seeing myself through the eyes of others.

[@user-rh9gc3rf3x]

Same

[@peggyon1]

Wow. I'm intrigued by the root causes of narcissism and was mesmerized by the thoughtful, measured, insightful approach of Dr. Ettensohn. He is a wonderful teacher. I've never heard such a concise explanation of what injures an emerging self. Bravo.

[@JKDVIPER]

For anybody watching if I could just give you a short version to go with the good DOCS description, it’d be this, 1. NARCISSIST is more worried about the LOOK. 2. BORDERLINE has more separation and attachment issues. 3. ANTI SOCIAL might feel similar to the others; but there’s a harmful component. 4. HISTRIONIC disorders. More fire in a theater panics. That’s being cheap with it. But after watching this I really see the difference between them. Borderline: issues of the heart. Aggressive behavior is over asserting. Passive is also manipulative. Assertive is the best. You can just allow life to happen at life’s speed without fear of a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding is normal. Not agreeing, having different views. Differences of opinion. Engage in self care. No need to hurt, fight, dominate, or subjugate. ☺️🤙🏿💯

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

I have enormous issues with boundaries, especially perceiving my own or others'. I don't know that my boundaries are crossed until minutes later, and I don't know if I crossed another's until they get visibly angry at me, and I can't tell if someone is angry at me or frightened. I have issues with both weak and inflexible boundaries simultaneously, and it's no doubt as confusing to others as it is to me. My sense of self is effed up and my emotions are completely mysterious to me if I don't get feedback from others. The one thing about narcissism I really resonate with is "Negative evaluations of [me] are perceived as fact," just like the saying "Listen to your critics, because they're right." Conversely though, I perceive compliments as strategic flattery or pointless small talk. Also... yeah. Huge borderline functioning here.

[@imwritingapoemaboutit]

Massively relatable

[@imm0rtalitypassi0n]

Someone dear to me with v-npd struggles greatly to believe any praise, supportive or kind words given to him- mostly by those closest to him. He has said it all seems disingenuous and like a covert contract to extract something from him like to return the gesture or convince him of their feigned goodness. He said this is a constant battle even when he wants to believe it and knows he rationally should. If it helps you folks listening at all- I always meant every kind and supportive word I said to him. It was never a "ploy", but sometimes a desperate attempt to allow him to see himself as I did. To this day, I think of him with love despite a betrayal via "reverse-discard" attempt that led us both to our first and only argument- he hasn't reached out since. And yet I still stand by everything I told him about his merits and goodness. I wish all of us on this complex spectrum of c-ptsd the ability to receive and return healthy love and heal our wounds. It may take time, but I hold hope for us all. ❤️‍🩹

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n Okay, this made me tear up a bit. I relate completely to your description of your ex. It's a very sad existence in the best of times and painfully empty at worst.

[@imm0rtalitypassi0n]

@@AlastorTheNPDemon I teared up as well when I was writing it. I wish I knew what I know now about these nuanced, crucial factors before he and I tried to connect. I wish you, he, and all of us love. ❤️‍🩹

[@imm0rtalitypassi0n]

@@steffenirgens7022 hmm, I'm not sure. We onced mentioned it and he's definitely introverted, so an "i" something but he couldn't remember which he was. It may have been "I.S. something"

[@unkup0w]

The best content out there, as always. Thank you.

[@healnpd]

I appreciate that 🙂

[@loserchan2360]

I really appreciate your videos as someone with BPD+NPD and as someone who has had poor relationships with someone with NPD in my past

[@athinav.5995]

This is very helpful. - What I find interesting though, is that with your videos you make a case for a compassionate understanding of the narcissist, and for the compassion that the narcissist needs to develop for themselves. However, you never shed light to the compassion the narcissist can feel for others at different stages of their healing. There is a missing element in the equation of the healing process. Others need to understand the narcissist but the narcissist doesn't need to understand others? What does healing look like in real life?

[@MrNoopNoop]

Dr. Ettensohn this is so brilliantly put together and articulate. It makes so much sense. You bring complicated concepts and notions down to a format that makes it so easy to consume, relate to, and understand. From someone with NPD breaking out of the condition, I can so clearly identify with the things you describe. Thank you for all that you do. (And oh what a great example of assertiveness you displayed in this video) In a brilliant book titled "The narcissistic family”, the notion of 'underuse/overuse of power' was given, which I found to be quite similar to your concepts of 'passive/agressive': A way of framing that is very helpful! Hence maybe why healing from such disorders makes one feel more centered/balanced… Cheers

[@healnpd]

Thanks for your feedback🙂

[@CraigDavis949]

One of the best videos on NPD that I have seen. Thank you!

[@healnpd]

Thanks for watching. 😊

[@Martinneville-tn6rf]

Wish to express thanks for the amount of time and care and thought to develope all these videos that are beyond helpful :- thank you

[@healnpd]

Thanks for watching!

[@SymphonieDuVide]

Thank you so much for this video, your explainations are so clear. Having a stable self esteem looks like an unreachable goal to me... Eather grandiose moments or useless moments is really tiring on the long run, and at 30+ yo i still feel that i am empty inside, that i dont know myself. I am gonna meditate your last sentence : I am a separate self, not alone. Thanks a lot 🙏

[@theforeigner6988]

16:33 this is gold. Forty years of my life I didn't know a thing about boundaries, and that it's ok to have them. Thank you. Life changing.

[@herajean5957]

This was so so good I watched it twice, certain segments double that, very good explanation

[@eriomnyc6073]

This is wonderful . I find that very emotionally healthy ppl can do this automatically

[@theforeigner6988]

This is very helpful. Thank you.

[@angelsone111]

Thabk you for this and your approach to a topic that is being explored by countless people who vilify rather than provide balanced reasonable and a practical approach to what is so difficult. It brings understanding that doesn’t judge but clearly states facts.

[@seanlyons4197]

I'm so excited about this perspective.

[@sweet2sourr]

Thank you for putting in time to share this information with us.

[@healnpd]

@sweet2sour-bpd - My pleasure. Thanks for watching!

[@Mossdala]

Thought provoking great episode for anyone to view and reflect about.

[@victoriaallen3753]

Thank you for this video.

[@Rena-tq7qb]

Thank you for your beautiful explanation around those interesting topics! In this video you also talked shortly about "projection"! Could you make a separate topic of "projection"? Not just about "what" it is, but also why it happens! Already for many years I am surprised by the projections of others towards me! Sometimes I feel like I am a huge projection-screen myself! In one way that is quite interesting, but sometimes I'm also deeply tired of it. I don't really judge it when they do, but I don't feel seen by the people who are doing that as well. Mostly it tells me more about them than about myself. But "why" is it happening so often on me? Is that because people feel free to project because I don't judge easily? In the last 2 years I have been 3 times accused of having an affair with somebodies husband! And honestly: nothing happened.... not even a thought! What is it that people are putting their thoughts or fantasies on another person? Can you please explain a bit more?

[@Rena-tq7qb]

I do not experience just negative projections. I experience positive projections as well in which I don't recognise myself!

[@nunu3196]

I've been waiting for your new video! This video was again immensely helpful. Send you love and gratitude from South Korea.

[@healnpd]

Awesome! Thank you!

[@franlewis1607]

Superb. I gained insight into boundaries that I had missed in the past, saw the opposites of perfection and worthlessness which was relevant, and learned a very good lesson. Your video teachings are priceless. Many thanks to you.

[@googlespyfranchise9089]

Wow. Fantastic stuff. Such a breath of fresh air. I love the deep explanation and academic knowledge. This is great. Really helpful. Thank you!

[@jodisherland5335]

I was in a relationship with a person I couldn't stand. We fought constantly and I resented him because I couldn't leave him and being with him was torture. He was violent and would bring other girls around....it's was all messed up. I kept asking everyone why do I feel dead when I leave him? Why do I need to be with someone I can't stand being with? I realized I was feeling myself through him! I was living in the streets with him for years and I was moved into a homeless shelter two hours after I realized the pain of leaving him wasn't me missing him. It was the pain of me missing myself. I spent 1.5 years in shelter and now I'm in my own apartment still single. I've spent an entire year sitting with myself. I uncovered many unconscious habits patterns and false beliefs. I have gotten isolated tho so I'm very happy that I found ur videos.

[@user-lz7iw1eu5e]

This is very very important for me, thank you. I know I'm in the phase of idealizing something new since I'm always looking for a holy grail to stop my internal pain, but this is very important and I'll work hard to use it in the future when I'm surprised and don't know how to assert myself, I'll try my best to understand this deeply and not be overly agressive or passive agresive, this is simple and works, I don't understand why for me it's so important that things are explained in such simple terms but I think it may make sense if I think that I got stuck at the borderline development phase which is way earlier than I even imagined, and to know that others may have those same needs still unmet and unprocessed completely, of course we are already adults, talking about me and my ex and my brothers and family members, and we have different attributes besides being in the borderline development phase in terms of coping and individuation, but it's interesting as I never did dive deeper into what exactly was the borderline, since english is not my first language I thought I just left it at that and didn't comprehend fully, but this is the type of explanation that has always given me a lot of internal fullfilment in terms of creating soothing to my pain in a very therapeutic way because I can finally understand something that is talked about by the professionals and I thought didn't make sense and that I didn't need to understand what sense it may have, I always have been embarrased to ask and probably didn't know where to begin, of course there are going to be therapeutic tools that I might not need to understand fully but certainly understanding the connection between my behaviour and the behaviours of children development process is very important for me to understand what it means when people said that I just needed to grow up, self adulting and self parenting, those books sure are very important to understand the development of the mind and sure are very helpful in dealing with issues of development trauma probably more than the investigations of attachment trauma which are also very good to understand surely, and this understanding of the mind in terms of it's development and how development can be stuck from an early age really helps me differentiate the mind from the brain, and creates a lot of hope knowing that I'm not totally alien and my behaviors are shared by other people because of how development works, it's easy to see a child and see how they develop over time, it's a fast process from 1 to 4 years and beyond but also people understand what the diffcult 2s mean and it's because we allow in children the process for them to florish because we can see physically that they are growing fast, physically and in their behaviour, learning to talk and showing a lot of result every day even surprising us so much, this development slows down but we should have the same kind of curiousity about the teenage years which are so important for an adult to fully mature and have the necessary coping mechanisms to deal with the internal conflicts that await ahead when we are supposed to be independant for real. It's a journey. I tend to overthink and overanalize and I hope I don't create trouble but I'm just so in need of human connection haha

[@Downgrader]

Dr. Ettensohn, do you make considerations for individualistic vs. collectivistic cultures that might alter your conclusions? E.g. in a highly individualistic society like the U.S., supportive friendships and community are often scarce, or at least not inbuilt, which might lead to equally or more impactful consequences when considering ending an abusive relationship. I wonder how this might contribute to endemic loneliness and alienation in much of the West.

[@daisybrown3819]

Thank you Thank you Thank you 😊

[@healnpd]

Welcome 😊

[@anneobermeyercameron7775]

I would love to hear your insights on trauma bonds

[@Wasp239]

I find your content to be very useful. I'm not NPD, as far as I know, but it's very useful for me too. Thank you.

[@healnpd]

Glad to hear that!

[@bozbicidianamaria9232]

Thank you!

[@karenb.9199]

Thank you for your videos! Your saying what I have been thinking abt narcissism for a long time.

[@healnpd]

Thanks for watching. :)

[@wildmeadows8495]

I am a separate self. Dr. Ettensohn, you know where I walk. Thank you.

[@sheiladay-od2me]

I appreciate your knowledge and wisdom. This video on interpersonal boundaries solidified most of my understanding of boundaries and contributed new information as well. Thank you.

[@CharlesTheDragon]

Could you do a segment on people with NPD or similar conditions in work places, and especially in relationship to their bosses and supervisors? This channel has helped me understand issues with a previous employee that I found bewildering until I realized that narcissistic behavior was more than likely the cause. It’s been a godsend to have such clear, kind, and skillfully constructed information made more available on this subject through your channel.

[@superespiritual1553]

This was beautiful, thank you.❤

[@healnpd]

You're welcome 😊

[@trevorbadger91]

Another outstanding video. Thank you so much for the work you are doing!

[@healnpd]

Much appreciated!

[@jeancsnyman8692]

Thank you for your compassionate insights on NPD. Your approach challenges the black-and-white thinking that often surrounds this condition. Recognizing the pain and survival instincts behind narcissistic behaviors, rather than demonizing those who suffer, is a breath of fresh air. Inspired by your work, I’m considering furthering my education in this field at 45. Your reference to “The Four Agreements” resonates deeply with me.

[@jasonlivermore9196]

Why do people with NPD engage in fantasies? Why would someone engage in fantasies where they know exactly what to say or "win"? I don't feel any better after them, but I keep engaging in them.

[@co5mo]

i would love to share the adaptive boundaries concept without associating with npd ❤ i will manage somehow thanks Dr. you are the best

[@Wasp239]

Beautiful video!

[@healnpd]

Thank you very much!

[@sarahcouture24]

Whoa! When you described porous boundaries, you totally described embarrassing things that I do… good to know…

[@Thelifeofcody]

Hey Doc, thank you so much for the clarity. I can't understand why people would be mean, unless they incorrectly feel blamed for the mistreatment of others. Perhaps you can make more videos on how do we heal from being raised by a narcissist. How do we strengthen the self, and quit relying on a false self that has never served us? Thank you so much for what you do.

[@sweet2sourr]

Is there any books you recommend on being a good enough parent

[@TishaMini-zi3gv]

So helpful! Thanks

[@dutchyisa]

Could you make a video talking about NPD vs being Autistic ? Sometimes the outward behaviour gets confused with eachother and i wonder what is your take on it?

[@LowenKM]

Thx, Doc... important distinctions between 'boundaries', both for others and ourselves, and their relationship with ones own ego. Personally also find that boundaries also vary a lot by 'culture', with say northern European cultures, especially Germans & Scandinavians being much more 'reserved', than for example 'Mediterranean' ones.

[@lesiaponomarenko353]

It seems to me that these cultural differences are only notable in general context. When people get close enough to each other, neurology kicks in, and all these boundary issues will have the same "textbook" symptoms in all cultures..

[@LowenKM]

@@lesiaponomarenko353 Perhaps, though there's a reason the famous painting "the Scream" was created by Edvard Munch, a Norwegian, rather than say, an Italian! ;-p

[@irinadumitru9088]

I ' D generally say that narcs greatest issues are boundaries.They re pretty much unable to respect one at least....depending on their level of grandiosity!

[@Antonocon]

My father called me pig or Biafran when he was being nice. Not capable of normal human interaction. I moved continents away. My mother would defend him against any criticism at any time, yet equally complain herself about him all the time. Incredible quagmire of dystopia they created together. So happy to be so far away from them. I actually think though that it's not that uncommon to have these types of insults in relationships though, especially in my country of origin. I'd cut them off completely if I could be but need to grey rock them with phone calls so they don't disturb my current life. Which they have tried when I cut them off in the past.

[@jesseskellington9427]

I am legally bound by the court system to be in a relationship with a mentally abusive person who continues to cross my boundaries along with our children. I have consulted with the police multiple times consulted with nine lawyers to judges over 12 mental health physicians here in the local Seattle area. I also belong into mini groups have to deal with this type of legal dynamic within the family. Who seems to be zero help. Unless you have physical damages. Having evidence such as emails numerous police reports matter to nobody within the community that would be able to support me not alone my children you have suffered this dynamic since 2010. With his campaign of 17 alienating strategies that was done to Albert Einstein and even he did not get out of this dynamic. Then what hope do I have... I fight everyday.. One day I will help the world find peace from this intergenerational inner community dynamic.

[@missrose5261]

I am not a social person, I dont like to hear everyone problems, dilemmas I got my own, but still I care about ppl.I had a neighbour who thinks she can knock my door anytime for socialising, I told her she is welcome in my house, but she needs to call before😅 Who am I?

[@m_butterfly2]

"You are welcome in my house, but you have to call before" sounds reasonable and assertive.

[@aninconspicuousbox2701]

Thanks for the video Doc Great stuff as always It's quite surprising really as if anything It always struck me that narcissists were "masters of boundaries". It wasn't that we were good at manipulating much more than most people but that we were just good at keeping boundaries air tight and able to squeeze our way through other peoples boundaries if it was any less secure than ours. It's rather obvious ofcourse that one shouldn't be aggressively overstepping boundaries but I guess there's such a thing as having boundaries too closed off. Just things to keep in mind I guess. Anyways thanks for the quality content again

[@user-ly8ft2wb1c]

My narcissistic mother DEMANDED her children hand over their paychecks & she would give them an allowance; I refused ; found her control issues unbearable. Later my siblings did the same to THEIR children. Even later a sister demanded to dictate MY WILL, HER WAY. Interestingly, this sister instructed me to maintain relationships with my mother’s sisters “because they had no children & would have to leave their money to someone”. I told her how terrible that was & asked what would happen if I didn’t have children; would she do that to me? She obviously didn’t get it as the WILL incident demonstrated. Even stranger - all her efforts to ensnare money from others failed. Last month the last maternal aunt passed at the age of 96 & did not leave anything to this sister. Most people KNOW when they’re being played. This sister’s son was arrested for unwanted touching & larceny by deception. It’s an intergenerational trauma; an unwanted gift that keeps on giving.

[@giampierofrischi527]

Great video... i am still trying to understand what does it mean to internalize external objects. I am gueting a grasp on what are these defenses.

[@bpassion4fashion581]

First of all, I am impressed by your eloquence in delivering a well balanced overview of how does it look like to become assertive and have boundaries with people who suffer from this mental disorder. I have dealt with mentally disordered individuals for over 25 years ( more if I would count my childhood upbringing.) btw: all in the cluster B including BPDs. First of all, you are the first person who I encounter that is advocating for the stigmatization of people with NPD. This lands on me as fair and humanizing. Kudos to you ! I can attest that these type of people that cost so much harm with their behavior and emotional programming, are not 💯. evil, although their manipulation and conning behavior can feel that way at times. I don’t say this lightly, as I have years of being on the receiving end of this type of abuse. Yet, I have studied the subject, not only by the thousands of hours spent on KZbin, which may contain everything from accredited experts,to life coaches and survivals of NPD abuse sharing their valuable knowledge, but the countless of peer reviewed findings, books, theraphy sessions, women’s group , self help courses, and lastly a degree in psychology, ufffff ! That’s a lot of years in the subject. Yet, I am still here searching for how to fully be free of people with this disorder who don’t understand the word NO. I guess it’s true that in some cases it comes down to the bare minimum which is going NO CONTACT. My question / concern is , how do I protect myself psychologically and emotionally while at the same time I don’t dehumanize this individual whose emotional capacity is so limited that either he goes on narcissistic rage and verbally abuse me , or switch to delusional thinking , but never accepting or hearing the NO that I am clearly stating !???????

[@azarahwagner2749]

I commend your efforts but NPD is near impossible to overcome if the diagnosed patient is unwilling to change. Also NPD over time actually changes the brain/ frontal lobes so there is no capacity for critical thinking or consequences of their actions. Also many people/ youth have been misdiagnosed when actually they have CPTSD and or BPD .

[@bmphil3400]

NPD is caused by early childhood abuse by a narcissist parent.... therefore the front lobe never develops properly so they are messed up from the beginning due to poor emotional development and trauma from narcissistic parents. I don't think the narcissist comes before the brain changes....I think the brain changes happened very early.

[@estellesstories7467]

Thanks for this informative video. Really appreciate the concrete strategies you share. Would it be possible for you to add chapter links in your videos in future, or to add a comment with time stamps for an overview of the topics covered? They’re helpful to get situated in the content.

[@estellesstories7467]

(You do this well already in your verbal intro. Those could be your sub-headings,)

[@mollyringwerm9224]

Very well said.

[@rayjay292]

thank you, very good..

[@The_NutritionChef]

Fascinating

[@lesiaponomarenko353]

Thank you so much for this detailed explaination. Is it actually possible to construct a healthy perception of self in an adult with NPD or OCPD or personality types that have strong overlaps with these disorders, either through therapy or support of the loved ones? Thank you!

[@healnpd]

Yes. Every case is different, of course.

[@attheranch873]

👍

[@still_leuna]

The spoiler alert for goldilocks & 3 bears xD

[@sneha.capri_46789]

Hi Doc, how would you differentiate between bpd and covert narcissism? It’s mostly same thing coming from lack of sense of self.

[@healnpd]

This might be helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/kIuzZ5p3opp_bMUsi=h1xhkTLDwg471odw

[@memsaab2003]

How do I stop thinking about my narcissistic ex who was abusive throughout our relationship.

[@tanislichti578]

Take their power over you away by not thinking about them. Start dreaming about the power you have inside yourself to take small steps towards your dream. If you don’t have a dream, dream about what could be if anything was possible for you. You are powerful. It’s similar to being born in the slums and rising above. You got this. You are not a victim.

[@kimparke6653]

Well, the police won't help, otherwise a brilliant video.

[@witchitachick]

Where did Jung go?

[@healnpd]

I’m not sure if you meant to type “Jung” or “you”. If it’s the former, I’m sorry to say he has long since passed away. If it the latter, I’m happy to say that I’m right here. The holidays were hectic, as is the beginning of the year. I’m working on a new video. 🙂

[@bmphil3400]

My best friends wife is a severe narcissist and doesn't respect people's boundaries.....she would walk in on her daughters husband while changing.....after i told ger he was in there changing. I told my buddy i thought it was weird he just said "she always does that ..."

[@theforeigner6988]

3:30 so accurate 👍🏿 she kept nagging me constantly: what do you think...

[@derekwfrazier]

❤

[@malina3310]

🌟👍

[@annekenney6914]

Spoiler Alert - 😂 Cute!

[@AlonzoDuncan-nz9ne]

So i made him more into shame for exposing and holding accountable lol ill be the villan

[@KaarinaKimdaly]

I can tell you are reading from a teleprompter at points.

[@healnpd]

Yes. I don’t attempt to memorize the scripts to long form video essays. I spend a lot of time preparing these videos and I take accuracy of information very seriously.

[@markgamache6377]

This is why boundaries is a bad concept: Take the two concepts from the video: “Your not entitled to control other people’s behavior” “you can’t talk to me that way”

[@healnpd]

@markgamache6377 - Assertive boundaries would consist of something like, “Please don’t talk to me that way,” and then leaving the conversation if the person doesn’t respect the request. No one is entitled to control other people’s behavior, but you can absolutely leave the situation or the relationship if the other person refuses to respect boundaries.

[@markgamache6377]

@@healnpd okay I accept that explanation, thanks.

[@healnpd]

Happy to help. Thanks for watching. 🙂

[@Giga3D811]

thanks, this was wonderful. helped me gain clarity

[@healnpd]

Glad it helped!

[@lucianfox]

Can you make a video on Narcissistic entitlement