BPD and Why You’re Not Unlovable

[@Sparkle_Pony]

"Other people can not give you what you yourself don't have", was eye opening for me.

[@wownicole81]

I’m my biggest enemy and I hate it. Thanks for the videos Dr. Fox, they help a lot.

[@DrDanielFox]

I’m so glad they’re helpful. Be well

[@lolakauffmann]

@@wownicole81 Can relate. Time for the ministep-by-ministep self-befriending-procedure gang!

[@BuShi-j3x]

BPD - FAMILY IN YOUR HEAD oh my, this is the most accurate definition I've heard in my life. I feel like I could literally hear my parents in my head all the time, their annoying voices up there and it was so enraging. I'm so glad and relieved I'm kicking them out of MY mind. I can hear my own voice so much clearer and it feels AMAZING.

[@hammersaw3135]

I think people who have bpd and no trauma, have trauma that was so painful they blocked it out ylto protect themselves. It took me decades to remember what happened

[@katieg7679]

I think sometimes it feels more comfortable to feel unlovable, because opening up to the prospect of love brings up a lot of hurt for those of us who were rejected in childhood. I'd rather feel like I am unloveable but maybe can fix myself or earn it somehow, and have some control over it, than just think oh I guess I was lovable all along and let me put myself out there to have the door slammed in my face again. For me at least, it's been a struggle because it's painful either way I think about it.

[@awkwardemily15]

Oof, I can relate. I always feel like I need to earn it, but when I do something that is impressive to others I don't see it that way. Maybe I was happy about it when I first did it, afterward it doesn't feel like enough and I feel awkward getting positive feedback about it. Like "Stop trying to make me seem better than I am." It's very difficult trying to feel love and positivity about yourself, especially when it seems to never produce something fruitful. Hang in there. You're not doing this alone, although it probably feels like that. 💙

[@juliamorgan4878]

@@katieg7679 you’re right about this. It’s just too painful. Other people are so messed up, I don’t trust them with my heart. I can care about them empathize make them my priority and love them and all I get in return is abuse.

[@DianeMatlock-v6y]

It's who they are they don't have bpd, they become bpd... they are the Drama live within them...without them life is good...

[@smileychace]

your videos have helped me finally and truly understand so many things about myself, my illness, and the impact it has on the people who love me. with weekly therapy, my medications, and the education i am getting through your videos, i have been able to achieve stability for the first time in my life. i no longer blame myself (but am able to self-reflect and take accountability for bad behavior and learn to do better) or view myself as a villain, as we are so often portrayed. you’ve helped me learn so many coping mechanisms to self-soothe and regulate my own emotions. i am thankful for these videos because you speak about our illness with compassion. i hope all is well and am wishing for a happy and blessed new year for you ❤

[@blackdesiderataent]

I love the videos,I am 25,just recently diagnosed with BPD and borderline schizophrenia and listening to your videos has really g3lp3r

[@Sparkle_Pony]

Dr. Fox, How can i work on developing self compassion, self worth, & self esteem?? Trying to focus on accentuating my positive traits and accomplishments has not been enough to eliminate my strong feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, and Unlovability. There are times it makes me feel even worse about myself. Causing me to feel like they arent enough. Like i am undeserving of love because I'm not good enough. Will you please share some more methods or strategies to practice self compassion? As always, thank you for the hard work, thought, and effort you put in to your work! ❤

[@melodiejohnston9528]

Thank you. This is me, as your description ticks many boxes. I am grateful for your insight, and I wish I would have found this sooner. Oh, say 50 years ago, LOL. I'm unsure about my future; however, I really value the knowledge and awareness of the situation. Namaste.

[@VeronicaNicole4778]

A great video to start the new year! I can say I have that feeling of being lovable more than I ever have and it is in large part because of the insight I got from your videos… I have worked hard at reevaluating how I see things and not responding to situations impulsively as that never ends well. Thank you for your continued support of the people you work with and advocate for. Happy New Year to all who watch your videos. It you really do the work, get the insight and are dedicated to doing life different, nothing can stop you!!! And it can be a wonderful peaceful happy (not perfect) life 🥰

[@Farah4love]

It was so helpful and enlightening that I cried a little. Thank you; it feels like you are my spiritual father. ❤️ I'm thankful for you being here for us. Much love and gratitude. 🩵🫂

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad to hear that the video resonated with you! It's important to know you're not alone in this journey.

[@LiminalLegion]

You posted this video RIGHT when I was needing it most. Thank you so much. I sent this to my therapist to share what my thoughts had been like since I can't word myself well. This calmed my thoughts down a lot too

[@DrDanielFox]

I'm so glad to hear that this video resonated with you! It's great that you could share it with your therapist-communication can be tough sometimes, but you're doing an amazing job.

[@kirstenrissling879]

Or.. it's my 9 year old pointing out how I'm lazy and only lay in bed. That could be the voice that makes me feel unlovable. 😕

[@claudianohemiaraiza7029]

Thank you Dr Fox for sharing your knowledge for understanding BPD. Happy new year

[@The_2_Wolves]

I'm so grateful for your Doctor Fox. Things were going pretty good but I kind of am at a loss now. My ex-girlfriend (very recently and she broke up with me) has undiagnosed therefore obviously untreated BPD And a 20 plus year addiction problem. I'm codependent I know that for a minute so I've been there for the last 3 years by her side. 6 arrests in a year and a half, resulting in two County jails multiple times, prison once and a rehab. honestly locked up more than she was out with me. Emotionally physically financially I'm drained. I even gave up my car to pay a lawyer to put her in the rehab versus prison 5 months later she absconded and went to prison anyway But still I've been there. In jail there isn't much I could do so I would dictate chapters of your workbook into the jail system and send it to her and then we talked about it I would transcribe KZbin videos into text and send those I would play KZbin videos over the phone It was extremely expensive and at that point I don't even know how much of it was landing or if she was even paying attention However when she got to prison I was able to send the actual book so I just reboot your workbook and the big book on borderline personality disorder a DBT workbook and journals And that seemed to be the turnaround. She accepted it I actually said when she wished she had more than just that workbook She shows the correct path on the way out for the first time ever. She chose to go 2 hours away from her stomping grounds, and shows a transitional home as opposed to a regular house the big change though was she went into therapy immediately, just not BPD specific therapy So for the first time in 20 years she is sober which I'm very proud of. I'm not part of it anymore because she immediately broke up with me Which I didn't understand I went from being everything and all she had to not needed and a dear friend And I have a hard time with this change because I'm still very much in love with her and don't even know what really happened I was literally getting messages that said I love you and I can't wait for the future and now I'm just a dear friend Therapist talk to her about the BPD. She said she mentioned it to him but they didn't discuss it which I find odd as well And I am slowly getting pushed out of her life but yet she's still trying to hold on. There was lying cheating gaslighting with a favorite person that wasn't me So jumping straight to a friendship is pretty much impossible especially when she doesn't want to revisit the past "I don't live in the past " But meanwhile all my pain is in the past behavior. So basically you want to skate on it and move forward I obviously can't do that. I am very worried about where she's going to wind up going without dealing with this BPD The behaviors are still very much there I can see them I've been studying this for 2 years ever since I found it That's actually another thing, I found it. She'd still be running that hamster wheel if I didn't pay attention to her and realize that her behavior didn't make sense So she'd still be running that wheel and now she's got this great life going and she immediately cut me out of it And I just don't understand. I don't know if it's spitting on me I don't know if it's the empathy paradox But while I'm devastated she shows nothing. She can't hold space for me over her past behavior she can't tell the truth still she still has a lying issue which I believe is pathological and compulsive She swears she went through all 12 steps in a month I'm just afraid this pink cloud is going to dissipate and she's not going to have any tools in place to fight those triggers And I don't know what kind of place I have in her life anymore because I don't honestly know what my place was before now I referenced the BPD lens differently from my perspective. Every time something would happen where I would get hurt or she would do something wrong it always came down to was it BPD or addiction And obviously you know they mimic each other I always found a way to use the BPD lens as I called it to look at the situation and have it make sense from a BPD standpoint But she never contributed to anything never was able to show feelings explain feelings have discussions anything of that nature so I have always had to speculate So I honestly don't even know how much the last 3 years have been real I'm in a severe betrayal, right now with everything and I've learned and I am trying still to help but I don't know how much more good I can do I know BPD treatment has to be on her time she has to do it. She's not making time for it And I don't know what needs to happen the kicker in the ass and make her realize she needs to do this. I thought we had already done that I thought once I found it and we started doing the books I thought she just knew she had to do it I had no idea that she was going to just drop this ball So I keep trying to tell myself, as devastating as it is and as horrible as I feel inside, it had to be like this She's still lying literally over things I'm looking at while telling me I'm not seeing them, she's still got a favorite person that isn't me, she still needs to feel love with sex and I'm not anywhere near her, and she still having dysregulation cycles on me And that I called out because that's not fair anymore.. having a cycle on me and isn't fair to begin with the way she spoke to me over the last few years But you definitely don't get to break up with me and still make me your emotional punching bag. That's completely unfair And a simple I'm sorry the next day doesn't cut it when you're not doing anything to stop the behavior From what I can tell she's completely abandoned it. I haven't even heard about the work book in a minute, actually not since you got out of prison have I heard about it But if she's not going to revisit the past because she doesn't live there anymore than I can't heal I can't heal from her cheating if she can converse with the cheater anytime she wants and I have no right to ask her not to because I'm not her partner anymore I can't heal She's not doing anything to treat the BPD stop the behaviors and cycling on me. I can't heal If she's not doing anything about the pathological lying and still lying to me And then still gaslighting me on top, then I can't heal Everything points to no contact But I don't want to do that I can't heal but I don't want to leave her. What am I supposed to do How do you get people to see that they need the therap? Her self-awareness was always bad although if you ask her if she'd have a different answer She could accept that she has BPD when she was locked up. But then when she's arguing with me over something that she's completely wrong about because her rmotional reasoning was telling her different, There was no way that she would stop slow down freeze breathe anything. She would just continue to argue she was right So I just don't know what I can do anymore other than keep being a punching bag or walk away But after 3 years I am completely in love with her and I just don't want to do that to her and I know she's going to need me at some point because she doesn't have anybody else that knows about this I don't know maybe I just needed to get it out but I just don't know what I can do if there's anything I can do and I probably already know what I need to do I just really don't want to do it😢

[@ziggystardust457]

Happy New Year Dr Fox 🎉 Here's to another year of helpful videos 🍻

[@Zizou20009]

Happy New Year, Dr Fox! Thank you so much for everything you do.

[@Zelphraeya_]

12:48 *Gotta Catch Em' All! Nega-thoughts!* Yes, this was a huge turning point for me. It is very good to start off with working on a few at a time, such as the ones that pop into mind the most. The rest tend to resurface over time when we have the space to focus on them. It's definitely a journey and not a race.

[@DrDanielFox]

Absolutely! It’s all about taking it one step at a time and creating that space for healing. Glad to hear it’s been a turning point for you!

[@lolakauffmann]

Happy 2025! Great message at exactly the right time for me. Just disproved "perpetual disappointment loop" in real life & found this in my feed a few minutes after. And I can listen to these without getting triggered anymore. Rather amazing..

[@kayzeethecat9333]

Perfect timing, as per usual!

[@deothang]

I really appreciate you Dr Fox and thank you for being here for us all....May this year bring you all that you could of ever wished for.....P.S great tips......NO SURRENDER ! WE ARE WARRIORS!.....🎆 HAPPY NEW YEAR

[@wardeggerrobertmarius144]

Is my behaviors towards others influencing their behaviors towards me?

[@alexander3845]

Amazing video! Your top 5 videos! 💯

[@NarrowRDWalker2]

Not sure I care anymore. Oh wait, guess that means that I am sure I don’t. 2:41 - In high school I painted a picture almost identical to this. It had the figure holding knees in black and behind had the words love in color. Whoa. Pretty descriptive of emotion that pose of a humanoid figure is. I accept the fact that I will always push those I care about away and remain alone forever. Just need to keep professional life afloat to support myself and then just live my miserable life alone. Oh joy.

[@juliamorgan4878]

@@NarrowRDWalker2 Same

[@yalcintan7564]

Well with my experience best thing to do is learn to live with it and keep strong no matter what Keep going 💪 and you need a love turn on to the animals they will give you plenty of unconditional love rest is easier trust yourself and your heart.happy new year to everyone 😊.

[@sunniaknna6941]

Thank you ☺️

[@VeronicaNicole4778]

And a real DBT therapy has helped ALOT too!! I recommend that highly. Not just a therapist that knows of it, a legit DBT weekly therapy, with single and group sessions…

[@DrDanielFox]

👍

[@lisadolan689]

I’m just about to start DBT. I’m afraid. 😟

[@annamarsch6091]

`Maybe you`re intelligent....` (14:35) .....that made me laugh :D Thank you Dr . Fox and a very happy new year to you.

[@itallcomes2thisthend312]

You are the first one i have ever heard say BPD or PID is the most successfully treated disorder. I have lived , well , not 54 years, but the majority of my life with it , as well as extreme ADHD, thank God age has tempered the HD part, anyway, and my problem is never being able ro find a psychiatrist psychologist counselor, anybody once they found out I had the BPD it was like oh let me refer you to so and so I think they can help you better than me or I'm sorry sir our doctors are book up with too many patients at the moment maybe try another doctor maybe I can give you some references. It became so disheartening through the years that I gave up. So many times I would hang the phone up in tears. My bronlaw is a Dr. and he even said that they tell you in med school if you can steer clear of people with this because of the volatile nature. The one thing that has helped, I learned a long time ago and came to terms with having to deal with this and just begin to self rehabilitate and learn that I had issues with understanding and deciphering the intent and meaning when talking to people both from them and how I reacted. But I find Hope and what you said it was a very positive statement to hear. Thank you for caring and your insight

[@Theantinarc]

I don't have bpd but cptsd and I believe I am lovable but other people prove me wrong often.

[@EBFBUK]

When he says bpd is the most treatable pd,my bpd tells me that hes just saying that so i will believe him.but i believe everything else he is saying

[@vegetableautopsy3551]

The diagnosis roughly translates to, "damaged goods", better thought of as harder to love and therefore on the discount shelf or the garbage bin. The diagnosis means really kinda unfortunate to love. It's a personality disorder. I suppose the next topic will be how "imbeciles", "idiots", and, "morons (which are old clinical terms) aren't actually stupid. Ok fair enough buy they have below average intelligence. Having said that I think that the BPD diagnosis is suspiciously abstract with its eclectic diagnostic criteria. It's like Histrionic Personality Disorder. It was designed to discredit victims so that they are essentially trapped and can't fight off abuse. This is sad but what is even worse is that people with BPD like NPD leave a trail of victims. Likely No one's life is better for your being a part of it. You bring a great deal of misery and chaos with you and people do not like you much less love you. They "love" what they can get from you, what you can do for them, because you are quite likely a shitty human being who because you were abused feel entitled to take it out on others. No person is entitled to love. That's part of what makes it special. And it stands to reason that You do actually have to be "lovable". If you're somehow exempt from being nice, good or compassionate to people then don't concern yourself with how lovable you may or may not be. People care about how you treat them not your stupid hall pass for being a jerk from a therapist or your excuses. In fact, If you are a really reprehensible pos people will celebrate the news of your death. This world and its inhabitants are not your toys or punching bags.

[@juliamorgan4878]

@@vegetableautopsy3551 Yes! I agree with all of this. But one thing you missed is that the other people aren’t that ‘nice’ either. I’m a very ‘nice’ person until I get shit on and then I’m not so ‘nice’ anymore. I would do anything for anybody. I’m a giver and for that I’m seen as weak and to be taken advantage of. Not anymore, for me, only my pets and God. I will continue to be ‘nice’ to strangers and clients, workers wait staff I encounter. But I’m not getting involved with anyone again. It’s so peaceful without that. I find that most people seem to project their shortcomings on me, and I’m tired. I just want to be left alone.

[@Jonathan-i7y]

I drive on someone loving me and uplifts me still looking

[@DianeMatlock-v6y]

You get what you give...

[@Jonathan-i7y]

@DianeMatlock-v6y I really think I don't deserve anything good.! It's costing me pain day in day out watching my family not knowing who I am anymore! I need to feel loved and see it before my mind believes it.. BANG there's the problem trusting my gut witch is always wrong. IT'S HARD TO BE LOVED LIKE THIS it is

[@cubanadiense]

I was diagnosed as BPD, but Idk what that feeling of emptyness is , what is that?

[@casuallycruelx]

it often shows up more after the first treatments because it usually gets overshadowed by emotions like anger or despair. for example, since my anger is not as present and since life is not only about surviving anymore i struggle to recognize what's going on inside me. if i'm not in fight or flight mode it seems i can't really feel myself. am i happy? i should know, right? but i don't. is this peace? i don't know, feels too creepy and strange to be considered peaceful? i think it is because there is so much our mind is trying to block from us so that we can still survive or function without feeling what once happened and still is. pretty hard to explain.

[@cubanadiense]

@ I think I understand what you're saying. It's hard to pick apart such an entangled web of emotions from not properly processes moments in the past , it gets hard to tell what is what, that is as much as I can relate. I can understand the other mechanisms you mention but only intellectually , my mind operates kind different than that in the emotional part

[@cubanadiense]

@ do you feel like when you try to check in with yourself and how you feel there's like a blind spot that sort of blocks that connection with your inner self that makes it hard be self aware emotionally?

[@jessicaselenecenteno]

No abusers take advantage of this type of agendas to indoctrinate the public especially women.

[@juliamorgan4878]

The people literally tell me this! lol 😂 My brother told me I’m a terrible person and my son said he loves me but he doesn’t like me !! I don’t think it’s in my head! But I literally don’t care if I’m lovable, I love myself and God loves me!! With family like that, who needs them! Ungrateful users!

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

NPD

[@juliamorgan4878]

@ I don’t have NPD if that’s what you mean! It took me a long time to get to this place. I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD.

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Oh, my bad.

[@wrenchrat]

Sorry but they are unloveable. No one wants to deal with the emotional abuse and mood swings. Dated someone with BPD and it is literally hell on earth.

[@Kathrynlove]

Until I read the Bible I thought that...but I believe what God says now. Jesus Christ really is the Way, the Truth and The Life!! Seek and Ye shall Find.❤

[@thereisnosanctuary6184]

Sorry. Some people are unlovable.

[@juliamorgan4878]

@@thereisnosanctuary6184 Some people only God can love. ❤️

[@ewerwong3624]

Believe in and emulate Jesus Christ!

[@sirwilliam.533]

I WAS IN LOVE WITH A BPD WHO WAS IN LOVE WITH ALL THE GUYS

[@DrDanielFox]

It sounds like you had a challenging experience. Relationships can be complex, especially when mental health issues are involved. Remember, it’s important to focus on your own well-being and healing.

[@spacecityHTX]

The ending part is really good Dr. Fox thanks for consistently putting out videos I see your style evolving and I can't be the only one that finds these very helpful tysm 💙🤎💙🤎