The World's Dumbest Criminals

[@imagesbyraphael]

When Simon was talking about himself being a 15 year old being trained at the supermarket... I tried to picture him as a kid and in my head, I could only visualise a teenage kid with a bald head and beard!

[@zeusathena26]

I'd love it if he showed a picture of him one day! Wouldn't you?

[@willmfrank]

@@zeusathena26 Or that one episode of "Art Attack" in which he appeared twenty-something years ago.

[@imagesbyraphael]

@@zeusathena26 hehe yeah, with hair and without beard, would look so dramatically different to his now 'iconic' look on his merch 😁

[@listenhere1623]

I like to think he was born like that

[@kevinfreeman3098]

Well then you are not a legend... Back in the day, Simon was clean shaven from the neck up

[@Pincalo]

That's it! The people demand a "WTF does Scotland Yard ACTUALLY do?" Eposode, Danny, get on it! 😁🍿

[@RillianGrant]

My dad worked there doing forensics. apparently a lot of soul crushing paperwork is processed there

[@skitzojedi2505]

Yes Danny...this. Maybe we'll setup a rescue mission to get you out of Simon's basement if its good.

[@terryarmbruster7986]

They're the Queen's Gardeners for Balmoral 🤓👍

[@ex-navyspook]

@@skitzojedi2505 I heard the music from "Mission Impossible" when I read your quote.

[@ryanroberts1104]

Yeah...like why are they in Scotland...and why don't they get a building instead of a yard?!

[@AverytheCubanAmerican]

Rotherham: exists Florida: One of us, one of us

[@lynsijaynesimpson]

Do you wish to form an alliance with us? Woohoo 🙌

[@onemoreguyonline7878]

#cancelsimon

[@SegwayBossk]

Florida man here

[@elmikeomysterio5496]

I would be down to be the ambassador of Florida to Rotherham.

[@mangot589]

Avery🤣🤣🤣🤣. Perfect.

[@Dan19870]

I get the feeling this is going to be one of those episodes that is going to have high ratings, so we can probably expect a 'The World's Dumbest Criminals Part 2' within a month or so.

[@Ron4885]

Allegedly :)

[@Codraroll]

I nominate McArthur Wheeler for the sequel. He was the guy who robbed two banks with no disguise apart from a sprinkle of lemon juice in his face, because he had read that lemon juice could be used as invisible ink. He figured would make himself invisible, at least on camera, and was completely flabbergasted when he was arrested later that night, mumbling "but I wore the lemon juice!" as the police dragged him away.

[@brainblaze6526]

Probably. I'm pretty lazy coming up with topic suggestions.

[@avaevathornton9851]

I was sure there was already a Business Blaze on this.

[@Codraroll]

@@avaevathornton9851 I think there was a "Criminal Darwin Awards" video. That might be the one you are remembering? That one was about criminals who died on the job, though. These people all appear to have survived.

[@mattyt1961]

Simon: "being featured on Business Blaze is not something you want!" Sponsors: Umm... ok?!

[@zinobi]

Isn't it true though? You have heard his ad-reads....

[@brainblaze6526]

@@zinobi :D

[@StevenLockey]

@@brainblaze6526 I have to ask if you deliberately pick sponsors who must clearly have zero access to well, the internet ;)

[@paddington1670]

@@zinobi his ad reads are epic

[@KingOhmni]

Simons ad reads for magic spoon got me to buy some. Good shit.

[@ListenerOfficial]

This is Simon. This is Simon on Coffee. Any Questions? Suggestion: How about a bar stool? it's not a table and it won't take up much room. plus, you can manage the cables beneath it! Thank you for another great channel!!

[@johnnyguillotine1673]

Strippers pole.

[@annastevens1526]

@Johnny Guillotine Please excuse my lack of pro knowledge on this one! If it was a pole with the wires wrapped around, where does the coffee cup balance...? 😉

[@possibear]

@@annastevens1526 Danny will be let out to hold it

[@jprofio]

That whole aside about legs reminded me of the best substitute teacher I ever had. The guy had a prosthetic leg and one arm, and every time someone asked what happened he would make up a different story. He'd introduce himself as "half the man I used to be", and crack jokes about it all the time, especially if he saw that someone was doing the thing where they were trying hard to not look at his leg. On Halloween he would specifically pick costumes that had one leg, like a pirate with a peg leg and stuff like that. He also used to say "SOL" a lot, and if someone was like "you can't say that in school" he'd just be like "short one leg. What'd you think I meant?" He was the best dude, just a great sense of humor and friendly to absolutely everyone he met.

[@Algorithms_Child]

Wait what does SOL mean?

[@jprofio]

@@Algorithms_Child Typically when people say you're SOL it means "shit outta luck", I didn't realize until just now it's not as common to say anymore

[@Algorithms_Child]

@@jprofio To be fair, that comment was about a past experience you had, in a comment you wrote two years ago. Good on you for writing back so quickly

[@HyperactiveNeuron]

​@@Algorithms_Child it means Shit Out of Luck

[@Mogijup]

Meme count Communism- 0 Tangents- 31 Mispronunciations- 14 Rotherjshsugshhs disses- 6 Allegedly- 4 Buh duh bum bum tsss- 6 Smash dislike button-0

[@Nikki-lodeon]

Doing God's work right here.

[@wisersamson9000]

Very disappointed that there are zero "smash the dislike button". Idk what's happening but Danny is really slipping if he isn't writing a script that leads simon to say something controversial, thus forcing Simon to say "smash the dislike button". Is Danny the one trying to make the fact Boi read the facts?

[@kunalphadte2674]

A valiant effort. Someone's gotta fill Brian's shoes.

[@ex-navyspook]

Huh...he really fell off on this one...

[@ex-navyspook]

@@kunalphadte2674 Allegedly...

[@puellanivis]

Simon: “It’s one of the first things to come up on a search for Rotherham.” me, speaking in German because my Google is German: Okay, Google. Suche nach Rotherham Google: The first result is for “Missbrauchsskandal von Rotherham” (Abuse scandal of Rotherham) me: Huh. Even works in German.

[@aredjayc2858]

And Hebrew

[@sarahwatson3192]

And French.

[@MartinSevald]

And Norwegian

[@madebymarian]

And Dutch.

[@runed0s86]

と日本語

[@Alicia_Kanis]

Some criminal/mobster/gangster somewhere: “Excuse me, being a criminal is a business! Family business.”

[@johnnyguillotine1673]

Yeah, they wouldn't outright say that... Doublespeak is a thing.

[@darrelclancymorris9840]

😂😂🤣🤔 are they hiring???

[@fuckfannyfiddlefart]

Criminality is a business of last resort, slightly less immoral than the business is war for which or government is an unrepentant recidivism. #AntiImperialism #EndDrugProhibition

[@josiahsmith66]

Got asked by someone to come for an interview for Cutco. Never heard of them & I needed a job, so I was like, "Sure. Why the hell not." Within 10 minutes in a dodgy "business center" it finally clicked & I accidently said out loud, "Oh... This is a pyramid scheme." Laughed & walked right out. Chick interviewing us was pissed lol

[@azuregriffin1116]

One of my desperate-ass friends were dragged into it recently.

[@mikeypalma8052]

Really good knives with a great warranty though, lol. Expensive AF, but worth it

[@josiahsmith66]

@@mikeypalma8052 Wouldn't know lol I have a friend that's a manager at a sub shop and she gives me all the ceramic knives they have to get rid of

[@ecchikitty1395]

The main aspect isn't a pyramid scheme, it's just door to door sales, but getting new members signed up is vey triangle shaped. Really annoyed I lost my demo kit, those are really good knives, I'd love to have them for my kitchen.

[@trishapellis]

@@ecchikitty1395 Oh it's one of those. One of them came by my place back when I was jobless and just kinda out of the blue, asks if I'm working from home, I reply I have no job, he goes "Oh why don't you come by our office, we'll give you a job". I scheduled the appointment, then looked up the company to see if there was any Glassdoor info on them and just never left the house XD

[@pwesiti]

Simon from two episodes ago: I’m not going to yell anymore. Simon during this episode: 🥁 tsss

[@brainblaze6526]

This was actually filmed before :)

[@nickshane9314]

Isn't time weird?

[@yonatankanosh7561]

@@brainblaze6526 lol your filming and uploading schedule is weird, you took quite the brake on Christmas and then bombarded us with episodes for a week or two

[@Hour_of_the_Owl]

I think you mean 🥁🥁 tsss

[@djdrack4681]

Simon's Neighbor: Fact Boy, we talked about this.

[@TheSiameseDreamer]

I wish "Business Blaze Simon" was my friend.

[@jaysalisbury193]

I’ll be your friend, friend.

[@alexanderlittle9786]

Really? I prefer him on the other channels. He is not a comedian and tries too hard with lame jokes. Like just get to the fucking information. If i wanted standup i would search for it.

[@McFlyOrPie]

Yeah but then you'll have to do a lot of Cocaine....... 🤯

[@TheSiameseDreamer]

@@McFlyOrPie why else do you think I want to be his friend?

[@sniperkeegs4389]

Alexander little , because you don't share the same sense if humor hes not trying to do stand up hes just making shit he finds funny. I find him funny I agree I would like him to be my friend for both reasons lol

[@jimmccauley2424]

Imagine having Simon at your party. Couple lines, couple shots, wind him up and let him loose. Fucking SHOWTIME!!

[@dereinzigwahreRichi]

Let's GOOO!

[@cherraberra7346]

This episode is about the business of being a criminal. Also, I once had a boss who got fired for chasing a shoplifter, corporate wasn’t amused, even though she caught the guy and recovered the goods.

[@DoctaOsiris]

I'm sure there has to be more to it than that, did she attack the shoplifter? I have a feeling that's at least part of it, just simply recovering the goods isn't grounds for dismissal - although that's not her job, it's the job of the security guard and therefore does make the shop itself liable but I wouldn't think that would be grounds for dismissal either, had she had previous warnings for unprofessional actions? And if none of these apply to her did she sue them?

[@piro88]

Sucks to work for a weak ass employer :/

[@coreysprinkel3630]

The reason they say dont chase them is what if the shoplifter had a gun and shot her? The family could sue the employer. Or even worse, what if they shot and killed a random bystander? Its to stop lawsuits.

[@mangot589]

I know it seems nuts. But the danger of any employee getting seriously hurt or killed way outweighs any monetary loss. So there’s a firm rule, no heroics.🤷‍♀️

[@mangot589]

@@DoctaOsiris Good points. I posted before I read your post

[@ZayElx]

As someone who lives in Doncaster, next door to Rotherham, I feel like Rotherham jumped in front of the bullet for us in this video

[@comettamer]

Coming soon, Simon's newest channel: crimes on a budget, stories of criminals who tried to commit crimes without spending a lot of money.

[@hardlyme779]

Back 5 years ago, I was a Cannabis dealer, my "Bosses" wanted me to start selling cocaine. When I declined, I was beaten and robbed. It was so bad, I had to go the police. I didn't drop any name, snitches get stitches, but they ended up in the local paper. They had been caught using social media to sell their product. This is after I'd taught them about the cyber police, and how dangerous it is to use it for said usage.

[@lyndsayms]

I’m so interested in your story and want to hear more, but this is definitely the wrong place for it 🤣 Edit: please read reply below! I rescind my comment, but don’t want to dirty delete.

[@fatherofdragons4880]

@@lyndsayms creepy comment

[@lyndsayms]

@@fatherofdragons4880 ohh I admit I must’ve read over the beaten and robbed part. In that case, you’re right, it’s creepy 😬 I sincerely apologize to @hardlyme779 for my original comment

[@Dariushellstrome]

"didn't spill my coffee" jump cut right after saying it

[@brainblaze6526]

Illuminati confirmed.

[@sarahbums]

are we just not gonna talk about the florida man who died microwaving a microwave

[@dillongage7628]

I'm trying to wrap my head around that and I just cant.

[@serveaux]

Microwave a microwave... that's a real "who watches the watchers" kind of conundrum there... I guess it's like a Forrest Gump thing but with a Floridian twist, "Florida is as Florida does"... hmmm... Floridian twist... great name for a drink... but it would probably contain orange juice, lysol, anti-freeze, bleach, and flaka... multiple O.G.B.B. references there 🤔

[@thehangmansdaughter1120]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 You are shitting me! Hilarious.

[@christopherjones8448]

No, it's not a "crime" to microwave a microwave.

[@trevorhaddox6884]

Simon: "Why do we still call them telegraph poles?" IDK, we call them telephone poles. Why do you still call a flashlight a torch as well?

[@brainblaze6526]

Why do you still call lifts, elevators?

[@JadenFromCA]

@@brainblaze6526 An elevator elevates you, however I really hope your torch isn't torching you

[@runed0s86]

@@JadenFromCA high power led keychain torches can actually get really hot and have circuitry to keep you from burning yourself/burning out the LED

[@avakining]

@@JadenFromCA I hope your flashlight doesn’t flash you :p

[@hepchaos]

They haven't been called "telephone poles" in a while, they're called "utility poles", because they generally hold phone lines, electrical lines, and occasionally cable lines.

[@YoFreshWiggy]

Simon: “I need a small table to put my coffee on...” Me: There is a lamp, to your right. What is the lamp sitting on? Is that a small table?

[@Logan-tw7wv]

Looks to be a floor lamp up against the wall based on the way the wall's lit.

[@YoFreshWiggy]

Take a second look @@Logan-tw7wv. It’s a table lamp, sitting on something that looks a lot like a table, or a shelf, or a cabinet. A place where Simon could put his coffee, and Blaze on.

[@Tom-dg6pg]

It's a floor lamp, it's in line with the chair against the wall

[@Cysticspyke]

He should just get a camelbak and fill it with coffee

[@elizabethhaskell6505]

Its a floor lamp if you pause and look closely you'll see it on a rug matching the 1 infront of the shelving unit. The lamp looks to be just taller than the knee height.

[@The_Other_Ghost]

I was working at an apartment building in 2021 and apparently the cops went in and arrested a wanted person there because he posted a picture with the city landscape in it.

[@MeduseldRabbit]

Out of curiosity, is there a "Danny we TALKED about this!" shirt? Because if there isn't there should be. This has nothing to do with this episode, it has just been stuck in my head.

[@annastevens1526]

Would definitely be good promo, due to all the people asking the wearers "Who the f*ck's Danny?" and receiving in return a fifteen minute rant about how awesome BB is... ;-) (Complete with an "Allegedly!" of course!)

[@tomspaulding9555]

I read about a guy limps into a 7-11, approaches the clerk, pulls a handgun from his waistband and announces a holdup. After getting the cash, the guy while shoving the gun back into his waistband caused the gun to discharge shooting himself in the groin. As the EMT was treating him, they noticed a similar injury in his leg. Turns out he had attempted a similar robbery the night before and accidentally shot himself while shoving his handgun into his waistband

[@sarahhomrighausen7349]

Simon ! "License" means in England what PAROLE means in the USA or "libération conditionnelle " in France (parole means "song lyric" in French)!

[@wendysmithey5227]

I live approximately 30 minutes from Lexington, NC, yes I can easily see the million dollar bill “crime” happening. You would need to attend the Barbecue Festival to gain an in depth feel for the town. As a true southerner, all I can say is BLESS HIS HEART

[@ladykoiwolfe]

I would say being a criminal is a sort of business. The Knife people is CutCo. And yes, it is a Pyramid scheme. It's an MLM, which they will try to say isn't a Pyramid scheme, but it absolutely is.

[@FnordOok]

Aka: Vector Marketing

[@ladykoiwolfe]

@@FnordOok yep. And that's probably both the names Simon was trying to think of...one company after all.

[@maryscott9430]

I was thinking of Thrive, Mary Kay, and any/all of the essential oil companies.

[@ladykoiwolfe]

@@maryscott9430 they are also excellent examples of pyramid schemes.

[@andrewjackson82]

There’s a bench behind you! Put your cup next to the lamp!! Ahhhh my ocd!!

[@andiward7068]

He doesn't have a coaster. He could use the script pages after reading but i think he's still planning on selling them when he gets his sub goal.

[@elmikeomysterio5496]

@@andiward7068 he could use a business blaze sticker. Most expensive coaster ever.

[@PoeRacing]

I think that lamp is on the floor. I had the same OCD thought.

[@andrewjackson82]

@@PoeRacing you are correct! It’s an optical illusion!

[@bigstve61345]

I love it when I'm having a bad day and a new episode of business blaze is available. My day is 100% better now!

[@LunaHarp91]

Some of my favorite videos on the internet are "The Dumbest...." anything. I need more of this in my life because it's SO. FREAKING. FUNNY. Also I love when I"m watching Business Blaze & suddenly get notified of a brand new Business Blaze :D

[@slayingroosters4355]

That’s what happened to me, I’d run out of whistler so was watching some of my old favourites and this bad boy popped up in my suggestions before the notification came through 👌🏿🤣

[@ladykoiwolfe]

My favorite dumbest videos are all by Simon.

[@annastevens1526]

@ Willa Wolfe Without any quotation marks around the "dumbest", that one translates to a pretty sick burn of the Bearded One... 😋

[@ladykoiwolfe]

@@annastevens1526 oh dear, I hadn't intended that.

[@shinyderg]

As someone who currently lives in Sheffield and is from Middlesbrough. Yes, Rotherham is pretty scummy lmao

[@tigercap100]

The child sex scandal in Rotherham went on too long because people called it a "conspiracy theory". Simon was probably one of them.

[@bigtguitars7312]

Finlay you live in sheffield and from Middlesbrough and still look down your nose at us? I congratulate you on commenting on KZbin while Twokking cars you’re a better man than me

[@shinyderg]

@@bigtguitars7312 My guy I'm a Third year uni student on track for a first. Ain't my fault Rotherham is universally regarded as a lost cause

[@equitime77]

@@shinyderg there are decent people who live in Rotherham. Strangely enough it's not full of uneducated weirdos...

[@shinyderg]

@@equitime77 didn't say there wasn't 🙃

[@SREDISKRAD]

Gwent police: We settle our courtrooms on card games.

[@mrprimor227]

Nice

[@joeheck674]

I knew I'd see something about Gwent* here!

[@SRW_]

Roll dice for success

[@Stormynormy42]

So, the guy with the armed robbery and carjacking.... here in the state of Georgia, the armed robbery is subject to up to a life sentence, with a 20 year minimum sentence (though it can be split with probation if the sentence is given in years), and the carjacking is, to the best of my memory, 10-25 years, though I could be misremembering or it could have changed since. 4 years is an absolutely shockingly short sentence, at least in my eyes lol.

[@christagronbech]

I love how every time the video is 'Worlds worst.../World's dumbest...', Simon always gives advice to (future) criminals lol

[@annastevens1526]

AND to terrorists too, as of very recently... 😉 (A truly legendary episode both for content AND ad read - really hope we get Part 2 of both!)

[@christagronbech]

@@annastevens1526 True that!!! Such a brilliant episode 🙌🏼

[@sarahwatson3192]

Hey Sam. Nice Rooster teeth gif. That’s Burnie taking 1 million dollars but he has to go all Jason Bourne whenever he sees old people.

[@koonzipher4692]

when i was much younger, I needed $ badly, and so I went to the ATM at my bank, and placed a deposit into my account... There was no money in the envelope I placed in to the machine. I immediately withdrew the "money" out. All this was on my own banking card. I have since paid the price and actually still use the exact same bank.

[@ex-navyspook]

Ah...I see now...I retract my last...

[@Jakey4000]

Well damn, what price did you pay? Was there prison time?

[@brainblaze6526]

@@Jakey4000 He's still serving life plus 20.

[@koonzipher4692]

@@brainblaze6526 yes, they still have 56k dial up here in Atlanta

[@zechsblack5891]

Lol my banks atms now sort and photograph every bill, no envelopes these days.

[@danb9312]

Simon at last put in a "That's What She Said" joke!!!!! love it

[@Rachniax]

I’d like to get a shirt or two, but there doesn’t seem to be a “Keep Calm, Allegedly.” And maybe some $7 stickers.

[@SupremeLeaderKimJong-un]

When it comes to Family Feud hosts, Steve Harvey is definitely the best one. He has the best reactions

[@explodingcrack435]

Glorious leader knows the most about family feud

[@joeyr7294]

@@explodingcrack435 because no one else in North Korea is able to watch that poison from the west

[@kurtjoseph6232]

But he just doesn't molest the contestants the way Richard Dawson did.

[@GeorgeVCohea-dw7ou]

He recognised what viewers wanted to see more of and let contestants shine when their answers called for it. Louie Anderson would have been the absolute master, had he realised what Steve Harvey did. The show has forever changed. kzbin.info/www/bejne/eouqYZ-Ljc-rnLs

[@VirginAfterSex420]

Kenan Thompson: Am I a joke to you?

[@sarahfonda4714]

@simon thank you for making my daily fishtank maintenance more enjoyable. I think at this point your og subscribers use ur podcasts as a way to make daily life more enjoyable. Drunk or sober i enjoy most ur videos. Thank you from the bottom of my heart you make my tasks bearable

[@HeatherJinmaku]

I worked in the hospitality industry for almost 2 decades, and once a man came in with a twenty dollar bill asking for change. It was a photocopy, on standard printer stock, one sided, and also blue. The hotel desk clerk accepted it.

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

I served in the Army in the late 90s with this guy. He had to go to San Antonio for surgery because he had thyroid cancer. So they gave him a credit card to pay for expenses on his trip. So when he came back, he immediately went on 30 days convalescence leave, and a few weeks after that, he went on 3 weeks annual leave. When he got back from the third trip, the credit card company contacted the Army or Defense Department or whoever, they contacted the post, and the post contacted our unit. Apparently, not only did he not pay the card off with his travel pay, he kept using the card like it was free money throughout all three trips. He spent $5000 in total, reaching the credit limit. His actual pay was about $1500 per month, and presumably, he spent that too. He apparently spent the money on his travel and eating out of course, but also on all sorts of purchases. It wasn’t even the amount of money he spent that raised the alarm. It was simply that he hadn’t paid the bill in the 3 months since he began using it. When asked, he said he thought he could use the card whenever he wanted and never had to pay it back. He only began to worry that he had done something wrong when the card stopped working.

[@Robot.Prophet]

It's pronounced 'Rotherham' ... I hope that helps.

[@MrDUneven]

It doesn't help. It's english.

[@brainblaze6526]

extremely helpful.

[@annastevens1526]

Yeah, must admit I was slightly startled by a guy with a British accent (albeit now living overseas) having so much difficulty pronouncing an English placename...? ;-p But then again, many of them do seem to have been designed to make it difficult even for the natives...?

[@graemecameron5685]

@@annastevens1526 remember that the uk is four different countries with with thousands of dialects we have places with names like Llanfairpwllgwyngyll in wales, Ecclefechan, auchtermuchty in scotland. Every 10 miles almost there's a different accent and dialect, so uk town names are a clusterfuck of pronunciations.

[@HoleyMoleyAlex]

@@graemecameron5685 I don't even know how to pronounce the town I have been living in for years. Is Raw-ten-stall, nope, is it Rot-ten-stall, apparntly (despite the spelling being Rawtenstall) I just call it Reinstall and have done with it! That way I can Backup (Bacup, next town over) and reinstall.

[@ThrottleKitty]

"The longest knife you can have in the UK is 3 inches" Me, an American: **Looks around at my multiple 2 foot long $3 home defense machetes** What do you do when someone breaks into your house in Britain? Throw hot tea at them?

[@ZayElx]

You do nothing if someone breaks into your house, we are very limited in the retaliation we can use. If we were to stab someone to death with their own knife, while they're breaking into your house, its manslaughter, up to 15 years.

[@ThrottleKitty]

@@ZayElx In America, if someone crosses the threshold of your door without your permission, it's legally defensibly as self defense to just shoot them dead. No charges. But if he falls and breaks his leg while trespassing in your house, he can sue you for all your worth. For some reason. This country is... weird.

[@Steve_Johnson_]

Throttle Kitty That’s why it’s better to kill them.

[@Danratman]

Hits and beats as we call it in my house, good old fashioned brute force... Maybe send in an aggressive cat first to distract the bandits but we would NEVER waste good tea on them. Drink it for power ups instead 😁

[@johndolo9573]

He means the biggest knife you can carry in the street

[@brianwhorton5619]

american pyramid schemes simon is probably referring to: Avon (cosmetics) Mary Kay (cosmetics) Thrive (supplements that, in my experience knowing people who take/sell it, makes you act like a meth head/coke fiend)

[@matthale5388]

lol intro - "this one has nothing to do with business" what would i be doing here interested in business - crazy lol - plus i get all my business news from facebook

[@syndrome5372]

Extended license basically means that he's on probation for the 4 years and in that time any trouble at all will get you recalled to jail to serve the rest of your sentence

[@plasticoflamingo2952]

"Keep calm and BLAZE ON"? Replace the crown with a pot leaf, and you'll sell A LOT more shirts!

[@possibear]

or, keep the crown and put a leaf on the top of it?

[@thehangmansdaughter1120]

I would pay for that to be sent all the way to NZ.

[@PoeRacing]

Closest thing to FBI in the UK is probably the National Crime Agency. The reason I know that is most certainly NOT because I am an international crime boss.

[@hannahortiz3153]

Story Time; I was a low-level manager at a global coffee chain for several years. One morning, upon arriving hours before the crack of dawn to open the store I was greeted by a masked gentleman brandishing a handgun and demanding all of the money in the store. He seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place him with the mask. As we were waiting for the safe to open (it was time delayed), and I was waiting for the police to arrive since I had tripped the silent alarm (they never did until I physically called 911) he became very friendly, and then started calling me by my first name. It was about this time that it clicked that I knew this guy from CHURCH. And that is how the idiot that I knew from church, and had refused to date because he gave off super weird vibes, got caught for a string of robberies in the area and how I wound up with some mild trauma to work through. Fun times!

[@annastevens1526]

Whoa! Sounds like one of those "When was your gut instinct right" moment that get posted to Reddit.... On the plus side, love how amazingly lenient you are in still referring to him as a "gentleman"!

[@slayingroosters4355]

Simon: I’ve moved my desk so I can roam freely, only problem is, I have to put my coffee all the way back here Little table next to him with a lamp on it: am I nothing to you?

[@elissajaguar]

I think the lamp is on the floor

[@mattakins3422]

Sounds like Danny should get promoted to desk...

[@cuttwice3905]

18:40 When I was in my young teens there were wanted posters in most US Post Offices. You can see them in some police stations to this day. Alas, my local police station is bereft of such entertaining reading material. It does have a lovely community room where the locals gather to discuss how things are going in the neighborhood over stale cookies and gawdawful coffee.

[@8D2BFREE]

Simmon, you shuld do a vid on "blade runner" the South African guy with blade legs he did some bad shit. also on why he only got silver in Paralympics. maybe make it a segment on sports stars doing crimes.

[@zeusathena26]

That's a good idea!

[@dash_rabbit]

I don't even see blade legs!!!

[@ridanann]

Realistically clearly a South African shooting somebody isn't that surprising shooting his wife through a bathroom door again he South Africa so not that surprising having false legs well with lions in South Africa that's not that surprising his name was Oscar what the hell is an Irish name doing on a South African person Pikachu face

[@alias201]

@@ridanann are you serious? Oscar pistorius is an English speaking South African, so any anglicised name is common in SA. Also, what Oscar did shocked us all. Furthermore, use punctuation, for God's sake!

[@ridanann]

@@alias201 firstly I'm clearly not serious secondly Pikachu face South African gun culture is pretty disgraceful.

[@jessicaevans7847]

Same in California. Any blade wielded that happens to be longer than three inches is considered a lethal weapon just for brandishing it. If you use any blade on another human being here, it's considered a lethal weapon.

[@amaccama3267]

Simon remember. Your voice. Your voice. Your valuable voice.

[@Niniel28b]

I wonder if this was recorded before Simon got on his "no shouting regime"

[@carrioncrow8191]

Niniel Sanders This is probably the episode that made him realize

[@treeckogreen8577]

My cashier training at McD was the same. If someone demands the money pop the till, if they demand more pop the other till, if they want the safe give them the safe, the whole safe. I work for a hardware store now and we have a similar policy, if they have a cart full of stuff just let them walk out. Don't follow them, smile, thank them for shopping with us, memorize how they look and what kind of car they get into, and notify management once they are gone. There is nothing we sell that they can carry off (or hitch to their tow bar) that's worth getting killed over.

[@WhatWhy42]

I'm just waiting to see someone I know end up on this list... I know a few people who sound like they belong... One guy used to go to Xmas tree lot after they close and open it up and sell their trees... Nobody questioned why they were selling trees at 11pm...

[@1xoACEox1]

I mean...that's kind of amazing. Did he get caught?

[@WhatWhy42]

@@1xoACEox1 nope, he got lucky

[@cultistsash]

That's absolutely legendary.

[@SquashGuy02134]

you don't need a desk for your coffee, just a tall wooden stool, thats what stand ups will put their drinks on while they're pacing around.

[@DrGonzo2781]

Wheels & The Legman, Season 3 Episode 7 - "Hard Times"

[@munk006]

I get this reference

[@EuroDC1990]

I grew up in Rotherham. I can confirm that it is not as bad as Business Blaze makes out... It's much much worse! Also, Hooton Roberts is a real place (one of few nice areas of Rotherham) but you cannot get there on the number 38 bus, it is served by the X78. Thankfully, despite growing up in Rotherham I have now escaped to Sheffield. The rest of my family have not been so lucky.

[@feliz1443]

A smack head tried to steal the bottle of hand sanitiser that we keep at the front of the cafe where I work. When I confronted him he said "I thought it was 1 free bottle per customer" it made me laugh so much I couldn't even be mad

[@xxKarachanxx]

I work in a pharmacy located in a grocery store. Someone came up during the sanitizer shortages and started pumping the hand sanitizer into a personal bottle of theirs, and when confronted, their defense was "Well, there aren't any available for sale, so I'm taking this!"

[@sofa-lofa4241]

I bet the smackhead saw the '70% alcohol' on the label and thought "free drink"

[@golddragonette7795]

@@sofa-lofa4241 hospitals in the UK had to lock hand sanitiser in place long before the pandemic cos it was being stolen by alcoholics

[@sofa-lofa4241]

@@golddragonette7795 yup, but they shouldn't have bothered, The IPA would have seen them off and they wouldn't have been such a burden on the NHS, It may seem harsh but I see the NHS's job as looking after people with genuine non-inflicted health problems... Not stupidity problems

[@joshuabush2700]

Thank you for the laughter this channel brings.

[@Jimizacx]

The money is insured anyway and its a whole lot less hassle for the business to just go "Oh no, we lost a couple bucks" than it is for them to go "Welp, Sam tried being a hero and now theres a news team out the front."

[@jordanr.2120]

I don't think I trust deskless Simon. We need to either put the desk back or get him off the cocaine.

[@Action_Sloth]

Rap snitches Tellin all they business Sit in court and be they own star witness: "Do you see the perpetrator?" "Yeah, I'm right here" Fuck around and get the whole label sent up for years

[@anthonyhewgley5543]

Simone: telegraph polls.... why the f$ck do we still call them telegraph polls? Me: Telegraph polls... who the f%ck calls telephone polls telegraph polls?

[@XDSDDLord]

I think Danny is actively trying to rehabilitate the image of Rotherham through Business Blaze.

[@KarrierBag]

🤣🤣🤣 trying the impossible

[@lynsijaynesimpson]

Like trying to rehabilitate a turd and create gold 😂

[@KarrierBag]

@@lynsijaynesimpson 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@lynsijaynesimpson]

I remain happy to be a turd, it's all good 😂

[@DannySalter]

I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job. I'd like to do an Epic Blaze on the business career of Rotherham's greatest comedy legends The Chuckle Brothers.

[@fredblonder7850]

Why would you NOT pay a terrorist their own reward money? That’s the BEST way to catch them.

[@Kenniii3]

I come back from IKEA with my set of 20” kitchen knives and nobody blinks because it isn’t likely to be used as a weapon since I have a 9mm on my hip. The 2nd Ammendment ROCKS!

[@texasslingleadsomtingwong8751]

I see fellow church goers printing or open carrying . I relax and am thankfull for 2A embracing church . Kid you not .

[@Kenniii3]

My church has a good percentage of carrying members

[@TrexelCat]

18:31 Love the business casual look. Took me a moment and a couple rewatches to realize those were socks, not sneakers. Was going to totally remark about how you were rocking those sneakers. Nope, rocking those socks instead.

[@jonathanseibert8832]

🤣🤣 around 8 minutes in you can totally tell that this was Simon's last video before he had to start mellowing out his volumes! You can audibly hear the cracking of his voice as it begins to crumble

[@__tim]

Wow. That's some pretty good special effects. Pulled that coffee mug out of the green screen like it was a real set of shelves.

[@0311Mushroom]

16:30 Simon goes on an Amway rant, without naming Amway.

[@0311Mushroom]

@Robert Sears it is a "legal pyramid", barely. And illegal in many countries. It is more cult than business.

[@0311Mushroom]

@Robert Sears no, their main product is soap. And their model is very different than Avon. In that (like Tupperwear), the idea is to keep the number who sell small, and selling the product is key. In Amway, they do not care about selling soap. Their model is in selling the system to as many as possible.

[@0311Mushroom]

@Robert Sears you do not get it I see. They could not care less about selling soap, they are selling the SYSTEM, and tell you that you can get rich by selling it to your friends, family, and any stranger they can con into joining. At $100 sign-up and $100 a year. You do not make crap selling soap, you make money signing up a lot of people, and getting a piece of any they sign up. Not like Avon at all.

[@adrianlambert7130]

Kie fill ee (Caerphilly). I may live around the corner from Danny these days, but I am from near there, in my dear old Cymru (Wales). Born and raised for 30 years on the right side of the Servern Bridge! But even in Cornwall (same as Wales)... We are ALL of good old Celtic origin! Also, Danny's villages name!? 'Tintagel' - "Tin Ta Gel" (Gel, as in hair gel) for future reference... Haha - peace!

[@timothyneiswander3151]

How many Blaze stickers do I have to buy in order for Simon to afford to fix his neon sign?

[@onemoreguyonline7878]

all of them

[@GeorgeVCohea-dw7ou]

Wouldn't it make sense to just buy a replacement or pay him directly to have it repaired‽ kzbin.info/www/bejne/eouqYZ-Ljc-rnLs

[@fificrazyzebra7375]

All legs are equal!! Said from a cripple with a pair that don’t work! 😂🤣 thanks for a great episode and your new channel the casual criminalistic is great as a podcast, I’d love to have business blaze as a podcast too!

[@annastevens1526]

That'd definitely be a bonus for those of us who like to watch in inappropriate places (eg washing dishes, digging garden) & don't have KZbin Premium to allow for safe screen-locking... On the other hand, I'd be so sad to miss Sam's vintage memes when they're visual rather than audio-based!

[@krkbeats007]

I grew up in Lima and know this person!!!!!! This is INSANE 😂

[@Christinebanks11]

Are you surprised ?

[@praetorian65]

The knife size limit (folding non-locking blade up to 3 inches) is only for general carry. If you have a good reason to have it, you can have longer knives. Bringing it home from the shop would be a good reason to be in possession of the knife.

[@annastevens1526]

Wow, now I'm really curious as to what other 'good' reasons people claim! ;-p "General & well-justified paranoia when visiting Rotherham"....?

[@jbkhan1135]

"Are these all from Britain?" Britain, the Florida of Europe lol

[@willmfrank]

I have a feeling that Brain Blaze's "Criminal Darwin Awards" and "World's Dumbest Criminals" episodes would inject some much-needed levity to The Casual Criminalist.

[@anixzation5736]

I was exposed to the Whistlerverse by a history student of mine last year (warographics video). Then noticed the Casual Criminalist channel. Watched all the videos. Then Decoding the Unknown, watched all videos. Now I am down the brain blaze videos and they sort of autoplayed in reverse until I got to the unhinged roaming screaming business blaze format. They make me so so so happy 🥲 thank you, Simon!

[@MinistryOfMagic_DoM]

Some say the SW neon sign will never get fixed.

[@pajamaman2989]

"Simon, I don't even see blade legs!" was definitely just inducted into my top 10 BB quotes.

[@L_egi]

15:51 meanwhile Simon in Czech republic can walk around with a sword on his hip without even being fined

[@NorCalJuggalo420]

Dude, here in America people can carry Ak47s to the supermarket.

[@L_egi]

@@NorCalJuggalo420 wow you mean the continent? not just few states in USA where open carry is legal?

[@sofa-lofa4241]

@@L_egi here in the UK, my ex-neighbour used to cycle around with a 3' sword hanging from the shopping basket, police left him alone as he was an 80 year old Sikh, harmless but slightly mad

[@ian198802]

@@sofa-lofa4241 That will be due to the police power of discretion. Whilst it is technically the against the law for the Sikh man to carry this it is recognised as something all members of the Sikh faith wear as a part of their religion. As such the police could have and most likely did use their discretion to ascertain the man had no intention of causing any harm to others, and enforcnig the law this instance could also count as infringing on the man's religious freedrom, so they just left him be. Hopefully that provides some clarity :)

[@austinstevenson7304]

Dumbest criminals would make a great series sense there are so many that could be covered .

[@harrisonjodeit4340]

Simon: "These criminals lived in Texas" Also Simon: "Do all of these take place in the UK?" Did I miss something?????

[@theexchipmunk]

Maybe you didn't, but Simon missed the end of the British Empire...

[@anahis1511]

I'm just surprised the El Paso burglars weren't stopped by a chancla. Those things are dangerous.

[@oracleofdelphi4533]

Video for the world's dumbest criminals yet Florida still needs its own separate video.

[@24934637]

Glad to see that your voice has recovered and the 'Badabumbum TISH!' is back again with the usual enthusiasm! :)

[@devinnelson2504]

You’re not wrong but balaclavas are about as scarce in El Paso texas as Winnie the Pooh merch is in China

[@flexinclouds]

I've never cracked up so much watching Simon at 11:10-11:30. That performance just made my night😂😂😂

[@bettyswallocks6411]

Criminal record? That’d be any one of Coldplay’s last few albums.

[@sofa-lofa4241]

Yup, they need locking up for anything after 'Parachutes'

[@killerlalu1]

"Just buy a balaclava!" 🤣 Omgosh, I really don't want balaclava price searching in my internet history; I live in SE Texas and I'd honestly NEVER seen a balaclava outside of a movie until I was an adult and my brother moved back from living in Washington State. In any case, these people resorting to petty robbery aren't going to have enough/waste money on an actual balaclava...

[@guardsmanom134]

I'm now SO GLAD I haven't been featured on the Blaze! ML Simon! Edit: 👍 for not shitting all over me.

[@tomaskapel2287]

I am so used to serious Simon on the other channels... It was so entertaining and enjoyable to se laid back casual Simon swearing... Keep on the good work mate. CERTIFIED LEGEND.

[@pamelamays4186]

Here's one that you might want to look into: The thugs who invaded the U.S. Capitol Building on January 6, 2020. One was a real estate agent who was trying to drum up a little business with the clever tag line: "Imagine what I'd do to your house." So many of those "alleged" invaders posted pictures of themselves on social media. One was turned in to the authorities by his ex-wife. Another on was a former member of the U.S. Olympic Swim team who wore his official Olympic team jacket to the affair. Blaze on!😎🔥😌

[@n_spin]

This was my thought exactly!

[@TSmith-yy3cc]

That would make a great special episode! Great idea!

[@MeduseldRabbit]

They nabbed one guy just recently who had his business phone number in big letters on the back of his jacket.

[@louisbecker5941]

I remember about 15 or 20 years ago in Rogers, MN(suburban Minneapolis/St. Paul)- local police responded to a report of vending machines being broken into inside a warming house at a community hockey rink. The coin/cash boxes were intact, but all the snacks were missing. Officers quickly noticed a trail of empty candy wrappers & chip bags leading to an apartment complex a short distance away. Once inside the building, police simply followed the continuing trail of wrappers & bags, along with prints from hands & fingers on the walls & door knobs- that had been left in orange and red residue from Doritos chips & Cheetos snacks! After a knock on an apartment door, it was voluntarily opened from the inside by one of the snacking suspects who were all still in the process of chowing down on their loot. As you've probably already guessed, weed was involved, & they were just trying to satisfy a bad case of the munchies. 🚬😑

[@annastevens1526]

Classic!! (You know, I have extreme reservations about the concept of eugenics, but it does occasionally occur to one that court-mandated sterilization for criminals who fall below a certain IQ point would be kindest thing to do for their prospective future children...? Scary thoughts.)

[@louisbecker5941]

@@annastevens1526 That would certainly compensate for how societal evolution has leveled the playing field, when it comes to natural selection! 😁

[@zachwise476]

People wearing trash bags while Sam and I are still waiting for SImon to model Sheath for us.

[@williampatterson5067]

I am from El Paso and I remember that story about Castillo. Incedently when you pronounce spanish names or phrases with a double "L" in the name or word it is pronounced as a "Y" like Cas-tee-o or ray-yhen-o instead of re-lleno.👍✌