Brandon's Cult Movie Reviews: STAR CRYSTAL

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Can't decide if you wanna rip-off "Alien" or "E.T."? Just be like the movie "Star Crystal" and do both!
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[@TheBrandonTenold]

Y'know I kinda wish we had more 'hybrid' knock-offs: How bout' a combo of "Home Alone" & "Jurassic Park" where a kid rigs his house with traps to fend off dinosaurs? Or a mix of "Rocky" & "Jaws" where Sylvester Stallone has to box a shark?

[@TheGaijinsider]

I would Kickstart any of those as long as Keith David and David Keith starred in them.

[@loschrodproductions4519]

Or Predator and Creature from the Black Lagoon, where a group of military go to a mission in the Amazon and have to fight Gill man

[@matteomastrodomenico1231]

A Star Wars knock-off that is also a King Kong 1976 knock-off. Stars a giant ape fighting spaceships.

[@Skarking_08]

Yo is that et on the thumbnail

[@smithwesson1896]

Godzilla Minus One gave us Jaws and Jurassic Park in a Godzilla movie

[@Emulous79]

If Gar were scattered all over space it would make a Garfield.

[@fattiger6957]

This movie is what happens when you mix up 2 acts of an Alien knockoff script with the final act of an ET knockoff script.

[@dubuyajay9964]

What about "Pod People?"

[@loschrodproductions4519]

I think it would have worked better if it was a cross between ET and Predator, like, an alien kid gets lost on earth and befriends human kids, but the government chases them, meanwhile the alien father looks for his son while kills a lot of people

[@dubuyajay9964]

@loschrodproductions4519 Metal. That movie is somehow very 80's and 90's at the same time.

[@cartooncritique6625]

"ET phone...DEATH!!" 👽💀

[@DeathofInk]

Xenomorph: "I'm sorry for killing all your crew mates and turning their bodies into eggs, Ripley. Think we can still be friends?"

[@TheBrandonTenold]

No problem Xeno. I'll make some lemonade & get the checker board!

[@louisduarte8763]

Ripley: "Oh, I think there's ANOTHER way to make it up to me..." [activate sci-fi-ish porno music]

[@PeteTheGrouch]

@@louisduarte8763 Sadly, there's probably already a r34 of that out there somewhere...

[@Dherkin_McGhurken]

​@@PeteTheGrouch Ever since people could make 2nd life models pose, it only got worse when 3d modeling became easier to mesh the xeno eggs with uh certain parts and have the face huggers crawl out between the legs.

[@GreenDinoRanger]

​@@PeteTheGrouchThere is...

[@arrownibent5980]

This is the first time I actually watch that the horror plot twist at the end was the friends we made along the way

[@sirequinox4874]

"Whitesnake groupie" and "space fudge" got me. Comedy gold.

[@XthegreatwhyX]

The real horror was the friends we made along the way.

[@richardw2977]

"What does Gar need with a starship?" Great line given the context. 😂😂

[@mmattson8947]

And it was 3 years before the Star Trek V movie asked a similar question.

[@ХомаЛенивый]

@@mmattson8947 помню помню, мистер Спок и капитан Пикард нашли центр вселенной и всё испортили.

[@kyleburkhardt1549]

"What does Gar need with a starship?". That quote alone is deserving of a like.

[@DavidRoarty]

also the end credits say, FILMED ENTRIELY IN SPACE

[@MrDj232]

I suppose it is technically correct.

[@varanid9]

Damn, talk about location filming!

[@KasumiKenshirou]

@@MrDj232 Oh, yeah, you're right. The Earth IS in space.

[@ConstantineFurman]

Eh, it was funnier when "Moonraker" did it.

[@varanid9]

@@ConstantineFurman You mean when Roger Moore was filling Louis Chile's space?

[@sativaburns6705]

Now I need to know more about "the Gling".

[@SwaggyG_2102]

The characters' befriending Gar might seem out of place, but if an intelligent alien creature killed three crewmates, I'd probably play buddy-buddy too in order to not get killed.

[@MunkyDrag0n]

Perfectly logical response

[@bezoticallyyours83]

Good point

[@dragonllig790]

That’s actually a pretty good point

[@somercet1]

That last line.... "why is he such a jerk?" Such writing.

[@jerrywalls3402]

Awesome, "Star Trek V", reference. 100 cool points for perfect usage! "Why does Gar need a spaceship"? Sweet.

[@Fulgrim2]

“…drank lemonade and played checkers” I don’t know, I had him pegged as a 40k man myself.

[@davidlionheart2438]

You had me at "I had him pegged".

[@justanothernobody7142]

I remember watching this as a kid and having a wtf moment when the alien turns friendly. It's like it was part 80s horror creature feature and part kid's movie.

[@mkcstealth7624]

"They had us in the first half, not gonna lie" the motion picture

[@poochyenajones1362]

Ok, this was definitely one of the weirdest endings to a horror film I've ever seen.

[@maxpower3726]

When the white goo dripped out of the egg, I thought "yeah, he's done". Time for a cigarette.

[@DavidRoarty]

L.I.L.Y. CAT had references not only to Alien, but some from The Thing(1982) as well

[@GoGojiraGo]

I got some big "Leviathan" vibes from that one.

[@9specter528]

...he already covered that exposition-fest, though.

[@Dherkin_McGhurken]

Trancers? That's the machine from Airplane 2, they're still trying to figure out what it does besides have the lights go back and forth.

[@dsandoval9396]

They go back and forth, blinking, and flashing, and beeping!

[@ianhughes1272]

Nobody has yet to notice the computer console with the numbers is the same one from the DeLorean in BTF

[@mistdyna]

The alien in the numb nail looks like it is about to sneeze.

[@raptorskilltor4554]

When you wanted a straight forward horror movie, instead you get a movie with an identity crisis

[@infernusrex796]

I saw this at the theatre when I was 15, I was mildly entertained.

[@TheBrandonTenold]

"I was mildly entertained" should be a quote on the Blu-Ray.

[@Cptsimian33]

@@TheBrandonTenold I love the crystal Mcguffin the alien has. That's one of the best Mcguffins I've ever seen "while the crystal is an advanced computer the alien uses when confronted with a problem" (from wiki). No shit that crystal fixes ALL plot holes! Hack control of the ship (crystal got you covered!), Meteor storm (crystal got you covered!), Need to cut commination (crystal got you covered!), Need to learn about the Bible (crystal got you covered!), convert Alpha-7 into a ship (crystal got you covered!) . Maybe most abused Mcguffin ever ??

[@grapeshot]

That's one thing I miss about the video store you would see the cover of some of these videos and they'd look real good but you had to take a chance sometimes you got a masterpiece sometime you got crap.

[@RichardWatt]

So did Sturgeon's Law apply? I grew up in a small town which never had a video store that lasted for long.

[@TheBrandonTenold]

I wonder how many people were disappointed when they saw the alien in this movie and it didn't look like the cover?

[@KasumiKenshirou]

Hollywood should be remaking THESE movies, and making them actually match what was promised on the box art.

[@majorgear1021]

I miss the adult movie section they would hide behind curtains. But hey, we all miss different things.

[@Rgoid]

Still waiting for that “Metalstorm: the Destruction of Jared-Syn” review.

[@TheBrandonTenold]

It'll happen...eventually...

[@frankgesuele6298]

@@TheBrandonTenold Promises. Promises🥱

[@CalculatedRisk]

I saw that in the theatre!!

[@evilash570]

The fictitious Movie in the new Fall Guy movie is Metal Storm, and it kind of is a bit of a tribute, it doesn’t have the dude with the cool acid spitting arm though

[@kn3448]

For those interested, Olympus Mons is NOT a crater on Mars. It's actually a shield volcano. In fact, the largest volcano in the entire solar system.

[@majorgear1021]

A SHIELD volcano? Is it run by Nick Fury?

[@Takeshi357]

How do you measure the height of a volcano on a planet that hasn't got a sea level? 🤔

[@TurboLoveTrain]

@@Takeshi357 from the base.

[@Takeshi357]

@@TurboLoveTrain Yeah but where is that The thing about Olympos Mons is that the land area it takes up so large that "do you take the curvature of the planet into account?" is a valid question too

[@strikermodel]

​@Takeshi357 at that point, it's a safe bet it is in fact, the largest (observed).

[@racheledwards2352]

Cronenberg handshake....Classic. Oh, and Brandon, you should do GOR

[@seancarter7742]

I remember my friend telling me years ago about how this destroyed sooo many careers

[@TheBrandonTenold]

You're telling me "The Gling" would've been a superstar if not for this movie?

[@seancarter7742]

The Gling? Maybe a star, but not a superstar like The Bling

[@GreenDinoRanger]

​@@TheBrandonTenoldYou didn't hear? The Gling was tragically killed in a drive-by shooting. The suspect was widely believed to have been The Bling, an up-and-coming rapper with whom they were involved in a copyright infringement lawsuit.

[@TheSteel101]

⁠

[@mathieuleader8601]

the design of the spacecraft makes it feel like a prequel to comedy series Red Dwarf.

[@LarixusSnydes]

If so: Was the Red Dwarf model made with packing carton with styrofoam cups?

[@TurboLoveTrain]

@@LarixusSnydes That would have been too expensive for the original BBC red dwarf budget.

[@yevgeniyermakov5582]

15:45 Didn't expect a Star Trek: The Final Frontier reference 😂

[@moseshorowitz4345]

3:00 - Yeah, Coke would sponsor anything in the Eighties, as they had lost so much market share with New Coke and had a lot of catching-up to do.

[@TheBrandonTenold]

I guess the 80's really were the 'coke' decade.

[@MrDj232]

Did they pay in money or just hand out the leftover reserves from when Coke actually had coke in it?

[@KasumiKenshirou]

@@MrDj232 Bill Cosby was their spokesman back then. I'm sure some Coke had drugs in it at some point.

[@bob23301]

Kirk "excuse me, why does Gar need a starship"?

[@IAmOfAll]

'What does Gar need with a starship' indeed...

[@AndersPack]

"Lieutenant Whitesnake Groupie" - that's the kind of weird statements (that somehow makes sense) that makes me love your videos!

[@sergiocampanale3882]

I'm glad you finally did this one ... I thought it was kind of strange at first but the final twist is unique to say the least .... Having the alien killing out of self preservation (a common trope) and then learning ethics and becoming a born against Christian is certainly an interesting development and is also more optimistic, ending with compromise and understanding rather than who blows who up the most ... A little like say "Robot Jox" "The Dark Crystal" or the two 'Lego Movies'. .... Yes, it's cheap but who would have financed a big budget movie with the same storyline? ....and the ballad ending is quite touching.

[@KingofKarnies]

Living in the mountains near Vegas, it looks like home. So you're not far off.

[@ajmeyers5661]

"What does Gar need with a starship?" OK he def got me with that one. Well played!

[@cernstormrunner7263]

Oh my god. this movie. I picked it up at a used video/CD/Record store on VHS. It took me FOREVER to get through since i kept falling asleep watching it. Better than Melatonin gummies.

[@atlanime]

15:26 IT'S THE USELESS MACHINE FROM AIRPLANE II: THE SEQUEL!!!!

[@CoolBreezeHeals]

Coke did try to sponsor everything back in the 80's. They were at war with Pepsi. The war ended after Michael Jackson's hair caught on fire while filming a commercial for Pepsi. *At least thats how I remember it.

[@skylx0812]

In the Jacksons tv miniseries it showed that the Pepsi contract was their abusive father's last attempt at trying to manage the group. Michael didn't want any part of the deal but his mom talked him into it. Then of course the accident happens. Talk about "family stuff".

[@xBINARYGODx]

nah, they continued to battle even after that. pepsi paying off celebrities continued on

[@bezoticallyyours83]

And this is why we don't need that much hairspray boys n girls

[@ephraimwinslow]

For a second? I read "Dark Crystal", and got very excited. Now I'll have to settle for moderately excited instead...

[@loschrodproductions4519]

I'm still waiting for the day Brandon will review The Dark Crystal

[@nicholaslienandjaja1815]

Would like to see him review a rip-off/mockbuster of The Dark Crystal.

[@loschrodproductions4519]

@@nicholaslienandjaja1815 I don't think that exists

[@MrDj232]

​@@loschrodproductions4519 Does the Netflix series not count?

[@loschrodproductions4519]

@@MrDj232 no, since it's a legit follow up and not a rip off. A very good follow up by the way

[@jimmyclimer594]

Coke is what most people remember about the eighties, and the drink too.

[@capptacular]

Airplane 2 also had those laser bars too lol

[@sfighter0085]

I know I was joking when I made the "E.T. must assimilate you!" comment on the community post, but wow, the last act of this movie literally turned into "E.T.". Kind of an odd one here, the first half is basically a traditional "Alien" knockoff, but after all the blood and carnage, the movie becomes lighthearted and the monster turns friendly for no reason. Seeing this was made in 1986, I wonder if creative process involved something that has the first half of "Coca-Cola", minus the Cola.

[@FLCL_rox]

When I heard the ending song my brain immediately thought "Jem and The Holograms" but to find out it was goddang Daphne is even more wild.

[@dalekloaf143]

Hi Brandon! I’ve been watching your content for a long time, my first video of yours that I watched was your review of the green slime and ever since then I was hooked! I wanna say I love your content and you’re my favorite film review channel!

[@hsalfesrever3554]

Honestly the twist at the end could have worked if we saw the crewmate victims attack the alien first, then the alien retaliates and kills them, then at the end when the alien explains that it was scared and killed in self defense, it would make more sense. It wouldn't save the movie but it's something

[@jjenk911]

Tentacles? I've seen enough Hentai to know where this is going.

[@DavidRoarty]

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back: I think George Lucas is gonna sue somebody 4:23

[@loschrodproductions4519]

Alien with ET is a thing, imagine the other way around: ET with a Xenomorph

[@Boomerjojo79]

Hey there's a robot Chicken sketch about that

[@loschrodproductions4519]

@@Boomerjojo79 didn't know that! I'll search for it!

[@ThomasGidley-kv2uj]

​@@Boomerjojo79Seen it Chicken kicks butt.

[@krystalfan]

"ET with a xenomorph" is actually a thing as well XTRO look it up

[@wrestlerdude6955]

We'll call it TE

[@ShadowSonic2]

I actually enjoyed the pseudo-Disney end song....but yeah, this one is all over the place

[@leeboy26]

I bet James Cameron shit himself when he saw he had this as competition.

[@SuperNiceteeth]

Shit himself with laughter maybe.

[@JohnnyBurnes]

It's different than when he saw Ferngully and blue a load.

[@DavidDrouant]

@@JohnnyBurnes 😈

[@t.andrewhanes872]

The alien in this looks less like ET and way more like the Spice Pilot(s) in David Lynch’s DUNE. Love the trivia on Daphne, lol…

[@vincenttayelrand]

Lieutenant White Snake groupie? I wonder how many are old enough to remember that.

[@66cuda]

Thanks!

[@reignfire85]

I did not expect the Christianity angle to come into play. Just having the alien negotiating with the last two would have worked, but instead they have this huge stretch of an explanation for it to suddenly change heart. It would have been more believable if it saw that passage as a framed picture on the wall of a crew member's room or heard them say it, but nope, it just uses a computer to investigate religion. It was a bold strategy and you can argue it did pay off.

[@richardpatterson4]

Thank God it didn't read the old testament or they would have been screwed

[@captnaberystwyth2879]

That long light thing was pointed at by Shatner in airplane 2!

[@jakarnilson]

And we STILL don't know what it does!

[@captnaberystwyth2879]

@@jakarnilson at least it flashes in order now.

[@damirko06]

i tell you this: if you hadn't pointed at the Falcons, i wouldn't have noticed them 😅

[@ScarletCharlotte]

7:04 The energy you put into that line made me laugh really hard.

[@billjones5741]

Greatest twist ending I've ever seem. Actually GENIUS. That closing song, tho. I was weeping with emotion.

[@Trilaan]

I had this movie on VHS when I was in Jr High. Crystal of a Star, which I rewound and listened to several times in a row once I'd seen the movie, eventually ended up on a mix-tape of music from movies along with the theme song of The Last Dinosaur(1977), the songs from House(1986), the Only You sequence from Hot Shots(1991) and others.

[@ShinGallon]

Say what you will but I miss the cassette futurism aesthetic of 70s/80s sci-fi movies. Gimme those blinky-light consoles and chonky CRT screens over everything being an Apple store with floating see-though screens that would be impossible to actually use in real life any day.

[@FleckoGold]

What a wholesome ending!

[@TheBrandonTenold]

Just what every sci-fi/horror movie needs.

[@mathieuaustin7190]

Passed this so many times in video store. Glad I sensed the farce was strong with this one!

[@drdreddmanofmystery9482]

17:32 Are those plastic Solo cups glued to the outside of that ship?

[@Brian-qn7fn]

Always a great day when a new Brandon video drops.

[@paulmiddleton8487]

My God. I saw this when I was 10 at a friend's birthday party (my mates mum had no idea about age restrictions) and it scarred me for life at that tender age. I've been trying figure out what movie the was called for decades so I could revisit it but could never figure it out! What a nostalgia blast for me, thank you! 🙏

[@moonstoneuniverse8516]

The twist is actually very beautiful

[@Morboeatspeople]

Baywatch Running requires at least a C-cup, Brandon. Let's keep things scientifically accurate.

[@dottiegillespie8067]

Hallelujah! Just got home from work and there iv a video from Mr Tenold!!! Thank you sir.

[@khkoehlerbooks]

Awesome. Trapped on a ship with a snot monster.

[@frankmilitary]

Airplane II uses those same lights. Shatner even makes a joke about them if I recall.

[@adamofgrayskull7735]

That machine with the red lights was in Aeroplane 2

[@shawnlusby1538]

That alien 👽 had a completely out of nowhere and unexpected face turn! Lol 😂😊

[@crawbag0311]

The claw, the sound, man this movie creeped me out as a kid

[@Griffon29]

Writers: "So how many introductions do you want in the movie?" Director: "Yes."

[@bryanbell7816]

Great job as always, love your videos. Keep up the good work my friend.

[@Flood520]

I low-key kinda hope that Brandon mentioning Piranha 2 was foreshadowing for a future episode.

[@strigoi_guhlqueen8355]

Now i really want you to review the terror within.

[@DavidRoarty]

love the opening music compose at the intro showing the credits

[@stevebishop9468]

It's a beautiful tune

[@firstlast822]

20 minutes went by, but it felt like 5 minutes. Not in the way that time flies by when you're having fun, but more like I forgot everything I just saw immediately. Or more like my brain was failing to connect each event to the next as it was happening. Whether I just developed short term memory loss, the movie was forgettable, or confusing. I couldn't give you a synopsis of what just transpired even if you asked me.

[@stryletz]

Not just sponsor, coke was involved in a lot of movie production back in the 80’s. And the 90’s… probably now too. That would explain some of the decisions Hollywood makes.

[@drawslashplay7384]

Looks like the ending creature from the "I have no mouth and I must scream" game.

[@BGRANT777X]

The top of the spaceship looks like a bunch of spray painted bottles and cups

[@kelicowilliams6339]

Entertaining commentary, fun to watch and listen too! Great job.

[@kamenrangerzeo8251]

10:36 Personal foul on Mr. Tenold. Illegal reference of using the stereotypical type 15 yd penalty.

[@bezoticallyyours83]

Holy shit creepazoids! Memory unlocked!

[@kiirothedriver8714]

I think Species II did this too cuz the terrifying alien clone there helped the humans locate the sex-crazed alien male. And lol it actually wasn't the first one. Star Crystal did a redeemable horror alien creature first, nice. (i'll give it that... i just like monsters that suddenly change heart for some reason, like an unknown powerful threat siding with man, I guess the early 80's-90's wanted that narrative dynamic, but that's just my goody-two-shoes self talking)

[@bezoticallyyours83]

Never seen either species movies

[@stefterreaux]

"crystal of the star" song (or whatever it's called) rejoin "against the ninja" to the pantheon of best song in bad movie... i guess

[@adaptabledisease]

Against the Ninja is a masterpiece, how dare you!

[@robfellows4096]

I listened to it and honestly The Words Get Stuck In My Throat

[@AmaryInkawult]

One of my favorite Canucks! Haven't seen any of your vids pop up in my recommendations in a hot year.

[@justacloud3374]

Oh Brandon… I’m happy that you are still being you and dishing out your awesome smart ass jokes, man.. we love you and we wish you more years on you doing your thing with all these cult movies you review Peace and lasagna be upon ya’!

[@GnrMilligan]

Thanks for the laughs and chuckles Brandon. You never fail to give me a lift when I need one!

[@dandydevil8243]

Fresh and delicious content adding this one to my sleep playlist

[@slowmotion171]

how do i like videos more than once? I'm already making my mom and kids watch and like, let me just click it until my finger falls off.

[@PeteTheGrouch]

Geez... they forgave that alien quicker than the hero forgives the villain in your typical shonen anime!

[@NeonDruid13]

the music is banging

[@axelwulf6220]

How underwhelming I was expecting a wall to wall bloodbath and instead got ET in Space

[@legionbeast]

There is a movie that sticks hard to the "Alien is only acting in self defense". The creature is super strong and nearly invincible but the military keeps trying to kill it and when it finds someone who isn't shooting at it, it tries to communicate with them. I wish I could remember the name of it.

[@kryptonianguest1903]

The Incredible Hulk?

[@legionbeast]

@@kryptonianguest1903 Hah, nah. The main thing was that the alien could asexually reproduce and when they would kill it, it would hatch from an egg and retain all of it's memories.

[@MrAlman8]

That was a great twist for an alien sci fi horror movie. Its definitely less predictable than your usual type of horror. IN YOUR FACE SHAMALAN! I mean this is something Guillermo del toro could come up with. But yeah awesome idea. Thanks for reviewing this one.