Breaking Cycles and Doing Things Differently

Parenting is hard-and parenting as a cycle-breaker is even harder. After all, if you’re raising your kids differently than you were raised, you’re carrying the weight of how generations before you were parented and acting as a pivot point for all the generations to come. That’s what it really means to be a cycle-breaker: The bravery and strength to say, “This family story… It ends with me. I’m starting something new.” The good news? You don’t have to do it alone. This week, Dr. Becky offers support to three parents who share their struggles around being cycle-breakers-from exhaustion to confusion to loss. She offers practical scripts and strategies, and reminds everyone to lean on each other, too. Remember: You are part of this community of intentional, cycle-breaking parents. Together, we can change the world, one person at a time.
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[@amyfrancis9423]

This is a tough topic for me. I think most parents will say they did the best they could, and in many ways I believe to some degree that is true. However, as much as I know my mother loved my sister and I, there was a cycle I still struggle to break. My mother was always a yeller and she hit. She often would pull my hair as a child and cursed a lot. I know I am an adult with my own free will and am capable of making decisions and choices. However, I still struggle with being reactive and I yell a lot and will curse. This is definitely affecting my relationship with my 10 year old daughter. I think she has an unhealthy attachment to me, always wanting me to be home with her and upset if I go out for even a few hours. She "needs" me to be close to her in proximity to her bedroom when she goes to bed every night. How do I break this cycle of yelling and learn to set clear boundaries that I will be consistent with. BTW, I hope this does not seem like an excuse but I really feel that I also have A.D.D. but was never formally diagnosed. I do take meds for anxiety too. Thank you for your advice.

[@kf4083]

💖

[@s731s]

What if I'm relating so much to Lindsay and yet I can't give distance because we moved my parents into the inlaw suite. They are retired or on disability and available 24/7. I needed the help with my toddler and babies, but this is TOO much help? I feel ungrateful. But the way they are swooping in to raise my toddler has very evidently put a riff in my relationship with my daughter. She doesn't come to me anymore. She is defaulting to their teaching, so I can't even cycle break when my kid is in the deep end with tye upbringing that hurt and damaged me. They have good intentions and I appreciate them. But their brokenness makes me unapproachable and their emotional immaturity makes them shut down or lash out so that I can't even talk to them about how much it's hurting me to feel like a back seat driver to raising my own babies.

[@annechen103]

S731s this is a very scary scenario. You need to rescue your daughter and get those people out ASAP.

[@dptfo]

Same, except in our case we live on their property. What has worked for us is making solid boundaries and making/ sticking to a schedule. For a while , my son would run to grandma's house the minute he woke up in the morning. They would make a big deal about "Good morning!!" Always sounding excited to see him, theyd make him breakfast, and it was basically a little party just for him every single morning. and I thought, hey, that's great, happy memories, less work for me, right? But after breakfast I would come to get him and my mom would be angry, slamming things around, impatient, unkind, speaking to him with hurtful words. She would never turn him away, she would never send him home, and she would never say it outright, but she was making breakfast begrudgingly, while she was pretending to be welcoming. I told her that she needed to be honest with him and with me. She's so afraid of hurting his feelings that she bottles it all up and then explodes on him like she used to explode on me when I was little. So. We had a conversation about it. And now I only allow him to to go there for a visit between 10:30 until lunch, and on certain days she spends time outside with him from 4:30 til I'm dinner. It's a small change but it has helped him to be more comfortable at home, and confident he can rely on me for things. When he's hungry, he doesn't run to grandma anymore. It's helped me be a more fun mom, because he's here with lots of time to play now and not just here at bedtime or time to clean or whatever. Boundaries and honesty are key.

[@dptfo]

Gosh, I am so frustrated with how you handled this one with Lindsay. When Lindsay shared this life-changing information with her mom, her mom understandably took it as a personal attack. They were defensive about how they handled things, because they don't want Lindsay to believe they were bad parents, after they put their hearts into raising her the best they could. And obviously before all of this new advice, she had a good and close relationship with her parents. She was excited to share with her mom what she was learning, despite and because of the upbringing she had. And I am bewildered that your advice here is "welp, you're just gonna have to let them go, because we have a home for you here at good inside". The principle that is our mantra is being completely contradicted. As parents, we are good inside, and our children, they are good inside, but as for Our parents, they're not good inside and we should just dump them if they don't think like we do? The worst thing Lindsay could do in this situation is shut her mother out; to stop calling right after dropping the bomb on them, implying that the way they raised her was all wrong. A better course would be to keep talking to her mom, to keep repairing, and to heal some of those wounds. You can't shame them into change. You can't shame them into thinking you're right and they're wrong. Sometimes we have to parent our parents, and apply these principles in reverse for them, because, like you said, they didn't have the resources we have. It wasn't their fault they didn't know. Our parents that tried to be good parents, they are good inside too. And most of our parents believed themselves to be cycle breakers even, in their own way. They were doing the best they could with the resources they had in that moment. I don't think it's fair or right to dismiss our parents or cut them out of our lives just because we know something they don't understand.