3 Steps To Understanding Your Childhood TRIGGERS And How To Repair Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

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Today’s conversation is required listening for everyone.
We are going to blow the lid off of #emotional #triggers. Let’s get to the bottom of why you and I react the way we do, and more importantly, learn simple ways to take control of our emotions.
It doesn’t matter where you live, how you grew up, or even if you’re a freakin’ saint to everyone else, I know you have something that triggers you. You have days just like I do when something sets you off and you either snap like a firecracker or withdraw like a turtle in a shell.
And just like me, you say and do things you later regret.
I’ll go first: I’m trying hard to work on the nasty tone of voice I use with Chris and our kids when I feel frustrated or confronted. And it doesn’t end there. If you’re like me, you beat yourself up for getting triggered, and you now start feeling bad and regret what you did (or the fact that you did nothing).
It makes me feel like crap when I do these things. I have felt helpless for a long time because it’s been so automatic when I get triggered emotionally. I don’t want to keep living like this. I’d like to feel calm, peaceful, and more in control.
And that’s what this episode is about.
Wouldn’t you love to get out of this cycle of feeling emotionally triggered? Wouldn’t you love to take control of your emotional life as an adult?
The good news: you can rewire your response to stressful and annoying situations.
And in turn, you’ll bring more happiness, presence, control, and closer relationships into your life, because you’ll be present in them instead of letting your emotions drive you.
So, who is going to teach us about triggers?
I’ve tracked down a psychologist who teaches one of the most popular online workshops about this topic:
The incredible Dr. Becky Kennedy (@goodinside).
She’s the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Good Inside. And do not let the fact that she is a child psychologist and parenting expert keep you from soaking up and applying everything you can learn from her.
No matter how old you are right now, YOU were once a child. And that, my friend, is where your triggers got hardwired inside of you: before you even knew how to talk.
Understanding triggers (and taming them) requires you to go back before you can move forward.
Dr. Becky says, “Your triggers are stories from your past.”
Listen to this episode and really try to absorb what Dr. Becky shares, because the wiring and triggers that frustrate you right now are not permanent.
I know you’re going to send this to every one of your friends who is a parent, and please send it to your kids, nieces, and nephews, too.
Learning how to rewire my response to stress at 54 is amazing. But imagine if you knew how to do this in high school. That’s why I’ve asked our three kids - ages 23, 22, and 17 - to listen too. Sure, it would be nice for us to pass this healing and confidence-building stuff down to every generation, right? If they get this information now, they can rewire themselves faster.
This is really important, life-changing stuff. And I love that it’s also so simple. And you know what else I love? You. Thank you for listening and let me know what you learn.
Xo, Mel
Timecodes:
00:00 Intro
01:03 Meet Dr. Becky Kennedy
05:36 The body and brain wires early, but it is never too late to rewire
06:51 Key Concept: The body you have today, is the one you were born with
11:12 How a child becomes dysregulated
15:37 Key Concept: Our triggers are stories from our past
20:03 Research: Internal Family Systems understanding your protector part
23:28 HOW to repair and rewire emotional triggers
29:03 Tantrums and meltdowns are explosions of desire
30:19 People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking as women
36:03 Tool: How to locate/understand your triggers
41:23 WHY we collapse behavior into identity
45:35 Concept: The road to reactivity
50:51 Tool: Name your worry, acknowledge it and let it go
Listen to the #podcast episode "Why Am I So Triggered? 3 Steps to Control Your Emotions & Rewire Your Response to Stress" - link.chtbl.com/DAinFkFf?sid=e...
#parenting #family #relationships
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[@melrobbins]

The conversation I had with Dr. Becky @goodinside today was incredibly eye opening 👀. If you gained some valuable insights today like I did, then I’d be so grateful if you’d drop a like and subscribe to hear from some more incredible guests in the future.

[@hassnatahmad5339]

More episodes on parenting, and how different ways of parenting affects children!

[@joduffy6851]

I just couldn't stop pausing and writing stuff down. I'm on my third listen and I'm still blown away. There are some huge revelations here. It's heavy but also uplifting.

[@pdelpech]

ME TOOOOO!!!!

[@rasaron1]

Amazing info!

[@madkinsroofing]

Could you share what you wrote down, if you don't mind?

[@TheImperfectReader]

Would love to see your notes/takeaways.

[@tommydeamon7657]

She us a gid send and hell o smart

[@hellsbells3254]

When you're a baby you don't remember the words or the actions but you remember the way you were made to feel.

[@alesianickerson5879]

I think healing comes by doing what makes your heart sing. I live by it now.

[@andreasrydell]

I love this topic; the subconscious mind creates who we are! That includes the good parts and the blocks and limitations you have that stop you from experiencing more in life right now. For example, let's say you touch your hand on a burning hot stove when you are a kid. You don't have to think about not doing the same later on; you automatically avoid it cause your brain saved that painful feeling with the experience of what happened down in your subconscious mind *so you never do it again.* Let's say you have a mother that reacts strongly to you when you cry when you are younger, perhaps yelling at you. Then you might stop yourself from crying in the future, and you might stop speaking up. *Why?* Cause you don't want to experience the traumatic emotion of feeling abandoned or not loved by your mother ever again, so you tweak your personality and start acting in new ways. This could be why you people please later in life, why you let people walk over you, to name a few. As kids, just as Becky said, we need love and acceptance from our parents to feel safe and be okay. And we'll do *anything* to get it. Including burying parts of who we really are and taking on new negative aspects. Aspects that we have come to believe we need to have to be accepted in life, which screws us over cause we keep acting in the same way later on in life. Still stuck in our unconscious survival mechanism to escape pain.

[@robinwelsome28]

So well explained and it's exactly where I'm at and I'm the one that wasn't allowed to cry as a child I quit crying at 15 never cried again until I was 21 because I thought that I had to hold on to the pain to survive to be stronger as a person to handle situations that were catastrophic in my life at the time and you wouldn't believe how messed up as an adult I am

[@robinwelsome28]

God I don't. Want to loose what your commitment is here it's me all of it it makes sense concerning my childhood trumas I had

[@elainekaniaru6346]

"Find the good inside of you and create a better life"... Thank you Mel

[@phlaxguy]

Thank you for this conversation, this is helping me forgive my parents and myself

[@maggie45431]

Oh my god! People pleasing, perfectionism, overthinking, questioning yourself, inability to take risks, fear of being seen! Whenever you were in most contact with your desires it endangered your relationships! mind! Blown!

[@bobbyevans3368]

Wow, Mel. This is huge. As a young father this is so important to be cognitive of. Thank you. I will continue working on myself so that I don't blah all over children. Thank you so much for your dedication to us.

[@violetmoon397]

This made me think of so much.. My whole childhood my parents would scream at me like drill sergeants over my childhood frustrations there was so much screaming and fighting over super small things and it was always so scary for me. I still feel what I physically felt as a child because it never went away. And this made me think both my grandfathers where super abusive towards my parents. Screaming fighting and yelling verbal abuse and physical abuse. I had an undiagnosed panic attack disorder and GAD I stated struggling at 7 with it and my parents didn't know how to handle it at all. they would always tell me I don't know what to do with you and yell at me. I'm 29 and still no where in life because I have a crippling social disorder that I cant get a grip on. I'm in therapy for the past 3 years finally diagnosed and I realized so much but I don't know how to push myself because as a child I would hide and want to be alone and I'm still that 7 year old. and even with the acknowledgement idk how to change its like I have the open door with no room. And I still have resentment towards my parents but I could see how they where raised was definitely projected it on me but they themselves were victims.

[@phlaxguy]

I’m 37, I’ve been in therapy since I was 20, I’m just now starting to take care of myself because I’m worth the work, getting to the door is a great step but walking through isn’t easy, don’t get frustrated and just try little steps, you’re going to stumble, you’re supposed to stumble, just keep working towards going through that door YOU CAN DO IT AND ARE WPRTH IT

[@moniqueengleman873]

And that (parents are people too) shows your evolution as a human. This will keep all baggage light.

[@heidimetz7698]

Hi....remember you are stronger than you think. Talk to your therapist about "healing the little". And also look into EMDR therapy. It can help you refile trauma. It took you time to be where you are. It will take time to push through. But you will. Make sure you engage in self care every day. Good food, sleep, nice music, light a candle & take a nice bath, take a walk and get sunshine on your face, watch videos that make you laugh, have coffee with a friend, maybe go to church?, pray?,....take time for you. Be blessed..you are worth it!!!

[@aktarip]

I can’t thank you enough for bringing this guest to the podcast. I have learned it’s okay TO WANT something! Unbelievable. And how much strings are attached to my childhood and my parents’ divorce. I just recently discovered your channel and can’t get enough of it!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! ❤ 5,4,3,2,1 - mirror high 5! 😂

[@ashwini160]

I learned very valuable words: don’t yell, blame or isolate yourself. Shame stops us from the track that got us up to a point that is frozenness. It’s interesting that compassion and momentum is the key to life. Assuming positive intent about life and myself keeps me on the path and separate myself from a situation.

[@sarahcouture24]

Nobody is ever motivated by shame and guilt… wish someone had told my parents that when I was growing up… I need to remember this, because I definitely know how true it is from personal experience, especially when responding to other peoples unwanted behaviors…

[@moniqueengleman873]

Hurt people, hurt other people.

[@RnW9384]

I'm so sorry that your parents are so misguided. Do your healing work. My late dad was mi!itary n misguide. I've been on the healing path since my late teens. I just turned 65. It's do able, it takes time n patience. ❤

[@barbaras676]

My grandmother TOLD my mom to discipline using guilt and shame. She didn’t know any better, so she did! I developed codependency (for more reasons than just that). Still trying to overcome it and I’m 65

[@itchysheets1222]

I feel seen

[@BlueLuna5]

Me thinking I grew up with great parenting and then realizing they only used guilt and shame. Then spanked me when I had my own opinion. No wonder I'm feeling like such a horrible mom, and I'm triggered by my kid. I'm trying to help them with something I've never been taught myself.

[@LeoSunScorpioMoon]

Yes, Dr Becky. Thank you for being my voice. Our triggers are indeed stories, yes, STORIES from our past. Yes, PAST. Not right now. Not right here.

[@atee6331]

38:24 WOW!! I definitely see how I’ve brought my “childhood adapting behaviors” into adulthood… not good🙁. But now I’ll be mindful of it . Thank you both!!

[@daretodatedifferently]

This is so good. I can see how it’s hard for me to ask for what I desire. I was told by my father that I was old enough that my wants won’t hurt me. I also see my ex’s abandonment keeps resurfacing with our child and making her choose one parent over the other, instead of allowing her to have both.

[@janeann4000]

Great episode - I was struggling with Childhood triggers and it was impacting my job this week and my growth potential. Thank you!

[@marisacooper5364]

Yes, this IS required listening! I’m spouse , a mom of a young adult, and an early childhood educator -These are concepts I’m learning about in a parenting training course I’m taking called Hand in Hand. I’m unpacking my own childhood triggers that are being brought to the surface. With this acknowledgement we must also remember that parents and children are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. There is always more to learn, realize, and forgive about our own childhood and our own parenting- I’m so relieved that it’s never too late to rewire our emotional selves. Peace and love

[@estherhirsch4460]

Mel u r truly saving the world since everyone needs to hear and can relate. Hugs xoxo

[@artysqueezy184]

Wow the last part about honouring your promises to yourself. I’d cried before that, but then…so powerful. Thank you both.

[@pattyweinberg7772]

Thank you so much she put into words what I was feeling and didn’t even know it. This was very enlightening. Thank you.

[@tinasimoneau4242]

This was so incredibly enlightening and I will definitely listen to this again and again and make sure I capture every part of it. Thank you so much for posting!

[@gabriellazomorrodian5931]

Omggg wow wow wow. So good!!!!! Dr. Becky is the first doctor I’ve listened to who actually connects and empathizes so clearly with both parent and child perspectives. Just phenomenal.

[@awds525]

This is was such a real amazing conversation. Needed this message❤

[@sarahcouture24]

Thank you for spreading awareness about such an important and life altering topic!

[@stasiasplace]

I did not see a place to look into Dr Becky. I appreciate the insight of many of your podcasts, but I would like to dive more into what Dr Becky was saying. Thank you for all you do, and how open, honest and to the point you are.

[@marniewoodrow3432]

The discovery of this episode right now is everything. Thank you both.

[@user-ok8mr6qz7h]

Wow I’ve been reading a lot of books about our childhood triggers and how they play out in us but never how we relate with our kids this is the best information I’ve ever heard thank you for sharing this information I will be getting the book and passing on this information

[@1948rambo]

I’m blown away too!!! Super great information!!! 😮 thank you so much!!!

[@stephyg20]

This is just explosively good. Thank you Dr. Becky and Mel...this work has been transformative to my life.

[@mollycomeau2687]

Mel no wonder you’re number one I’ve loved you from a far for many many years and you make me think and use my processing skills I enjoy and relate to your podcasts and just about everything you do thank you

[@a.k.3110]

Thanks to the two of you and your team. This is so beautiful and feels so connecting. Healing.

[@ladonnaochoa3783]

I could relate to almost all of it and already shared to 6 of my counseling clients! Excellent video thank you so much!

[@anhaze804]

Thank you SO much for this conversation! ♥

[@RoHof86]

Oh my gosh. This resonates with me!!! Especially doing what I didn't want to do!!

[@ggbouvier9897]

Mel, I have “discovered” you a week or so and so pissed that I missed you show! Mel, you rock! Glad you have podcast so I can learn anytime!😊 I am very aesthetic so don’t take this the wrong way. It looks like your in a soundproof room, but you are so light like spring, but the room needs more light colors to reflect you!😊

[@syafzal273]

I really enjoyed this podcast episode. Lots of learnings here for parenting and also for parents and non-parents to apply to their life. I had heard of Dr. Becky's podcast from our kids' pediatrician and child psychologist but I didn't pay much attention. After listening to this episode I'm listening to the audiobook "Good Inside" and it's profound. I love the approach based on the Good Inside philosophy and principles rather than timeouts, sticker charts, rewards and punishments. Looking forward to listening to the rest of the book and I'm already trying to apply principles such as "Two things are true" in parenting and to other areas.

[@CindDJo]

Wow... this was the best. So touched by both of you. I have a lot of work to do but it doesn't seem impossible anymore.

[@melrobbins]

You got this ❤️

[@RodaKflom]

Thank you mel and Dr.becky this podcast is the best newyear present i got ever. Thank you for your love. I love you too.❤

[@van84agon]

Great topic. Anyone else having issues with the audio? Very difficult to hear

[@kathypeters3701]

I love you. I loved this and needed to hear it this morning. Thank you

[@susanstewart4487]

I absolutely loved this. Thank you so much sharing this.

[@tanjaaufdermaur9468]

AWESOME!!! 🙌🙌🙌And FUN!!! I loved it!!! 💗💗💗💗 Thank you!

[@ilsebroeksma655]

Amazing podcast. Thank you both!

[@ariadnawildmoser6426]

Awesome episode! I've been listening to the audio book by Gabor Maté "the myth of normal" and it resonates so much with the statement "our triggers are stories from your past..." also about the fact that some behaviours were adaptive in our childhood but are causing problems in our adult life. I'm working on becoming a happier and assertive person and mom. Thank you Mel for your incredible work and support!

[@Smileladygreatvibes]

❣️ Thank you both and team for sharing ☺️

[@larashepherd607]

My problem is not in the morning. It is at night. As soon as the evening starts my anxiety and PTSD. I do the high 5 morning and night. Thank you Mel. I love you and I believe in you ♥️

[@thestudentat101]

❤️Thanks! This is a great conversation. 🔑 Key Words: Self-abandonment. I really appreciated Mel for bringing up the topic of self-abandonment when it comes to the challenge of keeping promises or commitments to your self @47:07. I feel grateful for how Dr. Kennedy's demonstration of what a loving inner dialogue or inner self talk looks and sounds like with or without a dash of humor.

[@karenpayne1011]

Powerful! Appreciate you.

[@silverpromidi]

Oh this is going to be put into a bookmark so I do NOT lose it and I can reference it later so I can go back over and over and process so much. Thank you BOTH 💖💖

[@ceciliarb]

Amazing podcast! I love this so much!! Thank you for this!

[@dawncollins3161]

Thank you, Ladies!! Wonderful information 🌻🌻🌻

[@rachelmatter9854]

Wrote so much... Cried... and wish this interview never stopped! Thankyou so much 💕

[@matt19026]

Mel Robbins, thank you so much for this episode. Dr. Becky Kennedy's examples were very eye-opening.

[@Rec_it_Roop]

Dr Becky is amazing! Her book is Phenomenal. Thank you Mel for having her on. Love all your content Mel! You should bring her back.

[@Dux22]

Amazing video! ❤ Thank you.

[@lucykim3383]

Really appreciate you guys!

[@naglaadel1512]

thank u 💔 im working now on healing my childhood and family traumas , they are alot

[@sudeshnam1672]

Well can't thank you enough... Felt relieved to know that we can correct the damages

[@sandysteinkamp7890]

I am so Grateful for this Podcast conversation!!! It was Amazingly helpful I am learning how all the Trauma from childhood to ex husband and the ending of a harmful relationship and that trauma. Thank you Both sooooooo much 🙏🏻

[@robinflorentine9232]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Mel Robbins your topics always hit home! Wow! I’m speechless! I’ve learned so much from you! I can’t wait to meet you in person someday so I can give you a hug!💕💕💕🙃

[@jillvasquez7827]

Thank you for this podcast. I did purchase her book. ❤️

[@kaym.2854]

This was amazing. Thanks! I wish there was a part 2. It would be great to hear more about speaking up and how it can be done in different scenarios. This is a big struggle for me.

[@jillvasquez7827]

I would like to hear more also.

[@peggydoherty2196]

WOW Mel you hit the nail on the head. Ty 😪😪

[@4annegs]

Spectacular opportunityfor personal INSIGHTS!! 💥EVERYONE SHOULD LISTEN TO THIS!!💥 Mel, your facial expressions are priceless! Your authentic self is reacting to this topic~it's a total GIFT to watch you learn & process this info. (I had the same question about having the SAME BODY as born with) As ALWAYS THANK YOU!! 📢 Tech consideration: This taped very softly. I turned up the volume & almost lost my hearing when the ad came on🙄😉

[@vernefits1953]

Mel is awesome!!

[@emmat3531]

Thank you for this much-needed phrase about a parent's role--"My Sturdy Leader." @32:04 It's hard for children to understand that parents are learning as they're doing. Sometimes they don't make great choices in word or deed.

[@amandacole92]

Thanks for also video recording these!! ❤

[@shannonjackson576]

Mind blowing, in a good way. Thank you ladies.

[@lovebug2662]

Mel, I love you back!

[@arias2026]

Greetings from Italy! Go Mel!!

[@Gypsy218]

When she got to the second part of the talk she was in her knowledge zone and the examples and strategies were very helpful.

[@suzannebyron6034]

LIFE CHANGING! THANK YOU ❤️

[@Michelina22]

Excellent show ❤

[@Chris-dw7gq]

I actually ended my relationship because we triggered each other vulnerabilities. I tried to communicate that, but each time I did a series of behaviors occurred, like defensiveness, blaming, stone walling, gaslighting, exhausting. I owned my triggers and explained them, but if the other person is empty, forget it. Ring around the Rossary... oh, thanks a million for helping us, you are dynamite!! I do think we must own our behaviors, I never expected a man to pay, which might be a mistake too.

[@debmontana4233]

THANKS SO MUCH , MY FRIEND , MEL!! 🥳🤩. Love you right back 😘

[@livelaughlovin_lifeafter50]

So good!

[@laurieexcell5408]

Thank you!

[@taramceown2919]

So helpful! Thank you

[@julieburkhardt61]

this is just so, so very good!

[@bizzylizzy5075]

Fantastic podcast thank you ladies ❤

[@maryanbova8435]

Brilliant Thankyou ❤

[@rebuiltbygrace]

I'm so ready for this at 2am...let's do this!

[@jennaarmbruster2169]

Mel i want you to know, you are making a difference in my life. 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

[@annemariebarrow6406]

Thanks!

[@adreenaali4145]

This was great ! Mel I love you! You are just so cute and real !!! Your mannerisms are awesome !!

[@memi13millan5]

Thank you so much God bless you 😊❤️

[@InitiateChangeSparkPeace]

Powerful message!!!

[@gamacaluso]

Such a great psychiatrist I could have used decades ago. Better late than never! Thank u Mel 🥰🤗

[@rebeccathomas7187]

Most awesome information 😮❤

[@michaelashortle4946]

I love the get curious tip… I could relate to all the situations and feelings mentioned in this episode but I have no idea how to access that in myself in the moment. So I love Dr Becky’s tip to get curious 🤔🤯 Thank you Mel!

[@aprilreynolds3559]

13 min in and i am fighting tears 😢 mercy did i need this video!

[@barbaradouglas2283]

During my childhood I experienced abuse in my family of origin. They don’t grasp that. Then during the start of my schooling years. This never ceased! I’ve lost out on so much re: healthy relationship connections. An education that I really needed but couldn’t get cause of my ADHD & Learning differences that were never understood or believed in, thus couldn’t be properly educated in the way I needed. Then friendships were really difficult to make & keep for a long time & truly included in. As a child was always told (on my crescent where I lived) my last name was used & then heard go home-we don’t wanna play with you!) That happened too much times to count! Then any boyfriends were from really dysfunctional families themselves! Oh, wonderful! I’ve never had a “truly healthy relationship with any males period. I experience my own brother 6 yrs & 6 days older than me still treating me with a degree of disrespect, demeaning, devaluating, etc. I really wonder if he’s even really aware how he’s affecting me on whatever level. Been told by a woman in church that’s she’s observed me quietly & seeing very similar behaviour patterns in me as she’s seeing in many of her clients! She’s stated that she’s observed emotional dysregulation. I can’t control my emotions. Am very very sensitive & can & do cry 😭 at the drop of a hat! It’s a very real thing/issue. Not something made up!!! My parents were not meant to be married to each other. Their marriage was very unhealthy in a majority of ways! I’m the 5th sibling & have wished that I hadn’t been born! I’m now in my early 60s! Still suffering to this day. 2023!!! Really?! Hoping desperately for correct & precisely needed counselling by a counsellor who sincerely grasps/understands exactly what & how I’ve been feeling & experienced/experiencing to this day?! I’m truly so incredibly tired of this. Thus so much crying 😭! Can’t seem to win in being clearly understood & have my feelings & experiences validated & get the tools 🛠 to fix all this. Otherwise I’m ready to GIVE UP!!! Really find Mel Robbins videos interesting! Thanks Mel!

[@sandeeastrom5217]

Wow..!!! So impactful….!!! Bless you both…🎖🥇💐🌅❤️🌻🌻🥰🌹😘

[@WellbeingScienceUK]

Thank you x

[@tammyshappyplace3343]

Wow. Info here is amazing. Thank you. Looking for resources you would recommend.

[@tinalapoint9294]

Fantastic 👏

[@theologytherapist]

It can be challenging for an individual to revisit experiences from their childhood, and in starting to challenge them may feel like a personal attack on what was learned then as well. Learning to rewire the brain is a long process, but is also necessary for a healing process to take place.

[@denisemc607]

Fabulous just doing a book study on IFS love these teachers ❤❤❤❤❤

[@viviennebustraan2713]

Thank you ❣️ Now i know i am not crazy for talking to myself and also how i came to be me. I knew but jet again didn’t … Never realized that the triggers ARE telling ME MY complete story, the parts i did not know. Now i can let others of the hook 😂In other words stop blaming them for my nasty emotions. Working very hard on the 2023 version of myself 😅😁