Bullied by siblings?? Dispelling 3 big myths

[@FinallyFulfilled]

My siblings stole tons of money from parents. When mom died of dementia, another sibling made mom sign a document to take over her house (she had no idea what she was signing). After mom and grandma died, they say I like the attention that comes from “playing the victim” when they literally took everything. Awful people. If someone abused their mother-they won’t care about you either.

[@martiwalsh2069]

When a parent dies, the abuse role is simply passed forward like the baton in a sick relay race.

[@teresafraser3049]

@@martiwalsh2069 I couldn't agree with you more

[@joannesaltfleet2071]

Too right it is!

[@QurVgn]

I wish there was a community of people with absolutely no family. It’s Such an existentially awful feeling - for me at least - I’d really appreciate being able to talk to other people who are Completely alone. No blood family, no chosen family, no close friends….. I feel constantly unmoored. 😢 Anyone else? I somehow Need to figure out how to be okay alone, to somehow create a new narrative so that I can survive or even thrive. 😪

[@elizabethbishbish992]

I'm in the same position.

[@QurVgn]

@@elizabethbishbish992 Hi!!! Have you found a way to live so that you’re not wrecked much of the time? I’ve had therapy since I was 20, so for 20 years. DBT saved my life - but I’m still heartbroken. FYI I’m a Brit expat living North of San Francisco - which is also like 🤯🤯🤯 how the fk did I end up here?!?! But I don’t have family Anywhere and moving back to England doesn’t make sense for various reasons. Sending hugs!

[@elizabethbishbish992]

@@QurVgn I just concentrate on my husband and 2 sons. My two sisters are nasty. Even though one of them tries to come across as nice. They are disturbed. I have made my own life.

[@QurVgn]

@@elizabethbishbish992 Oh, I became ill with autoimmune conditions which makes all of that impossible. So I’m truly alone and not very functional. I wish I could have created my own family.

[@elizabethbishbish992]

@@QurVgn please keep away from controlling people though. I'm sorry for your health condition. I have HBP it's a pain.

[@shiajohnson6499]

My very abusive older siblings denies ever hurting me. The other night was the last straw for me. I'm officially no contact with her and I'm staying that way. The betrayals, bullying, and invalidating will drive a person crazy.

[@terryallen7356]

I'm watching this video and seeing your comment from a year ago and wonder how you're doing. We're you able to stay no contact? I hope you're living a good life now.

[@terriduda6792]

Why don't more therapists know about family scapegoating abuse? This is spot on and so helpful. It's hard to find research on this topic

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

It’s taboo

[@terriduda6792]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery I was scapegoated (and also a new therapist) and am excited to see people with lived experience sharing their expertise and knowledge with others! Thanks!

[@kitsmith693]

It’s not something a text book explains, scapegoats don’t see themselves as victims, many paint a picture of healthy childhood & carry the belief the problem is them.

[@Luziemagick]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery i went to a therapist and in our fourth session she asked me where i am to blame for because i had to carry some fault. That was my last therapy session and i decided to get through this on my own.I never went to any therapist again and today i say..i made the right decisions and even if i fail i will take responsibility if i am the wrong doer but if not i speak up and do not let myself gaslit in bs.

[@terriduda6792]

@@kitsmith693 Luckily more people are speaking out and recognizing emotional abuse and complex trauma. Scapegoating is an insidious form of abuse because it leaves no visible bruises and survivors gaslight themselves.

[@warrenbradford2597]

Three myths to never believe in as the family scapegoat: 1. Toxic siblings have a mind of their own (think independently). 2. Time heals all wounds (sibling relationships will settle down and be okay). 3. Once the parents are deceased, relationship with toxic siblings will improve (siblings will be enlightened of the evils of their bullying). I got to remember to ignore these myths when dropping my self-serving, family-enabling sister. She let herself be a covert narcissist like our toxic mother.

[@mm669]

My adult siblings became very reasonable, supportive and easy to communicate with when my mom showed signs of Alzheimers disease. So much so, that I agreed to be the one to move in with mom to extend the amount of time she could be independent. The siblings and spouses all showed up to help me move into the house. I had great assurances and warm hugs that this would be very hard but they would all be there for support. I was so happy to finally feel the love of my siblings. But, I had a strange feeling in my gut when I saw them leave that day. I'd rarely seen my sisters so happy. One high fived the other. A few weeks later, we had the first family meeting. I was told it was to help sort out who would do what in respect to mom's care. What a kick in the gut. As usual, I was left speechless and floundering with the extent of the gaslighting when I was told that caring for mom full time, 24/7, seven days a week was no big deal. They might be there to help but only if absolutely convenient for them. This left the door open for cruel game playing and abuse later. They united in the gaslighting. It took me six years of ever escalating boundary busting and isolation to finally wake up. In the end, I gave a month's notice that I would no longer be full time caregiver doormat. To which I was treated to more gaslighting that family helps family, and I don't help the family. Six years meant nothing to them. It's been three years since I went very minimum contact. I still get lost in rumination of the dystopia of the two different realities. The way they see themselves as victims of the mean sister who quit, and me, who is still trying to figure out what the heck happened. And, it's extra hurtful to see that they are capable of being nice and loving. I guess they get more of a high out of being bullies. It's all I can figure. Anyway, listen closely to the advice in this video.

[@Whoever68]

Your story is so close to mine. After I married, I stayed home to look after my mum, had kids and continued looking after her. My siblings were normally too busy to help to give me respite from being our mother’s carer. One was always unavailable and the other would help if I asked. I was made to feel guilty in asking for help or just a few hours for us to do something as a family with little kids. After our brother died and they got the lions share of the estate, one sister stopped communicating with me. Have since realised where I sit with the other and now have no communication other that birthday, Xmas and new year texts. I need to protect my own mental and emotional well being.

[@BlueMosaic5]

They used your empathetic kindness & love for your family of origin. Sending ((hugs)) & strength for your healing

[@mm669]

I let the situation go on for a long time. I kept making excuses for them. I kept thinking I need to forgive and forget. Sometimes they would throw me little crumbs of kindness like that $25 dollar gift card at Christmas. Looking back, I didn't want to face the fact that I was not loved by them. I was there to be used and the more I gave, the more they were entitled too. It's a sick game. The experience profoundly changed me. If you find yourself growing bitter, please do your best to get out. You don't deserve to be left with bitterness. It's something they would delight in to see you so unhappy. @NM-mc4rj

[@marlenaeva3813]

They brainwashed you to believe you're the mean sister who quit caring for her mother. It's infuriating to me to read this because that's what my brothers would do. They used you and took advantage of your kindness. I hope you'll have the strength to go no contact with these people.

[@molelekengtsiane3466]

They used you, they're not nice, they were pretending because they wanted something from you which they got. When people show you who they are believe them. I'm so sorry they did this to you

[@kristinanne6534]

These words are so true. There is no hope in these situations. I know I've spent my entire life trying to prove to my family that I'm not what they think I am. But no more. I'm going to be healthy and not look back. It's a sad and devastating reality, but that doesn't make it untrue. Thanks for the support you're giving us with these videos.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you. Yes, they enjoy the never ending dance of us endlessly trying to prove ourselves to them- the goalposts will always move. it's an un-winable game.

[@PhilLesh69]

In sixth grade I asked my father to help me with my math homework. Before we could get through the first equation he got angry at me because, as a left handed person, my pinky knuckle always smeared whatever I had just written, making it harder to erase. He started yelling at me about how I was bad at writing or using a pencil or something ridiculous and unrelated to my math homework, then stormed out of the kitchen, leaving me to feel broken, incompetent, invalid, shameful and confused. That wasn't an isolated incident, either. I had to get a fourth grader to teach me how to ride a bike in third grade because when my father tried to teach me he got angry after a few minutes, yelled at me and stormed away. Same with throwing a football, or using tools, or anything. He always turned everything into an argument, declaring it to be yet more proof of my abject and innate failure and my destiny of forever being a loser. Nice times, great memories! Lol.

[@kristinanne6534]

@@PhilLesh69 Wouldn't it have been more honest if they just told us they didn't care if we learned these things and were too selfish with their time to spend any real time on us? Then we wouldn't have had to deal with all the shaming and self blame we took from those times.

[@Aurora-Rose01]

Unfortunately, trying to prove to family that you didn't deserve abuse doesn't serve their agenda. Because that would make them bullies and narcissists think they can do no wrong. It serves them to keep you in the role they've assigned for you. Prayer helps :)

[@kristinanne6534]

@@Aurora-Rose01 Yes, they can never admit that you weren't the problem. It's a waste of time to try and prove your worth, but honestly I think I was trying to prove my worth to myself. Now I don't need to do that because I know my worth. Talk about freeing!!! Thanks for your reply!

[@steevo8754]

The whole dynamic ramped up after my Mom passed a couple years ago. Exclusion from the family get-togethers was so painful. They are all adults so the abuse went under the surface. Made me think I was imagining things and going insane- now I know it was gaslighting. I moved 3 states away and have very little contact- when I do have any contact I ruminate for days sometimes weeks. Considering going completely no-contact

[@1timbarrett]

You will know when to step away. Once the membership fees get too high.

[@terriduda6792]

Unfortunately, we can't grow and heal unless we give ourselves the space. Ongoing contact just keeps toxic hope going.

[@leahflower9924]

Holy crap I have dreams about that happening to my family when one or both of my parents pass

[@barbsmart7373]

@@leahflower9924 Gee. That is interesting. I have gained extraordinary wisdom and guidance from some of my dreams. I very rarely remember dreaming and wish I could.

[@engleharddinglefester4285]

@@leahflower9924 It didn't happen for me. Nothing changes, the abuse continues. I've been no contact for 8-9 years now. There is such a thing as toxic hope.

[@donna6348]

OMG!!! I wish I would have heard this years ago it would have saved me so much grief. Had to stop this several times. Overcome with emotion. Truth hits hard.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I like the idea of going back to the old-time description of narcissists; morally insane.

[@oppressednolonger1497]

indeed!!!

[@teresafraser3049]

After my Narc Mom passed my sibling expected me to take on the Matriarcle roll !! They were extremely angry when I cut it all off! Haven't spoken to them in 8 years saved my life!

[@lorgabluc]

I heard that from my older brother when my mom passed. He was laughing … I turned my back in response. Since then I do not care what’s going on behind my back. What they say about me and so on … my parents disinherited me anyway. Left all to my brothers. It’s probably a gift after all.

[@llwpeaches]

Wow. I'm stuck in a similar situation now. My mother is a covert narcissist. I'm the scapegoat daughter and I got suckered into stopping work, moving into her house, and taking care of her as she slowly dies from complications of Lewy Body Dementia. My older, abusive brother, who is the golden child, and has a severe case of Peter Pan syndrome, has never left his mommy his entire life. She did everything for him, so he's still extremely immature and entitled despite being nearly 50 yrs old. He utilizes weaponized incompetence and strategic ignorance to manipulate me into doing nearly 100% of the work and responsibilities around the house and caring for our mom. I think he honestly believes this set-up will continue after she's gone and I'll fully support him as he carries on with his life of minimal responsibility and no accountability. But he's in for a rude awakening. I already made my plans known for moving far away and minimizing contact. He probably thinks I'm either bluffing or he'll find a way to sabotage my goals. If he thinks our dad, or anyone else, is suddenly going to take care of him, he's in for a rude awakening there too. He's not going to make it on his own and it's like watching a slow-motion train wreck that hasn't happened yet, but you know it's coming.

[@JM-rm7qd]

I haven't had contact with my siblings over 25 years. I still have an innate desire to have a positive relationship with them. Hearing you expertly dispell these hopes of reintegration as myths leaves me numb.

[@Trollophile]

When my mother passed away, the sh*t really hit the fan. My siblings really showed how evil individuals can be. They took my share of the estate and refused to help me after having a psychotic break - telling the hospital to release me to a homeless shelter (hundreds of miles away from my home) on discharge. 😪

[@Trollophile]

@Kathryn Price - Author Speaker & Mentor Yes, but it was also an eye-opening verification of truth (which I suspected but had been gaslighted into denial about). Now I know reality, can trust myself and have the opportunity to grieve & heal from the abuse no one would allow me to address. 😉

[@Trollophile]

@Kathryn Price - Author Speaker & Mentor Thank you for hearing me! 🙏

[@paul2019monte]

Same here. The evil came out when my mother died. Of course it had always been there but I was in denial. My siblings abandoned me

[@Trollophile]

@@paul2019monte - God Bless You! 🙏

[@Trollophile]

@@paul2019monte - We are so much better off without their torment and abuse, however. When they try to get in touch with you to "suck you back in" (and they will) - even if it's about a family death - run like hell and hide. You have earned and deserve a helluva lot better! 👏

[@dnk4559]

This has truly been my experience. I’m working on coming to terms with accepting the nature of the relationship with my siblings. Now that our Narc Dad has passed I see that they want to continue the abuse.

[@carolyngartner6865]

You described my situation exactly. After my narcissistic mother died I had hope that my sisters and I would finally have a relationship with each other. It was very difficult to finally accept that it would never happen.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

It’s heartbreaking 😓

[@phoenixrising1305]

Yes it is. Very much so. 😰 I am so glad to have found a place you’re on KZbin that where people understand. That means EVERYTHING. 🙏❤️💪

[@phoenixrising1305]

* here on KZbin (I meant!)

[@rosemarieramsingh8749]

Great content Mary. Sometimes when the scapegoat emotionally grows up and sets boundaries including removing themselves-the farce of the dysfunctional circus of a family being close blows itself up.

[@kenzo9644]

Dear Mary, I would not allow any of my family to have any future contact of any kind with me. When I went no-contact 4 yrs. ago, that is where I placed my boundry . Cheers from down under.

[@1timbarrett]

I’m finding that boundaries themselves are contentious. Best wishes for maintaining your firewall...!🤞🏼

[@Vercanya]

I had lost the hope toward my sister - she had already shown I couldn't trust her. But I had that hope for the longest time toward my mom, who I had thought was "the good one" of the family. Then I realized that my mom has untreated BPD, and she had neglected and parentified me when I wasn't being scapegoated by her. The deep grief this put me through was rough, but it was worth it. I was finally free to let go of my family.

[@clint120]

Great advice here. I no longer believe that my blood relatives will ever be a caring family. No need to make the effort.

[@2missteri]

If time travel was a possibility; I’d send this video to my younger self, if only I had heard this before,… my expectations would not have been as high on a “normal” relationship after the death of parent. I find myself morning the hope of what could have been. Did not expect it to be this difficult. Thanks for your video’s.

[@1timbarrett]

What a good idea. I’m gonna send that letter, today, to some of my younger selves...!

[@leahflower9924]

Exactly 👏

[@barbsmart7373]

Going through and recovering from the trauma including both parents' early deaths, has been possibly the deepest and most frightening thing I have been through.

[@barbsmart7373]

It is 6 years since one of the biggest outcomes of the War that was waged. I just want to say that all that hell affected me deeply for 2 or 3 years. It was still on my mind a lot after that. But the last 2 years have been good. Life is too short to be affected by lovelessness. We can create love and inspire others. We have to pick up the pieces and create the best, strongest, most loving thing we can manage, being very very creative and focused. We have seen the face of pure evil. We have lived entangled by it so we know all its components: Fear. Denial Deceit Envy Greed Selfishness Ganging up Manipulation Secrecy Pretense Hatred Theft Judgement And all those other things that shocked us to the core. But from those destructive actions we can pin point their opposites. Those are where we are now needing to focus on, inside ourselves, being real, suthehentic and loving ourselves first. With our adjustment to our new life we can ascend spiritually and face our next challenges with strength and focus.

[@leahflower9924]

@@Thequietestquiet2875 maybe mentally see it happening and imagine it someone on KZbin recommended for no contact people to have a funeral for the whole family even though they aren't physically dead for me I think I need a funeral for myself so I can be a phoenix rising from the ashes lol

[@SHAKE320]

This lady is the very best to describe the relationships with my so called 'family' Almost as she knows what I've lived thru She is the most relateable Thank you Ms Mary

[@nikstar1313]

I wasn’t aware that I was the FSG unfortunately until I was 44. I’m 47 now and have a fantastic therapist. Im so thankful to Mary for her amazingly informative ebook which literally gave me the puzzle pieces to understand what a scapegoat was and how societal patriarchy has contributed to intergenerational trauma. I kept fighting to try and change their perception of me..I used to go to visit my brother in a different state (1hr flight) around once every few years. We would get to 3 days EVERY single time without fail and I would be on a plane back home with my brother calling me to ‘apologise’ and me ignoring his calls for about a month afterwards as I did not know how to communicate effectively with boundaries or with any of this knowledge and as he is a narcissist I would be gaslighted. I didn’t knowledge was one either... I would never be able to address any of our issues as he would gaslight me perfectly. I don’t even know why I went! The first 2 days were always always full of love bombing and future faking and then day 3 would arrive and out of the blue I would be packing my stuff, crying and on the phone to the airline changing my flight and forfeiting money just to get to safety. My body would scream. It was déjà vu and so frustrating as I would be of course blamed for ‘ruining the holiday!’ ..I always kept booking for a week (not realising the pattern at the time) but it played itself out every single time, without fail over 2 and a half decades. I stopped visiting altogether 2 years ago and am in no contact. 3rd xmas no contact ❤

[@matilda4406]

yeah, I only found out in my forties too. Learned so much. Everything fell into place

[@Hephzibah-eq9kr]

Same I was 45 been almost 3 years just now starting to heal

[@elizabethgolden5675]

Spot on! This was a HUGE revelation for me with my 4 older sibs. When my mother died it was devastating how mean and cruel they were. When my 3rd oldest sister died 10 yrs later it was even WORSE!! Nothing was gonna change this horrible narc dynamic. I've been NC for 7+ yrs from the remaining 3 of them. No one got into therapy, no one takes responsibility, there is chronic smear campaigns and gang up on me from them and the next generations and it's been so painful and lonely. I struggle some days with the up and downs of grieving and working through the trauma and betrayal bonds. Always so appreciative of your work and voice Mary Toolan. Thank you!

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thanks Elizabeth. Yes, it is truly horrific 😥

[@waywardmd]

❤

[@MANDYLOLA1]

As ever completely spot on! You just described my disgusting upbringing. Vile

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yes, horrific. thank you very much for the compliment Amanda

[@oppressednolonger1497]

ditto. And thanks Mary.

[@hilarydavis257]

I watched your videos for the first time yesterday. I want to thank you for putting my confusion into perspective, when after the death of our family matriarch I travelled alone from Hong Kong to the UK. I was ostracized, bullied and treated with contempt by the whole family. They tried to chase me away. I have now been able to put my abusive childhood into perspective, and am in the process of accepting my complete and permanent detachment from them. Thank you so much

[@1timbarrett]

Look around you in Hong Kong. What Mary describes as dysfunctional in Occidental families, seems to me the norm in many Asian families.

[@Vic-Meow]

So sorry for you Hillary. I hope it's better now, a year later.

[@amberinthemist7912]

So glad you are talking about sibling abuse. My mother is a narc but she was only half of the story. My older sister has tried to destroy my life. It's unexplainable how bad she is. My mom has Alzheimers and is nearing the end of her life. I know her death will be an issue because my dad will mostly likely go after her because he's 10 years younger and I care about his feelings. I have no desire for a relationship with my sister ever again. Once my parents are both gone it will be a relief and I won't ever think about that horrible woman again. I only hope she doesn't steal my portion of the inheritance.

[@keithstewart7514]

I'm blessed fully to be no contact with my demonic FAMILY & my true INHERTANCE trust fund is with GOD safe in Heaven 🎉

[@Vic-Meow]

Sorry to hear of your situation with your mother and sister. Do you have an update? I understand about the sister thing. I thought my sister and I were tight-- until at my age of 53, she turned on me. She has done so much to try to destroy me and eliminate me from extended family. Thankfully I have one other sister. Our third sister died of cancer in 2019 and that set off an avalanche of dysfunction, starting with her diagnosis in 2017. I am sorry for anyone going through this and affected by these EVIL selfish people.

[@amberinthemist7912]

@@Vic-Meow yeah actually my parents moved back to where my dad is from and they are very happy. He has his extended family to help him with my mom. My sister lost her mind over the move because narcs can't have anyone around them happy and it really opened my dad's eyes to my sister. She got really abusive to him like never before and he put his money in a trust with outside executive so I won't have to deal with her trying to screw me over while I grieve in the future. I hope she gets therapy some day but it won't matter to me because I am free of her. I am prepared that she will use the opportunity of our parents passing to lash out at me but hopefully that will be a while from now. And in the meantime my parents are enjoying their later years surrounded by family away from my sister's abuse and stealing. And at least I she won't be able to try to fight me for money.

[@Vic-Meow]

@@amberinthemist7912 thanks for the update and wow, it sounds like your outcome is turning out better than could be expected! I'm glad for you. I hope you're enjoying pockets of peace away from the effects of a disturbed family member.

[@laitteabiscuit4512]

From what I've experienced after the death of the parent, other siblings will get really defensive about the them and will talk about them like they were angels. How dare the scapegoat speak ill of the dead!

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yes. They’re very invested in their denial

[@1timbarrett]

Do siblings sugarcoat the truth because, perhaps, they want to believe they come from Good People. Is it maybe a form of denial?

[@matilda4406]

haha the Bible speaks ill of the dead, so we can too.

[@AmyO-oj7rr]

This is off topic but I have to say, as a fellow former scapegoat I love the happiness you exude! There really is happiness and peace to be had once you escape this very unhealthy situation. I have been no contact for a very long time and I am thankful every day. I would say it’s very important to be able to separate your true characteristics (the real you) from those these individuals have assigned to you. Take some time to know who you truly are and sever those negative voices in your head that lie to you about who you are.

[@graciehart1001]

Loved this, this is just my story the evil was amped up when our mother passed And I was treated with disgust by all who attended the funeral. At 14 I was booted out and left in a caravan park to fend for my self sink or swim was my dads motto I guess. At 19 I left as soon as I could and went over seas for six years got married. I must have missed the control my family had over me so I joined a cult. I raced back home asap with two kids in tow and a husband not a believer, to share my new beliefs and hope for this world I thought it would help us become a family because look I’m a good girl now 😔I love the place I am in now, I grieve I heal and help others to heal through art. It took me a very long time to get here I needed to learn a lot and I did. I have 4 kids 3 are still in the cult I’m pretty much the blame for all that went wrong. My sister slept with my husband and that was that for my family it got shattered to pieces, and I’m the one getting shunned from family and cult. My family and cult members all sided with my husband they brain washed him. My sister and mother got together and made a packed to not tell me, Husband caved with a conscience after he to ended up joining the cult and told me. I confronted family not in cult and the abuse got worse my sister was so abusive to my mother and controlled her my mother just handed herself over to her every whim right or wrong. I couldn’t reach her thru my sisters lies truly crazy. I’m free from the mind control and cult tactics of family and religion I’m free to be me at 60 I’m picking up the pieces of my shattered family And we are all healing together as I slowly dispel the lies cult members feed my kids it’s working slowly. I wish my sister all the best she got what she wanted and I hope she to can heal. I’m use to being beaten down I know how to get up 💗Thankyou for sharing you have put a very large piece of my puzzle together again. Thanks for reading to the end just me putting my puzzle back together much love and much peace to all 🫶🏼✌🏼

[@stroudkelly6868]

Thankyou so very much 💖 💝💖 I needed to accept that there is no hope of change . I am a religious person and have been at times been practicing toxic positivity. When people show you who they are believe them. 💯 Hoping they will change and hanging out letting them abuse you is not required.

[@wevebeenpunked4992]

I have 6 older siblings. Can’t help but wonder what the family dynamic was before I was born

[@julietwilliams7326]

My mother died a few years ago & my abusive sibling & I managed that pretty well. But then my father died and left my brother as successor trustee. He has manipulated that entire process, along with a loan he made to me, to extract nearly all my portion of what was supposed to be divided between us equally. This has been going on for 2 years and he is still coming after me for more money. I don’t know how to make him stop. It's been incredibly painful. He is the only family I have left, and he is doing this.

[@phoenixd9679]

I am going true exact this period after our mother died three months ago, my sister golden child got worse actually she is showing her true self learned from our mother! Thank you for the subject’s at best time for me 🙏💜💕🙏

[@1timbarrett]

My poor Golden Sister has been rumbled so many times now, I actually feel sorry for her.😮😢😘

[@BingoMomi]

I was the scapegoat in an alcoholic abusive family. My brother was the angry narcissist. There was never peace. I used to think how wonderful it would be to live by myself in the mountains. I remember having to write a report for career day in school. While everyone read their report about being doctors and scientists, I wrote about wanting to be a hermit. The teacher told me that that was not a career.😢

[@basilrose]

I feel as though you're speaking directly to my situation. Deepest of thanks and blessings to you Dr. Toolan ❤❤❤

[@4597-1]

Exactly! My mother just died and my narc siblings are now worse than my narc mother!!

[@Jannietime1]

Really helpful thank you. Mom never protected me, not from Dad and not from siblings. I appreciate you so much. My parents modeled the abusive behaviour towards me and my siblings learned it from them. So interesting to see this.

[@maryannecomment3302]

You are absolutely right about the three big myths. In my situation I actually knew who my parents and siblings were and what their role was in the family, but other people always came up with these myths. It is like they live in an other reality, they just do not understand. My sister in law asked me many times why I can not just talk things over and solve the conflict. She finds it hard to believe that this does not work. My ex husband always thought if I just would put them in their place, the problems would be solved. He never believed me when I said that this would not work because my father would support my sister. People say all the time: ´Why are you so judgemental? Time heals all the wounds.´ I try to explain that it is not about the past, but about the present. They want to reinforce the family dynamics!´ In my situation the contact with my siblings and mother improved after my father died. When years later my mother also died, the opposite happened. After all the arrangements involving her death, I did not feel connected with my siblings anymore. I have a good contact with my brother, but I need to correct him al the time, when he does not realize that the dynamics from our family actually hurt me. I am always explaining.

[@PaperclipProphets]

This is such truth! Sadly, I know this from first hand experience & it’s heartbreaking 💔 My prayers for anyone who has gone through this horrible heartache. Know that you are loved by the Almighty Creator & the Lord hears your prayers if you diligently seek Him ✝️🙏

[@robindorrell9347]

Mary, you are communicating such important and needed information! It would be great if you could get a mic that picks up your voice better. It's pretty hard to hear you even with the volume turned all the way up. This kind of wise insight and observation is long overdue.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thanks so much Robin for your feedback. ah yes, the first few videos - the audio was a bit low but got it sorted now for the next videos.

[@richardstambaugh744]

Spot on again. I remember the bloody battles with my siblings. 5 and 6 years older than me.

[@matilda4406]

I'm so sorry. I hope you find happiness

[@margiedavis6921]

Nearly 20 years ago, my 2 sisters kicked me out of the family. I sent them each a Christmas card the first year noting that they seemed to have some problem with me and that if they wished to talk they could always reach out to me but that otherwise I was not going to overlook their behavior (as I had always done previously). No response. Recently, I had reason to need to know where our father was, so I called the sister closest in age to me (I guess she'd be the Lost Child) and found out what I needed. She acted as if no time had gone by and certainly didn't ask how I'd been in the intervening years. To my surprise, she has continued calling me and I must admit it has been educational, as she has parts of stories that I also have part of. However. However. She also lies quite a bit, pretending to know far more than she could possibly know. Last night she insisted that she knew some detail because I had called and told her about it. I said, "No, there's no way I called you because we weren't speaking during that time." She gave a little giggle and said, "Are you quite sure about that?" I could see she was trying to gaslight me. My father (he's 93) has no relationship with any of us, even his Golden Child and in fact, most of our lives he has never even told anybody that he has 4 children. My sister has often commented on how "sick" that is. Yet she herself has no relationship with her children and certainly never tells anyone about her (4) children. The disfunction continues like a slow poison. She has adopted one of her grandchildren, after putting another grandchild into foster care because this second child "needs to be the only kid in the home." Not sure if I believed the 3 myths you mentioned when I got back in contact with my sister but it sure seems obvious now that nothing is going to come of this. She can talk for hours about our dad, and yet never show any interest in me. A difficult and painful situation, yet on I go because really, what else can I do? Thank you, Miss Mary, for your insights and your compassion.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thanks Margie

[@JerseyLynne]

It is so very hard to go through. With my family I came to the conclusion that I don't like people like that. I don't want to spend time with them up any way. It's crazy isn't it. It's so easy to be happy. What they are doing is exhausting.

[@wordivore]

@@JerseyLynne Easy to be happy? I disagree.

[@1timbarrett]

I love the way you use a remaining family member, in a good way, as a memory prompt. I’m gonna try that. Thank you🙏❣️❣️

[@user-kz3gk1tp7z]

I'm 41 and I wish I realized earlier. Although deep inside me in my body there was something I could feel it was wrong they made me think I was the bad or the crazy person to the point I still feel guilty or think Im crazy... probably for the rest of my life or for long time...

[@Lyrielonwind]

Alice Miller wrote books about trauma.

[@user-kz3gk1tp7z]

@@Lyrielonwind thank you❤

[@libertycan6959]

Thank you. Life Long journey and the deaths just start another chapter. Sad

[@libertycan6959]

@Kathryn Price - Author Speaker & Mentor 🙏🏼

[@yourpetyourway]

Great video. I was the scapegoat on my mom's side of the family and on my dad's side too. We're now in financial litigation over my grandfather's estate. My plan is to write a couple of books.

[@PatyTheWitch]

Thank you, Mary. I found you today on youtube, watched already many of your videos, you are a very kind woman and your words are full of wisdom, listening to you is helping me 🙏 Thank you for sharing, I am following here and on facebook too 💛

[@1timbarrett]

Mary, it sounds like you yourself have been through the wringer. Good on you for transcending your own suffering to help others. 👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽👍🏽

[@monklingtoneverjet2536]

Being alone with myself is infinitely better than the crippling loneliness I feel with siblings, who treat me like I'm invisible, not important etc. today I realised with much sadness, my siblings are also unable to 'really' connect, even with themselves, which adds to overall misery we carry around due to a very typical cold upbringing (not violent physically, but psychologically) and who is going to believe that, it seems you have to be violently traumatised to get any notice, I'm talking micro traumas which build up into awful damage which I beat myself up for feeling

[@sandi5276]

i love that you name them straight away. thank you

[@kimberlybush2219]

I agree with you 100 percent Mary, because when a sibling or siblings side with abusive parents, it is a betrayal and when somebody betrays you, you can never fully trust them again. Besides that, they have shown their true colors and where their loyalty lies. I know from personal experience. You are so correct.

[@realitywinner7582]

they'll be on systems energy and we know what 'that's' like ! well done anyone who's slipped the net 🙂.

[@1timbarrett]

‘Systems energy’ is a great phrase; please may I borrow that from time to time?👍🏽

[@realitywinner7582]

thanks Timandanna..we're doing ok if we've gotten away from 'that!'.God Bless.

[@corporaterobotslave400]

Ime the sibling rivalry is created by the parents; it's the children mirroring the existing conflict between the parents. The kids don't consciously realize what they are doing. I behaved like my narcissist father and my sisters behaved like my codependent mother when we were children, but as I grew up I recognized the evil inherent in my father's bullying behaviors, so I quit. I became a codependent instead. But I didn't realize that until I had been thru several bad relationships with women and band members and even a divorce I initiated. I wish I had channels like this when I was young; I even had a psych degree with counseling experience but still couldn't see the narc / codep pattern because nobody in my psych classes covered it. Thank God for youtube.

[@1timbarrett]

A school vice principal (may he rest in peace) once pointed out to me that every bully has himself (or herself) been the victim of bullying, probably at home, by grown-ups who are big and strong and scary!😢

[@matilda4406]

@@1timbarrett Parents are always the first ones to start bullying. If all parents stopped bullying, the problem would be gone.

[@junerm21]

The golden children become the money keepers of the parents' money when the parents pass on and they engage in inheritance theft, stealing the scapegoats' inheritances.

[@BlueMosaic5]

I no longer need their tribe. I’m now focusing on my own self made tribe. They’ve tried to turn my tribe against me, but MY tribe sees EXACTLY what they are. I’ve heard my deceased parents evil words come out of my siblings mouths. I recognized it immediately. My self made tribe is based in unconditional love

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Brilliant Fifi. I can hear the strength in your share. 👏

[@ppll7020]

🎉 I can relate. My soul family Is so loving.

[@samme1024]

Thank you for explaining this so clearly. It's helpful to have this information moving forward. I'm the scapegoat and am going no contact.

[@therealdeal3672]

Recently found you and subscribed today. Appreciate your content. This was very good information and very thought-provoking and well-thought-out. Appreciate your contribution to this particular trauma space, so to speak. And you're so right about the similarity between a narcissistic family that scapegoats and a cult. And the brainwashing that gets into the siblings. Both parents are gone and I have been no contact with the 4 surviving siblings for about 11 years. There was absolutely zero way otherwise. Had to do it. Best choice I ever made.🎉

[@marlenaeva3813]

Thank you for this, dear Mary. It is very painful to finally accept the fact that your siblings will never change because they are the products of your parents' brainwashing. It took me so long to finally get this. I've watched countless videos about this and talked about my brothers in support groups. They are who they are and it is not my fault.

[@julialednicky7542]

Explained so well. Thank you, Mary, for your wisdom and for shining a light on this so we can understand the dynamics! Super helpful!❤

[@nedargiordano7018]

Replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts

[@mariacliment2767]

I had never ever seen a channel like yours which describes so well everythibg with all details. Thank you. For the first time in 53 YEARS first time I have ever thought I was not crazy and all the madness they had made us endure....Crazy and tremendously sad. I just need to know....just by being aware of this and go no contact is enough?? Do I need anythibg to heal from all the psycological abuse in my brain?? I admit my nervous system is altered and zero confidence and self esteem. Do you recomend anything? I am tired of therapies which fo nothibg or make me feel I am stupid because I am not getting better. Thanks🥰🙏

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you Maria. I recommend my online group (monthly membership) - you'll receive a ton of help, clarity, healing and support there. link in description or go to www.marytoolan.com/scr-membership

[@esmaraldaceciliarose]

Hey. In addition to therapy, you might want to try this. I listen to it every night and it is very helpful in my healing journey. kzbin.info/www/bejne/h5S7k6aqh5V2q9E

[@nilaja-itsmylife]

This right here. My sisters identity is supported by being the golden child. What is she, if not better by parental comparison to me? So she’s got an ego buy-in to keeping me the scapegoat. Letting go of sis, means letting go of nephew. Extremely sad 😢… But 1000% necessary for my healing. She plays the perfect role to everyone. Always on the fence. Always the intermediary. And never to be trusted. I truly have no idea who she really is. Except that deception is indicated. Thanks for sharing all of this ❤️✨

[@1timbarrett]

Sounds like you have some gnarly economics to work through. Best wishes with your journey... and please share any travel tips!🙏

[@salsatapatio]

My mother was the greatest ally. She was so loving and supportive. My oldest sisters were horrid. Two of which are now deceased and I regret not having been able to confront them. The third sister I do not communicate with for over 5 years now.

[@1timbarrett]

I wonder whether the death of either Ugly Stepsister (it’s a metaphor, ok? ) brought any relief. 😮🤔😘

[@Vic-Meow]

How can such a loving mother have such horrid children?

[@michaelsager5688]

These videos bring so much to the discussion around narcissism and especially scapegoating. When I listen I feel as if I am back there reliving it! Your explanation and insights have my eyes opening wider each time. It was bullying, it was cruel, it was insane. I was conditioned to believe their behavior was BECAUSE of who I am and not who they are. My brother was the golden child. At some point in our early twenties I couldn't find my brother any longer. He seemed to bounce back and forth acting like one parent or the other. I don't have any hope he will have a "coming to Jesus" moment when both parents have passed. It's remarkable to me to see how ingrained this conditioning is! I recreate the scapegoat role everywhere I go. I either find others like my family or I behave in ways that encourage others to isolate, abuse and discard me. I have had this pervasive pattern of seemingly always being the one left out. The one who is disregarded and is basically the odd man out no matter the situation. Now I can see why. I do this to myself or pick those that will. Grateful to see it and to be shedding this horrible role forced onto me.

[@ruthycantfail]

Best of luck. Its a horrible thing to go through but at least we know now in whose court the problem lies

[@joanjenny2555]

In my case along with horrendous trauma they also felt it was acceptable to the cult to declare me dead and even have a ceremony. Peace to the World.

[@ruthycantfail]

That's batshit crazy, very happy you got away from the maniacs!

[@coffeegirl6854]

This is so right on. Thank you. It took many many years to identify this. Though I knew something was very off. A younger sibling who had pulled away from everything with family first. She was able to really make me aware. The older sibling and our mother...crud. scapegoat here. Me. The older sibling smear campaigned me to my daughter my grands and then every single family member in my life...spread that toy spiritual family as well wiped out the most important things to me....her own kids her grand daughter joined in. This did indeed happen. It is as if she had gotten them all to knife me in the heart all at once. May God rebuke them. Thank you for addressing specifically the life of the scapegoat. It really has been quite a nightmare.😢

[@wordivore]

I just found your channel last night and I'm really getting a lot out of what you're saying. I'm a family scapegoat myself and have been NC with siblings since 2013 after my father passed. I also went NC with my NM at that time as well, not even realizing she was so narcissistic. I just knew she played part in the bullying/mobbing that took place against me once my father became terminally ill. I think she may even be sociopathic (non-violient, although the means seems to justify the ends as far as she's concerned). She and I are low contact and I don't/won't see her face to face. On the technical side: I want to ask you, could you maybe turn your volume up on your mic for your videos? I don't know if anyone else has this issue, but for me, when I listen to your videos I need to turn the volume pretty high up so when the ad comes on, it blasts through.

[@Lyrielonwind]

Same here.

[@1timbarrett]

Yes to the volume suggestion. Many listeners find a gentle voice soothing, as do I. But out of respect for Mary, I’d like to hear what she is saying.

[@matilda4406]

yes, please, please turn your volume up

[@keithstewart7514]

Yes, RAISE SOUND VOLUME PLZ!

[@RochelleRosenbledt]

Recently been dealing with my family system after a couple years no contact. I really appreciate your content. It was a really helpful reminder to assist in me self-validating vs. taking on the gaslighting & projections. Thank you! 🙏

[@Missdovanova]

Never felt more understood 😢😢 thanks for all what you do ♥️

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

My parents labelled my golden child brother ''logical'' and ''rational'' so therefore, his enmeshed and supposedly independent view that I hurt mum (by telling her that she hurt me 😕) proves I'm mad. I should just behave. The support of the logical rational child demonising the emotional sensitive paranoid child ''proves'' that they're all right and I'm the problem.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

urgh, it's so tricky. sorry you experienced this.

[@1timbarrett]

Any time someone wants to valorise the logical and the rational, go read 17th century English poetry. There IS some superb material there, but most of it is ossified rubbish.

[@heatherwentz]

Thank you I really needed this one today.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

When they grow up, they can and should think independently. Also, the abuse is OBVIOUS. You have to make an actual effort to ignore it. Literally anybody over the age of three should know better.

[@Feline-friend007]

It took me twenty odd years, to gradually conclude that my Norwegian family (on my mothers side), were indfferent to my wellbeing, did not genuinely care for me, and that i had spent 20 years in a foreign country, alone.

[@artmeacademywiththesaltyse9537]

I’m just waking up to how much my father trained my oldest sister/little brother to be his wicked mouthpiece and manipulator. Their abuse to me was brutal then and has scars to this day. I now avoid their children as they play the toxic game too, with time tested targeting of me. The last note is I’ve comfortably gone no contact with my mother, she saw it all and gave into deep gossip sessions and money dumps instead of action. She jumped into her career and built a Mausoleum to her ego and pride. Getting out and being authentic finally feels right. Thank you for this content.

[@kellystubbe9142]

Thank you for this ☺️

[@keithstewart7514]

You can call me by my Blessed Name... I'm GOAT, THAT ESCAPED, THANK YOU LORD!

[@zenildedecarvalho1218]

I m from parentification family model . My sister took over family direction. I was under her command and psicológicas abuse and financial demands since I was 13. I hear videos saying about life purpose. I cry. What purpose a child imprisoned by deprivation and psychological abuses (like I had ) could find in life. ? For me impacted in everything for I have lived disoriented

[@juliebrickley2562]

They're not gonna change, even Now!

[@JerseyLynne]

Thank you

[@junerm21]

You're good. Thank you, Mary.

[@matilda4406]

Wow! Thanks for the heads up... let me digest that now

[@y.c.8632]

Mary, thank you for content. Please consider doing a video on the issues around death. I’m NC with one parent and his advanced age has me thinking a lot about his death. Do I go the funeral? What if he reaches out beforehand and needs closure? Few understand how much anxiety and stress this causes people like us.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thanks for the suggestion. Yes, I can certainly do a video on this topic. I can share some details of when I went NC the male parent got ill and subsequently died. There was chaos. I remained NC and didn’t attend the funeral. Zero regrets. “What if he reaches out beforehand and needs closure?” I’d start journaling on that. Perhaps the Q is more - what do YOU need? & what do you want? What did you need as a child? And make a list of all the ways they hurt you as a child [child abuse] and the impact on you.

[@realitywinner7582]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery The LIght of Heaven to you Mary. Thankfully same here ,avoided the wonderful energy funerals.God Bless🙂

[@1timbarrett]

A Death Special (actually, no, i am not joking) would be so helpful.😊

[@CarolMcCooke]

You are so right , the pain and problems don’t disappear on parents death.my parents death were more relief than grief. But I am still working through the difficulties that has blighted my life for decades. I am in my seventies. With three narcisstic siblings who can neither relate or maintain a relationship. Carol N.I.

[@Kimllg88]

thanks. Extremely helpful.

[@hilltopvt]

One of my sisters is a 'low-level' covert narcissist, and she was shocked and alarmed when I went no contact with my family (and my husband's) for the second and final time. I think she thought once you were a scapegoat, you had to serve as one forever. I know she knows her behavior is painful, because as soon as I asserted myself made it very clear we don't need to get together if she can't be kind, she starting behaving well. A little attitude would leak through, but she is on best behavior. I think my nephew and her husband bear the brunt of her behavior now. I feel so sad for my nephew, but he is extremely bright and I try to validate that her behavior is wrong, and show him a healthier way.

[@cynthiaestrada8318]

I was heavily bullied by my siblings. My parents were busy with their careers. They were nice. But my sister and brother would gang up on me. We must name the pain.: sibling abuse.

[@junerm21]

Also, the golden child, who is sometimes the parentified sister, becomes an oppressor or dominatrix, attempting to control and domineer the scapegoat. Furthermore, there may be two scapegoats and two golden children or more. The golden children oppress and domineer the scapegoats.

[@_ross5800]

Thank you thank you!!!

[@BeccaNiederkrom1]

As an adoptee, I am confused by the "family of origin"

[@princesinha1680]

Is it possible for a parent to 'unintentionally' scapegoat a child? I realized recently that I'm the scapegoat in my family, but neither of my parents are narcs. Most of the bullying I've endured comes from my narc sister and her enablers. But I have a highly-codependent mother, who indulged my sister when we were younger, and simultaneously neglected me. When I've confronted my mother in the past, she always claims she didn't mean to neglect me. But sometimes I wonder. Anyone have a similar experience or insight on this type of family dynamic?

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

i know what you mean.... I'd answer by saying - it would be very rare for the parent who scapegoats / bullies/ tortures their child to take responsibility for their actions and the impact of their actions on another human being. Secondly, if I were you I'd be interested to understand who trained up your sister to be a bully? When she was bullying you when you were a minor, why did the adults not intervene to protect you? Hope that helps. It's all highly highly complex so take your time with it all. I also have a video on 'proof your parents know they're abusing you' which might be of interest to you.

[@princesinha1680]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery Thanks so much for the reply. For a little more background, I'm one of 8, and although neither of my parents abused us, they themselves had a tumultuous relationship, & my mom I think just wasn't mentally & emotionally equipped to raise all of us, especially w/ my dad often out of the home for work and church responsibilities. So I (and maybe a few others) didn't always get the attention I needed. And discipline from my mom was sporadic.

[@princesinha1680]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery I watched the video you suggested, and I can honestly say my situation is very different. My father may have some narcissistic traits, but he's not a full-blown narc, and I've always had a better relationship w/ him than my mother. He doted on me when I was little (I'm the first-born daughter). But my mother comes from a family with a history of dysfunction & mental illness, & she was an emotionally-distant (stunted), unaffectionate mother that I never really bonded with. All that to say that I think there are situations, due to generational trauma, where scapegoating can be a less-conscious phenomenon. My struggle has been on how to still hold my mother accountable. Especially when the rest of my siblings--especially my narc sister--put our mother on a pedestal. While my flaws, or supposed shortcomings, are constantly pointed out, my mother's are overlooked. My mother can do no wrong, while I can do no right. My saintly, easily-manipulated, codependent mother is of course adored by my narc sister, while I'm villified because I happen to have my own mind & don't let myself be manipulated or taken advantage of as much.

[@infplife1637]

@@princesinha1680 Your mother pulls the strings behind the scenes. You are not seeing her accurately. You seem very committed to the idea that your mother is not conscious of the way she treated you. Why? Your mother didn't give you the emotional nurturing you needed, that's why you didn't bond. She makes no attempt to defend you from your sister's abuse. The rest of the siblings put your mother on a pedestal because they know that they will be villified if they don't. You say that you don't know how to hold your mother accountable. But if you truly believed that she is "unconscious" then there would be nothing to hold her accountable for, would there? You don't really believe it but you're scared to let the fantasy go. Good luck, I wish you healing!

[@princesinha1680]

@@infplife1637 I appreciate the reply, but you're making unsubstantiated assumptions. I think I have a pretty accurate view of my own mother. My mother lives in ignorant bliss about my sister's true nature & abusive behavior toward me. Because I have not said anything to her about it. Nor to anyone in my family. As of now they are all fooled by my sister, because of how she charms & manipulates them. It's my sister that villifies people, under the guise of 'fake concern.' Not my mother. My mother is a highly codependent, docile enabler. She is put on a pedestal, not because she is feared, but because of how 'self-sacrificing' she is.

[@louielove78]

I can't thank u enough 😢

[@vannesagannon4555]

100 percent this is so difficult to lision to ❤️❤️❤️

[@kitsmith693]

I think my mother doesn’t like females, she collects inadequate males. I am the scapegoat in a Male family of golden boys & an enabling Dad who is fearful of reprisals if he dares to say no or disagree. It’s pathetic

[@phoenixrising1305]

TOTALLY relate. Helps to know there’s someone out there who understands how impossible and destructive this dynamic is to live with. And yes, it is TRULY PATHETIC. Very often thought that of my own father when he was alive and I witnessed and his enabling behavior..I lost SO much respect for him, as a result.

[@cathycalrow9111]

It was the same in my family.

[@1timbarrett]

If you have not already read Dave Pelzer’s ‘A Child Called “It”’, I think you might enjoy that...?😮🤔😘

[@CarolMcCooke]

This is so unbelievable true including the wider family. I always maintain it was like getting on a bus with Ho bus driver Carol

[@Ladybirdtaj]

Same, I was completely oblivious of what was going on, but then I finally realised I was being scapegoated & mobbed on every family gathering they would always let me know that I was the different one & my siblings would go out of their way to leave me out or indirectly humiliate or passive aggressively put me down.... siblings who recruited other family members & and sisters in law's to completely ignore me & i would wonder why or what i had done for this treatment ‼️Im so glad im nothing like them, i can't bare the thought of treating anyone like the way they did to me 💔

[@bethelshiloh]

In some ways I felt that way. I just know that I’m 74 and while I am in touch with all of my sibs, I’m only close with 3 out of the 6. I don’t care to have a relationship with 3 of them. Fortunately, we all live hundreds of miles from each other, and I don’t have to mess with it.

[@CarolMcCooke]

It gets worse after parents death. The sins of the forefathers will envisage on through the generations. My parents death was more relief than grief. Nothing changed after their death Carol

[@lindab6974]

So true!

[@sirrantsalott]

Things got worse for sure after my enabling codependent father passed away. My covert narcissist mother is still alive, who is at the source of the family abuse. It was pretty clear to me that the siblings had their own agendas and are playing themselves to each other. It is so sickening. Quoting my brother ‘it is good to be an ally to sister A’ and I knew then he was playing the inheritance game to ensure that the siblings like A and the rest will be the victims of inheritance theft. To be honest I played the game too until I saw just how FAKE I’d have to be. So fake as fake as being fake to coworkers you simply ‘tolerate’ and knowing they will get ‘fired’ (disinherited) anyway. The brother i mentioned here is a blood-brother whereas sister A and the rest are half-siblings. Naturally there was a loyalty to our mother’s theft because it would mean we would get more (mother has had us sign documents without knowledge of the other siblings). When I accepted that this isn’t really me, I called them out and now the half-siblings are loving it because they think they’ll get more from the pot whereas they have NO clue of the number of people my mother has promised to give away as well OUTSIDE the family. Anyway what really hurts is that there are people who need the money now and rightly so following our father’s death. We had agreed (as the remaining children of the only living spouse) that we would disburse funds following dad’s death and it would still mean mother would walk away a millionaire. But apparently that conversation didn’t happen despite there are 5 witnesses to this conversation 😂 wtf seriously? I’m laughing now because of its absurdity BUT when she denied this truth, it was very traumatic especially when I have 1 homeless brother who is dependent on the kindness of others for living accommodations, 4 siblings about to go into retirement one of who has a special needs child who just turned 30, and one sibling who has nothing to little saved up. Thea other issue is that she claims there is no will when no one believes this and neither do I as when the same 5 witnesses I mentioned have seen the document showing the exact amounts to dole out after father’s death.

[@1timbarrett]

I have learned the hard way that squabbles over money are never worth it. My enemies might remark that it’s easy for me to say, but o well i say it anyway.... 😂 🏃‍♂️ 💰 (that’s my iconic way of saying “Laughing all the way to the bank.”)

[@Ladybirdtaj]

One thing i don't understand is how could siblings treat you like the scapegoat - yes they've been brainwashed to hate the scapegoat by the parent but personally i would not have the heart to do this to my own family member.... i realise its the parents fault & maybe the siblings are benefitting from treating you like this ‼️

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Yes they’re benefiting. “Bully or BE bullied.”

[@Ladybirdtaj]

@scapegoatchildrecovery I must be the different one.... my siblings always found something to nitpick about me & almost every conversation turned into an argument or a reason to undermine me. If I didn't give in them, they would emotionally blackmail me.... e.g, say I can't see my niece or nephews anymore or that they would all disown me - one blatantly said to me in an argument that all my other brother's & sisters will side with her.... even though she's wrong... because they all hate me!! That was a massive wake-up call for me.... as I realised she said it in anger but then immediately realised she gave their game away at the same time!!! That's how i found out that we're all in it together - mobbing me. Before this, I kept thinking, why are they all always full of contempt towards me 😢😔 I'm glad I realised their game before it was too late for me ❤️‍🩹

[@ElleSeven-l3q]

There's no/little/less 'splashback' from the carnage when you are far away, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Sorry for the graphic nature of the comment but that's how I feel! #spatter-free