Can a Relationship Work with an Avoidant Partner?

People who have avoidant or unavailable tendencies in relationships often have childhoods of neglect and abandonment. Signs of an avoidant partner include commitment phobia, lack of enthusiasm in the relationship, emphasis on independence over closeness, suspicion of others' motives, mixed messages, secrecy, fear of being dependent, and difficulty discussing emotions. This video shares some tips if you're in a relationship with someone who has avoidant tendencies.
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
Download PDF activities from my site for more help!
www.maryjorapini.com/reaction...
Visit my website:
www.maryjorapini.com
Follow me on social media:
Twitter: / maryjorapini
Facebook: / maryjorapini
Tumblr: / maryjorapini
Instagram: / maryjorapini

[@Regina.Clarke]

This is what I needed to hear in this way. I think I’m officially done, so I can fully move on. I feel for extreme avoidants, but they have to have accountability. For those doing the work, you’re amazing! We all have pasts, we just need to be willing to self reflect and do the work. Sending love to those working through this. Heed her words. I’m an FA. I can be avoidant, but I do the work as I see areas of opportunities. I can’t say I’m secure just yet, but my regulation is much better. I’m a better communicator. I’m better and creating healthy boundaries. Bad boundaries meant a need to isolate at some point. Be well folks! Subscribe to her and other therapists. I like the ones with empathy but still able to give reality.

[@Ashbyee]

It’s been almost 22 years, I asked my mom, my friends, anyone that would listen: can you teach someone to care about you or your children????? Someone that can have a conversation, someone that can show up when you are in the throws of a serious illness? Infertility? Can you teach them IT IS NORMAL TO SHOW UP AND CARE? You cannot. While they are great providers, because they can be GIANT workaholics, they are horrible life partners. They are not partners. They are even worse parents. My adult children are so damaged by the hot and cold, distant painful non existent relationship. Get ready for a life of blame shifting and gaslighting and full out lying. I felt so sorry for him when we were dating…. so much so he gave me std (he knew he had and didn’t tell me) that I FELT SORRY FOR HIM BEING AO EMBARRASSED. He told me: I told you, just too late. I married him. Look at yourself and why you would even consider dating one of these much less marry one. Bottom line have a better relationship with yourself first and foremost.

[@ChauniB]

Mine kept me at arms length - things began pretty normal and I felt secure. 6 months in Sex diminished, weird boundaries, alcoholism, workaholic, couldn’t verbally express feelings, had an emotional affair with a female friend, refused therapy, abandoned me emotionally and physically. It’s difficult to distinguish these types with someone who has narcissistic traits - after almost two years I was so anxious by the end but never received any empathy or closure

[@sukiarts]

I was very intrigued by his stand off-ish behavior that I thought he seemed very unique and cute. But after getting to know him for 3 months I realized how little he cared about doing things together. He would choose his work and friends over me all the time, get annoyed when I wondered why he was being distant with me and then breaking up. I think deep down just wanted to understand him more and assure him that it's ok to have flaws as long as you work on them. He gave me lots of anxiety and I even wondered if I had anxious attachment, but I was actually secure since I could express my needs and communicate with people when I was in bad mood.

[@SaystheTruth3]

I hear ya.... The "available" guys have been thrown away by women that have tried with them & realize that they are meant to be thrown back in the dumpster because of their mental problems...

[@amyv.7018]

Extraordinarily well put. I've followed this topic in many places, but heard it differently the way you said it. The lights are coming on.

[@MaryJoRapini]

Yeah 👏

[@MarroktheWarrior]

I'm involved with someone who i think qualifies. We have been together almost a year and I love her very much. We are both in counseling separately and I guess at some point we will have to do couples counseling because i do love this woman and want a life together.

[@jessicajackson1200]

Smh ive learned the hard way not to tolerate an avoidant.

[@Back2basicethiek689]

No ...

[@rrico4445]

Well I have been with my person for 4 years. I have invited him to go to therapy with me and he told me no. He completely shut down and said he just doesn’t care about going to therapy. I think he will open up to it. What is your opinion?

[@Regina.Clarke]

If a person is unwilling to do the work now, how will it be later? Like she said, make counseling a condition. If therapy is a no, then is your person willing to do an on demand course with you, workbooks, read books, seek counsel from those in healthy long term relationships, etc. Also consider doing the work by yourself in the interim while you decide. One or many things could happen, 1) your positive changes will rub off based on you having better relationships skills …or 2) you decide you stayed too long for other reasons and this person no longer can have your time. Don’t take your person’s actions personally, but really take yourself into consideration first. Your needs matter. You can become avoidant over time as you stay without change. 4 years can easily become 10. Would you be happy at year 10 of nothing changed. Best wishes!

[@rrico4445]

Thank you I believe my positive and how much I worked on myself I will by Bob and he will confirm into a better version and so will I. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I do believe he has come a long way he has added me to the deed to his home and help me with my daughter. I do have some past trauma, and a codependency I need to work on and I think once I get past that and become a secure positive competent person, which I think I’ve come pretty far I think everything will work out