‌Can a Separation Save Your Marriage? | Part 2

[@Brandirell]

I love the question of “what’s the vision for separation?” I think it has to start there to have an understanding of what both parties are working towards. Thank you for this insight.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Glad you found it helpful, thanks for your feedback

[@harvestblades]

As a husband that is reaping the consequences of "behaving badly" for 25 tears & seeing the damage that has accumulated and altered my wife. Some really good info here, but as I said in part 1 to this series your Core material would be amazing but not financially possible for us at this point, but Leslie Vernick has two books that bothe the abusive spouse/ problem spouse & as well as the victim.shoukd read preferably before you have the conversation about separating. One book is The Emotionally Drstructive Marriage & How to Acr Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong. Two very helpful books if you are willing to work on saving your marriage.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your feedback! You may also find this resource helpful, it touches on some of the things that we go more in-depth in The Core: www.marriagerecoverycenter.com/media/Getting-to-the-Core.pdf

[@Movementsforchange]

@@drdavidbhawkinsthank you.

[@yamidgonzalez6984]

My experience with separation was awful. My husband had a mistress and now they are having a baby. I was willing to forgive his adulterous behavior as he was participating in online chats to satisfy his sexual addiction. He cross the line and honestly he doesn’t care. He was in counseling in your center and that didn’t stop him. He lied to everybody with no remorse. He is always ashamed we he is caught. This situation is heart breaking and very difficult. What do you do in this situation?!!

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for sharing and sorry to hear what you are going through. A separation is meant to be a time for each individual to work on themselves, if a person has no desire to change, there is little that can be done. That said, we encourage everyone to focus on what THEY can do to change their own situation rather than focusing so much on changing their partner's behaviors. Here's a video by Sharmen where she explains what she means by this: kzbin.info/www/bejne/hWG0kHykbtN-gas

[@EssaryMichele]

What if you suspect he has BPD? Is that manageable in some way?

[@ladyesther]

But if either one can not be honest, I don't think growth can be made. You can't do the work for your spouse nor can you be honest for them. There should be caveats to this video bc some marriages just can not be saved due to the emotional abuse and betrayals and it would be cruel to put the burden of that on the other spouse. In my opinion, (though not always) but most of the time the woman, wife bends over backwards to make things work and is encouraged to do so maybe especially by the church. But maybe the thing to do is to say, I'm not going to take this anymore. I am a person with dignity and respect and I am not going to allow you to treat me this way. So many blame themselves. Carry the burden of "making it work" upon their shoulders.

[@annemorency3317]

It’s impossible to fix someone who doesn’t think he needs fixing. I also do not believe someone’s moral values, their core should be challenged. When a genuine Christian is married to an unbeliever and that unbelieving spouse tries to censor and silence the Christian spouse, I don’t think there’s hope for that marriage. Marriage counseling will NOT work for a controlling, prideful and impatient, easily angered husband whose goal is for his wife to be conformed into the image of himself but the Christian wife desires to be conformed into the image of her LORD and Savior, Jesus Christ . I would like your feedback if possible. Thank you Unless that unbelieving spouse has a Damascus Road experience.

[@drdavidbhawkins]

Thanks for your comment. We agree on many points - it is not possible to force change on someone, they must desire change. Secondly, marriage counseling often does not work unless the deeply embedded thinking errors and distorted views are addressed within the individual. Individuals need healing before the relationship can be healed.

[@annemorency3317]

@@drdavidbhawkins Thank you for your feedback.

[@julianchristie891]

How can it be the abused sides fault? I’m married to narcissistic serial cheater. & I love him…. That’s an attachment disorder. I’m his 4th wife. Multiple affairs before me. 4 during my time. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Do not place this on my tired shoulders. At all. I have been told I’m silly, I’m crazy… I’m not any of those things. I’m currently separated after he went for a gun, when confronted with another affair. That’s not my fault!

[@elgoenglish]

It was never your fault. I hope you are still separated

[@ladyesther]

It's not your fault. Be safe. Sometimes watching videos like this we may feel a lot of shame and blame. I think bc they do not know the specific details of everyones situation. I know it's hard. I'm sorry.

[@DJH97]

Oh please. Not wanting to work? I worked Mt but off for 30 years. Put up with so much crap. Begged for decades for us to get counseling. Pride and arrogance were more important for him.

[@madisonevans8275]

This.

[@escottn]

Lets be honest. A seperation IS a step towards divorce. It makes it easier so someone doesn't have to deal with the reality of what divorce truly is. In my life, I've never seen a marriage survive seperation. It starts a "new" way or dynamic in the relationship that is not healthy. It is an acceptable way of doing things now. I have never witnessed any marriage survive seperation, because the individual has checked out and divorce is now easier and an option.