Can People Change?

We're often in a position of deeply hoping that someone on whom we depend might change: become (perhaps) less defensive or less angry, kinder or more thoughtful... A lot of our energy can be spent trying to prompt them to evolve. But can people in fact ever change? And how come we've ended up in a position of wanting them to change so badly?
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FURTHER READING
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“‘Can people change?’ The question may sound somewhat abstract and disinterested, as if one were asking for a friend or for the universe, but it is likely to be a good deal more personally - and painfully - motivated than that.
We ask, typically and acutely, when we’re in a relationship with someone who is inflicting a great deal of pain on us: someone who is refusing to open their hearts or can never stop lying, someone who is aggressive or detached, someone who is harming themselves or managing to devastate us. We ask too because the one immediately obvious response to frustration isn’t in this case open to us: we’re not able to simply get up and go, we are too emotionally or practically invested to give up, something roots us to the spot. And so, with the example of one troublesome human in mind, we start to wonder outwards about human nature in general, what it might be made of and how malleable it could turn out to be...”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
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[@theschooloflifetv]

Do you think people can or should change? Let us know in the comments below and be sure to turn on notifications to ensure you don't miss our next film.

[@aminedif4608]

It is hard in the same environment, it's easier when you go to a new one.

[@dfferentpoint]

can you make an episode about why man should cry or why crying is ok plz i need to know

[@lalboimanlun1230]

People can change. We only need to think a little about ourself, not others.

[@shahid3520]

People don't change, it is better to leave the door that doesn't open ! Changing environment can help but only temporarily.

[@nisaandrews]

people can change. and they should if they hope to have healthy connections to other people. awareness is the foundation for change.

[@peppymia]

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." Jacob M. Braude

[@suriyamclean9440]

Very wise words 😊

[@hussainattarwala2011]

What bs

[@chaikristinjournals]

Very true. However I myself am open to change, I can look forward to having personal projects about myself to work on... even though I am aware that realities can sometimes be hard to swallow and that change can be unpleasant and uncomfortable at times, I am open to it and am willing to change myself if I feel there is a need to... I am aware that not a lot of people feel the same way though

[@SOSO_2043]

I think people change all the time...how deep and how drastic, that’s the only question.

[@ciggytwiggy]

So so true

[@kawaiipieceofshit8965]

I was a pretty shitty person for a while, but didn't really realise how shitty, even when people would point it out I still thought I was right and they were wrong, until I met my current best friend. Somehow over time I learnt to be a better person, she never really pointed out the things that were wrong with me, she just wouldn't mirror it, as people usually do. I don't know if it makes sense, but when you're a prick to someone people are usually pricks back. But she wasn't. She was just kind and considerate but whenever she didn't want to do something she'd bluntly say so but she wouldn't mention that I'm being a prick. Eventually I realised the things that were wrong with me from seeing how my behaviour was so different from hers. And now I feel I'm a lot more considerate of other people's feelings. I've changed thankfully.

[@icekiwi7736]

Kawaii Piece of Shit this warmed my heart, that’s a friend to keep for sure

[@auliaaliyev4759]

You have a good friend. Cherish her

[@casual_cooper]

Have you told her this? Sharing our gratitude for another person is one of the best feelings (for them AND for you)! Write her a letter and read it to her face to face

[@Flutterlike]

I once had a friend, he just told me "why even bother to be a good person?"

[@PamelaNam]

You are clearly worth it. Your friend was able to see it in you. You make a fine couple, but don't push your luck!

[@oqba]

"We see the world with our thoughts not with our eyes."

[@cyber7544]

We are not our thoughts

[@johnjones.3427]

Perspective, understanding & attitude is how we work out what we see

[@Thank-u-so-much-for-everything]

Mind see (not brain) the world with it's thoughts not with our eyes now this statement is correct that is wrong one👍

[@irfan87548754]

Wow true!

[@SuzanaValenca]

"What broken part of us can't leave" is such a powerful question

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

Indeed.

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

@@OP-xi1hv I flagged you for harassment. Cut out this crap, or you will rapidly find yourself removed from KZbin.

[@ogunmolaisrael1398]

I almost cried on hearing that line

[@victoriale2792]

gets ya thinking fr

[@Kenji-117]

The worst pain is when you fall in love with a imagination of someone or are still in love with the memory of someone and then realising what the real person look like.

[@jonsnow6852]

Something like that can break you in 1000 pieces. Never did feel such a pain. You can't think clear anymore. You start to question everything.

[@doggiedock]

I was in love with the image I had

[@reemthehomosapien537]

@@jonsnow6852 i am slowly learning about how we as humans change because i have been in a relationship where we both love eachother but he wasn’t that committed, he didn’t cheat, he was merely absent when things got difficult, it hasn’t been a lot of time since we got separated and we still love eachother, we think we will meet again and end up together but again, as much as i want to believe it however such a promise requires commitment, so until he learns to be committed to his promises and the relationship, i will remain distant and “do me” a far, but I can’t keep myself from asking do i need to do anything? Like is there anything i can do to make it work? I feel very weird because i have never been passive or chose to be the one who does nothing I thought I’d write my thoughts to a stranger just to let it out because I don’t have anyone to talk to for i find it hard to trust my friends or anyone again ahah If you read my comment i’d love to hear your opinion I hope you all find unconditional and consistent love❤️

[@mariozucchero6167]

I realized this in New Year's Event, it's orrible,it's really hard,I do not hope for anyone to feel something like this,and I wish for you the better

[@marvelmaximus7151]

@@beatrizdebia I agree that we can't change people if they dont want to, sometimes its even hard when theyre open to it. Sometimes its just beyond our control. But we can change ourselves, I find it no less difficult and challenging, but we can manage our expectations of them, and not let them drive our life so much. I try at least.

[@ryuli1]

this channel seems really good at telling people to end their relationships.

[@syedumairumar6453]

The bad ones

[@impulse034]

It's helping people end bad relationships and that is a good thing

[@OP-xi1hv]

@@impulse034 every relationship has bad points.

[@chunnofnewyork]

That might just be what it's telling you.

[@sigourneywilliamson2050]

OP Yes there are, but there are so many patterns of behaviour within our society which result in people not looking after their relationships correctly and we should all be committed to understanding our own selves and how we can recognise red flags and break these cycles in life.

[@duchi882]

*I personally have witnessed people change for the better* including myself, its the things that we learn from and how we learn them is what changes us Time is an important aspect of it as well, one cannot simply change within a day, it takes time for people to change.

[@creatorchris712]

I totaly agree with you.We have done giant steps both me and my parents towards becoming and adapting better.

[@Je.rone_]

Agreed change is possible,

[@mirunapopescu]

People can change, but what about the person waiting for them to change and getting hurt by their trials and errors?

[@kripa2982]

You give me hope

[@swisschocolate2350]

Same to me

[@shoulders-of-giants]

My circumstances can change, I can change, but I can't change others.

[@laurap8910]

Bang on!!

[@kjamison5951]

There comes a point in your life when change is impossible unless there has been a plethora of support. Right now, I could have $1 million, a nice house, a family that actually support me and be on the verge of a new relationship… and I would still rather be dead because I have been told repeatedly over many decades that I haven’t achieved anything. I got good grades in elementary school, did okay in high school, got to college and I have worked since I was 16 years old. I own a house, a car and I don’t have outstanding money concerns. I have no self worth despite all these things because I was told and I continue to be told that I’ll never amount to anything. In trying to get away from this source of toxic abuse, I have sought the help and support of professionals who tell me the problem isn’t with me, it’s with the person who puts me down. But they won’t change because it wouldn’t be in their interests for me to be happy or even content. And since they won’t change, they don’t want me to change.

[@Ikaros23]

Great poem

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

People can change, the question is: are they open for it? My father is a cold, closed-off person. The type who will not hug, does not want to know what I thinks or go through, does not want to spend time with me and will never, ever say "I love you", even though he knows the words would mean everything to me. Needless to say, my relationship with him was superficial, like a tree where the roots never went deep into the ground. Then the storm came, of great problems in his and my life. And our relationship did not survive. I tried to get him to open up, to let me in. But he was like a massive wall, without a door. I spent years trying to find a way in. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. I failed. I know he comes from a cold family. I remember his mother. She was hard. She had something bitter, lonely over her in the last years of her life. But I was a child, so it is hard to say exactly what was going on. I walked away from my father. It was the hardest decision of my life. And it took me much time to make and do this decision, it was a process. It was the right decision. Can people change? Yes. But only if they are open for it. That is my experience.

[@benjaminvanhusen1753]

You tried and tried it and you emancipated and it seems you are able to feel and give love! This is great! So have a wonderful live with those who give you open and selfless love! ☀️

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

@@benjaminvanhusen1753 Thank you Benjamin!

[@SaintBirdie]

💗

[@markdayto]

Never thought someone would share the same stories as I do, but somehow it's my mom who's got her doors closed. Ever since she overly acted onto some tricky situations my father's parents and siblings had in between, she tried to manipulate him to sever whatever contact they had on his, leaving him contempt and apathetic to forget he ever had parents who raised him until he bears the fervent joys of living. Somehow I think she should've stayed on the other side of the road. I tried to talk it out one time but she's fairly acting impersonal to not notice I barely am initiating some lucid conversation. I'm trying my best but it seems she avoids getting things out of hand (aka being vulnerable) so she returns it by lashing out on my issues coz she probably thinks I MIGHT feel humiliated in the hopes I would not do it ever again. Slowly, I realized I was too busy letting my doors open for others yet they don't open theirs. I'm slowly getting cold, parched, and sequestered here yet no one cared to even let me in, not even her.

[@zil2937]

my thoughts, from our pov if we see people are changing gradually as you know them, it means that as your friendship goes deeper, you'll learn about her character fully. it's not because they are influenced by other people negativity (example getting wilder n wilder), but they originally were like that, it's just they haven't met the right circle or maybe because back then they didn't have any freedom to do that (live w/ parents maybe). and people who change to the better, it means that they are open to criticism and advice. they put themselve to other people feet, thinking how is it to be treated like that? that's why they gradually change into a better person.

[@marinanoto6172]

"People don't change, they just reveal themselves" . I don't remember who said that, but I think it's true.

[@IceCreamMan1909]

Perhaps if we look hard enough we might be able to intentionally reveal parts of ourselves that make us a better version of who we are and thus seemingly change...

[@quadeevans6484]

But that means we have infinite personalities we can "reveal at a moment's notice

[@LeonVerhulst]

Perfect

[@MagicHjalti]

Some better Themself

[@iincisif8599]

nop

[@rukaiya2585]

"maybe they break down late at night and admit they have a problem but by morning, vehemently deny anything could be amiss" thanks for calling me out here

[@user-gy7bg1rv6o]

Because we want to believe in unconditional love. Their inability to meet our needs, doesn’t make them a bad person or undeserving of love. Sometimes we want to be that person who holds space for that broken soul. Sometimes we find ourselves in that person who is willingly there for the broken. I am glad to state this school of life.

[@yemen-rz9jm]

I liked your comments. I gave thumps up whenever I see an Arabic name. It is very satsfying.

[@user-gy7bg1rv6o]

yemen2018 Thank you! 🌷🌷

[@ramanmonkey]

As the broken one that is nice to hear. This video makes it feel like the broken ones have to fend for themselves until they are fully healed before anyone should get close to them.

[@juliettegivelas]

I would first like to make mention to the fact that I'm not sure the word "change" is appropriate, I personally feel "personal evolution" or "growth" is more fitting. Change is inevitable - we grow old and wither - but evolution can be stagnant. I think we all have the ability to evolve personally, but we have to find inner strength and courage to do that. Many people live their whole lives not feeling they are strong enough to take on their demons and remain in the same place, whilst others are able to find their strength and evolve. This is where I feel therapy is the most important tool - it helps us find our strength. We tend to underestimate how strong and able we are in our darkest moments. As always I loved this video, thank you for the constant insight.

[@PtolemyXVII]

Juliette Guzzo I agree, but one cannot change One's fundamental personality. A con man liar will always be a con man liar looking for his next victims. He can use the excuse of his poor childhood to attain sympathy but that is his particular skill in duping people. Personal growth and evolution occurs when people undergo a transformative process motivated by the self.

[@juliettegivelas]

@@PtolemyXVII I see what you're saying, I also think what you are referring to reflects a nature versus nurture type debate to whether it's deemed "too late" for someone to change or grow. I agree that this transformation needs to be internally motivated in order for it to bring about the most success and happiness for a person, but whether or not they choose to embark on that journey is unknown. Whether that be due to an individuals nature/personality - like you mentioned - or their environment or both is unclear sometimes. You raise valid points and I find it super interesting to think about and engage in dialogue with, thanks for your perspective!

[@PtolemyXVII]

Juliette Guzzo people have a fixed personality at 8 years old. After that point, one can't change One's fundamental personality. Behaviours can be modified, but violent criminals and serial killers after age 18 can't be reformed without altering brain chemistry. A conman liar won't change because he is probably rewarded for his behaviours by duping the people around him and there will always be and endless supply of similarly minded women to be his willing accomplices. Like attracts like. In the past, I have briefly attempted to reform a guy with a criminal past and it wasn't worth it. They only end up trying to exploit the well meaning people who try to help them. That is why smart women don't end up in relationships with exploitative men, unless they themselves are also exploitative.

[@juliettegivelas]

@@PtolemyXVII I'm not sure I really believe personality is fixed I think parts of it remain stable and other parts more malleable in time, but it would be something I would be interested in reading more on in terms of personality psychological studies.

[@PtolemyXVII]

Juliette Guzzo people's personalities are fixed at 8 years old, that's why it's important to spend a lot of time with children in the beginning of their development. What children experience in the first decade of their life will remain unchanged but determines who they will be for the rest of their lives. Brains certainly have neuroplasticity, and certain behaviours can be modified but the core personality is fixed and cannot change after the first decade.

[@alazarabebe3414]

Incredibly, extraordinarily, halfway-creepily relevant to my life this very moment

[@sherryberry007]

Hahah, I felt the exact same why. Very strange to get this today!

[@troycarpenter3675]

Yeah, hmmm. Like when intuition is yelling and yet you seemingly only hear a whisper.

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

That is so often the case with these videos, right? All the best!

[@kaleadean3953]

I always say that when I watch these but THIS one is the one I meant it the most! Holy fucking shit!

[@pch2230]

People certainly can change, but they have to be the ones to make that decision. Unfortunately you can waste a huge amount of emotional energy trying to get them to do it.

[@KarishmaKulkarni5]

This helped me get out of a painful and toxic relationship pattern. I watched it several times in the last few months and finally walked out of a failing relationship this week. Grateful to have watched this in time. I realized, yes, people can change. I changed because I learned to protect myself and to put my needs first.

[@medievaltrap7285]

Same was for me but i was the toxic one im working on myself to be a better person and maybe get that person back as a better version of myself

[@osse1n]

Personality is not static and we evolve, change all the time. That being said, some transformations may take time or something drastic has to happen in order to change a belief system.

[@lavaniadelrey2807]

O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me i need my belief system to change. its not aligned with who I am as a person

[@user-gy7bg1rv6o]

Love this Personality is not static!

[@osse1n]

@@lavaniadelrey2807 You are aware of it and that's a big step

[@krishnaobrien3394]

Many say that personality can change a lot but not temperament. What exactly is the difference?

[@wiktorprzykladowski5566]

@@krishnaobrien3394 Personality develops throughout your life whereas temperament is mostly genetic. However temperament is very basic set of psychic traits to make someone likable or not in my opinion.

[@sebastianelytron8450]

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but now I have changed ... I'm not in middle school anymore.

[@Olando89]

Sebastian Elytron Funny shit.

[@diahndrapanganiban6340]

This is a serious topic. I was not supposed to laugh. but I did. hehe.

[@Olando89]

Diahndra Panganiban I had been said it was funny shit and I was right!

[@seguir4827]

I think these kids who call you u**y was jealous of you, now they changed :-)

[@brendacaldwell1398]

Sebastian Elytron but it still works on you everyday , I know this , ruined my life ,

[@ccgarciab]

When I first formulated this question I wasn't thinking about a partner, but about myself. I eventually refined the question to ask "can we control the direction of our change, by will?" It might seem easy for people that have directed their growth all their lives. But finding that after so much time being out of control, that I can do it, fills me with hope.

[@gogozipray]

It took me years to even want to try to change. Not simply being out of control but not knowing that it was something that I wanted. I started down a path around 4 or 5 years ago now, and knowing how much closer I am to the person I want to be has changed my life. We dont know each others, or have the means to do so, but be proud of what youve done or where youre going. You're not just changing yourself to a set of values, but youre trying to be the best you can, and its admirable. Its not something everyone does.

[@DylanandPeia]

Someone around us cannot change and yet we changed eventually.

[@nadinemanfredi]

Yes people can change but maybe the person that needs to change is yourself. Expecting those around you change to make you feel more comfortable can be limiting.

[@abrahampalmer1153]

Indeed

[@jonathanl9069]

Indeed

[@buzzybeepopman2009]

I agree always focus on trying to change yourself and not others

[@billkalivas9750]

Several times in my life I've looked into the mirror and didn't like what I saw. 32 years ago I started on the path of 12 step recovery. It's hard and take a lot of time. The rest of my life. It's turning out better than I could have imagined.

[@TheScarletBoi]

I can say from personal experience, wanting to change is something that is hard. I ended up regretting many things and I still want to change but usually people would only look at my negative points and judge me on it. It's important to have people be supportive or at least understand the change that someone wants, but when people continue to use it in a negative way, it makes things much harder

[@teodoranasz3531]

I love how this is called "can people change" suggesting that it'll explain how to help (make?) others get rid of their issues but then it shifts the perspective and encourages empathy. the world needs more of this

[@evez2093]

People definitely can change, I am a living proof! Life is a continuous adaptation and learning process. I think the key to change is awareness and an inner desire to change. You first need to become aware that there’s a certain trait or behaviour that is undesirable, and paired with your own desire to improve, efforts will follow along and change will occur. Supportive and open environment can be extremely helpful. There could be a lot of shame to even open up that can of worms, and that could put a lot of resistance onto that path. You need to be able to feel safe and not attacked when you explore and become aware your flaws. To have someone who sees you at where you are and is okay with it, and watching you through the entire process without blame and shaming, that is a huge blessing.

[@ourochroma]

Who many Psychologists do you need to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb needs to be the one who wants to change.

[@kaleadean3953]

HOW many

[@AqierDesigns]

😂😂😂

[@EmptyHeadHeavyFoot]

How many theoretical physicists do you need to change a lightbulb ? One, he will just rotate the room around the bulb 😂

[@soseikiharagatatsu7859]

Anyone can change a lightbulb

[@xk3260]

Ur pfp is amazing oriana garrido

[@LifeVersity]

Not only can we change but we are required to change at some point. at some point in everyone's life we realize in order for our life to get better we have to change. our life doesn't get better by chance - it gets better by change

[@ghengisbobber]

One of my professors taught us that these maladaptive behaviors and schemas continue because at some point they worked for that individual. The conditions that led to them may no longer exist, and whatever they are doing may not work for those around them. Excellent point that what we are seeing is often a symptom of an underlying trauma. People can change and it is possible to assist them, but we cannot force change on them without straying from therapy into oppression. Support your local therapists, our student loans are many!

[@parisashahabi5067]

why does the school of life always have eerily perfect timing

[@vicholtreman1405]

Because Google knows your every move online, sites you visit, other videos you watch, etc.

[@clearlynotchloe2714]

Vic Holtreman - That’s Google, not The School of Life. The video was RELEASED in perfect time, not recommended, meaning the timing is on The School of Life’s part.

[@vicholtreman1405]

@@clearlynotchloe2714 Um... "Because *Google* knows your every move online"

[@mulllhausen]

confirmation bias ;)

[@zayxen9346]

When life changes people change with it. Stages in life make us react differently from teen years to adulthood

[@mindibear]

People generally don’t change on their own. They might improve a little but very rarely do they do a 180. A selfish person will still be selfish, just a little less so.

[@scorpionx1503]

agree.

[@SaintBirdie]

I have changed I appreciate normal, consistency, regular, good enough, calm boring, beige, ordinariness in life and relationships so much. The stable "flavours" in life are the heartbeat the bones the muscle ... The appreciation I feel for every good ordinary human just doing their uncomplicated best is immense.

[@stevec404]

"Doors bolted shut". Opening those doors was painful, after a lifetime of fearing them...yet I am glad to have lived through that awful pain. Facing the truth of ones fears is the only way to become fearless. I would add to your excellent advice: cut the cord of connection as you see fit...with dignity and compassion. A kind word, upon exit, may be a life preserver for one expecting nothing. Save the heavy bricks for your own new path.

[@nomesa7374]

Expecting others to change is like having a farm to take care of, but, sadly, caring about the neighboring farm. People can change (if "they" want). But they "should not" change because of us.

[@Ontariokelley]

DAS u country ass hell worried about milking my cow 🐮 and you got your own

[@nomesa7374]

@@Ontariokelley heh! Funny!

[@georgiana1754]

I think it depends a lot on the situation. Sometimes people really want to change but the task is so huge and tedious compared to the potential rewards that the only way they can get around to doing it is with someone's help. I have assisted people with such goals in the past and I also had my partners support me through quitting smoking or facing my fears. However, I think the key is, as you pointed out, whether or not they want to change. They must want that change for themselves, not because it is imposed upon them but because they are convinced that habit or feature is no longer serving them. A lot of the times their entire life is centered around certain habits or character flaws. Change requires a lot of effort, sometimes the entire reordering of their lives. Of course the drive has match the difficulty of the task. But I am absolutely convinced people can change and evolve. We grow a bit less malleable with age but we are still very susceptible to influence and capable of many things we are not even aware of. We constantly grow. I am a living example of that and it gives me hope.

[@TheWhisperCooks]

The school of life should be the school we all deserve to go to And with their contents they are serving the humanity a profound service

[@PenguinMercy]

I can guarantee that I changed. I was someone who would be emotionally abusive and I had many of my own problems, I was emotionally unavailable. I was mentally addicted to vaping, smoking marijuana, drinking caffeine, having a bad sleep schedule, etc. I never saw myself long term changing these. Then my ex girlfriend of 8 months who ive known for 6 years broke up with me. She had initially suggested I change, in the best way I possible, and I said I would, but I didn’t know I had to. Since then I finally changed and got what I was missing. Motivation and self-control. Now I fixed all the stuff listed AND I keep it up.

[@Ang.143]

PenguinMercy good job ❤️

[@willfrancescofini]

now that you are changed, do you want to give her your full, emotional love?

[@antaradave1937]

Are you still in the relationship with her?

[@fernwhite9158]

Some people can some people cannot. Some people would never even think about it. It goes like this.

[@wellrose17]

I have made substantial positive changes in my personal life over the past year via exercise, meditation and letting go of my past.

[@WalkinonWalls]

Trauma changes people. Emotional overload changes people. Causes your nervous system to rewire. Nervous breakdown. People can choose to be different but that requires constant effort.

[@fabioaraujo552]

My father who once made me and my family suffer a lot with his selfishness, agressiveness and often violence, today is one of my closest friends and teaches me unconditional love everyday. After suffering a lot in life, he turned into a totally different man and I love him more than anything.

[@lflipsss]

Yes, with: awareness, desire, motivation, support, the tools to do so, and the time to do so.

[@vittoriaaresta3031]

I've been engaged for two months so far and this video coming up in my recommended was spot on. When we first met we had noticed everything we had in common but with time passing by we started arguing because of my short temper and other traits of my personality my boyfriend and myself don't get along well. It's been 2 months I've been promising him I'll change and since I've started changing, I've already seen improvements in myself. Of course I have a different background so change isn't always easy, and things to fix are so many sometimes I forget some of them getting me and him fighting again, but I really want this cycle to stop and be happy with him. If you love him/her and you're completely sure he's the right person any change will always be worth it.

[@Asto508]

Vittoria Aresta maybe you should take more time to get to know each other. This usually takes years and living through challenges together.

[@julissaespana3125]

Take notes too!! I’m on the same boat I forgot crucial things in the solutions to arguments that I promised I’d do differently and I really wanted to but it became a cycle and eventually screwed up my relationship.

[@Jane_under_a_tree_with_a_book]

I have been frustrated with my inability to change certain things - but I can't leave myself. The struggle continues...

[@alexharrison2743]

You do have the ability, just not the motivation/perseverance. This is okay, some things are really hard to change. But the fact that you've identified the things you want to change is important. Instead of trying to snap into being the person you can see yourself being, try to slowly squeeze yourself closer towards that self-actualisation. Keep struggling - in time you'll look back and see how much you've grown as a person!

[@jiminycricket6428]

Recognising the need to change is your first step in changing. You have already started. The change could take days, months or years. Lowering the expectation to change and understanding you will make many mistakes on the road to your ideal self, will remove the frustration and disappointment of 'failing'. You have to fail to succeed, or just be extremely lucky.

[@jlvandat69]

@@alexharrison2743 I disagree 1000% with, "You do have the ability, just not the motivation/perseverance." Sustained changes to our personality are likely the most difficult challenge any person can have. Many people work incredibly hard for years, spending many $$ on shrinks, reading dozens of books, and trying anything else to initiate positive changes to their personality only to experience a negligible difference. So it isn't about having adequate motivation/perseverance. If that was the only challenge, the world would be incredibly different and better. The complexity and degree of difficulty in self-improvement cannot be overstated, and in my experience significant positive change is a very rare occurrence, both for myself and others. However, I deeply appreciate those who try.....

[@graziacavasino8884]

@Jane: maybe you're OK the way you are... There are things that we can't possibly change: our past, our context shaped us at such extend that they have become our second nature. IMHO, change what you can change and accept the rest. As the saying goes, "A leopard can't change its spots"...

[@harmenbreedeveld8026]

Respect that you work on it. One day at a time, with ups and downs. I am myself also in a process of change. And it goes up and down. All the things that really matter take effort. Keep going, your future you will be grateful for your courage now.

[@coreycox2345]

I have changed myself, so I think "yes." Sometimes the best option is to accept others as they are, keep the things you love and not have anything to do with the other parts.

[@akosan]

Three years ago I started going to psychotherapy, after a hard break up and the loss of my grandmother. At some point I wanted to quit it because I felt better and I didn't feel the need to be there anymore. My psychologist said: "You are free to go, but eventually you will return again". I missed two sessions and later I came back to therapy. I understood that it was the time to give up all my control and start leaving me in hands of a professional. I agreed to draw things, talk about deepest fears openly, do the homework, speak to my family in order to show my emotions, leave people in my life go away... In summary: to start the change. Now I'm in my fourth year, things have gone better and better. But now I look to the path I have completed and I don't know if everyone is ready to do something like that. Change is hard but after you do it, your life starts again :)

[@OP-xi1hv]

Your psychologist makes his living from making you dependant on him.

[@chingo4958]

I want to change myself. I’m going to start therapy in order to do so because I’m afraid the love of my life is going to start hating me unless I do.

[@rickyaguilar38]

Chino Ismywife do it brah change now and don’t look back, for her

[@ccgarciab]

I hope you're able to continue to be with them, but my experience says that you'll change in better ways if you frame it as something for yourself, not for others.

[@MikeJackson690]

I wish I'd done the same. Can heavily advise it, but make sure you do it for yourself as well! Good luck.

[@Amor_fati.Memento_Mori]

That's Sad! But, *I'd rather they hate me for who I am than Love me for who I am not.* Whenever I truly disliked something about myself, I AUTOMATICALLY stopped it, I kept thinking somewhat the same way but I still STOPPED DOING it, Maybe it's because I myself don't want to continue to do something that made me dislike MYSELF. As Long as your Thought Process is such that it allows for change - You'll change. I don't think your Thought Process will but your personality which is visible to others might. So I always say when it comes to Personalities: *Don't try. It'll just be, If it's meant to be.* P.s : That's just my story. Good Luck with yours.

[@mczacify]

I avoided changing and now I regret for not changing for her

[@OneLastWo]

The biggest changes happen to me when I lose some thing or some one important. Why did I lose them? Were it preventable? How do I prevent it from happening again? When I realize I couldn't answer these questions, I look for answers. I am so fortunate to have come by people like Alaine De Botton, Jorden Peterson, Nassim Taleb, and many more. The biggest take away I have from all these great minds is that knowing something is not enough. You have to practice it. You have to put yourself behind the wheel and practice the idea they preach. Otherwise, you will never truly understand their ideas. For example, in this lesson, one idea is to be ruthless and cut those unworthy ties. But don't just know that you should be ruthless. Be ruthless. Cut the ties. You might lose something or someone important in the process. And worse, being ruthless might not be a good choice for you. But that is the cost of learning. As they say, Pathemata mathemata, we learn from the things we suffer.

[@jlvandat69]

Thank you for this video. Those 3 words, "Can People Change?" includes so many deep, complex and important concepts. One way to answer the question might be to examine the general results we see in people who have used whatever tools of psychology are available- such as counselors, self-help books, KZbin videos, etc. From what I see, the hunger for personal change and improvement is greater than ever, and the science of psychotherapy has been around for 100 years. The point is this- change is incredibly difficult, and there's huge opportunities for anyone who can offer tools that provide real, sustained improvements in our personality.

[@sricharan7829]

It's always about choosing how we actually wanna be, rather than what we can be by chance. Choice makes the difference.

[@soonny002]

Me: I changed, and now I'm happier! Mother: You changed, and now I'm sad.

[@VilleGardian]

Thats her problem. You are happy and that is what matters.

[@Milestonemonger]

I saw a psychologist for my PTS anxiety. I wanted to overcome this problem so badly that I decided to 100 pc be ready to listen and change my perspective...and, holy cow, it worked.

[@natheria4933]

I tried my best to learn and grow, but it never felt enough. it never felt fast enough, and i always felt like i let everyone down. I kept pushing and pushing hoping people could see that i genuinely wanted to do better, but they abandoned me regardless. I lost my lover, my friends, my family, and even my older sister. Someone I looked up to greatly. All because I simply couldn't get it. Because I was too much, and too depressive. They couldn't see how much they were helping because I simply didn't know how I could show them. I was so overwhelmed by everything, but it never mattered. Ultimately i am still responsible, and ultimately its still my fault. I lost every relationship that ever mattered to me, and my life as I knew it ended. I have new people in my life now, but nothing ever really feels as joyous as it once was with the people I had already been close to. Ultimately I feel doomed to never feel that again despite my best efforts, and I worry i will never find my way out of this as desperately as I try. I still fight, but sometimes I ask myself if that even matters anymore.

[@vicmaccc]

It's almost magical how the right video comes to you in the right moment, thanks again The School Of Life!

[@QCDoggies]

The willingness to be starkly introspective, while at the same time able to accept input from trusted others, are the two essential components of change. The trust part is the most difficult. How many broken people fall victim to gaslighters and controlling narcissists?

[@giovannirey8138]

i want to change. i want to deserve the love she gives me. i wish it was easy, but it isnt. she deserves it though. that’s really motivating for me. i hope i am able to change as much as I’d like to.

[@trevr1969]

"We can't change the people around us... but we can change the people around us"

[@crazylittlepartytifs]

Yes 🙌🙌🙌

[@beetdiggingcougar]

Slightly better: "We can't change the people around us but we can change the people who surround us"

[@dalitm7315]

The people that need to change the most are the least able to.

[@ActiveAdvocate1]

I learned an important lesson about people's capacity for change during my one and only long-term relationship, which only lasted about 16 months: mom told me, and it's true, that YOU can't change THEM. Even if they change for you, it's because they changed. You didn't change them. I didn't know till the very end that I was dating a profoundly selfish man, and it only got worse as time went on. I had a three-month hospital stay, and I kid you not, a week after I got out, he wanted to take me out to an open-floor concert. I said I was still too weak (and I was: I can't believe how much weight I lost and how pale I was and how weak I was), mom said I was still too sick, dad said I was still too sick, but he didn't listen. So, you know, I just said, "Screw this". I broke up with him two days later. And up till that time, he'd been trying to cut me off from my friends and family, trying to make my whole world about him. I know i'm ranting but it's important to the story. Even a professor of mine whom I particularly love, my ex didn't like him. They met once for about five minutes and it was THAT QUICK that he made up his mind that he didn't like the guy. Why? There's no romantic attachment there. So, after the break up, I asked my professor what he thought about it, and he was quite right when he said, "It's only because I take up space in your thoughts." My ex had wanted all that space for himself. Push out my external attachments, working his way up o my family, and then...well, you know how abusive relationships go. I'm happy I had the self-respect to walk away. PS: And I didn't go to the concert, by the way. I had enough sense to draw the line at personal safety.

[@braelofguletta8889]

Great story, i'm glad you're not with that guy anymore, staying with people like that really brings you down. And i really REALLY like your mom's quote. They changed for you, you didn't change them. It's up to them not us. Thank you for that wisdom ! Take care and live happy !

[@ActiveAdvocate1]

@@braelofguletta8889, aww, you're sweet. Mom gets the credit, though. She's honestly one of the smartest people I know (yes, I'm biased, but it's true, too), and anyway, she literally kept me alive last summer. I couldn't move at all for a few weeks, so she had to feed me and wash me. Love like that is unbeatable.

[@braelofguletta8889]

SoulFire39 Maybe you’re biased but even I can see how much she loves you ! That’s what good mom do they care about us. We should care about them in return when they’ll be older and in need too, and then love our kids like they did, carrying their legacy ! I really hope you’re doing better with your health ! Life is hard but we can enjoy the highs and learn from the lows !

[@celesfelgueiras4927]

I was the person waiting for people to change but when I realise that I was hopping all the time that people change for me but I didn't want to change my self for them when I was ask to, I knew something was off. Now, with therapy, I work in my insecurities and now I can a accept people the way they are or leave the relationship or put a distance if needed. thanks for this content, this videos help me so much! they make me more secure of some of my desicion or they rise awarness of the parts of me I need to work to. so thank you

[@hentaiisbadforyouiguess9373]

I hated the person I was in high school, I was toxic, manipulated person, I ruined friendships and relationships, I regret everything what I did back then, I'm always going to be viewed as a villain to my former classmates. I decided to treat people better, I realize that I was the problem. It took me time to realize it. I'm glad that I'm not that kind of person anymore

[@antagonizt8703]

Change is the only permanent concept.

[@nacarreira777]

the only constant.

[@GabaranRickshaw]

Thank you!

[@imogensimpkins6593]

It's so bizarre that you've put this video out now at this point in my life - Eerily relevant - this is exactly what I needed to hear. Like fate or something. Thank you xx

[@TeraMangala]

Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory.

[@klangkarussell4599]

These videos always get released at the right time, when I'm weathering a sea of change. Good change towards personal development.

[@bigtimefans100]

I felt this. especially that there has been a great emotional disconnect between my parents and me. I always kept the option available that I'd have to cut them out of my life if they refuse to change their minds when I come out to them as gay. and honestly, if I have to, it's a decision I'm going to be happy to make. do what's best for you, my dudes. sending all my love

[@cherylho1234]

I feel as if every sentence in this video was written for the situation that I’m going through now. Thank you.

[@OP-xi1hv]

Your name is 'Ho' LOL

[@rossanafioravanti8526]

I didn't change! With pain and strength I became myself in the end, only to realize I had been like that all the time but I hadn't really trusted me. Now I do. When we are wondering whether others can change since they are hurting us, that's the right time to leave. It's not an easy thing to do. And a hard learned lesson, yes. But now I'm more conscious and happy.

[@JackthePumpkincat]

People who hurt me will always be that person I see back then doesn't matter that they changed cuz they can't heal my pain

[@manueltennox7725]

I really like the question and part of the answer. But I'm missing the part where we should look into where we ourselves are resisting to change, and maybe cutting away people is just an attempt of getting away from changing ourselves...

[@Trinnabon]

It’s crazy when you have to deal with people who have “changed” when in fact all that is happening is the ending of a connection. Nobody here has personally changed...there is just a new light for a new part of life. When you start fighting with someone who you were once close with...there’s not much you can do to change whatever feelings they may have inside. No matter how much you want to sing them the old songs you both once shouted in the car so you can remind them what you guys once were...no matter how many times you give them that old smile and that loving touch...you simply are no longer a priority like you once were. This happens...what to do? You need to go find something that sparks your interest...something that makes you happy. Don’t be mad at the other person and try not to hate them...they are only human and they are merely doing the human thing of searching for their own happiness. Everyone is entitled to their own emotions...you can not title people as crazy or delusional they have reasons for doing confusing things because they are indeed just trying to work out what’s best for them...even if you don’t agree...it’s still not your life and it’s theirs...that’s why realizing your worth is the best thing to do...focusing on your desires and the things that bring you pleasure. Don’t put all you energy into someone who is putting their energy elsewhere. Find something that fuels you.

[@panamera4u]

a small advice that worked for me: in order to change i develop new habbits, that is a step in rewirering the mind. Yes, we can chage, only if we want it; and that's the hard part: to want.

[@Enrico_Fusai_Counselor]

People can definitely change. But only a good and comprehensive analysis of the specific situation can give proper answers. In the meantime, let's all remember that while being clear minded is hugely important, being able to enjoy the process of gradual exploration, discovery, evolution and change (of ourselves and others), is what it's ultimately all about.

[@talyah23]

Maybe it's better to ask if they're willing to change and if not, why should you have to stick around. And this should apply to family as much as relationships. I hate that you have to love family for who they are just because they're family. If they are doing bad things and harming you, they should change and if they don't then you should be allowed to walk away from family members without being seen as an a**hole because you won't allow that person to continue treating you terribly.

[@joejellyfish]

That's why boundaries are so important (-:

[@northstar5919]

You dont have to love someone who is bad to you. Love those who deserve

[@analyu3698]

I was waiting!! Realy a lot of people want this video.

[@alsyedali2481]

The animation at the end....cutting ties and letting go....Truly heartbreaking.... But maybe...just maybe.... Liberating.

[@shhdya9703]

Love is not about changing someone else. Love is about changing ourselves for the better.

[@stellamarkose3262]

Change is a natural part of life

[@madhusmita9868]

This came up at a really crucial time to me 💓 needed this so badly

[@alexandramaclachlan7597]

As always, your videos are perfectly timed. I had a breakdown today about how frustrated I am with the people I care about for stagnating. Then I realised, why do I care so much? They clearly don't care about themselves enough to see a reason to change. Time to be ruthless.

[@taej674]

Everyone that’s watching this needed it right now. That’s so weird because I just had a major event happen to me that made me realize that I need to change for the better

[@agstinacueva1673]

When I hear alain's voice I feel as if he were performing a dancing choreography.

[@marquamfurniture]

The narrator has one of the best voices and style of delivery. BUT I WANT TO GIVE A HUGE THUMBS UP TO THE ILLUSTRATORS AND GRAPHICS DEPT!!

[@skopens2920]

I think the more information you absorb, and the more you understand things, you slowly change. There are “aha”, enlightening, awakening moments as well. I definitely think people can change. I sure have, in every aspect of my life

[@danielteegarden8982]

the short of it all is " NO " the only way to change a person is to change there personality . that only happens with a near life death or maybe a mental break down...

[@UlasMT]

This is literally about me... Thank you TSOL for holding a mirror in front of me.

[@richasharma5949]

These days I am on a journey on changing certain things about myself, I know how difficult it is to change. It is like I take 2 steps ahead and go back 1 step the next day.

[@northstar5919]

Just continue

[@fanefox]

This is the exact fight I had tonight. I'm the one who needs to change. Thank you for this video.

[@raghoodroro6753]

Someone might tell you “You have changed a lot !“ but practically , you did not , but they are now seeing another side of your personality that they have not seen before . In other words , they are getting to know you in a deeper level.

[@JTT126]

I'd say only the one who wants to change and is actively working towards acquiring new habits, ways of thinking, or responses is capable of making a change. Even then it's difficult sometimes when one tries so how can a person who doesn't try or is unaware of themselves even begin to create themselves the way they want to? I've given up on people changing unless I can really see a committed effort to do so.

[@RecreationalUseOnly]

Wow this explains my relationship with my ex to the T. This explains a relationship with a Narcissist, period. Finally broke up with her a few weeks ago and broke the cycle. She lied pathologically, cheated, and even robbed me afterwards as she moved out. Life has been so PEACEFUL since. People won’t change, maybe unless they hit rock bottom. To them ignorance is bliss.

[@northstar5919]

Narcs dont change ever. They are not aware they are the problem thats why they dont

[@JoMama123451234]

What about someone who thinks they must change everything about themselves because they arent good enough as they are? I have struggled for years with the desire to grow and improve with the act of loving and accepting yourself as you are.

[@lionsskyblue442]

this is quite deep

[@DeepValueOptions]

“A man may be born, but in order to be born he must first die, and in order to die he must first awake”

[@Bam_Bizzler]

It's certainly not easy. Especially when society at large breeds and encourages destructive behavior for yourself and others.

[@abrahampalmer1153]

Yea but is a choice especially if you are grown up is no excuses for pity and playing the victim 24/7 just being honest.

[@Bam_Bizzler]

@@abrahampalmer1153 agreed

[@michaelhenault4381]

Alain: you da boy. I love philosophers because one puts one's life on the line everyday. Male hugs.

[@melzz7793]

Change isn't as hard as everyone says, actually. Life changes you by the second. The most visible change you will notice is when you are thrown into the circumstances that a normal person should adjust themselves to. You change based on the environment, obligations and responsibilities. Being a parent change you, being in a certain role change you, being committed to other things change you. And change can either be for the better or worse. However nothing is fixed. Anyone can flip and switch.

[@ChrisInvests]

When people say they will change....be leery 🤔

[@seanbaugh3239]

When people say they will change their underwear....... be optimistic ☺ *"NUFF SAID"*

[@vikkio92]

Wow, this is absolutely spot on and so incredibly relevant to my life. You're perfectly right. I need to become someone who doesn't wonder whether people can change nor waits to see if they do.

[@JayJay-ro3or]

It’s hard to change already. Being surrounded by people who do everything they can to make it even more difficult to change through abuse makes it even harder, yet these same people still have the nerve to make you the bad guy when you don’t change. Then you start to wonder “Why is it that I’m the one expected to change by people when these same people who are cruel on a daily basis can continue to stay the same without any expectations on them?” Life is annoying and I’m venting rn

[@morenaannunziata9234]

I agree totally with what's said in this video. I was with a person that I wanted to change, but for the good, not only to meet my needings. It turned out too heavy for me, it kinda destroyed my streght. Without him I feel better with my self, even thought I miss him.

[@striddyk]

I love this, especially the commentary about "why do we stay?" My question following this would be, what is too long, what is too impatient of a time to wait for the evolution of change? If indeed these people were traumatized, how much effort does one put in to at least illuminate them of this? Is it once and then you leave if they don't meet you with understanding and a promise, or is it ten, twenty, fifty times? Or is it months or years? I've loved these videos, Alain- I would love more granularity if you have more seeds of wisdom on this.

[@rafatyounis2719]

Astrid Kurniawan 1)If you consider this person to have a great potential and can be a long term person in your life. 2)If he/she show some sign of cooperation Then maybe and even if they don’t see it, your life is important to unchain them from their undiscovered trauma. Sometimes certain people enter our life to change our perspective on it. So maybe you might be able to give them a different perspective on life that would help them evolve as a character. And you should always remember that this is a lifetime investment. No one changes in a wimp but if this someone needs help then giving them the help they need might be your way of finding meaning in life. Sorry if there’s anything typos

[@07meiyin]

You also have to take in consideration of their behaviours which you wish to change are toxic or in any way abusive towards you. It is best in those cases to just leave and let them sort themselves out if they want. You shouldn't compromise your mental health or sanity for someone else, or else trying to help them can actually set your own self-improvement back or create negative traits in you that will make you dislike yourself. It is true that certain people can bring out "the worst in us", or rather perhaps that our adaption to their toxic behaviour can turn us into someone we despise.