On Being Out of Touch With One's Feelings

It’s remarkably easy to fall out of touch with a key bit of oneself: one’s feelings. A short guide to recovering contact.
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FURTHER READING
“An enormous amount of trouble in the world - especially at work and in relationships - is caused by a peculiar phenomenon of our minds: a tendency to be, as we put it, out of touch with our feelings. When we first meet this idea, it sounds strange, and even a bit insulting. How could we not know what we are feeling?...”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with Tracy Foster​
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Sound Design by Howard Sinden
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[@Mirandorl]

The sad thing is, even when you KNOW this, you will still make the same mistake. It takes a lot of practice to be able to catch that "veil of consciousness" coming down. Like meditation - watching the breath is like knowing you're on the bank, watching the boat go past. Then suddenly you're ON the boat, with no recollection you were ever meant to be anywhere else, let alone watching the breath. And we're doing that, all day every day.

[@descai10]

Mindfulness is what lets you notice the mistake as it happens. Observing your mind and your emotions, sitting with your feelings and trying to find their true definition.

[@sarangkim6373]

I face an unbearable situation. I begin thinking ‘It won't work anyway.’ ‘They will all hate me.’ ‘I will only be humiliated.’ Then I think about the situations I have been avoiding. Meeting with people that make me feel uncomfortable. Work that stresses me out. Things I have been procrastinating for a while. .... Now I can deal with it!!! search youtube "paradox of I can do it"....

[@StevenPalmer1]

The speedup of society and communications has increased emotional barrage and decreased processing time.

[@aquamarinedream8304]

yes!

[@oswaldsweezlebogger6826]

+I'mposs “RevEvo” ible #edge

[@ocamtille9114]

Steven Palmer i don't remember who said that but in today's world people never really get to experience things to the fullest, neither good or bad, they're forever content because they have so many options to what to take in.

[@SaartjeandRufus]

Great observation!

[@dcrikki7367]

Wait. Whaaat? Hold up. I’m, I’m, stillllllll ..... processssinnngggg. What?! 🤔

[@DustinWearsPants]

I feel like being out of touch with one's own feelings is instinctive, to protect us from dissatisfaction, boredom, and or other such undesirables.

[@Lorem_ipsum_dolor_sit_amet]

I think the root cause for a lot of problems we face today stems from widespread emotional indulgence and so some emotional distance is sorely needed. We really need a resurgence of the 'stiff upper lip', children today (and an incredible number of young adults) should have been shown how to control their emotions rather than submit to them. Learning how to distance yourself from emotion when necessary, is to learn how to be an adult.

[@DustinWearsPants]

Bobby Newmark I agree, and especially to that last point, "when necessary."

[@olivebates]

By learning how to label your emotions, you are able to find satisfaction, even in undesirable feelings. When sad, you can feel content in knowing that it will pass. When angry, you can explain why you are angry to the other person. By correctly labeling your feelings, rather than avoid them, you are able to take the appropriate action correlating to each feeling. In return, you will find that it is a lot easier to get along with other people, as well as being engaged in frenetic tasks.

[@DustinWearsPants]

Olivebates I feel like you're making an important distinction between being out of touch with your feelings, and knowing what they are to deal with them appropriately... I feel like that is what I was trying to say... Maybe.

[@Lorem_ipsum_dolor_sit_amet]

+Olivebates I think this touches on emotional regulation which is the effort of understanding the reason and causes of ones emotional state, effectively intellectualizing emotion as a way of controlling it. This is an enormously more mature approach to emotion than simply indulging in raw untempered emotion, but it's evidently not very common in younger people today. I'd suggest that Victorian stoicism should be proselytized in favor of this sort indulgent relativism we have today. If there was one piece of writing I'd recommend to the Twitter/Tumbler millennials it'd have to be Kiplings 'If'. What a world it'd be if they'd only take that lesson to heart. We should be the masters of our emotions rather than its slaves.

[@mithrilg2286]

Made me remember one of the first therapy sessions when it took me one whole hour to figure out that a certain episode of my life had made me feel "sadness". Up until that moment I had been so confident that I knew what feelings were, it's easy to say "they're crying therefore they're sad". But it was like a blind man saying the grass is green and the sky is blue. I remember going back home in shock. The fact that I hadn't been able to recognise such a simple, basic human emotion without a therapist challenging my thoughts for an hour had been truly shocking. After that many things started making more sense, my lack of empathy as well. I'm still not done with learning, but now, with my newly acquired sadness and anger, life feels much fuller!

[@walk.]

If you are watching this, you are a beautiful person and have an amazing day 😊😊😊

[@Jaaziar]

Thanks!!!

[@faresmartini6749]

[@inspectormcl7635]

thanks

[@fellynamu]

Thanks

[@narusasu147258369]

thank you, you're pretty cool yourself 😸✌

[@kunjika]

Your contents are so practical, insightful and logical (majority of the times than not), it's hard to believe these are based on opinions and not facts. I am so glad The School of Life is free, and my feelings are aligned with my observer as I say this. Please take the following words as warmly as you can. Thank-you.

[@IBiancoNeve]

Kunjika Prasai well, this one is definitely based on experience!

[@rosesprouts]

I'm really intrigued by these works, as always. I have a few mental illnesses and a strange childhood involving a lot of abuse. I have struggled immensely with dealing with anger or sadness. I couldn't cry in front of people, and I would refuse to be angry or violent with anyone until my anger broke and I'd explode and then go back to normal and suppress myself. I actually didn't know it at the time but especially whenever I felt like crying or being angry I would self harm. I had been doing it from kindergarten and up. Slamming my wrists onto edges of tables and squeezing limbs and ribs with strings are wire. I had never even heard of self harm or cutting until middle school. I'm still working to be able to cry. On my own. In front of people. And expressing my anger in a healthy manner. I cried in front of my friend last week and it was a huge step for me. I am happy that I could cry to myself whilst watching the Little Motel music video.

[@GrahamMilkdrop]

+Aso Paso Yes... because ultimately crying is a personal thing and not an attention seeking exercise... (though people do use it to manipulate others.) Whilst it may sound disconcerting, a person who has repressed the need may find they have lots and lots and lots and even more lots of catching up to do... Not so long ago, I cried every day for three months... almost uncontrollably... I hated it sometimes... but at other times it took me on a journey inwardly and into the past where I could grieve for the damaged and murdered parts of my self. Be very very very patient. It is a heart-warming process... not a race. Good luck... :'(

[@danielr3522]

Yeah it *is* hard to be vulnerable with other people (more so for guys, I'd guess, but also for women), I guess because we might worry that it makes us appear weak, which in turn can cause us to feel ashamed. And other people often feel uncomfortable when you speak honestly about how you feel, it can be hard to find a person you feel you can really confide in. But there are things like internet forums and support groups, so there *are* people out there that you can talk to :-)

[@GrahamMilkdrop]

Daniel R I would only make one change to what you wrote... Just that it is only difficult to admit we are vulnerable... To be vulnerable is easy, because we ARE vulnerable in truth... People just spend huge amounts of energy in pretending otherwise.... Everything else you said is spot on...

[@danielr3522]

True, we *are* vulnerable, regardless of whether or not we want to acknowledge it. When I talk about being vulnerable with others, though, I'm talking about the willingness to drop any pretense and to honestly express how we're *really* feeling (though I'd say that before we do that, we need to be honest with *ourselves*, which itself can be a big issue for a lot of people).

[@GrahamMilkdrop]

Daniel R Absolutely. The pretense though, is all the more ridiculous when the truth is universal and beyond doubt... No?!

[@hrnekbezucha]

Alan watts said "what would you do if money were no object?" and I sat down and concluded that I don't have the slightest idea.

[@SunnyApples]

You didn't think long enough. Try again, I'm sure you will come up with at least few dozen things. :D

[@itchykami]

I would resort to the barter system.

[@b00gi3]

haha, that was hilarious.

[@nothingimportant5203]

Create it.

[@DHTC888]

I was a skateboarder on and off most of my life but I got serious about it at age 46. Sometimes I need money for equipment, sometimes I need gas money to get to a skatepark but most of the time you can just grab it and head out the door. I like how skating down the sidewalk focuses you on obstacles, completely freeing your mind from thinking about anything else. You can also ride your bike or just get outside and start walking if you’re completely out of resources.

[@theandy4ever]

Thank You, you remind me to be human

[@revitellect3129]

Yes.

[@henryix6659]

No, thank YOU Kanye, very cool!

[@meganfolarin6806]

sounds like something kanye would say

[@gracedixon9910]

@@henryix6659 I came here to make that comment ):

[@undergroundskeptic2916]

This certainly reminds me of Freud's theory wherein the feelings that we felt (while growing up) were inappropriate and unacceptable were shoved down into our subconscious in the hope that we would never experience them again. However, the only outcome of the action is that it would be harder to suppress those types of feelings if we don't confront it with a clear and honest mind.

[@TheTonyEntertainment]

This is literally the best timing. Thank you School of Life. You make me feel less alone.

[@yianniskrompas]

i love you so much school of life. I feel less lost now that i found your channel. From a the bottom of my heart, thank you

[@hivizhonda9486]

"Most so-called addictions are, at heart, symptoms of insistent, difficult feelings that we haven't found any better way to address."

[@JINSEN1]

That state of confusion of one's feelings is like a flux of empathy that one cannot be comprehended.

[@chris4325]

I like that the videos are so short and to the point.

[@sebastiankristiansen8852]

Have only been watching these videos for about half a year now. They're amazingly enlightening and honest. It's not only helped me but family members that have way more problems than I do. Thank you guys..

[@Charlie_Loves]

I loved the video. If I could make a suggestion, could you make a video on the cultures of a teenager? How young adolescents have modernized into this decade and the expectations and pressures that come along with it? Thank you for reading my comment and I hope you have a wonderful day.

[@cotywittmeyer4604]

I've watched every single SOL video. I'm familiar with the themes. I'm in tune with the concepts. I've adopted the ideologies. I saw Alain talk last month and read the book he was promoting. But this video has taken some serious effort to comprehend in the entirety it deserves. I like that. I like this. I like a School Of Life.

[@gabrielonnerfors885]

"Some feelings are like church bells that we can only make out when the city traffick has died down" I just love this channel

[@rainephachoumphone9175]

I love how people think they know you so well and put a label on you even though thats not you really feel.

[@yamitsukikarasu8857]

The part where children are taught how they should feel reminds me of how I got Bordeline Personality Disorder. I am hypersensitive. When I started elementary school, I came to realize that the way I experienced emotions was the total opposite of what was expected of me. Teasing would hurt me more than most. I was then told to just ignore it, but I wasn't capable to do so. Then the other children started teasing me even more because I would react strongly to it. They thought it was funny. After a year of it, I started to believe something was wrong with me. I became convinced I was a bad person because I couldn't meet up to other's expectations. Instead of becoming out of touch, I drowned in self loathing. After that, I didn't need anyone to denigrate me. I would do it myself. My symptoms started at age 7. At 20, I was diagnosed with BPD. I am now 24 and have been strugling with mental illness for the last 17 years. I'm working very hard in order to recover from this disease. It'll take years for that to happpen, but I already feel more like myself.

[@gruffyddgozali]

The animation style in these videos is amazing. Like, the fact that they seem to blend so effortlessly with the script is awesome.

[@amira6685]

this channel's content is just so good ,thank you so much for this I was almost unconscious of it before watching this

[@josteinliesvalheim3271]

School of Life is just amazing. I don't think any other resource i've found has provided me with so mich insight about me, my family and my spouse. I get choked up all the time watching these videos. And Alain has the most pleasent voice i know.

[@kinsmed]

I love the variety of animation styles you give us each day. And that piece at 2:30...

[@_nutsbutts_]

This one, by far, is my favorite. Thank you.

[@eline8087]

It's important to recognise and acknowledge your feelings and give them a place, but it's not always correct to let yourself be guided by them when it comes to interacting with other people or making life choices.

[@Eisofice]

it's difficult to talk about difficult emotions when you feel you're being kinda pathetic. It's a 'but everyone else manages'. Kinda voice, (I suppose I heard this a lot as a kid- oh next door kid can do this, why can't you?') but this voice is difficult to ignore.

[@KarrieDreammind5]

Exactly! Whenever I feel like sharing about my problems/feelings with someone or even try to acknowledge them myself I find myself feeling guilty because I think I'm probably too entitled to think I have it more difficult than anyone else. Because other people are probably going through the same stuff as me but they can handle it better and don't play the victim role over it. That makes me think that I shouldn't complain about my issues and should just grow some balls and deal with it.

[@Vesamude]

Man I remember the person I was in high school and in college.. I don’t think I ever cried ha.. a few years of therapy and all I do is feel!!!

[@Igor_lvanov]

your videos are like preachings. I watch them couple times a week and they help me to make better decisions in my life and be more happy and wise. Thank you

[@lambusaab]

Thank you School of Life. I find your videos very educational (in terms of learning about ourselves). I am able to deal with people in a better way. Keep up the good work.

[@Dixio]

Wow, this is one of the few videos I've ever watched anywhere that I can confidently say has definitely helped me and given me much to think about!

[@lilia3737]

Thanks for this page ! It's my favourite page on KZbin! You explain all in very simple way and it's quite fun see the images move... very good job !

[@tonypetrovik]

I would like to once again the School of Life, today I have felt very down, out of touch with my feelings even though I thought I was, I am able now through this video to reflect on my thoughts a mere half-hour ago that had been persisting throughout the day. Now this video has helped, to rationalise, to catalogue and to see the emotion, the anger, and frustration, which had a meaningless, an unimportant and invalid (although I thought otherwise) reasoning, and that there was in fact nothing particularly wrong if these 'problems' were put in their proper context. For a while the remedy of 'put the feelings aside and ignore them' has been working, but eventually and occasional swell up leading to a bad day, where I find the need to, figuratively, live with my eyes closed, to ignore what I didn't want to acknowledge. This video shows the need to look rationally, to dissect the feelings, the causes, the reasons, the thought processes to reveal the truth behind the emotions. Thank you again very much School of Life, providing thought-provoking, interesting and really helpful snippets of philosophical and emotional lessons and outlooks to help people further their own understanding of themselves and their everyday lives and feelings.

[@ONdeplay]

Thank you so much for these videos. In a world such as this where society has "no time" to put up with feelings, it's good to find a way to understand that they are not what we thought they were, and that there are some that we've always tried to avoid which, actually, are a sign of problems emerging. After all, we all think we're sick until we acknowledge our true emotions and embrace them.

[@diegog5781]

I love the work you guys are doing. I consider it of utmost importance to our collective growth and maturation within our own individual lives and societies.

[@obranflakes64]

All of your videos are flawless and you lay things out so simply yet so intricately

[@twiznizzlenore7822]

Anger is a secondary emotion . If you really evaluate why your angry you’ll see that your really ; -hurt -scared -frustrated -lonely -etc. So next time you get mad sit down and figure out why your mad and you’ll learn something about your yourself 💯

[@iseeu221]

I went through so many emotions watching this video! 😊 great work

[@ewhjfewhehgkwhgew8334]

Your videos (this particularly at the moment) are really helpful for me. Keep doing what you do !

[@BlackacreFSA]

Wow! This was one of my favorite videos yet. Keep up the great work!

[@094belieber]

I've worked so hard and for so long to put away or ignore my feelings and now I regret it. How practical :)

[@craigsimmons1153]

This channel is blessed 😌

[@beakf1]

I enjoyed the art that went into this video. The music and animation etc is very good.

[@BramAPoe]

Can you do a video on what to do if you feel like an outcast? Or feel significantly under valued and a little reclusive?

[@shadow3brigade3SBX3]

Best Feelings ever, while watching and understanding, and best sound effects ever!

[@nadaessam5822]

This is one of the best things I've ever watched.

[@Mehereth]

This video has an eerie feel to it.

[@daedra40]

This has been a most lovely video. The insight contained within has made me feel so alive on the inside, I sincerely thank you - the people at the school of life - from the most powerful parts of my soul, and into this comment. Thank you very much for this video, along with the others you've share with the world this past year. I can be more patient now (learnt a bit of this from your videos!) - patiently awaiting the next video that will help me address my live's issues. You're making at least my life I'm sure better and lovelier, one thought at a time.

[@mogreneha]

One of the amazing, relevant and beautifully articulated videos I have seen. Makes complete sense and is so helpful. Thank you...

[@emilywells6269]

This resonated so well with me - thank you for your content

[@MultiCappie]

This has to have some of the best graphics of any SoL vid yet. So good, I had to play it again with something else on the screen in order to actually hear it.

[@inuyasha000000]

These videos are really making me think about myself. Especially this video.

[@vishalbagul6253]

You know the looking away or hiding the truth is an self safety mechanism of the observer self.which is a good thing ! I mean rather than dwelling on which has been done and noticing depression is a horrible thing according to me. I know it may sound rough but it is better to ignore it most of the time and move on.

[@DrewzThunder]

This video is extremely helpful. Really love this channel. Thank you.

[@elroy8138]

Such an incredibly important issue; especially for us 'men' who struggle so much with this and create such destruction as a result. Thank you for such an inspiring and well produced channel.

[@Msllovemusic00]

I really really appreciated the two advice at the end of the video: to read books (literature) and to contemplate for a few moments every now and then about ourselves.

[@markeugene1293]

I couldn’t stop hearing the film reel the whole video

[@dinofernando11]

you folks make quality stuff. Keep up the great work!! And Thank you.

[@stanloona5498]

My favorite video so far ♥️♥️ thank you ENOURMSLY for this

[@honourlulu5562]

Thank you so much for this video ❤️. It really helped me see life in a different perspective 💯

[@hugocordeiro2310]

Thanks. I'd like to say more, but this is the only word that comes in my mind. Not only for this video but for all of them.

[@robinross2648]

I love this video! Whenever i feel angry, the screaming volcano sound pops up in my mind and lets me know what my hidden mood really is. Yay! The pouting backpack sound works too! crying puppy sound comes in too

[@raghavrawal]

Thank you the school of life. It was as if you were talking to my soul !!

[@OMIMreacts]

Such a strong video! I love you, School of Life!

[@iNfliktionDubBass]

Don't know about anyone else but I found the animations in this absolutely hilarious! What a brilliant way to convey such useful and profound information!

[@bigjumps]

thank you for shining some light for future generations and all us the lost children wandering around in "adult" bodies. if this had been produced a decade ago - when i was just graduating highschool - i might not of had as many problems pursuing my ambitions since then.

[@xenabadran4528]

Your words are magic

[@androidanonymous8988]

There you go, you solved one more problem of mine. Thank you.

[@nmbr4lizard524]

i needed this, subscribed.

[@lisazoria2709]

Yeah, yeah, but what about when your feelings and own self awareness won't shut the fuck up and you over think and over feel and over analyze EVERYTHING!? lol

[@plumbell67]

I know right?!!!

[@lisazoria2709]

Thanks for the advice, guys. :3 Although I was half-joking, I can always use it. I'm not usually like that anymore though unless I've fallen deep into "unhealthy lifestyle" mode again. I've found all my extra energy and anxiety sneakily manifests into a negative cycle of bad habits and obsessive thoughts if I allow it. I've since taken up meditation and am getting better at exposing the root insecurities and desires which cause this anxiety and am learning to channel it into more positive energy and actions which helps appease those inner demons in more effective ways. I guess I wrote my comment because all this is easier said than done, and sometimes I still struggle to find the willpower to do what I know I NEED to do, not what I feel like doing in the moment. Self improvement and discovery is an ever winding road! ;) 

[@fauberkaupfmann982]

when you OVERanalyse something, your not analyzing correctly. there, found the truth in own words.

[@chinmayshetye4354]

+Bystander232 beautifuly written!

[@Tippex56544]

I think when you start over-analysing stuff it means you have already dealt with it, or processed it, whichever term you prefer. Sometimes the answer is to just continue working on your goals or living your life otherwise certain minds will quite happily keep worrying about nothing.

[@johnp6274]

a refreshing way of seeing the conscious/unconscious correspondence!

[@bsass89]

So many great insights, thank you.

[@rubberbumm]

I know its has nothing to do with this particular video but i love the artwork and pacing of these vids

[@DeWolden68]

"Repatriate our feelings..." I loved that one!

[@ngandang96]

I always love this channel narator voice it's so soothing

[@iuliua]

This is a very good video but it only scratches the surface because the subject is so hard to articulate. For a more in depth read about this I recommend Karen Horney "Neurosis and human growth". It will explain all the unexplained emotional shit in your life.

[@Utkarshkharb]

The way this video speaks to me ...

[@faieosx7]

My english is still average to deeply understand the metaphor and what the narrator try to convey..I hate the feeling of clueless when watching some of school of life contents..

[@raza838]

as you get more advanced in the language, you'll begin to understand more. don't beat yourself up.

[@NortexG]

Don't worry, I'm English myself and there's a handful of words being used that I don't know the full extent of their meaning.

[@pocketfullofshellz]

I think they post the script at thebookoflife.com , you could slowly read them or even translate it?

[@NRikeChannel]

I agree. They should put on some subtitles maybe. Even youtube can't understand what he's saying (if you put the atomatic subtitles on, it's full of mistakes)

[@brianortiz9014]

The whole story is, Take time alone to get out the feelings that you need too. instead of keeping them trapped inside

[@ginrummy3996]

Well said too much doings leads to undoings.

[@eviealexander7527]

love the animation; delightful! message is right on!! thank u for sharing this xox

[@isie1020]

Superb - one of my favourite SOL videos

[@Ikbob11]

your soft, soothing, British voice makes it easier to accept the difficult things you say.

[@desmarshall8154]

LOVE the animations, they make me LAUGH..a NICE emotion..

[@MichL_71]

Brilliant as usual.

[@robgreen9]

i lover your videos more than many things in life, one minor critique (or strength) is that they are so dense, i can watch the same video many time and get things i have missed, the 9th time through. Also the awesome visuals are actually so awesome that they add to the strength of the message but only come into full realization upon my 4the view, these are not watered down insights, they deserve multiple listens, i dont think anyone does justice watching one of these once or twice, they are so rich, and full of insight, we have to pause and reflect and take the time necessary, much in the same way we can stop and slow down while reading a book.. anywho, this info tops all the info on the whole damn interweb about life and what is important, cheers , and keep it up, and thank you for timeless information about what it is like to be human at this time, thanks Alain de Botton and everyone at school of life for your time and sharing your talents for showing us where we are at.!!! :)

[@princessfly11]

"...feelings that haven't been reported don't and can't go away. They linger and spread their energy randomly to neighboring issues." BAM. Exactly--which is Why You May Be Angry and Not Sad (another School of Life video).

[@AmoaYuriyMonika]

Beautiful... thank you.

[@steff2437]

I have Borderline Personality Disorder and almost constantly have an issue with recognizing my emotions or reactions to things. This video hits close to home.

[@HarshyASMR]

This was so helpful. Bless you

[@mistyblue511]

Everyone on earth should watch, listen and learn this... over and over and over...until they "get it"

[@yomarcelojeje]

Great video. Thank you so much.

[@paintingmysky]

Excellent and very helpful!

[@spacesandy3410]

Thank you for this.

[@banisan2035]

I really love this channel. It often gives me wonderfully helpful insights into my own mind, and, of course, the minds of others, teaching me how to be more at peace with the world through understanding. :3

[@ziemlichgut5360]

thanks for the reminder!

[@ritubhatnagar3165]

the animation is awesome!

[@gauthamys2773]

You guys are the best!!!!

[@Ender_FPV]

Thank you for these insights. Subbed.

[@prabhatsingh6759]

When I opened this video, I noticed I had already liked this video and few comments on this video. Feels like I'm right back where I started from 2 years ago. 😢

[@fushipunk]

very informative. Thanks!