Can't Heal Shame? Hear this...

I discuss the journey of healing from toxic shame.
⭐️ Check out my FREE TRAINING on finding inner freedom, authenticity, and joy here!: JennLawlor.com/innerfreedom
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My mission here at Jenn Lawlor International is to help smart, sensitive women DIGEST and RESOLVE the stuck emotions and limiting beliefs forming the roots of their inner conflicts so they can experience inner freedom and authentic joy.
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Jenn Lawlor International and the information provided by Jenn Lawlor are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Jenn Lawlor is a Certified Self-Directed Healing Practitioner and has over 33+ years of personal and professional experience navigating the trauma healing path, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
If you are in crisis, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or your local emergency services.
Copyright Jenn Lawlor International

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I think of that one lady or man who is so comfortable in their skin, they just don't seem to care what others think. I think wouldn't it be relaxing to not care what the world might think? After all we are only here on this planet for a visit. What a shame to miss out on the fun.

[@JennLawlor]

Yes, that would be so nice to experience that feeling of freedom...

[@arnieb3947]

For some reason I have an instant visceral reaction when I see or hear the “comfortable in their own skin” saying. It’s probably because I am not. I have the same reaction when I hear “I am enough.” Again, likely because I am not. I’m in a constant state of anxiety. Hoping to make sense of it all someday. I wish you well.

[@JennLawlor]

@@arnieb3947 That is very insightful of you.

[@MrAnthonyKennedy1]

I'm 44 years old and have only now become consciously aware of the toxic shame I've been carrying since I was a child. I really appreciate your making this video. Cheers!

[@JennLawlor]

Hi Anthony, I'm glad you got something from this video. So little is written/talked about regarding toxic shame - it's no wonder we spend so much of our lives carrying it around without even knowing it!

[@jacquelinehorne6485]

I will be 70 next birthday and it was only two days ago that I realised what unconscious patterns have been playing out for my whole life. It’s taken me until now to be ready to see it. I did your mini healing practice yesterday. Thank you for all that you do. ❤

[@patman2438]

Your videos (I watched three of them) prove that low clicks doesn't mean low worth. Thanks.

[@Brody.W]

I needed to hear this.. Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

[@monicamomney8756]

I started making content in 2020. Everything you said about the shame wave when the camera turns on it so real. Thank you!!!!

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Its hard to move threw the shame

[@page2741]

love your use of the word 'hustle' I've been hustling for what feels like my entire life. Thank you!

[@selenadrenalinperle7383]

Thank you.

[@JennLawlor]

You're welcome! Xo, Jenn

[@understandablepodcast]

Beautiful topic. Thanks for sharing that! :)

[@quarteracreadventures855]

Thank you for making this video. I have also benefitted from watching Brene Brown's video on shame and I put her book, 'Daring Greatly' on hold at the library. My own toxic shame stems from childhood trauma, and I have come a long way on my healing journey. I would like to share an essay I wrote about a therapy session where my therapist and I used Accelerated Resolution Therapy (a form of EMDR) to combat my toxic shame, so others might consider using this method for themselves. The content may be triggering, so I will paste it in a separate post below. Do not click on it if you are sensitive to child abuse.

[@quarteracreadventures855]

*Growing up, essential resources were tightly guarded and doled out sparingly. But there was yet another commodity that was guarded even more greedily than food or heat, despite the fact that it costs nothing* “Just look at Sandra; crying to get attention… I don't know what it is, but I just can’t bring myself to feel sorry for her,” said my mother to Sharon. I don’t remember what I was upset about, but whatever it was, my mother and sister were not willing to grant me any sympathy. “When I see other people cry, I might feel bad for them, but when SHE does it, I feel nothing at all,” mom continued. My mother and sister talked to each other like I wasn’t even there. It was as if they were discussing a defective lamp, rather than a crying child. “That’s because Sandra doesn’t cry WITH us, she cries AT us,” Sharon said. While my sister was first to use these particular words, this term soon became a go-to phrase which the whole family utilized to invalidate any injustice I became upset about: “Oh look; Sandra’s crying at us again. Does she actually expect us to feel bad for her?” Or: “Go cry at somebody else Sandra; it’s not going to work on us.” Sometimes, my brothers would further mock me by rubbing their fists in their eyes and making whining noises. Accusing me of ‘crying at them’ was a way for my family to shift the guilt and blame for my abuse, back onto me. According to THEM, the cruelty I was enduring was not the problem; my failure to cry the 'right' way about it WAS. Whenever my family mocked me for ‘crying at them’ they stressed the word ‘at’. So, if crying AT them was wrong, was I supposed to cry WITH them instead? But how was I to accomplish this, when crying WITH them would require reciprocity FROM them? Looking at it this way, Sharon’s assessment was spot on; I really was crying ‘at’ my family rather than with them: If you picture someone crying at the door, they are being denied entry; how could this person cry with the occupants if they won't open the door? And that is exactly how it felt; as though I were crying at a locked door. The door was theirs, yet the shame was mine. When my family used this phrase to mock me, the shame it induced was so unbearable that I would immediately go hide. It was as if my family had dug me a ‘shame-hole’ and this is where I was sent to cry. Once I realized that seeking compassion and being met with rejection is even more soul-crushing than simply suffering alone, my family’s rebuff was no longer necessary; if I needed to cry, I sent MYSELF to the shame-hole. I was already suicidal, but this went even deeper than that; my humiliation was so great, I didn’t simply want to die; I wanted to disappear altogether. I think my family wanted me to disappear too; as this would allow them to escape the guilt of knowing that the most vulnerable among them was enduring mental, physical and sexual abuse from the most powerful among them, while they stood by in relative safety. Recognizing the brutality of my existence also meant acknowledging that they themselves were complicit in it. Unfortunately, I didn’t disappear; the only way for my family to exonerate themselves was to paint me as a whiney attention-whore who didn't deserve their compassion or protection. But what hurt the most was that Sharon not only participated in shaming me, she was the ringleader. Growing up, my sister was the closest thing I had to an ally; her rejection felt like a betrayal. It hurts a bit less to believe that my sister was simply doing what she had to do to survive; the fact that Sharon was treated so well (this is a relative term) in our family while I was treated so badly must have caused her tremendous guilt. Viewing me as an attention-seeker instead of a traumatized child was a way for my sister to reconcile this disparity. Even though my sister didn’t choose the dynamics of our dysfunctional family, she still had to protect the system at all costs; lest the golden child find herself crying at the door instead of me. Sharon was the most reliable caregiver I had, yet I was unable to come to her for comfort of any kind; it was as if she had built a wall around herself. Not only was I forbidden to touch her physically, I couldn't even cry in her presence. Like my sister’s physical boundaries, I believe Sharon needed to set these ‘emotional boundaries’ to keep me from smothering her; I was a lonely, frightened child facing unimaginable abuse, with no one to look to for comfort or compassion. I think Sharon knew if she ‘opened the door’ when I cried, the pain and guilt would have been too much; I would have overwhelmed her. Yet again, it was the neighborhood dogs who saved me. Not only were the dogs my only safe source of physical affection, I only felt safe to cry in their presence as well. Unlike my human family, my beloved canine family never denied me compassion, or ridiculed me for crying the wrong way. ***** For the next 40+ years, I continued to send myself to the shame-hole to cry. But after my brother’s suicide, I began seeing a therapist and started to open up about my painful past. I was so afraid to read my essays to my husband; I braced myself for the rejection, blame and ridicule I had been conditioned to expect; dozens of inner voices were already berating me. After sharing a particularly intense essay, I got choked up; but instead of sending me to the shame-hole, Hubby offered me a hug. To say the floodgates opened would be an understatement. Fifty years of pain came rushing out in a giant, sobbing mess. And once I started, I could not stop. I cried for a long time, and this process went through many stages. Some parts resembled an exorcism; and this is not far from the truth, seeing how the demons of my past did not leave willingly; I cried so hard that I convulsed and flopped around like a fish. I wasn't crying at Hubby; I was crying with him. He held me tight, stroked my hair, and told me I was going to be ok. After the exorcism, I still couldn’t stop crying; I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude. When cried at the door, Hubby was brave enough to open it. I wasn’t shamed, blamed or rejected. But all the while, the inner voices were SCREAMING at me to get back inside my shame-hole where I belong; the voices told me I don’t DESERVE things like love or compassion. They told me I don’t deserve my Hubby. My family of origin has already deprived me of a happy childhood, but I am an adult now; my abusers are no longer a threat and I am safe and loved. But despite achieving this, I am not free. The voices of my abusers and their enablers live on in my head, where they continue to torment and shame me. These echoes of the past are like a barrier preventing me from fully embracing the love that now surrounds me. I love my Hubby so much; I want to heal, so I can feel like I deserve him. But more importantly, I want to heal so I can become the whole, stable, and healthy partner that he deserves. "Love is all around you; love is knocking outside your door" -Tesla, 'Love Song' **Thank you for reading. I wish you luck on your healing journey**

[@ranicalerp7765]

I've just watched a few of your videos. I've watched a lot of other videos on this topic, but your explanations are really resonating with me. They're very real and raw and relatable. Thank you so much for putting these out there. I've had a terrible time lately and this information is giving me some hope. I'm going to try again to sit with the feelings...

[@JennLawlor]

Glad it was helpful!

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

It was making me feel so small it is holding me back little bit

[@etphonehome4511]

John Bradshaw was the og of shame research....I agree our culture sells "your not enough as you are" with constant bombardment....if self acceptance became the norm, our capitalist economy would come to a screeching halt and there would be a lot less jobs unfortunately....makes sense why many from poor countries are happier, granted their basic needs are met.

[@brendanmoore5456]

Awesome video. I’ve discovered how much toxic shame is affecting me and am aware of it but don’t really know what to do next. This helped a lot

[@JennLawlor]

@Brendan Moore - thanks for letting me know you got something out of the video. It's so hard to step outside the world of chronic shame when we've been living within it for so long. The more you understand about chronic shame, the more you develop your awareness of how it operates within you, the more you'll be able to spot it, hold yourself with kindness when it arises, and develop a new way of being with yourself in those moments so you can replace the habit of turning against yourself. Let me know if you have any questions. I definitely know a lot about chronic shame, having spent most of my life lost in it! xox Jenn

[@boxcar25]

I see you didn't get a good answer, so let me help you. Read "Healing The Shame That Binds You" (Updated Edition Oct. 2005), written by John Bradshaw, THE TRUE expert on toxic shame. This book helped change my life.

[@toxicshame8894]

Hi Jenn. Did you, like myself, suffer from child abuse? This seems to be the common denominator in toxic shame.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

In some ways l feel little bit broken alot of shame driven

[@ourmodernworldofficial]

Verry insightful video thank you! What I like about your videos is that you aren't speaking riddles like Teal Swan. You're making it simple to understand and impactful so that one can implement very quick! Also I wanted to say that I think your voice sounds good :)

[@JennLawlor]

Thanks. I'm glad you're finding value in my videos.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

Frustrated on this journey

[@11even99]

subconscious reprogramming and mushrooms helped me immensely. 🍄

[@JennLawlor]

great!

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

It is uncomfortable to show up and be myself

[@JennLawlor]

Use this, jennlawlor.com/freehealing - and use the simple sentences, "I'm not enough," "I'm broken," "I can't be myself," "I'm ashamed of myself." See which brings up the most emotion...

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

It really is hurting me l fo got a bad habit

[@etphonehome4511]

brene brown would not have happened without John Bradshaw....he is the original....I recommend all his videos on youtube

[@boxcar25]

Exactly. I don't know why she is making a big thing of Brene Brown when it is actually Joh Bradshaw that is the TRUE expert on toxic shame. His book has helped me tremendously.

[@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj]

I feel like sm not pretty enough

[@nicholassharp6566]

For me I feel shame as total emptiness....it’s the worst feeling ever. In my case it came from my mother’s treatment of me as a toddler. Not her fault, I know but that does not help at all

[@boxcar25]

I agree. The video didn't do much. You MUST read "Healing The Shame That Binds You" (Updated Edition Oct. 2005), written by John Bradshaw. This book helped change my life. He also has some videos here on KZbin. I don't know why the lady in this video did not mention John Bradshaw whatsoever.