Can You Be Polyamorous Without Being a Throuple? | We Should Unpack This E10

[@jillflanigan7314]

I just really love how Aaron always gets so excited about Mickey getting back on track when they loose their train of thought. Mickey "Oh I remember" Aaron " oh tell me tell me tell me"

[@pavlarouckova2830]

This podcast is my ADHD safe space! Talking over each other, talking fast, not finishing a thought... all that.. makes me very comfortable

[@klaythoring1326]

I had an ex that I had to explain to him "you're not poly, you're just an ahole" I'm mono now which I didn't expect, but the pandemic made it necessity and my partner now is incredible, but also open to different relationship styles. I'm glad you're doing this topic! Edit to add: I hope compersion becomes a more common term in general. I had always experienced this and people would behave as though it wasn't a thing. As an ND I wondered if that was why I experienced it, but I know many more now :)

[@JezzieBell666]

I’ve always been so curious, as an always monogamous person how poly people don’t get jealous or resentful in those parallel type dynamics, so thank you guys so much for educating me on that, apparently I have some deep seated things to unpack 😂

[@mckennakessler4961]

No you don’t, you recognize that you are a monogamous individual and recognize why polyamory would personally make you uncomfortable. Sounds like you already unpacked it and it’s valid if you decide it’s okay to put it back without thinking you need to change the contents to be “more open minded”.

[@softwaifu]

​@mckennakessler4961 unpacking literally just means going over the biases and unseen social influences on an opinion. Nothing about the phrase unpacking implies that OP is supposed to come out on the other side with a completely different lifestyle or belief. Chill.

[@bethlovelace7395]

Compersion. Seeing my husband happy, makes me happy. I know I cannot be everything at every time...and it is ok

[@chesneymigl4538]

No, it sounds fine to me. I had this exact discussion with a good friend of mine. She was happy in a monogamous relationship and was curious about mine. She was also seeing jealously as a "bad thing". It's only a bad thing if it actively effects your current relationship. Then it might indicate trust issues, or something that needs to be addressed in the relationship. I told her that as long as she knew that about herself and was true to herself it's fine. I wouldn't expect her to force herself into a poly group, any more than she would expect me to be mono. Personally, my partner and I don't really have jealousy issues, because being poly makes us work. Due to medication I'm on, my libido dropped to almost zero, while his stayed high. Trying to not feel guilty when saying no all the time when he felt bad, or saying yes when I wasn't interested really caused stress on the relationship. Instead of breaking up, he found someone that could satisfy him sexually, and the relief and compersion I felt was wonderful. Now everyone is happy with the set up. The rules are no lying. It's not cheating if you're open about it. "Hey babe, I'm off to see Jane" feels no different that if he said he was going golfing.

[@aimeepearl693]

@jezzieBell666 In my experience, jealousy stems from insecurity, particularly insecurity over whether I'm "accepted" or not. When I work on my insecurity and at the same time receive encouragement from a partner or partners, it goes a long way to helping. And, as previously mentioned, compersion is freaking amazing.

[@anonymixx8106]

Friendly reminder to everyone here that you are allowed to be "polyamonoflux"! Doesnt make you less of either to be open to either based on circumstances ❤

[@nellie__]

better known as: ambiamorous.

[@3Rachelharper]

If I ever decide to get in a relationship again I hope I have one like yours. You two just seem like the absolute best of friends.

[@paigeseliger836]

My intro to anything poly was my now ex telling me that he couldn't stop cheating on me because he thought he might be poly. Glad I sought more information, and that eventually that toxic mess ended. Now, I'm the one who is actually more likely to end up in a happy, healthy, poly relationship, because I can handle the honesty necessary. Having plural partners doesn't mean one isn't enough, or that someone is more needy, and I'm glad you and other respected creators are shining a light on the possibilities

[@fionascheibel977]

Oh boy. This discussion would blow Paul and Morgan's mind. I so hope they find it. Not in order for them to abuse you guys. But because I think Paul and Morgan would benefit from exposure to more of the wider world ways people live rich and meaningful lives.

[@prismo1428]

I don’t even think they would actually listen. Immediately they would label this as like “woke culture trying to justify sin” or something like that. I would expect no critical thinking skills from them lol

[@morgianasartre6709]

It's not like you can tell that people live "rich and meaningful lives" without really knowing them, what someone shows on social media is not nearly enough to make a call like that (albeit people often make that mistake). So it is also very easy to dismiss as not a thing, look at the bad examples, assume people are just lying to themselves and/or to others etc.

[@heyna1185]

⁠@@morgianasartre6709 that‘s kind of a weird way to see it. You can‘t know what someone’s personal life is like based on their social media presence but doesn‘t everyone live a rich and meaningful life in their own way? I think the issue is just that Paul and Morgan would label everything that doesn‘t fit into their world view as wrong and they kinda need to believe everyone who doesn‘t live their type of life is miserable/terrified of hell and just lying to themselves. Whereas people with a more open mind can look at fundamentalist Christians and acknowledge the issues that fundy religions cause while not automatically assuming they can‘t also have rich and meaningful lives.

[@morgianasartre6709]

@@heyna1185 Most people do not live a rich and meaningful life by their own admission though. If you just survey people on the street most will rate their life satisfaction pretty low. Paul and Morgan thinking that there is only one way to achieve true life satisfaction is a separate thing.

[@heyna1185]

@@morgianasartre6709 I guess that depends on how you define those words. I wouldn‘t say you have to be satisfied with your life for it to be rich and meaningful. But I can see how other people interpret it in a different way. I would rate my own life satisfaction somewhere in the middle or the spectrum but I do find my life rich and meaningful because even when bad things happen and with my illnesses and pain, things are happening and there are a lot of emotions. I guess I can think back at a time in which I had no idea what was wrong in my life and I was really depressed and barely doing anything so that time in my life probably wasn‘t very meaningful. But then again, I feel like there‘s always meaningful snippets? Eh, idk. Maybe I‘m just chronically optimistic 😅

[@jenniferpajor5365]

Thank you for this. My sister and her wife are poly but I’ve been embarrassed to ask them about it, especially because my sister has the tendency to get defensive when I ask her about certain things. This gave me a lot of insight and I feel better about opening up a dialogue with her about it without trying to make her feel like I’m condescending or judgmental about her orientation.

[@emma-es9ye]

I love when you guys talk about polyamory!! It’s something I never thought I would resonate with it and you guys have definitely opened my eyes a lot with polyamory!!! Thank you guys for sharing

[@polimana]

i have two long term committed partners, and they have several other committed partners, and we are all doing fabulously 😎🤙🏽 it's been a beautiful journey figuring out how we wanted to each define all of our relationships in respectful and loving ways!!! learning that relationships don't all have to look the same so long as they are built on a solid mutually understood foundation has been a fascinating experience

[@emmapettengill223]

Arron goes “Mickey you know how to talk/explain concepts better than me” and a couple minutes later gives a BEAUTIFULLY scripted word flow of how relationships are ever-evolving, entirely unique between person to person, etc. Mickey is right, he doesn’t give himself enough credit!!

[@lifestylecreep]

Thank you for sharing such a caring, thoughtful, and in-depth discussion on polyamory. ❤

[@eggybaconbits]

I myself don't find myself inclined towards polyamory, I just don't think it resonates with me, but I like learning about it so I can be more understanding of those in my life who are. Like I'm able to keep up with conversations and understand some of the (I guess) etiquette when discussing with them. Its very helpful to hear more perspectives on polyamory as a whole so I can get more of an understanding, so I really appreciate this video.

[@mekkinism]

I think the "time must be spent equally" mindset also presumes that everyone ideally wants the most amount of time possible with the other person. I don't want that. I'd much rather have a partner I see once a week or so.

[@amybrock2592]

I'm in a monogamous relationship but I'm the exception among most of my friends and one side of the family. Most of those relationships are parallel polyamory. I recently went on vacation with a female relative, her husband, her husband's girlfriend and her boyfriend. Her boyfriend has a wife, and his wife has a girlfriend. This is pretty typical in my circle. Your description of how a long-term relationship changes over time and what is rewarding about being in that relationship was brilliant.

[@Leo7moon]

As a swim instructor I'm with Aaron on the water shoes!! Whatever's gonna help the sensory issues while swimming is so worth it, pools are nasty and there's no way I'm getting my feet in there without protection

[@katieglabe919]

What timing! Right before my 1 hour drive, this video goes up! Can’t wait to have you “keeping me company” in the car. 🧡😂

[@aislynnmari]

Water shoes are actually embarrassing though lol 😅 jk I think my thing that feels embarrassing but really isn't embarrassing is... Having a phone call when someone can hear me in the other room. I hate imagining them listening to half a conversation I'm having in my "phone voice."

[@estherroos4908]

And they’re like the most uncomfortable shoes too.

[@brookep4464]

i consider myself somewhere on the aro spectrum but one of the main reasons is the culture of monogamy and that pressure to be EVERYTHING to another person, to fulfill all emotional needs for each other, to be constantly available and to co-mingle your lives is just way too much for me. i find it all so overwhelming. but the way you all describe your approach to relationships sounds so much better and more realistic. everyone has different wants and needs and allowing the parameters of your relationship to change based on that just makes sense? i doubt i would ever be interested in being in relationships with multiple people but the thought of dating someone knowing they have other partners sounds... kinda nice actually? that takes some of that pressure off in my mind knowing that my hypothetical partner is getting their needs met in multiple ways by multiple people and it's not solely on my shoulders? yeah, i think i could get on board with that!

[@laggie2492]

Yes, I love that more people think like this! Me and my wife are polyamorous and she has a long distance girlfriend who I’m good friends with. They have a set date night on Fridays where they hop on discord and hang out and we also have Mondays where we all hang and bond together so I’m still kept in the loop. It’s really really nice knowing that I will always have time for myself on Fridays to chill out and not have to worry about my wife being lonely and what not. She’s really good at making sure she spends as much time with each of us as we need and I look up to her a lot in that regard. I struggle with time management so I don’t know how another relationship would look like for me but I think a once a week kind of relationship would work well for me if I had another partner, especially if they had other partners that could fill their needs on a more regular basis.

[@katietoole8345]

It sounds like your idea of introducing your metamores is much like introducing a new partner to your kids. You wanna make sure that this is a good egg and your pretty sure it's going to stick for at least a while.

[@kimberlybega8271]

It made me think of introducing your significant other to your family. Usually you want a certain level of seriousness first.

[@kimberlybega8271]

I am definitely monogamous and it doesn't sound like polyamory is for me but this was a very educational episode! My one best friend is poly (I had never heard of it until he "came out" to me as poly) but he is in a closed relationship with two other people. So they are closer to the "throuple" idea except I'm not sure if the two metamours have a romantic interest in each other. But they all dream about someday buying a house and raising kids together. So this was educational that not everyone has a set-up like that. My question for Mickey is...does being poly change how you try to counsel individuals/couples who are trying to heal from the aftermath of infidelity? How do you react if someone tries to use "it's because I'm poly" when really they were just cheating and their other partner finally caught them?

[@jadelinny]

One of the major tenants of poly culture is informed consent. It is absolutely possible for a poly person to cheat, if they are not being honest and open with their other partners. So whether or not the cheating partner is poly would be irrelevant, because their partner had agreed to be in a closed monogamous relationship, not a poly one. If they cheating partner wanted to explore polyamory, they would need to get their partner's agreement BEFORE any other connections were made.

[@sasamafrass]

Honestly this kind of reminds me of a "I found out I was the other person" reddit compilation. A couple of the stories where basically the original couple was poly but that was not conveyed to the new partner so when they found out they were "the other person" I would consider that cheating because the new partner had no idea the relationship was not monogamous.

[@mediocreartiste]

I’ve been having a really rough week so this episode coming out is such good timing, the vibes are always so chill :]

[@ShalaLicia]

As someone in a monogamous relationship, I've long-time suffered from deep feelings of insecurity that take away my sense of security within my relationship. This video was really healing to me in terms of helping me re-frame my mindset toward a place of love and respect rather than ownership or control. Thank you!

[@NicoleM_radiantbaby]

This should be interesting to watch, as my wife and I've been poly for going on 20 years now and neither of us have even been in a throuple during that whole time (despite so many people thinking that's all that poly is -- especially back when my wife was pre-transition and people thought she was just a guy trying to 'trick me into threesomes' to get to other women 🙄 ). In fact, we only ever dated the same person once (at the same time, at least -- we did have one girlfriend that I dated friend and she dated afterwards), but even then we tended to go on dates with her separately. In fact, the same thing happened years before when I dated another couple, where I went on dates with the husband and wife separately. But yeah, TL;DR, mostly my wife and I just go on dates with other people and that's rarely someone we BOTH date, so definitely not any throuples.

[@ab6525]

This was super interesting! I've been curious about how poly relationships work for a long time. I guess a lot of my misconceptions came from not realizing how diverse the setups can be. Really happy for you guys ❤

[@estherroos4908]

My partner is monogamous but I’m not sure if I’m polyamorous. I’ve always loved the idea of a throuple or something like that. But I just don’t know if that would work in my relationship. I don’t want to force my partner to do anything.

[@gerbil_is_typing]

Wanted to chime in as a queer, neurodivergent, and polyam person with C-PTSD from an ex relationship (that was monogamous). I live with my partner and metamour, and have gone through many of the uncomfortable feelings that people fear experiencing. After years of self-care work, I have a stable and good sense of security and support. I often hear concern about jealousy, and I think it's because it's considered a negative emotion. But jealousy is just another feeling, and feelings aren't inherently moral/immoral. Jealousy is certainly uncomfortable, but it's not a constant state of being. Trauma can really warp the sense of time, so I have to remind myself that I'll move through the feeling soon. If it does feel like a constant state, then something concrete might need adjustment. But feelings like jealousy are not inherent red flags. I don't hear people worry as much about experiencing jealousy regarding friends or other relationships. I think we fear potential harm, which is valid, and that's maybe something to unpack personally, depending on the context, rather than viewing it as a moral shortcoming.

[@kannakanina6552]

40:25 Might I suggest using the term “negotiated disclosure” or “disclosure tolerance”with the qualifiers of semi-disclosure, complete disclosure, non-disclosure and so on? Some people don’t want, for example, certain kinks or graphic details disclosed but want to know time was spent and how intimate it was. This would be “negotiated semi-disclosure” If they are ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ (and have negotiated this dynamic), it would be ‘negotiated complete non-disclosure’ My relationships fall into the kitchen table camp, but I have encountered people all across the ‘disclosure comfort spectrum.’ How much is disclosed to whom and by when are important negotiations for me to establish before getting involved for the physical and mental safety of all partners and metamours in my relational ecosystem. There’s nothing wrong with any position on that spectrum as long as it’s possible for all metamours with connecting partners to have the level of disclosure they require without anyone crossing any boundaries. I specify ‘negotuated’ vs ‘non-negotiated’ to leave room for people who have not had intentional discussions about disclosure. I could possibly navigate a relationship with someone who has negotiated semi or complete non-disclosure with an existing partner, but someone who has not yet negotiated their ‘disclosure tolerance’ with their partner or considered it themselves is a hard limit for me. I’m not sure I’ve heard anyone describe things this way, but it’s how I sort things out in my poly brain. 🥰

[@ceres090]

I want to hear more about Ace polycules. That sounds awesome.

[@VWHybrid]

Right!?! I would love a deep dive on Ace relationship variety. I was on the Ace subreddit and legitimately had someone arguing with me that Ace people couldn’t be poly, and I was like, seriously?

[@PinkSlip091]

Love love love this dialogue it’s a breath of fresh air to see a theraptist/podcast but also seeing you guys as human and normalizing certain things. Also I watched your episodes and made a comment of “omg the talking over each haha” my partner and I do this but it was so hard to pay attention to you both and I was cackling because it’s something my partner and I are working on.Mickey responded with a “….” But deleted it so I deleted my comment because I didn’t want it to come off as a insult and I thought she took it that way!!😂😂but I love you guys the most!!! Just wanted to clarify! If this gets read! Haha

[@alicianwinter]

question: what’s the “end game” with these added relationships? say you’ve been seeing someone for years or fall in love?

[@MaryamMaqdisi]

They mentioned being against the relationship escalator, as in, the expectation to keep escalating a relationship (dating -> moving in together -> marriage -> raising children), while I'm monogamous I believe the idea is to simply spend time with those new SOs, cultivate intimacy and love, enjoy each other. You know, like when we date monogamously, just no need to legally marry or form a traditional family structure. My spouse and I are childfree and while we can't predict the future it is unlikely that will change, and the thing I enjoy the most is hanging out with them, talking with them, going out on dates, sharing hobbies... So I imagine poly people may do the same things but with more than one partner. No mystery there.

[@laine80]

I love your collaborative overlapping! Y’all are adorable and are total relationship goals for my 43yo ass 😂

[@andeddoberubetto]

Man, I really struggle with keeping an open mind about polyamory. I mean, if it works for other people, that's totally great -- nothing to do with me. But whenever I think of it for myself, it just sounds like you want friends that you can boink. And I'm like ... blegh.

[@DrDroog29]

Yeah that’s me personally too. I get it and I’m happy for them, but every time someone wants to fill what their partner can’t, it’s always just like a friendship to me that people over complicate. And in fact, as a monogamous person I’ve never even remotely considered whether my partner was ‘enough.’ My partner is absolutely enough, and we don’t have to share every single hobby to be exclusive. We are two different people. I do believe that instead of just making your partner have another romantic relationship in order to not feign interest in their personal hobbies, maybe just do what you would with anyone- actually give them the time of day to entertain their interests? Idk.

[@Zosio]

As much as my bisexual ass loves the idea of polyamory, I don't think I have the emotional maturity/intelligence to really make that work. I've always been skeptical about the concept. So, I really appreciate these explanations and getting to see a healthy perspective of it. All that to say, thanks for taking the time to help other people understand what I'm assuming is a pretty personal topic.

[@AltSpaceTarot]

Whooooo! I’m early 😊 love you guys together, it’s fun to listen while I’m working, feels like I’m laughing and chatting with friends

[@TheDarwinProject1]

Mickey had me IRL LOLing when she said (5:10): "To be clear, before we get into this though, Aaron & I are not *'fucking experts in polyamory'*." Well, I for one didn't expect the polyamorous community had ratings & titles, like "expert", let alone that you would share such a title online! I think this is a one discussion where you dont need to be rated as an expert to contribute, but rather experience is enough! /s

[@lo1986yyc]

I'm sorry if I missed it but I'm really curious about how you transitioned your relationship into polyamory to make sure that you were caring for your current relationship! Appreciate you being so open about this either way :)

[@JemRochelle]

I feel like this is a stupid question, but, how is the veto power rule ultimately different from someone ending a monogamous relationship in a way that feels out of the blue for the person being broken up with? Like, you don't need someone else's consent to break up with them, so what is actually different in a ploy veto context?

[@aislynnmari]

I asked the universe today to send a surprise that challenges me mentally... so ok ok ok I'm listening 😅

[@pterodactylpie8825]

I have yet to reach a city where the dating app experience miraculously gets better 😅

[@ktculbreth9961]

Thank you for this; I’m realizing I need to process the grief from my first relationship where I was out as poly from the beginning. He told me he accepted me being poly and was open to my exploration and meeting people. When I eventually met a new partner, I told him all about my feelings and desire to move forward, and asked whether he wanted to meet them. He started accusing me of not loving him, requiring a compulsive amount of reassurance, and interrogating where I was in the new relationship. When I told him I had sex with the new partner, he accused me of cheating on him and tried to pressure me to attend couples’ counseling to “repair the cheating.” Eventually, he broke up with me. Part of me knows I didn’t cheat on him and was very transparent about my feelings, but it’s healing to hear that he was not entitled to my private information or treating me that way. I’m still with the new partner and we have been monogamous, partially because I’m so exhausted from the hurt. I hope moving forward can be as beautiful and lifegiving for me as it seems to be for y’all!

[@aimeepearl693]

Time is by far the hottest commodity in polyam relationships! But the beauty of polyamory to me is that there's no one way. And I fully agree that equity is valuable over equality. Not always an easy concept to grasp.

[@TheGhostieZone]

I might not finish this but the title alone has me so interested. I'm polyam I know a ton of other polyam people I've been in relationships like the title. I was friends with my partners other partner.

[@TheGhostieZone]

We broke up but for like unrelated reasons

[@-shenanigans.]

Thank you for more polyamory representation! Keep it coming, let's normalize doing relationships in a way that works best for you and your partner(s).

[@Brp220]

I couldn’t not hear that “you’re not enough and that’s ok” book title but this is such an exponentially better take on that concept 😂❤

[@lisalamb5448]

HAHAHA you two are a delight, on so many levels. I love each of you for so many reasons!

[@garydavis5807]

I love hearing you both ramble and bounce off eachothers ideas. Beautifulll💫

[@vicktoryscreech]

i just love y’all sm. i love this podcast

[@fionascheibel977]

I think the Don't ask Don't tell thing for me would be lived out like the difference between secrecy and privacy. I live my wider life as what I do is private. But it isn't secret. So if I was in a co habitation relationship as a sexual or just house share I'd always be letting the other person know a general time when I expect to be back at the house and the general geographic area I'm going to. So if I'm local or further away. And if I'm contactable in an emergency or if I'm contactable for general info sharing That way I feel like I am respecting all people who care about me and are effected by what I'm doing on a particular day or night. But that is just how I personally like to live my life. I'm not currently living with another human. So I don't need to stress about what someone else chooses to do about sharing where they are and what they are doing.

[@gerbil_is_typing]

I appreciate your insight about communication boundaries. I think that is super helpful, especially with neurodivergent partners. The more clearly expectations are communicated, the better :)

[@softwaifu]

This is exactly how my husband is, my partner is the type to airdop their exact location for fear of getting kidnapped or just general emergency situations 😆 I love how different everyone is!

[@amberfuchs398]

So glad to see a conversation loke this on polyamory! Helpful vocab: compersion/mudita/freudenfreude = "joy for another's joy"

[@jemmabelle946]

Aaron turns the hose on in the yard... Gotta be wearing water shoes!

[@ExtraordinaryMachine333]

So much info here, thank you! Will definitely listen again. Do have a question though--how does Polyamory without sex work? I didn't know that's a thing and I'm having a "mind BLOWN" reaction. Thanks for being fun and vulnerable and informative as always

[@JanelleC]

Polyamory is being able to and open to having multiple close relationships, and each one is whatever you make it. They can involve sex or not, they can involve cuddling/snuggling, and they can also be asexual or aromantic! It’s all about clear and honest communication and making each relationship what you agree it will be (or that you’re figuring it out as you go).

[@heyna1185]

I mean just imagine everything else you do in a relationship minus the sex lol

[@softwaifu]

I'm asexual 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@cefy3117]

How do you look for the poly community locally?

[@heysaras]

Polyamory and open relationships are just not for me - they would add unnecessary complexity to my life and further divide my focus. Maybe I’m too “lazy”, but if others find they want to do that, they are welcome to it. I’ve known only two polyamorous couples and they were actively looking for lovers or a girlfriend for their male partner/husband. One was trying to seduce my husband, the other trying to recruit me to date her husband. Although I liked the one woman and was considering hanging out with her…group? it just seemed like opening a can of worms. and nothing about their relationships struck me as desirable. They seemed lost or bored and literally searching even though they each had a committed partner(s). I personally view it as more effort than it’s worth. Where my spouse isn’t a perfect match in areas of my life, I have friends without needing to make them lovers. I prefer the comparatively fewer rules and drama of monogamy even though polygamy sounds exciting for a season of life perhaps. I wonder if you’ll get sick of the dating process at some point. Or is the goal multiple monogamous partners? Hmmmm.

[@coda3223]

For me, as a polysaturated polyam person, it's more about flexibility for each relationship and all partners that fully respects and honors the autonomy and needs for each person, no matter how things might change for them/me throughout life. Like, while I'm polysaturated at the moment (primarily because my disabilities take up a lot of my energy, so no energy for actively dating new people), if my partner of 15+ years finds something with someone else that makes them happy, then I want them to explore that and benefit from that. I love seeing people who I love experiencing love and joy (sympathetic joy - mudita). If the partner that I live with goes through a phase where they need more space (or if I need space) to focus on selfcare and self-work, then I want to maintain whatever relationship we are both available for and which is healthful for both of us - no matter what that looks like. There are so many unvoiced (sometimes unconscious) expectations with monogamy, it can really interfere with the flexibility it takes to actually do life together (and all the chaos that entails).

[@lawliet6910]

I'm aroace so I can't speak to much of anything involved here, but I resonate with your take. I don't know... I feel like people should pursue others in the sense of friendship, but if it invokes a lot of jealousy and requires that much extra communication and drama, it's just like, why? But I don't see anyone "that way" (as a romantic or sexual prospect) so I guess it's easy for me to say that friendship is superior.

[@NicoleM_radiantbaby]

@@coda3223 This is so much my experience as well! (And definitely why poly has always worked much better for me than monogamy)

[@gerbil_is_typing]

There are many rules in monogamy that can make for plenty of drama (which I interpret as harm). It's just that more people means more direct and clear communication. I think all relationships benefit from mutually agreed upon boundaries. In any relationship, I don't recommend assuming that you're on the same page about everything without ever acknowledging it. It's harm reduction.

[@softwaifu]

Not all monogamous relationships are healthy or seem desirable from the outside. Polyamory doesn't have to be perfect to be valid. I'd rather have a conversation every couple weeks than be constantly worrying about whether I'm getting cheated on, for example, because I can reductively say that's all I see in monogamy because all monogamous people I know have been cheated on - no exaggeration.

[@ellismartiskainen7729]

I really appreciated this episode!! I've been poly for a little while and you guys had some good advice and framing on insecurity and negotiations etc. :)

[@cephalopodder]

Water parks are gross as shit, please feel free to wear the water shoes

[@crystal3850]

I love the McNuggs art on the wall between you two. Ifykyk.

[@patray162]

Oh, water socks...Aaron - nowadays I think they look just fine, why the heck not, and they can prevent injuries (slip/fall and lacerations), making folks more comfortable enjoying water activities & safer on both slippery and rough surfaces. Wonderful! As a kid, I ran over coral I didn't see & sliced the bottom of my foot into two pieces...decades of dealing with nerve damage and a messed-up gait... But on the other hand: I have *NO RAGRETS!!* There was no way in sweet hell I would be seen in them back then. Love bare feet too much as well. I do really wonder what it is about water socks that makes them so mortifying...it's very real, though I fully support their use 🙂

[@Tijggie82]

About the ownership thing, that's why I can't marry someone. I know I'm quite monogamous myself, but I don't want someone who is tied to me through marriage, I want someone who chooses to be with me, rather than feel forced to be with me. I think I'll just do anniversary celebrations though, I do like the parties ;) .

[@gina2641]

This. I’m into the idea of long term partnership, but I see marriage as the ultimate patriarchy system

[@lorelei619]

I love your podcast so much. Listened to it while working on a blanket for my partner 🙂 I also used to live in NOLA and you are making me miss it so much.

[@SenoritaSevilla]

Thank you for making this! I have several poly friends and it’s good to have more background. I’m super monogamous so it’s helpful to learn more and try to understand where my friends are coming from.

[@maxfreer6455]

4:05 "It had to hide somewhere..." killed me lol

[@JazzMasoud]

I'm not sure if this counts because I genuinely don't know if it's considered embarrassing or not but I get embarrassed when my stomach growls when I'm hungry.

[@literallywhy6162]

The way I’d describe the structure that y’all give for your relationship is kitchen table but it takes some time and commitment to get a seat at the table

[@Aceman52]

I didn't realize that I was in a polyamourous relationship until a couple of years ago. I know it sounds weird, but I guess we (myself, my wife, and her boyfriend) didn't really have a term for it.

[@claredriscoll5092]

water shoes are essential for the beach or lake or any place where critters might be underfoot in the water.

[@katietoole8345]

Would you feel different about the kill switch if you thought "Sarah" was unhealthy for Aaron? If it seemed like she were making him miserable or the relationship was toxic? I'm genuinely curious.

[@kezia8027]

personally, I don't think it should matter. You can voice your concerns, but at the end of the day I wouldn't consider it healthy to be making major life decisions FOR your partner. You can make suggestions, or recommendations, or raise concerns, but at the end of the day, they need to make their own decisions, and that includes being allowed to make their own mistakes.

[@gerbil_is_typing]

Imo, kill switches are like demands over someone else's agency. I am not the parent of my partner, I don't get to exert my authority over their choices. I *can* and *should* determine boundaries for myself. How am I being hurt? If it's relevant to how my partners' treatment of me has changed, or I am concerned for their well-being, then that needs to be communicated. If it can't be reconciled, then perhaps our partnership doesn't work for me anymore. But ultimatums don't really repair relationships, they tend to just amplify resentment.

[@SpookyScaryBats]

This video is great! It puts into words my views on polyamory. I lean more towards garden party/parallel poly.

[@c1nnamodoll]

oh man, i needed to hear some of this 😭i'm not sure if i'd ever be poly, i've never dated anyone (18yo) and the thought of it scares me, mostly because i know i'll never feel like im the bet person for my partner to be with, and that there will always be someone out there who could replace me and be better. i had no idea this could be rooted in that patriarchal 'ownership' monogomy is instilled in us to have, thank you for this

[@polimana]

damn the "seat at the table" thing is so real😬😬a struggle for me to learn as i can tend to be way too open. recently had an experience like that where i trusted somebody with access to my thoughts, my actual home, intimate access generally. then got my trust wreckedddd!! rough cuz i really thought i could trust them, and my ability to trust has been kinda marred since them. not a vibe yall listen up about the chairs and the tables fr

[@lifestylecreep]

Second! 😭 You're not alone. We owe ourselves kindness and grace to learn. ❤

[@janetvanderbent1863]

Water shoes for life.

[@heyna1185]

I just realized that I have kinda been in a poly relationship before. My first girlfriend lived on a different continent and we never got to meet up irl. She had a much higher sex drive than me and she had a much higher desire for physical intimacy that I just don‘t really have and obviously wasn‘t able to provide to her over the phone or text. So we agreed that she could hook up with people, at least until we would get to be together physically. The only rules I wanted her to abide by was for it to be sexual only and not romantic and I didn’t want to know about it. For me, that was it and I was fine. Until a few weeks in, she told me about a hookup she had and how bad it had felt because she felt like she cheated on me. It was honestly really disappointing because her sleeping with someone else was something we explicitly agreed on but then she went against one of the two rules I insisted on to protect myself emotionally and ruined it for me. I honestly do feel like she cheated on me in some way. Not by hooking up with the guy, but by disrespecting my rule to be left out of it.

[@DrDroog29]

Poly doesn’t resonate with me because all of the reasons for getting ‘enough’ out of your partner in ways your partner can’t give is where I just have friends. I feel like more romantic relationships for me personally would just complicate the idea of bonding with a friend over ‘plants’ as the example goes. I have zero interest in romantically attaching to anyone but one person, and I love romance with my partner as a singularity. I do understand polyamory though and am super happy people are exploring it.

[@coastalcrab3]

are the cutest!

[@kaeriangrin5149]

I see every relationship seperate in that way, that the concept of this specific connection is up to the both of us. Same goes with relationships my partners have. I approach them each individually. There are metamours/friends/connections that I want to engage with and there are some people I don't. It worked for me so far... :D The communication part is SO important in every relationship we could engage with. And this applies to every human being there is. Everything we learn about healthy communication in polyamory is also important in other relationship concepts and constellations. 😁

[@norashank1721]

So do you guys ever openly roam dating apps together/side by side?

[@pbandpudge]

My spouse and I are not polyamourous but I fully support it if that's what both people want ❤ as long as both are informed and consent I don't see the issue

[@imymcginty]

Random take that neither of you asked for: Being a hinge as a submissive is ~hard. Like I have to do so much 'management' of my relationships while simultaneously being submissive to one partner. It's a constant system of checking myself to make sure that I'm not letting my Dominant partner control my relationship with my non-Dominant partner. Especially when my non-Dominant partner would be my nesting partner if we were closer in person. I'm fascinated listening to this conversation with you both - thank you for covering it! Edited to add: Not to infantilize adults... but sometimes introducing my partner to a potential partner feels like introducing a potential partner to a child... you have to make sure that you are pretty solid with that person and pretty sure they're meant to be there in a more substantial way before you bring them to meet someone that is so important to you. Like I've been getting to know a potential Dominant partner, and my non-Dominant partner knows that I am getting to know people, but no one has been brought to meet him yet. I have to be sure there's something there before I introduce the awkwardness. xD

[@Uneclipsed]

Aaron, if you’re embarrassed about your water shoes, let’s get you some cool hiking sandals instead. 😂 You can protect your feeties in ✨style✨

[@softwaifu]

I havent seen all the podcasts on polyamory so maybe i missed it, but in the spirit of decolonizing therapy it would be really beautiful to hear a discussion on the racial and cultural normativity of monogamy and how it can hurt people who are actually practicing their culture in their relationship styles. I'm really interested in this from a care provider perspective ❤

[@kameronwilliams334]

I have his shirt and I LOVE IT SOOOO MUCH!!

[@arielrodriguez968]

I’m monogamous but definitely open to the idea of polyamory. I think it can be very healthy.

[@softwaifu]

I like seeing people talk about polyamory more because im hoping it will help normalize my family so we dont get laughed at by labor & delivery nurses and all the other little microaggressions. I also love love seeing people of ALL ages talk about expanding their relationship definitions and horizons. As a word of caution to those in the comments: most people talking about this on social media are new to it. It is an invaluable resource to have someone who has been polyam for awhile and has been living that life and gone through the growing pains and everything else that you can ask questions of and advice from. Things like "how do we fill out our kids' birth certificates or do our taxes?" that people in their first experiences with polyamory just wouldn't know ❤ forums like reddit and facebook groups are good places to find those people.

[@EmArTea]

“Throuple” is the WORST word, made worse by “triad” predating it and being a less ick word for a three-person relationship

[@TheArcaneMaster]

Strongly recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taramino

[@bethlovelace7395]

I'm about half way thru the video, so forgive me if this is covered, but do yall think polyamory is a choice or not? Is it a situation like homosexuality?

[@DanSlaughter85]

I feel extremely guilty that it bothers me in an odd way. Like you do you it's not my business but it leaves an itch in my brian. Especially when it comes to my "Baby Gay". Im not sure why but i feel so guilty about that feeling that I can't quite identify it yet. As always i still have work to do. Im perfectly imperfect.

[@heyna1185]

I have very mixed feelings on polyamory overall. I kinda wish I had been born into a society in which romantic relationships were treated in a similar way as friendships. I feel like it would probably be better for most people. But I‘ve had this idea that you can only have one partner that you are 100% committed to and who is 100% committed to you so ingrained in me that it‘s really hard for me to imagine a poly relationship without intense jealousy and heartbreak. Another issue is I really glorify the idea of partnership/being a team. I don‘t even know if it has to be romantic and/or sexual for me, I could honestly see myself becoming best friends with an aro/ace person but I have this intense craving to have this one person who I can have that “us against the world“ dynamic with. It‘s quite hypocritical of me to say this because right now I hold equal amounts and intensity of love for my closests friends, my mom and my ex/fwb/best friend who I am still in love with (it‘s complicated 😅). And I am quite happy being single and not romantically or sexually involved with anyone right now. And yet I still hope that the guy I‘m in love with won‘t fall for someone else because I‘m scared that that would make our bond less deep or he would lose interest in me. I am kind of hopeful though that maybe I will become more chill about this in time because these feelings I have towards polyamory remind me a lot of the internalized transphobia I had when I realized I was trans and before, during and even for a while after I came out. I had this glorified idea in my head of being a man in a relationship with another man because for some reason I found the idea of being in a gay relationship very validating. It was probably just because it was the type of person represented in media that felt closest to how I felt. Over time, I came to terms with the fact that I am neither a woman nor a man and that a relationship is supposed to be about the bond you have with another person and not a tool to feel validated in your own identity. Maybe I will make a similar development in regards to polyamory. It‘s not even my goal to be polyamorous but I just don’t like this glorified expectation/view I have on monogamous relationships.

[@raypelser7606]

59:00 my grandparents house 😂

[@kaitlynashleyful]

This gave me the language and information to navigate a conversation with my partner and I feel such a weight of stress off my shoulders. We are poly and I didn't know how to tell him about my other person but I didn't know how to ask him what he was comfortable knowing. It was enough and he loves me so much and knowing that I can love so much and be loved so much is kind of the best part of surviving this long. Thanks guys. Fr fr.

[@_negentropy_]

SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. First of all, this was such a gorgeous conversation. Your respect and love for each other is truly beautiful to witness. Q: Im a PsyD student and hope to work with neuro and gender diverse kids and adults and I’m curious if as a therapist who is familiar with polyamory if you’ve noticed any advantages of poly relationship structures for high functioning ASD adults?

[@Raddiebaddie]

Hi! This isn’t directly to answer your question just wanted to caution you that neurodiverse folks have largely moved away from saying “high/low functioning” and specify more directly high support needs or low support needs

[@feralcatlady9249]

You're also into astrology! 💜 already a fan but extra love now

[@ryguy56]

tldr: yea. also running in the rain feels SO embarrassing

[@raypelser7606]

40:21 I know you guys as american are still struggling with the whole gay marriage thing but I can't relate cuz in South Africa you can marry more then one person regardless of gender

[@allie54774]

Hey I wear those water shoes if I'm going in the sea....I don't want some creature stinging my foot 😅🥺

[@AdelMyBell]

It's is not cheating if it is part or the rules. My rule is tell me! Partner doesn't want to know!

[@b1gmacsauc3]

I hate that Aaron can barely finish a sentence before Mickey jumps in omg. Can Aaron finish their thought before you interrupt? Even the “yeah YEAH YEA” is driving me crazy

[@sapphyre8646]

So cool to see more people talking about poly! Though coming from an almost 13 year thruple, it's called thruple 😝

[@heathercoon3451]

You guys just have an awesome relationship.