Can You Still Be Friends or Maintain Contact with an Affair Partner?

Today Samuel answers a viewers question about still communicating with an affair partner after the affair is over.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@ajisenramen888]

Definition of “friend” - someone who has your best interests at heart and wants you to be the best person you can be. Affair partner is by definition not NOT a “friend”. They are accomplices. Partners in crime etc

[@alinabrito8576]

Exactly

[@Sailendranath_Thakur]

Excellent point of view.

[@niki91c30]

🙌

[@DolceIbarra]

Perfect. He always called her a friend. One with benefits of course. I was “controlling” to say there could be no us with her around. He didn’t agree. I divorced him.

[@Softsoul.]

Not if the affair partner did not know

[@DolceIbarra]

And this is why we are now divorced. Final 2years ago, he approached me asking if I ever thought of trying again and when I told him that, no… I just spent the last few years wrapping my head and heart around the fact that our 30+ years is a wrap, he said “If there’s truly nothing left between us I might as well call her. A good and true friend is better than a hopeless relationship.” He’s still so clueless.

[@elizabethbetsy1]

Do people who have affairs really think there is any reason at all to maintain contact? You are losing your family!! Your kids will suffer the excruciating pain of divorce. Family is so much more meaningful than whatever you have with this person. You literally are handing your family over to darkness and pain. Don't believe the lie that this new relationship will ever be worth giving up your family. You will regret it and have to live with the pain you heaped on your children. Do not believe the lie that your family isn't worth it. They are so worth it!!!!

[@yellow.marisa]

Elizabeth Liz Amen!

[@mikeyswatergirl6695]

Elizabeth Liz so true. And so apparent to the Betrayed but sometimes it’s like the Unfaithful has blinders on. They truly do act like a person on drugs or with a mental illness. It takes time to see the big picture.

[@jhn146A]

Amen Elizabeth could not have said it better myself.

[@roylenekornovich3267]

Absolutely agree with every word!!! 👍🏻👏🏼

[@FaithJoelle55]

Beautifully said, my feelings exactly.

[@PC-dc1kv]

Under NO circumstances should the unfaithful maintain ANY contact with the AP!!! I can’t stress that enough.

[@charlesdwilson2112]

This is my problem for me also. I get hit with it weekly. Best wishes to all who have to deal with this.

[@aprilmurray1080]

NO F$$$@@@ WAY!!

[@ErinScholl]

What makes it impossible is when they share an AC.

[@richcar3434]

@@aprilmurray1080 this video could have been as short as what you wrote here!

[@user-rb7ns9yj5y]

What are you supposed to do if they work in the same field and might havd to be professional with one another ?

[@emsrusty846]

Thanks for the video. My wife of 8 years confessed to being unfaithful with a lifelong friend of hers to me. When I told her she must cut all ties with him forever for us to rebuild our marriage and seek counseling , she has so far refused. I will not accept him being a part of her life; period. I don’t think that that is an unreasonable request. Your video definitely helped reinforce my position thanks .

[@LoveiDora]

You aren’t being unreasonable. Thank goodness this video reiterates it for you. Take care of yourself

[@somethingdifferent4u247]

Truest words ever spoken.

[@larrygragg8529]

Same happened to me. I caught my wife of 22 years cheating with a lifelong friend. When I told her she must cut all ties she got upset about it, but finally realized after a couple of days why it had to happen for us to move forward.

[@ivanaltamar84]

I was going out with a friend thtas we just fall in love she's been marry for 20 years this year marry to an big dump asshole never value her he had cheating way several times they have 4 kids together he even left the house and left the family there to continue with his affair me N my friend we reconnect after 20 years live its amazing causality she found me.on Facebook and we started talking normally I had a girlfriend and she was telling about her situation really sad to hear because she doesn't deserve any of that. now when we star talking I told her thta she has to thi about her as well but she's weak she doesn't think she thinks about the kods kids are 19 17 14 12 they already big they guy runs the house cause she just started working so I told her to star moving on long story short I left my girlfriend because some issues we had I was along I continued talking to my friend and since I was in love 20 years ago I star feeling the same way even more we started something nobody knew till her husband find out he's freaking funny cause he does what he does bit she can find her happiness now the guy wants her back after a 1 whole year we spend together she left to try 2 months later she went after me we agian spend 6 months together till the guy continues now using his kids to get her at all cost she comes ro meand tell me this she has ro go back this she need ro be with her kids since she left the house where all live she doesn't love this guys she just feel force for the kids qhen she can even move out and star working thigs out u don't have to b with this prick thta doesn't deserve u she has my support and her family support but since his using his kids she don't know she just went back it's been 5 month's she left me no contact we broke up in August in Oct she try to reach me the from there every month til now I had to stop her telling her this is not good for me because I love her like crazy im.just freaking piss she can be strong to live a guy who doesn't show u love and caring she a fucking selfish rat and she's bblind and honestly I can be like this I told her do u thing figure it out when u free cantalk for now better this way its unbelievable I'm sad I can't sleep like right now every day eventide can't stop thinking of her how hapoy we were and how happy we can be if she does the right thing but been there with this guy just dor the kods its a misery.. I need ur advise pleaseee I know if is mean robe it will b i love her she just confuse and need to be strong to get out..

[@bpschilt1]

Of course not. In my circumstance the affair partner was my sister. and to top it off she also seduced my other sisters husband. I'm living a lonely life right now. I have no contact with my sisters and not much with other family members because I have found out others knew about this for years. I have quite a story. My life will never be the same 💔 but I know God loves me even in the midst of all this anger.

[@lucyfannn7863]

Sandra Schilt oh my gosh.. just when you thought your situation was horrible, someone else has it way worse. I am truly sorry that this has happened to you. there is truly no rhyme or reason why a human being let alone your own flesh and blood sister should treat someone so maliciously.. May God have mercy on her soul.. smh

[@Sailendranath_Thakur]

God bless you.

[@JaqoBlaque]

❤️❣️❤️

[@shaneydavy16]

I am in the exact same situation

[@sashagonzalez6997]

I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking

[@xoxo-vp7ww]

The more I heal, the more outlandish all of this becomes. I will NEVER forgive cheating again. But, it’s even more egregious for someone to expect to carry on with their AP, tuh! The audacity!! People pls roll up your doormat and start your healing process because this is NOT the way you should be treated at all. Smh

[@reyreyy2583]

This video validates I’m doing the right thing. After 13 years together, we tried to reconcile but he remained in contact with this other person. His wording “ I figured we could work something out…. “I calmly walked out, never looking back. Enough is enough.

[@danir7581]

The affair partner has no place in your marriage. No right to be there.

[@susanfinlay24]

My husband had affair 13yrs ago. Since then we have still had many fights due to them still contacting each other. He never thought he was doing wrong as the actual affair was over. I have had so many emotions over the years and every time I found out then it’s always an apology to say it won’t happen again. Then the affair woman had another affair with my husband’s best friend. When that didn’t work out she contacted my husband in tears to tell him about it as she said she was worried about their friendship. When I found out about this it has brought all the emotions back again knowing that they had been in contact again. I now want to divorce him after 37 yrs of marriage as I don’t think I can go through this again even though he says that he absolutely promises to never contact her again and he has told her that. I’m at my wits end of

[@mariefricchione437]

So sorry you dealt with this betrayal all those years. He’s a liar. Not gonna give her up. You cannot compete with a woman who your husband can’t leave alone. Get therapy for just yourself. Good luck and blessings.

[@jake8748]

My wifes affair destroyed so many of my enjoyments. Anything that triggers memories of it gives me anxiety and depression. She's maintained a little contact with the AP (as far as I know its very little anyway) but I still don't trust her again and I struggle daily because there's constant reminders and she seems oblivious to my pain and emotions.

[@mikaelzurich6166]

Why are you still trying with her?

[@dan-lansingmi9169]

I continue to struggle with reminders of my wife’s affair. The reminders will never go away. It is how you deal with reminders.

[@UnAnonKnown]

It may hurt the unfaithful and the affair partner to go cold turkey, but if you don’t then you’re hurting the betrayed partner. And the betrayed partner has suffered enough. If you choose the betrayed partner, you must choose them in every way every single day. Do not let them suffer for a moment longer on your behalf, and certainly not on the behalf of the affair partner.

[@19katsandcounting]

This all just seems like too much work, and easier to just let go of these abusers.

[@icvideos1621]

I'm sure my grandmother would have, if she had had the financials means and not religious convictions. Some people are not able to leave.

[@nerdalertfreakfinster6684]

Thank you Samuel. The videos you share are truly comforting. Hearing your story and the advice you have to offer is really helpful. Having my painful feelings validated here is really helping me to heal. Thanks again 💙

[@leeballestrin5142]

This is exactly how it is ....thank you for explaining the things that I feel...Lee

[@tthomas]

Exactly...what ever you feed lives..

[@TheOlmonroe1]

Tara Thomas.... FACTS!!!

[@milomazli]

Aaaah!! such a wanted video!!! right?!! Im starting to watch now. Cant wait! :)

[@1949coupe]

I am just going through this. When I agreed to forgive and reconcile last year, I told her that she needed to stop seeing him because he was an existential threat to our marriage because he would do anything to prevent our reconcilation since he wanted to be with her. But, I reluctantly agreed she could keep contact on a business matter they were working on together. That was supposed to be the exeption. Background: he's a skilled mid´-50s narcissist, who love bombed, pressured and controlled her. He pulled out all the stops, using love, sympathy, guilt, etc. tactics to keep her engaged. He became very demanding and needy of her time. Long story short, I caught her meeting up with and communicating with him. He was spending every minute he could trying to get her to leave me. Needless to say she was a mess because she was being pulled in two directions. When I confronted her, her excuse was that he needed her help and there was nothing physical between them. She thought if there was nothing physical they could just be friends and I should't have an issue with it. Fact is, you can't be just friends when he wants a relationship, not a friendship. This put an immense amount of pressure on our relationship and delayed our progress, which was his goal. It was only recently I was able to get her to see he was manipulating her and get her to see how good it felt during our vacation not to have the pressure and guilt of meeting or communicating with him. It lifted a weight off both of our shoulders. Its been three weeks....so far so good. Bottom line, continued contact with the AP is counter productive to a full reconcilation and prevents both parties from moving forward. I don't need weekly reminders of what happened and feel like she is keeping Plan B on the back burner. Her continued contact with him did more damage to our relationship than the original affair.

[@mandyg5106]

Thank you for this.... I’m just so overwhelmed and overcome with emotion... I was the one in the wrong and hearing this really kills me knowing what I’ve put him thru

[@phabeondominguez5971]

It's been almost a year now. How are y'all doing?

[@mindmagicstudio7000]

This was so spot on. Thank you.

[@kjhomestead8375]

My husband is in recovery and says he doesn’t have contact with his AP but he works with her in the same building. I wouldn’t even know if they were talking or seeing each other. The anxiety I have every day he leaves for work is overwhelming. I don’t know how to get over this.

[@cindycourson6136]

K&J Homestead i am so sorry. I know how you feel. I am in the same boat as you. Its emotionally and mentally exhausting.

[@sharathnb]

So many of us in the same boat. This happened to us when we were in love, she had an affair. We moved past that after so many years and happily married, now again it has happened in her work place. I hate it everyday just the thought that she's going to the same place where the affair partner is. I know I can't controlnor know anything. She says there's no contact whatsoever, but it's so hard to believe. Only we betrayed know this apprehension, the fear, the pain in the gut, the restlessness, the void, the insecurity of what they'll be doing. Woaah, pls no one ever shud feel this pain

[@jasonhamlett9568]

I so truly get that level of anxiety, my situation is with my son's teacher. So everyday when she is taking the kids to school, I have to wonder, simply because she still wants to be friends with our special needs child teacher. What to do.

[@royalvictory88]

Yes my wife works side by side with the other person. Did anyone get advice on this

[@ceciliaagrinya-owan8303]

I'm in the same boat as you. I also experience anxiety when he leaves for work or comes back late from work. I'm really finding it difficult to trust him again.

[@roylenekornovich3267]

Thank you Samuel! Pretty much hit the facts on every point! .....And Yes, I immediately forwarded this to my husband! 👍🏻

[@jeannie25203]

How did your husband respond? Was he angry?

[@zacharkaniko]

Thank you so much, Samuel, for this video!

[@mikeyswatergirl6695]

It’s so good to be on the other side of that season. Finally. I think even the most committed and considerate Unfaithful can go through this season of trying to maintain some contact with the AP. As a Betrayed it’s so painful and confusing why your spouse would keep hurting you over and over. It’s so hard to go through. But looking back, what kind of person could just cold turkey cut off someone they had an intimate relationship with? A cold hearted one. So there is a painful season where the Unfaithful tries to mitigate the pain they’ve caused all around. They try to let the AP down easy, try to minimize their own loss too. The end result is more pain for all involved. But that’s not the Unfaithful’s intent. For all of you stuck in that season, I pray for you. Once it’s over, then the real healing can begin and it is so worth the hard work. Thank you so much for these videos! I hope Unfaithfuls will listen and don’t string your Spouse and AP both along. In this case, what seems like kindness is actually cruelty and vice versa.

[@aprilmurray1080]

Mikey’s Water Girl Sorry but I wouldn’t call what AP & UP have an intimate relationship. We must call it what it is: a sickness. An intimate relationship is solely reserved for the man & woman within the confines of holy matrimony.

[@bw1501]

Gives me hope

[@mr.fettesq.7705]

@@aprilmurray1080 nah...its not a "sickness" the world isn't black and white. I see what's she is saying. Things can be complicated. Sometimes the AP can be a long time or even life long friend. Who knows... eitherway it can easily be intimate. However at the end of the day sometimes you need to choose one or the other and follow your heart. Make that decision and stand by that decision.

[@wilmalister8916]

As a Counsellor I must say I agree with you…. People who have not been on the other side wont understand it as they were wronged, which is fair enough. Perhaps in many cases its a long life friend, and to disconnect yourself immediately is almost impossible. So they are trying to fix the problem from both sides. As hard as it is for the betrayed spouse it is hard for the one who betrayed as well, not to justify it…. But it is true. It can be a slow progress as the pain in so real letting go of the other person, and work on his/her marriage and the guilt that goes with it. It is important to build on your own marriage and normally when there is something missing in your marriage and you find it in someone else, that’s when there’s red flags…. Count the cost! See ahead what damage it can cause…. We need to build Godly marriages that pleases the Lord and so that we can get full fulfilment out of it the way God intended it. Before we enter into the red flags, we need to ask ourselves, will it be beneficial for my marriage and will it bring glory to God or can it cause any harm? Build hedges around your marriage and work on your marriage, and let your spouse be the person you have “fallen in love” with from day one. God is in the business to restore if you allow Him to do so. I have seen many marriages being built up and they are stronger than ever. Its no walk in the park, but hard work and dedication and with God’s strength and guidance and help from the correct sources it is for sure possible, as with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. God bless 💓🙏🏻

[@Renea559]

If they can cold turkey their spouse they can do it to the affair partners.

[@JasonTrihey-jg3cz]

Truth! Some how this isn't always immediately evident to them. Great video

[@gatchcat1297]

Absolutely not! It's like allowing the lion into a field of sheep! My husband broke off the relationship with his affair partner. I refuse to play second and have our family be involved with her.

[@victorkadzatsa174]

Thank you for such a lovely video

[@juanmaldonado3288]

Cheaters should never be trusted because they have proved to the limit they just can't be trusted. The perpetrators are not worhty of being trusted. And should not expect any sympathy nor forgiveness because they are not entitled to anything.

[@tabemiriam9800]

Thanks so much for this video

[@voulapetrakos7508]

He shattered my heart and my soul!I agree with uu!!!

[@Alex-pn8om]

Thank you!!! Great Video!

[@ofs3216]

Maybe your bday video. Truly wish all unfaithful spouses see this and TRULY see how the AFFAIR PARTNER IS THE BIG PROBLEM ... not that the unfaithful’s part was not significant of should be minimized but how much the AF had in causing the pain though they would pled they were innocent. GREAT GREAT video!!! 🙌

[@dtuitt79]

I totally agree. The one question I have is does no contact apply to the friends that aided and abetted the adultery? I have a hard time coping with the fact that my wife still maintains a relationship with her best friend (who I introduced her to, and was once one of my closest friends). She encouraged my wife to step outside of the marriage to the point that she convinced my wife to sleep with a man that she wouldn't of under any "normal" circumstances. My wife says that she(my wife) did the dirt, and her friend was just being a good friend. However I feel good friends talk you off of ledges, not on to them and tell you to jump off. It is clear that this friend has influence over my wife. As long as my wife remains friends with her, how do I know she won't influence her again?

[@samshealingpodcast]

david, excellent points/questions. in some cases it's having a heart to heart with your spouse and helping them see how that person/friend makes you feel unsafe. often times it takes a third party to be involved like therapist etc to help the unf spouse see through the fog of it all. it's a struggle, but it's possible to get them to see and understand your pain.

[@charlesdwilson2112]

This is my problem for me also. I get hit with it weekly. Best wishes to all who have to deal with this.

[@TRDBRGLER]

Great video Samuel! I have found so much healing and inspiration from these vlogs. My situation is a litte complex. I have an addiction to pornography that I have been fighting a couple years now. I was awful to my wife exactly as an unfaithful and I identify as unfaithful. When I finally woke up to reality and started getting help I was horrified at all that I had destroyed... About a year ago she had an emotional affair with a coworker that was well on its way to becoming physical. The situation was complicated exponentially... I wonder if you would consider doing a vlog addressing a situation like this?

[@samshealingpodcast]

this one will help. she was unfaithful after her husband was unfaithful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jXnVnpqooZdnms0 it may not be exactly like what you're facing, but it will have some insight for you my friend.

[@TRDBRGLER]

Thank you, yes I have seen this series and it is helpful.

[@kmilli0313]

my exact same story. how are things now?

[@melvinobioha]

Thank you for this video

[@somethingdifferent4u247]

Excellent video.

[@tabemiriam9800]

He has made 2 children with the affair partner in two years....he claims he has to continue having contact with her ''because of the children '' and the church goes..... madame how can you be so heartless as to expect him to stop communication with the mother of his children???!! My heart bled! Please I need help in this case...I've become the heartless one!!!

[@meaghanmacaulay8687]

My partner says he ended the affair. However says he hasn’t cut off contact with her because he says he’s worried about her ‘well being’ as she’s not mentally well.... I wish he would understand that for me that means the affair isn’t over.

[@jerryhiler3853]

No, Don’t believe him. No contact

[@CrazyJoe]

That was my girls poor excuse. I refuse to go on like that.

[@ShellyRuss]

Exactly, thank you.

[@kerrymillar1267]

Someone you have sex with is not a friend. All this has changed my mind completely on opposite sex friendships. I now don’t believe they are ever a good idea unless they’re also close friends with your spouse/ partner. You shouldn’t be spending time with them alone. It’s a recipe for disaster.

[@sju0016]

Of course can but get a divorce 1st thing in the morning.

[@jetsjetsjets1044]

Freaking logic ❗❗❗ THANK YOU ❗❗❗

[@odubya16]

I have a very complicated situation. My partner had a one-time affair that was somewhere between a revenge affair (over various tensions between us) and a real emotional affair. We tried to make it work, and eventually decided to break up. We want to make it work and even if it doesn't, we want to repair things and recover from the affair at least. Maybe leave the door open for the future. The problem is that she sees her affair partner regularly in social circles and it is very hard to avoid him. In addition, she still somewhat values him as a friend. And since we aren't together, it is technically her right to do that. How do I cope with that? I have told her everything you said in the video before. I don't know what to do. She wants to allow time to heal, but I can't heal unless this happens...it's a catch-22. Thank you for your videos.

[@phabeondominguez5971]

It's been 2yrs, any updates?

[@angus10538]

So important, and this has been my life for 2 years, with a lot of other stuff. I've done my work, she never did. I have decided to move on 2 years after D-day.

[@fishstickbio594]

Yes ... I agree with you totally .....this is happening here with me .... I am not buying into the idea to have the cake and eat it too.

[@eachoneteachone9975]

My husband and I agreed in therapy that he would let me know if she contacts him. I even made a fake page and he didn’t tell me. Then I found out they were in contact on WhatsApp. Now I feel like I’m back to square 1. He said he didn’t tell me bc I would over react. He then send a message saying he chooses me and the kids and he made a selfish choice.

[@BlackAmethyst1616]

Samuel, in your videos, you have talked about the hardest scenarios. One being when the betrayed wants to make the marriage work more than the unfaithful. Two being the unfaithful going back and forth, back and forth etc. And three being when there is a pregnancy involved. Is there any way you could please please please make a video about someone who is dealing with all 3? Have you personally worked with a couple that found a way to overcome all of these obstacles? A pregnancy means the unfaithful will forever have contact with their AP. Can the betrayed even survive something like this? Thank you for all of the time and effort you dedicate to these videos. ♡

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's possible to survive it and get through it and to the other side. but it will require expert help. the ems weekend would be my suggestion so you can meet and be face to face with expert therapists who have helped people walk through this before. they are experts and can guide you both through the process. it requires an expert's help my friend.

[@holliebhang258]

I appreciate for you explained how the affair partner diabolically and purposely destroyed your spouse or partner. So true. This is what made things personal for me. I knew NOTHING about his cheating or his affair partner. She knew me and didn’t care. As time went on she took to social media and also, threatened me along with her fiends and family. It was a mess! And HE NEVER DEFENDED ME!!!! Yet, he talked badly about me- per the words of his affair partner. She used everything bad he said about me against him and me. Instead he kept lying and denying things whenever I asked. He was a different person for a female that slept with 5 guys from the very same block. 1 being the cheater and two being blood brothers… and 3 being close enough friends. And 1 growing up in the same block.

[@heavenstacy9693]

He said he would cut her off but that cutting her off would be the hardest part of moving forward in OUR relationship and that regardless of how long they go without contact, she will always be his best friend...what do I do with that??? Please help.

[@brightpage1020]

Can you still have contact with the affair partner? Sure! If you want to be single and only see your kids on weekends or summer vacations, go right ahead. You choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. Your spouse will respect your choice to leave the marriage and help you end this run of that institution, as they should, so you can continue to prioritize your commitment to contact with the affair partner over your relationship with the spouse. Out of respect for your choice. As long as you illustrate that the AP is more important to you than spouse is, why shouldn’t they believe your actions over your words?

[@79Menio]

What about keeping contact with people who work with the AP. I have issues with triggered when she brings up stories about when she worked there “ which is where it happened” I get triggered even with pictures of that time frame when the affair happened.

[@honey-feeney9800]

Most affairs are between co-workers . So, AP that work together have a huge challenge .

[@chelseab3448]

My situation is so complex that the word 'complex' is not a good enough description. I feel it's a miracle I'm not dead or haven't gone insane but I know it has definitely affected my health. My whole relationship has been a lie, I was fed lies and deceit for years. In my case there had been multiple affairs before & after marriage & a child which I found out about in my first pregnancy (8 yrs ago). I have been neglected, disrespected, abused... Husband decided on his own to move the child from the affair into our home, I am not able to interact with the child who is a constant reminder of so much pain that was never truly resolved... many would ask 'why not just leave?' I want to for my sanity, my happiness and also my boys, I'm no longer in love, in fact sometimes I really hate my husband (immense anger). Here's the thing, I'm an immigrant in my husband's country with young children, I would return to my home country tomorrow if I could but children complicate the situation. I beat up on myself often, why didn't I pay attention to all the red flags before tying myself to this man. My husband is the type of man who believes 'a counsellor needs more help than he does'. What could a therapist possibly recover from all this brokenness. I feel so fearful for the future & guilty that I'd be robbing my kids, they don't understand... this is just the tip of the iceberg of my life. May God help us all who are suffering 🙏🙏🙏

[@littleashley4025]

Chelsea B OMG 😮 I’m really sorry about your pain Chelsea.its not easy being in this situation trust me.i have been in it too for years.he cheated on me continuously and hurt me so bad.i cannot recover I’m emotionally scarred.its a lot of anger and resentment towards him...😢😢I’m still with him because of life complications and children.its difficult.

[@cindycourson6136]

What do you do when the two of them still work together? I just cant take it anymore.....

[@ShalisasJournal]

My husband changed jobs because it made me uncomfortable..

[@kourtneydouthard-becker1501]

He needs to be looking for another job. Period. That’s so risky and tempting.

[@rica2284]

I wish there were videos on how to get through this mess when you have to deal with the fact that the AP got pregnant and was pregnant while you are pregnant.

[@monykah08]

I am right in the same boat my husband's AP is currently pregnant & I am so lost & confused we have 3 kids 2 together & 1 from a previous relationship I never wanted to break up my family but I'm so confused & angry & hurt!

[@sisterstaketoo1981]

My husband’s AP had a baby 30days after our marriage ceremony. I found out because child support paperwork came through the mail. He tells me that he wants us to make this work by any means necessary. My heart is pulverized. We don’t have any children together I have never wanted children and he said the same.

[@jonathanoakey4745]

I'd like to add another factor from my current experience, as a betrayed 1 month after D-Day. My partner is still in daily contact via social media with her AP, and it's turned into a battle of them versus me - I'm the bad guy because I've been upset and emotional, and I'm asking her to do things that she doesn't want to do. She still has no compunction about lying to me, despite her protestations of honesty, and doesn't (yet) see the need to rebuild trust. Of course, the AP is an angel who has done nothing wrong (the fact that he's married is not a concern). What she is largely failing to see is that I've always been on her side, and continue to be, but she can't see the need to go through the pain to achieve a better outcome in the future.

[@prizescu]

Hi, Jonathan! Did your issue resolved? Wish you the best!

[@johenesmith8405]

More often than not most comments don’t match what you’re going through at all. BUT THIS ONE matches my situation. She still has contact with “him”(I’ve never been able to get a name) and says that it’s because he wants to know that “she’s okay” given the fact that I showed a side of me that she’s never seen when I pretty much caught her red handed! “I don’t want to involve him in our… because he’s married and had a family ect ect.” I say you’ve already involved him. Does he deserve to endure as much as we have, I don’t know. My anger side says yes! My rational side says, he won’t get away scott free.

[@michelleartscrafts4761]

my husband had a live in partner for 3 years in other country where he is working, they are co workers, he went here with our family and spent 1 month vacation, he said that they are over. Now he went back there and I forgave him for what he did but now that he's there and the other woman is working in the same place I cannot trust anymore that the relationship is over. I still love him but I don't think I deserve to be betrayed again. Will I still believe him and trust him that he will be faithful for 2 years while working there?

[@trevorscholl8520]

Great topic, this is an area where I can feel stuck in, not because I think she is, but have no way of knowing for sure, due to access to work email they have. A means they used for years. So what are the signals, and how does the betrayed trust any intuition in regards to the truth when there were lies historicly?

[@samshealingpodcast]

this article may help: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust

[@georgehenry8152]

How did their Affair become public, Trevor? Did she confess to you?

[@shakeanbake1985]

No trust and rightfully so. In same spot

[@trevorscholl8520]

George Henry Yes she confessed but with a lot of ambivalences.

[@shirleybrown2585]

This is dead on for me. My husband and the AF and I were all part of the same circle. The level of disrespect because during the affair he allowed her to come in my home as if nothing was happening. 30 plus years of being together and 28 years of marriage. I still don't know what to do.

[@tabemiriam9800]

Painful

[@bwin783]

Pray!! Allow God to minister to your broken heart, he will let you know what to do. It is tough, been with mine 42 years and They seem to get more selfish and immature instead of mature! Prayers for your peace 🙏🏽

[@marcellesmall6873]

I send Strength and Blessings to you

[@jamieyoussef]

OMG, the same for me. She even painted inside my house, was my FB friend commenting on every post I made. She worked with him and was part of our circle. She secretly stalked me while sleeping with my husband. He even took her on a trip hiking together and that is OUR special thing. He is so sorry and doing everything but I believe only because she told me about it when he broke it off. Ya, called me on 4th of July while I was entertaining family. My house and my husband are triggers along with all kinds of other stuff.

[@ednisep6554]

Yeah same here for me, the AP is overseas he presented her to me as his cousin and went to visit his family and slept with her. They been having an emotional and sexual affair for a year I found all the text messages and the pictures and he's still in contact with her

[@marianaoctubre]

Amen to this.

[@dabadboyuzi]

Love this Samuel. I'm the betrayed and my partner has significantly changed for the better, in fact they've become everything i've ever wanted. Although I believe she is truly changing for herself, i'm trouble 'accepting' her efforts and allowing myself to enjoy her efforts, in terms of her own recovery, and making me feel good. She's doing absolutely everything right but I can't convince myself that I should allow myself to enjoy it or fully believe it. Any advice for this?

[@Webbgurl2000]

Usman Ahmed trust takes longer to rebuild. You can not make yourself trust her. She’s got to work hard 😓 at making a new path in your mind. It’s neurological.

[@jamieyoussef]

same

[@jak9934]

Usman Achmed From my experience as the betrayed partner, once trust is broken it is very very hard to rebuild. .I read something which said “forgiveness is unconditional but reconciliation is conditional because there has to be a changed behaviour.” I regard repairing trust in the same way- there has to be changed behaviour. On the plus side it sounds like your partner is attempting to do this.

[@agoodgurl2k]

I think this here is my final straw. Claims he has made so many changes "for us"...as if he's supposed to be rewarded, and since I'm not having sex "it's just a text"..."what's your problem"..."you have a problem with all my FRIENDS". Mind games.

[@Angelwing1705]

My husband had to work with AP for almost 19 years. He lied when he had to see and work with her. Every time it happened it was like this nightmare will never end. After all these years, he has always swept it under the rug. If we don’t talk about it , it is like it never happened. It’s as fresh today as it was 19 years ago to me. He has compartmentalized in his mind that it is over and we should all be fine now. I am not fine. What can I do to make this nightmare go away?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would find a trauma therapist asap. i would also ask, request and if necessary demand he attend something that is an intensive like approach to help you both. this type of hurt cannot be swept under the rug. it requires expert care and help. i would also give some thought to our harboring hope course for you to help you heal from what you've been subjected to: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope

[@scottlaughery647]

My partner claims that sexting isn't cheating even after lying about it when confronted. Now she won't disassociate with sexting affair partners and expects me to trust and have understanding that nothing happened. My response has always been LYING HAPPENED and a breakdown of trust. Not to mention the 7 guys she had actual some version of a physical affair sexually. All is LOST!!!!

[@samshealingpodcast]

i'm terribly sorry Scott.

[@ambervanorder4931]

How do you handle it if its family?

[@normaearnisse3106]

Totally agree!!!!!

[@cindycheung9055]

This is so hard for me to listen to. My husband claims he’s ending his relationship with another woman and for me to give him time so to minimise damage, (she has two children from her current marriage. Yes, she’s a married woman! Slut!) We are still at the giving him time stage. Recently, I caught him going to see her behind my back in addition to the times I know about. When confronted, he said he didn’t understand why I had a problem if they stayed as friends. He gaslights me whenever we talk about it and threatens to split from me so he doesn’t have you deal with both of us for his own sanity. I felt so hurt and angry. I just listened to Mel Robbins Let Go Theory which made me realise that letting him do what he wants reveals the real him. It was a Godsend and now this. I am not the unreasonable one! He’s made his decision by continue to see her. I will make mine. I just need time and strength. I can do this. 💪😢

[@jeanlilianlee8919]

I was the AP. He wants to remain friends and I am able to do that because I have moved on. But each time we meet for coffee he tears up and texts me afterwards that he still loves me and wishes to be with me. I think it is only fair for me to break contact so his marriage can have a better chance of surviving.

[@raia9]

Big of you

[@Devyn_LV]

That is the best way to go. The fact you are here, watching this video and choosing to be the grown up in the situation, I commend you for that. I don't know your circumstances, but it seems to me that now, moving forward, you have made the best decision for him and his marriage.

[@jenniferwhite2402]

For my husband is was a female friend he got way too close to. They he knew for for 2 years before he told me about her. They had a emotional affair. The final straw was when I finally said me or her. It took him three days to pick me. When he did he he cried saying he was going to have to morn her. That was a 8 months ago. She sent me this message telling me she was sorry and that she would walk away but he was getting her through grief and loss of a loved one . I could not in good faith take him away no matter how bad I wanted to. Me saying I know you are in pain but I am taking away the person who she has come to depend on. Know our marriage is different and I don’t know how to deal with this. I showed him this video to and he got mad but it said what I could not say. I want to forgive him but ever time he talks about her I just want to scream and shut down. I asked him if the roles were reversed how would he feel and he just get defensive.

[@kimi7733]

What if they work together and your spouse says they broke it off and they will look for another job but they dont appear to be really working hard at finding another job like they say they would.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i think it's wise to have a sit down conversation with them and share with them your needs and wants and expectations. it's about boundaries. i would do that first, then if they will still not take action, it may be time for an ultimatum or for professional support and input.

[@craiglynch9169]

I feel so bad I try so hard to work things out for me to forgive my cheating wife. Then she contacts him. But I’m being blame for invading her privacy. Now she wants a divorce. Her family of course has her side pumping her up. Making her feel strong again. I ask how many times have you contact him. She texted him twice. Once after d-day about no contact which she never told me. And then again saying, maybe I will see you driving while I’m heading to work. Because two weeks ago she saw him driving and both smile at each other. She never block his number but I did and I set text forwarding. I said why would you smile at him, because I work with him for 5 years. That’s why I keep spying and not trusting her at all. But she seems to want to divorce because I’m so controlling. 14 years and three kids and i still at believe she risk everything because she wasn’t being heard.

[@paigeking2605]

What if it was their baby mama and we HAVE to communicate with her weekly??? I'm struggling with having to see her and him talking to her regardless if its about the kids or not...

[@marycooler3527]

How do you know that communication with affair partner stops?

[@samshealingpodcast]

sometimes it's accountability, sometimes it's monitoring the unfaithful spouses communication channels. sometimes it's taking their word for it. the repair process has to be built on some sort of honest, transparency and openness

[@Lsantiago21]

How would you handle if the affair partner is a person within the family? This person will be at family functions. No way to avoid them .... We need to attend and so will them. I'm not saying be friends or keep contact, but how to handle being put in the position?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would create as much distance as possible and I would be very strategic about what functions you go to and how you both interact with the affair partner.

[@Lsantiago21]

@@samshealingpodcast Thank you!

[@rteamster]

I'm dealing with this an my partner believes that the can maintain friends and keeps contact with this person

[@julietauber6330]

Can you please answer the question as to what do the unfaithful do if they work with their AP?! Every single morning my husband leaves for work, I am forced to deal with the fact that his AP will be within walking distance of him or a quick stop after work while she is working from home during the Covid-19 pandemic. I have prior anxiety issues and having to deal with this M-F is beyond draining. I'm on constant alert and it is beginning to impact my parenting ability.. Please help!

[@samshealingpodcast]

extreme accountability measures is vital. check ins, him letting you know what he's doing and how things are going. checking in if he ever is close to her. being able to stay close to you throughout the day. i would also consider emdr or ett as forms of treatment to help you cope and heal from the trauma of it all. when the economy comes back and we get back to normal, it would be wise to consider a new job or location as well.

[@julietauber6330]

I caught him at her house last Friday morning. This has been going on since at least December to my knowledge (he says it started in December and then sometimes it was before then? I haven't a clue), but I found out in January. Here it is June and things are still apparently going on behind my back. We are in the midst of building a house together and we have two children together, one is 4 and the other is 6. He has finally agreed to go to therapy with me in hopes of restoring our marriage, but somehow continues to have contact with her. I don't really have a support system and he doesn't want me to talk to anyone else about this but he also refuses to talk about anything regarding this with me. I only have therapy once biweekly and am forced to talk in code because of a lack of childcare..

[@michaelwilliamson7590]

How can I contact you sir? I need help. I am spiritual. Non denominational Christian. Thank you. GOD bless.

[@samshealingpodcast]

go ahead and email [e-mail] and ask them to send to me

[@snowqtee]

Is it wrong for me to want my husband to block the girl he cheated on phone number on his phone?He said he didn’t want to block her,because she every once in awhile tries to contact him to ask him random questions and he never response to her and if he blocks her he won’t know it’s her and respond without knowing who it is..

[@samshealingpodcast]

there may be some validity in that comment from him....but, do you have access to the phone records? if you do and can verify he is not reaching out to her maybe there is some truth in that. however, if not, then perhaps it's not the total truth and maybe it's time for him to be block her entirely. fact is, to keep her number is a bit of a red flag to be honest.

[@mekhribanmamedova1757]

Well, listen. How about the person who put you as your non-priority wants you to put them first? But why?

[@denisew5147]

What if the spouse work with the affair partner?

[@TheKaribianQueen]

Sam, would you please share your thoughts or do a video on whether or not the unfaithful spouse should issue an apology to his unsuspecting affair partner, who did not know that the unfaithful spouse was married during the affair.

[@sharonmiller81]

Amen!

[@lindamac45]

being in a marriage is a role in which none of us were given a script to follow. for me, intimacy is not the act of sex that's fleeting at best. intimacy is complete, trust loyalty and being there for each other in good times and bad. the problem is society equates the stimulation of genitalia with love when in fact it's just a temporary physical sensation. My ex-husband and I have very different perspectives on love and as he is now learning sex does not equate to love. so many affairs are based on the physical and that has caused the destruction of many, many relationships. from my many years as a counselor, there is absolutely no way that one can remain friends with an affair partner. they're just living in a fantasy world if they think they can. it's a selfish act.

[@PRadzzzGY]

What if the unfaithful spouse works with the affair partner and is in a position where they have to work together on a daily basis?

[@kctentertainment6373]

What happens if the hurt spouse makes up things in a mind and believe it

[@samshealingpodcast]

it would be wise to get expert third party help asap.

[@diamondc735]

Hi Samuel. Its been less than a month since I found out about my husband's infedilty. There were mulitple APs. When I found out about it based on his behaviour with his phone (email and texts) and confronted him he accepted it after much denial. He deleted all accounts after saying he didn't want to revisit it and he didn't want me to see what levels of infidelity. I got to know just yesterday that he has informed the AP or APs that he was under investigation...which told me that he still kept in contact with them after the initial disclosure. I feel that he has double betrayed me .. one by already having multiple APs and two informing the APs about him (his phone) being under investigation after disclosing. I initially thought that asking me to acccess his deleted accounts and showing me would help my suspicions come true. But at the same time I don't know if confronting him again is going to me give me the truth anymore ? I don't know if we are ever going to move on after this...

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would consider a lie detector, and maybe even a private detective in the future. i would also get expert help to see if it's genuine and he wants to heal over time and through process.

[@donnawoodford6641]

My betrayer spouse wanted his cake and the toppings, and desired everyone to move and dance around him. He took no responsibility, and didn't get the fact that he did anything wrong by his unfaithful behaviors. He saw my pain, but thought I needed to change. Finally, I said, "Enough" and filed for divorce bc I knew he was not going to discontinue seeing his concubine nor stop going to clubs. He intended to do whatever he wanted and I couldn't control his behaviors. He thought he was a good husband. How does a former spouse fully heal? Is healing even possible when the "beast" is causing worse anguish during and after the divorce?

[@samshealingpodcast]

harboring hope on our site would be a great place to heal from what you've been subjected to: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope also, you may consider trauma care specialization like emdr, or ett.

[@franciscoquintana1170]

This hurts so much to listen to, I have along her to continue to talk to him because I don’t want to her to be mad and leave me.

[@maidenmakesreviews]

What if they work together and can't not see each other? What then

[@samshealingpodcast]

rigorous boundaries and accountability. daily check ins, and frequent communication between you to. safety measures between you two when they do see each other. personally, i'd recommend looking for a new job soon or new location, transfer. it's just too hard to work with the affair partner my friend. that's the long term goal i believe.

[@royalvictory88]

My wife works with the other guy... what do I do please help

[@samshealingpodcast]

i would get expert help my friend. you'll need boundaries and accountability in place to help her steward the situation. one of our programs called the ems weekend can help which you'll find here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or an expert therapist can help as well

[@MrPoorman002]

What if she works with with him & he is a team lead? They must stay in contact at work & see each other.

[@samshealingpodcast]

it would require extreme boundaries and accountability between you two to make you feel safe. eventually though, i think he would need to consider finding a new dept or new job or something along those lines. we have to decide what's most important, the career or the marriage/relationship.

[@MrPoorman002]

Overcoming Infidelity I have been told that he is looking for new employment. What type of extreme boundaries and accountability are you speaking of? She is very stubborn but said she wants to work on this marriage

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@MrPoorman002 i think steps like checking in a couple times a day, sending pictures when he is at lunch and alone, staying close to you when he's at work....when you call, he answers or sends a text immediately and when you call back in 15 or 20 minutes it's expected he will answer regardless of what he's doing (with respect to whatever career he is in as of course, surgeons etc can't do that). things along those lines.

[@ShalisasJournal]

My husband changed jobs

[@jessicarussell6000]

What if the affair partner is a family member, and still in your life?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it makes it very challenging indeed. not impossible, but challenging. it requires space for a while probably to heal....and boundaries as well...then perhaps, there can be time with that person later. but for now, it probably requires extensive boundaries, commitment from your spouse and time.

[@bobgilnh2o807]

What if they work in the same office?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's vital there are rigorous boundaries and heavy accountability procedures. it's tough...but it's possible. long term may not work, but in the interim it is possible.

[@allisonsamuels4896]

Hi But in my case my spouse has two children with his affair partner!! How will that work?

[@kassiawarsawski1033]

Wow. I’m so sorry to hear this. First establish schedule in public area for switching of kids, or have yourself or another person help exchange kids to avoid contact. In addition you can communicate clear with what your expectations are to make this most comfortable and be raw honest open

[@deanarjones9114]

How is this even a question or issue?? It’s absolutely no, not ever, no matter what.

[@shoopdj]

Short answer: Heck no!

[@onnasilvas4664]

Question. My husband cheated on me with someone he knew and slept around with on and off for the 12 years they knew each other. As far as i know he has stopped talking to her and seeing her but i keep seeing that he looks her up on Facebook. He doesn't message her but he keeps searching her on social media. Every time I see thar he has checked her social media accounts all of the emotions of betrayal and not being good enough and wanted comes crashing back like a tidal wave and it's preventing me from fully recovering. How can i bring this up to him without him feeling attacked or like im backing him into a corner?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's a normal part of him moving on. i'm not justifying it, but it does happen regularly and while i know it can be upsetting, it's somewhat normal. hopefully he's not doing anything more than that. i would ask him to take a course and get help from a third party. would he do something like that? typically, they respond better when it's an expert third party than when it comes from their spouse/partner. not forever, but early on it's that way.

[@onnasilvas4664]

He ended the affair a bit over a year ago and he still checks her social media accounts though. How long am i going to have to deal with this? It's exhausting feeling this way. Feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not enough. I don't know how to move past it.

[@richardunis9204]

Absolutely not

[@avrilortiz3502]

I don’t think my husband would want to go back with his AP. ... but her presence lingers because she is his sister in law.

[@kitties6549]

Wow, that must be so weird.